#why are you standing in the middle of the busiest intersection of the school when everyone is trying to leave fucking move

[noiseprophet]

most real girl in the entire world

[cubeswhump]

Sunglasses at Night

A weird interpretation of Tooth Knocked Out for my character, Noelle.

So you all know Noelle, maybe not by name, from my profile picture. She was actually one of the first characters on this blog but I’ve neglected to write her until coming up with an actual plotline like two nights ago.

Warnings for mentions of murder (specifically serial killing), blood, some gore, mentions of alcoholic intoxication, violence, kidnapping, discussed sexual abuse, implied sexual abuse, broken bones, minor mouth gore, briefly mentioned racial bias and police brutality, politically incorrect joke that the character is immediately guilted for.

There was regular stupid, and then there was Noelle Alan.

All of five feet and two inches, the girl thoight herself a badass, the Batman of middle of nowhere Florida. But instead of the Joker she fought petty criminals and that one neighbor who hit his kid, and she was dirt-poor with no grappling hook and Noellemobile, just a hockey stick and homemade pepper spray that was starting to smell fermented.

She came home bruised and bloody most nights. People looked at her father with scorn when she stood next to him with black eyes and swollen lips.

"Elle, you're gonna die one of these days," Marshall grumbled when he saw how intently she was looking at her phone, "and I'm gonna piss on your rotting corpse."

"Kinky," she giggled.

"Scratch that. If you were on fire, I wouldn't piss on you."

He had an idea of what she was looking at and a pit formed in his stomach. When the bodies of young women, necks torn and blood drained, had started to be found around town on a weekly basis, not even hidden, Noelle wasn't scared; Marshall recognized the glint in her eye.

"No," he growled, looking over her shpulder at the news article on her phone screen. "Don't you fucking dare."

"I'm hunting a vampire," Noelle murmured, lips stretching into the dumbest smile.

"Vampires aren't fucking real. You're gonna chase after a serial killer and end up raped and dead in a gutter."

Noelle didn't look up from her phone. "Way to sould callous about rape."

Marshall grit his teeth, fists clenched tight. "No, I'm the one actually taking that shit seriously and bringing up an actual risk."

"I'll sharpen my stakes."

Marshall unclenched his fists and granbed her by her shoulders. He shook his overgrown hair out of his face to look her in the eye.

"Your jawline's looking really defined," Noelle tried, but the flattery was ignored. "Is that stubble I see?"

He huffed out a sigh. "Noelle, I will kill you myself."

"Do it, pussy."

"I don't think you're taking this seriously."

"I'm serious all right." Her shit-eating grin was back. "Seriously about to kick some undead ass."

Marshall drew back his hands, face contorting. "I can't fucking stand you sometimes," he said softly, and turned his back to her. "See you in Hell."

He slammed the bedroom door on his way out. Front door opened and slammed as well. He peeled out of the driveway in his beat-up secondhand car.

Okay. That hurt a bit.

Noelle tried to keep her spirits up. She'd apologize to Marshall after she caught a vamp- serial killer. Caught a serial killer.

People often called Noelle stupid but when she wanted answers, she knew how to get them. When she bothered to actually do her work in school she could always find the cause and effect, the author's purpose, subtext, textual evidence. She got scolded for being mouthy. Teachers said she was far too opinionated when she badmouthed authors and mocked bias in her essays. She was in internal suspension more than the mainstream classroom for arguments with teachers and fights with peers.

Her father joked, with a hint of seriousness, that she was the cause of his receding hairline. Some black people rose to the top and lead social change, but where does having a big mouth usually get a black girl from a poor family? All these police shootings terrified the man and Noelle knew it, but she couldn't stay out of trouble.

He thought she was finally behaving when he caught her pouring over notebooks, scribbling with pencils, using up all their printer ink. His frown lines softened. She was doing her homework, and she was working hard.

In actuality, she was printing up police reports and jotting down the hints, connecting all the detaild. This killer stayed within a small radius and his victims, young women of various races (so racial motivation was crossed out) but tending to be on the smaller side, were all last seen at bars (three specific local ones). And all were seen leaving on their own.

This killer made no attempts to hide their bodies. Two were found in a canal less than a mile away from Marshall's house. One was stuffed into a trashcan missing its lid. One was found behind poor Mrs. Johnson's teashop, and she'd told her young, female employees to stay away for their own safety. One, the most brazen display, was tied to a lamppost on the town's busiest intersection.

All victims were found within a five mile radius.

And the manner of the killing stumped Noelle and detectives alike. Police reports and news articles were vague, almost glossing over it in saying that "throats were torn and copious amounts of blood was lost", but Noelle had managed to find and save some leaked photos before they were taken down.

These women didn't just have their throats slit. Despite Noelle's earlier jokes about vampires, there weren't two neat little punctures; throats were ripped open, skin flapping, jugulars severed and windpipes exposed with multiple points of entry. She reasoned that the weapon must be one designed to grasp at the skin and tear.

She sketched designs for metal claws that attach to the hands, designed to bite into the skin and tear it away when the killer drew his (or her, Noelle Alan was no misogynist) arm back. They would have to attach to the fingers for better flexibility and range of motion and they would need to be relatively short, perhaps protruding only an inch past the finger tips, to have a good grasp. Such a cautious design would be needed to attach well and firmly to the fingers without causing harm to the wearer. Would the blades continue down along the fingers? They must. The intricate joints needed to bend with the fingers.

"This is fucking cool," Noelle breathed, imagining such a weapon on her own hands. Mirror-like silver against brown fingers. She would be a viscous tiger-lady clawing at her enemies and protecting the innocent.

Right. Back to the toxicology reports. While finding blood alcohol levels above 0.05% in what little blood remained in each victim, there was something else. A small amount of some foreign substance but there was more of it than blood after the killer got done with these poor women.

Surely the medical examiner would be able to identify any known toxin or poison, so it was nothing like cyanide or chloroform. Perhaps it was something homemade the killer was lacing his (or her!) weapon with? Or, Noelle thought, perhaps he just didn't clean the weapon in between uses and let it build up enough grime to show in blood?

No, that would not only dull a blade, but a medical examiner would recognize simple dirt and bacteria.

Once a week, usually Monday or Tuesday. Girls always seen leaving after two in the morning, dead before three. Bars the girls came from following no pattern, like the killer was picking which of the three at random. So which one would Noelle go to if she couldn't predict the target?

The killer liked small girls, short of stature and narrow shoulders. Noelle's height fit the bill, but she needed clothes that hid her muscles while allowing enough skin exposure (no turtlenecks).

Her wardrobe: tank tops, tank tops, short-shorts, athletic shorts, more tank tops, pajamas, sports bras, running shoes. Why was her middle school uniform still in there? A momentary distraction while she tried it on and found that while she'd gotten wider, she hadn't grown much vertically since seventh grade.

She had to blow her birthday money from that one rich aunt at Goodwill. A green dress that had a good balance of making her butt look fantastic while still allowing movement. A good dress couldn't help her chest though and she stuffed some tissues in her bra. A-cups, while great for athletics, scarcely got noticed.

A cardigan covered the bulk of her arms (and bra straps) and the dress hid her thighs but showed of her calves. She practiced some kicks and defensive stances in the black kitten heels until the clerk threatened to kick her out. They slipped off easily enough, and were only nine dollars, so she'd just kick them off to fight.

She arived at Uncle Tim's Beer Belly (always pick the one with a funny name) at 1AM. She was only eighteen so she wasn't supposed to be in bars but she discovered that she could get away with it by staying away from the bar, hiding in crowds, and acting casual and confident if the bartender looked her way. She couldn't actually get drunk before a fight but she rubbed whiskey in her armpits, behind her ears, and on her wrists and neck and practiced a drunken shamble to look and smell the part.

Each victim seen leaving around two in the morning. Check, Noelle was out the door by 2:10, feeling so stupid shambling down the road that she couldn't help giggling and sticking her arms out in a zombie impression.

She circled the block for a good hour, and only attracted the attention of some catcallers. At least it was fun to yell back at them.

"I'll suck your dick if you suck mine!" she shouted at one in a red car, and immediately felt guilty. Marshall would punch her in her padded boob if he heard her making jokes at the expense of transwomen.

God, she missed Marshall. He hadn't responded to any of memes she sent him the past few days. She knew he'd disapprove of her activities.

She tried the next night and had no luck again. The only difference was that her dad caught her coming in through the window smelling like a bar and freaked out. That was not fun.

That morning, someone found the body of a young woman who had last been seen leaving The Wench's Tavern. Caitlin Weiss, a girl who graduated when Ne was a junior, and an old friend of Marshall. She was so nice to everyone and gushed about how she was going to be a veterinarian, and instead she was found with her skirt hiked up as her lower half dangled out of a dumpster. Neck torn.

Ander boiled inside Noee. Caitlin didn't deserve that. None of them did!

If only Noelle had guessed the right bar, Caitlin might have made it home.

"Fuck fuck fuck!" Noelle yelled. She had to put duct tape over the hole she accidentally kicked in the wall. Hopefully her dad didn't notice that. She was on thin ice already.

She was back next week, and the week after that. She stuck to the Beer Belly. After all, when you're guessing on a multiple-choice test, you're meant to pick all the same letter. Surely a percentage of those A's will be corrext and you'll fail the test if you alternate answers.

For the first time in her life, she was beginning to lose hope. Would she ever catch this scumbag? But she kept going even as that hope dwindled. She kept going even when Marshall responded after countless texts and only said, "I know what you're doing and I want no part in it."

She owed it to Caitlin, Therese Jenkins, Natalie Hernandez, Jessye Zhao, Katy Smith... She ignored the voice in her head telling her she was doing it out if pride, not the innocent lives lost.

She was having a mental debate when she heard footsteps on week four. Heavy footsteps, like a man. Confident footsteps like he wanted to be heard. She wasn't a girl who feared sharing the sidewalk with men. Maybe it was just a courteous young guy walking loudly to let a woman know he was there and avoid her thinking he was following her.

But she didn't believe that.

She waited until she'd taken four right turns and the footsteps continued. Yep, she was heing followed. She snaked a hand in her bag and whipped out the hairspray bottle, spraying the spicy concoction as she spun around. But the man's face was higher up than she expecyed, and he was wearing sunglasses. At night.

I wear my sunglasses at night

So I can, so I can

Watch you weave-

She pushed the stupid song away and reminded herself this wasn't the time.

In the dim light of the streetlight across the street, she could see...wow, he was tall, and not quite fat but plump and round. He raised his hand and swung it at hers, and there was a crack! even before the cannister hit the ground. She shouted and clutched her hand.

Hands that definitely didn't have metal claws pulled her close, pressing her against his body. She struggled but the hold on her back grew painful.

"You've been looking for me, haven't you?" he asked, voice deep and husky. She could hear the smile in his voice, and grit her teeth.

"You're a sick fuck," she spat. If she could just get her throbbung hand in her bag, if she could move just enough to retrieve her knife...

"I like you, girl," he chuckled.

His hands moved to her shoulders, and with the increased space between them, her hand was able to dart into the bag. Bone fragments ground against each other as her bad hand tightened around the handle, and tears stung her eyes.

The man was suddenly coming down toward her, and he was coming down fast. With a shout, she plunged the knife right in between his ribs just as pain blossomed in her neck.

"Help, I'm being fucking murdered!" she screamed, warmth dripping down her neck and chest. "Fire! Fire!"

A muffled laugh. The creep was amused.

Surely the blood was flowing out, but there was an odd pressure like something going in. It felt like getting an injection at the doctor's office, but the needle at the end of the syringe was actually a bear trap.

Noelle was screaming even after the pain faded to tingly numbness that spread to her limbs, until her vocal cords seized. Her hands fell limply from the handle of the knife still sticking out of his ribcage. The only thing holding her up was his mouth on her neck. She fought to keep her eyes open but everything faded to black.

***

There were lucid moments here and there but it was like watching an old, grainy home video. Long fingers that she couldn't see in the darkness wrenching her jaw open. Something thick and bitter pouring down her throat. The taste remained, sticking to her teeth and mouth and throat. She gagged. Darkness.

Alone on a mattress, sitting back on her ankles, never questioning why she could see with the lights off. A chunk of something was on her tongue. She plucked it out wuth her fingers, one hand still throbbing, and her eyes widened at the little white canine tooth. And then there was another, and then a premolar. Fade to black.

She dreamed of tall, pink men with long fingers and metal claws. She dreamed of her skin ripping open and a skeleton bursting out and flying into the night. She dreamed of teeth: white teeth, yellow teeth, rotted teeth with cavities, square teeth, molars, sharp teeth. Very sharp teeth.

[tripstations]

Japan: the Ultimate Travel Guide

So you’re going to Japan. Cool… take us with you?

At STA Travel, our motto is ‘we know because we go’. Or in my case, we lived there. I’m Jo, and I lived in Japan for just over one year working as an English teacher in a small, mountaintop middle school in Hyogo prefecture. My students and fellow teachers not only taught me how to survive, but also where the best little-known adventure spots were hidden. Now it’s my pleasure to pass on the wisdom so you can be the savviest gaikokujin (foreigner) walking out of the airport.

Besides unwaveringly excellent food, epic history, and colourful traditions, the whole country is practically one giant UNESCO World Heritage Site. As much as we’d love to show you the ropes ourselves, this ultimate travel guide will probably say it better than we can—it’s hard to talk while shovelling tempura into our faces.

  Japan’s highlights

We’d usually give you five here, but we’ve split it out into 25. That’s five for each of the five major tourist spots you can’t miss.

  Tokyo top 5

From forest-enclosed shrines to blaring neon streets, Tokyo has everything. EVERYTHING. Like…

Akihabara – If you’re a total otaku (nerd), the Akihabara district is the biggest anime hub in the world and sells every piece of merch you can dream of. Prepare to be converted into a full-on foodie as restaurants and cafes are elaborately themed into whatever you can, or can’t, imagine. The Mori Art Gallery – Still not funky enough? The Mori Art Gallery has enormous, interactive exhibits and, with a ticket, you get to squeak into one of the city’s best viewpoints and score a selfie with the top of Tokyo tower. Harajuku – The epicentre of teen culture, Takeshita street is an explosion of colourful wigs, J-pop merch and syrupy crepes. Walk 15 minutes into the woods across the street and find the Meiji Jingu Shrine. If the Harajuku Girl look isn’t quite you, go shopping on nearby Cat Street for sleek, luxury brands and killer vintage finds. Shibuya – After joining thousands in crossing the world’s most famous (and busiest) intersection, watch the chaos from above in the Starbucks above Tsutaya or head to one of the thousands of nearby bars or izakayas (snack bars) for a night out. If you love dogs, don’t forget pass the Hachiko Memorial Statue and give that pupper a good pat. Ueno Park – As a traveler, the museums in Ueno Park have the finest artifacts and art works to aid in your understanding of the history of Japan. If you’re more into the pop culture side of things, this landmark is heavily featured in books and movies as a place where love and heartbreak happens. Come spring, the rows of cherry blossom trees are good for the ‘gram.

Also don’t miss: Senso-ji temple, wandering down the endless yokochos (narrow alleys) around the city and Tsukiji Fish Market, for all the noms.

  Mount Fuji top 5

Don your goggles and facemask, and venture up Japan’s iconic summit… or just chill at the bottom of it, gazing in awe.

Climbing up – It’s best to kick off your pilgrimage in the early afternoon, bundle up in a hut overnight, and see why Japan is called The Land of the Rising Sun the next morning. Sure, Fuji sounds daunting, but getting up is the easy part—getting down after your adventure and an intoxicating sunrise is where the challenge lies. Lake Kawaguchi – If the two-day journey doesn’t quite peak your interest, view it from one of five lakes surrounding the mountain. Lake Kawaguchi is the most accessible and popular, flaunting onsens, hotels, and the temple-framed views of Fuji pictured above. Lake Motosuko – If you have an appetite for something a little more remote though, Lake Motosuko’s vistas are clear of buildings save a couple of stand-up paddle board rental shops and campsites. Assuming you’re driving from east to west, the drive past the four other lakes is an additional treat as well, and a strong contender for our favourite of the five lakes. Water sports and rollercoasters – If you like queuing up for ages to see great heights, hop on to one of the rollercoasters at Fuji-Q. This popular theme park is home to the Takabisha, which has the steepest drop in the world at 121°. It’s just like climbing Fuji again, but much, much faster on the trip down. Exploring caves – If rock compositions excite you like this geography nerd, you’re in for an education about volcanic magma, limestone caves, and how three of the Fuji five lakes are actually connected by underwater tunnels. Give Bat Cave, Ice Caves and Wind Cave a go.

  Kyoto top 5

Nearly every Instagram you’ve seen of Japan was probably taken here. Does bamboo forests and rows of bright orange torii gates ring a bell?

Gion – Consider Kyoto the cultural capital, sprawling with kimono-clad visitors scuttling past in the historic alleys of Gion. Your only indication that you weren’t transported to the Edo period will be the dozens of other camera-wielding travelers, all hoping for a glimpse of a  real-life geisha. Fushimi Inari Shrine – You can pose with your back to the camera as you walk through the hundreds of torii gates near the bottom of the mountain, but a complete pilgrimage means slowly winding all the way up the mountain to the final shrine and a wide vista over the whole city. You can even see Osaka from up there on a clear day. Arashiyama – This corner of Kyoto is home to the famous bamboo grove, a monkey park, and pretty incredible gardens. The best teahouses are found at the temples here, though be sure to ask for a chair if sitting on your knees is a challenge. Golden Temple – There are literally hundreds upon hundreds of temples. If you stop to visit every single one you pass, you seriously won’t get very far! Even if it means tying horse blinders to your face, you need to make it to Kinkaku-ji, aka the Golden Temple, at the northern end of Kyoto. It’s the birthplace of so much art and cultural history, and it sparkles brilliantly in the sun. Ryoan-ji’s rock garden – The Ryoan-ji temple neighbours the Golden Temple, but is much more niche. The dry landscape garden here is thought to been built in the late 15th century and no one knows its original creator. Fifteen rocks sit in a position that makes it impossible to view them all from any perspective. Contemplate the implied existential meaning of your existence as you sit quietly on the viewing platform.

  Osaka top 5

There’s no better medicine for getting a little templed out in Kyoto than diving head-first into the neon sprawl of Osaka.

America Mura – This village is a divine mix of chic and bizarre. A rooftop Statue of Liberty will watch over you as you wander from sleek cocktail bars to funky restaurants. The most wholesome delight is hearing people sing their hearts out to karaoke at 7am as you walk back to your hotel after a long night out. Dotonburi – Speaking of a night out, one is incomplete without posing with the Glico man in Dōtonburi—just don’t get too excited and fall into the river. Feel free to pose with the massive dragon, crab, and fish robots that sit above shop doors. To burn off some extra energy, check out Round1/Spocha in the Namba area. This 24-hour sports centre has hundreds of arcade and sports games including a mechanical bull, a roller rink, and those inflatable bubble things you can play human football in. Spa World – Foreigners who live Japan share whispers among themselves of this fantasy waterpark for adults. It’s a hotel with its most attractive features being multiple onsens, waterslides, stone spa and restaurants. You don’t have to stay overnight to bask in Spa World’s relaxing waters. Did we mention it’s open 24-hours? Baseball Game – Here, the locals are known for being a bit more boisterous than their Tokyo counterparts. The best way to witness this is at a Hanshin Tigers baseball game. The team is doing better these days, but there was once believed to be a curse on the team due to a lost statue of the KFC mascot, Colonel Sanders, that was throw into a river. It’s pretty hilarious and you won’t regret looking it up. Stay in a Love Hotel — Japanese people usually live with their family until marriage. So love hotels make big business on couples who are still in the dating stage of things. Even though they charge by the hour, they are still often cheaper than an ordinary hotel. They’re SUPER clean, give you free condoms, have karaoke and video games, and are a general great place to catch an afternoon nap when it’s a long walk back to your hostel.

  Hiroshima

This is a place of peace and mournful tranquility. It’s well worth paying your respects and educating yourself about Japan’s devastating war history.

Peace Memorial Park – This curved monument is engraved with all the names of the known victims of the 1945 atomic bomb. Burning in the pond is the Flame of Peace, which will only be extinguished once all of the nuclear weapons on earth have been destroyed. Atomic Bomb Dome – This building used to be the Industrial Promotion Hall until the bomb exploded directly above it. It was one of very few buildings left standing in the epicentre, and serves as a reminder of the damage that was caused. Hiroshima Peace Memorial Museum – Learn about Hiroshima’s ongoing legacy for peace in this expansive museum. Inside features items found in the aftermath of the bomb, first-person accounts shown on video and a range of photographs. It’s upsetting, but an absolute must-see in Hiroshima. All sites are translated into English and other languages for maximum accessibility. Shukkei-en – This garden was created in 1620, and the buildings were largely destroyed when the bomb fell. However, many trees survived and bloomed the next season. The rest of the garden has long since been restored and is calming to stroll through. Orizuru Tower – This is boasted as the best viewpoint in Hiroshima. It oversees the Peace Memorial Park, the Atomic Bomb Dome as well as the rest of the city and the mountains beyond. It’s a great place to take a break and contemplate everything you’ve learned about Hiroshima.

  Getting around Japan

The JR pass is perhaps the second most important thing you’ll want to bring when going to Japan (your passport obviously being the first). There are some exceptions when it comes to unlimited rail travel, but unless you’re headed to very niche areas of Japan, you should be able to get to every adventure on your list. You can choose to live life on the tracks with one-, two-, or three-week pass options at prices that would drive locals to jealousy:

7 days — ¥29,110/ £212 14 days — ¥46,390/ £338 21 days — ¥59,350/ £433

Fikri Rasyid, Unsplash

You’ll need to buy your pass online BEFORE arriving in Japan. When you purchase your pass online, you may to arrange your exchange order to be delivered to either your home or your hotel in Japan. An exchange order is not your JR pass though! You must then go to any JR Exchange Office in Japan with your exchange order to finally possess your coveted pass.

Guard you JR pass with your life — it’s irreplaceable, so you’re out of luck if you lose it. To arrange your actual train journeys, visit the JR offices at each major station as you go along your trip. You should generally be fine to simply show up to the station on the day you want to travel, but you should probably book at least a few days ahead if you’re traveling during hanami (cherry blossom season) or Golden Week. Seriously, Japanese people book their travel about six months in advance for these times.

An IC card (also known as the Suica card inside Tokyo) is going to be your best friend when gallivanting within the cities. You simply tap on and off the metro and busses like you would an Oyster card. Each region has its own adorable IC card name and mascot. Can you catch them all?

Move over CityMapper, and hello HyperDia. This goddess of an app comes in English and has the latest train times, prices, connections, and platform numbers of each journey. You’ll never be late or get lost if you pledge your undying love for HyperDia. Seriously though, Google Maps is drunk in Japan. Don’t trust it.

  Accommodation in Japan and how to book

Hotels and hostels can be perused and booked online as you would in any other country – start searching now. Whether you’re up for flopping on a futon or crave the comforts of home with a western-style bed, you’ll find a huge variety of rooms that will match your style and budget. Such as…

Capsule hotels – These efficient little pods are made for you to rock up and flop inside, and are a classic ‘Japan’ experience for a lot of travelers. Often the most budget friendly, they offer shared showering facilities and individual phone chargers, radios and mini TVs in each capsule. Every place you’ll stay is almost guaranteed to be extremely clean, even if it’s not rated 10/10.

Ryokan are traditional Japanese inns that are usually run by families. Lounge in a yukata robe and, soak each evening in a traditional onsen (hot tub), and be sure to opt for a traditional evening meal or breakfast cooked by the ryokan’s chef. After your knees are sore from kneeling on the tatami floor, slip under the warm sheets of a futon. These indie spots used to be tricky to find if you didn’t speak Japanese, but fear not! We’ve got you covered with our booking page right here.

Love hotels, most commonly found in the Roppongi and Shinjuku areas of Tokyo, are… well, exactly what they say on the tin, so you might want to approach with care. Japanese couples can pay by the hour to use their facilities, making for their seedy reputation. But if you do your research, you can find thoroughly clean and amazing-value rooms, filled with everything from revolving beds, to karaoke machines and futuristic-themed hot tubs. F-U-N.

We hate to break it to you, but Airbnb is unfortunately not your friend in Japan. Due to new regulations being enforced in the last few years, the number of Airbnbs listings have dramatically dropped. Some can still be booked, but your host will likely give you instructions to not tell their neighbours you are guests from the site. It’s okay though—our lips are sealed.

  How much should I budget?

Depending on how much yen you have in your coin purse, your typical night in Japan will probably look like one of these.

On the cheap: Start the night by bagging a selection of ready-to-eat yakitori, croquettes, or sushi from a convenience store such as Lawson, FamilyMart or 7-Eleven (¥600/$5.50). While at said store, stock up on the miracle elixir known as Strong Zero (¥160/$1.25!) — careful though… don’t take that 9% alcohol lightly. Finish up the evening in a hostel (¥3,000/$26) that looks just like a European hostel, only it’s ridiculously tidy.

Like a local: Pop into the local izakaya (a Japanese pub) and order a pint of Asahi beer (¥300/$2.50) and munch on an insane variety of vegetables and fried meats also known as kushi katsu. (¥1,500/ £11). You can opt for an ordinary hotel, (¥5,000/$46) or you can discover first-hand that love hotels are surprisingly cheaper and much more entertaining (¥3,500/$30).

Luxury: Indulge on the finer things in life and incite wild envy in your Instagram followers. Take more time photographing your multi-course artisanal dinner than actually eating it (¥4,000/$37), and ask the server what sake pairs best (¥900/$8). Prance off to your ryokan to retire, and make sure you pick one with an onsen (¥8,000/$75).

  Top 10 Japanese phrases you need to learn

Do you speak English?: Eigo ga wakarimasu ka?

Sorry, I don’t understand: Gomenasai! Wakarimasen.

Good morning — Good day: Ohayo Gozaimasu — Konnichi wa.

Excuse me/Sorry: Sumimasen.

Where is the washroom?: Toire wa doko desu ka?

I would like that one please: Kore wa kudasai. (Be sure to point to something when you say this!)

Is this/are you okay?: Daijoubu desu ka?

It’s okay (useful when declining things/No thank you): Daijoubu desu.

Is there a bin I can use?: Gomi ga arimasu ka?

Thank you!: Arigato gozaimasu.

  Food

You’ll never have a bad meal in Japan. People here never half-ass anything, and it shows in their painstakingly perfected food creations.

In big cities, you’ll be able to find an array of international cuisine that has affectionately been transformed with a Japanese twist (for example, pizza with corn as a topping). Western-style vegetarian and vegan eateries can also be found if you know where to go. Outside of big cities, you’ll find six Japanese staples reign supreme: Sushi, Japanese Italian, Japanese curry, okonomiyaki, yakitori (grilled chicken), and ramen.

Be sure to also check out a convenience store and suss out the seasonal flavours of KitKats and other sweets. While your friends and fam are pretty much expecting you to bring them back a handful of matcha-flavoured Kit Kats, also try out the crème brulee, chocobanana, blueberry cheese cake and… baked potato(??!) flavoured ones.

  Can you taste Tokyo in your mouth yet?! Check out our Japan destination hub, where you can find flights and heaps of adventure tours.

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