#when i was revising for exams i'd do the same cycle thing

[selfclaimedcatowner]

It's just so unbearable. Everyday I try to hold it in and go through the day but it seems that time just passes me by. It's almost funny because I'd say that "time passing faster" would mean that the hard days will be over soon but it always seems like I'm stuck in an iterant cycle, experiencing the same pain over and over again, unable to escape my sorrows.

I just want to write my feelings out, and show it to the world. Because, the fear of judgement looms over me, and I don't trust anyone with my vulnerability.

Everything is bad. My appearance, health, financial situation etc.

You name it and I can assure you that it's bad as well

I'll start with my appearance.

I've always been underweight. Throughout my childhood and teen years, I've been made fun of by peers and family for my thin frame. They've always seemed to blame it on my tendency to not eat a lot, which I do. And I've always been insecure about my skinny self. Whether it was wearing short sleeves that would show my thin arms or wearing shorts/dresses that would show my ankles and calves. It really affected me.

I'd often find myself feeling comfortable only while wearing clothes that hide my body, and even though I have the desire to wear more revealing clothes, I can't seem to get out of my shell and do so.

It doesn't really end with my body too. My face is something I've been insecure about ever since I've entered high school.

High school is the place where most people make friends and find love, which is something I've struggled to find no matter how much I've sought.

I'm not an attractive person, and I struggle alot in social situations because I'm shy and fear people's opinions of me.

It really messes with your self esteem when you're the only friend with no boyfriend. When you're the only who's never been on a date before or had the luxury of experiencing teen love. And whenever i try to complain, I get the same comments from my friends.

That I'm "pretty" or I "shouldn't let a man define who I am" and it pisses me off because they're the exact same people who tend to attract guys by simply existing.

And it's not my personality. I've been told that I've had a great one, even by guys I've been interested in. But they'd end up saying that they're not attracted to me because of my appearance.

I wish I could just disappear and exist out of a living form. I don't want to abide by society's beauty standards but that's the only way to find love these days.

My health is also deteriorating.

I'm a high-school student so I often find myself staying up to revise for upcoming exams or sleeping for a few hours because I don't have time to be sleeping.

It really infuriates me, Yk? That I spend my entire time studying and risking my health just to get grades that I'm not satisfied with. I also struggle with procrastinating and my attention span is FRIED so it doesn't really help with getting the grades I want.

My parents have high expectations for me, and I usually struggle to meet them.

Anyway, I've been suffering from toothache for probably the past 4 months and I can't seem to get rid of it no matter what I do.

I floss my teeth and brush them twice a day, and I'm always keeping my hygiene up. But nothing seems to be working.

Also my teeth are misaligned and I have an overbite which really doesn't help with the toothache at all. (It's probably the reason for it, my tooth is aching rn)

Overall, my health Is all over the place and there's nothing I can do about it.

Now to my financial situation.

I've always been a grateful kid because I didn't grow up rich and I've been fully aware of my parents financial situation from a very young age.

But no matter what, I've never been able to get anything I wanted.

I'm not sure if it's the constant "poverty" were living in or the fact that I'm just really unlucky.

My dad has been in debt for probably 2 years now, and it's not because he "gambles" his money away or spends it on useless things. No.

My dad is an immigrant, And has spent his entire life slaving away at a job he absolutely loathes just so he can make a living for himself and his family.

And he's been saving up for almost 20 years to start his business, and guess what? It all goes downhill when a civil war started in my home country and he lost his entire business. The place was stolen and destroyed, and it left him feeling miserable but he still stayed strong for us.

He never complained about our living situation, or the business that he lost. And he always makes sure to make ends meet.

Whether it's paying for our school tuitions, or new clothes that we need, or even basic stuff like water and electricity bills. He never once complained about it.

I'm forever grateful for the love he's shown me and my family, and for providing everything that we need.

I wish that I could earn the money to help out my family.

I also wish to have the things that I've always wanted.

I've always wanted a camera, a vintage one, And an electric guitar because I'm a huge rock fan and would love to cover some of my favorite songs.

But I can't afford these things. Sometimes I can't even afford to go out with my friends.

Whether it's a simple outing or a full blown dinner, I never had the money for it.

Which really isn't a problem, because I don't like going out that much, But i also wanna enjoy my teen years.

I wanna go out and enjoy a boba drink. I wanna go kayaking or camping.

I wanna do alot of things but I don't have the money for it.

And I'm not too ashamed to ask my parents when I'm fully aware of our rough financial situation.

I know they'll never say no to me, but it's too shameful.

I wanna earn my own money but jobs for teens aren't really available where i live which is REALLY shitty.

Anyways, there's countless things that I wanna vent about but they're not really important

Im really sorry for my English (it's not my first language) and thank you for reading this :)

Have a good day/night!