#which means it's that urge for me to reboot this fic back with more refreshing ideas and also changes of the whole character line

[gxtzeizm]

that feeling when you found a local drama series that being originated from a local streaming platform in which the plot reminds you of a fic that you wrote 6 years ago

[copperbadge]

Sam, have you ever had the urge to erase your fannish existence (delete the works, hang a sign on the tumblr, pack your bags and move away)? This is where I’m at right now, not for falling out of love with fandom or writing in general, but just because everything—EVERYTHING—is so bleak, and fiction of any sort doesn’t seem like a part-time escape anymore, it feels like avoidance. Is this an impulse you’re at all familiar with? Have you ever wanted to just—undo it?

In fandom, almost everyone I know has wanted to either leave or reboot at one point or other. I know some who did! Or who didn’t want the level of attention they were getting, so they deleted and started over under a new name.  I respect and understand those urges, certainly. I can see why someone wouldn’t want to deal with a certain amount of traffic and the level of negative attention that just statistically comes along with it. And I can see how you might feel the way you feel, too, though I think what you’re vocalizing is different from what I’ve usually encountered in the past. 

So I think there are really two issues to address here and I’m going to get to the more important one first: it’s not that you don’t love fandom or writing but that you feel like fiction has become an avoidance instead of an escape. That’s a delicate but important distinction, because escape, in measured doses, is not only healthy but necessary, especially with reality the way it is. Escape is what allows us to rest and refresh before going back out into the world.  

Avoidance is a mechanism for not doing the things you need to do to maintain a healthy life, be that mental, emotional, or physical health. It might be analogous to the difference between a routine and an addiction. 

But I think also, because it is a delicate distinction, then the question you really need to be asking yourself is, which would be healthier for me -- doing this, or doing something instead of this? Because really, the option isn’t “doing fandom” or “not doing fandom”, not doing something is just an absence. But, say, if you’re doing fandom and not doing your homework (or not doing your job, to an extent it’s imperiled), that’s an avoidance issue. If you’re doing fandom because you need a break from reading the news, that’s not necessarily unhealthy. And only you can really work out whether what you’re doing is healthy for you. What would you be doing with the time and energy you spent on fandom? And would that make you happier or less happy, in a large-scale view? (I have this issue with video games. I love them! But whenever I’m playing them I can’t help but think of all the other stuff I could be doing. No judgement on people who game, there’s no reason they SHOULD BE doing other stuff, I just can’t help that feeling for me. So I don’t game much.) 

So that’s the meat of my answer to your question, and now onto the ego part where I talk about me some more. :D Because while I understand what drives the urge, I haven’t ever wanted that. 

I don’t know why I haven’t, precisely, because I don’t know the exact motivations that drive people who have done it or thought about doing it. I know the general drift because I talk to people about it, but it’s never been an appealing option to me. The negativity I sometimes get is unpleasant, of course, but it’s also a) much rarer than most and b) really, at this point, kind of laughable. I find it hard to take it seriously. And I curate my fandom experience very carefully so that I don’t see a lot of generalized fandom negativity. I don’t have haters in my friends circle and I don’t engage much with metacommentary or critical discussion on fannish things I feel super strongly about, because generally speaking, I don’t have to. 

The urge to pack it all in and start anew is common even outside of fandom, I think, like people fantasize about walking away from their life into a new one, and in fandom that’s legit possible. But I couldn’t -- I know what it’s like to pack in a life and try for a fresh start, and even if you try to leave the baggage behind, it follows you. And in fandom, I have so many good friends I couldn’t abandon, and I would never want to delete my stories. So many people have told me what those stories mean to them, and I know how I used to feel when I’d go to a bookmarked fic and find it gone. And even if I started over and kept a closely-knit group of friends, my style is so particular and specific that I’d be identified fairly quickly, so I’d have to remake that as well, and that would be a loss of self. 

If I felt fandom was unhealthy for me, I would back away, but I would be more interested in putting up boundaries to keep myself in a good space. Leaving entirely would be a last resort, and it would be a process of loss and grieving, the kind of thing that in itself would be difficult to cope with. 

So while I think “undoing it” has its place, for sure, it’s not for me. And I think whether or not deleting or rebooting fixes the problem depends very heavily on what the real problem is. Once you know what’s really making you unhappy, you can generally find the solution with ease, even if the solution itself isn’t easy.