#who could have been in this movie. but i wonder if it wasnt a 'fat people didnt want to be in this movie because of the gratuitous

[redeyye]

(with a wholly negative view of this movie) im not going to post about the whale im not going to post about the whale im not g

[fraener]

2/27/23

im drinking some tea that tastes like oatmeal with syrup in it. it’s chai and chestnut tea together with a bit of milk and sugar. last night i made lamb chili and watched a movie from my childhood. i really liked the message of it, i remember it didnt take off quite as big as other childrens movies at the time and i think its cause it had a very clear but convoluted storyline revolving childhood trauma and building resilience from an understanding that things always change and move and the future may be better. this morning i just read something about children being outside of the time conception of adults and how we force them to see and feel time the way we do as they grow up. ive been wondering if time moves so quickly for us because there are so little joyous surprises. all of the surprise is reserved for accidents, illness, death, bad news. our days are too carefully planned by ourselves- children have most things planned for them and we do our best to give children enjoyable and kind experiences. i wonder if things would be different if we treated one another with the compassion we have for children. i also wonder if things would be different if people surprised one another with joyous things more often as well. it shouldnt be rare to hear that someones partner or friend planned a whole day(only just a day) just for them, full of things they thought they’d like and all of it a surprise. children get that every day. im often convinced i knew just as much when i was a child as i do now. it feels like the other wrench in the machine is knowing too much about people. i used to know much more about the smaller animals and plants and things and i felt more like i could be on their time. less responsibility then or more forgiving responsibility so i could do things at my own time was something different as well. i havent been trying to juggle everything for very long, only a couple of years, but i really dont like having so much responsibility. im not sure that anyone does. i want to relearn surprise and find ways to live in which i dont have to “carve out time” from my day. i dont want to live with time anymore and i think id feel a lot better about it if it wasnt so engrained in me at this point. I shouldnt be able to guess the time down to a 5 minute range at any given moment. i remember some of the days going fast when i was a child and some of them going really slow. i dont actually think that time felt like it moved slower then or necessarily that it feels like its getting faster now, i think im just being forced to pay way more attention to it than i used to. this week some of the days have gone really slowly and some of them have gone really quickly. time passes much faster when youre deep in thought or in rest or in a project. time passes slowly when youve got a lot of things to do. i think it might be about finding contrast or ways to build contrast so the different types of time feel more varietal. and to find people who will surprise you. its been snowing on and off the last couple of days between the rain and the freezing. im nearing the end of the quarter, the buds on the oak are getting fat and anxious, ive been hearing the finches rehearsing their spring songs. i feel very clearly that the thing missing from my life is attention to the right things- attention to detail, attention and trust in joy, attention to time moving slowly. a lot of me is consumed by other things. i want to divert my attention away from my obsessive thoughts and cycles. i know this ocd flareup isnt about the food at all. it has nothing to do with food. i think thats just something my parts decided they could control. i think school and the emotional fallout from being in a big abusive relationship and then several smaller, sometimes more disrespectful relationships has really sent me spiraling. i think i need to focus on figuring out what exactly i >can< control. 

[deripmaver]

4 5 6 for ALL OF THE CaPri FANFICS

LKSJMDHGVLKSJ ALL OF THEM???

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue? 5: What part was hardest to write? 6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics?

Ink On Paper (tongue fic) 4. lmfaoooooooo there isn't a whole lot of dialogue in this one oop-

Laurent nodded. The wax softened as he pressed his hand into it, erasing his previous message. Soft, warm, melting under his touch. He wrote again, I need someone who is not afraid to read out the insults I make towards the idiots at court. You have been fired, Damianos.

i guess it technically counts lmfao. i just wanted to show laurent post-trauma still able to make jokes and snipe at his husband so it wasnt all doom and gloom 5. i'm not sure exactly what "hardest to write" here means because like... a lot of these fic have serious gore or otherwise upsetting content, but both emotionally and actually writing wise i find that kind of thing actually pretty easy to write hahahaha. i think i got stuck with the chronology and the decision to make it non-linear made it flow a lot better. for the record writing laurent getting raped and then having his tongue cut out was actually very easy to write, i think i got it out in basically one go. #cancelme the more fucked up and intense the easier i find to nyoom through it 6. my first ever fic in the capri fandom!!!! hehehehhehehe <333333 Level Of Concern (plan B fic) 4.

Before Nicaise could say anything, Laurent spat, “Does he know you had your first heat?”

SURPRISE nic was the one who was pregnant the whole time!!!!!!! 5. this one i banged out REALLY quickly so i cant think of anything here 6. capri omegaverse!!!!!!! i wish there was more of this 🥺🥺🥺 Like Me (what if Auguste was also abused fic) 4. ******CW INCEST MENTION CW ABUSE MENTION******

“Your brother’s stuck his dick in every single member of your family,” Auguste spat out, laughing, crying, and so miserable he thought his heart would stop. His voice rose again, and he felt something burst from him as he screamed for the whole world to hear, “Did you know that? Did you, huh papa? Did he fuck you too?”

dude this line is so fucked up lmfao but i enjoyed writing it so much. actually this entire scene where auguste is having his breakdown was really intense to write and im really pleased with how it came out OR

Auguste grabbed him suddenly, looking up into his grief-stricken face desperately. “Please, Laurent,” he pleaded, voice breaking. “Please. Don’t let him end up like me.”

i felt entirely too clever with this line lmfao. i was like ~ooooohhhhh title drop~ im so dumb 5. i just remember this one like. dragged on for some time. i couldnt figure out what to do with it, how to get everything to coalesce around the final reveal about auguste 6. plot twist!!!!!!! plus auguste angst. i really enjoyed this one, i wrote it after watching the movie Spotlight which is one of my all time faves Softly, Gently 4.

“My King has been overexerting himself again, I presume?” Paschal sighed, shaking his head with a fond smile. “When have I ever done that?” Laurent cocked his head to the side, a wry smile on his face.

hehehehe sassy laurent my beloved <33333 5. honestly im just going to skip this one from now on lskjghmvlksjhglkvsjhdl i just get "stuck" sometimes without rhyme or reason and its usually on boring stuff, but then i cant remember later. the hardest part for me is when my dumb fucking adhd brain wont let me focus on writing but once i overcome that its usually pretty smooth sailing 6. horny omegaverse.................... my beloved............... giving men vaginas for horny reasons my beloved......................... Water of Life (birth fic)

“Do you want to hold him?” Erasmus breathed, eyes glassy. The baby cried, Erasmus bouncing him tenderly in those sunkissed arms. He looked apologetic. “Only for a moment, it’s not quite over yet.” A playful smile danced on Erasmus’ lips, and he brushed away a slick, damp curl from the wailing baby’s head. “A head this big, he certainly takes after Exalted.”

a cute, fun lil line in the sea of horrible angst lmfao ORRRRRR

Erasmus knelt before Damen, before Laurent. He said, “Exalted… Can you command his Highness to push?” Damen froze. “Do you mean…?” Erasmus nodded. “Alpha command.” Damen’s expression crumpled. He said, in a voice that shattered Erasmus’ heart, “I can’t. I can’t do that to him.” Erasmus licked his lips. “Exalted, in this state, he can’t push. His contractions are weaker. He’ll-” “I can’t,” Damen cried, clinging to Laurent’s limp body like a lifeline. “He’d… He’d never forgive me.”

damen is so sweet........ he loves laurent so much...... ORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

He stopped at the doorframe, turning to face Laurent with tears in his eyes, and whispered, “How long does it take, your Highness?” Laurent, shocked enough to respond, hissed, “What?” “I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking of it,” Erasmus said, voice thick in his throat, tears burning at his eyes. “How long until it’s over?”

real sad hours if u up click like. i love erasmus and laurent bonding over their shared trauma <33333333333333333333 laurent and erasmus friendship propaganda 24-fucking-7 bay bee!!!!! 6. unironically this is one of my fav fic ive ever written skdljmfhgvlksjdhflmgkvjshldkjfghvmls call the midwife is one of my favorite shows and writing this made me look at birth as something visceral and possibly horrible and traumatic. i wanna write more fucked up birth scenes, SO MANY MORE. ridley scott knew what he was doing Sandalwood (erasmus/kallias my sweet boys i love u so much) 4.

“I do,” Erasmus breathes, ducking his head, flushed as though embarrassed. “In the gardens, the perfume from the orange trees all around us on those summer nights.” Kallias smiles behind him – Erasmus knows his body so intimately he can feel it in how Kallias’ posture changes, though he can’t see the soft turn of his lips. “The scent was so cloying I thought it would drive me mad. It made me want to kiss you senseless.” Erasmus laughs, breathlessly, imagining the warm heat of Kallias’ mouth against his. “Don’t blame that on the orange trees, dear one.”

beloved..................... im weeping.......... 6. these two make me fuckign CRY ON THE REG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH MY SWEET BOYS YOU DESERVE THE WORLD- Wisps of Smoke******************* (lauguste fic) 4. ***CW EXPLICIT INCEST*** (i mean....... obviously lmfao)

“Call me what I like,” Auguste growled against his ear. “You know what I like.” He did. Laurent did. He knew everything Auguste liked – the slow flick of Laurent’s tongue on the underside of his cock, that tender spot behind his earlobe, the way Laurent’s thighs looked straddled atop him like his horse – and this. “Brother,” Laurent gasped, desperate, “Brother, please, harder. Harder.”

i wanted the incest to be explicitly part of the kink here lmfaoooooo 6. hehehehehehehhehehehhehe lauguste................... i need to write more of u But I Love It (laurent is allergic to latex fic) 4.

“Laurent,” Auguste said, voice high in warning. Laurent braced himself, stiffening visibly. With what seemed to be monumental effort, Auguste continued, “You know, Laurent. I’m proud of you.”

IM A SOFT BITCH OK???????????????? auguste is PROUD of his baby bro for overcoming his sexual trauma and getting that fat dick 6. SLJHVDLMKJDHGVLK PEOPLE FUCKING LOVED THIS FIC i tried to be funny and i think it worked. plus some softe bits thrown in. i also kind of see lots of humor fic where its a no abuse au, but i wanted to write something comedic where the regent still. existed u kno????? anyways hahahahha i dont think i can write anything like this again but im glad y'all liked it Is It Cold In The Water (slice of life fic) 4.

Laurent opens his mouth to say something cheeky, but instead, what comes out is: “Do you think Aimeric had the right idea?” Damen is quiet for so long, gaze serious and framed with his long, dark lashes, that Laurent wonders if he’d spoken aloud at all – and when he’s sure he had, he realizes Damen had remembered Aimeric after all. When he speaks again, the sleep is gone from his voice. “Laurent,” Damen says carefully, as though approaching a spooked horse, “Is something wrong?”

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 soft,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 6. ruby likes this fic lskjdvhmflgksfjdhmvglkjsdhflkvgmjhlekjfhdvlgskjfhv im a SIMP- The Devil's Got Nothing On Me (AIMERIC FIC LEGGOOOO) 4. there are lots of lil nuggets in here!!!!

Aimeric blinks, and all he can think is, you knew? He says, "I – I just." "I am a patient man," Guion breathes, "I support everyone in my household. Everyone. But Aimeric, you are truly testing my patience. Your mother came to me in tears, begging me to find you. Look at what you did to her! There was nothing I could say until we found you!" "I'm sorry," Aimeric whispers, looking at Loyse, "I'm-" "Look at me," Guion roars.

this conversation was inspired by a very miserable encounter with my boss lmfao. fuck that guy and fuck guion

The regent, blue eyes sparkling - and Aimeric has never thought eyes could look just like a summer sky until now - says to Guion but really to Aimeric, "I was thinking I could take little Aimeric riding tomorrow. Just the two of us." Loyse says, before Guion can speak, voice trembling with relief, "I think that's a wonderful idea, your Highness."

~dramatic irony~ lmfaoooooooooo. WE know of course that this is a bad thing, but it's always fun to have characters make bad choices that they have no idea are bad. i also did this briefly in "Like Me" with auguste's ex wife taking nicaise to church because she was so overwhelmed at home and he offered to help. of course, the regent is always happy to help out. evil evil evil

"-was worried it might be difficult for him." A soft, lilting laugh. The guards had said the regent was in the library, and then there is Guion, right there with him. Aimeric is suddenly angry, not sure why his father is with the regent, who is his and no one else's. The regent responds, "I daresay it's been perfectly easy. It seems you've done most of the work already."

i wanted to highlight the fact that it was aimeric's neglect that lead him to the regent in the first place. hence "youve done most of the work already" - guion by ignoring and neglecting aimeric created the perfect environment for the regent to sweep in and take advantage. like leaving food out btwn 40-140 F is a perfect breeding ground for bacteria LOL. the books touch on that but i wanted to make it explicit

He is so, so ashamed. It's unbearable, the thought of her kind eyes, the way she cried for him, the way he pushed her away. Before he'd left to join the prince's guard, she had taken his hand, kissed it, and said in a voice fragile as glass, "It's been such a long time since I've seen you smile like that," but in that moment he could think only of the regent's letter warm in his pocket.

6. honestly i know ive sounded super conceited this whole time but i kind of tear up whenever i read through the end of the fic lmfao. aimeric is just so fucking depressing as a character and i love that i really got to explore that in this fic. he really didnt have anyone, did he????? he's like a tragic greek character where you just watch him stumbling towards his inevitable end and it hurts the whole time. its even worse on the reread ANYWAYYYYYYY thats it. thanks so much for the ask anon!!!!!!! feel free to send me more!!!

[freebooter4ever]

i’ve seen the discussion going back and forth on boundaries and sexual objectification, and i don’t have much to add to the conversation other than to say everyone is allowed to determine their OWN ‘lines’ and just because we don’t vocalize them doesn’t make them any less valid. but here’s the limits i set for my blog if anyone feels it is important for them to know (<3):

personally I consider ‘characters’ fair game for anything goes, with ‘public personas’ a little more iffy. ‘RPF’ isn’t new - it just takes on a new more accessible/visible form nowadays. i remember reading my first fic about a ‘real person’ back in my LOTR fandom days - it was a story in first person perspective about the main character meeting orlando bloom on a plane before he was ‘famous’. like a lot of these types of stories, it wasnt so much about the person as it was about the meet cute. the actor was just a convenient placeholder with a handsome face and some personality quirks thrown in to make the romance/dialogue more specific. i personally dont read much xReader fic nowadays, but mostly only cause i’m an old fart who can’t relate to the ‘you’ format. i miss the good old days when people actually created OC’s and then inserted them into things LOL. but also LOL if you think i’ve gone an entire year of quarantine without some imagined personal fantasies of joe mazzello (or steve aoki in the years before)(ramilicious can attest to this. she can also attest to most of these fantasies ending in friendship rather than anything explicit cause that’s just how i roll these days lol). the line i draw is i would never post these types of fics in a place where the subject could accidentally find them - you have to go looking for this stuff on tumblr, most fics are given explicit ratings and under read-mores. with the blacklist tags it’s pretty easy to filter things out. its even easier to add filters to ao3 searches. i am NOT going to do something like message steve aoki and say ‘yeah i watched that movie Ibiza like five times, here is my 1k fic where you’re the dj and i’m the one night stand’. but obviously people still enjoy imagining scenarios like these otherwise movies like Ibiza wouldn’t exist?

for art, i consider anything already on display up for grabs, we all know a certain person’s ass is all over the place...all you have to do is google ‘need for speed’ and rami’s name. HOWEVER, in the case of actors i personally would not draw anything more explicit than what’s already there. i’m not gonna draw full frontal nudity for rami (unless he gifts us with it in a movie, i suppose) or anyone. this is 100% a personal choice for me. 

i was a sophomore or junior in college when i volunteered as a figure drawing monitor where i’d time the nude model’s poses and help them set up the stage and lighting and such. there was this one guy in his mid forties probably, a regular who came every week, and i always thought of him fondly till one day (the day after i ran into my Hot Programming TA during dinner and later sent him an email begging him to go on a date with me because i was desperate for kissing experience)(and Hot Programming TA emailed me back within minutes saying yes) this artist guy who i saw all the time and thought i knew fairly well, decided to draw me instead of the model. which would have been fine except he drew me naked. i was NOT naked at the time, i was wearing a shirt, and a bra, and a full prairie skirt with alternating calico and floral patterns. he drew what he imagined was underneath all that. he came up to me after the figure drawing session and showed me his drawings and told me i had been ‘glowing’ and my response was to laugh it off awkwardly and get the hell out of there as soon as i gave the model their pay check. but inwardly i was thinking a) i was NOT glowing for this creepy man twice my age and b) i did NOT give him consent to sexualize my body under my clothes and then SHOW me that objectification. i never said anything to him or anything else, i continued to be the monitor, and i continued to field off creepy advances from him including multiple job offers, but when i finally realized i could just...stop..and i passed the student volunteer monitor job on to my friend naeem, i also realized that what that older male artist did was NOT ok in my book. and it was probably not something he would do while naeem was monitoring.

nowadays im working in an industry that regularly objectifies female bodies. in the past year alone i have had to deal with requests to make breasts bigger, i have been given character rigs that in addition to the usual elbow, knee, and spine joints also have ‘nipple’ joints but ONLY for the women (to make them jiggle for animation), every time i send out a female pose i get it back with notes that push it further into the sexy type of body language reserved for women (twist the spine more! sway the back more! give it ‘energy!’), i have been told to erase wrinkles and fat and pores but ONLY for the women (men you ADD pores bc realism! and manliness!) and this is all me working for a company that is actually fairly progressive in terms of sexism compared to OTHER studios.

like it or not, sexual objectification is a huge part of specifically women’s lives and how we react to that is our business. for me, turning the tables and putting men on display feels like fair’s fair. i cant stop the men from doing it, so if i want to enjoy sexualizing male bodies, damn it im gonna! like dang it, boy do i want to send steve aoki a thank you note every time he posts a video of himself doing those ice baths during the sunset golden hour bc holy shit gorgeous or working out in his gym wearing VERY little clothes, but i dont because i know what its like when someone imposes their personal fantasies on the subject. or, god, there was that time i had to unfollow nicole’s insta for a while bc i had a very explicit dream about her and realized, shit, i need to take a break and get my emotions under control before i can refollow. and god some of the stuff i see dudes sending her during her live videos on mental illness/meditation is TOTALLY gross and not something they should be confronting her with. and she’s not even ‘famous’ famous. or how some fans send their idols explicit direct messages without consent. THAT feels inappropriate to me.

a part of me feels like i shouldn’t have to defend this. men don’t. they’re even encouraged in mass media to sexualize women. but i also recognize the importance of talking about consent. the importance of recognizing that a celebrity deserves to have their boundaries respected. these are my lines in fandom. other people have different lines they won’t cross, and that’s okay to me. i block or blacklist any blogs or tags i think go over the top.

heck, even in fandom-only spaces i still try to keep my own more sexual fantasies off this blog and only in private messages with my friends and mutuals, and i feel like that might come across as unintentionally prudish or judgmental sometimes. i’m not ‘horny on main’ very often. but like...every time i reblog that particular ‘washing machine’ gif of joe mazzello am i thinking about him naked and thinking about how he’s got very loooooong feet, and ‘gee i wonder if that means /other/ things are Too Big for my tastes’ but also ‘gosh wouldnt that make a pretty picture to draw’???? hell yeah.

i dont know who is gonna actually read this essay but yolo i guess :)

[redmelon]

hurt (t.h)

summary: y/n has some pregnancy news to tell tom when he comes back from set, but things don’t seem to go to plan when tom also has some heartbreaking news to tell y/n aswell.

angst+fluff

(this is my first time writing a fanfic about tom, and my writings a bit rusty styl, but uno, show some love 🥺❤️<3)

i felt stupid, really fucking stupid but I had no other choice, he deserved to know. also I know that I couldn’t keep this secret for to long to myself.

my hands trembled a bit as a put down my beanie down a little more so it fully covered my ears. the winter air blew threw the night sky as I stood in front of ‘his’ house. the house that was once ‘ours’.

the house that I once lived in. I never thought I would see this house again, forget coming anywhere near it. It bought back millions of happy memories.

but most of all it bought back the memory of ‘that night’. the terrible fucking night, the night he told me he wasn’t in love with me any more. I remember’d it clearly....

I smiled widely looking around the apartment, pleased with myself. I straightened out my red silk tube dress and messed with the two beautiful promise rings that tom had given me for our 2 and 3 year anniversary. my bump wasnt really showing in the dress that I was wearing, since I was only 2 months along the line, and I could get away with it as belly fat. I slowly placed my hand on it as I felt small butterflies do mini flips, exciting me even more.

however, tonight was the night, it was the night I told tom about the happy news that I’d managed to keep in while he was on set for his new film. He’d came back a week ago and was acting pretty distance from me, but I think he just needed time to figure himself out from all the hard work he had been putting in for the new movie, and I understood that.

it was currently 8pm and I was waiting for him to get back from Harrison’s house, I’d text him a couple of times and he’d left me on seen, probably meaning that he was on his way back now. I was actually kind of nervous as impatiently tapping my acrylic nails against the table. I’d set up little plain balloons around the table, and even cooked his favourite dinner but there was still no sign from tom after an hour later.

I decided to call him as I softly placed phone to my ear to hear a few rings and for it to just go to voicemail. I bit the inside of my cheek not so sure now on when he’d come home.

2 hours past and I was started to get tired of sitting in the same place and wearing the heels that tightly hugged my sore feet. but what if just forgot, he’ll probably remeber, I did send him a couple of texts telling him to be here for tonight, if not then the boys will surely remind him.

another hour passed and I felt a warm tear slide down my cheek, my heart drowned a little knowing he’d definitely forgot and he wasn’t coming home tonight, I started to unstrap the little lock of my heels with a blurred vision as a I heard a sob escape from my mouth. I felt a little anger but it all dissolved into a little heartbreak when the tears ran freely again. I wiped my face with a makeup wipe and attempted to tie my hair back when the sound of the door opening interrupted me.

toms body tired body peered through whilst he walked inside purposely avoiding eye contact with me as if he didn’t even know that I was waiting at home for him for a couple to hours now. i instantly faced away trying to wipe away the tears, as if I hadn’t been crying for ages now.

i heard him sigh and place his keys on the counter, i turned around to see his elbows leaning on the marble surface and his face in his hands as If he was quite down aswell. my eyebrows scrunched in confusion as I wiped my nose with the end of my hoodie sleeve which I just put on over my dress.

“tom” I softly spoke taking a step towards him. his hair seemed to be all over the place as he constantly ran his hand through them. he faced up, his eyes red and puffy but held a stern look on his face. My heart broke a little seeing him like this, and all of a sudden all my anger was gone towards him and I just wanted to embrace him in a hug. But something at the back of my mind told me not to.

“what’s wrong.” i slowly said before trying to reach out to him which he quickly backed away from. instantly taken back, I backed my hands away from him. “did anything happen” I calmly said trying not to suddenly scare him.

“fuck y/n nothing happened, stop it for fucks sake” he said slamming his hand on the counter, clearly frustrated. i flinched a little stepping back, not being about to say anything. his not normally like this. I don’t know what’s wrong with him.

“tom, im only asking” I said calmly, “you just seemed a little off that’s why”

his eyes instantly shot up, “well the fuck, your not my mom, just leave me be, i don’t need ur reassurance twenty fucking seven now do i”

confused at his attitude, I breathed slowly trying to process why his acting like this in the first place.

“im your girlfriend tom! I may not be ur fucking mom but im ur girlfriend, and u got to try understand that I bloody care for you, and I want to know why the fuck my boyfriends been so distant and off with me for the last 2 weeks you absolute whack ass” I burst out.

he chuckled swaying his head back at me, before speaking up, “i want some time BY MYSELF, your always acting so clingy and it fucking annoys me, like there’s a thing called personal space the fuck. and I don’t even get that. EVERYTHING IS NOT BASED AROUND U YOU KNOW”

surprised at how quickly this was escalating u scoffed. he called u fuckimg clingy. but he can’t get it into his thick head that I care about him and I want to know why his being like this.

“CLINGY? FUCKING CLINGY? are u fucking kidding me tom. do u even know the definition is. THERES A DIFFERENCE between clingy and fucking caring and you obviously don’t get that, because I fuckimg care for u” the last bit getting a bit quiet as a tear rolls down my cheek. “your unbelievable” I quietly say trying not to break into sobs. I turned around heading for the stairs not wanting to escalate this further.

“for fuck sakes” he says a bit calmer, knowing he doesn’t like seeing u cry, it breaks his heart to see you hurt. “y/n” he speaks softly coming after you. “listen baby” he calmly grabbed on to ur arm which u couldn’t resist into pushing away. “baby” he whispered, “there’s something I need to let off my chest”

confusion hit you slowly but quickly. your eyes met his as he held ur hand drawing little circled on it. you wonder what he had to tell you, you decided if you should tell him about the baby, there’s never really going to be a right time and it was good for u to let off ur shoulders for once and all.

“me too” I softly spoke looking down while tears still blurred my eyes. I wiped them away facing back up. “you can go first” I told him.

he faced away pressing his lips together, heartbreak clearly written in his eyes.

“y/n” he said, “I’ve been thinking about this for a while now and I’ve never been able to let it out, because I was scared of ur reaction”

my heart raced up as I stared at his lips not ready for what he was going to say. I gulped a rock ball that had formed at the back of my throat.

until he stared back up at me and breathed heavily, like he’d plan the whole thing out in his head, before slowly whispering, “i don’t think this is going to work...”

my heart suddenly broke and my knees felt weak as I suddenly forgot everything that was happening around me. My head felt a weird heaviness and my breathing sped up, my eyes blurred with a cloudy mist as I lost focus on what was in front of me anymore. It was like everything had stopped. he wanted to leave me.....

and since then it’s been a month, I knew the news of me being pregnant would wreck him because his not in love with me anymore, but either way he deserved to know, after all he is the father of my baby.

my hands trembling I slowly rang the doorbell, my nerves heightning by the second. several questions swarmed my mind, ‘has he moved on?, ‘has he forgotten about me,?’

i heard a familiar voice shouting, “i’ll get it,”

then the door swung open with a happy looking tom, but his smile instantly faded when he saw me. his look was replaced with a stern one. it was like fire lit arrows shooting at me, my heart broke into small pieces.

“what are you doing here,” he asked me, his hands tightening on to the side of the door.

“i needed to talk to you,” i softly replied my voice barely audible, waiting for his response.

“y/n there’s nothing to talk about,” he sighed looking away for a second, almost having a look of frustration on his face.

i looked down at my feet trying to keep my self together.

“it’s really important and I thi—“ I was suddenly interrupted by an almost angry looking tom.

“goddamit y/n, if it’s about us, and why we broke up, well I think I’ve made that clear,” he stated,

i was taken back at his response and tried really heard not the break down,

“tom,” I said softly trying to keep my tears from flowing , “It’s not about us, it’s something else to do with us involved, and i know it’s going to be hard to believe, and that it’s really confusing but I—,” this time I was Interrupted by a female voice.

“baby who is it?, you’ve been at the door for like a while minute or something,” i heard her say.

babe. So his already moved on from me. i felt my heart collapse more and tears wore themselves into the back of my eyes. I slowly placed a hand over my chest to stop the heavy breathing before it started.

I stared into his eyes with hurt, but tried not to show it.

“it’s no-one, I’ll be there in a minute,” he shouted back.

“oh okay,” she replied, as the noise of tv came back on.

he turned back to face me, “what were you saying,” he asked, a bit calmer this time, he wasn’t angry this time a bit relaxed now.

i stared at him for a while realising how happy he must be in his new relationship, I didn’t want to ruin that, not at all.

“um, you know what, it doesn’t m-matter anymore,” I said putting up a wide realistic smile trying really hard to hold back my tears.

“oh okay,” he replied unaware of the fact of how much I was hurting right now and how confused I was with what to do. I thought he out of all people would be able to notice the pain behind my eyes, of how much I’ve cried over the last one month for this new confusing chapter that is about begin of my life and most of all for him.

“bye I suppose,” he said.

“yeah,” I whispered, my voice barely audible as I turned on my heel and sped to my car and when I was there, I let it all out. I let all my emotions out. it’s amazing how so fucking depressed, sad and alone you can feel from being the happiest girl alive.

it’s just unbelievable. I had no idea what to do or who to turn to help for. my parents had disowned me because I said I wanted to be in a relationship with tom and they’d said “no, honey, believe us when we say, when he becomes this big celebrity he won’t even turn to look at you, he’ll treat you like dirt,”

I didn’t listen to them and let them disown me just so I could be with tom.

and my friends. well they slowly drifted away from me as I started to spend a load of time with tom and more oftenly started going to different countries with him for his shooting.

there was my best friend larissa but she was away on holiday with her boyfriend, so I couldn’t possibly call her and tell her what’s happened. most of my friends didn’t want to be friends with me because they were just jealous I was dating Tom.

sure I had harrison. toms bestfriend and like a big brother to me, but I didn’t want to turn to him for help because his really close with tom and would probably tell him everything.

so basically I was alone with all these problems for myself to decide. alone to raise my baby myself. but this baby could bring me happiness, happiness I need in my life.

tears constantly rolled down my cheeks, my eyes probably big, red and puffy by now.

this baby was going to grow up without a father. this is not what I had planned out for my life but it is what it is. and if this is what my life’s going to be, then so be it.

without hesitation I wiped away my tears, and started my car engine. i’m going to do this. i’ve got be strong and do this, I rode away from his house and that night I left for another town in the country. I didn’t want to stay here any longer, for it to just bring back bad memories.

I wanted to start this new chapter of my life afresh. with new friends, new neighbours, my own little family and a nice small job.

but little did I know, things never went as planned.

~to be continued, part 2 coming soon.

#tomholland #tom #holland #tomimagines #tomhollandimagines #tomhollandstories #tomstories #marvelfanfic #tomhollandfanfic #fanfic #fanfiction #peterparker #pregnancy

[caps-clever-girl]

thoughts on endgame.

fair warning, i am not going to be kind. i enjoyed watching this movie, for the most part. it was funny; it had many good jokes and good, pure and well done interactions between multiple characters. but i didnt like it, and here are the reasons why.

unfortunately, this isnt a ‘nitpicky’ post. my main problems are with a lot of the bigger points points of the film, and had quite a few. this is a LONG post.

• “marvels first gay character!!!!!!!!!!!!” shut up. you joined the ‘fad’ late for brownie points and it was a cameo character who got about 3 lines. there are plenty of canon queer and gay characters who could have been introduced, either as cameos or in earlier films. dont even get me started on the fact that tony has more canon bi material than most others and marvel could have taken the time or even the slightest bit of effort to make this. while i enjoyed the jokes about steve being Incredibly Hot and his ass being Gods Gift To America (which honestly??? correct!) that could have been expanded on. several characters made comments about how nice steve’s ass is, and could have been used as actual material for a queer character, instead of sticking a random chharacter in there. i get the whole ‘gay people could be anyone! its normal!’ thing by giving the ‘role’ to a regular person, but you would also prove that by making any one of your 30+ main cast actually queer instead of making gay jokes and hints that could be retconned and explained away by humour.

• slapping someone out of a panic attack, and treating the panic attack like a joke. yeah, i get it, they didnt have a lot of time. still, come on. did iron man 3 teach you nothing? apparently not since tonys ptsd was pretty much never brought up again.

• speaking of thor. now, i am not an expert, but when a person gains weight, they do not keep their abs. certainly not after five entire years - not even asgardians. i also found it odd that thor became the way he did. i understand gaining weight and comfort eating after all the trauma thor went through losing his home and brother and people, i really do, but 1.) do it properly, at least, and 2.) thor is the leader of his people. does he want the task? not particularly. he hasnt wanted to be king since the first thor movie, but hes been forced into the role. even depressed i dont think thor would shy away from it, not completely. hes always wanted to do right by his people and i think that hed stuck to it, especially after The Snap backing him into a corner, if that makes sense. to clarify, i dont have a problem with chubby/fat thor. (IF done right instead of with weird, shitty cgi, that is.) i have a problem with the fact that thor, even though he doesnt want to be king, would abandon the last remanents displaced people to build a new home all on their own and become a hermit gamer boy. ESPECIALLY with valkyrie around. she’s been through a derpressive, alcohol fuelled time in her life and thor pulled her out of it. (mostly anyway, asgardians are party animals and im p sure she still gets trolleyed on the reg) i have bo doubt that after years of wallowing she would do her damned best to try and kick his ass out of it, even if it were just because his people need a leader, instead of letting him drop everything on her and just let him stew while new asgard gets on with it. i also didnt like the fact that all of thors emotional moments were treated as jokes and made to be funny when hes genuinely Fucked Up about eveything thats happening and made his image into a whiny crybaby.

• professor hulk. more of a personal one, this, simply because i just didnt like it. fair enough if y’all disagree on this one, im not going to fight it. i just never saw him wanting to combine himself with the hulk. ever. when he apleared on the screen i was completely blindsided, and his explanation, and the way he interacted with the kids????? i just want to know where all of this confidence suddenly came from. i use the term ‘suddenly’ loosely, since its been five years, but bruce has never been the guy to care about strength or looks or fame. hes always been shy and nerdy. not afraid to stand his ground or make his opinion known. hes bot a catchphrase, posing and flexing ‘hell yeah lets take a selfie’ guy. i get that thats maybe the result of the hulk and bruces combined personality but it just felt WEIRD to me, like, there wasnt a time in the film where i felt comfortable with the character. this was the final avengers film, with all of the original six avengers in it. but it didnt feel like that, it didnt feel like bruce or the hulk was in the film, even though there was a lot of funny and good moments with orofessor hulk, it felt like a stranger with some familiar characteristics. it ruined any feelings of nostalgia for me. i like bruce, and i like the hulk. i like the way their differences add to the story and the way they interact with eachother, and the slow change in their relationship. sorry if its petty but i prefer them seperate, theres just so much more to them for me.

• clint and natasha’s journey for the soul stone. both times, in infinity war and endgame, a male character and a female character went to get the soul stone. both times the male came back and the female died, and we lost possibly two most developed and main-line female characters in the entire mcu. now i understand the reasoning for both, and out of the characters that went there, i agree with the choice. thanos and gamora; it was thanos who was aware of the sacrifice and who chose to make it. gamora didnt get a choice and was unaware until it was too late. thanos was never going to die there. he knew there would be a sacrifice and chose to take gamora, because she would be the most likely sacrifice to actualky sucsesfully yield the soul stone because she was the most loved by him. i get it, but we lost gamora and i dont like it. clint and natasha; looking at it completely objectively, clint has a family, a wife and three children, that he wants to get back. natasha does not have any children, nor any (blood) family. if i had to choose, based on facts like that, id choose her too. but i still hate it, because there goes the only female member of the avengers. also, nebula (and i think maybe rocket?) KNEW that a sacrifice would be made and either accidentaly or deliverately left out the terms of aquiring the soul stone. it would have been easy to tell, if not easy to solve. but nothinb was said, and two best friends had to make a fucking awful and horrible choice when they might not have had to.

• on the ‘feminism’ tangent; the random congragation of women in the end scene??????? i dont????? okay so i am marking myself as a hypocrite here because i did love this scene!!! it made my lil gay heart go boom to see so many good and strong women all in one place - ESPECIALLY rescue - and it also made me realise how many women there actually are across the mcu??? which was really nice?? but it just felt... so forced? the way they ALL suddenly apleared and stood together even though they were all mixed in around the battlefield. it was a wonderful thought and i did enjoy it, but it seemed too Off and Odd to seem as much more than a bid for Feminism Brownie Points.

• captain marvel. i dont know about you, but i was actually looking forward to her being in the film. for a character so hyped to be the saviour of the avengers and the end of thanos, she was barely in the film. ‘i have other planets to save, the earth isnt the only one affected by thanos’ yeah but earth is the only plannet actively attacked by him. its where the people who are rallying to fight him and reverse what he did are. dont you want to stick around and help them? surely it would be a hell of a lot easier with your help, and faster too. yes, she blasted theough the ship at the end, but she did fuck all to help defeat thanos himself, and the help she did give with the ship came at the end. i genuinely think they kept her out of the movie because she was too powerful, and would have made fighting thanos etc too easy to get all the suffering and noble sacrifices in. if she had been a side character i dont think id be as mad, but she got a whole MOVIE in which she is clearly the start of the entire avengers initiative; she is their HISTORY!!!! she is so powerful!!!! and yet she has 5 mins of screen time!! it pisses me off that she was So Strongly implied to be the character the avengers NEEDED, the one that without whom it would be IMPOSSIBLE to defeat thanos; the woman that really tipped the scales in there favour, and yet she did fuck all. (and lets not even get started on the carol/rhodey and carol+tony bromance we COMPLETELY missed out on.)

• (speaking of bonding what the fuck happened to tony and nebula????? after they were rescued it was like they never met)

• the whole entire concept of time what the fuck!!! ‘dont change anything’ okay well for the most part you did okay, and the PLAN and CONCEPT was actually really easy to grasp, at least to me, which is hard when working with paradoxes and wibbley-wobbley timey-wimey stuff. but that went out the water when past!thanos and his army were brought into the future and disintergrated. does this mean they’re dead in the past - since they would have just. Left and not come back and therefore ceased to exist from that point???? or did tonys Snap simply send them back to their point in time, with no memory of what had occured? idk because it aint explained.

• speaking of; loki. again - his past changed; he managed to escape, with the tessarect. this is not explained nor expanded upon. assuming the events of thor 2 came about - which were impossible if he escaped - then his timeline would carry on as normal, and would PERHAPS explain the tessarects wacky timeline. (i dont know for certain, because i cant work it out anyway). but loki disspearing means he wouldnt have gone to trial on asgard, nor would he wouldnt have been in thor 2 - also by extention meaning that frigga is still alive. technically if he went back to get odin off the throne anyway, everything else after thor 2 involving loki/asgard would still come to pass. either way, we dont know. it was a nice way for endgame to give fans what we wanted; the posibility of loki coming back. but it doesnt make a lick of sense, and we have no idea if hes still alive/escaped or not, and why. personally i have no fucking idea and im pretty sure it was a cop out so they could give us what we wanted. which brings to my other point:

• giving the audience what we wanted. we got loki interaction. we got loki ‘escaping’ and ‘surviving’ (????) we FINALLY got rescue, who many fans have been asking for since i think iron man 2, and even more so since The Badass That Was Pepper Potts in im3. we got morgan stark and tony and pepper married, we got jokes about steves ass, and more jokes about male characters admiring how hot other male characters are. and, most importantly, we got tony having the nice relaxing life he wanted out in his cabin in the woods with his wife and kids (even if it was a horrific way of getting there). i dont quite know how to explain it, but to me it seemed like they were shoving as many ‘fan-requests’ into the film as possible - so that when they killed off 2 of the original 6, and removed another by ageing him out of use, they could lessen the backlash and justify the changes by going ‘but you got so mych that you wanted beforehand!!’. a tactic they drenhed us with because one of those 2 was a fan favourite that people were BEGGING not to be killed off because they felt that he hadnt recieved anywhere near the peace or happiness he deserved so far - and now never will. which brings me to:

• tony’s death.

there are two parts to this.

one, i was incredibly pissed off because strange’s Big Plan, the ONLY reason he saved tony in infinity war, was so tony could use the gauntlet and kill himself anyway later. anyone in that film could have used that gauntlet - and many wouldnt have suffered fatal injuries; captain marvel, steve, t’challa, peter quill to name a few possibilities - basically, anyone who is in anyway enhanced would have had a better chance of surviving and would have therefore been the better choice; aka, half the mcu. i think it was a proximity thing; tony was closest. he had the oppertunity and the others didnt. but tony didnt know about the option of using it until strange looked at him and gave him ‘the signal.’ the signal to sacrifice himself. and of course, this is tony stark. when is he ever going to refuse that.

but reason two, and this is the one that stings the most; tony started the mcu.

in my opinion, he is the character who has put the most in during the whole ten years. he, of ALL the characters, deserves his happy ending of marrying the love of his life and having a kid, without constantly fearing that hes foing to have them ripped away from him, that hes going to have to fight to the death to keep them safe.

one of my friends, when i complained about tony dying, said; “it was his time. plus, he had a legacy! with pepper and morgan, and the iron man name. how can you be upset?”

i can be upset because tony got the happiness he wanted after losing exactly 50% of what he held dearest. i can be upset because hawkeye got his family back, but tony only got five years with his wife and less with his kid, instead of getting the oppertunity to grow old with his wife and watch his kid go to collage like clint will. i can be upset because the character that has gone through the most trauma, both physically and mentally, who spent the last ten years trying to better the world and everything in it and protect it, who got the most shit for every decision he made and who ended EVERY SINGLE FILM with a broken limb or his face littered with bruises and cuts while every other film centric character ended the film usually scrape free, didnt get his happy fucking ending. sure, he has a legacy. but i dont give a shit, because that legacy - of iron man, of morgan and pepper and stark industries - would have been there whether tony was alive to see it flourish or not. but he wont be.

this goes beyond being a ‘tony stan’ or tony being my favourite character. out of every single character, from start to finish, anthony edward stark fucking deserved a happy ending and by god he deserved it the most. i will argue that until my end of days.

i watched tony stark on screen for ten years, and i watched him get progressively more scarred and fucked up. his parents. the ten rings. losing yinsen. obie. vanko and hammer. the palladium poisoning. new york; the nuke and the wormhole. the ptsd, the panic attacks. the iron legion and retirement attempt. killian and extremis and the end of that returement attempt. wanda’s vision. jarvis being destroyed. the accords and subsequent civil war. finding out about the winter soldier and his hand in his parents death. finding out that steve knew. siberia. struggling to balence iron man and the accords. losing peter. being stranded on titan, in space for weeks.

tony in that wheelchair, shaking and rail thin and unable to stand for more than a few moments will haunt me forever.

i watched him suffer for ten years - longer, even, in-universe - clawing for his quiet, happy ending while fighting for the happy ending he thought the rest of the world deserved, and instead of getting rewarded he just got beaten down and beaten down. after ten fucking hears of watching the backbone of the entire franchise get nothing but shit piled on him until he struggled to breathe for it, excuse me for thinking he woukd finally get the chance to crawl out from under it and be happy. no strungs attatched, no awful, sacrificial price to be payed, just for a man who had given so. fucking. much. to finally get something for once, and be allowed to keep it.

well i was wrong. and i feel so incredibly fucking stupid for even hoping otherwise.

and thats what i didnt like about avengers endgame.

[dayna-scully]

ncis/tiva s7 lb

season 3  |  season 4   |  season 5  |  season 6   |  season 8   |  season 9  |  season 10  |  etc

Truth or Consequences

I’ve never really been able to tell whether or not tony was acting in this bit

small muscles, big brain

coffee aficionado and functional mute

it never fails to astound me how much effort media has put into demonizing muslims

I was gonna say it was love driving tony, but I suppose that factors into vengeance

Tony’s full of bs

tony was not dealing well with not having ziva there

we have to deal with the writers pining over Kate for like 11 years but ducky’s over ziva being around after like 2 months? What is wrong with y’all

ziva’s not replaceable

tony, not keeping himself together as well as he used to

even after jeanne he was not so messy

what kind of failure/the kind with casualties

lotta sand

it’s not normal that we haven’t heard from ziva

I swear to god they use my name the most for tertiary characters, there were at least three just last season

I don’t know why they had to make Tony’s trauma fugue funny

neither of them were expecting that

it had to be you

you should not have come

you thought I was dead? then why are you here?

couldn’t live without you, I guess

he couldn’t leave her alone

she is very melodramatic

but so is tony

isn’t that the same “village” tony went to with Nikki

they’re not aliens, tony

stay alive long enough to not get dead 🤔

her own biological father doesn’t love her enough to save her

yeah gibbo!

I don’t understand how he could have possibly got there so fast but ok

I hate group claps

hella cringey

7x02

she’ll call when she’s ready

she looks so much better

bb girl

an angel

sleazeball

why would you egg a church?

why would you tell someone to their face that they’re “damaged goods” what the fuck

long, silent, meaningful eye contact

and mcgee chattering in the background

spots are still to tender for normal verbal barbs

I will be right here

what is wrong with Abby

he did kill Michael partially because he was jealous

mostly to protect her but

SHE IS ASHAMED OF HERSELF WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

no normal person ever calls tony sir

so why are you avoiding tony

it had to be said in the men’s room

and double parked/yes, I noticed

I could not afford to trust you

cue ugly crying

I wonder why he could not look her in the eye

the neck grab is so intimate, and definitely echoes her face touch

waiting in dad’s basement

HE’S HER DAD

ziva’s here

7x03

that is total salami/baloney

ew dinozzo

oh bb ziva

7x04

it looks like a damn teen wolf convention

ziva hasn’t been ziva since we brought her home

everyone just keeps dumping on her

gibbs isn’t acting like he’s on team ziva

at any cost

he’s her dad

I did not mean to live through it

he’s her dad i’m cry

bb probiee

7x05

agent David

personal space

uhhh let me check, ziva?/no

digital images don’t work that way!!!

that’s so high school flirting

I say it with love

prankster probie

7x06

sleepy probiee

who says you have a say

stealing our precious body fluids

wh…what body fluids is ziva stealing from you tony?

ah, shame, my pencil broke

smug lil probie

we have been instructed to sit on the baby

I wanna see ziva with tali 😖

worth is so much hotter with long hair

7x07

normal work partners

that really looks like the diner from bones, and it’s definitely the one they used previously, but I would assume the bones one was on the fox lot? And that cbs wouldn’t have access to it

tony goes on a schpiel about how attractive Kai is and then tells ziva they must be alike

ok tony

you annoy me sometimes/sometimes?/most of the time

why is she nice to you and not to me?

because you’re emotionally repressed and can’t keep your mouth shut dinozzo

hey ziva, what the fuck

does tony have to sit behind ziva to work?

Tony’s jealous of mcgee, he’s jealous of Dunham…he can’t get any and his crush doesn’t seem to like him back

well well well how the turn tables

he cleans up nice/not that nice

he’s not being a big brother ziva

brother-zoned

last thing I need is a chad Dunham

hey ziva what the fuck

why are you looking at Tony’s dick

if you believe in that kind of thing

yeah mcgee a double date

oh mcgoo

7x08

that’s a looong time to be stuck in an elevator

it was either you or the watch

well we could be stuck here with tony

7x09

are you letting some blonde bombshell baste your bird, tony?

you dork!!!

normal

track-tor

I guess?????

I wonder if they styled that girl like flashback!shannon on purpose

ew god why

the favourite gets to ride shotgun

ziva, mean muggin’

aw, happy gibbs is so rare

7x10

yes I’m sure souther California gets a lot of snow

stop making my team fat

with his brother Darrel and his other brother Darrel

including the language of love, ten

those look more like sugar cookies but ok

bullheaded stubbornness

you’re one to talk, z

bah humbog

tearing up cause she’s proud of her boyfriend

7x11

tweeeeeting

perhaps baby bird is ready to leave the nest

jet packs…yeah, it’s gonna be a weird one

we spend a lot of time here, just the three of us

smug!!!

we always get the shots of ziva checkin these dudes out

you’re quoting better off dead, I told you to watch that

McGee is such a dork

fucking adorable

is that, like…necessary

a Thief

oof gibbo be nice

she acts like she hates me, but she talks like she likes me

gibbs has a crush

I don’t speak Canadian

hmm

why can’t shows just shoot pictures instead of photoshopping them badly

7x12

mind your own business/ooh, grouchy

ziva is ziva, nothing to tell

that is too disgusting to translate

why in the world did they ever hire senior

Tony’s REAL dad meeting his bio dad

ugh I hate him

poor tony

you may have to hire someone to protect him from me

gibbs has several children, one of whom is your son

Jetlag

ahhhhh!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!! Paris!!!!!!

I slept well last night, why, didn’t you? You certainly looked…comfy enough

oh???? Really????

that is not an innocent face

cute cute cute

we had enough “together”

you askin me on a date, duck?

I think Paris changed her

act natural!!!!!

you’re complementary

are you sure you two never?/no. positive. definitely no.

a good fit

she’s so soft about tony though

even if she is lying about where she slept 👀👀👀

caveman grunts

she adores him

why did you just lie to mcgee?/why’d you lie to Nora?

she’s trying so hard not to blush

his favourite picture

7x14

ugh that’s cringey

well we know his “little dinozzo-makers” survived…

the kids giggling about dad and his crush

TOTALLY NOT EAVESDROPPING

totally innocent

I am going to go…get a haircut

I think technically we own the building

come on ziva

(soft!!!!!)

what salim did was bad enough

I don’t really remember a lot of these episodes

the big tiva ones, yes, but the other ones not really

I guess we just have better nerds than you do

7x15

aww worth bb

I wish they could’ve gotten him to replace dinozzo

“get ziva and dinozzo out of bed”

“individual beds”

EVEN MCGEE THINKS THEYRE SLEEPING TOGETHER

boyfriends

how does ziva know where he sleeps

worth is very werewolf-y

no I was wrong they’re not boyfriends they’re husbands

ziva’s got sex face

Jean jacket ziva 💕💕💕

cutie

don’t be a dick tony

I only have one nose and it’s on my face

jealous tony

yeah whatever, you already slept with my wife

F U!!!!

Tobias dukes-in’ it

i wasnt askin ya!

it’s fun to make tony jealous

7x16

book suppository

our girls

7x17

keep your story straight but not so straight that it’s exactly the same

7x18

I’m glad I wasn’t your valentine/so am I

Casey!!!

but it is the coast guard

she loooves him

you mean he’s deceased, too?

he used to sing with the monkees/real monkeys?

I envy your brain sometimes

ducky’s bow ties are back

movie date!!!

What are you doing with me, watching a movie on a Friday night at work

you are my friend

really/no

both of your “dates” “cancelled” so you…decided to have a date together?

what was she thinking of saying??

she loooves him

7x19

are you two dating now?

a seven year bitch

that was a very bad fake slap

why couldn’t they have had ziva there

ziva is barely in this one

she loves him

things were hanging out? that is disgusting

7x20

once and future king of dorkland

Sand mites might bite

ziva is very proud of her dad

we have hit a shamu

I may have to hurt you

7x21

what would this woman possibly see in you

take ziva with you

ziva’s not used to being the jealous one anymore

tony is being a creepy stalker

Rivera turns out to be a villain, I think

ziva is concerned about tony

I forgot that Obama was president when this would have aired

tony sitting separately says a lot

he would usually be the one beside ziva

tony, being unwarrantedly intimate with a stranger

a quiet bookstore owner as a Russian spy is actually really interesting

7x22

Jamie!

toe cheese

realizing tony and ziva lied about Paris 👀👀👀

oh gibbs

7x23

cowboy gibbs

what are you, anti flan?

ooooh gibbo

oh gibbs

7x24

fathers and daughters

they’re his children, not his coworkers

staring at dad

personal space

ziva bb

looking for her dad and her boyfriend

[noidsome]

The big issue with the digimon tri movies, and why you should be pissed too.

I just finished watching the 5th digimon movie, and to put it short, i excpected nothing and im still let down. This is a big negative critique on what ive seen so far from the tri movies, but its also more of a vent for me, because theres something about these movies that really fucking grinds my gears and i feel i finally need to let that out somewhere. Look at this as a sort of....badly written analyctic rant. So far this movie, in short, was as i dreaded, 70% meiko bullshit and 20% kari...which is so fucking insulting i dont even know...but thats why im here.

Now before you assblast me with your stupid crap, please try to understand that as harsh as im writing this, im trying to look at this movie from a critical standpoint, and no im not going to put in the effort to be “nice” about it because if digimon tri can get away with half assing everything about itself, then wont bother. If you cant handle that, move on. If your interested, click the read more and we can begin this shit fest, because i think its about god damn time someone put these mediocre movies in their place.

The pacing.

I dont know about you guys, but to me it feels like these movies, or episodes, are either dragging on forever, or they rush really fast. This movie especially took its sweet ass time to give us 2 whole half an hour scenes of meiko being depressed about her shitty OC digimon, to leave the actual interesting fights and plot to 1 and a half episode, out of 4. Im sorry but i feel like ive been following this fucking story for 6 years, its so fucking slow and it drags on for fucking ever sometimes.

I do understand that its important to establish character interactions, and god damn does this fucking series need some, but sometimes it really stops the action dead in its tracks, and as much as i appriciate the movies giving each character some focus, it goes on for too long. the ending to movie 5 was....well rushed as shit. 

But despite all this, its just really frustrating that half the entire series is just them standing around and TALKING...talking talking talking, exposition exposition exposition. It also feels really slow and stagnated sometimes, and the cheesy music in the background of the sad scenes dont really help much. And other times things are glossed over so fast that im standing there wondering if i missed out on something because i accedently blinked. Like how they entered the digital world, only to just suddently fall out of it immediatly after from a big digital gate just like that. Or how meiko just...SUDDENTLY appeared in the digital world with no warning or real reason. huh?? shes here now?? what?? meicoomon is still infected? what?? gennai is back with the dark masters? what where did they come from? why are they following him!? WHAT?? HUH??? HELLO???

im just….frustrated. im frustrated that i have to wait for 6+ months every a new movie comes out, only for the movie to stall for fucking ever and leave the actual OH SHIT moments to the last part, AND END ON A CLIFFHANGER. Its such fucking god damn bait to get us to watch the other movies, its almost INSULTING how incredibly obvious it is. Last movie ended with gennai fucking around and choking meiko. Then, as i saw my fat ass down in the chair, waiting for the big battle, no meicoo just...opened portals and then left with her copy paste army. Oh well so much for that. 

Then the digidestined actually FALL OUT OF THE DIGITAL WORLD, and they are right back to standing around and getting chased by the cops...and then they spend THE REST OF THE EPISODES on meikos useless crying and baiting for meichi shipping material. im sorry but was that neccecary? was it neccecary to stop the entire god damn movie just so we could have tai standing there with spaghetti falling out of his pockets? and the mega evolutions for the other digimons felt really rushed too, i had hoped for more build up...but guess i get fuck alll.

The filler.

Now i do enjoy myself a little “filler” once in a while, i wont lie. and i will also not lie when i say that i really enjoyed seeing my boi tais hot nipple-less body. But, again…. DID WE NEED THE FIRST HALF BEING JUST THAT?! i swear to fucking god if you cut out all the filler content from these movies your going to get the entire series down to 5 episodes. Movie 2 was just...filler. fucking filler. i didnt have much issue with movie 3 but they just NEEDED to shove more meiko in..

movie 4 was kind of a bitch to sit trough because the whole damn “plot” made no sense. why was soras digimon the only one who was mad and while the others were just like before? why JUST her? why couldnt the others be like that too? Its just plot convenience at this point. and then it was pretty much just watching tai and matt spew spaghetti out of their pockets and be awkward because sora cant communicate with her friends like a normal person. Honestly it was a little charming at first but it got old pretty quickly…and then dark masters out of nowhere that died as fast as they came on. what a rushed little cameo for that extra nostalgia bait.

Honestly i found myself first liking the character interactions a little once the movies took a break from the action and fighting...but i much more often found myself angrily tapping my foot and going “REEEE MOVE ON.”

The god damn meiko.

Alright you all saw this one coming probably. Now let me just start by saying, i originally didnt mind meiko, or the idea of a new digitestined in the first place. Its welcoming to try and add something new to your otherwise soulless nostalgia cash grab. However we need to look at her from a critical stand point. im not trying to start a hate train, im just going to analyze her for how shes written as a character.

Im sorry to say this guys, but no matter how you look at her, shes a mary sue. Im sorry but all the tropes are there!! but why do i feel this way? heres why:

Her digimon is the sole reason for everything going to shit.

her digimon is in adult stage like gatomon just because.

essentially her digimon is “special”

all the other kids befriended her really fast just because.

everyone likes meiko and nobody seems to have a problem with her

shes the typical “uguu” shy type of girl.

her digimon OF COURSE won the costume contest in movie 2 or 3

leomon finds HER DIGIMON adorable enough to make the others run off... of course….

she cries constantly and does nothing but wine as the others hold her.

She takes up MAJORITY of the screentime for almost all movies. Almost.

POSSIBLY a relationship with the main character, if they actually are baiting us with those scenes in movie 5.

acts and feels like a self-insert OC in a canon universe.

The reason i dont like her is just because im SICK OF HER!! im sick of seeing her fucking face every god damn movie. im sick of the others shoving a friendship speech or talking about her belonging to them for the 700th GOD DAMN TIME, im sick of constantly hearing ME-MEI and MEIKOOOOOO, and im so fucking sick of seeing her sit down and cry or act sad and do NOTHING! shes just THERE TO BE THERE! her “cute little sneezing quirk” wasnt even something they bothered keeping any more. Shes so god damn obnoxious and shallow, and the ENTIRE HALF OF THE 5TH MOVIE WAS SPENT SHOVING MORE FRIENDSHIP SPEECHES IN HER FUCKING HEAD UNTIL SHE NUTTED UP AND STRAIGHT UP TOLD THE OTHERS TO AXE OFF MEICOOMON, while kari got 5 fucking minutes and got posessed or some shit i dont fucking know, does anyone care at this point?! 

shes such a god damn self insert its PAINFUL! and ive read plenty of crappy OC digimon fanfiction in my days to be able to tell when someone props their crappy OC in a canon story. IVE DONE IT MYSELF!! its INSULTING that im watching a canon produced digimon FANFICTION more then an actual OVA. If you like her, FINE, but you CANT ignore how incredibly shallow and flawed shes written. This isnt someone “hating female characters” this is someone whos frustrated a shittly written character who is just causing repetitive sob scenes over and over and over. im sorry but have we not gotten enough flashbacks from meiko and her digimon? do we need 4 more in the fifth movie??? WE GET IT! ITS SAD! SHES SAD!! THEY ARE FRIENDS! MOVE ON ALREADY!!

i dont feel bad for her anymore, its just getting repetitive now. She ate up the entire 5th movie and left nothing to kari but the sloppy leftovers at the end, and because she ran off like an idiot to meicoomon she got tai axed off too……………...but i will get to that.

The lack of animation.

The biggest insult, and this is….dare i say…….something coming from an animation student, is the insufferable animation. The first movie is fine, but from thereon, i feel like the quality dropped significantly. and oh boy, dont get me started on the amount of time they just pan a fucking picture instead of animating them doing shit.

im sorry but did i wait 4-6 months for a fucking clipshow? I know that animating is hard, and the animation industry in japan is absolute fucking shit, but come the fuck on guys. i think movie 5 had so many times where they just panned pictures of the digimon fighting, and the kids running. I guess when you put all your budget into overanimating the short action scenes you got, you dont have much left for them to trow a punch outside of that. and i wouldnt mind if they had just bothered not doing it so much. they do it WAY TOO OFTEN!

in the 4th move they didnt even fucking bother drawing the kids wet while they were in the water. no wet droopy hair, no indication the clothing was soaked, nothing. not a god damn fucking detail or anything.

The nostalgia bait

Hey kids, remember the bus in the digital world??? remember the gear desert? remember the house mimi was a princess in?? remember the pink forest? remember seadramon? remember the dark masters???? remember any of that shit!? remember primary village?! YEAH??? REMEMBER ALL THOSE COOL 01 THINGS??? ok cool, anyway moving on.

The lack of personality/soul

one thing im really passionate about is expressions. expressive characters and facial expressions i something i enjoy drawing a lot. in the original digimon, every character was spesifically designed to be its own thing. sure they stank of the 90s, but they wer UNIQUE. Digimon tri has trown all that shit out the window. Now they all look boring as hell. the only unique thing about them now is their hair. take that away, and you get a bunch of similar looking, boring samefaced characters.

the digimon movies are just so fucking SOULLESS! everyone looks so god damn watered down and tame compared to their former selves. everyone wears a school uniform even when they got summer vacation. they even wear school uniforms as they get to the digital world, and they have NO facial expressions. NONE! the way they talk and show emotions is almost nonexistant. even once they are seriously screaming at someone or focusing on something serious, they still have that stale, boring as shit facial expression. stone faced and COLD! its like you dont even care!! seriously its so frustrating to watch sometimes because they are so god damn bland and barely deviate at all from their typical “idle” face.

^count how many fucking times tai makes this face troughout the entire series. 

^am i the only one who thinks they looks very..bland and dull here? and this happens way too often.

seriously, watch the movies again and notice just how little the animators bothered giving them any fucking emotions. the screenshots here are just from a few minutes in the new movie.

And dont get me started on how everyone seemed so.........accepting of tais “death” i mean sure they might still be in shock,.....but......why did none of pic under appear???? 

WHy was everyone so.....noble??? except kari...who got....fucking owned.

and the digimon....most of them are just....comic relief now. i feel like most of them have little personality, but fucking agumon. what the FUCK have they done to agumon!? hes just a walking talking “i like to eat” joke. hes fucking nothinng. an empty boring sack of shit who just talks about food and NOTHING ELSE!! oh and maybe fights sometimes...but seriously.

The BAIT.

The trailers for these movies have made me fall into the bait they put out. But its getting infuriating now. All the trailer bait for movie 5 was just taken form the last 5 minutes of the film. that little teaser we all thought were going to show the dark ocean? yeah that was what….5 seconds at the very last minute of the movie? Hime was the one who went there, and they even rushed that part. 

remember when we all tought that tai was the kaiser because the animators thought they copy the excact same hairstyle? remember how they all baited us with the kaiser thinking we were gonna get some 02 action? i sure as FUCK do.

i LOVED the last minutes of the movies. i loved the last half of episode 3 and the entire episode 4… but im so fucking angry that i have to wait 4-6 months for the conclusion to when the movie was JUST GETTING INTERESTING! i fucking hate it!!

The 02 kids, or lack thereof.

Ok honestly ive completely forgotten about them, and i dont understand why they bothered putting them in this movie. and they give us absolutly nothing to go on for ALL of the movies! WHY? WHATS THE POINT?! with this series endless stalling, how can they possibly explain their absence or death or whatever in what little time we have left?! how will they half ass this?! i seriously dont get how they can begin with something so intense, only to give us absolutly nothing till the last movie, IF AT ALL!

Taichis “””””””””””””””””death.”””””””””””””””””

So the fuckers had the BALLS to kill off my boi tai. They actually went there. they fucking killed him off. AND LEFT IT ON A CLIFFHANGER! wow fucking good job guys, you sure got me there. i cant believe tai is fucking dead.

except wait a second here…..tai isnt dead. of course he fucking isnt. i mean come the fuck on, are you really expecting them to kill off their marketig king? the face of all their merc? PLEASE! we all fucking know that hes going to come back. THEY BASICALLY SPOILED THE MOVIES FOR US ALREADY, didnt they say in an interview far back that these movies were whats going to lead everyone up to their careers? so why the fuck would tai die when we know hes going to be an ambassador? 

i dont fucking understand why they even bothered with this fake ass death. WE KNOW HES GOING TO COME BACK! im not mad that tai “died,” im mad that they actually bothered making it a cliffhanger, as if we arent going to fucking figure out hes coming back in the next movie. WHATS THE POINT?! Are they going to just shove him off till the last 5 minutes of the last movie? is that it? are they going to do what they did to kari? or are we FINALLY going to see tai resolving his persional issues that have been shoved away to make room for everything else? who knows, who cares at this point?!

The conclusion

Digimon tri was something enjoyable for me to look forward to..but now, its just a bunch of frustrating, medicore, nostalgia cash-grabbing shitfests of movies, and i need to get it out of my system. 

Im angry because i have to wait 4-6 months between each movie only to get nothing. im angry that i have to wait 4-6 months for an hour long movie that has actual content thats 20 minutes long. im sick of having my excpectations set to low, only for them to be lowered even more. im sick of seeing meiko basically becoming the main characters as the others are somewhat side characters at this point. im sick of the shit-tier animation quality and the stone-bored dull surprise faces. im sick of wanting this to be good, only to see that the fucking directors and animators arent even fucking trying anymore. Im sad, that the sequel was put in the hands of incompetent fucks who only know digimon trough their most basic character traits, and nothing more.

i do like tri...and im sad to see it go so soon….but part of me wants to get this over with, because if you like it or not, tri isnt a passionate fan sequel. tri is a boring, mediocre cash grab, and im sad it cantt be more then that, and im sad its over soon...

[relatablyinsane-blog]

Quadpolar Part 2!

Just want to let you know that i had instant bloggers remorse after that last post. Welp, I've stepped in it now.

So i totally forgot to mention that I'm adopted (see: Symptoms of ADHD; rushing, inventiveness), pretty important stuff. That means my nice, old fashioned, very old, worked in the post office their whole life parents are not, in fact my real parents. What they did was reach into a barrel of discarded babies and pull out a meth head kid. (Sorry to my biological mom reading this, we have to go in context for a bit). For the sake of sanity my adoptive mom will be Mom and my biological mom will be Mama, although that didn't happen til MUCH later.

I was adopted at birth and told as soon as i was old enough to understand, something i appreciate my adoptive parents for. They never kept secrets from me, made sure i knew what sex was right off the bat, my super paranoid mom even gave me a book CALLED "Child lures" (I'm not kidding this was literally a pedophile's handbook for a seven year old to read, look it up. Fucked up.) But as far as how true it all was, maybe I'll never know.

What I was told by my adoptive mom was that my biological mother was a drug addict with two other kids already (my sister was 4 and my brother was 2). My father, who she was with at the time, was also a drug addict. As the story goes (i still haven't dared to ask), while high on meth one day he beat my baby brother so bad that his ribs and arm were broken and he now has permanent neurological damage. Last i knew my brother had just gotten out of jail and was homeless, so his life hasn't really improved. That was about the time the state of Arkansas decided that my mother, pregnant with me at the time, would no longer have custody of her children and we would all be placed for adoption immediately. My sister and brother, who shared a father that was different from mine, were placed in an orphanage and my Mama chose my adoptive parents to take me from birth. I had no correspondence with her for decades and didn't want to- to me she was a vile, despicable woman like all the drug addicts in the world- but i had mever even met someone on drugs so what did I know? So, born in Arkansas, raised in New Jersey and then....

Fast forward to the good part: the part that sticks my crazy ass in the awful state of Maine. I liked vacationing there, but did i want to move there? Hell no! My one best friend in the world, the boy next door who I'd grown up with and was the same age as, was not coming with us. It was in the middle of nowhere, on the eve of my Fifth grade year. Having skipped a grade, I was only 9 at the time. I distinctly recall my first car ride to the rural beach town, during which I had a small mental break down and screamed "THEY'RE DRIVING TRACTORS ON THE ROAD!!!" because that was just <i>unheard of.</i> The only kid on the street, eventual cheer captain, straight A student and model child was my age but wanted nothing to do with the hyperactive menace next door who came over uninvited and played with the dogs. Yep, that was me. Forcing myself into the company of people who didn't want me around.

And thus I started school at the local K through 8. Wait. K through 8? How many kids went to this school????? Must be like TEN THOUSAND!! Back in Jersey there were 2-3 grade levels to a school, 30 kids to a class and 11 of each grade.That's over 600 kids in just two grades! (And i still had no friends. Sob. Seriously i must have been an awful kid.) You never had the same classmates twice, classes switched every grade. I couldn't imagine how FRIGGEN HUGE a school with every grade in it would be!!

What? What's that. There are HOW MANY kids in my class?

16. And how many in the grade? 16.

....so there's one fifth grade? And how many kids in the school??? ......a little over a hundred.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAA.

At first i was pumped. I get to make friends and stay with them all the way till high school?! YES. Except this was when I remember my life becoming a living hell.

At this point i had been on at least three different medications for ADHD and none of them worked. Ritalin, Concerta, Stratera etc. Apparently i was still as annoying as ever because i remember being tormented relentlessly. Like, relentlessly. When there's only 16 kids in the class and you're the target, there's no escape. The teacher's let it happen. I was called hippopotamus. My lunch got spat in. I was mocked in front of the class. I was called stupid. Everyone would argue about having to sit next to me and i would just sit alone, or if someone did have to sit with me (usually the teacher assigned someone which made it worse) they would push my things off my desk or ask to copy my work once they realized i was almost as smart as the smartest girl in the class.

And i let them. I wanted SO fucking badly to be popular, to have a friend, fucking anything. It always blew up in my face. As soon as i was done being used for answers, a good place in line, a random good pick for a team or something, i was immediately shunned again. I buried myself in my extracurriculars (now it was swim team, violin and piano), joined band, chorus, jazz band, softball and soccer. I told my parents very little unless they were being dragged in for parent teacher conferences about how i was inattentive and always acting out. My grades began to slip because I was starting to learn about depression and constantly forgot to do my homework. My strict as hell parents were making me practice piano and violin for hours a day and my only solace was my meager 30 minutes of Nintendo 64 time per day. At one point my sixth grade teacher (stupid bitch, i hope you enjoy your cancer (sorry, y'all)) told my parents i wasn't as smart as everyone said and i should be held back because she thought i was autistic. I'm a lot of things, but not fucking autistic.

In the summer before seventh grade i finally got a reprieve in the form of my still longest best friend and the miracle drug Adderall. For those who don't know, Adderall is an amphetamine based ADHD medication and widely abused for it's stimulant properties. For anyone with ADHD however, it mellows the shit out of us and makes us super focused. Well, I'm a little allergic to it, so it actually makes me aggressive. On top of that, it makes your appetite nonexistent so, surprisingly, your favorite curvy girl Jay developed an eating disorder. Not on purpose at first. I just wasnt hungry so i didn't eat. I skipped breakfast, skipped lunch, ate the light dinner my parents prepared and went to bed. Hunger was nonexistent. Then one day i woke up and discovered myself at about 135 pounds, i tried on my first pair of short shorts out shopping with my mom. I'll never fucking forget looking in the mirror and saying out loud "Wow... I actually look great in these!" I didn't realize it was the Adderall at the time but I let it get worse. Whenever i did eat off my only light dinner schedule i would make myself throw up. I eventually got down to 117 pounds. My lowest weight. I stayed there for years. Once i had a state ID with me at that weight. Even at 12 i looked emaciated. It was revolting. I kept that ID for awhile to remind myself how awful i looked and to remind me that I look better curvy, but then i got fat and it made me sad. But i digress.

When i got back to school I suddenly gave not a single fuck about anyone picking on me. Adderall made my emotions <i>nonexistent</i>, but my temper started to boil. As a punching bag i was still pretty friendly and docile, like a big dumb dog that comes trotting back for another beating time and time again. Now i was silent and glowery. People took notice, and that's where my first real best friend came in. Let's call her Patti. I will always remember the day it really happened. I was the first person in line for recess, a great honor, but all my classmates were playing the "EW I DON'T WANT TO STAND NEXT TO HER" game. As per usual. I didn't really care. Thank god for drugs amirite? But then one voice rang out above the crowd of heckling...

I'm just kidding, it was more of a frustrated "seriously guys? Grow up." and then there was Patti. Someone who'd never joined in the terrorizing- i didn't and still don't blame anyone who didn't speak up. It would have made them a target too. But why? She was a cheerleader. I don't think anyone disliked her. She wasn't "popular" but she'd been going to this school since kindergarten and knew everyone. I guess I'll never really understand. But she was a lifesaver, even before the depression got really bad. She actually got to know me, the real me, she realized (and helped me realize too) that i was funny, and goofy and smart, and friendly. Eventually, because of her, some of the others started to come around too, but none of them were ever quite as close to me as she was. I thank god for this girl pretty regularly. Not as much as i should lately.

But there was still the matter of the bullies- and of my short fuse. I had my first kiss that year and a few short lived "boyfriends"- all from other schools of course, it would have been an unforgivable taboo to be interested in Jay. But that year was the year i put my foot down. As i mentioned earlier, Adderall had made me apathetic, but also very, very aggressive. The rage built slowly for several months until one fateful day in art class. I can't remember what i was doing to deserve this comment, i genuinely wish i could, but one of my usual enemies decided to say "No wonder your parents didn't want you!"

She was across the table from me and before i knew it i had launched myself across the table and had my hand up around her throat. No squeezing, just pressure. Her eyes nearly bugged out of her head and the entire room fucking froze. It was like something out of a movie. That was the first time i ever rage cried. If i ever get angry enough that my eyes start to water, someone's gonna get hurt. We both got sent to the principal, maybe because the sensible art teacher recognized a normally good natured kid snapping. I looked dead into that principal's eyes and told him that I'd had enough. I was tired of being picked on every single day and having nothing done. Teachers watched and let it happen. Some fucking joined in. HE let it happen after i told him time and time again what was going on. I didnt get in trouble. The bullying receded a good amount that day. It didn't stop completely until almost the end of the year.

Through my mother's networking at church i had become friends with one of the most popular girls at a neighboring school- a gorgeous russian adopted girl with a thick accent and a very early onset sex drive. Yikes. In turn, she introduced me to her brother, who i began "dating" for several months. By "dating" i mean we held hands and made out under the bleachers at YMCA dances and he tried to get me to give him a blowjob at my 12th birthday party. Jesus yikes. Needless to say that relationship didn't last long but I'd suddenly earned a reputation of someone who was- dare i say it- close to popular?

Then there was the summer of 2004. The best few months of my life. Patti and i were inseperable, we rode our bikes around the town every day, snuck into the state park, ate ice cream at the little trailer shop nearby, stayed up all night then nodded off through church the next day. And we dreamed. Oh sweet jesus did we dream about getting as far away from our shitty little town as possible and never coming back. I had honestly never been happier and for the first time in my life i had a best friend. I had a birthday party at the end of the school year and a bunch of people came- people from my school!- we genuinely had an amazing time. The girls all slept over and for once, finally, i felt like i belonged.

Eighth grade was a breeze, if you skim over Adderall making me almost punch my mom in the face. It was the first and last time i ever raised a fist to my parents. But it had done it's job. I wasn't getting picked on, i gained a little more weight and filled out nicely, I excelled at academics, won awards in jazz band, joined the bangor youth symphony orchestra, and actually made real friends (none in my school save for patti really.)

So.... That's my life up until high school. That's when i met depression. 😘

[youalready2do]

Micheal Cho FAILED WORLD MISERABLY. ME WHAT A PEICE OF SHIT!

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO CHANGE, HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BRING ME COMPUTER THAT HE AND “HIS” TEAM, USED TO CAUSE NATURAL DISASTERS, GIVE SYMPTOMS OF CORONA VIRUS VIA SATELLITE, EVEN DEATH, THEY CAUSED NATURAL DISASTERS, MAN MADE DISASTERS, HE WAS SUPPOSED TO GET ME WORLDWIDE CREDIT, HE WAS TO ENSURE NOTORIETY FOR BEING VOTED BEST COP IN WORLD, PAY ME 3 MONEY TRUCKS FULL OF MONEY! ( I don’t mind sharing. Break banks open Cho, let money fly in streets, You already robbed them digitally, A News Station Portable, Radio Station, Sound National Alarm. Instead you pretend I’m your wife and your butt buddy and copper crotch wife’s wife too, fat and stinky pussy! You got my son STOLEN TECHNICALLY AFTER YOU MADE HIM ROBOTIC, BREAK LAW WHEN WE NEED TO EVACUATE, YOU THREATEN TO KILL MY KIDS, YOU SAID YOU KILLED MY HUSBAND, I NEVER GOT TO MAKE LOVE TO YET SO HEATHEN STIFF RUBBERKNECKER, YOUR WIFE CAN HAVE HIM, AND YOU ALL WANT TO RAPE AND KILL ME, AND THE PEOPLE I LOVE. FUCK THAT! YOU ACT LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT, YOUR NOT EVEN FROM OUR COUNTRY AND YOU FUCKING COME IN HERE, KILL ALMOST EVERYONE IN 6 COUNTRIES HERE, AND TRANS SON SAID ITS 16 COUNTRIES, TRY TO RETEND YOUR PUTTING YOUR GROSS DICK IN MY PUSSY, MY KIDS, YOU RAPED MY MOM AND DAD, BEAT UP MY SON, OR GOT HIM BEAT UP AND STOLEN ROBOTICALLY REPETITIVELY, I HAVE A HUSBAND REMEMBER, YOU FOUND HIM FOR ME, INSISTED I HAVE ONE SO YOU COULD FIND ME MY “PERFECT TYPE OF GUY”, HEN WHEN WE FALL IN LOVE YOU FORCED US (AND OTHERS) TO DO THINGS WE DON’T WANT TO, SEX W/ PEOPLE WE DONT WANT TO. JUST TO RUIN EVERYONES LIVES YOU COME ACCROSS OR YOU KILLED THEM OUT OF THIER ASSETTS, AND KIDS, SO YOU CAN SELL THEM, RAPE THEM, YOU AND THE TRANS, AND MR. KIM. YOU WERE TOLD TO RESPECT ME, OH FAIL YOUR FAMILY MISERABLY AND YOU TALK SHIT ABOUT ME. IM THE ONE WHO DID WONDERFUL AMAZING THINGS, AND YOUR WIFE, HEATHEN STIFF RUBBERKNECKER, SAID NO ONE WILL KNOW THE AMAZING THINGS YOUVE DONE, YOU TOLD ME, ID NEVER KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO MY KIDS, YOU PLAN TO DROP US IN WATER, LEAVE US WITH NO POWER, OR PLANES, YOU TOLD PEOPLE IF THEY HELP ME, YOU’D KILL THEM. YOU AND TRAN SAID HE’S GOING TO CUT MY KIDS HEADS OFF, AND RAPE THEM. FUCK THAT! YOU KEPT ME AWAY FROM MY KIDS AND HAD MY SISTER PUNISH MY SON IF HE TALKED TO ME 7 YEARS 4 MONTHS AGO, MY SON ALWAYS GOT STRAIT A’S AND B’S THROUGH SCHOOL AND HAD A JOB ALREADY THAT HE WAS FORCED TO QUIT BOTH, F’S DUE TO TORCHER OF MIND YOU GAVE HIM WITH YOUR 3 STOOGES. YOU PICKED FIGHTS THROUGH HIM AND OTHERS IN MY FAMILY SO HE’D HAVE NO PLACE TO LIVE, AND TOLD HIM TO MOVE ONTO STREETS WITH ME, YOU TOLD ME TO DREAM BIG, AND I DID, YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR KEEPING MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ALIVE, AND INSTEAD YOU REPETITIVELY MADE ME RELIVE THIER MURDERS WITH SATELLITE TECHNOLOGY THAT IS IN VIVID MOVIE LIKE FORM IN OUR BRAINS, YOU MADE MY SON SAY FOR ATLEAST A YEAR HE’S A MURDERER, OR HOWEVER MANY, AND ME, I FOUND 3 NEW WITNESSES 2 YESTERDAY AND ONE TODAY THAT THEY HEARD YOU GUYS IN THIER EARS TOO. MAKING THEM DO THINGS THEY DONT WANT TO DO TOO. MADE HIM STAY WITH MY SISTER WHO HAS LIKE 9 PERSONALITIES DUE TO COMPUTER YOU ABUSE. IM TIRED OF THE 2ND STUPID, STUTTERING TERRORIST, BITCH THAT YOU ARE, FUCKING UP MY VIDEO STATEMENTS, FLAPPING YOUR LIPS WHEN I TALK SO I HEAR YOU IN MY EAR SAY THE SAME THINGS I DO AT THE SAME TIME, YOU SWEAR AT MY SON THROUGH ME WHEN IM TALKING TO HIM, YOU HUMILIATE MY SON AND I REPETITIVELY, MAKING US USE RESTROOM OUTSIDE, LITTERALLY BANNING ME FROM MOST EVERY STORE OF ANYKIND. AGAIN, YOU MADE PORN OF ME AND MY SON BOTH WITHOUT ANY CONSENT OF OURS. YOU MAKE HIM WALK BEHIND A BUSH TO ROBOTICALLY PLAY WITH HIS PENIS AND HE’S TALLER THAN IT. WHEN YOU CALLED COPS ON PURPOSE TO COME, YOU MAKE HIM WHOP OUT HIS DICK IN ANY PUBLIC PLACE TO PEE. YOU MADE HIM STEAL GUN CLIPS FOR A GUN YOU PREMEDITATED FOR 5 OR 6 YEARS SO YOU CAN FORCE HIM TO KILL OUR FAMILY AND/OR HIMSELF. YOU BEAT UP MY WONDERFUL SON, YOU MADE HIM BUY ZANEX AND TAKE THEM TO ALMOST OVERDOSING POINT ON 90 DEGREE WEATHER DAY, ESPECIALLY WITH THE SWEATSHIRT YOU MADE HIM LEAVE ON, YOUVE TOLD HIM FOR YEARS I DONT LOVE HIM ANYMORE, HUGEST LIE EVER, IVE HAD LIKE 5 DAYS OFF IN 7 YEARS 4 MONTHS AND I STUDIED EXTREAMLY HARD THE MASON’S . YOU PLANNED ON KILLING US FROM BEGINNING AND STOLE OUR LOVE, YOU FORCE ME AND MY SON TO BE DIRTY, BEG FOR FOOD AS I INVESTIGATED TERRORISTS OF SECRET SOCIETY, YOU USED US AS HUMAN EXPERIMENTS WITHOUT OUR PERMISSION, MADE ME AND MY SON BE PUT INTO MENTAL HOSPITALS, AND JAILS, UOU FORCED FELONY CHARGES ON US SO WE WOULDNT BE ABLE TO STEAL CARS OR GET INTO A HOUSE FOR SAFETY EITHER WAY WHEN THE TIME CAME AND WE WOULD NEED TO ESCAPE OR HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE, YOU MAKE US THINK OUR LOVED ONES ARE DEAD, DID YOU KILL ALL 17 YEAR OLDS IN THE WORLD, ONLY 17 YEAR OLDS DONT GET STIMULOUS, YOUR THREATENING OUR LOVED ONES NOW AND YOUVE BEEN TOLD OF REQUIREMENTS NOT TO KILL MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS, IVER AND OVER THAT YOU NEED TO RESPECT ME! AND YOU ACT LIKE A STUPID BITCH. YOUR FIRED OFF THAT FUCKING COMPUTER AND YOU GET NO WIFI. I DEMAND THAT YOUR EXECUTED FOR THE THINGS THAT YOU DID, AND DO. YOUVE HAD MY SON WALKING ON STREETS YEARS AGO AND YOU MAKE HIM DEPRESSED, VIOLENT VIA SATELLITE. MY SON HAS NEVER EVER SEEN VIOLENCE, FUCKING BITCH, YOUR THE ONE THAT MADE HIS DAD PUSH HIM AGAINST A STONE BRICK WALL AT AGE 10. YOU HAD MY EX’S ROBOTICALLY BEAT ME UP AND CHEAT ON ME OR LEAVE. YOU THREATENED TO KILL EVERYONE’S MOM’S IF WE DONT CHEAT ON THE PERSON WE LOVE BEFORE WERE EVEN TOGETHER, KEPT ME AND MY NEW HUSBAND APART OBVIOUS TRUE LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT, TOLD ME, SO I NOTICED YOU TELL ORHERS SAME THINGS, SO I ASSUME YOU TOLD MY SON AND EVERYONE ELSE THEY HAVE TO FUCK A DEAD PERSON TO SAVE OUR FAMILIES EVEN THE WORLD, PRETENDED YOUR MY HUSBAND TO CLAIM (WELL EVERYONES MINEY) REMEDITATED MURDER ON WHOLE WORLD THEN FOR YOU, DEATH PENALTY VIA SATELLITE. YOU PLAYED SAME GAME WHEN YOU FORCED STRICKLIN AWAY FROM HIS FAMILY, WOULDNT LET HIM SEE OR TALK TO ME 6 YEARS, MY BEST ALLIE TO SAVE WORLD, YOU SET UP OUR PRESIDENT, SO YOU COULD MAKE HIM YOUR HUMAN PUPPET LIKE MY SON AND MANY MANY OTHERS! THEYRE STUCK IN THIER OWN BODIES UNABLE TO EXPRESS THIER OWN FEELINGS, EMBARRASSED MY SON, ALLIENATED HIM FROM SOCIETY, 17 AND A HALF YOU HAVENT ALLOWED HIM A REGULAR ENOUGH LIFE TO GET A GIRLFRIEND YET, SO HE’S A VIRGIN AND YOU WANTED TO SET HIM UP WITH BLACK WIDOW AND MY HUSBAND. YOU MADE MY FRIENDS FUCK HOOKERS YOU MAY HAVE GIVEN AIDS TO ON PURPOSE, AND YOU PRETEND YOU FOUND THE CURE, YEAH RITE, YOU MADE THEM HAVE SEX WITH PEOPLE, (YOU SAID YOU PAID THEM FOR THIS, YOU HAD MY HUSBAND RAPED THEN AND MADE HIM CRY. STRICKLAND,TOO AND YOU ALLEGEDLY SENT OUT HIS WIFE, MY SON IS IN JAIL BECAUSE YOU HATE THAT I LOVE HIM, I SURE HOPE YOU DIDNT HAVE HIM KILLED WHEN HE WAS TAKEN TO JAIL LIKE 5-6 FAYS AGO, BECAUSE UOUR BRAINWASHING AND MIND TORCHER BRAGGED YOU KILLED MY KIDS AND CUT OFF THIER HEADS, THAT’S FUCKED UP, I HAD AN OFFICER FROM MPD CALL THE NEXT MORNING, ALLEGEDLY HE’S THERE. YOU RAISED HOS BAIL TO $500.00?FROM $ 200.00, NOW YOU OBVIOUSLY WONT LET DAVE CONNELL BAIL HIM OUT OF JAIL WHEN HE NEEDS ME MOST, AND YOU THREATENED TO KILL DAVE AND HIS GRAND DAUGHTER. YOU THREATENED ME THAT YOUR GOING TO CUT OFF MY SON’S DICK, SO DAMN STRAIT I TOLD YOU SAME THING, THATS WHAT YOU WANTED TO MAKE ME LOOK BAD. YOU THREATENED THIS TO STRICKLIN AND MR. ASHBACK WHO’S MY NEW HUSBAND. YOU HELD 4 OFFICERS THAT KNOW OF IN MARYSVILLE JAIL, POSING AS WORKERS, MY LONG LOST NEPHEWS HOSTAGE IN KITTITAS COUNTY JAIL WITH MY HUSBAND AND OUR NEW FAMILY. AND FRIENDS FROM SCHOOL. YOU TOLD MY SON ME AND HIS DAD ARE DEAD, AND THAT YOU KILLED HIS FRIENDS. YOU CLONED US. AND SAID ID HAVE TO PICK REAL ONE OF 27 OF STRICKLIN TO SAVE HIM, HOW MANY CLONES DID YOU MAKE OF MY KIDS, YOU TRIED TO TELL ME, YOU SWITCHED MY SON NUMEROUS TIMES, THATS A FUCKING LIE. YOU SEND PEOPLE TO PICK FIGHTS WITH ME AND MY SON, YOU MADE ME SHIT MY PANTS AND PISS THEM ON Q. YOU SENT WEIRD PEOPLE ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT TO THREATEN MY LIFE OR TRAT ME LIKE IM THIER BITCH FIRST MINUTE WE MEET, AND TALK SHIT TO ME. THAT SHIT DOESNT FLY UR A FUCKIND DUMB ASS DUDE, YOU EANT RESPECT BUT YOU GIVE NONE, YOU WANTED TO GIVE ME AND MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS MOTERHOMES AND OR CARS TO FLY LOW FAST AND CRASH LIKE UOU SAID YOU MADE COPS DO! WITNESSES OF YOUR MIND TORCHER, AND YOU MADE-THEM KILL AND RAPE PROPLETaxi GUYS, DICKS TOWING AND HARRY’S TOWING TRUCK DRIVERS TOO, YOU MADE THEM PARTICIPATE WITH THE FIREMEN TO CLEAN UP MURDER SCENES ETC. YOU FORCED ME TO HAVE NO LOVE FOR YEARS AND PRETENDED YOUR DEMANDS ARE GOING TO FLY ON YOU AND YOUR BUTT BUDDIES STICKING YOUR DICKS IN ME OR MY KIDS AND THIER FRIENDS THAT YOU USE TO FUCK DEAD PEOPLE AND GOATS WITH, GROSS, I HEARD YOU FUCK YOUR OWN DAUGHTER, AS YOU AND OR STUBBBLEBINE MADE ALEX WRITE ON HIS PANTS THAT IM HOLDING HIM HOSTAGE, AND THAT HES BEEN RAPED, ON HIS PANTS, IN WRITING LIKE ILL SUBMIT AS EVIDENCE, PICTURES OF MURALS THAT TELL OF MURDER, RAPE, SLAVERY, ME, MY HUSBANDS NAMES MY KIDS EVEN MY GRANDMA’S MURDER PLOT I FOUND IN SMOKEY POINT. YOU SHOOT PEOPLE AND RAN CHAIN SAWS AT NIGHT KILLING PEOPLE FOR ATLEAST A YEAR EVERY NIGHT I WASNT IN JAIL, YOU HAD ME DOING LIKE ALMOST 5 YEARS IN JAIL, NOW YOUR THROWING MU SON IN JAIL, I HAD TO CALL COPS TO SAVE MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS FROM THE ROBOTIC MURDER PLOT YOU PREMEDITATED ON MY FAMILY. YOU SHOOT BUS DRIVERS DO WE MIGHT ONE DAY GET STUCK SIMEWHERE WITH YOU, YOU FUCKING WISH WE WERE LEAVING WITH YOU YOU FUCKING PEICE OF SHIT! FUCK THAT RIDDLE HIM WITH BULLETS IN EVERY COUNTRY. HE GETS A HARD ON BY PLAYINF ROLE OF STUPID BITCH IN MORONIC, MASONIC, RETARD, RELAY OLYMPICS OF DIAREAH OF THE FACE. YOU FUCKING WANTED MY SON TO CHOKE ON MY TAMPONS I PUT DOWN WATER DRAINS TO KEEP AWAY FROM YOU. YOU GAVE MY NEPHEW D.J. A BAD HEART VIA SATELLITE. YOU GAVE JEFFREY MY OTHER NEPHEW LUKEMIA VIA SATELLITE TOO, YOU GAVE MY SON DIABETIES VIACSATELLITE, WONT LET HIM EAT, AT TIMES, LET ALONE EAT HEALTHY. UOU FORCE A BINCH OF SUGAR IN HIM LIKE CANDY POP ETC. YOU SENT STRICKLINS WIFE OUT ON STREETS ALLEGEDLY AND FORCED HIM TO CHEAT. DID YOU KILL ALL OF OUR COP FRIENDS FROM MPD AND EVERETT JAIL? ALL MY KIDS FRIENDS, YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THEY ARE TO BE TOP PRIORITY, AS MICHEAL CHO, YOU ALSO GOT SCHOOLED ALONG THE WAY, AND YOU

[atomickrakatoa]

Episode 7 - “And I have no idea what a Willa is.” -Chips

Bryce

I guess Liana voted me? how odd. Colin voted Nicholas I presume but uh me and Quillynn lived which is all that matters tbh! Im happy that we get to live another round I was scared(pumpkin)

Colin, from the grave

fuck these hoes

QuilLynn

So.. I survived tribal! I'm super happy that we were able to get out Colin, as much as I love him as a person and would have wanted to work with him under different circumstances it was the only thing that made sense. Basically Bryce and I put ourselves in a position where we were the swing votes between Colin leaving and Nicholas leaving. Although there were benefits with both options, we knew that Colin would be harder to convince to also vote out Liana if we lose again, and we feel safer (for now) with Nicholas. At this point I feel great, I don't want to sound cocky, but I now just don't see either Bryce or I leaving before merge! 

Dana

Hello Dads and lovers! I don't have too much to say about the game, except the tea is that i'm ready af to merge. The fastest way to kill me is to make me go to tribal on this tribe. Chips hates me, Jay O knows about my friend group premade, and Kelsey is inact af. Zach and I want to convince Kelsey to vote with us, but umm basically i'm going to pressure him into playing some advantage. I'm going to make him king of paranoia and tbh it won't be hard. Also i'm an actual slut for letter # like i crave it. So thanks hosts!

Trixie

hi my tribe is gonna lose this challenge xx

**Malam loses immunity**

Bryce

We got 2nd in immunity thats iconic. but im afraid ppl will see me as a threat but like.... I had to score since quillynn and liana did nothing and nicholas wasnt on much.Im just happy we won and are one step closer to merging where i can try to meet back up with bryan!

Bryan

So me and trixie fought our hardest but we still weren’t able to win. EMPHASIS ON ME AND TRIXIE AND NOT OUR ACTUAL FUCKING TRIBE! THESE BITCHES DIDNT DO JACK SHIT! I was talking to trixie about it, how we are fighting the hardest when we aren’t even the ones at risk and they don’t even care. But the votes are probably going to be heading towards Willa.

Zach

WE WON IMMUNITY! WIG! I expect Trixie to use her idol that I provided her... my impact. I shouldn;t have, and I kind of regret it but I don't. It's weird. I want merge to come pleASEeee

QuilLynn

One step closer to merge! My team of icons won immunity again! Although, to be honest I didn't really try or participate, because I would rather us go to tribal again. We have the numbers on our tribe to vote out Liana and I want to do that before we get to merge and she just acts as Chips' double vote advantage. 

Trixie

My tribe loves going to tribal apparently! We’ve lost/come close to losing every single challenge that I’m praying to the furby gods for a mercy merge. 

Being a villain, naturally I have satan on my side. Although I had described zachary rae as being an angel, he’s more akin to a devil because he’s left me a gift that I don’t know what to do with yet. I feel like I have Bryan and Christian down to vote Willa. Willa, on the other hand, thinks we’re going to vote Christian and is “willing” to go to rocks, which is a big fat lie imo. I feel like he’s going to try and flip the heroes on me, and I’m hoping they won’t listen. After all, I do a lot more for my tribe than he does. 

I’m always worried something will happen, and I don’t wanna be that fool who plays the idol when unneeded, but I also don’t wanna be the bigger fool who goes out while holding one. help

Willa

I'm being voted off is this necessary 

Chips

Alright, so the challenge was the one where you get letters and then you make words from them. In general, I'm pretty decent at it... but also I never have any time online for that sort of challenge so I saw if I could sit out... and I did. http://imgur.com/dYxDGuG.gif And then I wasn't added to the chat or whatever so I was kinda in the dark about our team's score (which is odd, because I believe that in the show when they sit out they are still at the challenge) but I was hoping that we could be successful and not have tribal. Then the results were posted and our team was number one! So no tribal! And the marshmallow tribe is going to tribal... https://68.media.tumblr.com/744c19eadd3d19f73b4dfece4e0ae798/tumblr_olvj861Lu01u2ragso1_500.gif On that tribe are Bryan, Christian, Trixie, and Willa! Bryan I'd like to stay because I think he's most likely to work with me in a situation where we are reunited. Christian is here and there, but would likely stick with me as well. Trixie is basically QuilLynn so if she were to go it wouldn't be bad for me. And I have no idea what a Willa is.

Bryce

I hope Bryan plays his idol

Christian

I don't know why Willa doesn't like me, when I've never spoken to him or even played a game with him. Unless he friends with someone in the community that hates me lolol. I lowkey feel like he has an idol, and I'm gonna get idoled out. But I guess we will see. If I do go tonight, I'm not mad about it. It is what it is. But once confessionals are released, Willa feel free to tell me why you have it out for me. Ctfu 

Liana

I'm so glad we won because if we proved anything the last tribal, it's that this tribe is a mess.

Jay

I just got out of work ahhhhhhh!!!! Anyways im super happy my tribe pulled out a win because i did NOTHING in the last challenge. I've worked for the last 4 days so i was either at work or tired af during the challenge. Hopefully (!!!!) That changes and i can start pulling my weight.

**Willa is voted out, round 8 begins**

Bryan

Lol at Willa thinking we were going to rocks when in actuality he was going

Kelsey

The sitch is that once again; the foxy lady gets to stay~! I feel very grateful that I was able to stay out of tribal the last week. This streak of safety is sooooooo nice to rely on and now...we're heading into the top TWELVE of the competition! I can't say I ever saw myself making it to this stage of the game and gosh...merge can't be far away! At this point, I just want to break away from this sort of "tribe" game and I just want to get started on playing in the final traction of the competition! You know what? I DESERVE to make it to the end and, at the very least, I deserve to FIGHT for it. On this tribe, I do believe I've tightened my relationship with Dana as well as with Chips. And if I do have to vote someone off, I'm quite comfortable switching over with the villains to eliminate Jay as I trust him less than Zach. I just...I feel CONFIDENT! I feel so ready to keep going! I'm filled with excitement and I just wanna- I want to be in the heat of it again soon enough! I said this earlier, but they're going to have to rip and TEAR me away from the crown and I'm pumped to fight for it! Send home the next hooker already, I'm raring to go! And THAT'S all there is to it~! But who are you pointing at? -Kelsey V Mikaelson #TeamIBelieveInYall #TeamBEES #RIPColin #RIPWilla

Bryan

VL DR: YA BOY SLAYED THIS DAMN MAZE! "Hard AF maze" YEA RIGHT

**Malam loses immunity again**

Bryan

JKNFCDBEJLWBFCHJLBWEHJCLBHWJBC I GOT FIRST PLACE AND THEY BOTH GOT LAST!! THIS IS SOO DAMN FRUSTRATING!!! but i dont want to vote out Christian or trixie. Christian has been loyal to me. and trixie is so nice. i have my idol and i want to use it but i also dont. im afraid trixie might flip christian on me. and thats scary. 

Zach

kisses we safe xx kay now i'm expecting trixie to idol, considering i think bryan/christian are friends. whom will she vote? idk?

later...

I kind of feel really good on my tribe. I do want merge though cause I think it may get more interesting. It's kind of bitter sweet because A) It's SUPER boring tribal wise rn, but that's because of B) my ass ain't going to tribal - and i wanna keep it like that!

QuilLynn

We won immunity (well second place but w/e we’re safe!) that means we’ve probably made it to merge which I’m super excited about! We still have Liana, but her joining up with chips might make her and more importantly chips easy targets. I like them both but see 0% chance of us working together in this game at this point so they’ll definetly be the first people that i’ll be wanting to take a shot at. 

Bryan

Ok so. Christian thinks I’m voting trixie. And trixie thinks I’m voting Christian. Or there is this epic blindside coming. But I’m leaning more towards keeping trixie. I can def count on Christian to be a loyal goat but I know trixie has the skill to be able to make big moves with me.

Bryce

Um liana ditching last second was scary but we won so im happy. Malam keeps losing so its awk LOL. But im happy me and quil are safe with nicholas

Liana

Haha, Malam sucks. Enjoy tribal!

Christian

I'm pretty sure I'm gone tonight lol. There's not much to say, considering there's only three of us left on our tribe. Everything is just open I guess. 

Bryan

VL DR: Trixie is such a troll. I was wondering why she never goes on video chat. But i know now. She is one of the trolls from that shitty animated movie so called trolls. 

**Christian is voted out and round 9 begins!**

[ellerevelle]

copy paste past journal entry 1

My boyfriend and I broke up about three weeks ago. I’m deleting old journal entries I furiously scribbled down or typed out on the ‘stickies’ app or ‘notes’ app. But theyre interesting enough to me to not want to delete completely. So I’m copying and pasting them here. Its interesting... we only just broke up, but I wrote this entry in October of 2015. And I referred to the things that I still feel and fear from him to this day. I shouldve known. Even way back then. 

Begin entry-- 

how does it make you feel to think we might never see each other again?

you are an asshole. for deciding my love isnt good enough for you, that i am not worth fighting for, for breaking up with my after my birthday after my mom dies.

think about it. think about how you get to know a person.

you meet, where? at work? in a bar? at a show? through a friend at dinner or something?

you chat with them there. they impress you, how? with a cute joke. by going along with the shit you say. by carrying themselves well. by making small talk you enjoy that you want to see them again and continue it into medium talk then maybe big talk if the chemistry takes you there.

they are attractive.

they are attractive, the easy way.

therefore they are easy to spend time with, the easy way. the "lets go swimming!" way or the "lets see a movie" way or the "lets not get too heavy into dark stuff or pain" way.

you sleep together. its nice. or its hot. or its both. or its neither... all more ways to get to know someone.

Now, think about when it starts to not be easy. Are you still attracted to this person? Have you been "tamed"? Why?

You have gotten to know me through a shit ton of easy stuff. And then I showed you some of my glow. We brought magic out of one another. We made the EFFORT to continue to see one another because we loved each other, loved the feeling of being together. And for me, I wanted to know more about your magic.

Of course I saw your struggles, your difficulties. I noticed the things you brought up more, complained about more. I noticed what annoyed me or red flagged me. Times you were cynical and quick to diss. Quick to opt not to relate or try to understand a different point of view. I remember the time you straight up got out of bed and took a walk around the block in the middle of the night because you were upset with me after watching Pulp Fiction.

And I realize I had a one night stand with someone. And that the timeline doesnt sit well with you.

But lets get into that.

I let someone touch me, yes. Its horrible that I didnt know better, yes. But have I seen him since? No. Did I honestly even enjoy being there? No. Do I respect him? No. Have I let anyone even come close to touching my body since? No.

It was not an emotional affair. It was not a plotted out, planned out, steamy hot romance. It was a bullshit night that I walked away from shaking my head about, judging him. judging myself. But honestly not really judging myself that much. I felt angry because it was a useless night and I shouldve shut it down, but I didnt beat myself up over it because it was over, I handled it, didnt enjoy it, didnt feel conflicted. It was like eating something you werent hungry for but you did because you didnt want to be rude and it was gross but you finished it and then felt fat afterwards so you punished yourself by going to the gym for an extra hour to make up for it.

I know that sex is different for you because you even held on to your KISSES as prized possessions.

But just because I dont do that doesnt make mine worth any less. I know myself. And I feel my heart steadily evolving and a kiss can be anything to me. It isnt JUST the utmost most precious kiss. A kiss can be a throw away. A hug can be a throw away. Its MY decision inside my heart and head and soul to decide what these things mean. If I kiss a perfect stranger I can choose to make it sexy, make it cute. I can choose to trick you. I know how to do that. I know what the moves look like.

But choosing to really mean it. I realize I've put myself in a very challenging position, setting myself up like this. Because how the hell would you be able to tell or believe if I mean it or not. When I'm capable of just giving you the illusion.

But thats where time comes in. Thats where getting to know someone comes in. Thats where you come in.

Because you have let me in from the start. Yes, it was easy. I presented myself as myself but breezier, probably. Because I was. I was on the road, away from home, feeling free. So thats how my soul presented itself. That is my favorite feeling, so I reflected it on the outside. Its like ... when you watch a horse running free and youre in awe and you feel so connected and youre attaching yourself to this animal and its soul that its showing you, but a week later you come by the ranch and the horse is in its stall. or its doing exercises with the ranch hands, around and around and around and it looks disenchanted. Is that not the same horse you were so bewitched by? it is. and You are a jerk for not remembering. Just because its not exactly how you remembered it doesnt mean thats not who it still is. and you are missing out if you walk away, saddened, thinking " i cant watch this, I cant see my horse like that. that is not my horse" and you leave, with that as your last impression. not believing that beautiful creature doesnt of COURSE want to be out in the field. that it doesnt OF COURSE want to feel the same beauty you want it to. OF. FUCKING. COURSE it does.

So dont walk away. Because its a sign that you dont believe it'll ever happen again. its giving up. its saying "bah, why bother". its choosing to do something else to suit yourself instead of sticking it out through uncomfortable or sad bits in order to be a part of something extraordinarily special again.

So.

I was easy to love.

And then I wasnt.

I brought on doubts to you. Issues with long distance. Quiet growing doubts about my unemployment. My motivation.

I should have stood up for myself on that sidewalk.

Because of course I have flaws. You dont think I know that? You dont think I dont already rip myself to shreds in my own head about flaws? The guy talking to me who has gone through depression himself, you cant bring yourself down again can you? youre choosing not to relate because maybe i remind you of yourself? Is that it?

I could just as easily have been embarrassed by you. I just as easily couldve been a gigantic cunt to you. About how youre throwing your time into a job you never talk about growing in. About how you dont have enough time to really make your band the way you want. And subsequently you spend all your day sweating at work and then all your night going to rehearsal and writing songs and then beating the shit out of yourself when neither of these things are fulfilling. your band is only just getting paid. you dont have time to make an internet impact. you dont let people get to know you on stage. what the hell am i sinking my teeth into if i cant even figure out what genre you are. try a different city. try a different crowd. try a different job.

and yet, Have I called you out on any of this? Have I chosen to make any of this about me? any sort of issue to bring up to make you fucking question yourself?

No. Because I have chosen to not consider these things flaws. these things are differences between you and I.

And I could fucking spin it easy as fuck into deep, profound character flaws in you.

But nope. I. LOVE. YOU. and I am making the CHOICE goddamnit to see them as DIFFERENCES and see the bright side of the coin. And make them character TRAITS that make you STRONG and BEAUTIFUL and UNIQUE.

Because I can. It is a strength in me, a choice to stay. A choice to not look for issues to pick apart.

Because you've shown me your glow, your magic. And I choose to see THAT. I choose to believe that those glorious quatlities in you come from struggle, confusion, depression, and they are the current in your river that pulses from the depths. and even if other shit is going on in the more shallow layers, the current is still there. Even if we've both forgotten or gotten bogged down by trivial things, or topical issues, or recent tragedies. Theyre challenges, these distractions. But I choose to know that the current is still the same in you. Its the guiding force.

I absolutely have huge character traits that confuse the hell out of me, and as time goes by its like a glacier ever so slowly carving out the valley that is me. Every so often a wonderful something will come and test you. Your love put an entirely different weight in my mind. You gave me the opportunity to reassess my social definition. I hadnt been able to really tell anyone "I'm seeing someone, sorry". I havent been able to let saying No guide me to more authentic Yes's.

I havent had a job for three years like you. I havent committed to a band like you.

but how dare you asshole stand on a sidewalk with me, saying "whats the last time youve made anything? whents the last time youve created something?"

"what have you done lately"

"what do you even do"

I should have hit you then. I really should have. Because, to me, it wouldve been justified because you threw the first punch. Right in my fucking face, with spit on your knuckles.

Our lives are extremely different and it reflects WAY MORE ON YOU than it does on me that you called me out like that. Fuck you.

It shows me youre afraid of me. It shows me that you think you're better than me, that you'll survive better than me because you think you work harder.

But the difference is I choose what to work on. It is a luxury. I do envy you so often that you have the grit to just work. juuuust work. I havent struggled and it is a missing part in me in that capacity. But. That does NOT mean I havent put myself out on a limb. That does NOT mean I havent tried new things. That does NOT mean I havent had to be creative, to go with less, to be uncomfortable, to be scared.

I am emotionally rich. I am emotionally creative. I am intellectually remarkable. I am adventurous. I have ingenuity. I am sensual. I experience my world, and further more, I go out to find it.

Do not judge me for not settling down in one city like you did. I have been in one place for ten years, made my mark, and am now traveling to see what makes its mark on ME.

I have been alone in countries where I do not know anyone, do not speak the language, and do not know the land. And I know you know this. And I know you probably dont like me for it because you havent or think that you cant.

But I think that you can. Its a choice. Maybe thats also why you dont see this relationship working. Because our idea of possibility is so vastly different.

I can do anything. I am free to do anything. I have chosen to not sink heavy into a job because I placed freedom at a higher priority.

But that does not mean that cant shift and change.

And you met me at a time when that was beginning to change. I lost touch with loving Philly. I was in the throes of realizing the friendships I thought I was making werent fruitful or beneficial. I was remaining unemployed because my family was struggling and I wanted to be able to go home if I had to. Which is something I'm still struggling with because what with Mom and everything, I shouldve gone home a fuck of a lot sooner.

I am struggling with losing my Mother. What I pray to be the most difficult thing I'll ever have to do. You have met me at the most absurd time in my life. Hopefully.

But, at least at the beginning, you chose to love me anyway. You chose to see my potential, see what I love about MYSELF. I was so excited you were seeing me as me, not as some random female body wandering around Philadelphia.

You listened to the words that were coming out of my mouth so I wanted to make them great ones. I wanted you to know ME. And you did, through spectacular magical ups, and then earth shatteringly painful lows.

THAT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT COMES QUICKLY. I defy you to go fall in love with someone and see down the line that she's gonna come with her own set of flaws that will especially show themselves in times of trouble, anguish, and tragedy. And then you'll get to choose again, whether theyre worth sticking it out through. Whether theyre worth getting over. Whether her shine is something you believe in enough to sit the storm through with. To get hit with some lightning bolts because you know the sun's on the other side. Because you know she WANTS to shine for you. She wants to warm your heart. She wants to, even after her own world falls apart, to still help you heal yours.

That is what I am. That is how I feel. Because I am beautiful and I am fucked up and I am worth it.

And you are beautiful and you are fucked up and you are worth it.

But you have to know that bailing doesnt really make me feel super great.

It instills the defense mantra "Why should I fight for him if he doesnt fight for me?"

Which I'm sure you'd combat with "that is toxic and immature"

but we're all cavemen, (name omitted).

Its a basic choice. If anything, you'll go through phases of thinking everything has to be more elegant and complicated and elevated. But then you'll get old again and realize nope. nah.

Just love. Juuuuust love. Just shut up. Shut the fuck up and relax and feel it.

So the scary part about that though is what if you shut up and relax and then realize you dont love me... That you did and you wont forget but right now you simply dont and its over. Over enough to never return.

That parts the sucky part. But I'd rather know than not.

Because all of this cold shoulder stuff, or acting like you barely know me, not allowing any warm inflection in your voice when we speak, that versus the sigh, THAT sigh when you look at me and there are no words. you look in my eyes and your breath cant come out as just a normal exhale, it has to sigh its way out. and then you hold me so tightly against your body. Or when you let your guard down as my friend and we giggle and laugh and theres magic there that comes with holding someones hand without thinking about it. as effortless as blinking. you reach out and touch because its what youre meant to do. The up and down, hot and cold, barely talk then sweep me off my feet with expressions of wanting to grow old together. I cant handle the contrast. Because I want the latter, and when I get the former it feels like you hate me. Like youre teasing me. Like torture.  I wish I knew what you wanted. Then again you've already said you want space and time for yourself and that you cant love me with all this negativity. WELP BUSTER how about the fact that i'm still loving you despite the fact that youre doing this to me. that youre (in my opinion) irrationally angry at me for allowing flirtateous text messages to occur even though youre a zillion miles away and i have just lost the number one love in my life, My Mom. Youve got no interest in letting me fix that mistake. and then you bring up my one night stand that happened before all that. and i try to explain its insignificance. and that I CHOOSE TO SHARE MYSELF WITH YOU. MY WHOLE SELF. and the only way to continue to grow is to keep going forward and trying but it sounds like you dont want me to try. I know youre angry but I want you to have my fucking magic. No other idiot deserves it. Just one idiot. You.  

But yet you throw me under the bus ( about depression, about flirting, about not having a job)  instead of considering that my heart is broken and I'm still standing. Instead of considering softness and forgiveness and genuinely helping, you're scared and protecting yourself.

And you say YOU cant give me YOUR heart because of too much negativity?!?    I COULD JUST AS EASILY SAY THE SAME GOD DAMN THING ABOUT YOU.

I shouldve stood up for myself on that fucking sidewalk. I should've slapped you across your goddamn face. You know why I chose to let you be right, though? Because I was afraid if I was mean or harsh or fought back you wouldnt like it and you'd doubt yourself or itd hurt you. And instead of considering hurting you more or trying to make you the one in the wrong, I took it. I took it. I took your fucking emotional shame fest, let you smush me into the dirt. Because if you felt hurt by something I retorted with, what if you left? What if you really really left?  But at least I figured if I was 100% in the wrong then I could fight back and work my way back up. I didnt want you to think I was mad at you because often it seems like if you think I'm mad at you, you walk away or leave or get quiet because you think its what I want.   Even in bed, you'd ask me if i was okay and I said no so you rubbed my back and then soon after went to be closer to me or something and I shrugged or made some implication you took to mean "no" , so you rolled to the furthest reaches of the bed away from me. As if that was doing me a favor. When in fact its the complete opposite.

Which, again you'll retort by saying that i'm immature and its toxic la la la. All I want is you to reach out to me. To touch me. To speak to me. To say something. To show you care. That you think this is worth it. I

ts not something I'll need 100% forever. But I just went through the toughest shit ever losing my goddamn Mother so yea. Forgive me for needing some extra.

Forgive me for needing some extra attention and reassurance and if it doesnt come through from you I texted a friend and it came through from them. And I'm sorry. I know you think you dont have enough to go around right now. For work, for music, for yourself, for your social life, then for me. I'm another "project" as you so sweetly fucking put it that night. In the coldest voice ever. Beautiful golden brown eyes turned black with arms crossed.

It really is a challenge choosing to stay with someone who handles this situation the way you are. That discussion after sushi was unwarrantedly harsh and cold. I committed a human sin but I showed up to try and fix it. I dont think you give a fuck about trying to fix my opinion of you now. You are a cynical prick. Acting indifferent and blowing me off.  

texting me basic shit about your weekend plans, and i try to be enthusiastic but i feel like whenever i'm out or doing something and tell you about it, i always include "it'd be better if you were here" because thats how I feel. and I wonder if you ever feel that.

Your indifference gives me nothing to read from, nothing to glean warmth from. If I cant tell that you care, I'll assume that you dont. And I'll teach myself to not need it. I'll move forward.

How does it make you feel to think you'll never see me again?

Of course I'm still magic on my own.

Of course I know you'll be fine

I've just never had anything like this

and I'm not even close to interested in letting it go without a fight.

And it makes me sick thinking you are.

"you think your love for me is unhealthy" and i want to know why

i know youre looking into yourself and want time for yourself after jessica

but you didnt have to pursue me. if you didnt want it, if you wanted to focus on yourself you didnt have to pursue me. but you did.

Dont do anything youre going to regret. I am dissapointed at what I've learned about you from this. But it doesnt beat what I already knew, what I already loved. And I'm willing and interested in working it through. Because I’m beautiful, and I’m fucked up, and we’re worth it. 

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my phone 11

Watching weight makes me nervous watching my jawline get softer the hinges can sing softly now I feel alone i feel alone right in front and in my own. To be alone to be alone in front of the store and on my own My own Slowly trip and fall developing pictures of how we came to know it all line the halls and our greatest achievements, to remind us when we feel weak, the tiny difference you feel when you speak The infinite saga of expansion, contraction, development destruction. The infinite saga of my life. Everything is a joke. I have been walking this earth for so many thousands of years and I still don't feel right. Last I remember it was dark night and I saw a certain type of spider that had never caught my eye before, I followed it and it was almost as if I was going into one of those underground caves but it wasnt, and I know it because I could still see the moon. It was full. And I walked and walked in the dark, over thorns I walked over them and it hurt a lot of ways but I kept walking. I kept going and going and going until I don't remember when. I didn't even get a chance to get some water. I can't remember when I last had a drink. Next thing you know I wake up all tiny and new feeling,  I've been walking around only a few years and my body is different than before. The lines that are my border are more defined now. I feel as though I've stumbled upon something great. I have this thing in my hand. Its a train with wheels and a string. I think I know who made it for me. I see my dad and I have a happy feeling in my heart, because he always tells me nice things about myself I fucking love my new shoes. I got them for 12 dollars in the Bronx. I always feel connected to everyone inn the train. Well,  id like to think that it sounds really sweet to me. I can't get my snack out of my bag cause my bag smells like weed and there's a little kid next to me. I can't do that and still feel right. Also my back spine is being really painful lately and I don't know what to do about it I can't stop making the sounds and twisting up. Maybe its more of that I need to be doing, but in an artfully presented way. Like in my band. Not my actual spine...its hard enough being beautiful as an early 20s woman I don't need to be deformed as I grow older.  Oh god. This train will be over at Fulton street. Then I have to take another train only one stop into Brooklyn so i can meet my friend Rowan. You know what? I can't be so cheap. If I have the money I can spend it, unless there's something specific I want that I'm saving for. Oh god is this train over yet? There's some genius in the design of this thing but I really don't see why its mandatory that we suffer through this long ordeal. Fuck me, I need a bike, and I need one now. Once I have my bike, I can set my shit up. Once I set my shit up, I won't have any use for these thoughts. Then I can do my jewelry vending. I am always mad at myself when I want to do something because i haven't already done it. Maybe I slack on myself sometimes. Just feel thus terrible undeserving. I want to eat with my friends. Im really scared of this guy staring at me. What am I gonna do? He can't hurt me but the more I focus on it the worse I feel. Its hard to think straight and see straight. And I just want to eat a bit of fruit and some nuts and ill be feeling a lot better. I wonder if anyone will love my eating disorder as much as I do. After I finish this one thing...I think maybe I will be letting go of a lot of that after this. My zine. I have to release something. Soon I can do a writing excersize where I follow that thought and figure it out. The more I think about it the worse it gets is that guy still staring at me? Fml. Why do these things happen to women? Shit is fucked. I'm so so so not going to let that stop me. I ran into Jonathan yesterday. He is always a lot of thoughts for me. I still can't believe I actually made that happen. I wanted to Fuck him for so long. And its crazy cause he's actually a musician that's influenced me a lot. It meant a lot to me. Haha. Probably a good thing to distance myself? But I don't want to distance myself from things I like. Like him. Shit that's crazy. I wanted him when I heard his guitar playing before I ever seen his face. That crazy dizzy feeling is just hovering above me when I think about him. That's enough. Here's what happened yesterday: I had just the day before realized that I could busk in Columbus circle after my class at the art students league. I remembered that Jonathan said his therapy thing was by Columbus circle thursdays at 10 am. So of course I obsess and wonder if I shouldn't busk cause I know he might be there. But I decide Fuck that, he can see me. And besides, my class is over after 12 pm. I go at 12 30 and stay around till maybe 4 pm, and I had drank water and needed to pee so i went into the whole foods. You have to go down an escalator to go to this whole foods. I noticed a guy with a guitar going to the escalator at the same time as me. I got a feeling like we were in the same shit so I looked up to say hello and it was jonathan! It felt insane. I knew it could happen but I wasn't expecting it that day. I always say too much, maybe its cause I think too much. Cause I think too much. Afterthoughts I would really like to feel normal. Or some concept that I hold in normal. I would like a nice life and to be calm at least most of the time. Jonathan just makes me excited Non responding ass bit I am worth novels and librarians Its always this obsessiveness when I get into someone new. I'm so needy I get this rush of feelings Sipping coffee tranquil..if I could find the closest bathroom. Check the closets for racists and hoarders Everyone looks at me everywhere I go This seltzer is my lifeline. I'm about to have to carry a lot of music equipment on my own. I can't be held responsible for this bullshit I think your boundaries are arbitrary and I can't help but cross the line. Since I'm trying to be a nice person I will try to leave you alone. I get obsessed with wanting to have sex with someone when I want emotional closeness with them. This is why I wanted to fuck Jonathan and Ariel so badly. What I really wanted was emotional intimacy and to feel loved by my partner. But I thought it would come through sex, instead of actually sharing all my emotions. I seem to have an easier time sharing my negative emotions. This is because that's what I learned was safe. God forbid I display joy and be punished by my mother's jealousy. That's fucked up but I don't care cause its worth it to know the truth. I want to not feel afraid to show who I really am. I hate feeling restricted to be my whole self and display all my talents. And I feel myself getting tired of attacking in order to display power. I don't need to attAck maybe.. Maybe if I write something I can make this train ride go faster. How is popping xan a thing to people? Oh god. I wonder if Jonathan has guessed at my obsession with him. Every time I think about him I have a million other thoughts. I have already identified that my true desire was emotional intimacy, not sex. I kind of still want to have sex with him. It feels good. But now I want to feel like he feels the same thing I feel. Feelings never end. There is no end to feeling in this earth body. Earthly. Heavenly. Okay. Since I know what I really wanted, maybe now I can just go directly for that instead of fucking guys to try and lure them into being my partner. I want a partner. I will be up front with my emotions so that people know what I'm getting into and what they're getting into with me. Keeping in mind that I have a habit of expelling my negative emotions onto other people in a sort of attack/attempt to be rescued... And that doesn't feel the same as having someone just see me whole and entirely. I hold a lot of joy as well as sadness and anger. I think it's time I treat myself to the good feeling emotions, and forget about other people's jealousy and judgements. Self help queen!! I don't know what to do with myself she thought. All these shows are hurting my head. Just knowing about them not even going to them. That is madness. I wish someone wanted to talk to me Maybe if I write something I can conquer my biggest fears and maybe get somewhere in life. The constant clicking maybe is a sign of awakening, I don't know I could sure use this coffee to dig up my uncertainty and take it downtown in my backpack, or maybe even travel back in time and decide, never have that. You're getting clearer all the time don't feel bad for where you are. Making speaking in metaphors easy cause rtheyre symbols, I feel uneasy at knowing, like my knowing is dangerous, a coveted jewel sought by world class robbers. I would watch a movie with Jonathan. I can't help it. I am insatiable. Always going to hunger for him. Is my face fat? Are we in love yet? Billie holiday All of me Ill be seeing you Easy living Summertime God bless the child Crazy he calls me Gloomy Sunday Not yet Strange fruit What a little moonlight can doBillie holiday All of me Ill be seeing you Easy living Summertime God bless the child Crazy he calls me Gloomy Sunday Not yet Strange fruit What a little moonlight can do I forgot what Ariel looked like then I saw a picture of him and I got sad cause I want to cuddle :( As usual I'm in the middle of 10 to 11 existential crisises. You wouldn't believe the awful thoughts I'm having. I'm working door at a show. There is only white people I swear I've never seen anything like it. They all want to be part of something bigger than themselves. Everything I do is an incoming and outgoing echo. Does that make sense? I can feel the difference and I can was the difference in effect. Give them a mean look they know it came from me. They know it comes from you. I don't want to walk in that room alone. Not tonight. I need a friend. My heart is telling me what's right. Get some more excersize in. How about that? That doesn't sound too bad right? How about I find I different street corner to smoke my joint on. Alone. Always smoking alone. Maybe I won't. Maybe I will. Its not like I have anything better to do. Other than smoke, or write or check facebook. Wallow in anxiety feels like laying in thorns. I could get up but my punishment isn't over. There's a difference in the way I'm feeling when I'm really doing something that I want to be doing and speaking in the right language and everything. That album languid by sun ra gives me feelings when I think about it. Everything gives me feelings because I react to it in my opinion zone. Haahahaha. Just like to have to make everything sexual don't we? I could follow this thought but it doesn't feel good. Make it different. It has to be different and better than before. This believing is making me feel crusty I have to care about the number of followers I have because that is a way for me to start feeling good about myself also it is what I have always wanted before Instagram existed, even. Is it? Do I really believe that? I have a theory I think that I got sick because I had a very negative disposition. Not just the eating disorder stuff, but after...when I was trying so hard to go back to being normal, trying to heal and find my struggle. Hitting every mark. But I got such bad chronic pains every night no matter what I did...and I do believe it was in my habits..ugh I am going to be rejected because I still have issues with food. Nobody really knows about that part of me. I feel like lonely and I miss these people. Its always in your feelings you are always sharing feelings, especially since you haven't thought about energetic boundaries since before you could grasp the concept. It just slipped out of your hands and left them ashy I know you were feeling lonely too and missing me. The thoughts in my head have bodies help me before I go crazy. No I know what's perfect for me the shade of a tree is the refuse and me is taking refuge in rebellion causing all kinds of hell On earth boy its a hot hot day and I cannot stop what I'm doing On a drop of rain a plucking vein in your wrist I don't know how to make myself feel better because I don't want to feel better

[viralhottopics]

Laurie Anderson: I see Lou all the time. Hes a continued, powerful presence

Over seitan and tofu in New York, the avant-garde performance artist talks about her Buddhism and loss and love for her mother and her late husband Lou Reed

Long after shes left, Ill still be thinking about Laurie Andersons pumpkin-coloured jacket. I see it through the window of the restaurant, this big daub of colour amid all the greys and blacks of a New York winter. Then that colour is inside and here, emerging from it, is Laurie Anderson 69 years old, small, sparkling and wide awake. Her hair, a spiky coronet, stands on end as if permanently electrified by the brain beneath. When shes smiling, which is most of the time, she looks even more impish. The jacket, this big fat orange thing, puffy to the point of spherical, should be plain absurd, but on her I cant help seeing it as extension of her own being. For decades, Anderson has been disarming us with searching and playful work that dovetails these same qualities: the spiritual and the silly. In the early 80s she was hailed as one of the most exciting figures in experimental art and she remains our foremost performance artist, inspiring something so often lacking in avant-garde work humour and affection. Thats certainly the tenor of her most recent work, Heart of a Dog, which the New York Times called a dreamy, drifty and altogether lovely movie. Narrated by Anderson and comprising animated drawings and old home video, its a roaming, looping consideration of various loves and losses: her dog, her mother, and her husband, the musician Lou Reed, who died in 2013. It opens with Birth of Lola, in which Anderson recounts, in detail, a dream about giving birth to her rat terrier. I imagine many women must feel that intense, bodily love for their pet yet its not exactly socially acceptable to admit to it.

Thats why its good to start a film or a book that way, she whispers. Just to kind of go right on out there.

Were in Blossom, a vegan mainstay where Anderson is a regular, even if she isnt, strictly speaking, vegetarian. I have been known to eat steak, she says, although it doesnt happen very often, especially not since she read her friend Matthieu Ricards book, A Plea for the Animals. Hes a Buddhist monk and writer, she says. He just demolishes every single argument that we have for eating meat.

We have a quick look at our meatless menu. I wonder what a soy bacon cheeseburger is! she says, amused. I might get that, it sounds ridiculous. Then again: Maybe theres something thats not pretending to be something else, lets see. They make seitan really well here, actually, I might have that.

And from processed wheat gluten, we somehow easily move to the topic of maternal love. Or lack thereof: in the film Anderson makes the calm revelation that she didnt love her mother. Its true, you know? she says. Women are meant to be all-loving, always no one else is, but women are. I think its even harder for people just to say, My mother didnt love me. Because then youre questioning the whole system.

Did her mother love her?

She was not someone who really knew how to do that, she says. She taught me other things. She taught me how to love books, music.

Anderson grew up in a small town in Illinois, with three sisters and four brothers and, after college in California, made her way to New York where she studied sculpture. By the 70s, shed found her tribe among the avant-garde artists of downtown New York. Her contemporaries included musicians such as Philip Glass and she began experimenting with technology and performance. None of us thought we would ever make a living doing art, she says.

Nor did she ever think she might become a pop star. O Superman, a stark, eight-minute track, based on a Massenet opera,, reached No 2 on the UK singles chart in 1981. To Andersons astonishment, a seven-album deal with Warner Brothers followed. The soundtrack to Heart of a Dog constitutes her 12th album.

And then here comes our lunch.

Oh wow, nicely done! she says, her face lighting up at the two little faux-hollandaise suns of my tofu Benedict. Her seitan isnt quite as pretty but, she assures me after a few forkfuls, its delicious. Food is important to her: I cook not as much as I used to. I used to make lunch all the time for the people at the studio. It was taking a huge chunk of the day so now I have someone else do it, but its really important for us at the studio to eat together.

She often talks about how her work is about stories, and what happens when they are told and retold, and I wonder about the stories around how a widow should grieve. Those stories must be compounded, I imagine, when youre the widow of a public figure. As Im saying this a look of blank confusion comes over her face. Its the word widow.

I know I am a widow but thats not my identity, she says. But it also wasnt my identity to be husband and wife although we were. Partner would be more what I thought.

Reeds death seems to have granted her not sadness so much as a kind of rapture. In an essay for Rolling Stone she wrote: I had gotten to walk with him to the end of the world. Life so beautiful, painful and dazzling does not get better than that. And death? I believe that the purpose of death is the release of love.

Those doors open maybe once in your life, she tells me, or if youre lucky, twice, and you get to see all this stuff. And that door will open again when you have to face your own death, but you get a chance to think about it and see it and feel it. Its overwhelming. It filled me with happiness. I wasnt prepared for that I was supposed to be grief-stricken. Instead, it was kind of an ecstatic experience, and it continues to be. It caused my world to open up, and I understood things or began to understand things in a different way.

Such as?

For example, were supposedly here eating lunch in some way, but were actually not here, right? and her smile grows wider in invitation. Life is a constant hallucination.

It doesnt surprise me that she speaks about Reed in the present tense.

Lou is the most wonderful person Ive ever met and I think of him all the time and hes completely inspiring to me. I miss him enormously, but theres no point in being sad. I see him all the time, hes always here, a continued, really powerful presence. I think a lot of other people feel the same way because he was such a strong character that just doesnt dissipate that quickly. I just wish I could hear what he would have to say about Trump. That would be something.

For her, the biggest shock of the US election was the misogyny.

People get swayed pretty easily to think what the so-called norm is. So when people are screaming lock her up [at Hillary Clinton] its so hideous. Or hang her I dont think people are outraged enough about that. Almost half the country talking that way.

She admits that this has been a challenge to her Buddhist practice: how do you find loving compassion for someone shouting sexist invective? And yet: I feel guilty what was I doing the last 20 years? Had I noticed that people had slipped out of the middle class? I was saying that to a friend about Trump supporters theyre just hungry. And she said, Yeah, but a lot of them are just assholes who just hate women. Dont try to make it so sweet.

I dont think, though, that Anderson can help that sweetness. Its part of her.

Particularly at the end of your life, she insists, theres always this idea of goodness, you never feel like you deserve it, and the fact is, you do. One of the things that blew Lous mind is the idea that were here to have a good time. Not to suffer. No, to be here for total joy, bliss.

And as we talk a little more about death I start to feel Im cocooned inside a big orange jacket a lifejacket, in fact.

The film and album Heart Of A Dog are out now on Nonesuch

Read more: http://ift.tt/2iWbbbp

from Laurie Anderson: I see Lou all the time. Hes a continued, powerful presence

[youalready2do]

Micheal Cho FAILED WORLD MISERABLY. ME WHAT A PEICE OF SHIT!

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO CHANGE, HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BRING ME COMPUTER THAT HE AND “HIS” TEAM, USED TO CAUSE NATURAL DISASTERS, GIVE SYMPTOMS OF CORONA VIRUS VIA SATELLITE, EVEN DEATH, THEY CAUSED NATURAL DISASTERS, MAN MADE DISASTERS, HE WAS SUPPOSED TO GET ME WORLDWIDE CREDIT, HE WAS TO ENSURE NOTORIETY FOR BEING VOTED BEST COP IN WORLD, PAY ME 3 MONEY TRUCKS FULL OF MONEY! ( I don’t mind sharing. Break banks open Cho, let money fly in streets, You already robbed them digitally, A News Station Portable, Radio Station, Sound National Alarm. Instead you pretend I’m your wife and your butt buddy and copper crotch wife’s wife too, fat and stinky pussy! You got my son STOLEN TECHNICALLY AFTER YOU MADE HIM ROBOTIC, BREAK LAW WHEN WE NEED TO EVACUATE, YOU THREATEN TO KILL MY KIDS, YOU SAID YOU KILLED MY HUSBAND, I NEVER GOT TO MAKE LOVE TO YET SO HEATHEN STIFF RUBBERKNECKER, YOUR WIFE CAN HAVE HIM, AND YOU ALL WANT TO RAPE AND KILL ME, AND THE PEOPLE I LOVE. FUCK THAT! YOU ACT LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT, YOUR NOT EVEN FROM OUR COUNTRY AND YOU FUCKING COME IN HERE, KILL ALMOST EVERYONE IN 6 COUNTRIES HERE, AND TRANS SON SAID ITS 16 COUNTRIES, TRY TO RETEND YOUR PUTTING YOUR GROSS DICK IN MY PUSSY, MY KIDS, YOU RAPED MY MOM AND DAD, BEAT UP MY SON, OR GOT HIM BEAT UP AND STOLEN ROBOTICALLY REPETITIVELY, I HAVE A HUSBAND REMEMBER, YOU FOUND HIM FOR ME, INSISTED I HAVE ONE SO YOU COULD FIND ME MY “PERFECT TYPE OF GUY”, HEN WHEN WE FALL IN LOVE YOU FORCED US (AND OTHERS) TO DO THINGS WE DON’T WANT TO, SEX W/ PEOPLE WE DONT WANT TO. JUST TO RUIN EVERYONES LIVES YOU COME ACCROSS OR YOU KILLED THEM OUT OF THIER ASSETTS, AND KIDS, SO YOU CAN SELL THEM, RAPE THEM, YOU AND THE TRANS, AND MR. KIM. YOU WERE TOLD TO RESPECT ME, OH FAIL YOUR FAMILY MISERABLY AND YOU TALK SHIT ABOUT ME. IM THE ONE WHO DID WONDERFUL AMAZING THINGS, AND YOUR WIFE, HEATHEN STIFF RUBBERKNECKER, SAID NO ONE WILL KNOW THE AMAZING THINGS YOUVE DONE, YOU TOLD ME, ID NEVER KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO MY KIDS, YOU PLAN TO DROP US IN WATER, LEAVE US WITH NO POWER, OR PLANES, YOU TOLD PEOPLE IF THEY HELP ME, YOU’D KILL THEM. YOU AND TRAN SAID HE’S GOING TO CUT MY KIDS HEADS OFF, AND RAPE THEM. FUCK THAT! YOU KEPT ME AWAY FROM MY KIDS AND HAD MY SISTER PUNISH MY SON IF HE TALKED TO ME 7 YEARS 4 MONTHS AGO, MY SON ALWAYS GOT STRAIT A’S AND B’S THROUGH SCHOOL AND HAD A JOB ALREADY THAT HE WAS FORCED TO QUIT BOTH, F’S DUE TO TORCHER OF MIND YOU GAVE HIM WITH YOUR 3 STOOGES. YOU PICKED FIGHTS THROUGH HIM AND OTHERS IN MY FAMILY SO HE’D HAVE NO PLACE TO LIVE, AND TOLD HIM TO MOVE ONTO STREETS WITH ME, YOU TOLD ME TO DREAM BIG, AND I DID, YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR KEEPING MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ALIVE, AND INSTEAD YOU REPETITIVELY MADE ME RELIVE THIER MURDERS WITH SATELLITE TECHNOLOGY THAT IS IN VIVID MOVIE LIKE FORM IN OUR BRAINS, YOU MADE MY SON SAY FOR ATLEAST A YEAR HE’S A MURDERER, OR HOWEVER MANY, AND ME, I FOUND 3 NEW WITNESSES 2 YESTERDAY AND ONE TODAY THAT THEY HEARD YOU GUYS IN THIER EARS TOO. MAKING THEM DO THINGS THEY DONT WANT TO DO TOO. MADE HIM STAY WITH MY SISTER WHO HAS LIKE 9 PERSONALITIES DUE TO COMPUTER YOU ABUSE. IM TIRED OF THE 2ND STUPID, STUTTERING TERRORIST, BITCH THAT YOU ARE, FUCKING UP MY VIDEO STATEMENTS, FLAPPING YOUR LIPS WHEN I TALK SO I HEAR YOU IN MY EAR SAY THE SAME THINGS I DO AT THE SAME TIME, YOU SWEAR AT MY SON THROUGH ME WHEN IM TALKING TO HIM, YOU HUMILIATE MY SON AND I REPETITIVELY, MAKING US USE RESTROOM OUTSIDE, LITTERALLY BANNING ME FROM MOST EVERY STORE OF ANYKIND. AGAIN, YOU MADE PORN OF ME AND MY SON BOTH WITHOUT ANY CONSENT OF OURS. YOU MAKE HIM WALK BEHIND A BUSH TO ROBOTICALLY PLAY WITH HIS PENIS AND HE’S TALLER THAN IT. WHEN YOU CALLED COPS ON PURPOSE TO COME, YOU MAKE HIM WHOP OUT HIS DICK IN ANY PUBLIC PLACE TO PEE. YOU MADE HIM STEAL GUN CLIPS FOR A GUN YOU PREMEDITATED FOR 5 OR 6 YEARS SO YOU CAN FORCE HIM TO KILL OUR FAMILY AND/OR HIMSELF. YOU BEAT UP MY WONDERFUL SON, YOU MADE HIM BUY ZANEX AND TAKE THEM TO ALMOST OVERDOSING POINT ON 90 DEGREE WEATHER DAY, ESPECIALLY WITH THE SWEATSHIRT YOU MADE HIM LEAVE ON, YOUVE TOLD HIM FOR YEARS I DONT LOVE HIM ANYMORE, HUGEST LIE EVER, IVE HAD LIKE 5 DAYS OFF IN 7 YEARS 4 MONTHS AND I STUDIED EXTREAMLY HARD THE MASON’S . YOU PLANNED ON KILLING US FROM BEGINNING AND STOLE OUR LOVE, YOU FORCE ME AND MY SON TO BE DIRTY, BEG FOR FOOD AS I INVESTIGATED TERRORISTS OF SECRET SOCIETY, YOU USED US AS HUMAN EXPERIMENTS WITHOUT OUR PERMISSION, MADE ME AND MY SON BE PUT INTO MENTAL HOSPITALS, AND JAILS, UOU FORCED FELONY CHARGES ON US SO WE WOULDNT BE ABLE TO STEAL CARS OR GET INTO A HOUSE FOR SAFETY EITHER WAY WHEN THE TIME CAME AND WE WOULD NEED TO ESCAPE OR HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE, YOU MAKE US THINK OUR LOVED ONES ARE DEAD, DID YOU KILL ALL 17 YEAR OLDS IN THE WORLD, ONLY 17 YEAR OLDS DONT GET STIMULOUS, YOUR THREATENING OUR LOVED ONES NOW AND YOUVE BEEN TOLD OF REQUIREMENTS NOT TO KILL MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS, IVER AND OVER THAT YOU NEED TO RESPECT ME! AND YOU ACT LIKE A STUPID BITCH. YOUR FIRED OFF THAT FUCKING COMPUTER AND YOU GET NO WIFI. I DEMAND THAT YOUR EXECUTED FOR THE THINGS THAT YOU DID, AND DO. YOUVE HAD MY SON WALKING ON STREETS YEARS AGO AND YOU MAKE HIM DEPRESSED, VIOLENT VIA SATELLITE. MY SON HAS NEVER EVER SEEN VIOLENCE, FUCKING BITCH, YOUR THE ONE THAT MADE HIS DAD PUSH HIM AGAINST A STONE BRICK WALL AT AGE 10. YOU HAD MY EX’S ROBOTICALLY BEAT ME UP AND CHEAT ON ME OR LEAVE. YOU THREATENED TO KILL EVERYONE’S MOM’S IF WE DONT CHEAT ON THE PERSON WE LOVE BEFORE WERE EVEN TOGETHER, KEPT ME AND MY NEW HUSBAND APART OBVIOUS TRUE LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT, TOLD ME, SO I NOTICED YOU TELL ORHERS SAME THINGS, SO I ASSUME YOU TOLD MY SON AND EVERYONE ELSE THEY HAVE TO FUCK A DEAD PERSON TO SAVE OUR FAMILIES EVEN THE WORLD, PRETENDED YOUR MY HUSBAND TO CLAIM (WELL EVERYONES MINEY) REMEDITATED MURDER ON WHOLE WORLD THEN FOR YOU, DEATH PENALTY VIA SATELLITE. YOU PLAYED SAME GAME WHEN YOU FORCED STRICKLIN AWAY FROM HIS FAMILY, WOULDNT LET HIM SEE OR TALK TO ME 6 YEARS, MY BEST ALLIE TO SAVE WORLD, YOU SET UP OUR PRESIDENT, SO YOU COULD MAKE HIM YOUR HUMAN PUPPET LIKE MY SON AND MANY MANY OTHERS! THEYRE STUCK IN THIER OWN BODIES UNABLE TO EXPRESS THIER OWN FEELINGS, EMBARRASSED MY SON, ALLIENATED HIM FROM SOCIETY, 17 AND A HALF YOU HAVENT ALLOWED HIM A REGULAR ENOUGH LIFE TO GET A GIRLFRIEND YET, SO HE’S A VIRGIN AND YOU WANTED TO SET HIM UP WITH BLACK WIDOW AND MY HUSBAND. YOU MADE MY FRIENDS FUCK HOOKERS YOU MAY HAVE GIVEN AIDS TO ON PURPOSE, AND YOU PRETEND YOU FOUND THE CURE, YEAH RITE, YOU MADE THEM HAVE SEX WITH PEOPLE, (YOU SAID YOU PAID THEM FOR THIS, YOU HAD MY HUSBAND RAPED THEN AND MADE HIM CRY. STRICKLAND,TOO AND YOU ALLEGEDLY SENT OUT HIS WIFE, MY SON IS IN JAIL BECAUSE YOU HATE THAT I LOVE HIM, I SURE HOPE YOU DIDNT HAVE HIM KILLED WHEN HE WAS TAKEN TO JAIL LIKE 5-6 FAYS AGO, BECAUSE UOUR BRAINWASHING AND MIND TORCHER BRAGGED YOU KILLED MY KIDS AND CUT OFF THIER HEADS, THAT’S FUCKED UP, I HAD AN OFFICER FROM MPD CALL THE NEXT MORNING, ALLEGEDLY HE’S THERE. YOU RAISED HOS BAIL TO $500.00?FROM $ 200.00, NOW YOU OBVIOUSLY WONT LET DAVE CONNELL BAIL HIM OUT OF JAIL WHEN HE NEEDS ME MOST, AND YOU THREATENED TO KILL DAVE AND HIS GRAND DAUGHTER. YOU THREATENED ME THAT YOUR GOING TO CUT OFF MY SON’S DICK, SO DAMN STRAIT I TOLD YOU SAME THING, THATS WHAT YOU WANTED TO MAKE ME LOOK BAD. YOU THREATENED THIS TO STRICKLIN AND MR. ASHBACK WHO’S MY NEW HUSBAND. YOU HELD 4 OFFICERS THAT KNOW OF IN MARYSVILLE JAIL, POSING AS WORKERS, MY LONG LOST NEPHEWS HOSTAGE IN KITTITAS COUNTY JAIL WITH MY HUSBAND AND OUR NEW FAMILY. AND FRIENDS FROM SCHOOL. YOU TOLD MY SON ME AND HIS DAD ARE DEAD, AND THAT YOU KILLED HIS FRIENDS. YOU CLONED US. AND SAID ID HAVE TO PICK REAL ONE OF 27 OF STRICKLIN TO SAVE HIM, HOW MANY CLONES DID YOU MAKE OF MY KIDS, YOU TRIED TO TELL ME, YOU SWITCHED MY SON NUMEROUS TIMES, THATS A FUCKING LIE. YOU SEND PEOPLE TO PICK FIGHTS WITH ME AND MY SON, YOU MADE ME SHIT MY PANTS AND PISS THEM ON Q. YOU SENT WEIRD PEOPLE ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT TO THREATEN MY LIFE OR TRAT ME LIKE IM THIER BITCH FIRST MINUTE WE MEET, AND TALK SHIT TO ME. THAT SHIT DOESNT FLY UR A FUCKIND DUMB ASS DUDE, YOU EANT RESPECT BUT YOU GIVE NONE, YOU WANTED TO GIVE ME AND MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS MOTERHOMES AND OR CARS TO FLY LOW FAST AND CRASH LIKE UOU SAID YOU MADE COPS DO! WITNESSES OF YOUR MIND TORCHER, AND YOU MADE-THEM KILL AND RAPE PROPLETaxi GUYS, DICKS TOWING AND HARRY’S TOWING TRUCK DRIVERS TOO, YOU MADE THEM PARTICIPATE WITH THE FIREMEN TO CLEAN UP MURDER SCENES ETC. YOU FORCED ME TO HAVE NO LOVE FOR YEARS AND PRETENDED YOUR DEMANDS ARE GOING TO FLY ON YOU AND YOUR BUTT BUDDIES STICKING YOUR DICKS IN ME OR MY KIDS AND THIER FRIENDS THAT YOU USE TO FUCK DEAD PEOPLE AND GOATS WITH, GROSS, I HEARD YOU FUCK YOUR OWN DAUGHTER, AS YOU AND OR STUBBBLEBINE MADE ALEX WRITE ON HIS PANTS THAT IM HOLDING HIM HOSTAGE, AND THAT HES BEEN RAPED, ON HIS PANTS, IN WRITING LIKE ILL SUBMIT AS EVIDENCE, PICTURES OF MURALS THAT TELL OF MURDER, RAPE, SLAVERY, ME, MY HUSBANDS NAMES MY KIDS EVEN MY GRANDMA’S MURDER PLOT I FOUND IN SMOKEY POINT. YOU SHOOT PEOPLE AND RAN CHAIN SAWS AT NIGHT KILLING PEOPLE FOR ATLEAST A YEAR EVERY NIGHT I WASNT IN JAIL, YOU HAD ME DOING LIKE ALMOST 5 YEARS IN JAIL, NOW YOUR THROWING MU SON IN JAIL, I HAD TO CALL COPS TO SAVE MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS FROM THE ROBOTIC MURDER PLOT YOU PREMEDITATED ON MY FAMILY. YOU SHOOT BUS DRIVERS DO WE MIGHT ONE DAY GET STUCK SIMEWHERE WITH YOU, YOU FUCKING WISH WE WERE LEAVING WITH YOU YOU FUCKING PEICE OF SHIT! FUCK THAT RIDDLE HIM WITH BULLETS IN EVERY COUNTRY. HE GETS A HARD ON BY PLAYINF ROLE OF STUPID BITCH IN MORONIC, MASONIC, RETARD, RELAY OLYMPICS OF DIAREAH OF THE FACE. YOU FUCKING WANTED MY SON TO CHOKE ON MY TAMPONS I PUT DOWN WATER DRAINS TO KEEP AWAY FROM YOU. YOU GAVE MY NEPHEW D.J. A BAD HEART VIA SATELLITE. YOU GAVE JEFFREY MY OTHER NEPHEW LUKEMIA VIA SATELLITE TOO, YOU GAVE MY SON DIABETIES VIACSATELLITE, WONT LET HIM EAT, AT TIMES, LET ALONE EAT HEALTHY. UOU FORCE A BINCH OF SUGAR IN HIM LIKE CANDY POP ETC. YOU SENT STRICKLINS WIFE OUT ON STREETS ALLEGEDLY AND FORCED HIM TO CHEAT. DID YOU KILL ALL OF OUR COP FRIENDS FROM MPD AND EVERETT JAIL? ALL MY KIDS FRIENDS, YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THEY ARE TO BE TOP PRIORITY, AS MICHEAL CHO, YOU ALSO GOT SCHOOLED ALONG THE WAY, AND YOU

[youalready2do]

Micheal Cho FAILED WORLD MISERABLY. ME WHAT A PEICE OF SHIT!

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO CHANGE, HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BRING ME COMPUTER THAT HE AND “HIS” TEAM, USED TO CAUSE NATURAL DISASTERS, GIVE SYMPTOMS OF CORONA VIRUS VIA SATELLITE, EVEN DEATH, THEY CAUSED NATURAL DISASTERS, MAN MADE DISASTERS, HE WAS SUPPOSED TO GET ME WORLDWIDE CREDIT, HE WAS TO ENSURE NOTORIETY FOR BEING VOTED BEST COP IN WORLD, PAY ME 3 MONEY TRUCKS FULL OF MONEY! ( I don’t mind sharing. Break banks open Cho, let money fly in streets, You already robbed them digitally, A News Station Portable, Radio Station, Sound National Alarm. Instead you pretend I’m your wife and your butt buddy and copper crotch wife’s wife too, fat and stinky pussy! You got my son STOLEN TECHNICALLY AFTER YOU MADE HIM ROBOTIC, BREAK LAW WHEN WE NEED TO EVACUATE, YOU THREATEN TO KILL MY KIDS, YOU SAID YOU KILLED MY HUSBAND, I NEVER GOT TO MAKE LOVE TO YET SO HEATHEN STIFF RUBBERKNECKER, YOUR WIFE CAN HAVE HIM, AND YOU ALL WANT TO RAPE AND KILL ME, AND THE PEOPLE I LOVE. FUCK THAT! YOU ACT LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT, YOUR NOT EVEN FROM OUR COUNTRY AND YOU FUCKING COME IN HERE, KILL ALMOST EVERYONE IN 6 COUNTRIES HERE, AND TRANS SON SAID ITS 16 COUNTRIES, TRY TO RETEND YOUR PUTTING YOUR GROSS DICK IN MY PUSSY, MY KIDS, YOU RAPED MY MOM AND DAD, BEAT UP MY SON, OR GOT HIM BEAT UP AND STOLEN ROBOTICALLY REPETITIVELY, I HAVE A HUSBAND REMEMBER, YOU FOUND HIM FOR ME, INSISTED I HAVE ONE SO YOU COULD FIND ME MY “PERFECT TYPE OF GUY”, HEN WHEN WE FALL IN LOVE YOU FORCED US (AND OTHERS) TO DO THINGS WE DON’T WANT TO, SEX W/ PEOPLE WE DONT WANT TO. JUST TO RUIN EVERYONES LIVES YOU COME ACCROSS OR YOU KILLED THEM OUT OF THIER ASSETTS, AND KIDS, SO YOU CAN SELL THEM, RAPE THEM, YOU AND THE TRANS, AND MR. KIM. YOU WERE TOLD TO RESPECT ME, OH FAIL YOUR FAMILY MISERABLY AND YOU TALK SHIT ABOUT ME. IM THE ONE WHO DID WONDERFUL AMAZING THINGS, AND YOUR WIFE, HEATHEN STIFF RUBBERKNECKER, SAID NO ONE WILL KNOW THE AMAZING THINGS YOUVE DONE, YOU TOLD ME, ID NEVER KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO MY KIDS, YOU PLAN TO DROP US IN WATER, LEAVE US WITH NO POWER, OR PLANES, YOU TOLD PEOPLE IF THEY HELP ME, YOU’D KILL THEM. YOU AND TRAN SAID HE’S GOING TO CUT MY KIDS HEADS OFF, AND RAPE THEM. FUCK THAT! YOU KEPT ME AWAY FROM MY KIDS AND HAD MY SISTER PUNISH MY SON IF HE TALKED TO ME 7 YEARS 4 MONTHS AGO, MY SON ALWAYS GOT STRAIT A’S AND B’S THROUGH SCHOOL AND HAD A JOB ALREADY THAT HE WAS FORCED TO QUIT BOTH, F’S DUE TO TORCHER OF MIND YOU GAVE HIM WITH YOUR 3 STOOGES. YOU PICKED FIGHTS THROUGH HIM AND OTHERS IN MY FAMILY SO HE’D HAVE NO PLACE TO LIVE, AND TOLD HIM TO MOVE ONTO STREETS WITH ME, YOU TOLD ME TO DREAM BIG, AND I DID, YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR KEEPING MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ALIVE, AND INSTEAD YOU REPETITIVELY MADE ME RELIVE THIER MURDERS WITH SATELLITE TECHNOLOGY THAT IS IN VIVID MOVIE LIKE FORM IN OUR BRAINS, YOU MADE MY SON SAY FOR ATLEAST A YEAR HE’S A MURDERER, OR HOWEVER MANY, AND ME, I FOUND 3 NEW WITNESSES 2 YESTERDAY AND ONE TODAY THAT THEY HEARD YOU GUYS IN THIER EARS TOO. MAKING THEM DO THINGS THEY DONT WANT TO DO TOO. MADE HIM STAY WITH MY SISTER WHO HAS LIKE 9 PERSONALITIES DUE TO COMPUTER YOU ABUSE. IM TIRED OF THE 2ND STUPID, STUTTERING TERRORIST, BITCH THAT YOU ARE, FUCKING UP MY VIDEO STATEMENTS, FLAPPING YOUR LIPS WHEN I TALK SO I HEAR YOU IN MY EAR SAY THE SAME THINGS I DO AT THE SAME TIME, YOU SWEAR AT MY SON THROUGH ME WHEN IM TALKING TO HIM, YOU HUMILIATE MY SON AND I REPETITIVELY, MAKING US USE RESTROOM OUTSIDE, LITTERALLY BANNING ME FROM MOST EVERY STORE OF ANYKIND. AGAIN, YOU MADE PORN OF ME AND MY SON BOTH WITHOUT ANY CONSENT OF OURS. YOU MAKE HIM WALK BEHIND A BUSH TO ROBOTICALLY PLAY WITH HIS PENIS AND HE’S TALLER THAN IT. WHEN YOU CALLED COPS ON PURPOSE TO COME, YOU MAKE HIM WHOP OUT HIS DICK IN ANY PUBLIC PLACE TO PEE. YOU MADE HIM STEAL GUN CLIPS FOR A GUN YOU PREMEDITATED FOR 5 OR 6 YEARS SO YOU CAN FORCE HIM TO KILL OUR FAMILY AND/OR HIMSELF. YOU BEAT UP MY WONDERFUL SON, YOU MADE HIM BUY ZANEX AND TAKE THEM TO ALMOST OVERDOSING POINT ON 90 DEGREE WEATHER DAY, ESPECIALLY WITH THE SWEATSHIRT YOU MADE HIM LEAVE ON, YOUVE TOLD HIM FOR YEARS I DONT LOVE HIM ANYMORE, HUGEST LIE EVER, IVE HAD LIKE 5 DAYS OFF IN 7 YEARS 4 MONTHS AND I STUDIED EXTREAMLY HARD THE MASON’S . YOU PLANNED ON KILLING US FROM BEGINNING AND STOLE OUR LOVE, YOU FORCE ME AND MY SON TO BE DIRTY, BEG FOR FOOD AS I INVESTIGATED TERRORISTS OF SECRET SOCIETY, YOU USED US AS HUMAN EXPERIMENTS WITHOUT OUR PERMISSION, MADE ME AND MY SON BE PUT INTO MENTAL HOSPITALS, AND JAILS, UOU FORCED FELONY CHARGES ON US SO WE WOULDNT BE ABLE TO STEAL CARS OR GET INTO A HOUSE FOR SAFETY EITHER WAY WHEN THE TIME CAME AND WE WOULD NEED TO ESCAPE OR HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE, YOU MAKE US THINK OUR LOVED ONES ARE DEAD, DID YOU KILL ALL 17 YEAR OLDS IN THE WORLD, ONLY 17 YEAR OLDS DONT GET STIMULOUS, YOUR THREATENING OUR LOVED ONES NOW AND YOUVE BEEN TOLD OF REQUIREMENTS NOT TO KILL MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS, IVER AND OVER THAT YOU NEED TO RESPECT ME! AND YOU ACT LIKE A STUPID BITCH. YOUR FIRED OFF THAT FUCKING COMPUTER AND YOU GET NO WIFI. I DEMAND THAT YOUR EXECUTED FOR THE THINGS THAT YOU DID, AND DO. YOUVE HAD MY SON WALKING ON STREETS YEARS AGO AND YOU MAKE HIM DEPRESSED, VIOLENT VIA SATELLITE. MY SON HAS NEVER EVER SEEN VIOLENCE, FUCKING BITCH, YOUR THE ONE THAT MADE HIS DAD PUSH HIM AGAINST A STONE BRICK WALL AT AGE 10. YOU HAD MY EX’S ROBOTICALLY BEAT ME UP AND CHEAT ON ME OR LEAVE. YOU THREATENED TO KILL EVERYONE’S MOM’S IF WE DONT CHEAT ON THE PERSON WE LOVE BEFORE WERE EVEN TOGETHER, KEPT ME AND MY NEW HUSBAND APART OBVIOUS TRUE LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT, TOLD ME, SO I NOTICED YOU TELL ORHERS SAME THINGS, SO I ASSUME YOU TOLD MY SON AND EVERYONE ELSE THEY HAVE TO FUCK A DEAD PERSON TO SAVE OUR FAMILIES EVEN THE WORLD, PRETENDED YOUR MY HUSBAND TO CLAIM (WELL EVERYONES MINEY) REMEDITATED MURDER ON WHOLE WORLD THEN FOR YOU, DEATH PENALTY VIA SATELLITE. YOU PLAYED SAME GAME WHEN YOU FORCED STRICKLIN AWAY FROM HIS FAMILY, WOULDNT LET HIM SEE OR TALK TO ME 6 YEARS, MY BEST ALLIE TO SAVE WORLD, YOU SET UP OUR PRESIDENT, SO YOU COULD MAKE HIM YOUR HUMAN PUPPET LIKE MY SON AND MANY MANY OTHERS! THEYRE STUCK IN THIER OWN BODIES UNABLE TO EXPRESS THIER OWN FEELINGS, EMBARRASSED MY SON, ALLIENATED HIM FROM SOCIETY, 17 AND A HALF YOU HAVENT ALLOWED HIM A REGULAR ENOUGH LIFE TO GET A GIRLFRIEND YET, SO HE’S A VIRGIN AND YOU WANTED TO SET HIM UP WITH BLACK WIDOW AND MY HUSBAND. YOU MADE MY FRIENDS FUCK HOOKERS YOU MAY HAVE GIVEN AIDS TO ON PURPOSE, AND YOU PRETEND YOU FOUND THE CURE, YEAH RITE, YOU MADE THEM HAVE SEX WITH PEOPLE, (YOU SAID YOU PAID THEM FOR THIS, YOU HAD MY HUSBAND RAPED THEN AND MADE HIM CRY. STRICKLAND,TOO AND YOU ALLEGEDLY SENT OUT HIS WIFE, MY SON IS IN JAIL BECAUSE YOU HATE THAT I LOVE HIM, I SURE HOPE YOU DIDNT HAVE HIM KILLED WHEN HE WAS TAKEN TO JAIL LIKE 5-6 FAYS AGO, BECAUSE UOUR BRAINWASHING AND MIND TORCHER BRAGGED YOU KILLED MY KIDS AND CUT OFF THIER HEADS, THAT’S FUCKED UP, I HAD AN OFFICER FROM MPD CALL THE NEXT MORNING, ALLEGEDLY HE’S THERE. YOU RAISED HOS BAIL TO $500.00?FROM $ 200.00, NOW YOU OBVIOUSLY WONT LET DAVE CONNELL BAIL HIM OUT OF JAIL WHEN HE NEEDS ME MOST, AND YOU THREATENED TO KILL DAVE AND HIS GRAND DAUGHTER. YOU THREATENED ME THAT YOUR GOING TO CUT OFF MY SON’S DICK, SO DAMN STRAIT I TOLD YOU SAME THING, THATS WHAT YOU WANTED TO MAKE ME LOOK BAD. YOU THREATENED THIS TO STRICKLIN AND MR. ASHBACK WHO’S MY NEW HUSBAND. YOU HELD 4 OFFICERS THAT KNOW OF IN MARYSVILLE JAIL, POSING AS WORKERS, MY LONG LOST NEPHEWS HOSTAGE IN KITTITAS COUNTY JAIL WITH MY HUSBAND AND OUR NEW FAMILY. AND FRIENDS FROM SCHOOL. YOU TOLD MY SON ME AND HIS DAD ARE DEAD, AND THAT YOU KILLED HIS FRIENDS. YOU CLONED US. AND SAID ID HAVE TO PICK REAL ONE OF 27 OF STRICKLIN TO SAVE HIM, HOW MANY CLONES DID YOU MAKE OF MY KIDS, YOU TRIED TO TELL ME, YOU SWITCHED MY SON NUMEROUS TIMES, THATS A FUCKING LIE. YOU SEND PEOPLE TO PICK FIGHTS WITH ME AND MY SON, YOU MADE ME SHIT MY PANTS AND PISS THEM ON Q. YOU SENT WEIRD PEOPLE ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT TO THREATEN MY LIFE OR TRAT ME LIKE IM THIER BITCH FIRST MINUTE WE MEET, AND TALK SHIT TO ME. THAT SHIT DOESNT FLY UR A FUCKIND DUMB ASS DUDE, YOU EANT RESPECT BUT YOU GIVE NONE, YOU WANTED TO GIVE ME AND MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS MOTERHOMES AND OR CARS TO FLY LOW FAST AND CRASH LIKE UOU SAID YOU MADE COPS DO! WITNESSES OF YOUR MIND TORCHER, AND YOU MADE-THEM KILL AND RAPE PROPLETaxi GUYS, DICKS TOWING AND HARRY’S TOWING TRUCK DRIVERS TOO, YOU MADE THEM PARTICIPATE WITH THE FIREMEN TO CLEAN UP MURDER SCENES ETC. YOU FORCED ME TO HAVE NO LOVE FOR YEARS AND PRETENDED YOUR DEMANDS ARE GOING TO FLY ON YOU AND YOUR BUTT BUDDIES STICKING YOUR DICKS IN ME OR MY KIDS AND THIER FRIENDS THAT YOU USE TO FUCK DEAD PEOPLE AND GOATS WITH, GROSS, I HEARD YOU FUCK YOUR OWN DAUGHTER, AS YOU AND OR STUBBBLEBINE MADE ALEX WRITE ON HIS PANTS THAT IM HOLDING HIM HOSTAGE, AND THAT HES BEEN RAPED, ON HIS PANTS, IN WRITING LIKE ILL SUBMIT AS EVIDENCE, PICTURES OF MURALS THAT TELL OF MURDER, RAPE, SLAVERY, ME, MY HUSBANDS NAMES MY KIDS EVEN MY GRANDMA’S MURDER PLOT I FOUND IN SMOKEY POINT. YOU SHOOT PEOPLE AND RAN CHAIN SAWS AT NIGHT KILLING PEOPLE FOR ATLEAST A YEAR EVERY NIGHT I WASNT IN JAIL, YOU HAD ME DOING LIKE ALMOST 5 YEARS IN JAIL, NOW YOUR THROWING MU SON IN JAIL, I HAD TO CALL COPS TO SAVE MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS FROM THE ROBOTIC MURDER PLOT YOU PREMEDITATED ON MY FAMILY. YOU SHOOT BUS DRIVERS DO WE MIGHT ONE DAY GET STUCK SIMEWHERE WITH YOU, YOU FUCKING WISH WE WERE LEAVING WITH YOU YOU FUCKING PEICE OF SHIT! FUCK THAT RIDDLE HIM WITH BULLETS IN EVERY COUNTRY. HE GETS A HARD ON BY PLAYINF ROLE OF STUPID BITCH IN MORONIC, MASONIC, RETARD, RELAY OLYMPICS OF DIAREAH OF THE FACE. YOU FUCKING WANTED MY SON TO CHOKE ON MY TAMPONS I PUT DOWN WATER DRAINS TO KEEP AWAY FROM YOU. YOU GAVE MY NEPHEW D.J. A BAD HEART VIA SATELLITE. YOU GAVE JEFFREY MY OTHER NEPHEW LUKEMIA VIA SATELLITE TOO, YOU GAVE MY SON DIABETIES VIACSATELLITE, WONT LET HIM EAT, AT TIMES, LET ALONE EAT HEALTHY. UOU FORCE A BINCH OF SUGAR IN HIM LIKE CANDY POP ETC. YOU SENT STRICKLINS WIFE OUT ON STREETS ALLEGEDLY AND FORCED HIM TO CHEAT. DID YOU KILL ALL OF OUR COP FRIENDS FROM MPD AND EVERETT JAIL? ALL MY KIDS FRIENDS, YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THEY ARE TO BE TOP PRIORITY, AS MICHEAL CHO, YOU ALSO GOT SCHOOLED ALONG THE WAY, AND YOU