#which like maybe?? but thats a hell of a hoop to try to jump through

[earl-grey-love]

I hope all the queer characters in Mad M*n know how much I love them.

[necroromantics]

I dont know why people are still on about this shit but yall are tryna get on me about me being "abusive" towards my ex with BPD or some shit? The girl I met in the psych ward. Cuz I will tell yall about that relationship.

I met her when I was 15, and after we got out of the ward we dated for a month. During that entire time she would constantly threaten to hurt herself if I didn't give her all of my time and energy. I never blamed her for having BPD, but it was very hard on me especially as someone who lacks empathy and could not give her the emotional support she needed. I have always been very clear about this, to her and others in my life. Cuz people like to try and cancel me for having ASPD for some reason (???)

I do admit I was not the best boyfriend because I couldn't give her the support she needed. I tried to break things off with her and she smashed my computer, put herself in the hospital, and tried to guilttrip me into staying with her. After I finally broke shit off she would harass me for 3 fucking years afterwards, making alt accounts, shittalking my gf, etc. So before you try and get on me for not liking my ex maybe try and hear out the fact she would actively emotionally manipulate me constantly and make my life a living hell if I didn't give her what she wanted. I understand this comes from her very severe BPD, and also her just being weird outside of any mental issues she had, which is why she was in the psych ward in the first place.

My mother has BPD, so I've grown up taking care of her and dealing with her symptoms firsthand. I know very well, and I am very open about, my inability to handle those with BPD who have bad emotional regulation due to my lack of empathy for them. It doesn't pair well. Thats not my fault in the slightest?

That doesn't mean I'm abusive towards people with BPD or ableist towards them. It means I'm self-aware that I don't have the mental capacity to support those with BPD in ways that they need sometimes. I know that my ex was not a good example of those with BPD. I have many friends with BPD, I'm the FP of both my close friend and my girlfriend, and I do my best to help them out.

My current girlfriend deals with BPD and our relationship is very healthy. So for you to try and reach and say I'm abusive towards borderlines out of fucking nowhere when my past relationship was full of my ex actively harassing and threatening me, and my current one I put my heart and soul into, doesn't make sense at all.

Keep reaching though. People who actually know me, know this. Why do yall care so much about people with BPD and then jump through hoops to dehumanize someone with ASPD?

I don't owe anyone perfection. It is not my responsibility to live up to anyones standards while I spend a lot of my mental energy trying to recover and improve on my own mental health issues. Stay mad, just leave me out of it. And also thanks for victim blaming, really helps me out (sarcasm)

[northisnotup]

So, what about The Final Resting Place fic where Nureyev is the one to leave?

Imagine Juno waking up - intending to leave but there is no one to leave. Just cool space on the mattress occupied by a note. (Bc Nureyev is not Juno and of course he leaves a note scented with his cologne)

And Juno starts laughing, bitterly, until he's sobbing, helplessly.

Of course Nureyev leaves a note - its the same jumbled but legible writing, like he was stressed, like he was in a hurry, and Juno reads it and reads it and reads it.

How could two broken people love eachother so damn much?

Bc thats what Nureyev’s note condenses to:

I love you and I'm sorry

I love you and I'll ruin you

I love you and it terrifies me utterly

I love you, but i don't know who i am - how can i expect you to love me when i don't even know the person you're in love with

Its so bittersweet. Because they love and trust eachother. They don't trust or love themselves

It cements this irony in Juno's brain of 'i may hate myself but I love Peter Nureyev, for whatever that's worth'

It can't be much.

Without the guilt of leaving Nureyev he is a much more directionless Juno then we see at the start of s2 - he's just going through the motions until Ramses starts the ball rolling of 'you can be better, i can make you better'

And hell - if Nureyev left to 'find himself' maybe Juno can too?

Which is why Ramses betrayal hits so very hard.

...

The Time Gone By goes about the same, if a little more bittersweet because here are two people who love eachother through years and trauma and want to make it work again and Juno...wants that

He feels like he's taking his first deep breath after being submerged. Like - if they can do it, why can't he? What was he afraid of? Nureyev had already seen the absolute worst parts of him, the piece that said he was useless and wanted to give up and he loved Juno anyway.

(Meanwhile - Nureyev is hurling himself through the stars, through heists and plans and personae's, trying to find who he is - trying to find a Nureyev who is worthy of Juno Steel's love. He honestly does just miss the flight to Mars. He has high hopes for the legend that is Buddy Aurinko and who he could be at her side)

...

Nureyev is not posing seductively on the hood of the Ruby 7 when Juno stumbles into the belly of the Carte Blanche. He is barely in the room at all, standing half in the shadows.

He's gazing at Juno's face with all the longing of a left lover and all the guilt of the one who did the leaving and it's all Juno needs to see. (Bc he knows Nureyev. Knows his tics under pressure and through pain. Knows his most horrible secret and the gift of his name. Passively his mind notes all the little signs and signals that Nureyev would hide if he could.)

He throws himself forward, marching like a man on a mission and its a good thing Nureyev braces himself for a punch because that is what he gets

He doesn't brace for the kiss that follows it, wouldn't have even if he could. Juno fists his hands, one in Nureyev's shirt and one in his hair and crashes them together, not letting Rita's squeal or Buddy's laugh or Vespa's derision or his own aversion to the blood from where he just split Nureyev's lip stop him.

And Nureyev melts into him, hands so soft and so hesitant as they cradle his face in turn. He's whispering Juno's name against his lips, near chanting it like it can replace all the words he wants to say:

I'm sorry/Juno

I made a mistake/Juno

I'm still in love with you/oh, Juno

"Are you going to do it again?" Juno pants when the kiss ends - he feels the shudder roll through Nureyev as he prepares to scramble himself together, to make an excuse or do something that draws attention away to how stripped bare vulnerable he just was - Juno refuses to give an inch.

"Juno," Nureyev keeps saying his name like its the only word that matters. His lips twitch, parting on air and without any tumor or chip Juno knows the mental hoops he is jumping through - the urge to laugh it off, to make it lighter, to feign ignorance.

Juno leans up on the tip toes of his boots, pulling Nureyev down until they're eye to eye. "Are you going to do it again?" He demands roughly.

Nureyev's hands never left his face and he feels gentle thumbs sweep along his cheekbones. "No, i suppose not," he says, softly.

"Good. Me neither."

(Later, after Nova and after several 'conversations' both verbal and physical, Nureyev will pout at the mirror "Really Juno, did you have to punch me?"

And Juno will lean over his shoulder and press a kiss to the bruise on his chin, uncovered by makeup, "if I'm not firm with you, you'll never learn.")

[cnc-hoebayb]

“This dress....but nothing under..”

Chris casually givin me mad thirst after that video of dressing Bbg Joyce

So here’s something based on that part where he picked the sheer dress at first and was being a headass saying to wear it with nothing under

.

The summer heat of the day had left a rush of laziness flow through your body. You felt heavy and tired as you sprawled out across the cold sheets of your bed, wanting to just lay and rest of the day. But of course, there were events that needed to be attended to, leaving you forced to actually get dressed and ready for the rest of the night.

Your clothes from earlier in the day were thrown across the floor, your light pjs the first thing you wanted to slap on as soon as you and Chris had gotten home from a long day at the Zoo. The heat and events of the day hadn’t gotten to him at all, he was up and full of energy, getting ready even earlier in advance than needed for the event tonight. You groaned at him from your bed and tossed around the surface.

“How are you able to get ready now??? It’s hot and icky and I’m so tired dude,” you finish as you bury your head in the cold pillow. “No sé, baby, i just got hit with an energy burst. I’m feeling damn good.” You hear his smile from his position by your closet as he picks his outfit he had planned out for awhile. The thought of deciding what to wear and getting ready made your mind reel and fill with a weird sense of dread. You sit up finally, facing Chris as he stands at your closet and an impulse idea comes out your mouth.

“Can you just pick what i should wear too while your at it?” He stops what he’s doing and stares at you in shock. You stare back just as confused and ask what’s wrong with only a look. “Are you serious?” He says like he can’t believe and you shrug simply and repeat yourself.

“Uh?? Yeah? Just pick something out for me, i feel too lazy and i trust you enough i guess.” He tosses his clothes to the side and his eyes dart across your section of the closet, you can see he’s weighing his options closely. “Just show me before you make up your mind,” you add on and start playing around on your phone, listening to Chris move around and grab pieces of clothing.

“Something like this??” He lifts up a hanger that had a pair of pretty black ripped jeans and shows it off as his first suggestion. You stare at them and contemplate for a second. “Hmmm, they are cute, but it’s way too hot for tight pants love.” He “oooh”’s curiously in response and gets back to rummaging the space.

You watch him with a little smile as he concentrates on the abundance of fabric in front of him, the way he analyzes each piece for a hot second before moving on. He picks up this time a bright colored bodysuit, tossing it on the bed confidently and you can’t deny you were a little impressed with the choice. He’s searching in the closet once more with intent, looking for a specific something he knows he wants to go with the bodysuit.

“Uhh” He hums to himself a little anxiously, not being able to find what he needed. “Bro where are those one pants of yours?” He says frantically and you laugh at his word choices. “Headass, which one of ‘those pants’ do you mean??” You question and wait for his awful yet accurate description.

“The ones that are flowy... and black,” he slows down but his hands are still moving fast through each hanger in your section. “Theyre kinda thin, have little gold patterns around the leg, hug your waist, make your butt look really good.” And for some reason it’s that sentence and you know suddenly exactly which pants he means.

“Aw baby, those pants are dirty, remember? You spilt your milkshake on us both the other night.” His expression changes drastically, all plans of the bomb fit he had were completely tossed out the window over a technicality. You try quickly to change his mood before he got too down. “But that was a really good one you had in mind. Would’ve been dope,” you point towards another section of the closet, “just choose somethin else- maybe the dresses in the corner over there. Easy .”

Knowing Chris, he could finesse a good look just from one dress. Maybe he’d flash it up with shoes, maybe a jacket or something over it, ice the hell out of it with some good accessories. Whatever it was, you trusted him. Nothing could be too bad with the dress options that you had.

He scans the items once again, examining even with his hand under his chin like he was deep in thought. He perks up suddenly, diving straight in for your jewelery and other accessories- just how you thought. The sound of metal clacking together fills your ears as you scroll through your phone mindlessly, feeling the drop of everything he picked out plop next to you on the bed.

“Aight done.” He tosses your pair of shoes next to you and you finally look up, eyeing all the little things he set out around you. Only thing was... no dress. “As much as i love all these pieces,” you start sarcastically, fiddling around with all the jewelery in your hands, “i think they’d match better with actual clothes, babe.”

He smiles as you finish your sentence and jumps as he realizes he didn’t set the dress out. “OH!” He turns around and grabs a hanger off the rack, hiding it behind his back for extra surprise effect. You nod your head with anticipation, signaling to him you were finally ready to see what he had picked. He whips the hanger out in front of him with a quick “This..”

He stops and you’re both quiet before you start to question, “wait ? With wha-“ “-BuT nothing under.” He interrupts and answers you with the end of his sentence. Your mouth is hung open, not sure if by confusion or a maybe a little shock. You laugh it off as a joke.

“Thats a good one, got me there.” He holds up the dress higher to see it better in all its glory and his face is serious. “I’m not joking dude.” He throws it over to you and you catch it. “Now get ready, perezosa.” You hold the dress in your hands and examine it closer. It was how you remembered it when you bought it. Short, above the knee, little white dress, beautiful lace patterns across the bottom and right around the bra line. The one thing you must’ve forgot??

The entire thing was completely sheer lace all the way around.

“Chris.” You call him and he looks up from buttoning his shirt cluelessly. “Qué?” You squint your eyes at him to see if he was playing dumb or not. “This dress is totally see through,” this time he looks at you the same exact way, peering down at you with a confused expression. “And??” You roll your eyes in protest.

“I cant wear this in public, that’s crazy I’d be literally naked.” You argue and you finally see the curtain fall from his prank as he holds in a tiny smirk to himself. The smirk grows bigger as you realize and express it with a quiet “ooooh nuh uh.” You throw your hoop earrings at him aggressively and scream “you dick, i totally believed you! !!” His cackle echoes in the room as he takes the hit of the earrings followed by about 6 rings immediately after.

“I just wanted to see if it’d work,” he shrugs and playfully throws a ring back at you, walking back to the closet to pick something real this time. “Not gonna lie, it’s kinda good. Just not for a public event.” You admit and play with the fabric in your hands. His back is turned to you unknowingly as you stand up and remove your clothes. You throw on the dress over your bra and underwear that definitely did not match, and gaze at the mirror to see how even just this looked.

Not bad. All your intimate bits were covered; which was good, but for sure still showed off all you had to offer. “I kinda like it,” you think out loud and Chris turns around to see what you’re talking about. He stops dead in his tracks as he’s face to face with his outfit creation almost at its full capacity. His cheeks flush red and he’s a little flustered. “I d-didnt think you’d actually.. i mean it’s not completely- but it’s still.. you look really good wow.” He stutters and your confidence levels rise and your heart feels loved.

He creeps his way over to you slowly, pulling your bodies together in the last few inches by tugging the loose bottom of your dress. His hand rests on the curve of your back and he’s so close he has to look all the way down at you to meet your glance. Your body shakes from the intimacy of his look, the feel of his hand and body so close to yours. Even though you were technically clothed, the ultra thin layer between you still made everything more sensitive.

He lifts your chin with his finger and you feel his hit breath as he leans in to whisper in your ear. “Not too late to change your mind about nothing underneath..” You swear you almost moan out loud for just that, but you swallow hard as he catches you off guard, walking you backwards to the foot of the bed. Your butt hits the edge and you take no time to lean back onto the surface, Chris pressing himself over you, spreading your legs with skill so one is already hugging his waist tightly.

“Chris,” you whimper out as he paints you with by far the hottest neck kisses you’ve ever had. “Do we have time?” He grinds his hips into you as part of his response, showing you how eager and ready he was. His hand glides with ease underneath your dress, running against your skin like silk. His tongue slips against your own as he pulls away for a second, licking his lips slowly and heavily as he looked at you with dark glossed over eyes. “Of course we have time. Look how much easier it is to undress you....”

[cruecifymesixx]

Love and Leather /part thirteen/

Word Count: 2.8k (I’m so sorry I got carried away)

A/N: if anyone wants to find/make gifs for me I would appreciate you forever. feedback is appreciated.

Warnings: language, angst

Taglist: @oskea93 , @brideofdraculana, @miserablecunt, @electradestiny, @dangerous-like-a-loaded-pistol, @inthebackofmycarlaytheirbodies, @xstarryeyes, @fandomshit6000, @venus-calum, @justjodeye, @supernaturalvikingwhore, @anntheboneless, @tiranni, @brooklyn-antiques, @are-we-real, @hi-my-name-is-riley, @extremesadnerding, @awkwrdcait, @thatbandchick39, @countrygirlswonderland, @myheadisinvaded, @dillightfulpickle, @baiabouk, @awesomealmostdopestudent, @madsthegroupie, @balladblood, @martabastic, @hoop-diddy-doo, @romanticvengeance, @tashy-bear, @krazykatkay456, @shinobi-nobi

I pulled into the gates of my moms house, sighing in relief that her car wasn’t parked out front.

I parked the car, jogged inside then began tip-toeing to the stairs.

“Vanity? Is that you?!” I heard my mom yell and I stopped before I got ahead, “Yeah?” I croaked, watching as she walked out of her office.

“Where the hell have you been all night!?” She marched over to me and gasped, her hands covering her mouth, “And what is all over your neck?!” She said, grabbing my face and tilting it upwards examining the love bites Nikki left on me.

“Is Greyson home?” I asked her, “Yes, and he told me you guys went to that concert! What in the world are you thinking Vanity!! Are you even thinking?!” Mom continued to yell in my face,

“Mom he wanted to go! You can’t shelter him forever.” Mom smirked, “I am not sheltering him. He just doesn’t need to be around that environment and those kinds of people Vanity! I am his mother I know what is best for him...did you let him drink?”

Yes.

“No mom, of course not.I didn’t I’m not an idiot.” I huffed, rolling my eyes, “We went to the concert and then he asked me to take him to a friends house afterwards so I did.” I lied to her and she tilted her nose up and nodded,

“And where did you go?” She asked while crossing her arms against her chest, “I Uh...I went to hang out with Tommy.” I told her without meeting her judgmental gaze, “And who is tommy?” She questioned me,

“The drummer of the band...” I trailed off while noticing my brother walking down the stairs noticing the bags under his eyes,

“Is that who did this?” She asked while jabbing her finger into the side of my neck, “Mom!” I shouted, gently smacking her hand away. “Then who did this to you? Why would you let anyone degrade your body like that.” She said in distress, “Mom you’re being dramatic! It’s none of your business!” I said sharply, snapping at her.

“Greyson...do you have any idea who could of done this to your sister?” Mom demanded him, his eyes darting at me while I mouthed the word No behind her back,

“I Uh...I-“ He stammered over his words, “You better tell me right now Greyson Dean Blackwood or so help me god I will stick my heel so far up your ass.” Mom threatened him, and my eyes went wide. She was legitimately pissed,

“It was Nikki.” My brother spat out, “Dude!!” I yelled at him, “I’m sorry!!” Greyson shouted back at me. Mom turns her attention back to me, a stern look on her face.

“And who is Nikki? Is he in this Motley Crue band?” She asked and I slowly nodded, “He’s just a guy, Mom. You’re making such a big deal out of this and it really doesn’t need to be!” I shouted,

“Not a big deal!? You’re going around whoring yourself out! Your dad is rolling over in his grave right now!” She yelled at me, taking me back in shock.

“I am not!! I haven’t had sex with a guy since Julian! You know nothing about him and you’re judging him!!” I yelled back, almost in tears having to repeat his name.

“I don’t have to know anything about him to know he is nothing but trouble! You are not to see him ever again, do you understand me Vanity!?” She yelled inching closer to my face.

“You can’t forbid me from seeing anyone! You know what? Fuck this house, fuck this company and fuck you. I’m leaving.” I yelled at her, only resulting in a slap to the face.

I held the side of my face and looked looked up at her. She looked mortified of what she just did, “Van...” she tried saying but I turned around, quickly walking up the stairs to my room.

Once I got to my room, I leaned against the locked door and took a few deep breaths in trying not to have a total freak out episode. I slowly kicked off my shoes and flopped down in bed face first and went to sleep not bothering to shower or get changed.

About three in the morning.

I was laying on my bedroom floor almost halfway finished through packing up my stuff. I had already booked my flight, which was in six hours. I couldn’t wait to be away from my mother and be back in Los Angeles. I haven’t left my room since Mom slapped me. If I did, I wouldn’t have been able to control my mouth or actions.

My thoughts were interrupted when there was a faint knock on the bedroom door. I perched myself up on my elbows and looked at it, “Come in!” I shouted quietly, but the knocking continued.

I got up and walked over to the door, “Jesus Christ I said-“ I immediately stopped talking and pulled him into my bedroom,

“Nikki! What the fuck are you doing here!” I yelled at him but he laughed, “That’s what I get? No ‘good to see you Sixx’?” He said with a smile, causing me to roll my eyes.

“How did you get on the property?! Forget that, how do you know where I live!” I quietly shouted, not wanting to wake anyone up.

Nikki shrugs, looking down at me. “I just asked some people where the oh so rich Blackwoods house is...or should I say mansion....this place is a fucking castle.” He said and I walked away from him and continued throwing stuff into my luggage, “More like a fucking prison.” I told him,

“That bad, huh?” He asked while taking off his jacket and sitting on my bed, “She freaked out, and slapped me.” I told him, Nikki’s eyebrows raising, surprised by her actions.

“Man, do all the woman in this family slap everyone or what?” He said while laughing, “Shut up! You’re gonna wake someone up.” I told him and he pretended to zip his mouth shut.

“Why are you even here?” I asked him while going over to my dresser, pulling more clothes out.

“I dunno.” Was all he said with a shrug, I looked at him and squinted, “Are you drunk? High?” I questioned him, “Actually Vanity, I do know how to stay sober.” He said in a matter of fact type of tone.

“Right.” I blankly said, causing him to crack up in a huge grin, “I’m just messing with you, I’m fucking coked out.” He said while pulling out a sack, and I quickly grabbed it from him, “No! Not while my mom is down the hall!”

“Oh c’mon, Van!” He groaned while laying back on my bed, “maybe I should just go introduce myself to your mom.” He said as if he was contemplating the idea,

“Nikki, you broke into her house and trespassed on her property, she will have a fucking heart attack.” I told him, causing Nikki to let out a small laugh,

“Okay so maybe I did jump the fence, and maybe I did pick the lock at the front door...but I just wanted to see how you were.” He explained and I smiled to myself while folding clothes.

“My own personal Romeo.” I said and he laughed, “Thats fucked up, they ended up committing suicide together, we aren’t doing that.” He said while getting on the floor, laying next to me.

“We? I didn’t know there was a We.” I joked with him,

“I didn’t mean it like that obviously, you couldn’t handle being with me.” He said smugly, causing me to laugh.

“And how do you know that?” I questioned him while looking down at his face , Nikki already looking up at me. “Cause you’re you, and I’m me...that’s why. We come from two very opposite ends of the spectrum.” He replied and I nodded.

“And you say we’re not Romeo and Juliet.” I laughed and he rolled his eyes and chuckled, “when did rock and roll bad boy Nikki Sixx become such a softy?” I asked him,

“I’m not doll face, but I am for you.” He said and took my hand and placed a kiss on it,

“Vanity.” There was a soft knock on the door as I heard my moms voice, “just a minute!” I yelled back, “you gotta hide!” I said while pushing Nikki into my closet, slamming the door, a big goofy grin plastered on his face.

“Yeah?” I said out of breath and fixing my hair while facing her, “You okay? I thought I heard talking.” She said while entering my room and looking around, “No, just me.” I told her while sitting on my bed,

“I’m sorry for earlier, I am your mother and I needed to be in control of the situation, that is my fault.” She said while sitting down on my bed next to me. My eyes glancing to the closet every now and then, hoping he doesn’t make a noise.

“And don’t worry, when you go back you’ll still have access to all of your accounts. I just want you to be careful Vanny.” I stood up in frustration,

“I don’t understand! I was there for two years before you ever took an interest in what I was doing there. And then I come home a year ago and tell you what I’ve been doing and you flip out!” I raised my voice and she sighed,

“Just be careful of who you surround yourself with. I adore Lucia and Tonya but these guys-“

“These guys are my friends mom....you’re basing an opinion of them off what the damn television and magazine say.” I tried explaining to her but she wasn’t buying it,

“So you’re telling me they don’t drink heavily, do illicit drugs? Nor do they have sex with various women?” She question and I looked away, letting out a laugh.

“Exactly my point, Vanity. Why would you even want to be friends with them? Are you doing drugs with them too? Are you sleeping with them?” She continues asking way too many questions for my liking.

“Mom, would you just stop!” When I shouted at her something fell in my closet,

“What was that?” Mom asked while getting up and walking over to the closet. I ran both of my hands through my hair, panicking.

Mom opened up the door and let out a startled yell, “Who the hell is this?” Mom said while dragging Nikki out of the door by his shirt.

“Uh...uh...that’s uh...” I couldn’t get a sentence in out of my mouth, “I’m uh Nikki...Nikki Sixx.” He said while sticking his hand out, but mom never shook it.

“Why are you in my house?” Mom questioned him, “Ma’am, I just wanted to make sure she was okay, she had a rough night and day.” Nikki explained,

“Rough, as in partying?” I sighed and sat down on my ottoman while I watched them bicker,

“Vanity is a big girl, she can take care of herself. Myself and my band mates always look out for her whenever she’s with us.” Nikki tried explaining to my mom.

“So you get her drunk and give her god knows what just to degrade her body! Real good friend you have here, Vanity!” Mom yelled while looking at me.

“I didn’t do anything to her that she didn’t fucking want me to.” Nikki snapped at her, causing me to quickly get up and get in between them,

“Stop, please Nikki.” I whispered while putting my hands on his waist, lightly pushing him back. “I would never do anything like that to your daughter, I care about her.” Nikki said while putting his arm around me, trying to get me to move but I didn’t budge.

“Oh Yeah? And how many girls do you tell that to on a daily basis?” Mom said with arrogance oozing out of her mouth.

I looked up and saw Nikki’s lips form into that infamous smirk of his.

But mom didn’t stop there, “Keep whatever diseases you’ve gotten from those groupies to your self, my innocent Vanity doesn’t need any other problems. “ Mom said, causing me to immediately turn around, “Mom!” I yelled, but she just shook her head.

“If only you knew..” Nikki stopped himself and I stood by them, “You’d know she’s not as innocent as you think she is.” Nikki said, a devilish smirk plastered across his pink lips.

Nikki shook his head, an angry smirk on his face. He lets out a scoff with a slight laugh, while glaring at my mom. “Innocent? Yeah, okay. Hey Van, wanna tell your mother how you were the one begging to be fucked by ME, last night? Oh, and before i forget to mention, after the hours of partying, doing lines, AND your little Jack chugging contest with Tommy? Ring a bell, sweets? “ Nikki kept going on and on, and I could feel my face getting paler by the second. ‘yeah, let’s see who can finish an entire bottle of jack the fastest without puking! Loser does coke off that girls tits. ‘ Nikki said, mocking my voice.

Moms hand instantly came up and struck Nikki in the face, “Mom!!” I yelled out, quickly looking over trying to check on Nikki.

Nikki’s hand touched his face in somewhat shock. “Are you okay?” I whispered, trying to put my hand on his face. He looked back up, anger present by the darkness of his hazel eyes. He let out an angry laugh and shook his head. “Wow, like mother like fucking daughter. “ Nikki said out loud, his eyes locking on mine, but I couldn’t help but start laughing.

“I’m so sorry.” I said, unable to control myself. Nikki’s scowl slowly started turning into a smile, as mom watched us both.

“This is just fantastic.” I continued, trying to catch my breath and wiping away a tear, “Nothing about this is funny, Vanity.” Mom stated and I looked at her,

“I hope I never have to see you again.” Mom said glaring at Nikki. I bit my lip, trying to keep in a laugh, “Same to you, Mrs.Blackwood.” Nikki said, “I will see you in the morning.” Mom said and left the room, closing the door on the way out.

“I’m gonna kill you.” I said while shoving him, but he just laughed and wrapped me up in his arms, “Your Mom should also learn to watch her mouth around me, just like you should.” He said and I rolled my eyes, breaking free from his embrace.

“She needs to know the real you, Vanity.” Nikki said while laying down on my bed, “I agree, but she doesn’t need to know everything like what I do or what I put inside of me like blow or all the alcohol.” I told him and he sat up on the edge of the bed, and motioned for me to come over to him so I did.

“What?” I asked curiously while looking at him, “How about we finish what we started earlier, and I’ll tell you what we can put inside of you.” He said in a deep voice, almost making my knees buckle. He wrapped his arms around me while trailing his hands down my ass, “Thats a hard no, Rockstar.” I said while shoving away from him, but he planted one hard smack on my ass, which made me moan, “Oh?” Was all he said with a smirk on his face.

“You should go, we’ve wasted enough time and I still need to finish packing.” I told him and he groaned,

“Alright, I’ll see you when I’m back home.” He stated while looking down at me, but I had to look away from him, but he put his hand on the side of my face and made me look at him.

“You’re so fucking beautiful, Van.” He said, eyes full of lust. I sighed while putting my hand on top of his, and gently rubbing my thumb across it. He lowered his head and gave me a kiss, sending volts of energy through me. He pulled away and I slowly opened my eyes.

“Goodnight Doll.” He said and I smiled at him, “Goodnight rockstar.” I told him and he gave me a wink and walked out of my room.

I fell on my bed and looked up at the ceiling. I was feeling jitters in my stomach. I sighed, as much as I hate to admit it, my mom is right. I’ve seen how many girls Nikki and the boys have been with and have only heard the god forsaken things they did with them. I know my mom has the best intentions for me, but i’ve gotten this far without her, and I’ve been okay.

[colitisandme]

The health assessment paperwork from the DWP arrived a few days ago because just in case I didn’t have enough pain in my life, I am being assessed to see if I am just ill enough to qualify for a PIP. This was my doing (stupid past me) but it was necessary, as I am poor and stringy and jobless due to ex work cutting my probation short after being signed off sick and ultimately because I couldn’t work due to extreme ill health, sending me on my merry way. So short of selling my organs, (which I didn’t think anyone would want) I need some financial help. I must admit that I was dreading the form arriving as I hate filling out health/medical forms. I hate that someone who has no idea what the hell its like to be living with a condition makes a judgement on your illness. It’s like when you used to go to the fair and you play the game where you have to smack the big red button with a hammer to see if you can ring the bell at the top to prove you are indeed the strongest of them all, and win a prize and if you can’t hit the bell then you get nothing.

In my imagination, this is what my PIP assessment will be like. Some cruel lab of torture equipment and experiments designed to push my sanity and health to breaking point, to ascertain if I reach the correct level of illness needed to meet their impossible criteria and get some pennies. Maybe I will be asked to eat an entire chocolate cake with my hands tied behind my back, desperately trying not to swallow the key they have hidden at the bottom of the cake, that once I have found by using my face to dig through all the folds of deadly cream, jam and chocolate, will allow me access to the bathroom. Then 6 medical doctors and DWP officials will crowd into a glass sided booth as they all watch me flop about like an angry walrus, desperately trying to open the door to the bathroom with my teeth, trying not to explode or fart due to ingesting some of said cake. As a tiny woman in an oversized white, medical coat times me with a stop watch, and measures my pain on a barrometer of bowel distress, and a wiry gentlemen with spectacles collects my sweat in a jar to see if it reaches the desired amount to qualify. Or maybe they will bring out Colin the ‘colonoscopy chinchilla’ complete with camera, to perform an on the spot surprise colonoscopy and, with the help of treats and moral support, (all 6 Drs will encourage him to be a good fellow) he will be cajoled to take a quick run up my colon to inspect my digestive system and report back his findings.

And if the medical assessment doesn’t bring me out in a sweat, hives and ensue a barrage of colourful language, the paperwork has done.

40 pages! 40 pages? Seriously??? I was under the misapprehension that pips are small annoying, but innocuous things, found in fruit that get discarded before you put them in a pie or desert. But not this one. When it arrived it nearly knocked me out, as the postman pushed it with such force through my letter box it nearly careered into my head. Whilst being thankful a government document hadn’t caused me concussion, I wondered how many trees were felled in order to make this booklet. It was heavy. I groaned. I procrastinated. I did everything I could think of doing before opening it. When I did get up the courage and flipped through the pages. I got angry. Really angry. In my opinion this was designed by a very disgruntled, Demon or group of Demons who spend their eternity coming up with new pays to torture, annoy and otherwise hack people off by designing horrendous health, medical, disability financial assessments. These arsehats then get infinite pleasure watching people swear, cry and pull their hair out over completing these blasted things whilst we poor sods, curse the very day someone came up with the infernal idea.

These gargantuan sized documents are sent to the most vulnerable. Those who who live on their own, who are isolated, who have a multitude of illnesses, those who are penniless, crying out for help, who are at their wits end and they have to sift through 40 intimidating looking, cocking pages, fill in all the nitty gritty about their disability, gather evidence, and then after all that, after probing through every aspect of their illness, writing down how it effects them, how it effects others, if they can toilet, dress, eat, which is upsetting at the very least, and humiliating at most, they will then be told to appear at a time and place to be assessed by a DR they do not know, answer more questions then wait for god knows how long for an answer. And even after all that they could be told they are just not ill or disabled enough to qualify but thanks for playing anyway! Is that helping the vulnerable? Really?

I haven’t completed it yet. I am nervous that because I am not answering ‘yes, I get this with the most degree of severity every millisecond of every day’ to every question then it’s just going to be laughed at and chucked in the shredder. Because here’s the thing. There are days and moments and seconds where I don’t chew my fist in pain, there are times when I can eat without hurling a plate across the room because the pain of eating has literally taken my breath away. There are days when I can do housework, tidy up, cook, go out, socialise, manage a few days without extreme joint pain or fatigue taking over my body, making me feel like I have run a marathon underwater. And sure not every single day I stagger to the kitchen to fill up yet another waterbottle as it’s the only thing that will help my belly. However there are also days when I am in so much pain my husband has to help dress me/ undress me because I can’t move, there are days when I can’t eat at all because it feels like there are boulders in my stomach. There are seconds I want to cry with the frustration of not being able to go out, there are moments when I am so tired, all I can do is crawl to the sofa. There are minutes when i am cursing the fact my immune system is so low I am battling another cold and wondering how long this one will last. There are hours I spend on the loo either going too much or not at all, desperately trying to breathe through the discomfort. Because one minute, hour, day, week, month is not like the other. So how is illness or disease or disability quantifiable or justifiable in their eyes? What measurement of pain is enough to get help? What level of health is perceived as the right level to govern some kind of support? How high does the metal strip need to travel on the strong man game to let us hit the bell and win the prize?

Pain is pain. Disability is disability. Chronic long term illness is Chronic long term illness. I have a disease. Thats it. Who can judge what’s acceptable for help and what is not? But in the end despite my anger and misgivings I have no choice but to fill it out and send it off because, I like many others, need the help and financial support. So even though I am being forced to jump through hoops, like a fat seal at a circus, it’s the only thing I can do, so I will do what they want. They will judge me, they will scrutinise what I write on this form and what I say, and I will try my best to prove how ‘strong I am to get the prize at the fair’, and continue to hope that one day, the crazyness will end for everyone.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this might not even be enough for me to have a casual friendship, honestly. 

i sent him a few messages this morning. it really bothers me and has always bothered me that i cant speak to him like i would everyone else. like this is my personality, this is who i am. i shared two songs with him, told him i didnt really want to do yoga on a regular basis in a class setting but was willing to attend a few classes with him or dedicate time to something like music lessons. i mentioned i was going to cut my hair and finally, i asked if i wasnt invited, isnt he sad to leave? 

i got no response to anything. i sent him photos of my haircut an hour and a half ago and got no response. 

really? like this is what i would do to any friend i had. sometimes i do all of the above at once to my friends too. they just respond in the same fashion. if they dont have anything to say its like a thumbs up or a ‘lol’ like something to respond to what ive said. 

to get absolutely no response at all - like i gave him multiple ways to go about it. he couldve ignored half of it. he couldve just responded to one. i sent these messages at 9am. its 9pm now. even my casual acquaintance friends respond faster than this. this is what i mean about jumping through hoops for me to have a conversation with someone. an to have them sit there and tell me they love me and they want to “have me in their life” but ignore all my messages. its not like im being dramatic and serious - i thought i was being light and open and just myself. 

do you know what i would do if i sent a picture of my new haircut to my close friend? and they hadnt replied for awhile? 

‘biiiitch u did not even care about my haircut how could you’ 

but now im “pestering” someone. no, im pestering him. i wouldnt be pestering anyone else. im not even trying to fuckng hang out wit him or see him. 

i didnt spend my day focused on this. i knew that i needed to do this because it was time to ~take care of myself so i walked to the store early morning, met up with a friend and then spent 5 hours dying my hair and cutting it and during this time i actively worked to not be thinking of this. i came home and thought you know what im not going to lay in bed right away. im going to clean my room and mop the floor and washed my face and brushed my teeth and finally i was like hey ill send a picture of my haircut.

like in all of these hours of the day you could not at any point acknowledge these messages. fuck me man this is not even love. this is not even fucking love. this is why im upset. this is the only real reason im upset - i’m being lied to and maybe he doesnt even know hes lieing to me but i’m flat out being lied to. how can you say you love someone and not even acknowledge them when theyve spoken to you? like holy fuck this is like the very least anyone could do. and the question i asked is not even that bad. like just say, “yeah im sad but not sad enough not to make the change” understandable. i just want to hear it from him. 

this is not love. this is not love. i dont know what love is but this is not it. no matter what he says it doesnt matter this is not love. even if he responds tomorrow honestly thats not even enough to care. like when he said “i cant give you what you need” i didnt think it meant a FUCKING CONVERSATION. 

if he did not fucking tell me he ~ loved me and ~he wanted me in his life i wouldnt be doing any of this id just ignore him and work on getting over the whole thing. why the fuuuuuuuck would you drag me through such shit. man even the “i love you but im not IN love with you” would have worked to some degree. 

i sent my final message, “when you asked what you could do to be better family; responding with literally anything at all to a message ive sent in a 14 hour period would be a good start”

which i think is honestly completely fair and i am communicating that this is a problem for me and i find it unreasonable in a friendship. no matter what i manage to convince myself on from here, it’s completely within reason to communicate that this behavior is upsetting to me and i feel i deserve and expect better. 

however i think i threw him off yesterday. i keep picturing my necklace hanging on his rearview mirror. it was such a small detail that in all my sobbing and giant mess of heartbreak i stopped and realized he did love me. he couldve tossed it in his room. he couldve done anything with it. but he chose to put it in a place hes going to see every fucking day. everytime he gets in the car, hes going to see it and be reminded of where it came from. when other people get in his car and ask him he will have to tell them where it came from. 

i think he wanted nothng more but to be with me still. and i couldnt do it. i couldnt keep up the act and go through the routine because im so tired and hes leaving anyways and its soo painful and its not even about like him going with other people or dating other people it’s just the pure loss of him. if you love me, doesnt it make you sad to leave me? i love him and i’m sad as hell. 

i broke into his email because im insane to find that he was going to personal training today. 

he tries to sell me on the most ridiculous shit.