#who am i kidding. half of it is probably the same mutual combing through my posts

[existencebringsonlypain]

do I dare refresh and face the Beasts?

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #277

“i think we could reach heaven if we go through hell”

What are you currently listening to? "Heaven" by Solence. Has your father met the boy you currently love? I don’t love a guy, just his memory. I don’t think it’s accurate to say “yeah I love him” when I haven’t spoken to/associated with him since one talk in 2017. Are you closer with your siblings or cousins? My sisters. I barely ever see/talk to my cousins at all. How many people have you really fallen for? Two. Next event you’ll wear a dress to: Probably not ‘til my sister’s wedding next year. Why did you last cry? Oh god it’s so cheesy but it was during the Unus Annus video where Mark, Ethan, and Amy were out in the desert watching Neowise and just talking about life and shit. I legit sat in silence just thinking for a while after I finished it. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? Shit, not even 10 minutes. Sometimes not even five. I don’t do anything special at all, just get dressed, brush teeth, and comb my hair. Would you ever take back someone after they cheated? Nnnnope. How many arguments have you had with the last person you dated? Well considering we jumped back and forth from hating each other to being friends like five times as kids,,,, lmao. But on a serious note, it’s rare now. I don’t exactly count arguments tho. Do you want to see somebody right now? I wanna hang with Sara so bad mayn. Do you get distracted easily? YEAH. Do you think that someone has feelings for you? Yeah. Do you still talk to the person that you last kissed? On the daily. Are you easy to get along with? I think so. I’m chill with such a variety of people that you know you can be free of judgment. The only thing you’d have to understand is how quiet I am and that it does not equate to me being disinterested in you or anything, as people have apparently thought. Have you ever had a pet goldfish? As a kid. Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes? Yeah. Are you short? I’m of an average height for someone my gender, age, and nationality or whatever it’s called. Is there anything stressing you out currently? bruuuuuhhhhh I am ALWAYS stressed about something. What’s something that you cannot wait for? This fucking pandemic to end. Just wear your goddamn masks and stay in your fucking houses ‘n shit and maybe we’ll move forward. What was your favorite grade? So it’s super ironic: 7th. Which is when my depression manifested. I just have a lot of good memories with excellent teachers and friends. Are you afraid of shots? “Fear” is the wrong word for it, but there’s certainly a tense feeling before you get one. It’s not the needle that really hurts, it’s whatever medicine is being injected. Always stings. Were you an adorable baby? I was tbh, but I had nothing on my little sister. Nicole was so fucking cute. Are you happy with who you’re becoming? No. Do you want children? No. Do you change your phone background a lot? Not “a lot,” no. Would you rather take a relationship really slow or really fast? Definitely really slow. Really fast is nooot my style. I mean, neither is very slow, but I’d definitely prefer it and feel more secure in it. When applying eyeliner, which eye do you do first? Uhhh I think left? I do this so rarely that I don’t really know lol. How many exes have you talked to today? One. Are you tan? lol hell no. I never have been. Do you use any acne medication? I use a facial scrub to exfoliate and prevent acne, does that count? Is anybody in your family schizophrenic? If so, what is their life like? My half-sister I’ve never met. I know almost nothing about her so can’t answer the second question. Are you likely to crack under peer pressure? Not really, no. Are you emotional or very stoic? I’m emotional as hell. How many states have you lived in? North Carolina has kept me hostage my whole life. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yeah. Who did you last say “I love you” to? Me mum. How do you want to die? Eek, idk man. Part of me says fast as to avoid pain or a gradual, torturous decline in health, but at the same time I want my life to conclude after like… accepting it and not taking my last days for granted. I also don’t want the sudden surprise on my loved ones. Are you scared of spiders? Okay, so this is very situational. If a spider surprises me, I’m most likely going to gasp/scream/curse and try to get away. However, I find them very, very fascinating to watch and are beautiful and some even cute in their own right. I respect their existence and position in the ecosystem. I’ve held a tarantula before and even want two (… or ten) as a pet, so I can’t be THAT scared of them. Oh, and I’m much more likely to be spooked by ones with long legs and particularly small bodies. Idk, it’s weird. Do you have trust issues? fuck YES I do. Who/what was your last dream about? I know Jason was in it, but that’s no surprise. I remember someone randomly trying to kill me again lmao. Who was the last person you cried in front of? I’m sure it was Mom. Who was your last text from? Sara. Do you usually sleep with your closet door open or closed? The fuck is wrong with you if you sleep with it open?????????????? Have you ever "done it" in a hotel room? No. I don’t think we were ever in a hotel together, and besides, it’s p gross imho. I can’t say for sure I wouldn’t lmao but I hope I wouldn’t. Have you ever stolen a street sign before? No, that’s never made sense to me? My sister stole a traffic cone once tho lmao. She legit just wanted to do something sketchy. Highkey badass, amirite. Are you reading any books right now? I’m very slowly reading Wings of Fire: The Dark Secret by Tui T. Sutherland. I’m going through one of my junctures of little reading again, even though I’m enjoying the book as I do with the series. Who was the last person to send you a friend request on Facebook? Some dude I had no mutual friends with or anything. How recently did you wash your hands? Last time I went to the bathroom. Did the last person you kissed have facial hair? No. Who is the most intelligent person you know? Girt. Do you have younger siblings? If you do, are you protective of them? I have one sister younger by two years, and I’d kill for her even if we’re not all that close. What are the other members of your household doing at this moment? I’ve actually been home alone for around two weeks now and am MIRACULOUSLY doing totally fine. My mom had to take an urgent flight to NY because her mom is dying. Sadly much slower than they expected. She’s not in pain due to medicine, but nevertheless, it’s torture for her. She can't do anything. Do you have any neighbors that you don't get along with? Not really, but there is someone to our right that constantly has music playing outside, and sometimes it’s annoying. In the past week, have you slept past midday? No. I can’t remember the last time I did that. Name the last song that made you cry. “Lovely” by Billie Eilish, I think. It reminded me of Jason. Do you use Twitter? Not really, no. I only ever check it to look at Mark’s lmao what a shocker. The last time something scared you, what was it? One of my nightmares last night. A huge spider was hurrying towards my face from the wall and I actually scrambled out of bed irl, therefore nearly passing out bc I can't get up fast w/o getting extremely dizzy, oof. Who was your first best friend? Brianna. Are you still friends anymore? On Facebook, anyway. We haven’t talk-talked in many years. Who is your best friend right now? Sara. How old were you when you found out what sex was? I was in the 4th or 5th grade, whatever age you are then. I definitely learned later than most, it seems. Had no idea until sex ed in school. Name one quirk you have that drives people crazy? I pace badly, and I’ve been told by numerous people it makes them anxious. Who is your favorite Disney villain? Probably Scar. You gotta admit his scheme was pretty clever, and he had a BUMPIN song. Would you have children if a surrogate could carry it for you? No, I still wouldn’t. Do you have an account for any social platform that you rarely/never use? Yeah, like Twitter. What do you most frequently take photos of? Nature. Do you ever wear hats? What does your favorite hat look like? No. Have you tried any foods or drinks for the first time today? Which? No. Does anyone close to you smoke cigarettes? My dad. What was the last song you heard, that made you feel nostalgic? Motionless In White recently covered "Somebody Told Me" by The Killers. Is it awkward when you run into your ex? I don’t run into any of them. Do you prefer pasta, salad, or coleslaw? Oh, totally pasta. Coleslaw is fucking disgusting. Do you think any of your exes will eventually want to be with you again? I hope. Would you rather pierce your tongue or lip? I have a vertical labret and did have snake eyes, and I adore(d) both; however, I prefer my lip ring. It’s like, a part of my identity by now lmao. Last time you were attacked by an animal? I don’t think an animal has ever seriously hurt me, instead only through playing too rough. I get scratches from Roman every now and again from it. How many times have you been engaged (if any at all)? Never. Have you ever been called something and you didn’t know what it meant? So one of the most embarrassing things I’ve ever done is accidentally agree to being a martyr, because at the time, I thought it only meant like, you’d die for what you stand for, which in most serious cases, I would. I didn’t know that wasn’t the kind he meant; he meant I was trying to make shit all about me and throw a pity party about the breakup. I didn’t learn that was the “common day” definition until a long time after when I was no longer in contact with this person. Are your eyes sensitive to sunlight? VERY VERY VERY. Have you ever been busted for underage drinking? No. Do you have a picture of you and your lover kissing? I don’t have a “lover.” Have you witnessed a fight at school? So shortly after returning to class in the 10th grade, a girl deadass got stabbed in the neck during a fight nearby my classroom. I (nor my classmates) actually saw it, just heard. Safe to say the assailant was expelled, and the other girl was lucky to have her throat missed, though that was apparently what the other girl was aiming for. She went to the hospital of course, and that’s all I know. Who did you last get into a big argument with? Probably Mom. Do you drink lots of water? Sigh, no. What was the worst feeling you last felt? Before my last period I had a day of such bad cramping that I decided to go back on birth control. I originally started it for that but stopped to see how it would affect my mood, and now I absolutely need it back. Interested in anyone at the moment? Yeah. Do you know people with your last name that you aren't related to? Besides historical people, no. Are you guilty of texting while driving? ”I don’t drive, but I am so against doing that. Please don’t. It only takes a second of distraction for something to go wrong. Keep your eyes on the damn road.” <<<< This right fuckin here. Have you ever caused a lot of noise in a library? No. What was the last thing that completely took your breath away? I don’t know. When playing rock, paper, scissors which do you usually pick? Uhhh I think scissors? Have you ever tried to write a book? Yes, but they’re all projects I abandoned. Have you ever been hit by a chunk of hail? Not that I recall, no. Do you have high standards? Honestly yes when it comes to relationships (which is what I assume you’re talking about). Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle? Yeah. Do you know how to snap your fingers? Uh, yeah. Do you plan your outfits for the next day or just randomly choose? I choose on the spot, usually. Are you a bossy person? Definitely not. Is it true that if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love another? I fucking hate that statement. It’s absolute bullshit.

[im-not-a-joke]

Mmh... All the field

the whole- the whole field....

thank you for asking, this is going to be one long post

Alisons: Sexuality?

asexual, unlabeled/queer romantic

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

they/them or he/him, nonbinary

Amaryllis: Birthday?

february 4th

Anemone: Favorite flower?

bleeding heart

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?

steven universe

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

probably offer a place to sleep overnight

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?

“Do you think God stays in heaven because he, too, lives in fear of what he’s created?”

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

strawberry lemonade

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

my gf? yes, absolutely.

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

i’d like to think so, yes

Baneberries: Favorite song?

currently “better than me” by the brobecks

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

a mess, i have three siblings, and two of them are currently living at home, we also have two large dogs

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

yes! my best friend anna, and her brother bryan!

Begonia: Favorite color?

purple

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

mantis shrimp

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

night person

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

dog, i want the constant love and affection

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

first a botanist, then a geologist

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

i want to adopt some someday! sometimes they suck, but i want to be there for someone who doesn’t have a family to lean on.

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

abandonment, because i’m annoying

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

i shared a room with my little brother until i was like 12.

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?  

visiting all the people i love most, all of my friends, my gf, i’d call my sister

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

taken!

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

france

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

when people take the time out of their day to talk to me

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?  

nope, i do want some someday, though

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?  

yes! i got my ears pierced twice because it ripped my earlobe the first time

California Poppy: Height?  

~5′8″

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

yes, and if i die before any of my friends, i’m coming back to haunt them

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?  

a floral tank top, my favorite sleeveless cardigan, and jean shorts

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

yes, my little brother was afraid of the dark and insisted on having a nightlight on

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?  

my mom

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

my gf

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

architect’s daughter

Columbine: Are you tired?

yes, very

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

tomorrow i get to leave the house all day to drive across the state and it’s going to be a lot of fun

Coneflower: Dream job?

language teacher! either english to people who don’t speak it or german/french to english speakers

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

introvert. i’m on tumblr all day

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

yeah, i think so

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

i’d actually die for multiple people in my life

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

yes! a stuffed white dog with a plaid scarf and matching antlers! my friend got it for me because it reminded her of my big white dog.

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

aquarius

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

once i came 3rd in my age group for a 5k i ran

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

i successfully kept a frail axolotl alive for an entire summer

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?  

i dont care what my parents think about stuff like that, they cant tell my who i am or am not allowed to date

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

@byler-obsessed literally like, maybe 15 minutes ago as of writing this

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

i’d like to think i’m decent at singing

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

staying awake during the day

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

i saw my gf for the first time in months! i came out to the girls team for xc! i spent a lot of time with one of my closest irl friends!

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

decent, i had coach practice, which was nice

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

yeah, i’d say i’m pretty happy where i am

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

learn guitar

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

my best friends anna and bryan, my older brother, the girls on the team, my ukulele, my therapist, my dogs, the creek in my back yard, my grandma’s amish apple dumpling recipe, random internet memes, books

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?  

listening to my spotify playlist

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

reassurance and/or talking about things that i enjoy, i’m really insecure so if i’m talking about something i like, that’s me trusting you. 

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

the mental health progress i’ve made

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

i lay in bed until like 11, then, i spend the rest of the day out with my friends, we get sushi for dinner and stay up until like 3am

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?  

be on tumblr

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

i met them both in 6th grade, anna nad i were in the same science class and i met bryan at lunch, he didn’t talk to me for at least the first half of the year.

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

bryan, he always knows just what to say, and knows that he doesn’t have to fix my problems to be a good friend.

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

like, 13?

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

my friend once told me that they couldn’t tell if i was a boy or girl upon first meeting me and it made my day.

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

i’m a mess, an anxious, depressed, gay mess

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

my hair, it’s really fluffy and soft, and just about light enough to dye bright colors

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself?  

my chest, it’s always been a huge part of my dysphoria and i want it gone please

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

i would play dress up with my dog, he had to suffer through wearing all my old dresses, but he got treats so it was ok

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

my friend ry, we met in second grade, we’re still on and off friends, currently off

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

in 5th grade i used the word “suck” in class and got yelled at

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?  

see above answer

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

carson: christian. it’s my name because i like how it sounds, and anna really liked it too, she picked it for me.

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

white, suburban ohio. all the kids had cliques by the second day of kindergarten, and if you were knew, you generally had a pretty good chance of being picked up by the popular kids.

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

i had bunkbeds with my little brother, i slept on the bottom.

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  

so far, not really. i’m just mentally ill and closeted, it’s not great

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

she likes to dye her hair crazy colors, and she used to be a beekeeper, even though she’s allergic to bee stings.

Onions: Tell about your dad.  

he rides his bike almost every day, and supports my mom in whatever she does

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

on my mom’s side, the kindest boomers i’ve ever met, my grandpa used to take us on “adventures” to the park and just watch us play

on my dad’s side: my grandpa loves seeing us but doesn’t get out much, my grandma laughs hysterically at every family gathering, and has all the best amish recipes

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

when i turned 13, i went ice skating for the first time and fell and sprained my wrist

Peony: What was your first job?

mowing lawns

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

we had mutual friends and slowly ended up being close, we were in school plays and track together.

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

i bite down on my finger to simultaneously distract myself, focus on something else, and hold myself back

Pink: Where is home?

my best friends’ living room at 1 am, with the golden girls playing in the background

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?

i’d go back and stop current president from becoming president

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

my sister, she has always been driven and passionate and talented, and she makes everything seem effortless and still gives it her all.

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

me and my spouse and my kids amd my dogs all live in a decently spacious house in europe, my job is stable and i love my work, my students think i’m cool and come to me if they need help, i am doing well.

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

i used to believe that the smoke from fireworks was where clouds came from

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

my best friends

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

the sound of rain on my roof at night

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

when my sister, dad, and i all climbed to the top of a mountain in california

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

throwing up in the car on the way home for visiting my sister in new york

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?  

a hug from anna

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

it’s hard because i don’t trust people

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

the internet

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

like 5.5 hours

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

to run, it makes me feel better and i love cross country

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

lmao i dont have one

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

my binder!

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.  

the record player song but a boy

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

a list of reasons why you deal with me/things you like about me

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

the fact that this is taking a lot longer than anticipated and i don’t want people to think i’m ignoring their asks

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

actual books? only 2, Catcher in the Rye and the Night Circus

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

out with my friends

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

yes, and i regret it

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

i’m double jointed in my left pinky

[treasure-my-aurora]

One More Night. Pt 5

Pairing: Kim Hongjoong / fem!Reader

Chapter: 5/14

Genre: Mutual pining, canon compliant, fluffy af, angsty af, suggestive, teasing and filled with that good shit that everyone loves

Words in this chapter: 6045

Lisbon and Hongjoong looked at me from underneath long lashes, whispered an apology about acting like an ass two days ago under his breath as I fixed the collar on his jacket. I gave him a look, my fingers lingered on the skin on his throat a bit longer than necessary and I could feel him gulping under my fingertips. “I want you, only you. Never make me regret the fact that I took your side” I whispered as I combed my fingers through the long hair in his neck and he bit his lip, and gave me a nod, a breathless gasp leaving his lips. - Paris and we were fighting our way forward through the crazy traffic to the venue. People drove like they wanted to crash, and I choked on a gasp when a driver in front of us took a beeline to the left, his car barely graced us. My hand found Hongjoong’s and he gave me a smile, fright in his eyes but there was something comforting in his smile and I took a deep breath with him to calm my racing heart. “Sorry about that” Our driver apologized and cursed like a sailor when another driver made a risky move. Hongjoong’s hand was warm in mine and I swallowed as he gave it a small squeeze. - Berlin and the weather was cold. I shivered, wearing a shirt less than I probably should have as we jumped into the cars that were going to take us to the hotel. We got checked in and I longed for a good nap while I unloaded the luggage and Hongjoong’s wardrobe. He gave me a mixed look of longing and apology as if he was sorry that I couldn’t join him when they followed their managers towards the escalator. I shrugged and gave him a smile back, already in the zone to get everything unpacked and to the venue as soon as I could. Four hours later and I closed the door to the big dressing room marked with ‘ATEEZ’ in the same moment as my phone rang and I chuckled lightly when I answered. “Do you have a small camera strapped on me or something?” I asked and Hongjoong laughed and my heart jumped happily when the sound of it filled my chest with warmth. “No, but I have timed you several times and know that you’re usually done by now..." He said and I bit my lip to suppress another laugh as he trailed off, realizing that even though it was a cute thing to do, it was a bit weird as well, “Anyway… come to my room, I fixed you breakfast” My stomach growled happily at the thought of food, only filled with a kimbap and a cup of coffee that I basically poured into me as soon as we arrived. I walked with hurried steps and took a company car with some tech guys that’d just finished setting up the equipment as well. They wished me a good day and I gave them a big smile, feeling for the first time in a long time that this might actually be a good day. One without mishaps, wardrobe malfunctions and endless teasing from Hongjoong, and though the first two seemed to be right, the last one was as far from right as it could be… “Nooonaaaa. I missed youuu” Hongjoong whined and threw his arms around me as soon as he opened the door, barely giving me time to knock, as if he’d been camping next to it and waited for me to walk down the corridor. I squinted my eyes at him and took a deep inhale through my nose. “Why are you so weird? You weren’t like this when I talked to you fifteen minutes ago… Have you been drinking?” I asked, even though I couldn’t smell any alcohol on him, and he shook his head, his hair whipping the sides of his face and I suppress a laugh at his bewildered expression. I closed the door behind me, still with him in my arms and my stomach growled again when the smell of toast, eggs and bacon surrounded my senses. “Nooo, I just haven’t slept yet and I accidentally drank some coffee and the jet lag is making me whooozy and I missed youuuu” He continued, a pout on his lips and I looked at him in my arms with a puzzled look, time seemed to pause for a few seconds as something shadowed his eyes when he gazed into mine “I… I really am sorry about the other day” He gulped, voice serious all of a sudden and I clenched my jaw, knowing that he talked about London and the altercation between San and him, “I don’t know what happened, don’t know why I said the things I did. I just get so… jealous when it comes to you. I know I stepped over the line and I need you to understand that it’s not who I am…” I looked away, the memories of the way he acted, the three of us in that dressing room. My fury when he doubted me, still unsure if I wanted him as much as he wanted me. He licked his lips nervously and watched me with eyes that spoke of his sincerity, “I know you’re sorry Joong. I know you, and I know that those actions aren't you. I understand the jealousy you feel, but I don’t want you to ever speak to me like that again. It’s not ok” “I won’t” He shook his head, almost violently and tried to give me a small hopeful smile, “Can you forgive me?” He asked, still concerned and swallowed hard, I sighed. There wasn’t really a reason for me to hold a grudge. I knew that he cared for me and that he was genuinely sorry, the breakfast was most likely a peace offering, and I chewed on the inside of my cheek. He was hot-headed, and even though I was still a bit hurt that he still thought that his feelings for me wasn’t completely reciprocated, I guess that I sometimes felt the same. It was a trait grounded in self-doubt and unfortunately a trait that we both shared. “Of course, I forgive you, Joongie” He gave me a bright smile and closed his arms around me tighter and I hugged him back for a few seconds, thinking that he’d let me go but it didn’t seem to be the case. There was a pause that almost lasted half a minute as I looked longingly at the food and Hongjoong looked longingly at me, but I quickly grew tired of this one-sided threesome. “Let me go, Joongie” I asked and pulled on his arms where he held onto my clothes in a death grip. “What would you do if I kissed you right now?” He asked, voice deep and even more serious than before and I met his eyes, his gaze flicked between them and my lips and I opened my mouth to answer him something clever, but my sustenance deprived mind couldn’t form a word and Hongjoong pouted. “I try not to think about it, because it hurts too much… but the fact that San got to taste your lips before I could, drives me crazy” I sighed and looked away as I felt my heart beat hard against his and I shrugged, “After your first win” “What?” He looked at me again, pupils dilated, and I repeated myself, “When you win your first award, I’ll give you a kiss. I promise” “But that could take months” He pouted again, and I shrugged, “Guess you gotta work hard then” “... Guess I will” His smile was brighter than the sun and my heart ached when he gave me a final tight squeeze. - Amsterdam and I woke up when the sun’s beams shone through the window, blinded me slightly when I sleepily opened my eyes. I turned around, and a disgruntled groan left my lips. A soft hush answered my noise and I paused for a second, opened my eyes slightly again. Hongjoong was sleeping next to me, and I melted at the sight of him as I remembered last night. Him coming to my room after midnight, a pillow in his arms that he’d brought from his room across mine, eyes heavy. Complaining that he was cold, that Yunho didn’t want to cuddle and that he missed me, and I was too tired to argue and just let him join me underneath the covers. Sleep had ruffled his hair and he wore a pout on his lips, his hand softly stroked my side as if he thought my groan of discomfort was out of distress and was now reassuring me, still unconscious to the world. I wondered how many times he’d let the other members climb into his bed if he was so used to being there for the person that needed comforting that he did so in his sleep. I frowned and felt a sudden sorrow I’d never felt before when I imagined how tough every day must’ve been for them, for him, while they still were trainees. Not knowing whether or not they would be able to debut. All of them just kids with a big dream and Hongjoong, being the leader of the group and one of the oldest, took most responsibility, from being the spokesman to be the person the members could go to when things became too much to handle on their own. My eyes soften when his movements stilled, and he began snoring softly again. I looked over my shoulder and glanced at the bedside clock I always carried with me, knowing that I had to get up soon or I wouldn’t be able to get any breakfast before my day started. I moved as carefully as I could but Hongjoong still felt me leaving and he clenched his arm around my waist, his eyebrows furrowed, “Don’t go” He whispered, voice hoarse and whiny and I licked my dry lips, my heart aching, “I have to Joongie. I can’t be in bed all day” He groaned, and pushed me closer, flushed my body against his as he stretched, his nose nuzzled into the crook of my neck and it would've been sweet if my breath wouldn’t hitch when a very apparent boner pressed against my thigh. It wasn’t the first time we slept like this, it occurred more often than I wanted to admit to my colleagues, but this…the boner and the fact that he didn’t wake up as I flinched from surprise, had never happened before and I bit my lower lip to suppress a gasp when his eyebrows furrowed and his mouth fell open slightly. Another groan escaped his lips as he rubbed himself unconsciously on me and I inhaled sharply, feeling arousal pool from my core, the burn made me clench my legs shut. “Noona” He whined out a breathy moan and the hand that's been on my waist moved over my hip and I gulped as he grabbed it hard, his thumb possessively pushed on the hipbone as he moved my body against his. I could feel how he twitched through the pyjama pants, a small wet spot on the front of them already and I had to manually take a deep breath before I tore myself away from him and rolled down onto the floor. A gasp left his lips again as he opened his eyes from my sudden motion, his sleepy eyes half open as the sun shone into them. He looked up to see me, a blush covered my cheeks and I breathed heavily. “Noona?” He asked confused and I blushed even harder, feeling the flush covering me from my head to my toes when I realized that he’d been totally unconscious of the fact that he’d just humped my leg like a dog in heat, probably too deep into a wet dream. “I gotta go, make sure that you leave within the hour. The cars are leaving for the airport in two” I said and pulled up my hair in a bun. “But…” He started and sat up slightly, giving me a perfect view of his cock outlined in his pants and I slumped slightly, very unattractively and much like a deflated balloon. I looked away, and swallowed hard before I grabbed the bag with clothes and hygiene articles, I always had prepared, “I gotta go” I said again and gave him another involuntarily glance before I put on my shoes. He looked down then and a noise of embarrassment left his mouth as he quickly covered himself with the blanket again. “I’m sorry” He shouted after me, but I didn’t hear. My heart pounded too loud in my ears. - Milan and I laid on my bed. It was late, my eyes were closed and a soft breeze from the open balcony door made the baby hairs in my forehead flicker. I’d just taken a deep breath and closed my eyes, winching from the ache in my back when there was a knock on the door. I groaned loudly to myself and placed my long and index fingers over my eyes, rubbing them slightly before I heaved myself off the bed. “What?” I said while opening the door, my voice annoyed as I made eye contact with the person who’d knocked. “Just a question” Hongjoong asked, dressed in black slacks and a white turtleneck, his fringe parted, a black big sweatshirt in his arms and I fought off the feeling of just closing the door again because he looked so wonderfully amazing, having spent the whole day outside with the members, filming and having a good time and I looked like something that’d just been chewed up and spit out by a killer whale, my almost non-existential make-up smeared. Hair dirty, face puffy and eyes shadowed with bags under them since I’d been sleeping bad the last few days. “Yes?” I gave him a tired look. “I happen to have this extra movie ticket and I have no one to give it to. Mind taking it so you can go with me?” He smirked and I rolled my eyes. He was smooth, I could give him that. “But what about Yunho or Seonghwa or any other member? Maybe they want to go with you?” I asked, an innocent smile on my lips as I leaned against the door and Hongjoong’s brows furrowed, and I had to tense my jaw to stop a giggle to escape. “Because I want to go with you” He said and gave me a look that begged me not to be difficult. “... So, you’re asking me out?” I asked and Hongjoong sighed. I was enjoying myself too much with this. “No, I’m giving you a free opportunity to go to the movies with me” He said, a pout on his lips and he looked away. I nodded slightly and felt how my serious face broke as the smile I tried to fight off tugged at my lips. “So, it’s a date?” “Just go with me, please?” Hongjoong said, frustrated now and with an impatient wrinkle in his forehead and I shrugged. “I don’t know… I don’t really do dates”. “Aah, noona, stop it” Hongjoong whined loudly and I giggled when he realized I’d played with him, his lip curled up and he scrunched his nose, eyes squinting. “Give me twenty? I just need to rinse off” I said and turned around, fully expecting him to just say ‘ok’ and do the same but he followed me into the room, the door automatically slammed shut behind him. “What are you doing?” I asked and gave him a look of disapproval when he sat cross legged down on my bed. “I’m finished, why should I go back if you only need twenty minutes?” I scoffed and collected some clothes, not in the mood to argue because it would just take time that I needed to make me feel like myself again and it would most likely not lead anywhere anyway. Hongjoong smiled a victory smile and pulled out his phone from his pocket and I locked the bathroom door behind me. I rinsed off quickly, blow dried my hair and put on clothes fitting for the still quite cold south European weather. I skipped the make-up. It was too late anyway, and I was certain that I'd crash in my bed as soon as we'd get back. I went out again, and Hongjoong was lying on the bed now, legs lazily resting on the edge of it, his shirt slightly rid up to show the honeyed skin of his lower stomach and his fingertips lazily ran over it, mindlessly caressing the spot. Phone in his other hand and hair sprawled out like a blonde halo around his head and I inhaled sharply before my tongue flicked out to wet my lips. “Fucking tease” I cursed low under my breath, but apparently not low enough because Hongjoong chuckled softly, “You love it” and I shook my head as I collected my walled, phone and key-card, “In your dreams” “Well, you certainly know that now, don’t you?” He winked at me and I felt my cheeks flush when the memories of him rubbing his hard cock on my thigh flashed in my mind. I stuck out my tongue at him and he only smiled as he put on the big sweatshirt, pulled the hood over his head to cover his hair and fished out a black face mask out of one of the pockets so that only his eyes were shown and my heart sank when I saw him disguising his appearance. The remembrance of the fact that we never could go on a real date hit hard and I looked away again, pain in my heart when his warm hand found mine. - Budapest and the weather was sunny on my skin when I walked to the venue. My steps quick and hands in my pockets to protect them from the biting wind. I wore headphones, deep into a conversation about a sudden wardrobe malfunction, hence me rushing over to fix it. “Could you get a Frappuccino for me on your way back?” Hongjoong asked at the other end of the line and I scoffed out a small laugh. “Maybe. If I have time” I respond and he answered with a small ‘Yay’ before he got quiet again, embarrassed that he’d ripped the fabric on one of the main costumes. “I don’t know how you’ve put up with me for this long, but I love you for it” He said softly to break the small pause and I froze in the middle of a step, gave an apologizing smile to the person who walked behind me on the sidewalk when I forced them to step around me as I collected myself for a second. “Don’t say things like that,” I said between clenched teeth and looked at both sides of the road before I skipped over, angry with his reckless words as my heart flipped like crazy in my chest. “What, I can’t say that I appreciate what you do for me? I know that I should say it more often” He said, a mix of confidence and apology in his voice, like it was the most obvious thing in the world and I couldn’t answer him without revealing just how much it really meant that he choose the word ‘love’ out of every word he could’ve chosen. “I mean it though, the appreciating part I mean” He hurried to correct himself and I gulped, my mouth dry, “Every little thing you do makes me want to hold onto you forever and never let you go” - Stockholm and the city lights reflected on the water that ran through the city a few hundred meters from my balcony. It was cold outside; the clock had passed midnight and I wrapped my duvet tighter around my body before I took another sip of my hot tea. Soft piano music played on low volume from my phone’s speakers and Hongjoong was beside me, curled up with his head in my lap, softly humming along with the song. The light from his phone’s screen illuminated his features as he scrolled down twitter, looking through the tags from tonight's show. My fingers in his hair, softly combing through it while I looked up at the clear night sky, stars twinkling, and a big full moon was our only company and I felt a strange calmness in my soul. A feeling that I wanted to save in a treasure chest and cherish forever. - Warsaw and I stood with the other styling noonas in the corridor below the stage, the next clothes change already prepared on racks beside us, ready to work fast in the top five minutes it had to take before they needed to go back out on stage. The song ended and I braced myself when Hongjoong came strutting crotch first down the stairs, walking like he usually did after being on stage for an hour, adrenaline in his bloodstream, pumped up from the audience, fringe combed back, sweat dripping down his template, collected on his brows, and cupids bow and I swallowed hard when his black eyes met mine. An almost diabolical fire burning in them and the feeling of being approached by one of Lucifer’s demons made me take a step back and he grabbed my wrist to stop me from bumping into a colleague. My breath hitched when he pulled me back towards him sharply and he wasted no time to start to undress himself with one brow raised, “I really have to do it myself, huh?” He said and I broke out of the trance I was in and swatted away his hand that’d already undone the first two buttons on his jacket, “You know I’d give anything for you to repeat this action after the show is done and we’re alone, right?” He whispered, loud enough for only me to hear and I gave him a look of warning from underneath my eyelashes, “Don’t” I whispered back but couldn’t help but swallow hard as my imagination ran wild. “I know that you know how bad I want it. I can see that you’re thinking about it right now. Fuck, I could eat you out for hours if you’d only let me feel how good you’d clench around my cock” He smirked now and I pressed my lips into a thin line, his back was turned to the rest of the people in the room and the result of his dirty talk and vivid imagination showed up as a bulge in his underwear and I couldn’t help but glance, hoping that no one saw me do so. He sighed, eyes searched for mine and I held out the clothes for him to take. “There’s no time to mess around, Joong” I whispered back at him, annoyed as his eyelids fell when he indulged in the feeling of my body nearly flushing against him, curling a lock of my hair around his finger and I swallowed when I met his eyes. “I know, I know. It’s the energy I get from the show and you here, looking like a dream… I-” “Really need to put on these clothes now, please” I interrupted and held up the striped woollen shirt and black pants higher. He wet his lips, took the pants and I looked away, chewed frustratedly on my cheek as he winced when he pulled up the zipper, trapping his half hard cock in the uncomfortable tightness of them. “You really only have yourself to blame” I said, arms crossed, and he gave me a smug look underneath his eyelashes, “It’s worth it though. I’m not the only one who just got horny, am I?” I didn’t answer him and he gave me another look, a cocky smile on his lips as his eyes flicked over my body and I clenched my legs involuntarily, feeling the heat there pulsating happily from the teasing and he just tilted his head, one eyebrow raised saying ‘I told you so’ without using any words. - Moscow and the boys had been gone all day. They wrapped up the shooting of their little series, finished the performance video for ‘Promise’ and then had a final dinner together to celebrate part one of their first world tour. I’d been busy myself, finishing up with packing everything back into their bags and made sure that nothing was left forgotten. It was late when I got back at the hotel, my body hurt from standing up for fourteen hours straight and I stumbled into my room, ready to go to bed. We had to be up early tomorrow, the flight left at 09:00 and I had to take another walk around the venue before leaving, mainly because I just wanted to make sure that I had everything. I opened the door, and almost took a leap back out when I saw that the bed was already occupied. “What are you doing here?” I asked and Hongjoong looked up from his phone, gave me an uninterested look and then focused back on the screen. “I was bored so I wanted to visit but you weren’t here, so I decided to wait” He said without looking at me and I gave him a surprised look, a wrinkle between my brows. Maybe I got a little insulted from his apathetic reaction to me because I couldn’t help myself from smacking his leg, a bit irritated, not hard to hurt, but hard enough to earn a reaction from him as he winched and looked at me with offended eyes. “I’m tired, go away” I complained but he shook his head, “Don’t wanna. Why’d you hit me?” He said, pouted slightly and my head cocked to the side. “How did you even get in here?” I avoided his question completely and he chuckled lightly, combed his fingers through his hair, locked his phone and placed it on the bed beside him. “I convinced a staff member that you’d be sleeping at the venue and I wanted a room for myself” He smiled proudly, and I scoffed out a small laugh. “So, do you want to spend the night or what is just something you wanted to say?” I asked and covered my mouth as I yawned and Hongjoong’s eyes twinkled dangerously, “Depends…" He said and I placed my hands on my waist, not up for any teasing, “I need to be up early tomorrow” I said, and he nodded, “I know, I know” He said and sat up from the bed, threw his legs over the edge and was just about to stand up when he stumbled, and I rushed forward to grab his shirt and pushed him back onto the bed to stop him from hitting his head into the bedside table. I frowned and leaned over him, inhaled sharply near his face and he giggled, “Have you been drinking?” I asked and he gave me a secretive smile, “Not a lot, just a glass of dessert wine they served after they wrapped up the recording” He shrugged, and I gave him a look that spoke of how much I didn’t believe him, and he rolled his eyes, “Ok, three glasses but that was only because Mingi didn't want his and they accidently served Jongho. He can legally drink here, isn’t that crazy? I mean, he’s just a baaaabyyy” he dragged out the last word longer than necessary and I sighed. I really just wanted to go to bed. A sober Hongjoong was a pain in the ass to get rid of and I could only imagine how hard it would be now when he was tipsy. The alcohol seemed to have hit him like a train the same second he’d tried to stand up and forced the intoxicated blood to run properly through his body. “Come, let’s get you back to your room” I said and held out my hand for him to take. But he clenched his hands close to his body, a frown on his face as he said a short and very determined “No” much like a defiant toddler. I sighed, rolled my eyes and shook my head, “You’re not gonna sleep here in the state you’re in” “Why not?” He pouted and threw his arms above his head in protest, his shirt rode up slightly and my eyes flicked to the exposed skin before my eyes met his again and I bit on my tongue. “Because I’d bet both my kidneys that you’re a horny drunk and that in combination with whatever we have between us will not end good” I said and felt a blush flush my cheeks pink when he smirked, his tongue flicked out to lick his lower lip and he looked at me from hooded eyes. “Define good, darling. Because I’d make you feel good in an instant” He said and I shook my head at his words, “Don’t call me darling, come on, let’s go” I said and held out my hand again. His brows rose, a smirk on his lips and he sat up slightly, leaned back on his elbows as he took my words as a challenge. “Do you prefer me to be even more formal? I can call you noonim?” His head cocked to the side and he bit his lip, eyes glossy as he undressed me with his eyes and I sighed at his determination to earn a reaction from me, “No? How about something cuter, then… Sweetheart? Baby? Baby girl?” I looked away and felt a blush flush my cheeks pink and he chuckled under his breath, “Wow, I never would’ve guessed that you enjoyed being called something like that. You always need to be so much in control. So calm and collected all the time and all you want is someone to absolutely dominate you, huh?” I bit my lower lip, my breath hitched in my throat and his fingers came down to stroke the small exposed skin of his stomach, his shirt raised as his fingers travelled up, and I swallowed as I watched. His pants low enough to expose the soft dark hair that trailed under his belly button and I bit my lip to repress a small groan, tried to stop myself from squirming at the sight of him. I’d seen him without a shirt countless times by now, but this was so much different than any other time. His fingers traced the soft skin of his toned frame and I gave him a pained expression, my mind told me that I should stop him, but I knew in my heart that I couldn’t. He pulled his shirt over his head, tossed it at the side of the bed and I cursed under my breath, my mouth went dry and I wanted to close my eyes, like I didn’t deserve to see him like this. “Fuck, baby. I’d ask you to touch me but I don’t know if I’d be able to stop myself from holding my part of our deal if you did” He moaned and I chewed anxiously on my cheek as arousal burned between my legs when he touched himself, fingers slipped into the edge of his pants and his already half hard cock dented against the zipper from my admiration of his body. “I want to touch you too…” I gasped and he looked at me, lips parted, and gulped at my words. “Then do it, please” He whined, and I shook my head, “You know that I can’t. I… I want you to come without my touch” I moaned out and he melted into the mattress, eyes rolled back as he submitted to his own lust and placed a cupped hand over his clothed cock, and he immediately bucked into his own hand. I felt my eyes tear up slightly from wanton lust as he stroked down his length through his pants, thrusting hard into his hand and I had to brace myself from swatting away his hand and replace it with my own. He locked his eyes with me, and I clenched around nothing as I felt my wetness soak my panties. This new side of him, seeing him lose control in front of me, his lust for me so big that he got hard with me still fully dressed and without my touch, made me breathless. I swallowed hard, walked around the bed, and laid down next to him. He gave me a confused look over his shoulder and I shuddered under his gaze. “Lay like me and don’t look anywhere else than my face” I said, and a groan left his lips when I unbuttoned my pants and pulled them down to my ankles. He copied what I did, and I kept eye contact with him as he plunged his hand into his underwear, threw his head back into the pillow as his hand closed around his cock and I heard how he pulled on his length, already slick from pre-cum. I did the same and placed two fingers on my clit, lazily rubbing myself as he locked his gaze with me again, breath coming out in short pants, eyes black and glossy and I moaned as he thrusted hard into his hand. I imagined how it would’ve felt if those hard thrusts were to move my body in that same rhythmic dance he created. I cursed under my breath and tried to focus on getting to the finish line with him, fighting off the need to just scream fuck it and straddle his hips, impale myself on his cock and ride him until we’d forget our names. “Fuck, babe. I bet your dripping. I, ah…” He clenched his eyes shut, paused to flick his wrist a certain way and I forced myself not to look down to see what he was doing, “I bet you’d taste so good, I could drink you for hours. Not stopping until you’re begging me to do so, overstimulated and writhing under my touch. Can you imagine that for me, baby? Imagine my fingers in your sweet tight cunt and my tongue licking you up” He cursed again, and I sobbed out a moan. “Tell me what you’d do to me” He groaned, and I sighed, “I’d let you fuck my throat so hard I wouldn’t be able to talk the next day” I exaggerated slightly but it did the trick because the image of it made him moan, deep and guttural, and his head fell back against the pillow again and I swallowed hard, “I’d let you fuck me raw, no condom to keep you from feeling every part of me, taking me however you want, my cunt would swallow you down so good, warm and wet and you’d never want to finish because the feeling of me tight around you would be so good you’d see stars. I’d let you cum in me, filling me up to the brink” My breath hitched as I imagined everything I just said and I stood on the edge, ready to fall over and Hongjoong moaned again, his breathing laboured. “I’m coming babe… Look at me” He ordered, and I complied, met his brown eyes and I choked on my breath as I finally saw what I’d only had been imagining so far. Gasping as he groaned softly, a wrinkle between his brows and his body tensed up, face contorted as he shuddered, and I heard the soft splattered as his cum cover his lower stomach. I fell shortly after, twitching and pulsating as the electric feeling spread through my body and he smiled at the sight of me, eyes so filled with warmth and affection that I had to look away. A shaky breath leaving his lips and I bit my lip and looked up at the ceiling. Content but knowing in the back of my mind how amazing it would’ve felt if we laid skin against skin.

[complicatedandstained]

The Other Day at Hot Topic: Xigbar

There’s nothing Xigbar wouldn’t do for his cousin, Saïx, and his punk, pretty boy boyfriend, but sometimes they test his limits.

Thursday, and Axel texts him at five o’clock in the morning with a ‘pick me up and take me to work.’ No explanation. No please. No heart emojis. Nada.

And it’s Thursday, so there’re no appointments booked, so it’s not even like it’s work that’ll help Xigbar keep the lights on. It’s Axel’s stupid side gig at the mall that he got so Xigbar’s cousin and Axel could keep tabs on each other. Which come to think had probably set Saïx’s therapy sessions back several years. Yeah, better not to think about that at all.

Pulling up to their place, Xigbar dials—speed dial, and Axel must just be loafing in the AC waiting for him, because he picks up damn near instantly.

“Get your tail out here,” Xigbar barks, heat prickling under his collar, and he must sound as grumpy and half asleep as he feels because laughter answers him. Maybe this is why Axel and Saïx call him “Gramps” when Xigbar’s only got a few years on them. Xigbar clicks off the phone before the snarky retorts come in and rolls down his window.

After a few flicks of the butt of Xigbar’s cigarette against the ashtray, Saïx and Axel step onto the porch of their modest condo and into the warm morning air and aren’t they a pretty picture? Towers of muscle, crowned with take no prisoner attitudes, the light settling in their hair to highlight sky blue and sunset red, clutching at each other’s arms in damning insecurity.   

With a final salute of his water bottle to Saïx, Axel sets off down the stone path of their condo, past a pair of paopu trees, out to the curb.

Axel’s metallic gold jeans catch the light and about near blind half the cul-de-sac.

Jesus. As if the guy doesn’t stand out enough already. Saïx must have done something to really tick him off this morning, for him to put on something so attention grabbing.

But hey, Xigbar can help with that. Leaning an arm out the window, he smirks, wolf whistles, growls out, “There’s my sexy future brother-in-law.”

Axel beams back, smug, and tries hard not to look over his shoulder. Is not successful.

Xigbar doesn’t bother. He knows his cousin, practically his brother, and of course Saïx is glaring daggers, fists clenched, jaw stiff. Nobody particularly wants to see a brawny biker/tattoo artist hitting on their boyfriend. That’s pretty much the point.  

Xigbar curls a finger toward Axel before he can climb in the passenger seat. “Travel tax.”

Axel rolls his eyes as saunters up, but he leans in, letting Xigbar kiss his cheek, his fingertips brushing lightly against the redhead’s sharp jaw.

“Missed you too, boss,” Axel teases, meeting his eye, and then straightening up.

It’s been less than twenty-four hours since they’ve last seen each other.  

“Don’t gimme that ‘boss’ crap,” Xigbar counters, knuckles colliding with Axel’s bony shoulder, “it’s supposed to be my day off, and here I am carting you around like we’re friends or something.”

Boy’s damn lucky I’ve got a soft spot for him.

Axel grins. He knows he’s Xigbar’s closest friend by a mile. Even if Demyx insists otherwise. There are more fun words for what he’s got going on with Demyx.

“Yeah, well, car’s in the shop again, and his highness over there has a meeting with the sexiest man alive.” Axel waves off over his shoulder.

“I heard that,” Saïx teases, probably from the porch swing, probably pausing to appease his phone.

Xigbar freezes, processing this, rubbing at his forehead with a palm. “Axel, for God’s sake buy a new fugging…”

Xigbar cuts himself off, wonders if Axel can even afford it. Definitely could if he worked at Never, their boardwalk tattoo and piercing parlor, full time. But, of course, he isn’t allowed. Saïx doesn’t want him to spend all his time with Xigbar, and Axel doesn’t want Saïx to have to go all week without him.

Totally normal. Obviously.

Saïx has probably spontaneously combusted by this point. Xigbar likes to remind him what he’s got to lose. If he doesn’t start treating Axel right, somebody else is gonna do it. Hell, if Saïx weren’t his cousin, maybe Xigbar would do it.

See, Saïx’s discomfort is not altogether unprecedented.

Once upon a time, Xigbar didn’t think anyone could look at a man who’d had his face carved up like a Friday the Thirteenth movie and see anything but the scar—the threat.

Once upon a time, a motorcycle accident left Xigbar with three casts, seven stitches across his cheek, and an eyepatch to boot, and he’d said the hell good bye to the idea of a relationship.

His cousin had flown in to help get him back on his feet. The pair of them had always been close, grew up on the same street, dealing with bastard fathers and empty fridges. When it had gone south with Saïx’s father, he moved in to Xigbar’s house. The young men bonded over a mutual love of kickboxing in high school and, after graduation, when the secrets started spilling, a mutual love of men.

They began to go their separate ways when Xigbar dropped out of his art program and Saïx started getting serious about his classes and counseling. Then Saïx had stayed in Hollow Bastion for work and Xigbar had moved to get away from “work.”

Ridiculous that it was a motorcycle accident that got him and not his previous occupation—security at a bar where everything got shadier with every passing day. Xigbar’s boyfriend hadn’t even believed him when he messaged him what happened. That had been it for them, really.

The accident brought Saïx and Xigbar back together. Somehow, between helping Xigbar deal with torn muscles in his legs that left him with a permanent swagger, and stitches in his face that made it hard to chew, Saïx found time to let the island sun soak into his skin and mellow his thoughts and moods. He called his boyfriend often and, hearing the smile in his voice, the guy agreed that a move to the islands might be exactly the fresh start they needed.  

Then Saïx had brought home Axel. Axel, their childhood friend, who not only accepted Saïx’s scars (and the hefty stick up his rear), but saw the beauty and good humor beyond them. And at a time when everyone else backed up two steps at the sight of Xigbar, Ax’d run at him with open arms, a cocky smile, and a Chicks dig scars, y’know.  

So, horrible human being that he was, after Saïx had gone to all the trouble of nursing him back to health, Xigbar had fallen for his cousin’s boyfriend hard.

Cheesy as hell, yeah, but Axel had given Xigbar hope. He hadn’t thought it was possible for either of ‘em to find somebody, scarred as they were, inside, outside. Let alone someone stunning, strong, intelligent…

‘Course, it had also made him jealous. Because he and Axel got on like fire and paper, and if Xigbar had met him first… 

Well, Xigbar had his vices, but he wouldn’t flip every time Axel smiled at a waiter the wrong way. Hell, if Demyx hadn’t stumbled his way into the picture, Xigbar’s not sure what he’d’ve done.

Presently, Xigbar unlocks the passenger side of his ancient convertible, and as Axel makes his way over, Xigbar salutes his cousin, who, miraculously, remains in one piece.

“Mornin’, Sai.”

But Saïx is blood, his cousin and his friend, and losing Axel would wreck him, pure and simple. And after the hell that was their childhood, Saïx deserves to be happy now. Just, not at Axel’s expense, right.

So Xigbar flirts relentlessly. Treats Axel like a fricking princess. And Saïx is perfectly aware of his crush, less convinced than Axel is that it ended when Demyx came into the picture. (Though it more or less had, except in off moments like these when Axel shines like a goddamn sun.)

But thanks to Demyx, Saïx has no grounds to gripe at him for it. And thanks to the tattoo parlor, Saïx can’t fire him for it. So Xigbar takes a certain pride in getting away with everything, horrible human being that he is.

“Morning.” Saïx’s response is cold, brief, detached. Narrowed blue eyes command him to keep his hands to himself. Not ideal, but better than explosive, Xigbar supposes.

Realizing this is all the conversation he’ll get from the man at this point, Xigbar rolls up his window and pulls lazily away from the curb.

“He let you leave the house in that, huh?” Xigbar’s eye skims the golden denim hugging at Axel’s muscles a final time as they roll out and a knowing smirk lights his lips. “That’s progress.”

“Oh?” Axel sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Is it?”

Xigbar cringes at the unexpected dose of bitterness. He glances over, seeing the man has strapped himself in, crossed his arms, and dedicated himself to staring out the opposite side window, probably watching Saïx climbing into his sensible, sleek black sedan, off to metaphorically solicit himself out to corporate executives.

“No,” Xigbar sobers, reaching across the narrow space to squeeze Axel’s shoulder. “Sorry, snookums. Guess not.”

“One of these days, though,” fingers comb through burnt red hair, jade eyes painfully hopeful, “right?”

Xigbar can’t meet Axel’s gaze for longer than a second. “He loves you, kid.”