#which is interesting bc thats a conscious choice right

[handweavers]

always love bringing up that i grew up speaking manglish at home with my dad and his side of the family even when we moved to canada but our version of manglish also mixes in a lot of punjabi words of course, and no one told me what words were punjabi vs malay vs canto vs tamil etc and there were a lot of punjabi kids at school whose families directly emigrated from the pindh to canada and they'd always be speaking punjabi with each other and i'd try talking with them but i didn't realize that the language my punjabi family spoke at home was not the same one they speak so they'd look at me like i grew a second head cause i was trying to communicate with them in manglish like a dumbass. so eventually i stopped trying because it was obvious there was something different between us (on top of me being mixed) so i spent more time with the south/west indian and chinese kids cause when i knew bits of tamil or cantonese they thought it was cool whereas my failure to speak real punjabi was just embarrassing with the other punjabi kids sjebdjsjdjsnd

[wiltkingart]

Do you have any advice on how 2 not overwork a drawing? Over-detailing my art (to the detriment of the final result) is a big weakness of mine, and ive been working on it lately, but simplifying my art is way harder than I thought itd be. I keep getting stuck in a mentality that less detail = less effort, even though all my struggling should prove that isnt true lol. & I almost always like my simpler drawings better, even though that makes me feel kinda lazy…as long as it’s fun tho, right? [1/2]

I’m asking here bc one of the things I adore about your work is how confident and striking your paintings feel. I really admire the way colors and shape language interact in your art…I always want to keep looking to see what I can find hidden in the details, but they don’t take away from the main focus of the image. How do you manage to strike that balance? [2/2] (sorry for the long question lol)

honestly this is still something i struggle with at times! but some things that have helped me are:

- identifying which parts i tend to overwork the most. for me thats faces so i have made it a conscious habit to render faces last. that way i can match my level of face rendering to the rest of the piece.

- working on all parts of the painting at once. some artists are able to work on a painting from section to section. this is not me, regardless of detail level. jumping around all over the place keeps me from focusing too hard on one section above others. i even take this one step further by working on 2+ paintings simultaneously but there is something wrong with me for this one i'll admit.

- staying zoomed out for as long i can. this goes in hand with the previous point but when you're zoomed out its easier to lay down the biggest/primary color blocks without the temptation to detail. once the main color blocks are nicely balanced its easier to pick out a few points of interest to add spots of detail to, and restrain myself to them. (easier said than done! but i try!)

- getting comfortable with backtracking / deleting overworked sections and layers. this might seem scary but this has saved my ass more times than you might think. i always save a version of my drawings before i merge everything / start rending so i can always copy over earlier sections if needed.

- cold turkey removing details from the equation for a while. i did this more from necessity than choice, because i was struggling with my health a few years back and had zero energy to sink into art for long hours. but looking on the bright side it helped me realize what details are/aren't necessary and how to build my features from big -> small. this progression of my patho art shows pretty well how i introduced details back into my work over time.

but yeah! sometimes i do still find myself creeping a little too close to overwork territory for comfort, even with all these safeguards in place. in that case i have to accept that not every piece i put out will be my 'best' and that perfection has no place in art. that's not the point of it!

simplifying forms isn't easy, the same way abstract art isn't lazy. but with all things it can be learned with enough practice. and if you decide at the end of it all that you still like drawing a lot details, it might be a matter of readjusting how / where you implement them. best of luck <3

[gg-astrology]

Im trying to figure out if I believe in astrology. So... ppl doing charts/readings of celebrities and ppl they don't know irl bring up sexuality a lot... How on earth can astrology tell you a persons sexuality? It's not like you can say all Scorpio Venus are gay or all Taurus moons are bi, so??? Not just orientation, but fetishes and preferences... Some1 told me caps are into bby girl/princess stuff and like roleplaying their first time and, as a cap, I was like no I don't??? It just seems dumb

hey there! 💓❤️💓 honestly ive no idea about the assuming sexuality (i.e. “scorpio venus are gay or taurus moons are bi”) – thing?? Thats wack as hell i’d probably be on the fence about astrology if i heard that too, ‘m sorry u got hit with that right off the bat?? ;; 💓❤️💓

The second part about fetish and preferences - the statement ‘caps are into bby girl/princess stuff’ is pretty generalized and I don’t agree with it personally On a technical level it’s very presumptuous and seems almost like a blanket-statement? If they’re going to say that, there should be placements and specificity involved. An expansive explanation helps when it’s not just ‘vibes’  bc there’s – uh, alot of things that people do pull out out of nowhere and claim that it’s true just because it seems the most fitting to their story/narrative/vibe impressions they got off of someone?  

So let me clarify? The whole point of this (astrology - to me) is that we’re trying to decipher and learn about expressions, which I understand can be taken to different context (i.e. sexual in nature, romantic in nature, friendship, family, work, life, “horoscopes”, the future) – it’s ‘divination’ by definition (if you look up the term ‘astrology’) - you don’t have to believe it, it’s just the want to know and the ability to give it a chance, that matters? 💓❤️💓 

If you look at it this way - learning the history of how it was practiced, why generations of civilization have used/done with it – (from different cultures no less! Something we all have in common is the sky above us!) – how and why the method is used, the theories behind it – is pretty interesting in itself. As a concept alone. Isn’t it curious? Maybe not about this topic, but another topic if it’s what you’re into. But I think that’s enough of a reason for people to study it if it does fit their boat/perk their fancy? 

To me personally it was never about ‘omg my luck next year is going to be the shit’ or ‘caps are all into role-playing’ but I get curious about why that was said, what basis, does it have any workings behind it? Most topic does! If you look deep enough, but it also depends on context and what you make of it as well. 

I think the main point is that its all just theories. Testing and running it over again and again is normally the way we go about marking down data if its successful or not. 

‘People doing chart readings of people they don’t even know’, ‘bringing up their sexuality’ and ‘fetishization and preference’ seems to be asking about the ethical and moral issues of astrology and to what extent astrologers should use it (note that its a choice, with the information you hold - how much should you do it and in what way. Consequences you’ve considered, and consequences you haven’t considered but will affect those who are influenced by it)

The disregard and/or breach of personal information of another person - perhaps a minor or someone who explicitly have said/would want to keep their information private (to not get exploited/ruined/made assumptions about or defamed unintentionally/intentionally by the mass/parasocial ideas from fans or “others”) – is definitely a topic we (in the community) should talk more in-depth about to get clarity/general consensus about (without witch-hunting or hurting anyone in this scene)

The need to have information accessible for individuals who might find it as a gate-way to the community, or a student who’s studying it to gain more information/resources to go from – versus the subject/context/person themselves should be a no-brainer that we pick the latter over the former. There are appropriate, clear, well-researched accessible information in whatever context people want to explore astrology techniques/topics out there. Its just a matter of ethics and morals - and consequences of ‘what happens when you expose someone to uncomfortable information/situation’ as well that should be considered?? Not just from a technical stand-point of ‘this is information and we should use it’ - but with more regards to the personal livelihood and respect for others as well.

This is a long answer - but to simplify - Some of the ethical/moral issues you brought up is important, I don’t shy away from discussing it openly on my blog anyways. 

To me astrology is a topic that is just that; a topic. It can help if you want it to help (intentionally, through astrologer’s discretion - but it can help those unintentionally as well!) – and it can hurt if you want it to hurt (intentionally or not - perhaps more so unintentionally or in worst cases, intentionally) 

It’s a tool, the astrologer is the one who wields the tool. How they choose to wield it matters. Astrology itself is just a topic - whether you chose to ‘believe’ in it or not doesn’t really matter? It’s a subject you can study, get better at it and gain from it. The idea that it could be learnt meant that the person doesn’t have to believe it or experience it personally to excel at it. Its just easier to fact-check against ourselves, our personal experience (but again, that comes with personal bias as well). Because again, it’s about data and studies - experiences tallies and % of success versus failure. Outliers, etc. Seeing how much this ‘checks out’ as a theory (a big pile of theories) came from the underlying curiosity of why this happens, how it could be used/applied for generations, what is it about. Again– that’s enough of a curiosity (if it fits your specific boat) to embark on the journey.

Last note, lack of discretion is bad in any context/situation, but I don’t and won’t shame people who know discretion and is using it to smartly address the topic of sex in a safe and healthy manner (to those around them and the subject they’re handling) – If they know what they’re doing, takes responsibility for themselves/their audience/the topic they’re handling– it’s not a subject I’m interested in talking about myself (im pretty much, kinda just an ‘oh cool’ about it), but I don’t see anything wrong with just the core-concept of just talking about sex as long as it’s done well - with conscious, and with respect to others? 

Astrology and sex have been (at least in mainstream) linked together and seems? almost exploited somewhat, most people who do talk about it (from what i’ve seen and I definitely haven’t seen everything) – just seems to be comfortable and confident in themselves, comfortable about the topic, and is just as much responsible and putting as much weight into consciously thinking about their audience/what they want to do as other – astrologers who talks about traditional astrology or light-hearted stuff sometimes. 

I definitely get that astrology has also been used (atleast from what i’ve seen?) – as a scrape goat for ‘no moral, unethical sexual stuff u might want to know about ur idols’ as well (im not making fun this is not my own words, i’ve legit seen someone wrote this word for word) – both by assumption that all astrology contents are the same, astrologers are the same, or by examples of people who became popular and gained notoriety for their content – or even examples of those who do just lack discretion and just Do Not Care. Idk? Either way, yeah it’s unfortunate if it’s the last example but I hope you find someone who fits your bill if you’re still looking into it! 

[feignedperfect]

How do you feel about Hal

   SUCH A GOOD QUESTION i have so many thoughts on hal omg . like at first i was not a fan at all bc he comes off like a total tool and at first glance it seems like he and alice really don’t like each other much . i got the vibe that they might love each other on some level bc they have kids together and they’ve spent so long together & definitely care about each other at least but they don’t like each other at all ?? like any time she does anything that’s remotely  ’ alice like ’ he’s so put out and its just like ‘ why did you marry her then ?? ’ to me it seemed like a lot of the pressure she puts on herself must be from him and that perfection was a big deal to hal and then ofc the stuff with polly but actually since i’ve been rewatching i’ve changed my mind a lot .

like he still isn’t my favourite character or anything but i’ve been trying to look at it from a different lens and i’ve decided he’s not that bad. like obviously he still has a lot of faults but almost everyone on the show is an asshole so how harshly can we really judge at this point ?? lmao

we haven’t got to see too much of hal yet really, so i may end up being wrong but rn i think he’s a decent guy who loves his family but is also very stubborn. i think from what we’ve seen of him its clear he places a lot of value into FAMILY LEGACY, which was likely instilled in him quite young, and that’s what influences a lot of his poor choices. he didn’t tell alice or the kids about being related to the blossoms because he’s been told its a shameful family secret , one he may have intended to die with him . like - dumbass move dude get your shit together but idk maybe he was trying to protect them from it in a way ?? idk but srsly bro if you wanted your kid to stop dating her cousin - maybe yk tell them they’re cousins ?????

and then booking the abortion the way he did was obvs about the incest which he eventually copped to and you can see when it dawn’s on alice and she’s like ‘so that’s why’ and he’s just ‘yeah alice, THAT’S why’ to me it felt like there was a lot unspoken there and that was his way of letting her know that he never would have had the circumstances been any different. which actually makes me pretty curious what his reaction might have been had she gotten pregnant to anyone else - maybe he would have supported her keeping it after knowing how much it hurt alice losing their son ? who knows man

and then on to he and alice :  i think their relationship is honestly the most complicated and layered on the show and needs to be explored more for sure bc they have such a big issue with communication to the point of being heartbreaking, but they also seem to have this incredible ability to forgive at the same time ( if not completely then at least enough to move forward ) and this weird dependancy on each other i find really interesting.

it’s easy to write them off as a marriage of convenience but it just doesn’t make sense to me for alice, being who she is to marry/stay with someone she DIDN’T LOVE, its not in her character.

like what happened with polly —-  she was DEVASTATED to find out he’d done that after all they’d been through. she was actually ready to walk away even though she’d been able to forgive him enough for doing it to her to marry him and have two more children.

then she finds out the reason and how the two of them were cousins etc and you can see her face when he says it, this wave of understanding goes over her and you can almost see her decide to forgive him and after that they go get polly and he’s moved back in. and it can’t just be for the sake of keeping up an image,  she had kicked him out already, the illusion of perfect was over so there was no reason to take him back unless she GENUINELY loved him.

and while some of the things he does have me side eying him hard af i’ve started to see the way he talks to alice ( not when they’re fighting, just in general ) as them just being MarriedTM lol like yes he rolls his eyes at her a lot but i don’t think its about him not liking her anymore, i think its just that they’ve been together so long now that he’s just like ‘ omg not again really pls ’ lmao but not even in a bad way . and i love that when she starts going overboard he’ll be like ‘alice’ or touch her or something and she’ll calm down and then like when they were in that city hall meeting he’s just sitting with is arm around her, not touching her but theres that closeness. then in the deleted scene after the meeting she has her arms linked around his which i think was really cute.

or like the scene where penelope slaps her , i loved seeing them interact there because he just puts his hand on her and he’s making sure she’s okay and talking her down, etc —-  mostly, i feel, because he knows if she does hit penelope she’s gonna hate hearing people gossip about her etc bc she’s so conscious of that.

i’ve also been trying to think of why tf she would stay w him after he had her give up their first kid, which she views as her biggest regret and i feel like he probably visited her a lot at the sisters and just sat w her and talked to her about whatever she wanted / about what their future would be like / helped her study so she didn’t fall behind bc she probably would have wanted to get a scholarship for college and just tried to be there for her however he could and maybe that helped her get through it IDK

the only thing i can think of is that she honestly really loved him and she knew he was right about them not being ready for a baby even though he handled it badly and at the time she was just young and thinking more about her own future. maybe it wasn’t until later that she started to regret it? like maybe when she had polly that she really started to regret not keeping him

i’m sure she felt some regret before that of course. felt that pull to him as her child but she was still a child herself really and i think it would’ve been seeing polly and all the milestones that come with having a child that would have made her realise what she missed out on with her first / would have made her wish she had have kept him.

i think when she was pregnant it would’ve felt like the end of the world and she would’ve had to give up all her dreams to have him and she was probably scared she’d end up living in a trailer park etc in the lifestyle she grew up in , but then after polly she thought differently. she realised well i could’ve had him in daycare or gone to a community college that would’ve been more lenient so she could’ve managed both etc.

i feel like I’m not even answering your question anymore at this point lmao

i think his parents would have played a huge part and you can tell by the way he told that story about his grandfather he’s very family orientated so pressure from his parents probably influenced him A LOT but i also think had she decided to keep the baby he’d have stuck by her.  i think it was his parents offered to pay for an abortion and probably paid to have her go to the sisters. and i think it would have meant a lot to her if he came to visit / kept coming back hat in hand trying to make amends and keep their relationship going bc she probably assumed he’d want nothing to do with her after. i feel like he’d have been really apologetic about the whole thing though.

i also feel like his mother is probably really intense and thats where alice takes on a lot of her 'perfect wife/mother’ act bc a lot of the show centres around the becoming your parents sort of thing but for alice i feel like it was mother-in-law. you can tell all perfect Mrs. Cooper posturing is very very put on so she has to be getting it from somewhere. and i feel like hal definitely became his father unintentionally with the way he’s holding onto old family feuds and offering to pay for polly’s abortion. i don’t think he would have been like that as a younger man.

i’ve also been thinking a lot about how alice and hal might’ve gotten together in the first place and i like the idea that it was because of her writing that he took a real interest. like he would’ve taken notice of her already bc she’s beautiful but probably wrote her off bc she was from the southside and idk maybe one day they’ve all had to read their own piece to the class or their work has been passed around etc and he’s realised theres a lot more to her than just the southside.

i’m really curious why he originally took interest in her bc we can pretty much guess her reason at least originally would’ve been this hope of having a better life but i think there must’ve been a lot more to him as well we just haven’t seen yet bc otherwise i think she could’ve easily had her pick of northside boys.

and from what i can tell they seem to be a marriage of equals for the most part, which i’m sure is something thats really important to her and that makes me like them together.

[isaacathom]

one interesting thing i found in SB is that for its mythology, which is, Woof, the original bad guy was the fire god, not the dark one. so, passing forward to EC, Ryaris was the one who went rogue first, and then Dalace went down afterwards. And there’s the fact that the act which got her branded as a villain is specifically called a betrayal. of who?

my memory of most of the EC lore is fuzzy, but I know that Ryaris couldnt have betrayed, say, her direct elemental counterpart in the water goddess Caliyo, because she’s the one who, after the Second Event, broke Ryaris’ seal early. While that could just be a whole lot of forgiveness and an understanding of how their elements coexist, it’s more likely that Caliyo was not the one wronged by Ryaris’ actions originally. This is compared to what I later had down for EC, which is that Dalace had been bad from the word go and that Ryaris only became involved in the Second Event by trying to free her. fun!

So then the Q becomes what did Ryaris do, and who did she betray? The likely answer is she betrayed Losa, the goddess of Light. the reasons for doing so are, complicated? and have their routes in the way the elements all interact. cause the 4 standard elements are basically neutral towards eachother because while they can cancel eachother out short term, they have a ~relationship~ thats important. like, the air goddess Xen can blow out Ryaris’ flames, but her air is also responsible for flames growing in the first place, and the fires consume that air. You follow? But light and dark have a way more complicated relationship that leaves Dalace especially feeling wronged, because where light is present, dark cannot exist. dark cannot overpower light rawly, yknow? i have diagrams in my head which explain this sort of. point being, dark and light are not friend.

and that complexity extends to how the 4 elements interact w/ light and dark. Ryaris as a fire goddess mostly has vague beef with Losa, because fire creates light, doesn’t it? and light, when concentrated, can create fire. The two cannot destroy each other, their actions only fuel the other. so while in theory, on paper, theyre allies, in practice they set eachother off extremely easily. they just are not compatible personalities, their elemental dynamic personified.

which makes it easy to imagine that Ryaris, pissed off to no end by Losa’s holier than thou attitude, etc etc, decides to fuck with her. And thus, betrayal. An important aspect of this is that Ryaris was not sealed away by the gods alone, but also by a human on their side. that the conflict that spilled out from Ryaris’ actions impacted the human world in some way. So it was a very direct betrayal, going back on her word, doing what she was told not to do. Something that, even if some of her fellow gods thought the rule was bad, had to acknowledge that Ryaris had broken it. yknow. centrism. because the other gods don’t side with Ryaris. Even Dalace, who fucking loathes Losa, remains neutral. which she regrets, hence the Second Event.

So Losa tells Ryaris not to do something, Ryaris decides fuck you asshole, I’m going to do that anyway and even more, and thus, Chaos. It could lean a vague prometheus angle, like that Losa in her ~divine wisdom~ decided to impose some restriction upon humans, and Ryaris broke it. cause Losa is a hell of an individual generally, consider she decided of her own accord that she was gonna be the ‘keeper of lost souls’, like she ust. decided that. without input. and without letting anyone else even go ‘actually id like to keep the ghosts of the people who lived in my world with me, or give them a choice’ nope! Losa knows best! She’s presumably the oldest, or second oldest depending on your opinion of whether the Void is ‘dark’ or just ‘blank’.

Ryaris isn’t the oldest, obvs, or even the oldest of the elemental quartet due to fire requiring fuel (which supposes that Xen is the oldest, followed by either Ryaris or Elra the earth goddess, or possibly even that Ryaris is flat out the youngest if it goes Xen>Elra>Caliyo>Ryaris, with earth requiring water to make the like, carbon fuel, right). but the fact her power creates light lends a degree of authority. She’s in a very unique position as a goddess in that respect, since she can technically create two elements. so even though she’s either the 1st or 3rd youngest, she has that going for her. it fuels smth in her. that ability to stand up to Losa and say ‘no, fuck you’.

Maybe it does even tie into the ghost thing, or the general inability for souls and mortals to change realms (excepting all souls going to Losa’s realm). Maybe Ryaris breaks that barrier down. Maybe she creates the first portals, opens those floodgates that even Losa can’t really close. Which is even a bit of, idk, sorta dramatic irony since her creating portals directly leads to a lot of things that bring about her defeat in the Third Event (specifically Skye being a Very Weird Light Boy, Will being a Very Weird Dark Boy, and Violet being her literal lost daughter, lmao). But its also neat because in SB the method of weakening the seals was to create portals, which sorta punctured holes in the space. whch is pretty neat.

so Losa makes a decision that mortals have to stay on their world only and that when they die theyre souls come to stay in hers. While this sorta annoys all of them (who died and made her queen, whats the point of all these worlds if they cant interact, etc), Ryaris is the one who decides to act. She visits Losa’s light world full of ghosts on false pretenses (delivering some wayward souls, perhaps), sneaks in somewhere, and basically burns a hole in the fabric of space to create a portal between light world and Earth. Ryaris’ reasoning for doing this is sorta weird, but any important part of it is that with the change Losa made, only two worlds have no native inhabitants - Ryaris’ fire world, and Dalace’s dark world. To be clear, Ryaris isn’t bitter, because she made a conscious decision to not put like, sophonts on the fire world. she likes the quiet. But Ryaris likes the idea of visitors, of creating a place where people can come to see her and stay for a short while. And Losa’s decided that she literally cannot do that, and that the only people who can visit her are runaway souls (rough crowd) and the other gods. And they’re busy! Busy people! Ryaris likes the idea of the freedom of movement, probably because as a fire goddess, fire likes to just. Expand. It’s great.

so she lies to losa’s face, creates a portal, and then allie fucking oops outta there. excellent. things escalate from there as mortals start following ryaris’ example and making portals, thats the floodgates. Then Losa and co go ham, a pseudo war starts, and then eventually Ryaris gets sealed in her realm and barred from using the portals out of it. but now portals are there, and losa’s pisssssed.

dalace remains neutral in the First Event because even though she hates Losa and is against her just, by default, she’s also not... really allies with Ryaris? The enemy of my enemy is my friend, sure, but Ryaris is, as said earlier, in a very unique elemental position in that her element, fire, creates light. Dalace hates light. and so, unable to reconcile her loathing of Losa with her dislike of Ryaris, she exits the conflict and probably mopes in the dark world for its duration. The other goddesses are either neutral or side with Losa. fun times! Caliyo likely sides with Losa, but even at the early stage she regrets it. However she’s actually unable to break the first seal because it was made using, im pretty sure a water mage? I don’t honestly know if I kept track of what elements Talae and Silver were, but they were i think water and air, respectively? idk. It might make more sense if Talae is air ad Silver is water, because then Caliyo as water goddess can sorta.. ‘revoke’ Silver’s part of the seal on Ryaris after take 2. yea. i think that works.

so then the idea is that while Caliyo feels guilty because she actually agrees with Ryaris and the elemental counterpart relationship is Fun, Dalace feels guilty because she ‘let Losa win’. and spends the next few centuries weakening Ryaris’ seal so that they can get revenge. And Ryaris is down for revenge! And down for support! So she teams up with Dalace, they break her out, and cause chaos again. This time there’s no principle behind it. its just flipping the bird at losa. so while the first time around its like, Losa+Caliyo+idk, Elra, vs Ryaris, second time its Losa+Caliyo+Elra+Xen vs Ryaris+Dalace. And they get beaten and both get sealed.

At this point Ryaris decides that while she stands by her original decision to create portals, she doesn’t stand by the attempt at revenge, and she accepts being sealed as a consequence. Dalace, of course, does not. After time passes, Caliyo comes to visit Ryaris and see hows she’s doing (with Caliyo having fully forgiven her for the first thing, bc that wasnt Caliyo’s problem), and after deciding she’s appropriately sorry for what she did with Dalace’s help, leaves and weakens the seal, and some time later Ryaris is able to leave, whereupon she decides to visit the world she tried to destroy in the guise of a mortal to see whats up, whereupon she falls in love with and later marries Evelyn Nis, and the Story Persisteth.

the reason they went for fucking over the central world (earth, i guess) rather than losa’s world directly was the fact that the two of the, Ryaris and Dalace, can’t fucking touch the place. Dalace can barely even go there, fucks sake, she cant destroy it. And if Ryaris tries, it won’t work, because of the fire makes light thing. So you settle for the next best thing - the neutral world none of the goddesses rule directly, but which Losa has a great deal of influence over, because Fuck Losa.

presumably dalace’s current plan is to be a bit sneakier, and rather than appearing and trying to destroy everything, she basically wants the trick all the people into destroying it themselves, through war and so on. and so a lot fo subterfuge, and stuff. which is WHY Ryaris kidnaps Chase and Akian D’Lore - she’s ransoming the shit out of Sparklr Fountain and provoking them into accusing all their neighbours and vague enemies of being responsible. Quartai’s probably on that list which is fun. Lot happening. :)

[jess-oh]

Reflection

I’ve been watching some more Conan videos today and it’s really giving me some perspective. I think lately, I’ve been trying to fool myself and say, “Oh. I’m not like this. That’s not who I am. I am grateful and there is nothing wrong with me.” which just, isn’t true.

watching conan has helped give me perspective and reminded me why he is such an incredibly beautiful human being. because he really is and i am filled with so much love for him. he is genuine and kind and caring and loving and grateful despite everything that he had to endure. but he rose above it all and made something amazing out of it. and i want to do that too. i dont want to reveal my hardships as a way to brag or so that people will pity me or see me any differently. i want to be vulnerable and share my struggles because they are a part of who i am. i was briefly bullied as a child and my parents left me at the beach and i was too afraid to talk to anyone so i didnt have any friends but i pushed myself to go past that and grow from it. and now im here. and i have no right to judge anyone else’s life stories or talk smack about them or degrade them for how they were raised because ultimately, they arent me. they have their own journey to do. i have been acting like an asshole lately and claiming that my friends have been blaming the world for everything when in reality, i’ve been no different. they’re my friends bc i attracted them bc of who i am in this point in time. and thats just how it is. and i do want to be more direct and blunt and get better at receiving and giving compliments and i know that lately, i’ve retreated into my own little shell and didnt want to talk to anyone and returned to my old habits of carrying my burden on my own but now that ive realized that, i dont want to do that anymore. i want to be and do better and push myself to learn more and become a better version of myself instead of acting so complacent. bc complacency is the worst. it’s when you stop growing as a person. and i dont want to stop growing. i dont want to keep putting up this facade of a beautiful human that people want to see and just pretend like nothing is wrong. bc it’s not all happy. i have been a shitty person recently. and thats not just me having low self esteem. it’s just a fact. i have been a really shitty person recently and just been so self absorbed and wanted all the attention instead of really taking the time to care for others. i do want to grow as a person. i do want to become a better person. i really do. and most of all, i want to get back on track with you, God.

I went to Rocky Horror last night with Marlena and her two roommates, Legacy and Angel. And I was filled with so much sass due to stress and was borderline arguing with Marlena and making these over the top claims. Accusing her of not doing the show right. Getting mad when she said I was ruining the show by responding to the lines. And even though my actions showed that I still cared whenever I ran after her so that she wouldnt be alone or sat next to her on the train, I was still a pretty terrible friend. And I was so self-absorbed too. I kept thinking about how I felt toward her. “Maybe I don’t like Marlena anymore. She’s too into that party lifestyle.” But who am I to say anything? Because I’m the one that made the choice to go out that night. I’m the one that gave drinking a try and told her about it. I’m the one that foolishly said, “we should go to a party together before you leave.” She assumed that I was okay with it so she invited me. And I said, “Yes.” 

Yes, maybe she is more into that party lifestyle than I am bc it goes against my religion. And yes, it is hard to be completely open with her bc she doesnt follow the “Christian lifestyle.” But I didn’t even stop to consider her feelings and how she felt and what shes going through. Instead of genuinely being there for her, I was always so eager to talk about myself. I was so desperate to have someone, anyone, that i could fully rely on in my life. During a time that’s changing so much. I never had any right to be paranoid about Andrew leaving me because of Lauren and pinning the blame on him because my life is crazy. He has his own life to life and who am I to get in the way of that? Yes, I do crave a community where I can feel so free to be myself. But I can’t do that if I’m not willing to do the same for them. 

Dear Jessica, 

You want to know why you don’t have people around you that don’t throw you birthday parties? It’s because those arent the people you reach out to. You’re attracted to those who cannot help themselves just because you genuinely care about them. And that’s all that should matter. Yes, some recognition is nice. But you know in your heart that what youre doing is right and good. And God sees you and appreciates you and I know that that’s so hard to do or realize sometimes but it’s true. You can’t change the fact that it’s true.

And plus, you push people away whenever they try to help you anyway.

I think before I even started watching Conan videos, I had my moment of realization when I was texting Mulan earlier. There was some miscommunication and I was so tempted to just call her out on her BS and put her in her place and retaliate, confident in my own memory and ability. But then I realized that I needed to take a breather and just calm down. Because lashing back at her wouldn’t solve anything. It would just make the situation worse. I knew that neither one of us like to back down and we’re both hella stubborn. Even if she was wrong, she wasn’t about to accept it. So I took the time to gather some info from Claire and tried to keep myself in check and not gossip about Mulan. And Claire didn’t remember. Honestly, a part of me was hoping that Claire would confirm that I did mention it and that we did agree upon it so that I could definitively prove Mulan wrong. But that’s not what I got. So I just recently sent Mulan a text, saying that whether or not I was right or wrong, I was sorry that there was some miscommunication present and took responsibility for it. And I know that she’s going to judge me for how late I sent the text and bring it back up in the future. But it is what it is and I’m ready to let go and move on.

Finally, I feel like so much happened today and I can’t believe that it’s still only Sunday. But Dana woke up late this morning and as a result, I wasn’t as motivated to pay attention and get really into the worship today. And I know that I should always give it my all but that is honestly how I felt today. But...it was just really nice. I got to talk with everyone and I actually felt really comfortable with them too. Before, when I wanted to bring people to Christ, I was afraid. Because I didn’t like Lakeview and I didn’t want that to be their main idea of Christianity bc I know from Sa-Rang that it can be so much more than that. But now, I’m honestly pretty happy with where I’m at. Yes, sometimes I do feel left out or self-conscious. But I was so interested in learning about Emily’s work at UIC and was happy when she took such interest in me as well. James, Chelsea, Claire and I talked about McDonald’s happy meals and Chelsea and I bonded over Sanrio’s old Happy Meal line. And I found out that she really likes Kerropi. So I’m hoping I can get her a plush for either her birthday or Christmas. c: I do want to get to know her better and I think I was too quick to judge her before. But I do genuinely want to get to know her better and get on a deeper level. When I first came to Lakeview, I made the over-the-top claim that no one really cared about God and moreso cared about the community of friends than actually going to church to develop this deeper relationship. And by taking the time to just chat with them, I have been able to get to know them a bit more and really understand their faith and current walk with God. And y’know, we’re all going to be at different points in our faith and I definitely have no place to judge. So I’m just really glad that I am starting to feel more at home with Lakeview. Thank you so much God for showing me this church and showing me that it really is somewhere worth investing.