#which i hung about in way too long exactly BECAUSE i knew id isolated myself over the course of it

[butchviking]

actually 2 b honest most of my Emotional Issues rn just boil down 2 im lonely. im literally just lonely.

[ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes]

Blue Eyes Part 17

Summary: After the Garrison is shot up, the youngest Shelby daughter finds a new home in London. She strips herself of her last name and tries to live a peaceful life far away from her brothers’ chaos in Birmingham. But fate leads her right back into it after she runs into Alfie Solomons.

Part 17: After the death of her brother, Ella doesn’t know which way is up anymore. And she receives more shocking news. 

        Alfie let Ada into Ten Watery Lane even though Ella explicitly told him not to let any of her family members in. He probably would’ve turned Tommy away after the fiasco of a funeral, but it didn’t feel right turning Ella’s sister away. And he was sure Ada wouldn’t listen to him.

           “She’s upstairs,” Alfie told her.

           “Did you try talking to her?” Ada removed her coat, letting him take it.

           He nodded and hung the coat up on one of the hooks by the door. “When I got here she locked herself in the room. Won’t open the door for me or nothing. Only told me to keep you lot away.”

           “She’s good at isolating. It’s what Tommy does.” Ada replied. She’d known Ella since she was born. Had seen nearly every temper tantrum the girl pulled. For a while, she was just like the rest of the siblings. A Shelby who was damned good at kicking up a fuss until she was red-faced and screaming profanities that she’d only just learned. But as she matured, she turned to locking herself away to keep out the world. She learned from the best, Tommy, who could effectively block out everything for a good period of time.    

           But despite their brother’s death, Ada wasn’t going to let Ella retreat into herself. They all needed to be on their toes. Their world wasn’t safe anymore.

           “Can I get you anything, Ada?” Alfie asked. He figured one of them had to be civil. And since Ella had taken the aggressive route with her siblings, he had to play the peacemaker. The role was making his skin crawl. He never could’ve imagined being in Small Heath playing nice with all the Shelbys. It was like a bad nightmare. But he didn’t have an issue with Ada, so that was something.

           “No thank you.” She replied and headed upstairs. Halfway up, she could hear someone crying. When she knocked on the door, it quieted a little.

           “Alfie, I’m not hungry. I told you.” Ella spoke, her voice stuffed up from crying.

           “It’s not Alfie,” Ada replied. “Can I come in?”

           There was a moment of silence as Ella considered the question. “I told Alfie not to let anyone in.”

           “Well, I think it’s a good thing he didn’t listen to you. This isn’t what you need right now.”

           Another minute of quiet before there were footsteps and a click of the door unlatching. Ella opened the door and let her older sister inside. Cyril was sprawled out on the floor, his long legs stretched out and Anthea was sleeping on Alfie’s pillow.

           Before she came in, Ada enveloped her in a big hug. “I’m not your enemy.” She whispered. “When have I ever been against you?”

           “When you ratted me out for sneaking out late with Tommy and Arthur,” Ella mumbled into Ada’s blouse.

           Ada laughed softly and stroked her baby sister’s hair back. “Okay, when have I been against you in the last ten years?”

           “Never.”

           “Exactly.” She ushered Ella over to the bed so they could sit. “Nothing about this is ideal.”

           Ella sniffled and curled up into Ada’s side. “It’s all gone to shit.”

           “I know. But there is hope and I think you know that.” Ada murmured softly. “You’re married, that’s something isn’t it?”

           “No one was happy ‘bout it. Arthur’s angry with me. So is Tom. They don’t want me to be fucking happy.”

           “I’m happy about it because I know he makes you happy.” Neither of them could speak on their brothers’ behalf although their reactions were strong. “Give it time and I think they’ll accept it.”

           “They won’t accept him.”

           Ada sighed. “Well, they didn’t accept Freddie at first.” She reminded her. “Just give it time and I promise things will get better.”

           “If we’re not all killed before then,” Ella muttered cynically and withdrew from her sister’s side. She scooped up Anthea and snuggled the puppy close.

           Ada decided it wasn’t in Ella’s best interest to keep harping on the bleak situation they were stuck in. “Where’d you get this little thing?” She wondered.

           “I found her in Margate when Alfie and I were on holiday,” Ella answered. Her fingers grazed over the mark on the pit bull’s head that was nothing but a scar at that point. She wanted to brag about how Alfie had made Anthea’s abuser pay for what he’d done. How he saved the woman who had been abused too. But she didn’t think Ada would understand.

           “What’d you name her then?” Ada picked up the puppy from her sister’s arms.

           “Anthea. I named her after that book you used to read me.”

           Ada smiled. “Five Children and It. Yes, I remember.” Long winter nights when she sat by Ella’s bed. Reading fantastical stories to keep the cold chill at bay. Ella would smile and ask if they could go to Neverland or Wonderland or find the Secret Garden. Ada couldn’t break her free spirit so she said, yes. They would go as soon as they could. It was enough to keep the little girl optimistic even in the slums of Small Heath.

           Now, what could they do to escape when they were caged in? Fairytales weren’t enough anymore.

           “I couldn’t remember all their names. I couldn’t remember the other girl. I remembered Robert and Hilary. I named her that because of Cyril. Cyril was one of the children. The oldest one.” Ella rambled on quietly.

           “Jane,” Ada recalled. “Jane was the younger sister.”

           “That’s right.”

           The sisters went silent. Ada set Anthea down and let her curl up in Ella’s lap again. Her fingers stroked over the pup’s sleek slate-colored fur.

           “El…”

           She sighed and rubbed her eyes. “Ada, please, I don’t want to argue.”

           “No, I’m not here to argue,” Ada replied. “I told you that I’m not against you. I wanted to know what happened. When did you get married?” She hoped that the light conversation would help her sister open up a little bit instead of burrowing further into her shell.

           It appeared to work because a small smile crossed Ella’s pink lips. “He asked me to marry him a few months ago. Said he didn’t want to live another day without me as his wife.” She shrugged sheepishly and glanced down at the wedding ring on her finger. It rested comfortably beside her mother’s ring.

           Ada smiled warmly. “It’s clear how much you love each other.”

           “He’s everything to me.” Ella fiddled with the diamond ring. “I feel like I can truly be myself with him. I just want things to be okay so I can be with him.”

           Ada tucked a piece of Ella’s hair behind her ear. “You will.” She promised softly. There was no certainty anymore but at least they were together again. “Your hair’s gotten so long. Do you want me to cut it?”

           Ella nodded. “Yeah, I didn’t want to do it myself and fuck it up.” She mumbled.

           “Alright, I’ll grab my scissors and we can do that.” Ada stood up and kissed Ella’s forehead. “You should eat something, Alfie’s worried ‘bout you.”

           Ella nodded when she felt her stomach rumble. “Okay.” She smiled and followed Ada out of the room and out of her isolation.

~~~~~~~~~~~

           From then on, things were shaky with her family. Ella relied more on Ada and Polly instead of her brothers. Arthur was still heated about her relationship with Alfie but it was clear he missed his sister terribly. Tommy, on the other hand, was too caught up in his responsibilities to fix anything. They needed to get along by necessity. Small Heath was well…small. They couldn’t avoid each other at all, instead, they had to be cordial.

           As John’s death sunk in, the Shelby siblings began to realize the implications of holding their grudges. There was no telling if something else would happen to one of them. None of them wanted their last words to be ones of anger. So they slowly began to lower their defenses around each other.

           Ella bit her tongue and did her best to smile more instead of kicking off. It worked in her favor and they managed to keep the peace even as the Golds infiltrated their lives and their territory.

           “Snuck you in some chocolate.” Ella entered the hospital room where her cousin had been healing. She shooed away the Blinders standing on guard by the door. “The good stuff, from Switzerland.” She pulled the bar of chocolate out of her purse. “I know where your mum keeps it.”

           Michael smiled. He still appeared weak although he was in much better condition than the day before. “Happen to sneak in some gin too?” He joked half-heartedly.

           “Next time.” She winked and went to open the shades a little more.

           “My mum with you?” Michael began to peel open the wrapper of the candy. It was the first time he didn’t feel nauseous while looking at food.

           “She’s on her way. We took different cars because I need to be somewhere else after this.” Ella explained and wandered over to the table that had a few bouquets of flowers. She cleaned up a few fallen petals and leaves, tossing them in the bin.

           He eyed her with a raised eyebrow as she cleaned up. “Who are you and what have you done with my cousin?”

           Ella stuck her tongue out at him. “Sorry I don’t like living in a pigsty like you apparently do.” She retorted playfully.

           “No, I just didn’t think you’d be all…wifey.”

           She involuntarily flinched at the word. After the strong reaction from her family, she didn’t really want to bring it up again. Best they all just ignored it until they could all go their separate ways. Her bitter side wanted to shove it right in their face. Tell them all how much she loved Alfie and how well he treated her. But it would only stir the pot. Bite her tongue, that’s all she could do anymore. “Tommy told you?”

           “My mum did.” He shrugged but the movement made him wince. “Feel like the world’s gotten all shaken up.” He mumbled. They all knew she’d been living in Camden for quite some time with the Jewish gangster but they didn’t expect marriage without some warning.

           She stopped tidying up and chewed on her lip. “I know but things will work out and we can all go back to normal. I suppose we just have to listen to Tommy.” The idea gave her a sour taste in her mouth.

           “Your normal is back to Camden?” Michael’s tone was a little accusatory but she paid him no mind. It wasn’t Ella’s decision whether her cousin continued to blindly follow Tommy.

           “I’ll be returning to my life with my husband, yes.” She said in a clipped tone. Sometimes her cousin was too much like her brother. It was strange how time with the Peaky Blinders had changed him so much.

           The doors to the hospital room opened and Polly interrupted the curt conversation between cousins. She went to sit beside her son’s hospital’s bed. “How are you?” She murmured softly and smoothed his hair back.

           “Well, he’s talking, that’s for sure,” Ella muttered and passed by her aunt.

           Polly frowned when she appeared to notice something startling. “C’mere.”

           “What?”

           “Come here.” She insisted again with an irritated glare and beckoned her over insistently. “Did you forget that I don’t like to repeat myself?”  

           Ella sighed and walked over to the older woman. “What?” She asked again. Without warning, Polly cupped her left breast. Ella jumped and tried to bat her hand away. “Oi! I don’t go ‘round grabbing your tits without fucking asking!”

           She let go after a moment but only to do the sign of the cross. “Lord help me, you’re pregnant.”

           Michael nearly began to choke on the piece of chocolate he’d bitten off. “Fucking what?” He wheezed.

           Ella froze and stared blankly at her aunt. “No…”

           Never liking her intelligence second-guessed, Polly raised an eyebrow. “When’s the last time you bled?”

           “Could you have this conversation elsewhere?” Michael pled. If he wasn’t being held together by stitches then he certainly would’ve gotten up and left.

           “Hush.” His mother scolded him. “Ella Laura Shelby, you answer me this instant.”

           “Ella Solomons not Shelby.” She mumbled defiantly. “And I don’t remember. I left my diary in London. Didn’t have a chance to take it with me.”

           “Well, you’ll be having twins then.” Polly dug into her purse for a cigarette. “Boy and a girl.”

           Ella let out a hysterical little laugh and fell into a chair, a hand over her forehead in disbelief. “Fuck off! You said Frances Lee was going to have twins and she just had one.”

           “She had Irish twins.” Polly rolled her eyes. “I was fucking close enough.”

           “I’m not pregnant.”

           “Do we even have other twins in the family? Isn’t it a genetic thing?” Michael wondered. If he had to be in the room for the conversation, he was going to listen.

           “No, must be from Alfie’s side.” Polly shrugged. “Can’t recall having any twins in the immediate family. Maybe some distant cousins but none very close.”

           “I’m not pregnant!”

           “Tommy’ll have a fit,” Michael remarked, ignoring his cousin’s interjections just as much as his mother was.

           “He’ll be fine.” Polly brushed off the concern. “I think he’s got other things to be concerned about. Maybe children will settle some of the dust.”

           “I’m not fucking pregnant!” Ella snapped and stood up. “And you two better not go running ‘round blabbing that I am. This conversation doesn’t fucking leave this room.” She jabbed a finger at both of them. “It ends here and now because, and fuck me if I have to repeat myself again, I’m. Not. Pregnant.”

           Polly looked vaguely amused as she smoked. “Fine, just don’t come whining to me when you’ve gone into labor. I’ll deliver the babies but only after you’ve apologized.”          

           Her niece let out a frustrated noise and stormed out of the hospital room.

~~~~~~~~~~~

         Alfie was not fond of Small Heath. There were plenty of reasons why but the one that stuck out the most, aside from the persistent smell of coal, was how small it felt. Not to mention it wasn’t the place he wanted to spend the first year married. Ella, in his opinion, deserved much more. After consulting with Tommy about what in the hell he planned to do, Alfie returned back to Watery Lane.

           Ella was sitting by a gramophone. No music played, she was holding two records in either hand, her eyes flicking back and forth between them. It appeared she was trying to decide what to play, but Alfie could see she was wrestling with something much bigger.

           “How you doing, love?” He slipped off his hat and coat. “Thinking ‘bout your brother?”

           She didn’t look up from the records. Simply a soft hum answered him.

           “Right, well…these things take time. Jews, yeah, we have a particularly long mourning period.” He lowered himself down on the sofa beside her. Cyril came trotting over to place his head in Alfie’s lap. “Thirty days at least. Then for parents, it’s a full fucking year.” She didn’t say anything in response, simply made another noise of acknowledgment. Her eyes were gazing out into space, staring at the songs listed on the record. “Me mum died when I was in the war. Sorta when I started to grow me beard. Not supposed to shave or anything for that time. Just so happened it covered up my scar.” He chuckled weakly and rubbed the back of his neck.

           “Your mum…” Ella finally spoke.

           He glanced at her. “Yeah…what about her?”

           Her eyes snapped up from the record, fixing instead on the wall across from them. “Did you have any twins in your family?”

           It seemed like a sharp detour from the conversation Alfie was having with himself. And such a strange question. He blinked and gathered his surprise. “Erm…yeah.” He said. “Me mum had twin sisters. One died in Russia while they were tryna escape.”

           Ella’s breathing became shallower and the room spun. Polly was right. She had to be, when was her aunt ever wrong? Dark spots danced in her sight and Ella swayed to the side.

           “El, what on Earth has gotten into you? You’ve gone pale!” Alfie touched the back of his hand to her forehead to see if she was running a fever. “Love, talk to me.” He coaxed.

           “I uh-” It was as if the words were lodged in Ella’s throat. She couldn’t even fathom getting them out. Letting them sit in the open air between them. “I think you need to call my aunt.” She whispered.

           “Polly? Why?” His worry peaked. It wasn’t the time to brush off concern. Something had clearly spooked his wife. Had the Italians gotten to her? Had they sent her a message while he was absent?

           “Just, please call her.”

           His brow furrowed but he stood and went straight to the phone to dial Polly’s number.

           “Gray residence.”

           “D’you know why me wife’s gone catatonic?” Alfie asked gruffly.

           “And hello to you, Alfie.” Polly didn’t sound at all worried. Of course, she knew her niece was stunned. She’d gotten some very stunning news that she was no doubt still trying to deny.

           “Do you know or not?”

           “She’s asked you to break the news?”

           Alfie threw his hand up. The way Shelbys were so vague sometimes made him want to scream. He much preferred it when people were blunt. “What news!?”

           Polly assumed that Ella had granted her permission. That or she couldn’t say it out loud without throwing up. “She’s pregnant.”

           He felt a massive shockwave tremor from the Earth. His jaw fell and a hand lifted to his mouth. It felt like hours until he heard Polly speak again. For a long while, it felt like the rest of the world had fallen away.

           “Did you fall over?”

           “No.” The word slipped out without volition. It didn't even feel like he was the one speaking.  

           “Talk to her. I’m sure you’re both a bit scared. But it is a wonderful thing. A gift to a marriage.” Polly’s voice was soft. It would be something to have a new life brought into the family after such a devastating loss.

           “Yeah…right…okay.” He mumbled and slowly hung up the phone. Dazed, he wandered back into the parlor.

           Ella was still waiting on the couch, her eyes wide with apprehension. It was obvious that Polly had broken the news but she was still hellbent on denying it. “I’m not pregnant.” She whispered.

           Alfie couldn’t help the scoff of disbelief. “Then why’d Polly tell me you fucking were?”

           Immediately, tears began to form in her eyes. She crumpled into herself, tucking her knees up to her chest.

           He sighed and walked over to her. “I’m sorry. I just…I was caught off guard.” His voice softened and he gathered her into his arms.

           “I’m not…she’s wrong.”

           Alfie wanted to tread carefully. The last thing he wanted was to make her feel worse or make her think he was angry with her. She buried her face into his chest and cried softly. “Love…” He sighed away some stress and held her close. “You sure ‘bout that?”

           She sniffled and shrugged.

           He puffed out his cheeks before exhaling heavily. “If you are…ain’t saying you are. But if you are, I think that’d be all right. Don’t you think?” If anything, he felt a little daft for never discussing the idea of children with his wife. He had thought about it, what husband hadn’t? Had noticed Ella’s gaze lingering at the prams that passed by on the street. Saw how well she handled her friend’s children when she watched after them. He was also well aware that the Shelbys typically had larger families. It was uncannily Jewish. Get married and see how many kids you could pop out before you dried up and hoped that at least one of them would be grateful enough to care for you in your elderly years.

           But perhaps it was the secretive way they’d wed. A brief ceremony at the council. Afterward, they held a dinner with friends and family who rejoiced over the news but were disappointed they’d been robbed of a large Jewish wedding. Most of them assumed that when it came to the unlikely couple’s marriage, Ella would convert. That way the wedding could be legal and Godly. Plus it would allow their future children to be raised in a fully Jewish household.

           And yet, maybe they should’ve considered how unorthodox the whole thing was. It seemed Alfie and Ella couldn’t have cared less whether or not they’d be accepted by anyone. Not even God.

           “Alfie this is the worst possible time for me to be pregnant.” Ella reminded him. “If you forgot, we’re being hunted.”

           “I mean…” He ran a hand over his eyes and stifled a groan. “Did you not want kids? Know we never discussed it…sorta just figured.”

           Ella let her head fall backward. “I dunno I can’t even think straight right now.”

           “El, look at me.” Alfie guided her eyes to him. “This is gonna be alright. I want a family with you. And this stuff with the Italians, it ain’t gonna ruin us.”

           She dabbed at her eyes with her sleeve. “I’m just scared.”

           It wasn’t fair to lie to her, he knew that. She was in a fragile state and the last thing she needed was false hope. But she’d been hit with such a streak of bad luck, as had the rest of the Shelby family. And Alfie hoped that maybe this one glimmer of good news would change things. Make her see that there was some good in the world. Make her smile again like she used to in Camden. He would see them through this, that’s all he could do. But it killed him inside to see her so bitter and angry. So much so that she couldn’t even be happy about the news of her own pregnancy.

           “I’m scared too, love.” Alfie murmured and stroked her hair back. “Fucking scared to have two newborns at the same time. D’you think they’ll be nice to us and stay on the same schedule?”

           She furrowed her brow. “What?”

           The corner of his lips tugged into a smile. “I mean, we’re absolutely fucked if they got our stubbornness. One’ll wanna go to bed and the other’ll be up screaming all night.”

           Ella couldn’t help but picture the scene. Alfie trying to lull a baby who was in full temper tantrum mode. Maybe he’d be singing softly, or rocking the babe back and forth. Maybe Anthea and Cyril would pitch in and start howling. Perhaps the other twin was fast asleep in the crib. Or maybe both babies were wide awake and crying. One in each of Alfie’s arms.

           “Guess we’ll hafta take shifts then.” Alfie sighed. “’Course it’ll be worth it. Won’t it? Having two little ‘uns with your blue eyes.”      

           Finally, his wife began to smile. “I suppose.”

           “Figure we can get a good routine going. Kids like routines? Like Cyril does? I have no fucking clue.”

           “Maybe. I’m not sure.”

           He chuckled and ran a hand through his hair. The realization that he would be a father soon was still setting in. “Maybe they’ll be easy, won’t cry too much. I mean, s’alright if they do. But it’d be nice to have an uninterrupted sleep schedule.”

           Ella couldn’t help but laugh. “You think two kids with Shelby and Solomons traits are going to be perfect angels?” She asked with a raised eyebrow. “I’ll have you know, each and every one of us were absolute terrors. Just ask Pol.”

           “Shit.” He faked a grimace. “Well…too late I s’pose. Will hafta make with what we’ve got.”

           She sighed and cuddled close to him. “You’re something else, Mr. Solomons.” She murmured.

           “Well, you married me, Mrs. Solomons. So you must like that ‘something else’.” He replied cheekily.

           “I like you alright.” Ella kissed his cheek and rested against his shoulder. “I guess I’ve got to tell everyone before Polly and Michael let it slip.” She mumbled begrudgingly.

           “If they have a fucking issue with it, then they can speak with me.” Alfie responded protectively. “Ain’t nothing wrong with a husband and wife starting a family together.”

           He made it sound so simple. As if there wasn’t a war raging around them. They were simply a man and a woman planning for the arrival of twins. It comforted Ella for just a moment. But she couldn’t forget where they were or what they were up against.

~~~~~~~~~~~

           Tommy let his head fall to the desk not caring when his forehead hitting the wood surface. Pregnant. His baby sister was bloody pregnant with Alfie Solomons. No matter what he did, he couldn’t catch a break. Surely God was punishing him for his long line of sin.

Fine. That was fine.

           Ella stood in front of the desk; her arms crossed over her chest. Alfie stood beside her; a bit on edge. Either Tommy took it well, or the Shelby man took it poorly and jumped over the desk to strangle Alfie.

           “Can I get one fucking moment of peace from you two?” Tommy demanded, lifting his head. His eyes flicking from his sister to his, for Christ’s sake, brother-in-law.

           Ella pulled a face. “Oh, I’m sorry, everyone else in this family is allowed to have as many fucking kids as they want, but I can’t? Even though I’m happily married.”

           The word made her brother cringe. It would admittedly take some getting used to. “That’s not what I fucking meant,” Tommy grumbled and rubbed his eyes. “Who else knows?” He asked.

           “Polly and Michael,” Alfie answered. “Haven’t told anyone else.”

           “Keep it that way.” Tommy asserted firmly. “That’s all who needs to know right now. Me, Polly, and Michael. Don’t go talking about it to everyone in Birmingham.” He looked pointedly at his sister. “We don’t need this news getting out. After this is settled, you can go tell everyone who’ll listen.”

           “Oh, well, thank fucking God for your permission, Thomas,” Ella replied sharply. “I don’t see why it’s such an issue that our family knows.”

           “I agree with Tommy,” Alfie spoke up. “Best it’s kept quiet until we can trust the people ‘round us.”

           His wife looked annoyed that he’d agreed with Tommy but relented. “Fine. No one else will know.”

           “Good.” Tommy found it odd that Alfie was helping him win battles with his sister. Odd, but slightly gratifying. At least the two weren’t teaming up against him. He pointed his cigarette at Alfie. “I’ve heard your nephew fights in the ring.”

           “Goliath? Yeah, fucking Southern County’s Welterweight champion. Fucking animal, that lad is. Ain’t got no soul.” Alfie nodded. “Why’d you ask?”

           “Think I’ve got a worthy opponent for him.”

           Ella narrowed her eyes. “You’re talking about having a boxing match? Now of all times? What, so I can’t tell people I’m fucking pregnant but you can have some show?”

           “We’re not hiding in tunnels, Eloise,” Tommy replied. The migraine that had been plaguing him all morning was really starting to do a number on him.

           Ella rested her hands on the desk and leaned towards her brother. “What the fuck did you just call me?” She hissed.

           “Your name.” Tommy retorted deadpan.

           Alfie frowned. “Hang on, is Ella short for Eloise?” He looked puzzled.

           “No, it’s the name of our bastard father’s mother. And I do not go by it. Ever.” She glared at Tommy. “Are you trying to get a rise outta me, Thomas?”

           “You’re pregnant, El, not good to get all worked up.”

           “Men.” She spat and grit her teeth. “Fucking Shelby men who think their world is theirs to own. Think they can get away with fucking anything.” She threw her hands up and stalked out of the room, deciding it wasn’t worth a screaming match.

           Alfie went to follow her but paused. “So, I’m to assume that if I ever called her Eloise, I’d get me cock chopped off.”

           “Only if she’s got a knife in her hand, Alfie.”

            “Right, got it.” He gave a curt nod before leaving the office.

Permanent Tag: @papa-geralt-of-cirilla @giftofdreams @biba3434 @kimmietea @karmezii

Tag list: @deaflikehawkeye @octaviareina @mylovelykelsifer

Masterpost

Masterlist 

[runearcana]

Reasons I am Terezi:

My soon to be deadname sounds like Terezi.

I have an absurdly long tongue. 

I look and dress like Terezi. [my hair ends up short, and when I straighten it, it always has a curve at the ends like hers. Ive always thought I look like a female version of Karkat and even tried to be more like him.] I primarily wear black t-shirts with nerdy images.

I love mysteries, solving them, and have a knack for knowing the law on an intuitive level.

I had a best fuckin friend forever that I did everything with. We called ourselves the Greythorne Sisters. I was Wither and she was Malice. [telling much?]

When I broke up with her, I.. used my very strong foresight and saw that there would be issues if we stayed friends. Karkat also encouraged me to do it and was outside when I went through with it. After I told her, she literally crumpled, and I hugged her one last time. She didnt expect it at all. ._.

I went insane with regret and self-hatred afterwards.

My ultimate crush looked, acted, and spoke [yelled] EXACTLY like Karkat.

The reason I got into Homestuck was because I was incredibly shocked at how his likeness was captured in the fan art, and even the official art. EVERYTHING is the same except he has grey-blue eyes, caucasion skin color, lacks horns. Everything else is the same. He sounds most like a more masculine version of Broadway Karkat. Very wicked and masculine voice. Extremely intimidating guy despite his size. [hes not short, just shorter than youd expect someone with a cocky personality like his.]

Karkat even called us the Scourge Sisters. 

He hated Vriska. He was jealous of her as well, as anyone interested in me would have been.

I loved Karkat, more than anyone except Vriska, but my self-esteem was too low to believe he legitimately cared about me. On some level I knew he cared about me, but I was too BLIND to see it.

I didnt know I loved Vriska more than Karkat until I had already lost her. v.v

Vriska and I had a serious BDSM relationship [kismesis] after being moirails a very long time. We should have stayed moiraills. :[ It was really my fault that she acted the way she acted.

I am an empath and I can legitimately taste peoples energies. 

I may as well be blind because my eyesight is useless to me without glasses.

My favorite color isnt red, its TEAL, but I have a crazy fetish for fiery guys.

Libra ascendant, which is funny because A. your ascendant was your sign in a previous life, and B. its the realm of your PERSONALITY. [Sun is about your life path and moon is about emotions. :P]

I am creepy and cute [or was when I identified as female]. I love scaring the shit out of people. >:]

I like 1337, but I refuse to type that way all the time even though quirks are awesome conceptually. I mean if I could program the computer to remember my quirk, itd be different, but that isnt a thing yet. Itd definitely spice the internet up much more. :]

I still play with plushies and whatevers at hand and draw with chalk.

I adore dragons and see myself as one because I was born in the year of the dragon. :P

I like to cosplay, and wear capes pretty often. 

Dave is someone I cared about a great deal. He had a crush on me, but I saw him as a brother. Dirk is a total piece of shit and hurt Dave and Karkat and its why they have so much in common. He IS Daves bro. Dave sort of sticks up for him and Dirk has clueless followers. 

Gamzee was a best friend of mine like Dave and we technically had a kismisitude relationship. Gamzee told me Karkat was his best friend but I didnt know it was mutual. He was very upset that Gamzee and I were kinda together.

One night I was sitting at the end of Vriskas bed, thinking she was asleep, and trying not to wake her up with blowing my nose. She was awake and spooked and said she thought I was cackling like a maniac at the end of the bed like a creep. I thought it was pretty much a good assessment.

Another time she told me that while I was asleep, she saw an *evil* me with a sharp toothed grin and grey skin. It didnt seem improbable to me.

John is my biological brother. Hes a Virgo sun, and hes a nerd. :] Hes the only person beside my dad and aunt I talk to. [lots of friends I have, lol.]

Rose is a c*nt but I was fascinated with her for some reason. Rose hates Homestuck because of the fanbase. [lolll]

Kanaya is her sister, not gf/wife. Shes cool, and a reasonable person and was a friend, but we didnt talk much. I dont know why really.. x.x

Aradia was my best friend before Vriska. She and Sollux are married. I had a crush on her hsband and it was awkward.

Equius is an ex. Longest relationship Ive been in was with him.

Eridan is as much of a insufferable asshat as he is in the series, but not good looking in the slightest. He can be.. surprisingly insightful at times. None of us like him, even us INFPs. [Dave and I.]

I see Aranea as my mother. Talks non-stop, ruins lives.. but I used to look up to her.

Calliope was a fellow dragon lover friend that Dave introduced me to. Her handle was Celestial Serpent and she is even more asexual than I am. :]

My friends saw my and Karkats connection as being more like Karkats and Nepetas. He treated me like I was autistic and mostly ignored me. Probably until I confessed to him, and then after I went crazy because I had lost Vriska, and hoped that I could rely on him to be there for me. but despite all that bravado cockiness of his, hes a total wimp. ._.] Karkat and I had a ridiculously brief unspoken relationship that was only through telepathic communication and I got beyond frustrated and kissed a woman, and it was over like that. No one knows about this but us. Its another thing that I have ruminated on and hated myself for and deeply regretted.

I envy gamer girls who are actually good at games and wish I could be more confident and popular. v.v; [Latula]

I had a character on Gaiaonline with the Chucku Norisu scarf and the winged staff item and people drew freebie art of it for me, and when I looked at my pictures after learning about Homestuck it was pretty crazy.

Vriska [best artist I know] drew a character that looked a lot like Terezi that I had liked a lot.

I was very isolated when I was young. Neglected by my parents for the most part and felt too different from other humans. I always wanted a tree house and bulit my own club house that I hung out in as a kid.

My friends pretty much unfairly looked down on and even despised Vriska except Gamzee.

I love the taste and sight of blood. [Im a sadist.]

Dave made a proposition that he, me and Karkat be in a poly relationship and I turned it down. [I did not want to share Karkles with ANYONE. I know in the comic Dave actually disliked the idea, but the poly thing came up with the three of us. I dont know if Karkat was cool with it or not because he always used Dave as our go-between, but if Dave made the offer it must have been Karkat approved. Asshole. -.-]

Karkat and Dave live together and are more than likely morails. Karkat isnt attracted to Dave, but Dave has said he is attracted to Karkat.

I had a dragon umbrella that looked like a cane that I loved a lot.

Karkat is pretty much the unofficial group leader, or at least he was in my opinion. I could see Sollux saying Id make a better leader, though, because Im more clear-headed and calm about things and people from that group respected me [more than I was aware of].

We are all connected somehow.. but the main group consisted of Dave, Gamzee, Rose, Kanaya, me [Terezi], Karkat, and a few people I didnt see as characters from Homestuck. Vriska was not allowed to hang out with us at first. When she finally got her freedom [with my help] she wouldnt hang with the group, and they saw her as taking me away from them. They thought she treated me poorly, but she really didnt. -.- [Vriska did nothing wrong, theyre all just jerks.]

I dont hang out or talk to any of them anymore except John. Im always finding myself reminiscing and I really just wish I could forget I ever met them so I could start over fresh.

I have a spirit guide that is a DRAGON and teaches me anything Id like to know, especially in esoteric matters. His name is Shadowfall Ryu. Ryu is Japanese for Dragon. [lusus] and I agonize that I dont know him irl. Everyone knows about him. I have drawn so much art of him and talked about him so much. He is my ideal self. [i know the lusus in the comics is female, but whatever. Its still interesting.]

I collect dragon stuff, including plushies. I still play with them and wish others would play with me.

List goes on and on.

I cant make this stuff up.

[studylizziee]

Starting University

Having started uni last year, I can really relate to the anxieties/fears that people have towards the start of September. So I decided to make this post which is a compilation of tips and advice I’ve accumulated over my first year of university. I hope it’s helpful :)

What to bring

it’s a difficult thing to strike the right balance between bringing too much and too little, but my advice is to err on the side of too little, as you can always buy things you’ve missed once you arrive (the only exception imo being decorations for your room from home)

a doorstop is a must! when you’re moving in my literal number 1 tip is to have your door propped open virtually at all times - it makes such a difference because then people will just stop to have a chat, or wave and say hi as they go past, and it just sends a friendly vibe

things that will personalise your room and make it feel like your space. This was one of the biggest things that combated my homesickness, because I created a sort of safe space for myself. So for me this was cosy lighting with lots of lamps (I brought 2 in addition to the one my uni provided) and fairy lights, posters on the walls, books on the shelf, pictures of my friends, cushions and blankets, and lots of cute mugs 

in that vein, get some command strip hooks that you can stick onto the wall - I used small ones to put my fairy lights up and larger ones to hang my jackets on 

for posters and pictures for the wall, I used blu tack

keep the storage boxes that you use to move all your stuff in with (I put shoes in one, misc stuff in another), and drawer dividers are a really handy buy too (I used them to separate my underwear)

don’t forget important documents/ID like your passport and driving license. There’s usually quite a lot of admin when you first arrive so it’s important to have these kept safely with you

if you drink, bring some alcohol and a mixer you like for pres

a bumbag for nights out is pretty essential - it’ll keep your phone, ID, keys and money safe, as they’re difficult to steal from and far more secure than your pockets!

make sure you have a medicines bag stocked with paracetamol, plasters, antiseptic cream etc, because the last thing you want when you feel sick for the first time at uni is to have to go out and buy medicines

I brought earplugs because I like quiet when I’m trying to fall asleep, and halls of residence are not exactly known for that.. also, walls are thin

there are nowhere near enough coat hangers provided, so bring some from home

I also 100% recommend taking a bike to uni! I cycle everywhere around campus because it’s faster and good exercise, and I also sometimes cycle into town rather than getting the bus (& if you bring a bike, bring a helmet, front and back bike lights, and a D-lock! They’re worth investing in I promise)

lastly, I recommend that the first thing you do when moving in is to do a big food shop! I arrived on a Friday night and planned for my parents to take me food shopping on the Saturday, but I forgot I needed something to eat for dinner on Friday and ended up having a freebie pot noodle that was in my room...

What not to bring

shared items like a kettle, toaster, toastie maker, blender etc (until you’ve communicated with your flatmates)

before I came to uni, in august I think, a few of my flatmates and I made a group chat on facebook (unis normally make a fb page with your halls of residence and you can find your flatmates from there), and sorted out who’d bring shared items. It was really helpful because the last thing you want is 5 kettles taking up loads of space in the kitchen! 

if you’re not able to/don’t want to message your flatmates before arriving at uni, I still wouldn’t bring these items as you can buy them once you’re there if no one else has them (which is pretty unlikely)

a bin and desk chair - they’re provided

too many clothes/shoes: I know it feels like you’re going away for a really long time but try to think realistically about how many things you’ll actually wear. Instead focus on making sure you have lots of layers, and clothes for all weather possibilities

an iron - I literally never ironed once while at uni - and yes, that’s as a person whose course requires me to go on placements and look formal fairly regularly 

unless you’re an avid baker I wouldn’t bring baking equipment like scales/mixing bowl etc. I only had a measuring jug and a roasting tin, which was enough to make cookies ;)

Freshers

Ah, freshers. The most over-hyped week(s) in existence. As an introvert, it was an exhausting period of time for me. Although I had fun meeting people and at the events I went to, it left me drained, and I also felt pretty anxious a lot of the time, especially during the first week. To be honest, I didn’t enjoy the whole freshers experience because it was, frankly, pretty overwhelming. Just remember that freshers is not at all representative of the rest of your uni experience, and it’s okay if you don’t love it.

Meeting people/making friends

I was equally excited and nervous when I moved in, and I was particularly worried, as most people are, about making friends. The first thing to say is that everyone’s in the same boat. Everyone is anxious to be sociable and make friends, especially during freshers, so make the most of this time to start conversations and get chatting with people. Although don’t feel you need to make long-lasting friendships during freshers - often people find that their uni friends aren’t the people that they hung out with in freshers.

Don’t feel pressured to go to loads of parties/nights out if it’s not your scene; there are other ways of meeting people, the biggest one being societies. My biggest regret from first year is that I didn’t try enough societies - I did choir and went to one netball training session (rip) because I thought I didn’t have time for anything else. I wish I’d taken up more opportunities and tried more things, because it’s such a great way of meeting like-minded people (and people from other courses)! 

When to leave your parents

This is a difficult one, and I know this was one of the things causing me the most anxiety. I’d read somewhere that you should just say bye to your parents when they drop you off and get on with it, because you have to grow up now. The truth is, everyone is different and needs a different amount of time in order to say goodbye. For me, my parents helped me move in on the Friday, and stayed the night at a hotel while I went on my first night of freshers, a pub crawl. The next day they helped me with my food shop/buying other things I needed before they left in the afternoon. I know both people who spent the whole first weekend with their parents, not coming to any freshers events, and people who said goodbye the minute they walked into their flat. Neither choice is right or wrong - just think about what’s best for you. I knew I needed a bit more time but simultaneously wanted to be part of the big first night, and I found a happy compromise for me.

Dealing with homesickness

I was really homesick for, I’d say, the first 2 weeks. One of my big mistakes was that my dad came up a week after I’d moved in to bring my bike (don’t regret that bit, my bike is great), and it was actually more difficult saying bye that time around. It was wayy too soon. My advice is:

give it a bit of time before you see your family

facetime/call home regularly to start off with, and over time it will naturally become less often. For the first week, I facetimed my parents every night, and after that it was every 2-3 days, and by the end it was every one or two weeks

get busy! the absolute worst thing you can do is isolate yourself in your room doing nothing, because it gives you too much time to overthink. Especially for the first few weeks, keep yourself busy and take advantage of all the events on offer

Things to make sure you do during the first week or so:

Even though freshers is super busy, it’s important to make time to do some bits of admin

Register at your university’s GP/health centre

Find out where the student support service is/the telephone number you can reach them on

Get a phone number for maintenance of halls because you never know when something might go wrong (on literally my first night the shower didn’t work)

Find the library, cheapest food shop, launderette, and explore campus

The academic jump

The jump from school to university can be quite a considerable one. It’s not only harder content, but also a different way of learning from what you’re used to in school, with much more reliance on independent study. Don’t worry too much about the first term, because that tends to be a sort of re-cap where they bring everyone onto the same page. Use that time when the content is not as difficult to 1) have fun and do lots of non-academic things, and 2) attempt to develop your style of learning. People underestimate sometimes the fact that you have to learn how to learn. So try different things and see what works for you, so that by the time you start the ‘real work’ you’ll be a bit more prepared. Tips:

have a system - by second term I decided that my system was to make a summary, somewhat condensed document of notes for each week, which I filed in folders for each module. This works for my course, but what the system is doesn’t matter - the most important thing is to have a tangible goal of independent work (usually notes) that you want to achieve 

keep on top of things - I was sooo bad at this in first year, and have resolved to change things next year... I would do my set work for the week, but I didn’t do my weekly summary notes until the end of term and it was a mad rush. It would have saved me so much pain to do it as I went along

pay attention to feedback and learn from your mistakes

lecturers are an amazing resource and they love their subject, so if you have a question ask them! (either in person after a lecture/seminar or if that’s too much send an email)

make friends with your coursemates - you’re all in it together and it’s amazing how much you can learn from each other

BACK YOUR WORK UP! it doesn’t matter if it’s an external hard drive, dropbox or google drive as long as it’s somewhere! 

Cooking/Food

bring recipes or a cookbook - these are pretty essential for when you’ve run out of ideas (or if you haven’t done much cooking before!). My friend got me ‘The Hungry Student Vegetarian Cookbook’ which was great, as is ‘The Green Roasting Tin’. I especially loved the concept of the latter because it’s so simple - put everything in a roasting tin and bang it in the oven

cook in bulk! this is my number 1 tip. Put whatever you don’t eat in tupperware containers and freeze it - then, as my flatmate said, you have prepared your very own ready meals

most people have heard of the ‘fresher five’ (5kg put on in first year), but this can so be avoided by making sure you have your 5 a day, not having takeaways too often, and not overdoing it with alcohol

as I said, don’t get takeaways too often - it’s tempting, I know, but they’re mega expensive so you’re better off saving it either for when they’ve got a really good deal on, or as a special treat

consider eating less meat - any meat of a good quality is far more expensive than vegetables are! I’m vegetarian and slowly becoming more plant-based as I cut out dairy, and among its other benefits it’s so much cheaper

making meal plans can be really useful - you don’t have to have an elaborate chart, but when you do your weekly food shop, plan what you’re going to eat during the week. This also helps reduce your food waste

freeze your bread! I got this tip from @muststudy, who has a great post on cooking tips linked below, but this is such a good idea to stop your loaf going mouldy before you can eat it

cook with your flatmates/friends - around dinnertime was by far the most social time in my flat, as we all congregated in the kitchen to cook and have a chat. If you have similar tastes to a flatmate, consider shared cooking! My friend and I virtually took it in turns to cook for each other, or we’d cook a shared meal together, and it made what can become a chore a fun thing to do

General

There can be a pressure for uni to be ‘the best years of your life’, and to be having a great time 24/7. It might be like that for you, but don’t worry if it’s not - it’s perfectly normal to feel sad or lonely at times. I definitely did. If you feel that way, reach out to people and don’t keep things bottled up. Try to make the most of opportunities, and enjoy this exciting and novel period of time in your life :)

Useful posts / websites:

Budgeting: how to manage your money at university by The Complete University Guide

Cooking: essential cooking tips for uni students by @muststudy 

tips for starting university by @quilavastudy 

tips for freshers week by @dxmedstudent 

What to bring to university checklists: one, two, three