#which isnt to say were moving 'backwards' per se but that these ideas are not now and never have been really challenged

[homophyte]

it is interesting to me that ive seen lately (n yknow this is subjective and likely not any real social force just what ive seen) many queer people simultaneously talking about taking back and embodying unpalatable and ‘unmarketable’ queerness (the recent return to the terms faggot and transsexual come to mind) which i think is pretty evidently shaped by the conservative moment were in of demonizing queer ppl and especially gnc and trans people as predators--it reads as a return to queer isolationism in the face of external hostility, imo--while at the same time ive seen a lot of rallying around the “original” 6 stripe rainbow flag as opposed to any of the purportedly ‘factional’ flags of different queer identities, with the assumption being different identity flags divide us while the rainbow flag encompasses everyone and its kinda fascinating to me bc the rainbow flag is probably the single most marketable and palatable and uncontroversial symbols of queerness which has been seamlessly uptaken by those who wish to sell it back to us as gets pointed out every pride month with all the cringey pride merch.... i dunno you could maybe take that as a point of hypocrisy and claim the queer community is itself in a conservative moment rn where its returning to a sense of history and historical continuity (perhaps even out of that sense of external threat) or even that the queer community has for some time been in a conservative moment given the like, decade of identity discourse and lashing out at any people deemed to not have a sufficiently established history or however we should categorize the bihets/ace discourse/transtrender-tucute discourse/pan discourse/bi lesbians discourse (because lets be frank its essentially all the same discourse just keeping up its momentum by leapfroging from one target to the next) which i think is, like, SOMEWHAT true but not entirely? its more interesting to me, in any case, as an expression of a conflict the queer community is facing given that current state of affairs RE antitransness and that very recent history. like, the simultaneous need to retreat to a safe sense of community which is welcoming to the very things the outer world is demonizing ie mutable gender, complex or contradictory experiences of gender, gender expression which is hostile to the cis binary, but also the ways in which it has to grapple with those discourses which have largely defined the community infighting for again the past decade. its queer people begging the question ‘how can we make the queer community welcoming to the girlfags and genderfucks and tboys who are being threatened when we have spent so much time making the queer community a hostile place for anyone with a non-conventional or not easily (or even just palatably) sortable sense of queer identity’. and the answer it seems to be grappling with at the moment is like, welcoming all that diversity of experience but being absolutely averse to naming it. yes we love all the fuckery with gender and sexuality never be marketable but like, ew, why are you calling yourself [insert microlabel here]. you can be genderweird but you cant call yourself genderweird. you can only exist as queer in the broadest possible way (the all-inclusive gay pride flag!) but if you try to name the specifics or use those identity labels weve been fighting over for years youre doing it wrong (the progress pride flag is now ugly and cringey and ‘too much’). i think theres something also to the way (at least on this site) transmisogynistic discourses have really taken hold as legitimate (though yknow i wont downplay how much a problem transmisogyny has like. always been in queer spaces no matter what) in the name of protecting n defending trans people. like its just regurgitated transmisogyny but its being mobilized supposedly in the service of helping trans people. idk its definitely getting a little late for me to string this together fully coherently but theres a throughline there, in the ways certain ideas are being consolidated and reified as ‘yes were more progressive now!’ when i think theres definitely something to question there in terms of like...are we? are we actually? are we doing better by the people were trying to help or are we setting strict standards and forcing ppl to adhere to them again?

[alfredolover119]

I looooove your zukka rec lists! I recently became Avatar-obsessed, never got a chance to watch it as a kid and only just got through it all! I was wondering if you'd consider doing a specifically angst rec list? I love fluffy zukka everything, but sometimes you just gotta have your heart ripped out of your chest and put back in after being thoroughly blended.

thank you! i relate heavily to “recently became Avatar-obsessed” haha. as for the angst list, i sure can try! warning: all of these have happy endings because im a crybaby who can’t read unhappy endings. also, p much all of the fics in the completed section were featured on my other lists but this is specifically the ANGSTY ones >:^)

angsty zukka wips

first, most obviously, feels like we only go backwards by @oldpotatoe

-currently at 102k with 19/27 chapters posted; rated teen

-the amnesia fic. the amnesia fic. the amnesia fic. you know. i haven’t actually read it yet because, as previously mentioned, i’m a crybaby and am waiting for it to finish up but, from my understanding, this fic will murder you in a dark alleyway with no remorse. if u like zukka angst, you’ve probably already read this, but just in case!

An injury leaves Sokka with amnesia. His last memory is of the failed invasion, of leaving his father behind in enemy territory on the Day of Black Sun. Of hopelessness. Rage. // But then he wakes up, and the war is over. Suddenly, he must come to terms with the fact that years have passed, and that he's somehow the Southern Water Tribe Ambassador to the Fire Nation. He is also supposedly friends with banished-Prince-turned-Fire-Lord Zuko, of all people. Close friends.

Yeah, nah.

and i’ll do anything you say (if you say it with your hands) by @goldrushzukka

-currently 38k with 6/8 chapters posted; rated mature

-holy shit. holy SHIT. modern au based on the “my cat likes my fuckbuddy and i am falling in love” trope(?). maybe it’s just because of how the last chapter ended, but oh my god. this one made me cry. made me want to commit violence. when it’s not angsty as hell, it’s pretty funny, but holy shit. ao3 user nebulastucky please.

It’s supposed to be a one night stand. Pick up some guy at a bar, barely remember his name and never learn anything real about him, send him packing in the morning with a thanks for the ride and a cup of coffee to-go. That’s how it’s supposed to go. // But then it’s the best sex Sokka has ever had, and he thinks he’ll hate himself if he never gets to have it again.

Violet Blossoms and Celestial Objects by @hollypunkers

-currently 15k with 2/? posted. rated teen.

-this is the sequel to blue (an angsty, zukka rewrite of book 2-- go read it if u havent!)! !! this is a book 3 rewrite. only two chapters in and mrs hollypunkers is really abusing the miscommunication tag, as zukka writers seem to enjoy doing. im excited to see how the world and story develops with the changes to the story! you should be too!! its very good! obviously spoilers for blue lmao

Having sided with the Avatar in Ba Sing Se, Zuko not only must navigate his new relationship with Sokka but returning to the Fire Nation as a banished enemy. His own journey of self discovery and personal growth must now coexist alongside the personal struggles of every other member of the Gaang as together they blaze a treacherous path toward an unsure victory against Zuko's own father and nation.

breakable heaven by @fruitysokka

-currently 71k with 9/11 chapters posted. rated teen

-swt ambassador zuko! soon to be chief sokka! fake dating ur best friend to get out of an arranged marriage! what could go wrong!!! i also haven’t read this one ((see: i’m a crybaby who is being hurt by too many zukka wips already)), but it has been hanging out in my marked for later for months. from what i understand, this fic has: angst.

With his twenty-first birthday looming just around the corner, the Southern Water Tribe Elders have decided that Sokka, next in line to be Chief, needs to get married. Sokka does not want that, but he does need to get them off his back until he can figure his way out of it. What better way to do that than to pretend to date his best friend (and newly minted Ambassador to the Southern Water Tribe) Zuko? // Seriously, this is a foolproof plan. Maybe one of Sokka's best. Absolutely nothing can go wrong.

angsty zukka fics (completed!)

(i’ll put these in wc order)

lighthouse beam by @incorrectzukka

-7k, rated g

-a modern college au!! zuko’s inner-monologue is very angsty in this fic. typical zuko. also per usual, theyre both fucking dorks. they sort themselves out in the end, but not before The Angst. zuko is semi-deaf in this fic and also he has a bit of internalized homophobia.

Sokka’s breathtakingly beautiful and he’s smart and makes other people laugh. Zuko has a half-burnt face and a deaf ear. It’s not rocket science. // Or, Zuko falls in love with the boy in his Philosophy class.

This Isn’t My Idea of Fun by @khaleeseas

-9k, explicit

-moon spirit/nwt prince!sokka, no war to be found here! admittedly this isnt THAT angsty but like. the angst IS present. zuko is still the prince. a lovely childhood friends (though they hated each other for a minute haha) to lovers story. 

If you asked Zuko, he and Azula saw far too much of Chief Hakoda of the Northern Water Tribe’s children growing up. It wasn’t until they were older, and Azula pointed out that - duh - their families were trying to set them all up, that he realized why. // He was told by his mother to be polite. These people were their friends and allies, and though their nations were as different as they came, harmony between nations was the most important thing. // It wasn’t his fault the Chief’s children were so annoying.

put your lips close to mine (as long as they don’t touch) by @celestialceci

-9k, teen

-modern au! zuko and sokka are college roommates. zuko goes to spend the summer with sokka. again,, not really that angsty but-- its there!! the detail and feeling of Home in this story make me happy. zuko is insecure as hell here too. if ur into that. 

Zuko hates his home. He likes college alright, but he likes Sokka even better, his assigned roommate turned best friend. Spending the summer with Sokka will be fun, a welcome change of pace he desperately wants. It probably won't awaken anything in him... right?

the thing about dancing by anodymalion

-9k, teen

-yes. this one right here officer. it makes my heart ache. also trans sokka! which is cool. but the zuko angst in this one. hurts me. not so much relationship angst as it is zuko learning he deserves happiness angst. i’m sure u know The Type.

The first time a attendant spills Zuko’s tea and doesn’t immediately fall to her knees, begging the Fire Lord’s forgiveness, it is not anger but a resounding warmth that fills his chest.

i could (never) give you peace by @zukkababey

-10k, mature

-OUCH. OUCH OUCH OUCH. boys please learn to communicate im begging u. also zuko.. zuko, dude. as the tags of the fic say, hes “really going through it” in this one. YOUCH. post-canon.

Zuko almost said it. He almost said the words I think I’m in love with you, but he choked them back down at the last second. // Zuko would never be able to be what Sokka wanted. They might have needed each other during the summer, when two boys with too much weight on their shoulders found comfort in each other in the only way they knew how. // But now Zuko was Fire Lord, and Sokka was leaving.

this love burns so yellow (becoming orange and in its time, exploding) by @meliebee 

-18k, teen, major character death 

-i lied. THIS is the one, officer. found family.. good mai and zuko and toph friendships.. . ozai escapes prison and tries to overthrow zuko. OBVIOUSLY angst ensues. poor boy. he Does heal in this but it gets worse before it gets better. angst angst angst angst.

Ten months after Zuko is crowned at seventeen, he faces his first coup.

Anything for You by beersforqueers

-23k, explicit

-istg. this is probably one of my favorite zukka fics. its PAINFUL. modern au where theyre broken up but sokka hasnt told his family yet so zuko goes home with him for kataang wedding. a bit smutty, but the plot oh my god ohgm y fuvk. made me cry the first time i read it. (see: crybaby!me) insert that one picture of the horse with the caption PAIN. 

In which Sokka and Zuko have broken up but Sokka hasn't told his family yet. So when Katara and Aang's wedding weekend rolls around and he doesn't want to break Gran-Gran's heart, he asks Zuko to pretend to be his boyfriend for one last weekend. // Things don't go as planned.

Moving Mountains by @thefangirlingdead

-64k, mature

-so. when i read this the first time it was in one sitting. soulmate au set within canon era / the comics, to an extent. soulmates can hear each others thoughts. i will happily say this is slowburn, jesus christ. champagne without the cham. 

Soulmates are chosen by the spirits and can hear each other’s thoughts. Sokka thinks it’s cheesy and dumb. Zuko thinks it’s poetic justice that he doesn’t have one because he doesn’t deserve it. Cruel irony is finding out that the prince of the Fire Nation (and the person currently hunting you) is your soulmate.

In the Soft Light by @voidcenturyscholar and @romancedawning

-83k, teen, graphic depictions of violence

-moon spirit!sokka living in the northern water tribe. zuko is sent to the northern water tribe as a cultural liaison. iroh is the fire lord but while he is away taking care of lu ten after his injury ozai steps up. i cannot express how many emotions this fic made me feel. background yuetara. i would almost say found family?? but. anyway. plenty of angst to spare here with a healthy dose of enemies to friends to lovers.

As the newly appointed cultural liaison to Northern Water Tribe, Zuko is the first Fire Nation Citizen to step foot inside the city's walls in nearly a century. He's determined to prove himself—to the Fire Lord and to his father—even if the Water Tribe's spirit-touched prince seems to want nothing to do with him.

That Midnight Sky by @zukkababey

-103k, teen

-now now now. tms... modern college au where sokka agrees to tutor zuko in physics because zuko has to maintain straight a’s and physics is just not doing it for him. so. thats cool but THEN azula moves in, randomly, with zuko. to hide the fact that sokka is tutoring zuko, they fake date! what could go wrong!! the mutual pining in here combined with the angst... wonderful, tasty. everyone read it rn. also SLOWBURN 

In Zuko’s strict family, needing a tutor is just about the worst thing you could do. Failing a class, however, is even worse. The only rational solution? Take up Aang on his offer to find him a physics tutor and have Sokka—beautiful, smart, handsome Sokka—tutor him in secret. // When Azula’s arrival threatens to reveal Zuko’s secret, it’s up to Sokka to convince her this definitely isn’t what it looks like. See, he’s actually… Zuko’s… boyfriend? // Hmm. There’s no way this could get complicated, right?

[bonbonswirl-blog]

Old passer

ALL THE CHARACTERS BELONG TO @brueklynn I OWN NOTHING. You already know this is not canon, i want to point out that there is a character here that belongs to toony BUT doesnt have any kind of design or personality so i created them myself for this story XD means the anything here is not canon at all, that it thank u ^^

Wallaby was standing outside in front of a random store under shade. There he is, standing alone, tapping the ground under him with one foot, his hands in his pants pockets while looking bored. At these fine balmy days, almost every eye hides behind sunglasses and hair flows freely in the breeze, erratic steps echo. The janitor Penetrating gaze probed Perusing the sea of faces, like if he is looking for someone he was supposed to meet up with ages ago and they never came, now he is still here waiting for their arrival at any second. If only time can pass faster, or if he had something to entertain himself away from this killing boredom instead of leaving him to dwell with it. Letting his eyes roam over the streets, he just moved his head right and left checking if one of those faces is the person he meant to meet. However, he didnt know that few moments later something going to etch insidr his memory is going to take place right now. It was the moment when he noticed one of the passers being a lady, a normal lady, just like all the other ladies in the streets. but for some unknown reason, he felt something being off, her presence pulling his attention away from any other person.

Long fluid wisps of chocolate hair that always seemed to gleam when it  captured the light just right. Large liquid blue eyes held such a serenity, trimmed by long pretty lashes, lovely eyes, yet somehow seem gentle. Florid cheeks and flawlessly syrup sweet sculpted lips was lilac soft. She was all about simplicity, holding a small bag in her hands, wearing a short cute bright flowing dress, walking like an elegant lady.

And still for today, wallaby have no idea what was it in his guts that forced him to move his legs as fast as he can to approach her before she get any further away and dissappear from sight.

"E-Excuse me miss!" She turned around, facing wallaby who was holding his flatcap in his hands, waiting for his request. He looked at her with confused eyes, of course he would be, he doesnt know why is he even talking to her from tha first place, what does his guts want from a  random person he never saw? "Yes sir?" She smiled, lipstick glowing. She had a soothing voice, atleast thats what wallaby thought, she seemed nice, that kind of woman whom hold a tiny warmth within eyes. Those eyes...just by looking at this pair he can see one of his gazes in them. That evoked something from some part of his brain, He had no memory of her, atleast thats what he thinks, cause he doesnt recall any. Perhaps its not a memory per se, but echoes that call to his intuition. He started to think he may recognize her before, maybe he did neet her at one point in his life? maybe that was the reason why his legs automatically moved to catch her? Yes, it was, he can tell. Her simple smile was unique, reminded him of a certain smile too. he could have swore he saw it a lot, but where? when? And who? He was anxious for recognition he never knew. "I..." the janitor had no absolute idea of what to say when stopping a stranger for no reason, but he tried to come with a good excuse so he doesnt seem like a fool. How about..the reason he approached her from the first place? Why he ran to her before he lost her view. "Miss did we...did we meet before somewhere?" "We did? Oh Im sorry but, I dont think i do remember..." she apologized, wallaby didnt feel sad or dissapointed because she was just a stranger to him, but his inside did. She doesnt know him too, he can now let her go away right? Nope, that answer didnt calm his guts down, his tongue isnt satisfied with it. He looked at her again. Noticing smooth Bangs obscuring the woman forhead, framing her face. what is so intresting is that.

Her bangs are just like wallaby ones.

That was a nice detail, but all wallaby wanted is to sooth those unknown feelings and go back quickly to waiting for a certain person. "Are you sure? cuz I do feel that we may had knew each other at some point. I mean come on! Our bangs are really so similiar missy!"

So how can wallaby know a lady who is 20 years older than him? Dont ask him, ask his gut. it was still impossible for him not to be held prisoner by the intuitons. but there was undeniable familiarity to her features, possibly thats what held him so captivated. she giggled slightly "I just noticed that too...even our hair color is the same shade! Staring at your eye...I feel myself looking at a mirror! So..whats your name? Maybe I can remember you then!" "Oh! My name is-"

They both stopped when they heard objects hitting the floor with a loud thud.

They both turned their heads for the source of the voice, to their right concerned. It was a man with short dark brown hair, ruddy skin, a flatcap, standing there. Frozen, arms still static in the same position he left his belongings to fall down.

Wallaby was puzzled. His father constantly welcomed any kind of guest he met with kind smiles and  words. He never gave that kind of a shocked reaction to anyone before, especially for just meeting a random lady. His child himself didnt see him that shocked before about anything. But he tried to push it off for now and get back to the subject. "Oh dad Here you are! This is m-" He was cut too when he saw the woman next to him no longer smiling, soft glowy lipstick in a frown, not being too happy to see his father. Drown in her unwanted sad moments, lowered Dull orbs of ocean blocked under the dark shadow created of her fallen bangs, her expressions faded, the molten chocolate that hung precisely on her back turning dry, cheery dress no longer dancing with the breeze. The brown haired boy doesnt understand a thing... unsettling feelings began filling him. Whats wrong? Why are they both That greetly dissapointed? What making his head spin are the unexplained transitions. Who is she? What does she have to do with his dad? He wished he could Leap straight for the answer.

Mason already felt the knife before he saw it. Looking at the girl wallaby just met in a forlorn stare. He didnt blink and in the depths of his gaze, he couldnt believe his eyes anymore. He looked into her eyes one more second to make sure this isnt the wrong person or some hallucinations haunting him.

It was his partner

Or you could say his previous partner.

His shoulders hunched together like if he was trying to disappear inside himself. Even his dark eyes seemed to be attempting to retreat inside his head.

"...Lucy...."

"...You...."

She couldnt even remember his name. Expected. Why would she do anyway? Mason can still recognize her voice, even though its been...very long years since he last heard it, or seen her face...She wasnt that girl he loved, who cared about his being, or encouraged him to do his best in achieving dreams. No, she is just an old passer from his old life. The old lucy was long gone. Lucy snutched up an eye to finally take a glance at her once spouse. Looking at each other, Both of them had changed, yet still identifiable, funny how much tricky the time is. they realised that the eyes whose were once filled with so much purpose and love was now replaced with bitterness, and maybe hate. The only thing that showed any resemblance to the man was the shell the bitter soul inhabited. His old self was gone too. Mason never left anyone, they walked away. In his life he had been the sunshine, giving warmth, light and love without reserve, Yet there came a time when the pain within overwhelmed and only tears came. Her abandonment was like a betrayal to him, a burning to his soul, a dusty hot road on which his mind and body can wither. He had lost the one he loved the most in the world, the one who had kept him stable for periods in his life time. The near loss of everyone he had loved wasnt emotionally stabling to him. Only his son wallaby stayed, refusing to leave his dear father side. It was never an exciting blank page, a fresh start, or a choice to mason, but more akin of being naked in a blizzard. Lucy guessed she should do something about this stifled silence, to break it with a move, It is her own job to find an easful air around herself, so she made it towards him with an outstretch hand and that kind of desponded face usually reserved for your dissatisfaction. But mason startled like a deer in the woods, almost toppling as he took a large step backwards, entire face glowed up with pain and anguish. He let his face fall with gravity again. stepping aside while he slunk past not looking left or right, Leaving wallaby and his own regrets behind, alone. Wallaby wasnt ok at this point, blankly staring at the path his dad toke until distance obscured, hurt was welling in his son eyes, his dad looked broken. Lucy...lucy...Where did he hear that name before? Its repeated in his head many times, mentioned there and audiable by only one voice, his father voice. He unglued his eyes from the path and returned a stare for the woman in hopes for a small claricifation. She sighted him out from the corner of her eye, unable to look at him anymore. "So you..." "Miss..I-" "dont tell me that your name is wallaby...." He got it.

He finally got it.

That woman is his mother.

His Absent mother.

His heart jolts in pain. His jaw went slack with dumbfounded, eyes resigned surprise, brain stutters for a moment and his eyes take in more light than he expected, every part of him goes on pause while his thoughts catch up. Memories started to flood in every blood vessel in his brain, all of them are his five years old self, a beautifull young woman tugging along his side, she is nobody else but his mother lucy. All those stale pictures and voices clinging to his mind at a once. He can now recall them all. It was like he was living those moments, or visualizing them. Set of warm hands he would let hold him own clapping together before holding him off the ground and spinning his small body in the air, voice cradle his mind in familiar sounds, her soothing him from losing his favorite balloon or humming her favorite song at the kitchen. He still remember their last time playing together before the next day, he saw her with suitcases in hand, vanishing through the door, never coming back. For the first while he felt lost with not a single place feeling like home. However happiness found its way back thanks to mason treasured love. Time after time her presence in his life was erased. At this moment here, where he is meeting his mother for the first time after growing up. He felt that a part of his brain Where there should be certain memories is blank space, like a soft beige wall bereft of photographs. After a wash of cold he stepped out from the shadows and highlights of sundown. blazing sun descended, burning the sky in a powerful mix of amber and blood red. The dying sunlight seeped out behind sillhouet. Lucy spun around with her heals, back already facing wallaby in neglect, ready to go far away and leave him, again, in the same day he just met her. The rhythm of her heels clicking against the hard streets floor didnt stop wallaby from uttering his words. "Why did you leave dad?..." She paused her footsteps. "Why did you leave me?.." she stayed silent. How could she answer this? "You werent worth it, wallaby." He was raked with disdain, His eyes glistened with the pain of her betrayal, leaving wallaby with no alternative but to seek a new suspect of more harm, the truth of her innocence is discovered.

"You two were just old passers in my old life. Im glad l didnt waste it in you." Nobody around was heard, just continual taps of heels heading to a straight way. Stepping on her son heart each time they connect to the ground. Her kid steadily tracking her road until she completly escaped over the horizon. His eyes allowed her reluctantly to go past that orange lane, he was unsure about how should he feel about this new memory.

As the daylight dwindled the tension in Skye grew. Mason was in a slight crowded area in a specific street, Standing there on his own, doing nothing but giving a thousand mile stare into space, somehow the noised around doesnt affect any bit of his focusing. Wallaby had found him after taking some time for searching around, reaching him to be by his side. He never even said a single "hey..." to him. Instead, they both kept walking home in a queit sunset. Mason made no attempt to speak the whole way. Apparently, his young boy had expected this, as he kept shut too, mostly cause he didnt know what to say in this situation. Heavy sighs gracing each few minuts passes from the father mouth, did his eyes shine with the terror of his memories. Empty, yet They told a story of sadness, The dark lines around them didnt help much. He didnt mean to fall in love with lucy, but he did anyway, From the very first time he talked to her, he knew there was something so true in this person that reassure him he could be the true him. If only he had enough cohesion power to describe what happened that day to his loved son wallaby, but right now This was mason burden, his kid shouldnt be sharing it with him. His steps were dragged and movements forced. While the companion was down in the dumps, an inkling of wistfulness glimmer in soft eyes dropped to the corners. He fixed his eye toward the sky, wallaby always admired sunsets. But tonight, he felt blue, curbed. Not wanting to think about anything and just get back home to rest from this long day.

At nightfall the heat of the day would evaporate along with the last sunrays. At that night wallaby closed his eyes, head pressed on a soft pillow. hoping for sleep to take him away from this thing called reality. The darkness overtook him slowly, and he fell asleep. But For the first time, Little tears falling from his face.

[rhinointherain]

5-8-2020

Every coherent though is a chain of smaller thoughts Every (thought) is a combination of (feelings that you sense) Every (feeling that you sense) is an (amount of heat in a neuron) every (amount of heat in a neuron (degrees)) is a total sum of energy every total sum of energy is a neuron firing or not firing every neuron firing or not firing is the signal cells being released from the last neuron or not etc etc

Its all either off or on, one or zero, and the derivatives of them. It goes into the FOURTH dimension, the x axis is length (or time, the units) the y axis is x width (2d space) the z axis is x, height (3d space) and the other axis is derivative of x (4d space)

Every thing is a spectrum of itself underneath the 1

Each (x derivative) is an (x), each (x) is an (intergral/anti-derivative) of (x double intiderivative) and so on

Many peoples third eyes open within their lifetime, but only a fewer amount of people actually have the means tools etc to communicative what they understand effectively with the world and possibly harness it for productivity, which is what makes the difference between one of the greatest humans in history and a weird junkie

Kinda impressed by the fact that even despite having no language like this whatsoever to communicate with junkies can find a way to express these things in a way that other people whove gone through it can somehow recognize it

Or maybe they dont recognize what im recognizing at all, they are just communicating other more sensory aspects of “it” (act of third eye being open) and the people whose third eyes actually opened recognize these aspects

I can do anything now if only i remember what this was/is like. I can succeed in any field because I understand how all of them work in principal. Or at least if i remember what i recognize now well enough and can decipher it with enough focus to find a coherent way to use it

Being smart is the ability to recall them more quickly or the ability to understand their connections with each other better or understand them on a “lower” level ( the integral of x, x being thought). Maybe there is no “third eye opening” but its just that you get down on a level few people ever do. But there is no bottom it is an infinity of x into itself, also known as x derivative of x over x intergral of x

Hang on im starting to think of aspects of this i dont understand. Like what are coderivatives or whatever you call them. I cant understand where they fit into this because i dont remember exactly what they are. And time and space being two different dimensions (x and y) or space (y) being the derivative of time (x) oh wait that is exactly what im trying to say, i feel like it could be easier if writing by hand bc i could draw actual derivative symbols instead of counting on words u can type to express what im trying to say

(Wrote this last but put it here bc of organization) Remember this to help you understand: it isnt a chain bc its not just a line its in multiple dimensions. I.E. space. But it is because neurons fire in a chain I.E. time. We can only measure one direction in time but three in space.

Ok this is gonna make me sound even crazier as if I wasnt sounding crazy already. But time travel is not “movement” (one point to another) in the fourth x dimension aka 4th derivative of x (which would be to us like a wormhole), it’s movement in derivative of y? I think y, maybe i have this wrong. Neurons are oriented in space time. The amount of energy they have in them, their location in space (x,y,z coordinates), their location in time (along the x dimension) are all ways to describe the “point” they occupy in all dimensions. (Is the space time continuum represented by the x times xyz space section of all dimensions?)

Time travel is not just derivative of x, which is moving forward aka to the future, but integral of x which is moving “backward” in time aka the past

So not only can you move “outside” i e 4th derivative of x aka the fourth dimension of space (i didnt finish this thought. earlier and am trying to remember deeply enough what it said. It looked like it was a summary of the main idea that not only “” , but also you can move y derivates .” So you actually have an infinite number of dimensions being the derivative of one another in an infinite number of directions)

When they said everythings a fractal that was real

Things go in every direction all at once. And all those things go in every direction of their direction, which is infinitely more times greater than the first “every direction all at once” (which was infinity). Do you understand?

Good god. How did they figure this out. Like when you see media depictions of being high like tool album covers and stuff they have all that fractal stuff and when a sci fi movie wants to convey something deep the zoom in on the molecules until it looks like the universe zoomed out. They understand at least some aspect of this idea.

If i actually wanted my realization to be a groundbreaking thing i would probably need to spend a lot of years trying to convince people i wasnt crazy and only if i eventually effectively communicate my ideas across and spend a lot of time and energy to would it actually later seem like i were a tragic genius rather than a crazy person. also id need to try to hold on how i felt like when i was high for so long it would have a chance of disrupting my mental health/ability to function in society (same thing obvs) and driving me toward like hard drugs and that would not be good

Its so hard to explain the fourth dimension like i really dont think i could try to draw a representation of it like some people do (those cube things, i cant remember what theyre called), my conception of it is a lot more mathematical and verbal. But i still am pretty certain I understand it whether un-high me believes me or not

When youre trying to think about this stuff and you look away at your environment and think about memories and do other complex things that require much deeper chains of neurological communications in order to process them, it becomes a lot harder to focus in on these ideas because the complex things require a much higher/broader/vaguer level of though (higher broader vaguer being words we can use to try to understand what it means to be on a “higher level” as in OUTSIDE OF, DERIVATIVE OF X, IN THE FOURTH DIMENSION etc, just as like (above) and (below) describe location along the z axis if you think of the xy plane aka z equals zero as the “ground” and above means positive z and below means negative z.)

Its going to be harder than i thought to communicate this when sober lol but its still nice i was able to experience it lol

Other things to mention 1. Up until this point (but not after), some pieces of text are out of order than they were written, usually the paragraphs were all written together though not always 2. I wasn’t hallucinating per se but I understand how they work now bc some of the things in the corners of my vision, where my eyes are giving less attention to their light receptors, I’m seeing things off from how they actually are: I turn toward them and perceive them normally but when I turn away and theyre in the corner of my vision i see the distortion again. Its not like scary hallucinations or anything like for example I perceived a giant black slab like in space odyssey in place of the dark doorway, or a wall where there wasnt one. Its because my brain was focusing/thinking in different ways than its used to and so its less sensitive to the type of information it usually takes in from its environment and its interpretations of it are less precise and thus not entirely “correct”. Its a really interesting way of thinking about what it is that you actually notice and perceive. Like the experiment where they switch out the person asking for directions and the majority of people dont actually notice its a difference person

Yeah ok i cant really write much more bc im significantly less high rn, I could sit here the whole rest of the time and try to make sure I understand all this well enough each time I get less high but I really don’t feel like doing that its like, drifting farther and farther away and taking more effort to really grasp it with each drift towards sobriety and while thinking about how I might not understand all this stuff soon I’m tired lol and I appreciate the experience. Anyway yeah

More things I was thinking in the shower: Everything is a direction? And so everything is a dimension? Not just in space or time, thats only one section of it which can be described by a “shape” with three dimensions in the space orientation and one in the time orientation. All categories are their own dimension. In any given moment you are at an intersection of a certain (point) on [the shape representing the space time continuum] and all the other infinities

Question. Does the idea of god fit into all of this. “Who is doing the moving”—that would be god? “What is “moving””, etc. ? If “everything” is all infinities of infinities and this goes on infinitely, there is no possible way to be “outside” that infinity. Therefore you cant possibly “move” it all bc movement requires a force, and that force cant come from “outside” of it so therefore it all “moves” itself? How accurate is the term “movement” to describe what i am referring to? Which is our existence. Aka where the space time continuum is oriented within the “everything”. And by extent, where we ourselves are oriented within the space time continuum. I feel like i could represent this well with a 3d image. We are each our own space time continuum? With all this being understood i believe there is no possible way for us as humans to answer the question of whether there is a god, or what god is. I could be wrong about this but I dont think I personally would be able to. Same with the question of free will. The two are definitely interrelated. I feel like the ideas ive been saying can provide a different framework for talking about questions like this about god and free will and stuff, but the new framework would have to be engaged with/understood more fully in order to get any answers significantly more substantial than what we as humans have already.

“Third eye opening” is what i refer to this experience as but thats just an expression. The eye opening metaphor doesnt hold up super well when i actually think about what i mean by it. What i mean is the moment that you started to understand existence {in a certain way}, more “deeply”/“outside of just perceiving the space time continuum. But i dont think it actually necessarily refers to a specific threshold thats being passed, i just feel like ive reached a level today that is noteworthy because of how much i am able to understand. {In a certain way} is purposefully vague because again im not really sure if there is a threshold for what that certain way actually is, or how you might determine it. Its more that i reached a significant level of understanding existence today. But when people talk about the “third eye being open”, and they actually mean it, this is definitely in the realm of what they mean. Out of all the people in the world who make claims about having their “third eye open”, probably not very many of them mean something similar as i do when I talk about my experience of the third eye being open.

I was thinking about some other stuff as i was lying in bed i didnt write it down unfortunately as i was thinking it but i think it was pretty much repetitions of earlier ideas but elaborated in slightly different ways. overall the final thought was that in sum here are was that i not only can finally conceive of the idea of the fourth (spatial) dimension properly, but i also finally understand that the spatial dimensions are only one tiny “branch” of the many infinities of dimensions that branch into infinitely more infinities of dimensions. I understand now what is meant by “space time continuum” in relation to “everything else”. Oh one other thought i do remember having is that human “religion” (we talked in one my classes how difficult that word is to define) has very little to do with the actual god questions, i.e. what god is and what movement is and how god “works”, but not absolutely nothing to do with them. It’s our (humans’) very very very imprecise way of trying to address these questions.

And one other final thing. My first instinct was to spend hours thinking about how to best and most precisely communicate my understanding so that other people (and sober me) can understand it. I don’t understand why thats what I immediately jumped to doing and still feel the urge to do, when I could much more easily have decided that I was content with just understanding it myself and spending the rest of life knowing that I now have this special knowledge. I always thought i saw knowledge for the sake of knowledge as the ultimate pursuit but I guess I also have the drive to apply it somehow. I wonder if this is true for everyone on some level or not. Oh yes I also had been thinking about how difficult human language is to express what I’m trying to say because its not really equipped for it. like i just want to put quotations around every single word because words are just approximations for the ideas they are trying to express even when talking about ideas that our language is actually designed to describe, not even to mention trying to talk about stuff that it isnt. math concepts (even the few that I actually know anything about) are super super helpful to me in trying to think about and communicate these ideas and now I completely understand what people mean when they say that math is our best bet for being able to communicate with extraterrestrial intelligent life seeing as we have no way of knowing how other beings might perceive information. Wait a minute. Whos even to say that even if our definition of “life” didnt ever evolve anywhere else in the universe, there couldn’t be something else that wasn’t “alive” by this strict definition but not exactly “not alive” either. Like it didnt have “cells” exactly like earth organisms but it was somehow distinct from “not alive” things just like earth organisms are. Like the same way that viruses are neither alive nor not alive.

That article i had to read in cog sci about the “levels of understanding” (i.e. sociology is an abstraction of psychology is an abstraction of biology is an abstraction of chemistry is an abstraction of physics) is something that can fit into this understanding and probably led me to it too, seeing as I have thought about it a good deal since when i read it a few years ago. “...Is an abstraction of” is kinda like saying “is the derivate of”. Or is it like saying “is the integral of”, sorry I’m getting really tired.

Is “How” the integral of “what”, or the derivative?

Ok NOW i am going to actually sleep and instead of trying to think about this more i am going to be content with the fact that i now have all this knowledge.

Your neurons take a snapshot

Even if i am right about all this there isnt actually a point in conveying it and making it understood by other people. Even if it is an extraordinary feat to be able to understand all this it wont be seen as extraordinary (whatever that means) unless enough other people can understand it well enough to understand its significance, or someone who does understand it can make it relevant in some way to the rest of humanity and the functioning of society. I can wake up tomorrow and choose to say “lol i was so high and just rambling nonsense” and choose never to engage with these ideas again and go about my life like normal, or i can take on the burden of choosing to believe they are real, and then deciding whether i need to make them and their significance known (I dont even know if i know what their “significance” is, or if they have one). I dont know which one would overall be the better thing to do.

[isaacathom]

 jesus christ the more i think about them fighting the more difficult the scenario becomes to actually justify

though i can roughly track the idea. after the first failed attempt to ‘rescue’ Seora, which was a small team led primarily by the Captain (on a boner quest), the light kingdom sets up an army to full on storm the castle where she is being kept. the captain bursts down the door. Seora and Esther are waiting together in the main room, and probably with one or two more Warrior Maidens. It’s a last chance to negotiate. somewhat inevitably, it doesnt succeed. he has backup in the form of at least one Ritual Maiden (and someone that Seora knows personally). he also has A Gun. when he draws it, either Seora knocks it out of his hand and sends it flying across the room, OR redirects the bullet he fires and THEN knocks it out. the captains pretty peeved by this. of course he is. he wants to stick his assholish little peepee in this bitch and shes clearly been tainted by ~The Darkness~ so time to sort that out. a minor melee ensues wherein the goal is for one of the two sides to grab Seora and drag her back. Esther rushes in with sword raised and power ready to fuck up the Captain, so the two of them end up in their own tango. the Captains backup attempt to tackle Seora to the ground so she cant interfere (and also to recover her, i guess) while the Warrior Maidens attempt to protect her. She’s also protecting herself. In this complete chaos, the Ritual Maiden who was brought on this mission is left further back and proceeds to deflect Esther’s magic, leaving her to rely on her swordsmanship instead.

it then likely proceeds mostly as a straight up sword fight between the two, surrounded by complete chaos as both sides fight over Seora and Seora tries to get away so she can help Esther. At some point she is likely nabbed with some form of magic cancellation (which earlier on took the form of magic handcuffs that Esther used, but this time probably takes the form of like, a specially crafted gauntlet with the same properties. if shes ‘contained’ by such an item, she cant use magic. this is the advantage that the kingdom has, because all of their troops have stuff that cancels magic. it doesnt /work/ as protections, per se, but it works as PREVENTION. proactive, not reactive. like handcuffs dont stop bullets but they stop a guy from grabbing his gun) which prevents her from really protecting herself because her sole skill is magic. she has no training in self defence, or certainly not enough to be impactful to a great degree. 

at some point, that Ritual Maiden up back works out that Esther is focussing on the swordfight aspect and not the magic, and so starts using her magic to actively hinder her ability to proceed. Blinding light (which also hurts the Captain soooo oops), gusts of wind, making her blade slippery and hard to hold. its not anywhere near as effective as the Maiden might like, because Esther is a fucking professional, but it definitely puts her on the defensive rather than the offensive.

what probably cinches the deal for the Captain is Seora probably gets actually dogpiled as some point. like this guard is clutching her wrist p tight to prevent her magic and then in attempt to get him the Fuck off she backs up but then like tackling ensues??? it doesnt go great. she topples to the floor and its a notably /thud/. mostly because of the knights tripping on her dress but also like, yknow, 3 full people fell on the fucking floor. its a notable ENOUGH thud that Esther gets distracted. and because Seora stands out QUITE a bit in that chaos over yonder, its VERY obvious that she isnt there. as in, not standing up. she’s like 6′3 and pale blue with like plat blonde hair amidst a pile of sweaty knights of various heights but notably wider and all human coloured, and a pile of dark blue maidens with blue-white hair who aren’t anywhere near as tall. she’s the tallest fucker in the room. so her not being upright is immediately noticeable. she wouldnt necessarily be visible on the floor depending on where the guards are relative to her. Esther would lose her cool. even if just for a second, the fact she cant see Seora immediately disconnects her from the swordfight. from there, its a one two and the captain is holding her throat with his off hand and preparing his blade with the other. she lost the advantage.

its at this point that the Ritual Maiden backing up the captain likely loses her cool. Ritual Maidens, unlike their Warrior counterparts, arent military. they have very little connection to the military. her presence here basically came about because the Captain forced her to do it and managed to convince everyone it was necessary. she’s not a fighter, and she’s not comfortable with war. this whole scenario has been pretty upsetting for her. now, seeing the Captain preparing to murder Esther, she’s not taking it well. Neither is Seora, who can see whats happening between peoples feet.

in the tumble, whoever had a grip on Seora let go. she’s magically unrestrained, and seeing her friend battered and bruised and at the mercy of a guy she’s always thought was a Cunt, she probably fucking wind explodes. bwoosh. everyone in the crowd flies back. the captain wobbles but does not fall, and retains his grip on Esther throat, blocking Esther’s magic. the Ritual Maiden up back probably falls over and bursts into tears, completely removing any protections she had placed on the Captain (which had likely prevented him falling). Esther’s still on the ground desperately tryna claw his hand off but has probably briefly halted out of sheer ‘oh fuc’ which is reasonable but probably not the best choice she could have made. 

then  uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. yea. im not positive from there. if seora is sufficiently pissed and has time she’d just immediately blast the Captain off and then try to kill him. but she doesnt have time. so how does that occur? he has to stop her from taking direct action against him. for instance, by using Esther as a shield. Drop the blade, take both hands, pick her up and hold her by her neck in front of him, probably then grabbing one of her own daggers to use as the direct threat. you raise a finger, she dies. Seora, who has now gotten up off the floor, can’t directly react. she cant move him, because he’ll react by immediately drawing the blade. she’s short on time, because yknow, Esther is getting choked tf out. at best, she can stall for time by like. putting extra air around esther for her to get while she figures out a plan. that plan likely being to play off of the Captain’s superstition that she’s been tricked or possessed or something of that ilk by Esther. So if she can time a sorta heel-face turn properly, she can lull the Captain into genuinely thinking that her prior behavior was linked directly to Esther, and that Esther is now no longer an issue. its difficult to time, because it basically requires Esther to pass out, which is pretty dangerous. yknow, for obvious reasons. but if Seora can time it (perhaps pretending to partially lapse as Esther starts fading off and then ‘full lapsing’  BEFORE Esther actually passes out), then the Captain will drop Esther. Probably flinging her in the direction of her battered and bruised Warrior comrades (at least some of whom were probably killed in the chaos, as the same on the other side) and accepting Seora back.

The warrior maidens are absolutely furious. a) because they also think that the Captain just killed Esther, which is A HUGE ISSUE and b) that Seora was fucking with them the whole time. which is an issue, because of a lot of Seora’s time in the dark kingdom was spent with her and Esther convincing the other warrior maidens that Seora planned to help them. So Seora pulling a heel-face (or face-heel, in the eyes of the Warriors) is a complete betrayal of trust. a few of them might vaguely suspect its an act, but the whole group are very confused and very angry. for the most part, nursing their injuries (both from the fight AND from being flung willy nilly by Seora) they resolve to simply grab Esther and hang back. the Captain’s men start celebrating. at least one of them goes to comfort the absolutely distraught Ritual Maiden, who likely only got more upset when Esther was flung aside because UHMMM IS THAT AN ACTUAL DEAD BODY???? shes losing her poor mind. poor dear. today was not a good day.

the Captain, being that he is on a Boner Quest™, moves to claim his prize. Seora doesn’t fucking want it, you bet your fucking ass, but this is part of the plan. they kiss. the Captain is probably an awful kisser also, just to make that less fun. the light side cheer. the dark side wail. noones really paying attention as the Captain’s discard sword gently floats directly up into the air and then moves gently into Seora’s open hand. noone notices as she pulls her arm back and orients the blade. noone except the Ritual Maiden, perhaps, who sees it through her tears and attempts to warn someone, anyone. but the guards attending to her assume that she’s referring to past events.

shick. the dark side stop wailing abruptly. there a brief moment of silence as the light side also abruptly stop cheering, with the only noise being the Ritual Maiden’s wails. then Seora kicks the Captain away. he stumbles. before he can fall, she says some slick one line (while probably also spitting because odds are solid her mouth is full of his gross saliva and possibly his blood, nasty) and with windy magic, blasts his backwards through the wall. whoosh. there he. fucking goes. theres still quiet as everyone processes what the fuck just occured. Seora probably tosses the Captain’s bloodied sword to the floor (because what amateur would leave the blade in the wound? this is stylin) and thennn????? im not completely sure how she resolves that. because like, make no mistake, the Captain is dead. the Ritual Maiden is in complete distress and theres no way she can heal him in this state. Seora won’t. the dark side wont. even if he were collected and promptly rushed to the nearest willing AND able maiden, it’d be too late. everyone knows it. Everyone knows thats why she blasted him through the wall. he’s dead. Seora, nominal leader of the Ritual Maidens of the Kingdom of Light, just killed the Captain of Kingdom of Light Military. in their hearts, the light side all knew she was potentially capable of it. she’d attacked him the last time they’d come to get her, though to a far lesser extent. bruised in body and in pride, he’d survived. but they’d all bought into the Captain’s belief, because they had to. they couldnt believe that such a figure could kill without some tainting influence. they had to believe their superstitions, because the reality of the matter - that Seora had chosen her own side and was going to stand for it - was terrifying. it was a sort of moral quandary the kingdom of light hadnt been forced to wrestle with since the civil war.

but there she was. wild.

odds are solid the light side wouldnt retaliate. how could they? how could they attempt to harm the person theyd come to rescue? how could they fight her, when she had just killed their leader and had the power to kill them, too? the upper hand, psychologically, and in timing. she would see them move. she would react. she could preemptively attack.

the light side stood their ground and screamed. someone hesitantly began to move over to the hole in the wall, constantly stopping and looking at a motionless Seora, expecting her to stop them. when she did not, they gestured for someone else to come with and rushed through the hole. how could they not? they had to attend to the captain, no matter what.

its likely then that what brought Seora out of her brief ‘state’, if you will, is an involuntary sob from the dark side. after all, they’re still upset about Esther. and Seora is too. and its that sound, a sob from behind her, that snaps her out of her brief moment of contemplation. probably spits one last time (for now, at least - bet your fucking ass she washes her mouth out once this is all over as many times as necessary to feel like shes cleaned it) and then rushes to Esther’s side. everyones basically gonna stick to their sides for a while as the light rush to the Captain and the dark huddle around Esther and Seora. Esther is fine. she’s injured, but she’s fine. Seora is well equipped to help her recover, at least as a result of her wind magic being able to help Esther breathe. what with the choking and such. 

the first one to probably break the tense quiet is probably one of the Warriors. the defacto leader since Esther’s not really up for that right this second. its basically just something fairly simple - ‘i think perhaps its time for proper negotiation?’. one of the fighters gets up (leaving their weapons down) and approaches with an open hand. the defacto leader gets up and shakes their hand. the deal is set. everyone present in this castle will return to the border of the two kingdoms and negotiations will be had. the dark kingdoms creeping darkness will finally, finally, be dealt with. Esther bursts into absolutely delighted tears. its basically been her life’s work to get the two countries to work together. The Warriors, satisfied that Esther is fine and safe with Seora, come slowly over to the light side to help them tend to their wounds. everyone sorta mingles a little. the fighters who’d attempted to tend to the captain return from the other room and also help. esther and seora embrace a/o kiss. curtains close.

then the negotiations come and a solid chunk of it is arguing what should actually be done with Seora. because the light wanted her back, she WANTS to be with the dark, pluuusss she killed one of the military leaders straight out. noone can (or would) argue that it was some sort of crossfire incident. it was very deliberate. admittedly the only real witness is the traumatised Ritual Maiden who, understandably, really doesnt want to talk about it. so, yknow. it’s a tough negotiation. Seora is only allowed to take part as though she were on trial, basically explaining that the Captain has always been a dick and that yea, she doesnt deny killing him. like at no point does she deny it. she even explains - in detail if pressed - the moment she formulated a plan to attack him with intent to badly harm if not kill, and how she tricked him and used her magic to get his sword. the entire negotiating committee agree yea, she’s guilty, we get it. but what to do with that? Seora is probably willing to go to light kingdom prison provided the darkness cleanse goes ahead. so it’s possible her fate would be left up to the end of the negotiations once the plan of ‘attack’ has been agreed upon. its a big mess. she’s completely up for prison, but Esther is Very Adamant that this not be the course of action. im not actually sure how it could resolve without anger. potentially the dark kingdom offer to put her to work as the darkness cleanser. part of a grand metaphor to ‘absolve herself of sin in the eyes of your patron deity’. which could actually work. the light kingdom love that sorta shit. so if the dark kingdom said ‘hey, ok, an idea - we take her into our custody. we- im not done, hold on - we put her to work primarily in our agreed upon darkness cleaning groups. especially in the city, where the darkness is most concentrated. it’ll be hard work, we’ve established that, mmn? and, and, as she cleans away the darkness, she can clean away this mark upon her soul, dont you think? then hopefully when she is done - when the kingdom is clean - she’ll be capable of being forgiven. how does that sound?’. the only hitch would be ensuring she works. Esther is forbidden from saying a fucking word by the second in command, who is.... a bit more diplomatic on this specific front. Seora will be assigned to a group of assorted Dusk Maidens who will watch her 24/7. she will stay with them. if she doesnt work, punishment will ensue. if she doesnt work for a period of time - a few weeks, maybe - then the dark kingdom agrees to hand over Seora to the light kingdom to face a more.... judicial form of justice.

its uh. good fun. i’ve been here for three hours.

uh, tldr; Seora disarms the Captain, who orders his men to capture Seora. Esther goes to fight the Captain, while the dusk maidens and light army start fighting over a Very Unhappy Seora, who defends herself. Esther and the Captain fight with swords, with a Ritual Maiden backing up the captain and sabotaging Esther. just as Esther starts having to go on the defensive due to the Ritual meddling, Seora gets her magic blocked by a light army soldier who manages to grab her arm to stop her from fighting back or aiding Esther. in attempting to wriggle free, she falls back, followed by that soldier and possibly a few other people. Esther, being distracted by her gfs shenanigans, is quickly disarmed and pinned to the ground by the Captain, who starts choking her (cancelling magic) and prepares to run her through with his blade. Seora, on the ground and free of the soldiers grasp (and they had let go during the fall) basically explodes w/ the Windy Magic, sending the group blasting back. the Captain remains crouched where he is over Esther in part due to the Ritual Maiden, who falls over and starts crying. Before a completely unrestrained and pissed Seora can get up and prepare to fuck with the Captain, he drops his sword, picks up Esther, and positions her between him and Seora, and still choking her. Seora, thinking ~fast~, decides to play to the Captains superstition that she’s being controlled, and pretends that Esther’s control over her has lapsed, just as Esther starts proper passing out from the whole lack of air deal. Captain chucks Esther aside into the waiting arms of an absolutely distraught group of Warrior Maidens, and prepares to “claim his prize”. light kingdom cheers, dark kingdom boos and swears revenge (since they think Seora was pretending to be on their side the whole time) and ritual maiden keeps crying. then seora uses her magic to grab the captains sword (or maybe Esther’s sword, both are good) and uses it to run him the fuck through, before blasting him through at least one wall (holding onto the blade).

everyone freaks, she rushes to Esther’s side and uses magic (and/or cpr what the fuck do you want from me im way too gay for that to NOT possibly happen) to help her recover. eventually the two groups come to an agreement and start tending to their wounded and dead (including the captain who is straight up deceased fuck that guy).

then in the negotiations the big Issue (beyond the whole ‘cleaning the tainted darkness’ thing) is What the Fuck to do abou Seora. who absolutely and undeniably murdered a guy. the end result is more than likely that she is placed into direct Dusk Maiden servitude, ‘forced’ to cleanse the darkness under constant supervision. of course, what the light kingdom dont know or dont really comprehend is that she’s gonna get put into a squad including her basically gf Esther and a bunch of other Warrior Maidens who think she’s the bees knees, AND a bunch of other dusk maidens who have heard alllllll about her and adore her. she’s basically gonna get pampered as fuck. it’s gonna be great. she’s going to have a great time. she basically gets to do exactly what she’s wanted to do since a little after she was first kidnapped, AND gets to hang with a bunch of folk she thinks are pretty cool even if they probably tried to kill her or torture her at some point. she gets it.... to a point. there a few she doesnt hang with. everyones cool about it. 

tl;tl;dr;dr esther gets beat and then seora kills a man but then seora and esther get to be happy and gay so frankly it all works out Pretty Well