#whihc is both happy and sad

[elle-smells]

Alright... what are your thoughts on Clara Bow!

SO glad u asked. I love the Clara Bow, especially as an album closer. It tackles the anxious feeling of not being an ingenue anymore that we heard in "Nothing New"yet there is also acceptance in the overall tone of the song.

The repetition of words only changes the muse. Going from one new dazzling star to another that´s exactly like you but not quite - tale as old as time. There´s the melancholy of each verse disposing of the previous girl as the industry often does, knowing you´re just another one on the conveyor belt. She sings like she´s always known her fate and tries telling the others, "I´ve been there too. they said that to me too. i´ts going to come back around for you too, just so you know."

And then, there´s a hint of pride in knowing you were something worth being inspired by. You hear it in the way she sings about clara bow and stevie nicks, like the legends they are - she´s becoming one too. It´s only very recently that we´ve started hearing "the next taylor swift" conversations - looking for a replacement, yes but simultaneously acknowledging that you want another her, another starlet to create art like her - in a way only she can.

And isn't that exciting? Knowing that even after you´re out of your prime, what you´re doing is so significant and so new at some point in time that you are forever someone´s clara bow.

[papiermachecat]

Here’s a lengthy ramble about the Culture Hustle watercolor set, with lots of pics/comparison swatches...all for you, Culture Hustle anon (but I love doing this kind of thing so thank you!)

I’m going to go in color spectrum order--they’re divided up according to my arbitrary swatch-placing, not necessarily in the order of the palette. First up: yellows!

All of these are very good IMO--very pigmented, and Happy & Sensei are fairly transparent, too--yellows are not typically the most transparent pigments. These more than hold their own next to Mission Gold, Sennelier, Paul Rubens, and Rembrandt (the brands are abbreviated in the color names). Sensei in particular is beautiful and glowy, and if they sold it by the tube I would buy it.

Red-oranges/Reds: almost all of these are fantastic. Artstar has some weird texture thing going on that made me think it might be a cadmium red, but it’s more transparent than cadmium colors usually are. I get really hung up on texture so I’m not a fan of that one, but Vincent, Raygun, 15 Minutes & Crush are all excellent! 15 minutes looks like a cadmium orange/red, but it’s much more transparent (and has a nice even texture). So far so good....but coming up we take a little detour into Not-so-hotville.

Okay so the purples are really, really pretty. HOWEVER. I am highly suspicious that they contain fluroescence, because there is no watercolor pigment I’ve ever seen that creates purples that vibrant. They might be mixes using their Pink color and a blue...anyway that wouldn’t matter much except that fluorescence is not lightfast (fades with exposure to UV light). I’m conducting a little lightfastness test on my windowsill and will report back--if they are lightfast, I’ll be ecstatic! 

Dropout....why. It is incredibly pale--that is the most pigment I could get out of it--which isn’t always a bad thing, but it also has a weird patchy texture reminiscent of the Sakura Koi watercolors (which I loathe). Lapis Lazuli by Daniel Smith is also incredibly pale and a purply-blue (and VERY expensive, made from the genuine stone), so that might be what they were going for--but the genuine Lapis Lazuli has a pretty, soft granulating texture. I don’t own it so I cant compare, I’m just going off swatches I’ve seen. 

Bowie & Pink suffer from the same unpleasant texture, but it at least have some color. I am curious about Pink for the same reasons as those bright purples--if it’s lightfast, it’s a very unique color and would be fun to mix with.

Jealous & Runaway save this bunch--they’re really excellent transparent reds, with strong pigmentation and smooth textures.

I’m almost certain Dive & Always are cobalt blue & ultramarine, respectively--unfortunately, they’re rather lackluster versions of those pigments. Both of those are granulating pigments, which accounts for the texture of the swatches, but some companies make less (or more) granulating versions--White Nights granulate significantly, but they’re also much stronger than the Culture Hustle colors.

Alchemy is a pretty color--a deep green-leaning indigo. Zoltar is likely Prussian Blue (which again throws the lightfast question into play, as Prussian Blue is a fugitive pigment, which makes me sad because it’s beautiful and useful :(). 

King Zulu & 1980 are gorgeous! I have no idea what pigments they are...King Zulu looks like it might be a phthalo blue with white, but it’s vibrant and still mostly transparent, so I’m not sure. 1980 has me totally stumped--it’s so bright, like a cobalt turquoise/teal, but not as green, and perfectly transparent and non-granulating (where cobalt teals are opaque and granulate). I LOVE it, and again, if they sold this by the tube, I’d buy it for sure. 

Envy is a typical convenience yellow-green, but a very nice one. Venom is another convenience green, but not quite as nice as Envy. Emerald City I’m almost certain is just Monster plus white (my little swatch next to it is Mission Gold Bamboo Green/PG36 plus white). Monster looks to be a PG36 (a phthalo green, though the less commonly-used one) with possibly a touch of yellow in it--it’s a nice strong color. Loser is almost a phthalo green/PG7 (the typical phthalo green) but looks to have some blue in it. And Swamp is a nice murky deep green, similar to my beloved Sennelier Forest Green but less blue and more earthy. Grudge is a BEAUTIFUL sap green--I suspect it’s made with PY150/Nickel Azo Yellow, because it has that glowy look to it. The texture is lovely. Another one I would buy separately.

Now we’re into the earth tones. They’re...meh. Why on earth they included only 5 earth tones and chose to make two of them nearly identical yellow ochres I do not understand--and they’re not even particularly nice yellow ochres, as they’re quite opaque and heavy. Akhenaten is a nice enough color--almost definitely a PR101, which can produce a wide range of orange-to-red browns. It’s opaque, but that’s characteristic of this type of color (look at my beloved, beautiful M. Graham Terra Rosa over there in all her opaque glory!). The texture of Akhenaten is not as perfectly velvety as Terra Rosa (nothing is), but it’s still nice.

Last but not least! For a company that makes a pigment called Blackest Black, I was expecting more from a color called Void. It’s actually pretty wimpy, comparable to an Ivory Black. Dirtbag is MUCH more intense, but a little warmer than a true black--Spinel Grey, next to it, is actually the strongest black I own despite the name, and Dirtbag is every bit as dark. Look how the Sharpie line totally disappears. 

Stump is a nice deep brown/burnt umber color. It’s fine. And then.....Butt Nugget :////. Another nice (if unremarkable) brown, lighter and warmer than Stump.

(Also there’s a white but I didn’t photograph it. It’s run-of-the-mill, not super opaque.)

IN SUMMATION: I think this palette has plenty of really nice colors to work with. For ME it’s not as versatile as I would like because of the packaging--the pans aren’t removable, and they don’t sell refills, so if I get attached to any of these colors and use them up, the only way to replace is to rebuy the entire palette (as far as I know--maybe I missed it?). The color selection is odd to me--so many convenience greens?? I would get rid of a few greens and one of those yellow ochres and replace them with either more earth colors (there’s no burnt sienna-type color which is a palette staple) or some more fun mixes--whihc brings me to my next point: I want pigment info!! I believe almost all of these are two-pigment mixes to make the colors a little more unique, but it’s good to know what you’re working with when you’re trying to mix colors. 

All that said, this is a significant step up from the cheaper sets on the market, and has enough great colors in it that it’s worth considering, especially if you aren’t obsessive about collecting and cataloguing colors like I am and you just want to paint like a normal person :).

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind