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#when i get home im gonna take one of the too many old covid tests we have
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i think my uni has stopped doing online classes for normal people and this makes me soso sad (unavoidable 9am class)
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argumentl · 3 years
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The Freedom of Expression - Ep 44 'Guitar Center' preparing to file for bankruptcy & Urgent announcement.
On screen text:
Notice
27th Dec 2020 (Sun) 23:30~ The Freedom of Expression LIVE #3 Live broadcast.
K: Hi, this is Dir en grey's Kaoru with this week's episode of The Freedom of Expression. Joe, Tasai, welcome. Well, I feel kinda attatched to the topic this week. Joe, please could you..?
J: Yes, its sad news, but.. America's largest musical instrument retail chain 'Guitar Center' is preparing to file for bankruptcy. According to the New York Times, its possible that the chain might go bankrupt due to business difficulties. The chain is the biggest musical instrument chain in America, and has around 300 stores nationwide. Taken over in 2007, the business struggled hard with the switch to online sales, but was pretty successful in two and a half years, and up until this February had been increasing sales for ten quarters in a row. However, because Guitar Center is dependent on in-store sales, the business took a huge hit from the coronavirus pandemic. Sales for the most recent financial year were declared to be $2.3 billion, but the chain has $1.3 billion in debt, and its credit rating was downgraded in April. According to the New York Times, the chain fell behind with interest payments of $45 million this month for the first time ever, and although they have been given 32 hours, there is a chance they will default on thier debts. According to specific sources, Guitar Center have been in contact with thier creditors, will file for bankruptcy within the month, and are considering a plan to withdraw at the start of 2021. 
K: It says within the year, right?
J: Oh, yes, sorry, within the year.
K: The first time I went to this store was about 23 or 24 years ago, when we went to America for recording. We were taken there..me and the other members, but it was so huge!
J: It is huge, yeh.
K: It was in LA, but I never relised that type of place existed.
J: Its Hollywood, right?
K: Yeh.
T: How big was it? Like how many guitars?
K: It was as big as a Japanese supermarket.
T: Ehh?
J: Its as big as a wearhouse, isn't it?
K: Well, yeh, it looks like that from outside too.
T: Was it like the instrument shops you see in Tokyo?
K: No, no, no. They normally don't have drum kits and stuff assembled in stores here, but they do there.
T: Ehh? Thats really big.
J: It is. So Kaoru, did you go there and test out the guitars?
K: I have done. But back then, I didn't really feel any preferences as for the instruments, I just got the feel of the place. I was just like, 'Wow, Im in Guitar Center!'. It was a great feeling seeing all the different instruments.
J: The Americans try out the instruments pretty enthusiastically, don't they?
K: They were really good! haha
J: Right?
K: The people playing...I gradually just stopped trying stuff out there.
J, T: Hahha.
K: But when we go on tours and the equipment breaks or something, we have been to Guitar Center to get replacements before. So if it disappears, we could be in a bit of trouble on tours.
J: Thats right.
T: Yeah.
K: Its a bit risky ordering stuff online to arrive at the venue in time.
T: Of course.
K: If you go to the store you can just get what you need and leave.
J: With 300 stores, it seems like there are quite a lot in big cities, so if anything happened on tour, you could just drop into one of the stores..
K: Yeh yeh yeh.
J: And they would have what you wanted.
T: America is amazing. It says here they worked hard with the move to online sales, but don't you need to test-play a guitar before buying? Is it ok to buy online?
K: Nah, but people buy everything online these days.
J: Yeah.
T: I kinda imagined you would go to the store, play the instrument, and then decide you want to buy it.
K: Well, yeh. But I didn't test out my first guitar before buying it.
J: Oh, is that so?
K: It was a specific model that was sold out, so I had to reserve it..
T: I see.
K: And pay for it in advance, then wait till it arrived.
J: Ehh? But you knew what type of guitar you were getting though, right?
K: Yeh, I knew what shape it would be and stuff, but its cause that was my first guitar.
T: By the way, how old were you when you bought your first guitar?
K: Around first year of high school.
T: Ahh, I see.
J: Ahh. Eh?! First year of high school when you bought your first guitar?
K: Yeh. I started playing a bit earlier than that using borrowed guitars.
T: So, you thought, 'I want one', and bought your first one, right?
J: I bought my first electric guitar when i was in Junior High school. Everyone starts a band at that age, don't they? And I thought, if Im gonna do it, then I should be on guitar, right? With drums you really need space at home to set them up, so I couldn't buy a set. I bought a kind of cheap guitar/amp set for beginners. But I couldn't play the F chord properly, it was pretty frustrating.
T: This will make me look clueless, but Kaoru, how many guitars have you actually bought?
K: I havn't really..
T: Oh, not many?
K: No, I havn't actually bought that many...Like 10? I usually have them made through contracts with ESP.
J: But by now you have signature models and stuff, right?
K: Yeah. I mean, I will buy a guitar myself if I want to play it at home or something.
J: Ahh. Well, its kinda sad seeing these musical instrument stores disappear.
K: I've always had the impression that musical instruments don't sell in large numbers anyway.
J: But..well, i've done some interviews in relation to this, and it seems like musical instruments have been selling quite well during covid. Especially in America, it seems like there was a lot of people in the countryside playing guitar at home. But as for sales, they would probably buy online, especially during covid when you couldn't go to the store in person, I think some of the stores would have been closed. So even if online sales have increased...like with Guitar Center, if you have that many stores..there will be the burden of maintenance costs, staff wages, rent, and somehow the debt will grow and grow. But if online buying continues to develop in this way, we might see an increasing trend of people who play guitar without having tested it first.
K: Hmm, yeh, they won't be trying them out first. ???*1
J, T: Yeah, thats right.
J: What are your thoughts on this, Kaoru? About the concept of a test-run disappearing?
K: I wonder whether young people will still buy guitars. I think the people buying them will be like wealthy people etc. But I don't think young people these days are that interested in buying a guitar and starting a band. If they do become interested in musical instruments, I think it will be more and more online sales.
J: I wonder how thats gonna go, with the guitar makers and musical instrument shops struggling..
K: But even if guitars sell, I wonder if there is anyone who will still buy amps?
J: Ahh, I see.
K: Young people these days don't really buy amps, do they? There are amp simulators now, so you can buy one of these machines and input the data digitally, and then just use a regular speaker.
J: And thats just enough, right?
K: Well, you can do it like that, yeh. And you can simulate lots of different types of amp, so you can get specific sounds. People probably aren't buying the real thing these days.
J: But the subtleness of the sound is different, isn't it?
K: Its totally different.
J: Right? Its completely different. So its...Well, for peope like us, we've heard the sound coming through amps at live houses, we've been hearing that kind of sound for years, but for young people, in one sense a different sound is...
K: (*Kaoru talking about amps/simulators. I don't know enough about amps to really get what he means here, sorry!*)
J: Ah, so if they start thinking there is only one choice, rather than listening to the old types and making a reasoned decision?
K: Yes. So even now, if you go to a Japanese musical instrument shop, there used to be amps all lined up, like Marshall or Fender etc. Now, there are no amps, but many types of simulator machines. You can just buy them and take them straight home. It seems like they sell well. So if you find one guitar that is easy to play, and you have one of these simulators, you can make all sorts of sounds.
J: Yeah.
T: I see.
J: Like usally, if the neck is different, the responding sound will differ, but you will be able to compensate for that with a simulator, so..
K: I don't think many people do that.
J: Oh, right.
K: But I don't know.
Kami: Um, can I ask something? Um, I've played guitar before. But I got blisters straight away, and my wrist started to hurt. Does that happen to you too, Kaoru?
T, J: Haha
T: Thats a grest question to ask a guitarist, Kami.
K: Well, during recording...or like when recording something all in one go, it does start to hurt, haha.
T: Haha
J: If you are playing non-stop? But hey, I wonder how this situation will look in 10 or 20 years?
K: There'll be no music stores like Tower Records etc by then.
J: Yeh, yeh.
T: Hmm, yeh.
J: Old guys will be sad. 
K: But even with cars and stuff, there is that kind of rental service now, isn't there?
T: Carsharing?
K: Yeah. So won't car showrooms eventually disappear?
J: I think so. And with clothes, there's a high possibility that stores will start to disappear.
K: Oh, now you mention clothes, do you remember that online thing we talked about before where they put the clothes that you like onto your photo?
J: Yeah, yeah.
K: I had thought about doing that, but the site has shut down!
J: Ah, its over?
K: Yeah, so I couldn't do it.
J: Oh, thats a shame.
T: It is.
J: So many businesses have been hit by covid, I think the view that we see before us will be a lot different by next year, or the year after. Getting aound this will have an effect on the way we live or express ourselves, I feel.
T: I lived on an island in Kagoshima when I was little. We had a Shamisen in our house, it had a kind of plastic stick to play it.
J: Can you play, Tasai?
T: No, not at all. I only ever just picked it up sometimes for fun.
J: You could show us a Kagoshima folk song to finish.
T: Haha, no no no. Why?
J: I don't know. To wrap it up?
T: No, it wouldn't wrap it up, haha. 
K: In that case, Joe, you should play guitar.
J: Lets perform together sometime!
K: No way!
T: Joe!
K: No thanks, haha.
J: I'd gain prestige by playing with Kaoru from Dir en grey. There would be no merit for you though, Kaoru.
T: I'd go numb, I wouldn't be able to play at all if I were you. haha. Playing next to a pro.
J: Well, what can I say? I have big dreams. No, but if we did play together, I'd practice, I'd give it my best.
T: Of course.
K: Well, yeh.
J: If, for example, we played together on this youtube channel next year, I'd be serious about practicing.
Kami: I'll do it too.
J: Kami too?!
K: Hahaha
J: Would you, Kami?
Kami: I would.
K: But your hands would start to hurt.
T: Right.
Kami: I'd practice.
J: You'll practice? In that case, we could have Tasai on Shamisen too, and all play together.
T: Shamisen is ok? Well, I guess its a stringed instrument like guitar.
J: Lets announce something.
*...silence...*
K: Hahahaha
J: No-ones getting on board with this?
K: hahaha
J: Oh, nevermind then! haha.
K: Well, if the opportunity arises, right?
J: Yes, if the opportunity arises.
K: Ok, we'll finish here for this week. Please subscribe. Thank you very much.
On screen text:
Notice
27th Dec 2020 (Sun) 23:30~ The Freedom of Expression LIVE #3 Live broadcast.
*1,2 Couldn't catch.
* Feel free to inform if it looks like I've misinterpreted some of the amp/simulator talk.
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knicole0527 · 4 years
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How Did I Fall For Unwritten History?
So I’m in a whole relationship right? Like a whole fat ass relationship. Like me plus her equals nobody else . Its kinda dope and kinda like coccaine . If she was a drug I’d take it . She grounds me . She makes love to my mind , heart , and then my body . Her way of words sometimes makes me feel stupid because she uses words I cant imagine using . My vocabulary aint that big . But ask me about math or science ? I’m definitely ya girl . She was my missing piece . If that makes any sense at all . We definitely have our rollercoasters but I’ll killl anyone over her and I stand on that . Best part its with who I chose and not who my parents chose or approved of. I actually dont care whether they approve of me or not. Mom didnt want kids anyways. As she put it, she likes “ a return to sender kid “ I know she used to joke about it but I later found it to be true. So at this point either you like my happiness or you dont. But anyways, So we met the first time at work, Afni Call Center to be exact. She was a bet. By bet I mean with green money with coworkers. So I bet that I would get smashed by this girl and they would each owe me 50 bucks. I mean who can turn down money. Plus she was kinda cute and I know she was watching my little booty when I would walk away . I was 80 pounds lighter when we first met .
But here lately things have gone to shit . I can admit I fucked up . Well in the beginning . I cheated . She found out . But I was honestly gone tell her everything but she found out I broke her heart all that and then some . Since I put all my business out there . Only reason why I cheated was because I wanted a kid . I wanted her for sure but I wanted a kid . As time passed us by I realized she doesn’t want kids at all . So I had to make a decision , kids or stick around for my one true love in my adult life . So I looked her in the face , I probably had tears In my eyes and told her I chose her . She looked at me with confusion for a little and I dont think she anted me to flat out give up kids. But I was gone doe what I had to do to keep her by my side .
Now before we get to me cheating . I had an apartment on Old Morgantown Road . I loved that damn space man . Hard wood flooring . Storage unit . I had a w/d hook up . I had a good apartment and I could afford it and be able to live my best life . Rent was 475 a month . Utilities and water ran me about 80 . So I was well within my budget . But my dumb ass got involved with this man who I thought I could change . I was trying to hear from nobody about nothing . I wasnt trying to hear that he was cheating because I felt like I gave him no reason to cheat . I was giving him everything and then some . Hell I let his stupid ass cousin stay on my couch . So they were living rent free right , I know stupid Kendra always doing dumb shit . I should have opened my eyes but I didn’t .
Well he and I are definitely no longer together . He got my little cousin pregnant . I dont know whats worse . That she knew he was still living with me . That she knew we was kin . That he knew we was still together , fucking and living together and I never ask for a dollar . Or that my bosses had to call me in the office with another one of my cousins and sit me down to tell and show me that he was cheating and she was pregnant . It even shocked me that she tried to question me about my niggas car . Like girl he and I live together so yes maam I’m gone drive his car . and she was in shock to see me in the drivers seat . huh . Aint that funny how it all played out though ? But you know , karma got took his dick for a minute . He got the worst news of his life . His heart was just as shattered as mine . His trust was screwed if not worse than mine . He found out that while he was too busy cheating on me , she was getting knocked down by his cousin . LMFAO SERIOUSLY . He did all that cheating and got that girl pregnant and ended up getting played himself . So while I was his woman , he had a side bitch who had a side nigga , but THE SIDE NIGGA HAD A SIDE BITCH . I hadnt had sex with him in a while because things started getting to me and I was becoming very suspicious so I was still going to get checked anyways . But yea . What a fckd up love hexagon . Crazy how we all worked together . But when I reached my snapping point . I became a little on the ratchet side and called his mom and told her come get her sons belongings because he was homeless again . My cousin didnt have her own spot so somebody had to come take care of him because by that time I was done pretending .
Shit got bad for me mentally . I had me fckd up . I lost my job and went broke because I drank and popped it away . I know definitely wasn’t the right thing but I just wanted to feel numb to everything . I didnt really care how I got high just as long as I as high I was okay and at peace .
Alot of time went by and my past came back . She made me feel safe . And she saw me ; like the actual me . She knew something was up . Hell I gained 50 pounds since the last time we seen each other . But when she came back . I dont know if I was more so excited to see her or trying to fuck her right there on the floor at work . I walked in the door and the moment I seen her ... I didnt care who I was talking to , I think Wanda , I’m sorry boo but I seen my old boo and just had to do it . I could not help myself I had to hug her before I did anything else . I had a little more weight on me too because during our last encounter , hmm hmm , I was a bit smaller and hadnt grown boobs yet . So when she seen me running 90 mph to her ; baby girl was in for a shock .
Time went by and we started seeing each other a little more outside of work . Then she started to spend the night . But when she started doing that , I think I made things a little complicated for her at her moms . I had no intentions of doing so but it kinda got weird because she wasnt coming home very much any more . But yall , when I had her all to myself . Do you know how many times I undressed this girl with my eyes . I mean she standing there fully clothed and I seen EVERY INCH of her thru them clothes . It was bad yall . lol . She kinda eventually sorda moved in ; even though I thought she had already moved in . Time went by and things were okay ya know . We were just in the “ talking “ phase and just filling each other out . She started to grow on me a little more than I planned . and then I wanna say it was my birthday or after ? Baby girl was so drunk . She , our mutual friend , and I went to go grab food and drinks . Weeellllllll , I trapped her into drinking and drinking and drinking . We got home ? and she drank and and got funnier as the night went on . I remember that day like it was yesterday and the videos I have are absolutely the funniest videos I have ever recorded . “ butt clouds “ and the car honk that about gave her a damn heart attack .
Anywho times have went on . We decided to go to hilltop and live there . Who would have thought we would live together because I was stern on not wanting to live with her . It was weird living there . Always wondering if or when we were going to get a roommate . Then ? Thats the first time I ever broke a heart . See , she was always wanting to like distinguish a title. Meanwhile I am petrified of titles and labels and shit . Plus I have labeled myself for so long I didnt want to put a label on she and I . So I waited and waited and waited and decided to test waters . By testing waters meaning , I caught baby fever BAD . LIKE BAD BAD . I wanted a kid so bad I didnt think about talking to her first , I was just hoping one day I could be like , surprise baby we are having a baby ; butttttt I was gonna tell her how I got pregnant IF if actually happened . But she kinda beat me to it . She seen the messages on her tablet and as you know it went to shit from there . I broke her heart . I wasnt sure if or when she would or could ever forgive me . ( its JAn232021 ) and I know she still hasn’t forgiven me for anything . Not sure if she will ever get past it enough to love me love me .
We made it official , May 2019. By that time the only things that mattered to me were building a life with her. Come August 2020 . We got a place together and as time went on, I knew something was wrong but I would rather ignore it than have to go to the doctor because that just aint my cup of tea. I hate doctors.. they always wanna diagnose people with shit. I just didn’t wanna be one of those people so I held out as long as I could before it got to the point of being unbearable . I lost yet another good job . At first they thought it was covid and it wasnt . I tested negative for covid . Then I had like 5 appointments that following week . I was put on all types of stuff . I was throwing up everything . I was crying non stop . I was doing things not in my normal regimen . Thats when things fell harder on her . Harder as in bills , and stress and everything . I became that burden . I became the thing in the relationship that puts everything on the line . I became the complete failure in the relationship .
I wasn’t able to help like I planned . in fact my checks were so small that every pay day because I had all my bills and people I owed money to on auto pay and I kept making promises, put me in the negatives . I was in the negatives for 3 to 4 months . So imagine being the one in the relationship who didnt feel welcome . Who didnt feel like I deserved the love and things like that . All I wanted to do was help out and I couldn’t . Made me want to pack up and wait until I knew she was gone so I could leave . I didn’t know what to do . But I knew I was pretty much of no use . I knew that she resented me . I knew it pushed things back so far it may never come back to normal .
But now , Im better than I was still struggling though .  But I have this amazing job . I have a job where I can do my part and not hurt . I have a job where I can finally help out now . But its not enough . I’m not enough . The love is not enough anymore . I have became disposable . I have become the one who broke and shattered her heart and trust in her adult love life . How do I come back from it ? How do I rescue something that may have already died ? Am I worth it ? Am I better off without ? Do I deserve her ? She deserves the world and I want to give it to her I do .
But idk , maybe my mom was right . just maybe the only things I’m good at are singing and laying on my back . Havent accomplished shit yet . Got banned from a job because I tried to put my hands on someone . Got fired from 3 good fucking jobs because of my health .
Im crashing at this point . My future is on edge . I am on edge . this is not cool dude . But I will play the hand I’m dealt . Maybe I will win and marry the woMAN of my dreams . Or maybe I will just fck it up once again . We Will See .
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thekaeb3412-blog · 4 years
Text
The Story of How I Fell In Love With Unwritten History
So I’m in a whole relationship right? Like a whole fat ass relationship. Like me plus her equals nobody else . Its kinda dope and kinda like coccaine . If that makes any sense at all . We definitely have our rollercoasters but I’ll killl anyone over her and I stand on that . Best part its with who I chose and not who my parents chose or approved of. I actually dont care whether they approve of me or not. Mom didnt want kids anyways. As she put it, she likes “ a return to sender kid “ I know she used to joke about it but I later found it to be true. So at this point either you like my happiness or you dont. But anyways, So we met the first time at work, Afni Call Center to be exact. She was a bet. By bet I mean with green money with coworkers. So I bet that I would get smashed by this girl and they would each owe me 50 bucks. I mean who can turn down money. Plus she was kinda cute and I know she was watching my little booty when I would walk away . I was 80 pounds lighter when we first met . 
But here lately things have gone to shit . I can admit I fucked up . Well in the beginning . I cheated . She found out . But I was honestly gone tell her everything but she found out I broke her heart all that and then some . Since I put all my business out there . Only reason why I cheated was because I wanted a kid . I wanted her for sure but I wanted a kid . As time passed us by I realized she doesn’t want kids at all . So I had to make a decision , kids or stick around for my one true love in my adult life . So I looked her in the face , I probably had tears In my eyes and told her I chose her . She looked at me with confusion for a little and I dont think she anted me to flat out give up kids. But I was gone doe what I had to do to keep her by my side . 
Now before we get to me cheating . I had an apartment on Old Morgantown Road . I loved that damn space man . Hard wood flooring . Storage unit . I had a w/d hook up . I had a good apartment and I could afford it and be able to live my best life . Rent was 475 a month . Utilities and water ran me about 80 . So I was well within my budget . But my dumb ass got involved with this man who I thought I could change . I was trying to hear from nobody about nothing . I wasnt trying to hear that he was cheating because I felt like I gave him no reason to cheat . I was giving him everything and then some . Hell I let his stupid ass cousin stay on my couch . So they were living rent free right , I know stupid Kendra always doing dumb shit . I should have opened my eyes but I didn’t . 
Well he and I are definitely no longer together . He got my little cousin pregnant . I dont know whats worse . That she knew he was still living with me . That she knew we was kin . That he knew we was still together , fucking and living together and I never ask for a dollar . Or that my bosses had to call me in the office with another one of my cousins and sit me down to tell and show me that he was cheating and she was pregnant . It even shocked me that she tried to question me about my niggas car . Like girl he and I live together so yes maam I’m gone drive his car . and she was in shock to see me in the drivers seat . huh . Aint that funny how it all played out though ? But you know , karma got took his dick for a minute . He got the worst news of his life . His heart was just as shattered as mine . His trust was screwed if not worse than mine . He found out that while he was too busy cheating on me , she was getting knocked down by his cousin . LMFAO SERIOUSLY . He did all that cheating and got that girl pregnant and ended up getting played himself . So while I was his woman , he had a side bitch who had a side nigga , but THE SIDE NIGGA HAD A SIDE BITCH . I hadnt had sex with him in a while because things started getting to me and I was becoming very suspicious so I was still going to get checked anyways . But yea . What a fckd up love hexagon . Crazy how we all worked together . But when I reached my snapping point . I became a little on the ratchet side and called his mom and told her come get her sons belongings because he was homeless again . My cousin didnt have her own spot so somebody had to come take care of him because by that time I was done pretending . 
Shit got bad for me mentally . I had me fckd up . I lost my job and went broke because I drank and popped it away . I know definitely wasn’t the right thing but I just wanted to feel numb to everything . I didnt really care how I got high just as long as I as high I was okay and at peace . 
Alot of time went by and my past came back . She made me feel safe . And she saw me ; like the actual me . She knew something was up . Hell I gained 50 pounds since the last time we seen each other . But when she came back . I dont know if I was more so excited to see her or trying to fuck her right there on the floor at work . I walked in the door and the moment I seen her ... I didnt care who I was talking to , I think Wanda , I’m sorry boo but I seen my old boo and just had to do it . I could not help myself I had to hug her before I did anything else . I had a little more weight on me too because during our last encounter , hmm hmm , I was a bit smaller and hadnt grown boobs yet . So when she seen me running 90 mph to her ; baby girl was in for a shock . 
Time went by and we started seeing each other a little more outside of work . Then she started to spend the night . But when she started doing that , I think I made things a little complicated for her at her moms . I had no intentions of doing so but it kinda got weird because she wasnt coming home very much any more . But yall , when I had her all to myself . Do you know how many times I undressed this girl with my eyes . I mean she standing there fully clothed and I seen EVERY INCH of her thru them clothes . It was bad yall . lol . She kinda eventually sorda moved in ; even though I thought she had already moved in . Time went by and things were okay ya know . We were just in the “ talking “ phase and just filling eachother out . She started to grow on me a little more than I planned . and then I wanna say it was my birthday or after ? Baby girl was so drunk . She , our friend Ladaya , and I went to go grab food and drinks . Weeellllllll , I trapped her into drinking and drinking and drinking . We got home ? and she drank and and got funnier as the night went on . I remember that day like it was yesterday and the videos I have are absolutely the funniest videos I have ever recorded . “ butt clouds “ and the car honk that about gave her a damn heart attack . 
Anywho times have went on . We decided to go to hilltop and live there . Who would have thought we would live together because I was stern on not wanting to live with her . It was weird living there . Always wondering if or when we were going to get a roommate . Then ? Thats the first time I ever broke a heart . See , she was always wanting to like distinguish a title. Meanwhile I am petrified of titles and labels and shit . Plus I have labeled myself for so long I didnt want to put a label on she and I . So I waited and waited and waited and decided to test waters . By testing waters meaning , I caught baby fever BAD . LIKE BAD BAD . I wanted a kid so bad I didnt think about talking to her first , I was just hoping one day I could be like , surprise baby we are having a baby ; butttttt I was gonna tell her how I got pregnant IF if actually happened . But she kinda beat me to it . She seen the messages on her tablet and as you know it went to shit from there . I broke her heart . I wasnt sure if or when she would or could ever forgive me . ( its JAn232021 ) and I know she still hasn’t forgiven me for anything . Not sure if she will ever get past it enough to love me love me .
 We made it official , May 2019. By that time the only things that mattered to me were building a life with her. Come August 2020 . We got a place together and as time went on, I knew something was wrong but I would rather ignore it than have to go to the doctor because that just aint my cup of tea. I hate doctors.. they always wanna diagnose people with shit. I just didn’t wanna be one of those people so I held out as long as I could before it got to the point of being unbearable . I lost yet another good job . At first they thought it was covid and it wasnt . I tested negative for covid . Then I had like 5 appointments that following week . I was put on all types of stuff . I was throwing up everything . I was crying non stop . I was doing things not in my normal regimen . Thats when things fell harder on her . Harder as in bills , and stress and everything . I became that burden . I became the thing in the relationship that puts everything on the line . I became the complete faliure in the relationship . 
I wasn’t able to help like I planned . in fact my checks were so small that every pay day because I had all my bills and people I owed money to on auto pay and I kept amking promises, put me in the negatives . I was in the negatives for 3 to 4 months . So imagine being the one in the relationship who didnt feel welcome . Who didnt feel like I desrved the love and things like that . All I wanted to do was help out and I couldn’t . Made me want to pack up and wait until I knew she was gone so I could leave . I didn’t know what to do . But I knew I was pretty much of no use . I knew that she resented me . I knew it pushed things back so far it may never come back to normal . 
But now , Im better than I was still struggling though .  But I have this amazing job . I have a job where I can do my part and not hurt . I have a job where I can finally help out now . But its not enough . I’m not enough . The love is not enough anymore . I have became disposable . I have become the one who broke and shattered her heart and trust in her adult love life . How do I come back from it ? How do I rescue something that may have already died ? Am I worth it ? Am I better off without ? Do I deserve her ? She deserves the world and I want to give it to her I do .
But idk , maybe my mom was right . just maybe the only things I’m good at are singing and laying on my back . Havent accomplished shit yet . Got banned from a job because I tried to put my hands on someone . Got fired from 3 good fucking jobs because of my health . 
Im crashing at this point . My future is on edge . I am on edge . this is not cool dude . 
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I love this girl. She make me laugh. She make me smile
And I know she's suffering and I know she's being honest.
But I feel and I understand her frustration and that is what makes me smile.
Y'all gotta watch she goes off on Corona and COVID -19 calling it a her and a she.
Saying she didn't do no wrong and she don't deserve house arrest.
I believe her and I love her for her pure honesty and raw anger and hate for the situation.
I felt that same so many times in my life for aliens and for situations beyond the means of the Earth.
People like her i been worried for. People trying their best But just one day its too much.
I worry because I'm like that myself.
While she seem like... A volcano... Realize she took herself outside. Yelled loud enough so the kids were warned to not approach her she needed her own anger time out.
And she yelled her heart and mind out. She yelled it so strong and powerful.
And for that i am proud of her.
I'm sure she went inside and gave them kids all the love they deserve and juice without making a pool.
You can send your kids in the backyard and play. I see there's a garage open... Let them draw with chalk and get out your pretty hair.
They're bored as you auntie. Idk if you're baby sitting or live in... But it seems like you got someone essential working, or someone other than you that isn't pulling "at home weight" as much as you.
Being in front of the open garage... Laughing a bit at yourself when you said you wanted to make lil girl a pool... Drinking.. Feeling trapped ... Just seems like Some one else is leaving every day and you can't. And if you ask me to look real good you was waiting the last few minutes outside for them to come driving up.
So you may wanna go pick up a Wal-Mart pick up order of grocery. It sometimes is a long line. I looked this morning and its all booked to Monday for my local one. But doing that will keep you in less contact with others thus ideally healthier. Then spin through the drive thru and take the long way home.
There's no law saying the stay at home personnel must stay home at all times. Just limited.
You wouldn't necessarily wanna go in the stores seeing as yoh are the number one to care for the children, auntie. As the germs are more likely to be there. But to do a pick up. Idk who else is doing pick up. We just have Wal-Mart here... But may be others,in your local area. Well pick up you Just verify its your order. Through your car window so it's very limited contact with one person and they load up your groceries and you sit and wait in the car.
At the same time there's no law you and the kids can't go in the store. Its just limited.
It's clear you're not going anywhere. You can go places. Just limited. I do believe you can get in the car and just go for a drive. Just get out in the car and drive wherever. Idk where you live and if they have a ban but here in New Mexico we can drive anywhere in the state. And hotels are still operating. So drive to the next city and get a hotel for a night.
Its okay in many areas to do so. Even in NYC you can book a room.
But if we have to social distance. And we are in our cars following traffic laws and just driving without getting out of our cars. Then we are obeying the rules.
Loop hole baby.
Many of us feel like our cars are as personal as our homes. So #stayhome would be same as #stayinthecar on a nice drive.
And she has a 3 year old. Its a perfect time to show her the neighborhood and let her get familiar with it and how to get to the store. Test the little one
So, then it falls under education.
Loop hole baby.
How a cop gonna be all "you can't"???
Now as long as you remember to say "we're doing this in case you get lost (or kidnapped) or get a ride from your friend's parent that i said you could and you can make sure you can tell them how to get home and/or make sure they're going the right ways to get home"
Then for sure a cop can't tell you you can't.
Just in case neighborhood watch don't recognize your car... And calls you in. And you have the little one repeat the lessons to you because you explain it So in case you do get stopped then they know what they are doing in the car with you. And the SMS if the cop check it will also notify "safe distance patrol" which means all you need is verification you live there. Car registration or ID is preferred. That is for a worried cop. What it does actually signal is "having fun let's join in, too" So, when or if you see the cop you can pull over and they can give you tips on being safe if the cop wants interaction currently they probably will not pull over because of social distancing. But all they're doing is saying "SMS notified action in the area. We want you to know if this happens you're safe"
Because home invasions will often use the victims car, if a a person inside is moving around or the cop senses something not,right they will pull over the car to double check. So an ID is the most preferred method and they will visually check all ID of all adult passengers if they choose but it is recommended.
So make sure you're following laws. Kids are buckled and you're going the posted speed limit.
If you're going to your house then back out and over and over.
This case im speaking would look suspicious. So you drive down to the 711 four times so they can memorize and no one gets out and yoh just keep driving that circle
Its how you need to teach the kids but it would look suspiciously to the SMS computer system and for our safety I don't want to override it.
I'd rather a nice cop check and speak to the kids and thank the adults for looking out for the children's safety and for helping them do their jobs.
Usually a cop isn't in protocol to pull over unless its a wreckless danger. So like if I'm a kidnapper I'm a trip out. And either gonna try to get away from the cop or drive super cautious.
So cops may do some Dick moves around you to check you.
So y'all teaching your kids how to get home safe realize the cop is trying to protect you and realize they are in practice mode they may not think so but you know they are. So they may pull you over and so you have already explained to the car what y'all doing. So everyone should be able to explain it back to anyone.
So otherwise just take a nice long drive to the next town and then turn around and just have a nice drive.
Take time to see sights you don't normally see. Or like say you been wanting to go to the zoo but you're unsure of the drive. Well there's no traffic so you can practice driving there so you learn that way to get there easy.
But #StayInTheCar.
I love this girl in the video so much i made a movement after her.
Remember #DriveSober
So staying in the car does mean drive through!
Get you and your babies a treat. So them Quarentine Loop Hole fries are all jacked up and down under the seat until for eternity.
So y'all Just let your family out. Don't keep your beauties locked in because it's safest. Get a little creative.
So babies with some chalk. Or in the backyard playing ...pick up some balls online... Like Oriental Trading company is cheap and i know that you can get a dozen of a variety of different balls. And jump ropes and all kinds of things delivered straight to your house. Chalk, too.
Now you could stay in your little square in the front yard but i would imagine the back yard is more contained. Something with a fence and that is just for safety and not so much about social distancing But just to "stay in the yard" and not deal with nothing bull shit someone bored can come up with.
So I know
.i been waiting... I been i know people are losing their shit.m. I need to see it so I know what to say or do.
So thank you, ma'am for being so public and raw and straight from the soul and heart.
Letting your frustration out so the dark grainy images of my imagination have a voice and a way to be visible to the needs of the world.
Because I'm not realizing what all is going on every where so i need my Soul Warriors letting it out to be known.
My life i go out and my daughter has been trapped in and she don't mind so much but last night finally i could take her to the gas station just for a minute late late night... We both had to wear masks... She was all "I don't want you getting sick" and so i told her "you need to wear one too"
Which i was glad we did because the car we borrowed is leaking antifreeze into the car and it stinks like Hell and a smoker it makes me cough like Hell so the mask actually helped a lot. So i didn't cough with it on. So after this is all over if i borrow his car youre gonna see me wearing a mask just so i came breathe unless i fix my car... And Idk...
So y'all if you're tripping or tense or even if you're not because you're just trying to chill and cope and Don't realize you're building up a bubble of lava
Switch it up a little bit!!! Y'all are all up in there together you know your schedules. Who does what and who dont do what.
Who don't ever leave.
At least open windows. Something. Switch it up.
Y'all essiential workers coming home to dinner made and a clean house... Y'all gonna come to a volcano one day and don't know why
Then you gonna make it worse all what the Hell? What i do?! You wanna go to work?! I'm doing all i can to keep this home together and you act like that?!
And mother fucker honey. You're gonna get stabbed in the throat.
The shit just builds. This is why I didn't like this plan.
It builds on both sides. Believe it or not the ones going out are worried about the ones at home getting sick. And actually about them being cooped in... Some are.
But i know without a doubt they're loving home cooked meals and the family all home and safe and the house all clean
Hello were in the 1950s
So yo let the adults trapped at home drive the car if they are licensed. Let them capture that freedom..sit in the passenger seat and be the host. Sit side way and make sure the back seat is being good. Talk to them. Give them love and attention
Let that adult box herself in to a space filled with love for the family and her have that freedom at the wheel
Because that is what it is. She/he running that home. You need to give her a break stop them kids from going on about auntie and momma and so on and give them the strong love and attention they deserve. "How was your day?" "You looking how to get to the store?" "What is that street name?"
Just let her be quiet and enjoy the ride.
As women that's all we want.
Control. Lol. And love. Attention. Help. Strength. Patience.
And I know men want the same exact thing.
But we need to switch it up. Add some spice to the bland. Or its gonna taste like lava and not lots of lova.
Y'all know i am the Queen of Lava.
And y'all going out. Make sure you're on time!
But take them stuck in the house out.
I prescribe no less than a 30 minute outing. I saw gas here was $1.58 on the interstate for regular. I know places like California and New York are lots more and i know some places are even cheaper. But point. DNA4U says y'all should be able to afford it. Every where it must be less than $3 per gallon for even premium. Right?
So #StayInTheCar and check out some low cost online shopping. They are essiential employees.
And love yourselves even if you turn into a tornado spewing lava hurricane
And if someone around does. Love them
Help them. Add something they need to your routine.
Its not too late to save a life.
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