#when hunter calls willow captain its because he respects her

[weirdly-enough]

anyway I think willow used to call hunter caleb sometimes the same way he calls her captain. she stops after halloween.

[lollytea]

I wonder who anyone else would be in addendum to Hunter & Willow. Luz & Amity line up pretty well with Jesper & Wylan, and a younger Eda & Raine could work as Kaz & Nina. Odalia would obviously be Van Eck and Brum would be Belos. I just wonder about characters such as Nikolai and Haskall.

I feel like the subject matters in Six of Crows are overall a little too heavy for the toh characters so I wouldn't do like. An outright copy-and-paste AU where the story and the universe and background are all exactly the same. If I were to do anything it'd be an AU inspired by Six of Crows, with the characters having similar arcs to their counterparts. So we just cherry pick what aspects of the book we want to keep.

It wouldn't exist in the Grishaverse. It's still the Demon Realm. They are still witches.

I could absolutely see Eda fulfilling the role of Haskall in this case but also she has entirely different reasons for doing the things she does. Haskall had different motivations for running the dregs, most of which being business motivated. Eda is simply chaotic and would absolutely just adopt a whole bunch of fucked up kids and form a criminal gang found family.

I feel like Eda and Raine absolutely could have had a story that resembled Kaz and Inej when they were younger. The tension between them being Eda's Owl Beast form rather than Kaz's trauma induced emotional barriers. It was just as passionate, just as full of longing, but it still ended tragically. Like Kaz staying in the Barrell and Inej becoming a captain of her own ship, Raine also left Bonesborough to work towards the rebellion. Now its just a matter of the two meeting again 👀

Luz and Amity as Jesper and Wylan??? Hello???? HELLO?????? These respective stories and characters align so perfectly I am literally about to combust. Amity being a rich girl who's just never been good enough and Odalia's solution to that is to fucking KILL HER?? Her becoming a run away and eventually being a key role to tearing her Mom's whole fucking world apart. Brainy and blushy and feral. Yes fantastic.

It's actually one parallel between Luz and Jesper that's killing me. The generational trauma mostly. Also both kids leaving home with the promise to "improve" themselves, only to end up in an entirely different "world" and lying to their parent about it. The parent loving their kid so much but also being so flawed, very much effected by the death of their spouse. Oh I'm gonna lose it.

And yeah okay Hunlow as Nina and Matthias obviously.

Okay okay okay okay so stay with me here. I miss Gus...where is Gus....I would like Gus. So here me out.

While Eda and Raine probably had the spirit of Kaz and Inej's story, once Eda grows older and becomes the Haskall, Matt and Gus become the placeholders for the roles in this new generation of delinquents.

Because like....Mattholomule Lastnameomule: The Bastard of Bonesborough. Tell me that's not the funniest shit ever? Tell me you don't want to see this tiny ugly little man literally terrorizing the whole fucking town. He is 3ft tall and he killed a man this morning. That's hilarious.

Meanwhile Gus is the Inej in the sense that he's tiny, speedy and slippery. While Inej was considered lethal with her knives, you don't want to fuck around with Gus, the kid who summons images so horrific he melts your brain. Inej was called the Wraith and Gus is called the Phantom.

Matty is the one "in charge" of the six of them (somehow?? Idk who voted for him?? Maybe Eda just picked up cuz he bites the hardest.) and Gus is definitely the one he's closest to. He and Gus be having all that marriage squabbling and mutual understanding that Kaz and Inej had.

The whole gang calls themselves the Owls <3

[avatarmerida]

The Promotion

An Owl House AU where everything is the same except Hunter and Willow are secretly dating. This gonna be a two shot because I’m impatient and don’t wanna start a new multi chapter fic but also I didn’t want it to be too long ALSO ITS VERY CHEESY 

                                                       ***

“Tired, little prince?” Darius noted with a smirk as he walked up beside Hunter who could not seem to stop yawning.

“No, no not at all,” Hunter lied, attempting to stifle another yawn before it could make its way out. Knowing he didn’t have to hide it from Darius, he pulled out his scroll and smiled at the most recent message. 

“Up late messaging your little girlfriend again I take it?” Continued Darius, peeking over Hunter’s shoulder to see a long string of messages with Willow, her photo smiling and bright. He took delight in the red tint Hunter’s face adopted as he tried to hide his scroll from sight. . 

“G-girlfriend?” Hunter repeated, the word echoing down the empty hallway. Luckily, they were the only two here. “I wasn’t, I mean she’s not… I mean we’re not…!”

As muddled as Hunter’s understanding of romance was, he knew it existed. He had no great examples in his life to look to, but when he would walk around the market he’d see couples holding hands, laughing, and kissing and he knew the nature of their relationship was something more. He knew that having a romantic relationship meant that the other person was important to you, that you kept them around because they brought forth a different feeling in you. 

He had thought once or twice that he felt this way about Willow, the way he’d get excited to see a message from her or the way the idea of her distracted him. How he wanted to be close to her but how being close to her made him nervous. Such contradictions could only exist in the frivolous mindset of a person in love. But he had nothing else to compare it to, so he had to assume it was because he wasn’t meant to have it. So he had to try and ignore it until it went away, but he couldn’t ignore Willow. 

“Call me old fashioned, but in my experience teenagers typically don’t  turn this shade of red when asked about someone who is ‘just a friend.’” said Darius, effortlessly casual. “Not that anyone would ever call me old.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about Darius!” Hunter lied, forcing a nervous chuckle. “The Captain is just good at her job! She checks in with all the team members!”

“Uh-Huh,” said Darius, stroking his goatee. “Well, given the fact that you aren’t technically a member of her team any longer, there must be another reason she is giving you such special attention, hmmm?”

“Pshh, yeah right,” scoffed Hunter. “As if she’d ever feel that way about me.”

“What? The Golden Guard isn’t good enough for her?”

“She doesn’t care about the Golden Guard stuff,” he said, pulling his scroll back out to look at her photo again. “She likes me, just regular me.”

“I can assure you that you are anything but regular, little prince,” said Darius, sipping his drink. “I can tell you regard her highly as well. What do you admire most about her?”

Oh, Titan, how was he supposed to pick just one thing? She was so determined and commanded respect, she inspired confidence. She was funny and Hunter didn’t usually like or understand humor but she had a wit that transcended that. She was smart and kind and beautiful and-.

“She’s… very capable,” said Hunter, not wanting to give Darius any ammunition. 

“Mhm hm, she does seem like the perfect candidate,”

“Oh, she made it very clear she doesn’t want to join the coven,” said Hunter.

“I didn’t mean for the coven,” said Darius with a wink. “Listen, it's clear that you feel things for this girl and as someone who has been the object of affection for many, I think it’s in your best interest to express that to her rather than stifle it. Unexpressed emotions have a tendency of slowing one down.”

“Tell her?!” Hunter exclaimed, his eyes darting between Darius and his scroll. “Tell her… my weird feelings?!”

“They’re not ‘weird,’ little prince they’re just… well they are weird but they’re supposed to be weird,” laughed Darius. “If you want her to be your girlfriend, you should just ask her. Sooner rather than later. Take off the afternoon if you’d like, I’m willing to cover for you so long as you actually go through with it.”

Hunter had to admit there was some logic to what Darius was suggesting. His mind had been foggy recently, distracted and maybe discussing these feelings with Willow would offer clarity. The wondering would be over and maybe he wouldn’t feel so distressed. 

“What do I even say? I hate typing on these things!”

“Oh Titan no!” Darius exclaimed. “This question needs to be asked in person! Face to face! You can’t simply send it so casually in a mere message like you were asking for her favorite color!”

 Emerald green.

“But what if… she says no,” Hunter asked, his ears sinking. “What if she laughs in my face? What if I make her uncomfortable? What if she hates me?”

Darius sighed and bent down to Hunter’s level to look him in the eye to answer his questions in order.

“If she doesn’t feel the same way then you can move on, she won’t laugh at your feelings, you’re both going to be uncomfortable; it's inevitable, and does this look like a girl who would hate you for telling her you think the world of her?”

Hunter looked down at the most recent photo Willow had sent him,  she was grinning ear to ear making a heart with her hands as Clover nuzzled the side of her face. The caption read ‘Have a great day today!’ It was simple, sweet, sincere; things he didn’t know he was missing until she came into his life. 

“Think of it as a promotion,” offered Darius, knowing this was more how his mind operated. “If she thinks she’s qualified, she’ll accept but if she’s happier where she is, well, there’s nothing wrong with where she is now, right?”

“Right,”

“Exactly,” said Darius, standing up. “Now, go ask the girl to get eye scream or whatever children do nowadays. I’ll let everyone know you’re on a special mission for me.”

“Thank you Darius,” whispered Hunter.

“Good luck little prince!” Darius called as Hunter ran from the hall to grab Flapjack. “Titan knows you’ll need it.”

———-

Hunter had rehearsed everything on the way there. He had the pros as well as the cons listed perfectly in his mind. He prepared himself for the worst case scenario though he didn’t dare venture to the best case, lest he once again lose focus. 

He watched from a distance as Willow finished leading practice, making the usual announcements and criticisms. Watching her effortlessly command authority made Hunter’s heart race and it made him somehow more determined and nervous simultaneously. 

He was so focused on watching Willow (totally not in a creepy way) as she continued talking with Skara about something that he didn’t notice Gus come up behind him. 

“Dude, are you spying on Willow?”

“Ahh!” Hunter exclaimed, looking back to make sure his outburst was not head. “What? No! No, of course not! I’m simply waiting for her current conversation to be over before I… go ask her… something. Or tell her something? I don’t know the order it’s supposed to be done in…”

“Ooooh are you gonna tell her you have a crush on her?” Gus teased with a laugh. When Hunter didn’t respond or laugh em with him, Gus saw the serious expression he wore and realized he might’ve guessed right. “Wait, seriously?”

“That… is part of what I came here to do, yes,” said Hunter trying to remain composed. “Is this a bad time? This is a bad time isn’t it? I should reschedule or ya know just forget it, right? I don’t even know if the Captain is accepting suitors or if she already has one-.” Hunter found himself paralyzed as he realized he had no clue whether or not Willow already had a boyfriend. He had never found the courage to bring it up and while she never said anything, it could be that it was so obvious that it didn’t need mentioning. How was he so certain she wasn’t already taken? “Oh Titan, she probably has at least a few, I can’t be the only one to-.”

“She doesn’t.” Gus said, snapping Hunter out of his spiral.

“What?”

“She doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend or anything like that,” said Gus. 

“Oh, well then,” said Hunter, surprised but thankful. “So hypothetically if I, or anyone really, were to hypothetically ask her to go out with me… or them, she would have no prior commitment preventing her from accepting?”

“Nope,” Gus replied simply. 

“So that wouldn’t be the reason she would reject me,” said Hunter thinking aloud, his tone becoming less confident as the realization hit him. “I-if she were to reject me, or anyone hypothetically. Which she could…”

“So are ya gonna hypothetically go over there or-?”

Hunter looked back where Willow stood as she was laughing at something with Skara, the gentle breeze blowing her hair back and suddenly he was jealous of the wind. 

“Can you ask her?” he asked in a small voice.

“You want me to ask Willow out for you?”

“No!” Hunter scoffed. “Ask her if she likes me and then I’ll know if I should ask her out or not.”

“I mean, she could like you and still say no,” pointed out Gus, taking delight in teasing Hunter. 

“Right, good point okay, then make it a two parter: ask her if she likes me and if she would say yes if I asked her out,” revised Hunter, ensuring all bases were covered. 

“Dude…”

“What?” Hunter exclaimed with a vibrant blush. “I just wanna make sure I don’t embarrass myself! Or her! Or say something wrong or stupid or-.”

“Dude,” said Gus again, placing his hand on the older boy’s shoulder. “Chill.”

“I wish I could but my face feels so hot I think I’m going to melt,” said Hunter. “Talking about this makes me sweaty and I don’t know why but I do know I don't want her to see me like this!”

“Hunter, I’ve known Willow for awhile and trust me when I say she’s never talked about anyone the way she talks about you.”

“That’s very… vague,” said Hunter. “Is that supposed to make me feel better because honestly it just makes me feel dizzy.”

“Ask her.” Gus said simply with a smile. 

“Do you really think she’ll say yes?” Hunter frantically wrung his hands. “I just… I’ve never felt or done anything like this… should I change? Is what I’m wearing okay? I don’t know the rules-.”

“Ask her,” repeated Gus. “Unless you’re… scared?”

He knew that would activate something within Hunter.

“Me? Scared? Of what? The Captain? Of course not!” That was only a little untrue. At first he thought the feelings he had for Willow were from fear until they became more complex than that. “I’m not scared of anything!”

“Prove it.”

“Fine! Watch me!”

                                                    ———

Hunter had caught Willow’s eye the moment he entered the vicinity of the field. He often came by during practice and didn’t attempt to draw attention to himself, but Willow always knew. She knew he was checking in on everyone and wasn’t there to see just her but she always found herself trying a little harder or moving a little faster when he was nearby. She wasn’t intentionally trying to impress him, but if she did then so be it. 

Sometimes he would stop by after practice and say hello or offer to walk her home, insisting it was part of his Golden Guard duties and when she brought up he coming by earlier he would act dumb. He would quickly turn to the topic to flyer derby or offer to carry her bags and Willow would drop the subject, just content  to spend the time with him. 

Usually he waited for everyone else to leave and she would approach him, but now he was running across the field trying to get her attention. She saw Gus behind him, wearing a mischievous smirk, and Willow  wondered what he had said to make Hunter move with such urgency. 

“Captain!” Called Hunter, clearly trying to seem calmer than he was.  He couldn’t decide if his pace should be a walk or a run so the end result was an awkward speed walk over to her.

She smiled as she waved him over, absentmindedly adjusting her hair as he got closer to her. 

“Hi!” Willow called back. “Are you okay? You look kind of sweaty.”

“I’m fine! Great, how are you? You looked great! Are you sweaty? I mean, not that you look… I mean, because you just did… but you don’t. I mean, I’m here because-.”

“I’m good,” Willow said, answering the question he forgot he asked. “Happy to see you.”

“Really?” That was a good sign.

“Of course,” she smiled, sensing he had more to say. “So… what’s on your mind?”

You. Of course he knew he had a mission. She was so observant, it took his breath away 

“So, Captain… Willow,” he corrected himself, her actual name sounding almost forbidden. “Well, I’ve been thinking… do you… would you… I-.”

“Do you want a drink of water or something?”

“Me? No! I’m fine! Never been better! How are you?”

“You already asked me that, but I-.”

“Date! Do you date?” Hunter’s hand shot to cover his mouth as he looked to the ground in horror.

“Do I… ?” Willow processed his words and then looked at the scruffy boy before her, who looked as though he was about to throw up. She had seen this before, she had felt this before, and she fought the smile that tried to creep onto her face. “Hunter, are… are you asking me out?”

“I’m trying to!” He said, frustrated mostly at himself as he collected his words. 

“It’s okay, take your time.”

“I THINK WE SHOULD DATE!” He covered his mouth again, taken back by his own volume. He struggled to regain any shred of dignity he had left. “I-I’ve made a pros and cons list to review, and the pros are fairly compelling in my opinion and if you want I can-.”

“Okay,” she said softly 

“O…okay?” 

“Yeah,” said Willow brightly. “I’d really like that.”

“To… read the list?”

“To go out with you.”

Time froze. 

“I’m sorry, I think I just blacked out for a second,” Hunter said, clearing his throat, “You would? I mean, of course you would! Yes, of course because that’s how this works.” Hunter rambled, his confidence not even believable to himself. He waited for himself to wake up and for this all to be a dream because he really didn’t think he’d get this far. 

“Do you… wanna walk me home?” asked Willow, taking the lead as Hunter struggled with being unprepared for the first time in his life.

Was that romantic? He had done that plenty of times before. Maybe dating meant doing the same things friends did but with a more official title. But of course yes he very much did. He nodded in response, feeling he had spoken too much already and Willow giggled. 

“Do you wanna… hold hands?” She asked, extending her arm to him. 

There it was. There was the promotion 

He didn’t have the words to respond so instead he extended his hand as well and she linked their hands, effortlessly intertwining their fingers.

So maybe dating means doing the same things but a little differently, thought Hunter. He was grateful she couldn’t tell how sweaty his hands were through his gloves, but the minute they touched he felt a chill go through his spine. They walked in silence for a moment, his eyes darting over to Willow not sure if he was meant to say something or if the silence was enough.

She knew what to say when he was speechless and what to do when he hesitated. It felt almost easy. How could it feel this easy? How had something that once seemed so impossible just suddenly become real in a matter of seconds?

“Um, so just in case… I should tell you something…” said Willow after awhile.

She changed her mind! She was taking it back! This was all a test! A prank! A dream! It WAS too good to be true!

“I’ve never actually dated anyone before,” she said with a… blush? Did I do that? Hunter dared to wonder. Is that a good thing? He couldn’t believe that the Captain had never dated someone before, he had assumed everyone felt this strongly about her after meeting her. But it must be because she was so busy, she didn’t have time for such things.  But she had made time… for him? 

“Me neither,” he admitted, feeling safe to share with her. “I don’t even know if I’m allowed to.”

“Wait, really?”

“Yeah,” said Hunter as his words caught up with him. “Actually… I’m pretty sure… there’s no way my uncle would allow this! If he ever found out-.”

“Hunter, are you okay?”

“I’m sorry, I’m not used to this,” he tried to explain. “This wasn’t a logical decision. Well, it was I did make the list. But it wasn’t? Because the Golden Guard to supposed to focus on order and the coven not… not…”

Not peridot colored eyes and raven colored hair, no, not on effortlessly kind words and the way she smelled like daisies. 

“Well, what the Emperor doesn’t know can’t hurt him.”

“What’re you saying?” 

“I mean, is it so wrong if maybe… you don’t tell him? I mean, is it really any of his business?”

“I mean, he is the Emperor…” said Hunter, baffled she could speak of the most powerful witch in the Isles as though his opinion meant nothing to her.

“Well, how about this: let’s see if this is anything worth telling him about first, okay?”

How could it not be?

“I mean, this is still new to the both of us,” continued Willow. “Very new, I mean we’ve been going out for all of … five minutes? I know that you being the Golden Guard might make things… complicated, but I like you. So I don’t mind complicated.” 

“Really?”

“Yeah,” she said, swinging their linked arms. “You’re worth it.”

“I just… don’t know if I’m any good at this,” admitted Hunter, not accustomed to admitting any form of weakness. “So I understand if you want to reconsider.”

Hunter was torn because his first instinct was to scream at the top of his lungs that Willow Park was his girlfriend. Wait, was that the right word? Was he allowed to call her that? Was that what they were? What were the steps? Was there an official verbal contract they needed to enter? 

“Well… give it some time, you might be the one who wants to reconsider. I might not be that great of a girlfriend-.”

“Don’t say that! You’re a great girlfriend!”

Willow just looked at him with wide eyes and a wider smile. “See? You’re great at this.” Willow beamed as they continued to walk, her leading him and Hunter following behind like a lost puppy. “Look at that! You’ve completed your first official boyfriend duty: getting me home safely.”

Hunter looked up and saw it was the; they had arrived at Willow’s house. How had time gone by so quickly? He dreaded the idea of letting go of her hand and held on tighter without realizing as her words echoed through his mind. Boyfriend. Boyfriend. 

“Boyfriend?” said Hunter under his breath, the word like a spell all by itself. 

“Oh, is that okay? If that’s too soon, we can always-.”

“No, I like it!” said Hunter eagerly, but he didn’t care if it showed this time. 

Willow beamed and tilted her head. “Good, so do I,” she said “Now, since I can’t walk you home, you have another mission to complete: message me when you get there so I know you got back safely.”

“Of course!” he said with enthusiasm as though this was the mission he had been waiting his whole life to be assigned. He began his walk back to the castle, he walked backwards so as to not have to take his eyes off her right away. He didn’t hear Flapjack chirping wildly, warning him to pay attention before he walked into an exposed tree root and fell to the ground.

As she looked over to ensure he was okay, he quickly rose to his feet, hoping his embarrassment wasn’t obvious. 

“Stop falling for me and pay attention to where you’re going!’ shouted Willow after him with a laugh, a laugh that he knew wasn’t laughing at him but he was still happy to have inspired. 

His chest felt like it was burning, like a fire made for warmth not to destroy and he was amazed he could tell the difference. This feeling would be hard to keep secret, now that he knew it was shared. But if he had to keep this a secret to see where it could go, he could. He would keep her like a secret, like an oath, like a promise, like anything she was willing to be to him. He would do anything to keep her.

[mst3kproject]

423: Bride of the Monster

 My favourite part of this episode is the ‘Favourites from Hired!’ skit Joel and the bots do in between the short and the movie.  It’s so perfect in its parody of musicals, and the songs are better than almost any of the music featured in MST3K’s movies. When I got my current job, back in 2012, I actually extemporized a career-appropriate version of I Just Got Hired to sing on the way home.

I enjoy the movie, too, though.  The ‘Old Willows Place’ is a house by a lake in the middle of some very spooky woods, with a reputation for being a home to monsters – which include the hulking Lobo and the gargantuan octopus that lives in the lake.  The monsters, however, are just the appetizer: mad Dr. Vornoff has built an evil laboratory in the basement and is trying to create a race of giants by experimenting on random passers-by.  So far all his attempts have been failures, but enough rumor about this has leaked out to get the attention of zealous reporter Janet Lawton.  She heads out to the Old Willows Place to see for herself, only to be captured by Vornoff and Lobo.  Is Janet doomed to become Vornoff’s first successful giant?

This movie is famously cheap, to the point where it becomes kind of charming.  The walls of Vornoff’s laboratory are plywood painted with big dark squares to try to look like stone.  When the monster octopus isn’t footage shot through the side of an aquarium, it’s a few immobile rubber tentacles off a prop from the 1948 movie Wake of the Red Witch (it is not true that Wood stole the octopus, by the way – Tim Burton appears to have made that up).  Vornoff growing to gigantic size is represented by him raising his arms into the air, and later by the stuntman wearing platform heels.  A scene with ‘quicksand’ is just actor Tony McCoy standing in a hole in the ground.

Also rather entertaining is the fact that while nobody in the movie is very good, they all look like they’re having a great time.  Loretta King relishes every word of her dialogue and Harvey B. Dunn as the police chief seems to enjoy the banter scenes and the interactions with his little parrot – I wonder if it were Dunn’s real-life pet.  Bela Lugosi as Vornoff chews the scenery with evident enjoyment and a surprising amount of dignity for such a silly film.

The plot mostly resembles a coherent story, and the cast’s actual dedication is enough to move Bride of the Monster past ‘bad’ and into ‘so bad it’s good’.  What really interests me about it, though, is the question of whose movie it actually is. There’s only one character who can properly be said to have an arc, to start off as one thing and evolve into another. It’s not Janet or Dick, our apparent heroes, nor is it Dr. Vornoff – it’s actually Lobo!

Lobo begins the movie as Vornoff’s unquestioning servant, doing his master’s dirty work and being beaten into submission when he refuses – which isn’t often.  We’re meant to believe he’s mentally handicapped, but he’s smarter than he lets on, and something about Janet (or perhaps her furry hat) awakens some rebellion in him.  At the climax he takes charge of his own destiny, saving Janet from Vornoff’s clutches and strapping Vornoff into his own machine.  He has become somebody capable of standing up for himself against his abuser, only for the very instrument of his revenge – the giant-making machine – to turn against him!

Think about it: who else is gonna be the hero of this movie?  Not Janet – once she reaches the Old Willows Place, Vornoff places her in his hypnotic thrall and she’s incapable of doing anything useful until Lobo unties her.  Not Dick – he’s chained up while Vornoff prepares to experiment on Janet and can’t get out until she’s free to undo his shackles! Then he tries to fight Lobo, gets his ass kicked and his shirt mostly torn off, and just lies on the floor during the climax.  Certainly not the chief of police – his bird shows more initiative than he does!  It’s Lobo all the way!  He oughtta team up with Eulabelle from The Horror of Party Beach.  There’s a pair of unappreciated heroes who could totally save the world!

On the other hand, Lobo also gets a death suitable for the villain of this movie!  Like any halfway-respectable mad scientist, Lobo is killed by his own creation, the giant Dr. Vornoff!  It’s a bit of an open question what Lobo thought the embiggening machine would do to Vornoff… he clearly fears it’ll kill Janet, since he takes the trouble to rescue her from it, and it’s likely he puts Vornoff into it hoping to see him fried.  Why he didn’t just break the man’s neck or feed him to the octopus, as he did with Dr. Strowski, I don’t know.  Perhaps he’s merely falling back on his training, although there are clearly some higher thought processes at work, since he must have learned to operate Dr. Vornoff’s machine by watching, and since this is evidently something he hasn’t done before he must have made a conscious decision to do it.

Vornoff is in turn killed by his creation, the monster octopus.  Such is the fate of all who Tamper in God’s Domain.

Another argument that this is actually Lobo’s movie is that he might be the monster referenced in the title.  Janet is clearly the bride, since she’s wearing a wedding dress at the climax – though the movie never tells us why, and the last guy Vornoff experimented on appeared to just have a sheet over him.  It’s true that Vornoff tells the two hunters Lobo is not the legendary Lake Marsh Monster, and implies that it is actually the giant octopus – but nobody comes near marrying the octopus.  Instead, it’s Lobo who appears to consider Janet a potential bride, and rescues her in the hope of winning her heart.  Then again, perhaps Vornoff is the monster.  He carries Janet off, probably intending to rebuild his laboratory and make her his giant bride, and his acts throughout the movie certainly qualify as monstrous.

I know, I know.  It’s an Ed Wood movie.  I’m thinking too hard.

Unique in Ed Wood's filmography, Bride of the Monster is rather mysterious about its message.  I’ve observed before that Wood wanted to make important movies, movies that would teach people to be better human beings, and usually this ‘moral’ is pretty obvious.  The Sinister Urge is about the horrors of pornography, Jail Bait and The Violent Years are about being involved with your children’s lives, and Plan Nine from Outer Space is about the arms race, as the aliens are determined to destroy us before we can discover the ultimate weapon.  What the heck is Bride of the Monster about?

Perhaps it, too, is about humanity’s warlike tendencies: Dr. Vornoff’s home country wants to use his work to rule the world, while Vornoff, like Dr. Zorka of The Phantom Creeps, would rather rule the world himself.  The final line, the infamous he tampered in God’s domain, suggest that the theme is scientific over-reach, which is also echoed in Plan Nine – Vornoff discovered something man wasn’t mean to know and it destroyed him, just as the Solarmanite is likely to do to all humanity in the other movie. But there’s also yet a third theme from Wood’s other works that creeps in here, and that’s the uselessness of the police.

I’m not sure if this is something Wood actually thought about, like he did his other themes, but it is a motif that runs through multiple films: the police don’t try very hard and are, ultimately, irrelevant.  It was true in Plan Nine, as well as in Jail Bait and The Sinister Urge – policemen are fairly major characters without doing anything much to further the plot.  This seems to be at the forefront of Bride of the Monster even more than the other films, as we get to know at least three of the cops fairly well and one of them, Dick, has an intimate connection with the actual plot in that he’s engaged to Janet.

As well as Dick, who tries to be a hero and fails, spectacularly, over and over, we get to know two other policemen: Kelton is eager to please but incompetent and cowardly, and Captain Robbins is far more interested in playing with his pet bird than with solving crimes.  They’re all spectators for the climax, while Lobo does interesting things and giant Vornoff fights his octopus.  Did Wood have some kind of grudge against the constabulary?  Or was all this just a side effect of bad writing and attempts to add character?

Finally, Bride of the Monster is particular fun for MSTies because it’s so full of opportunities to play The Movies Are All Coming Together.  If you feel like it, for example, you can wonder if Tor Johnson is playing the same Lobo as in The Unearthly – perhaps he came to, escaped the fire, and went to go work for Dr. Conway!  Heck, maybe he’s also the same character as in The Beast of Yucca Flats… maybe he got his scars from that nuclear test, and is able to work Vornoff’s machinery because somewhere in there is some vestige of Joseph Javorski, Noted Scientist!

You can also ponder whether this might be a sequel to The Corpse Vanishes.  In both movies, Bela Lugosi plays an evil scientist who keeps deformed henchmen and works alone in an isolated house… in The Corpse Vanishes he was interested in young brides and hormone secretions.  Maybe in Bride of the Monster he dresses Janet up in a wedding gown because he’s used to working on young brides, and any attempt to turn people into giants would probably involve human growth hormone.

Wood did make a sequel of sorts to Bride of the Monster, called Night of the Ghouls – I’ll have to find that and watch it as an Episode that Never Was.  I will not, however, be reviewing Plan Nine.  So many other internet reviewers have done so that I doubt I have anything new to say about it, and besides, I honestly don’t think MST3K would ever have featured it. As supposedly ‘the worst movie ever made’ (though we MSTies have seen way worse), it was simply too obvious.