#why did they deprive us of old men yaoi

[hitrone]

the original ending of beyond re-animator

[yellowcanna]

The ZhongXiao Alliance

Summary:

“You requested the bard to get you porn?” Diluc questioned with a skeptical look on his face.

“No!” Aether shouted, waving his hands frantically in front of him. “It’s for…for Paimon!”

“WHAT?!” Paimon screamed off the top of her lungs before spinning around to see the pair of crimson eyes narrowing at her while the blue one twinkled with amusement.

"So he says." Kaeya gestured to the Honourary Knight.

“No! Paimon would never read these kinds of things! It’s adeptus Xiao!!”

“An adeptus from Liyue want you two to get porn?” The disbelief in the tavern owner’s voice was clear.

“This is all for Morax’s sake!” Venti pipped up from behind Aether, as if that would make the situation any better.

“Oh? Morax?” The Cavalry Captain raised a brow. "So it is the Geo Archon that wanted the porn?”

Aether buried his face into his hands. He should have never taken up on Xiao's request. No, before that, he shouldn't have taken Zhongli's request.

This whole mess started when Zhongli confessed to Xiao in the wrong order, starting with sex.

Now, it's up to one traveller, one emergency food, and one bard to make things right...by getting Xiao a guide to sexual intercourse.

Rating: 18+

Genre: Mutual pining, comedy, miscommunication, romantic fluff, smut, yaoi

Pairing: Main Zhongli/Xiao, side Aether/Venti, hint of Kaeya/Diluc and Xingqiu/Chongyun

Story type: Multi-chapter

Beta’d by: Amberowl123

中文 Chinese Translation available by: Yejet

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Available on AO3!!

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    CHAPTER 2 - ZhongXiao Alliance, Book!

  “Eleven…twelve…thirteen…” Aether counted, carefully plucking the Cecilias and adding them to the basket in his hand.

“Aether! I got five more!” Paimon waved, flying back with an armful of Cecilias.

“Thanks, Paimon!” Aether smiled, plucking two more Cecilias while Paimon added her flowers into the basket. “Perfect, that’s all the flowers!”

“Great! Let’s go back to Mondstadt! Maybe the tone-deaf bard got the thing already!”

“You’re pretty optimistic about that.” The blond raised a brow at her.

“Well…as long as it’s not us who need to find it! That tone-deaf bard seems oddly familiar with these things, don’t you think?”

Aether couldn’t argue Paimon there. Venti was strangely at ease—confident even—when he told them he’d get them the porn. Though Venti was over two thousand years old, and so was Xiao. Perhaps it was due to their long lifespan that they no longer feel embarrassed over things like that?

When the blond thought of it that way, he found himself to be quite immature. If he thought over a bit more, the book was—as Xiao had said—study materials, right? Maybe he and Paimon were the ones over exaggerating and over complicating things.

With that mindset, Aether and Paimon left Starsnatch Cliff. The journey back to Mondstadt took about two hours. By the time they arrived, the sun had already set and the city was quiet compared to the lively nights at Liyue Harbour.

The two headed straight for Angel’s Share where there were already customers seated around on the tables outside, gulping down their drinks. The blond and Paimon greeted some familiar faces before grabbing the door handle and stepping inside the tavern Venti had told them to meet him at.

The first thing the two were greeted with was the sight of Diluc’s irritated face, Kaeya’s amused look, and Venti who was grinning from ear to ear.

“Aha! You see? I’m not lying!” Venti announced, pointing towards Aether who was frozen at the doorway. The blond wondered if it was too late to close the door and pretended that he was never here.

“What’s going on?” Paimon asked, looking between the two men and the archon.

“You’ve joined us at the right time,” Kaeya waved his hand lightly for them to come over.

Having no choice, Aether walked over to them despite his instincts screaming at him to leave. “What happened?” He asked and he swore he saw Diluc’s brows twitched.

What in the world did Venti do this time?

Venti, receiving Aether’s questioning look, shrugged. “Well, Master Diluc, Sir Kaeya and I were just talking about… aesthetics.”

“We were discussing your questionable performance,” Diluc corrected. Even though his voice was even, Aether could tell the man was this close to tossing the bard outside.

“What part of my performance was questionable?” Venti argued back, clearly seeing no wrong in whatever he did. Worried a fight might break out, Aether hurried to step between them.

“The part where you requested the customers to pay you with porn.”

The blond tripped over his feet, his face smashing against the hard wooden floor and his body drawing a line between Venti and Diluc.

“Aether! Are you alright?” Paimon flew over to Aether who had a hand over his reddened nose.

“Hey, I was doing our Honorary Knight a favour! You wouldn’t want to deprive Mondstadt’s saviour his needs, would you?”

Both Diluc and Kaeya looked down at Aether—crimson and blue eyes staring at him skeptically.

“You requested the bard get you porn?” Diluc questioned with an unreadable look on his face.

“No!” Aether shouted, bouncing back onto his feet at the accusation while waving his hands frantically in front of him. “Well, I mean, yes, I did ask, but it’s not for me!”

“Then who is it?” Kaeya inquired with one hand resting on his hip.

The blond’s brain was a mess as he tried to think of what to say. There was no way he could tell them that it was Xiao who wanted the book! He was an adeptus, after all. He also couldn’t say it was for a friend since that would sound like a poor excuse! “It’s for…for Paimon!”

“WHAT?!!” Paimon shouted off the top of her lungs before spinning around to see Diluc raising a brow at her while Kaeya let out a small hum.

“I must say, I would never have expected that from you,” the knight commented with an odd smile on his lips.

“No! It’s not for Paimon!” Paimon shrieked. “Paimon would never read these kinds of things! It’s for Adeptus Xiao!!”

Aether covered his hands over his face, unable to watch the mess unfold.

“An adeptus from Liyue wanted you two to get porn?” The disbelief in Diluc’s voice was clear.

“This is all for Morax’s sake!” Venti piped up from behind Aether, as though that would make the situation any better.

“Morax?” Diluc frowned. “Didn’t the Geo Archon die?”

“Uh…!” Both Aether and Paimon paled.

“Are you suggesting that not only is the Geo Archon not dead, he asked you to get porn?” Kaeya pushed on.

“I…!” Aether looked between the two men, feeling completely trapped with no way out.

“This isn’t the place to talk,” Diluc gestured for them to follow and brought them to the basement where they stored the wine. He shot more than a couple of nasty glares when Venti’s hands wandered too close to some of the wine.

Once they were inside one of the storage rooms, Diluc slammed the door shut and turned to Aether with his arms crossed over his chest. “Explain.”

Having, no choice, Aether began to explain the mess they were dragged into—including the fact that the Geo Archon was very much alive. The blond knew he could trust both Kaeya and Diluc to keep it a secret…perhaps that was also why Venti casually revealed the Geo Archon being alive.

“So Rex Lapis is alive and he has fallen in love with one of the immortals of Liyue,” Kaeya muttered after hearing the full story. “Most interesting indeed.”

“And that adeptus requested you bring…research materials.” Diluc pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a quiet sigh. While he fully understood the situation, he didn’t look any happier than when Aether first saw him.

“Now that we've gotten this misunderstanding out of the way, can I get my books back?” Venti asked with his hands on his hips.

“So…what exactly happened?” Paimon asked again.

“As usual, the audiences loved performances and kindly gifted me their valuable collections, but they were all confiscated by Master Diluc here.”

“You should be glad I didn’t kick you out of the tavern.” Diluc retorted.

“Wait, so you really did get a book?!” Paimon turned to Venti in shock.

“Of course! I did promise I’ll help you guys find one, didn’t I?” Venti bragged and looked back to Diluc.

“What about Kaeya?” Aether turned to the Cavalry Captain. “Why were you here?”

“As one of the Knights of Favonius, it is my duty to oversee regulations. I can’t turn a blind eye to shady dealings now, can I?” Kaeya shrugged.

“How was any of that shady?!” Venti gasped in genuine shock.

“Even if you are lord Barbatos, there are still laws you have to follow.”

“Surely a book or two isn’t that big of a deal!”

“You are correct. A book or two is not a big deal, but…” Kaeya trailed off, his eye shifting to Diluc. Diluc spared a small glimpse at Kaeya before sharply turning away. He looked a little irritated, but stepped out of the storage room and returned a minute later carrying a large bundle wrapped in a tablecloth.

The moment the redhead set the bundle onto the floor, the cloth unwrapped, revealing stacks after stacks of books.

“Don’t tell me—!!” Aether’s jaw fell open at the mountain of porn.

“Did you rob the entire city?!” Paimon shouted.

“Of course not! These were all gifted to me by my faithful fans!”

“So now you see.” Kaeya bent down, picking up a blank cover book and waved it at Aether. “When a large quantity of these suddenly turned up at a tavern, that is something a knight cannot ignore.”

“We’re very sorry!” Aether apologized immediately. He was never so glad that it was Kaeya who caught Venti and not Jean, Lisa or Amber. Aether would never be able to face them again if they were to find out.

“Morax’s happiness is on the line here! Can’t you cut us some slack?” Venti tried to bargain.

“You say that you only need one book, didn’t you?” Diluc finally spoke up. “Take one and return the rest to wherever they came from. That should be fine, shouldn’t it, Knight of Favonius?”

“Certainly,” Kaeya easily agreed.

“Thank you so much, Diluc! Kaeya!” Aether and Paimon cheered while Venti looked disappointed.

“Aww, I have to give all of these back?” He looked at them with teary eyes.

“Were you planning on doing anything with them?” Diluc’s sharp gaze was immediately locked onto the Anemo god.

“Of course not!” Venti laughed before glancing down at the pile of books, then to Aether. “So…which one shall we take?”

“Wouldn’t any one of them work?” Aether asked in confusion.

“Hmm, take this for example!” Venti held out two books. “One is about a woman and a man, while the other is about two men. Which one does Xiao need?”

“O-of course it’s…!!” Aether stammered, taking a look at Diluc and Kaeya before quickly hissing out the last part. “That second one!”

“Then does he want a book with words, or pictures?”

“Huh?”

“Are there any specific positions they want to do it in?”

“T-that’s—!!”

“And what kind of kinks do they—”

“Just something educational!” Aether frantically shouted to stop Venti from talking. He felt like he was going to die from embarrassment at this rate.

When he turned to look at the other two men, he saw Diluc with one hand covering his face while Kaeya was smiling weirdly at him.

Someone let him die.

“Guess we have no choice but to look through them all!”

“How did you reach that conclusion?!” Aether’s shout was so high that his voice ended up cracking.

At this point, Diluc had finally had enough and headed for the door.

“Oh? Are you not going to help our Honorary Knight with his troubles?” Kaeya watched the Pyro user open the door.

“Unlike someone who has too much time on their hands, I have a business to run,” the redhead stated before disappearing into the hallway. The knight chuckled and followed after Diluc. On his way out, the knight grabbed Paimon by her scarf, plucking her off the air and bringing her with him.

“Hey!!” Paimon shouted, kicking and throwing her arms around, but her limbs were too short to reach the man.

“It would be best if you wait for them upstairs. Seems like they will take a while,” Kaeya said, giving the blond a wink and closed the door behind him.

Aether was blushing hard, but Venti was already ushering for him to sit down so they could start looking through the books together.

“Hey Aether, look at this one!” Venti cheerfully opened one of the illustrated Inazuma scrolls right in his face, giving the boy a clear picture of the indecent act being performed…with an octopus.

Aether had to use all of his will power not to scream.

Why was there an octopus?!

“It got an octopus in it!”

“I can see that?! You don’t need to show it to me!!” Aether cried, swatting the scroll away from his face.

“You have such a pure-hearted~” Venti giggled, rolling up the scroll and setting it aside. “Alright, I won’t tease you anymore. Let’s start looking for something you can give to Xiao.”

Aether nodded, still red in the face as he picked up the book closest to him. Since all of these covers were blank, it was hard to tell the contents without looking inside. The moment Aether opened the book, he immediately regretted it as it was a picture book.

Golden eyes rounded upon the sight of a man lying on the bed, his head thrown back with his mouth opened and eyes closed. The look on his face could only be described as ecstasy with spurts of white splattered over his body. With his legs pulled apart, Aether was given a clear view of another man’s appendage, going into the...

The blond frantically snapped the book shut, but the image was already engraved into his brain…

“There’s surprisingly a lot of novels here. Well, then again it might be not so surprising. Some nations have strict rules on the picture ones. This would be good since words can go into details of how it’s done!” Venti mumbled while scavenging through the books and oblivious to Aether’s inner terror.

“We should pick out the ones with males only and put them into a pile!”

“Uwah, this one is a bit extreme, but hey, surely that brute would be into it!”

“Hilichurl? Huh, people sure are imaginative these days.”

“Woah, a Regisvines? Wouldn’t you freeze to death? Wait…did Regisvines have tentacles like these? Oh, they’re roots…?”

“Hmm, as I thought, there’s not too many with only males—oh! Hey Aether! Look at this! This one’s from Fontaine!”

“Aha, here’s another one! Come now Aether, help me out here!”

“Aether? Are you listening?”

“Aether?”

“Aether!”

…They found a book thirteen hours later.

✧✦✧✦✧✦✧✦✧

“Are you sure you guys were finding a book and not gone off to fight monsters?” Paimon asked, hovering over Aether who was lying in the carriage with a folded cloth shielding his eyes from the morning light.

“Ehe, don’t mind him!” Venti smiled. “He’ll be fine after getting some sleep.”

“You two sure took your time! Paimon fell asleep waiting for you!”

“There were too many things to sort through. Besides,” the archon gestured to the carriage they were in. “If we didn’t take an entire night, how would we be able to hitch a ride on the Dawn Winery shipping cart that is heading to Liyue?”

“Why are you so proud when it’s Master Diluc who gave us the ride?” Paimon huffed before looking down at the book the two had taken an entire night to choose. Judging by the hardcover and the form of the book, it originated from Mondstadt. Since there wasn’t anything on the front or the back of the book, Paimon couldn’t tell what kind of content was inside.

“Soooo…” She looked up at Venti with a sly grin. “What book did you guys choose in the end?”

“Hmm, I would advise against reading it. It’s not something for the faint of heart~” Venti winked and began playing music on his lyre. Paimon puffed, but she floated down, sitting in the corner of the carriage and listened to the archon’s music.

The journey back to Liyue was peaceful. Even when there were nearby monster attacks, Diluc’s men were able to fend them off so there was no need for Venti or Aether to intervene. Because the Dawn Winery carriage was heading towards Qingce village, the three had to get off around Stone Gate and walk the rest of the way to Guili Plains.

This time, there was no need for Aether to call for Xiao. The moment they arrived at their destination, Xiao appeared in a flicker of green light.

“Lord Barbatos,” he greeted politely, nodding his head towards the Anemo Archon.

Aether and Paimon stared at Xiao, then to Venti who puffed out his chest with pride. Sometimes, they both forget that Barbatos was a huge deal due to the archon’s behaviour and the little respect the bard named Venti gets in Mondstadt…

“It’s been a long time, Xiao! Almost a millennia, I believe?” Venti greeted.

“Yes,” Xiao responded curtly. “What brought you to Liyue?”

“I ran into our dear traveller here back in Mondstadt and heard about Morax’s proposal to you, so I decided to come along!”

“I see.” The adeptus glanced to Aether. “I trust you’ve brought the items?”

“Yes, here they are.” Aether handed over the basket of Cecilias and the book.

“What are you planning on doing with those Cecilias?” Venti asked curiously.

“They are for the Cleansing pills.”

“Cleansing pills? What’s that?” Paimon inquired.

“Adepti do not indulge themselves in mortal desires,” Venti explained for the pair. “Stuff like alcohol, gambling, food, baths…things human usually need or do for pleasure! While older adepti don’t need to eat because their power is strong enough to sustain themselves, the same can’t be said for the younger ones. To prevent them from having worldly desires or cravings for things they shouldn’t, they created all kinds of special pills for convenience—like pills for hunger, pills for meditations and so on. The Cleansing pills are for when they want to wash their body. Toss one into the bathtub, dip in a viola! You’ll be clean and refreshed in no time! Pretty handy when you’re suffering from a hangover!”

“Wait, you mean they don’t need to eat at all? But Adeptus Xiao ate!” Paimon pointed at Xiao who crossed his arms over his chest and shifted his weight to his right foot.

“Eating is but a choice for us,” he said before narrowing his eyes at the wind god disapprovingly. “The Cleansing pill purifies the body and soul. It is not to be used to consume more alcohol.”

“You say the same thing as Morax,” Venti groaned. “But if I remember correctly, isn’t the Cleansing pill made with the herbs in Liyue? Why do you need Cecilias?”

“Many herbs have been lost in the flow of time and the changes within the formation of land,” Xiao replied rather patiently, to both Aether and Paimon’s surprise. “Madame Ping has informed me that the properties of Cecilia are similar to the herb I am missing.”

“Ah, Madame Ping! I haven’t seen her since I’ve last visited Liyue Harbour!” Venti nodded.

“If you’ll excuse me, I will take my leave.”

“Hey now! It’s been so long since we last spoke! Don’t be so eager to leave!” Venti hurriedly blocked Xiao’s path. “Even if you read that book, would you even know what you need to do?”

That made Xiao stop. For the first time, his emotionless mask cracked, revealing a lost look on his face as he stared at the book inside the basket of flowers.

“On the other hand, Aether and I had learned quite a lot! I’m sure we can help you with your studies!”

Aether’s head immediately snapped to Venti in disbelief. He opened his mouth to object, but Xiao beat him to it.

“I will humbly take you on your offer, lord Barbatos.”

“Wait, Adeptus Xiao, let’s not—”

“Perfect! In exchange, give us some of your Cleansing pills! Surely you’ll have extras once you are done!”

“I will only require a few. You may have the rest once I’ve refined them,” Xiao swiftly agreed.

“Wait—!”

With that, Aether was dragged away to Wangshu Inn by Venti with Xiao walking at the front and Paimon trailing behind. When the boss of Wangshu Inn saw the green-haired adeptus, she quickly organized the most luxurious room for them.

That was how Aether found himself locked within the room with one adeptus, one archon and one book between them. Paimon had slipped away at some point, no doubt stuffing her belly with food right now.

Aether was sitting there nervously, watching Xiao open the book to reveal the fine texts printed over the white pages. In the end, Aether and Venti picked out an erotic novel instead of illustrated ones. The blond had feared that the picture books would be too…too graphic for the adeptus to handle. At the very least, he couldn’t handle it, so they chose a novel instead with milder tastes.

“Start over here,” Venti told Xiao, flipping to the middle of the book where there was a red bookmark.

Xiao didn’t ask any questions and read from there. With the way those bright yellow eyes narrowed seriously and that pale hand covering his chin and mouth, Aether would think he was trying to decipher some sort of code rather than reading a sex scene.

“This doesn’t make sense,” Xiao said after only looking through the first page. “Why must you prepare the other person?”

“It’s called stretching! It’s so the person who tops could enter the person who bottoms easier!” Venti replied lightly.

“It’s muscles,” the adeptus deadpanned. “It should be the same if you relax.”

“Well, I suppose that makes sense, but it would be bad if anything tears, right?”

“Such insignificant wounds are hardly anything to mention.”

“But wouldn’t Morax mind even if there is a tiny bit of injury? He might feel responsible, you know?”

Xiao’s brow twitched, but he didn’t say anything about that anymore and moved to the next topic he couldn’t understand.

“What of this oil? What is the purpose of this?”

“It’s so your lord could go in easier and let him feel good, of course!”

Xiao nodded and went on to the next one.

Aether buried his face into his hands. After that first question, Venti has mastered the art of explaining things to Xiao—by telling him that everything was for Zhongli’s sake and how it could benefit Zhongli.

“Positions are an important part of sex!! You should let Morax see your face when you guys do it!”

“Why is that?”

“Well, surely he would want to know whether or not you are feeling good?”

“My pleasure matters not.”

“But it will to Morax! His pride will be hurt if you don’t feel good! That’s the same as saying he's bad lay!”

“A bad what?”

“It means you think he’s impotent~”

“…!!”

Aether’s golden eyes shifted to Xiao who looked as though he had swallowed a whole Electro slime, then to Venti who was smiling way too brightly than he should in such a situation. It was obvious that the archon was enjoying this way too much and Xiao was too clueless to see it.

The blond weighed the pros and cons of intervening before deciding to keep his mouth shut. While Aether never had any sexual experiences, reading porn and erotic novels for thirteen hours straight gave him some…insight to things. Even if Venti was seemingly playing around with Xiao, the Anemo Archon was in fact giving Xiao the best advice that could bring him and Zhongli closer together.

“There are also techniques you must master! You also need to know what Morax’s kinks are.”

“…Kinks?” Xiao frowned, clearly not understanding the definition of the word.

Aether’s mouth fell open, gawking at Venti like he had grown a second head.

And so, Venti began a list of every kink that was possible to mankind. Some of which Aether saw in the stacks of porn, but most he never even heard of and was certain the god was making this up as he went!

By the end of Venti’s long rambling, Aether’s jaw was pretty much touching the floor and Xiao…

Xiao was shaking with long bangs falling over his face. With his head dipped low, the blond couldn’t see what expression he has right now.

“I have no idea…that this requires so much skill…!!” Xiao whispered before promptly getting up. “I must request my lord to reconsider. As I am now, I can’t possibly be his partner.”

“Wait! Wait, Adeptus Xiao!” Aether jumped up—or at least, he tried. Distracted by Venti’s rambling, he didn’t even realize how numb his legs were and he ended up smacking into the floor with his hands grabbing onto Xiao’s ankle.

It was a good thing Xiao had stopped when he called out, otherwise Aether can’t imagine what would become of him if he made the adeptus fall flat on his face.

“You haven’t finished the book yet! Why don’t you look through the book first?”

Xiao considered the traveller’s words for a moment before he sat back down and picked up the book once more. Aether secretly let out a small breath of relief before shooting the god an accusing look. Venti responded with a guilty smile while scratching the back of his head, knowing he went overboard. Although the bard didn’t think he was wrong. Who knew what sort of weird kinks that old grandpa would develop after over two thousand years of yearning?

Now that he wasn’t asking questions every other sentence he encountered, Xiao’s reading speed increased a lot. In no time at all, he finished the sex scene and the milder contents inside calmed him greatly.

“I’m sure all those—erm, kinks that Venti mentioned don’t apply to Zhongli.” Aether made sure to shoot another look at Venti. “At least, I don’t think he would want to be tied up and lick your feet or make you lick his feet.”

“I have no issue if my lord asks me to lick his feet,” the Yaksha responded with absolute seriousness. “It’s…I cannot imagine making…making him…” The thought was so terrifying to Xiao that he couldn’t even finish the sentence.

“No, they are equally bad!” Aether wanted to crack open the adeptus’ skull to see what was inside that head of his!! In fact, he also wanted to crack open Venti’s! What in the world was the archon thinking trying to stuff these ideas to Xiao knowing he’ll take them seriously?!

“Calm down, Aether. You’re gonna burst a vein,” Venti laughed and Aether briefly entertained himself with the idea of throwing Wei—the stray cat at the front counter—at the cat-allergic god.

He can’t rely on Venti anymore, so he needed to do this by himself.

“Adeptus Xiao, has Zhongli ever given you anything?”

“The medicine you delivered to me was from him, was it not?” Xiao asked back.

“Well, yeah, but has he given anything that was…infused with his power?”

“…He has.”

“What was it?!” Aether’s reaction was a bit over the top, but he couldn’t help it. With so many things going on, he felt like he was going to die from a headache if he didn’t get one thing sorted out.

Instead of replying, Xiao held out his hand and his weapon materialized within his palm.

This was the first time Aether has seen Xiao's weapon, yet the moment he laid eyes upon it, he found himself thinking how there was no weapon in this world better suited for Xiao than this. The spear in Xiao's hand was by far the most beautiful spear Aether has ever seen. The weapon had an elegant emerald body with the bright green spearhead crafted from the finest jade. There were fix smaller jades—three on each side—spreading out like wings. Even without touching it, the blond could feel power radiating from the weapon much like its wielder.

“Ah, the Primordial Jade Winged-Spear!” Venti immediately recognized the weapon. He then turned to the clueless blond and explained, “it’s a weapon Morax made for Xiao. During the archon war, there was not a single god who did not know of Xiao and the spear he wielded. This close up, I can certainly feel Morax’s energy flowing within.”

“Aside from this, was there anything else Zhongli had given you?” Aether asked. A very bad feeling was creeping up on him, but he didn’t want to believe it…

“No,” the adeptus replied with absolute certainty, crushing what little hope Aether had left.

The last bit of energy left the blond, but he slammed his palms into the floor, stubbornly hanging onto his sanity.

One mystery was now solved.

The gift Zhongli mentioned…it was definitely this Primordial Jade Winged-Spear.

The courting gift Zhongli had given Xiao was a weapon…and of all times he gave it to him, it had to be during a war?!

How could anyone not misunderstand?!

“T-then did Zhongli say anything when he gave that to you?” Aether asked in his last attempt of struggle.

“He said he hoped I would accept,” Xiao’s gaze was distant as he remembered the past. “That was the day, I devoted myself to serving him.”

THUD

“…What are you doing?” Xiao frowned at the human lying on the floor.

“Eh…his legs must be numbed. Humans tend to have this issue when they sit too long, don’t mind him!” Venti waved and picked up the erotic novel. “Let’s continue!”

Xiao nodded and the two went back to discussing the book, ignoring the worldly-outlander slowly withering away on the floor.

✧✦✧✦✧✦✧✦✧

“Hold on…you’re saying that the gift Zhongli gave Adeptus Xiao was his weapon and when he said he hoped Adeptus Xiao would accept…Adeptus Xiao misunderstood it as Zhongli asking if he would serve under him?!”

Aether hid his face behind his hands. Hearing Paimon repeated everything in his head out loud made the situation even more ridiculous.

After getting down the basics of how intercourse works, Xiao needed to work on making the Cleansing pills and left the inn, telling them to come back after three days to give them their portion of the pills.

So now they were back at Liyue Harbour, strolling around the streets since the last time Venti visited Liyue was centuries ago. The archon was running around the street, taking in the sights of the city while Aether explained the situation to Paimon.

“As I thought, this is all Morax’s fault,” Venti sighed all too happily, coming back with a steam bun in hand. “I figured that blundering buffoon couldn’t do a proper confession, but to think it would be to this extent.”

“Where did you get that steam bun?” Paimon asked, knowing full well the archon had no Mora on him.

“The old lady at the stall was nice enough to give me one after listening to one of my stories!” Venti took a bite into the hot bun and let out a satisfied hum. “Hmm! It’s been so long since I’ve tasted Liyue’s delicacies.”

Seeing the joy on the god’s face, Aether couldn’t help but smile and said, “let’s go to Wanmin Restaurant. We can talk while we eat there.”

“Now you’re talking Paimon’s language!” Paimon cheered. “Maybe Xiangling would be there!”

“Oho, I have heard of the name Xiangling. She is quite famous!” Venti nodded, taking another bite of his bun. “Ah, by the way…does this restaurant have any alcohol?”

“I’m sure they do, but…” Aether wanted to point out how none of them looked to be of legal drinking age, but Venti waved him off.

“Come on, you need to learn to live a little or you’ll end up becoming one of those block of rocks that can’t—”

“Oh? That can’t what?” A deep voice came from behind them, causing Venti to turn into the very stone he was mocking.

“Zhongli!” Aether turned to see Zhongli standing behind them with his arms crossed over his chest and those Cor Lapis coloured eyes glaring down at a certain archon.

“Aah, if it isn’t my dear old friend!!” Venti’s tune immediately changed as he spun on his heels and greeted his old friend. “I heard you’re going by the name of Zhongli now, yes? How is the life of retirement fairing for you?”

“How about we talk somewhere less conspicuous?” Zhongli suggested, though he wasn’t talking to Venti, but at Aether and Paimon.

They ended up booking a private room at the Liuli Pavilion with Venti and Zhongli listing out their orders to the waitress. Aether could already hear the sound of Mora leaving his wallet because there was no way these two broke gods would be able to afford any of it.

Once their meals were brought up, the waitresses closed the door on their way out, giving them full privacy. Finally, Aether found the opportunity to speak. He decided to start by telling Zhongli about Xiao asking for him to wait a week—or if he was to count the days that were already lost, to wait for five more days.

“I see,” Zhongli said with a small smile on his lips. “You have my thanks.”

“No, we uh, still haven’t figured out what he likes yet,” Aether said guiltily. To be honest, he had completely forgotten about that part with the porn and everything else going on.

“Wouldn’t anything be fine? That child is blindly devoted to you,” Venti chipped in from the sideline, but was ignored by Zhongli completely.

“It’s alright if you cannot find out. I know that it is difficult to get him to talk about himself.” Zhongli said with a soft sigh. “I have tried in the past, but he never gives me his opinion and only agrees with everything I say…”

“So that’s why you wanted us to ask!” Paimon gasped, finally understanding.

“What did I say? Blind devotion,” Venti lamented.

It was then that Zhongli finally spared some of his time to the other god. “Barbatos, why are you here?”

“Can’t I visit an old friend?” The Anemo Archon blinked those large, forest green eyes innocently.

“Venti was helping us gather some materials for Adeptus Xiao.” Aether quickly explained, not wanting Zhongli to think Venti was here to meddle.

“Materials?”

“Your little Xiao is refining some Cleansing pills so he asked our dear friend here to get some from Mondstadt.”

“Then he must have needed the Cecilias,” Zhongli nodded in understanding. “I should have told him I have already prepared the Cleansing pills. That is an oversight on my part.”

“He just started. We can tell him that you already have it prepared?” Aether offered.

“No, that’s alright.” Zhongli shook his head lightly. “I am happy that Xiao is taking the initiative. Traditionally, it is the one that proposed the courting be responsible for the preparations.”

That’s because he had no idea he was being courted—Aether wanted to say, but held himself back.

“What kind of preparations?” Paimon questioned with a tilt of her head.

“You know how male birds attract female birds by being pretty and all?” Venti cut in when Zhongli parted his lips to respond. “They must also build a nest and prepare the food. If the female likes the home they made, they stay with the male!”

“Barbatos,” Zhongli’s tone dropped and he glared at the other god. “Do not compare the courtship of adepti to that of animals.”

“Aren’t you all closer to animals than humans anyway? And besides, Xiao’s technically a bird.”

“Comparing Xiao to a bird is a grave insult. You say this knowing I am in the middle of courtship with him. Are you testing my patience?”

“I would never! I simply thought our friends here would understand better if I explain it that way!” Venti countered.

“Do not believe in this bard’s nonsense,” Zhongli said to Aether and Paimon. “The act of intimacy is important within our courting traditions. It is the first exchange of our adeptial powers, one cannot take it lightly. Therefore, it must be located in a place where we cannot be disturbed.”

“So…like a vacation home?” Paimon summarized.

“Yes, you can say that.”

“A vacation home…” Aether perked up when an idea popped into his head. “Zhongli, do you already have a place prepared?”

“Yes, I am thinking of Jueyun Karst. It is the only place with few mortals thus we would not be disturbed. I have already informed the adepti living there of this matter.” Zhongli paused when he saw the disappointment on Aether’s face. “Do you perhaps have an idea?”

“Oh no, if you already prepared it then it’s alright!”

“Plans can always change. I want to hear your thoughts on the matter.”

“Well, it didn’t seem like Adeptus Xiao have a home like the other adepti. Even when we sit down to talk, it’s at Wangshu Inn. I thought it would be nice if he could have his own place.” The blond said, scratching his cheeks. When he looked up to Zhongli, the archon was sitting there, staring at him with his eyes wide.

“Yes…that is…” Zhongli mumbled to himself before bringing a hand up to cover his mouth. “It has been a long time since…perhaps now…”

“Uh, Zhongli?” Aether called, successfully snapping Zhongli back to reality.

“My apologies,” the man heaved out a deep breath. “It is only natural you do not know of this, but the Wangshu Inn is established for the purpose of supporting Xiao.”

“Eh?! What do you mean?” Paimon flew up from her seat.

“The Wangshu Inn is created by a secret organization within the Qixing. To be precise, it started with an agent, but it grew and expanded into an organization over time.”

“Then the boss of the Wangshu Inn…” Aether trailed off, remembering the woman always sitting behind the front counter. Now that he thought about it, there was always something strange about her…like how casual she was when mentioning Xiao and even took in ghosts that Xiao brought over.

“If you are referring to Verr Goldet, her real allegiance is to that organization within the Qixing.”

“And the Almond Tofu that Adeptus Xiao loves to eat?!” Paimon gasped.

“The Almond Tofu is also created for Xiao,” Zhongli answered.

“Let me guess, that agent that started the whole thing was you, Morax?” Although it was a question, there was a knowing look on Venti’s face as he grinned at his fellow archon.

“I will not deny my involvement, but the Wangshu Inn is the result of the people’s gratitude towards Xiao.”

“And of course, Xiao is oblivious to all that~” The Anemo Archon sighed wistfully.

“He doesn’t know?!” Paimon stared at Zhongli with wide eyes.

“If he finds out the truth behind Wangshu Inn, he will not go there anymore.” The Geo Archon had a troubled look on his face. “He is a stubborn one and does not easily accept help from others. That is why you must keep this a secret.”

“Of course! Paimon will never tell anyone!”

“Your secret’s safe with us.” Aether nodded.

Then, the two turned towards Venti who straightened under their gaze. “Why are you two looking at me like that? You think I would tattle?”

“True…the tone-deaf bard may be annoying at times, but he can keep a secret!”

“Thank you for your compliments,” the god chuckled.

“Since he got a place already, I guess there’s no need for a home, huh?” Aether laughed lightly.

“Not necessarily. You have given me a better idea.” Zhongli looked at the blond gratefully. “I cannot thank you enough.”

“Oh…I’m glad I could help?”

“I have one more favour to ask of you.”

“What is it?” Aether asked rather cautiously. He couldn’t help it, not after what Xiao asked them to do…

“You say that Xiao is refining the Cleansing pills right now?”

“Yeah, he told us to come back in three days and he’ll give some to us!” Paimon beamed. Even if it wasn’t Mora, it was still a reward for their efforts. Besides, if it was something made by an adeptus, surely it would sell for a hefty price!

“Three days…that leaves two,” Zhongli muttered. “That is plenty enough time. I want to ask you to lure Xiao away from Guili Plains for the remainder of those two days. Preferably somewhere up north—around Qingce village. ”

“But…would he leave with us?” Aether frowned. The whole reason Xiao spoke to them in the first place was because they were delivering his medicine and that he needed their help. As for their time at Wangshu Inn…that was because of Venti. If not for the Anemo Archon, Aether doubted that he would be able to convince the Yaksha to go anywhere with him.

Zhongli was conflicted as well. He knew that his request this time was too much to ask of the traveller. Even he couldn’t think of any convincing ways for them to get Xiao to leave the plains he dwelled upon for so long.

“Ahem!” Venti cleared his throat, letting his presence be remembered. “Might I offer a solution to that? Of course, it will come with a small price~”

“I will give you three gallons of the finest Osmanthus wine in Liyue.” Zhongli was quick to take up the bard’s offer. Putting their many disagreements aside, Venti was still an archon and the one who gave Xiao his Vision. The younger god may be childish, a drunkard, slacks off from his duties and overall a disgrace to the arts…but he was an old friend Zhongli could rely on when push comes to shove.

“Deal!” Venti chirped, snatching up a Lotus Flower Crisp and bit off the fluffy pastry petal.

Aether smiled and raised his chopsticks. “Well then, let’s eat before the food gets cold.”

“Finally!” Paimon let out an exaggerated sigh, picking up her plate and chopsticks with her eyes sparkling as she gazed upon the food. Zhongli let out a small chuckle and joined in as well.

At that time, Aether had no idea what sort of disaster his innocent suggestion was about to bring to the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, the adepti and the Treasure Hoarders located in Guili Plains.

Likewise, he was also oblivious to the new hell that awaited him at Qingce village…

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[beabaseball]

this is a delirious 11pm post for Adults Only guys

Leave this space, child!

...

...

...

...y’all teenagers are going to be tweaked out of their goddamn minds.

Like, not necessarily in the drugged way, though some maybe yes in the drugged way, but like. Specifically in the non-drug way, they’re going to be snippy, and inattentive, and self centered. And that’s probably fine.

Like. Of course teens are self-centered, their bodies are doing weird shit for the first time and people keep making jokes they don’t understand yet, and some of these fuckers haven’t been given sex ed so they don’t even know what’s coming.

The younger teens have just emerged from the child form that has only just started being able to comprehend a larger world. In elementary school, sure I was reading time magazine for kids and we prayed for people who were being reported (religious school; recent tsunami, it happens) and when I was in 1st or 2nd grade we heard rumors that once upon a time women weren’t allowed to do the same stuff as men, but like— you can feel those things, but it’s not really something that you comprehend unless it’s right then a part of your life. I remember the first time I really ‘got’ sexism was in ninth grade in a gym class of 24 boys to 3 + me girls, and I wrote bad poetry about it in my phone for like three months trying to process it.

When I was like 16 our car broke down midway to school and we had to call my dorm parent to come drive me the next 5 mins, and so he’s in a bad mood bc he has to pick me up, and mom is in a bad mood bc car she gets a feeling dorm parent didn’t believe her when she said the car broke down, and it’s like 80 out but more importantly the humidity is a swamp, and I just remember being in his car driving the rest of the way to school and he’s complaining about sunburns bc he’s super pale and Irish, but he’s trying to talk so I kind of say “huh well i’ve never gotten a sunburn. I tan real fast and then go inside and I’m white again.”

and even in the moment I remember being like “that’s not really what he wanted to hear” and I think he even made a face, but I was too out of it and hot and tired to really do anything passed that. And I do feel kind of bad about it? Like, I did not mean to demean his pain of sunburns and I know also that at the time he was having A Rough Time with his marriage, to the point where he had us doing religious plays about parenthood for three seasons straight.

But also, I was a teenager. And looking back I can’t exactly blame my past self for just kinda... saying some words and feeling bad the rest of the car ride but also too tired to care. Theater teacher man wasn’t a bad guy; we were definitely not good at reading each other and he thought musicals sucked, but he also was the one who comforted me out of a panic attack when we had a tornado warning and I ended up convinced my daystudent friend was going to die.

Because that’s what I cared about at the time. Me-related things. Yes, tornado, but I am worried about one (1) person, and that mattered to me. I stayed behind when we got an actual sex-ed person in 7th grade because I was scared that reading yaoi would send me to hell. I had a breakdown in front of my history professor because one of my friends was discovering her gender identity and I was scared I was ‘losing her’ (you know the words!)

Now, someone comes out to me or someone doesn’t understand a term and I’m over here like “yea which definition u wanna use” but back then I was a kid and I had never experienced anything like this before, my hormones were wild—which didn’t mean I was horny and wanted boyfriend, it meant I was in constant fear of bleeding through things and every now and then I would wake up and my body would be in surprise unknowable pain (aka I was finally big enough to cut off my own circulation in my sleep and also growing pains)

Now, I’ve got a lot of that under control. When I wake up with a body in pain I usually know why and probably it is my fault actually. I know a bit better how to get through days when I’m too hot, or too groggy, or just dissociation or mad. (The trick is: say aloud, “sorry if I’m not responding much, I’m just really hot/groggy/out of it/still upset about that.” )

That’s not something a lot of teens have down yet. I saw a kid with a naruto shirt on at work once and I said “hey naruto” and he looked at me like he’d seen the face of god, he was so surprised someone knew what naruto was. To someone even MILDLY in my age range, the idea of not knowing who Naruto is is preposterous. But this was like, 12-15 year old at the most. Not hit his growth spurt yet. Just absolutely blindsided that there was an outside world which recognized something he liked, which I’m gonna wildly guess his parents probably aren’t into or don’t talk about it with him, because the thought of talking Naruto with your kid is horrifying.

Obviously, thinking other people don’t know about naruto is a similar kind of self-centered thought along the lines of “I bet thigh chick isn’t a REAL fan of x” or “EVERYONE has an opinion on me and there is no in between” where like the world... sort of revolves around you.

And like, once that person grows up if they keep that sort of self-focus, that’s usually the time you start trying to ditch them, but even older teens are still just coming out of that larval childhood state. They know a lot more about the world than we probably did at their age—I know a lot of them aren’t having the same existential crisis over their friends’ gender like I did, which is a big ol step— but there are still days that it’s going to be too much new shit to deal with, plus whatever else is happening inside them personally. And it’ll take a while to learn how to handle that.

In the meantime, they might be snappish, or out of it, or just kind of give up and have a ‘fuck it’ attitude sometimes, and it drives a lot of adults just goddamn insane it seems, according to all the mildly aggressive parents at work, trying to get kids who don’t want to be there to give the right reactions. It’s probably not even anything personal to the event that’s making them unhappy. One time I talked to a kid who was crying, and when I got her to tell me what was bothering her, it turned out that some people on her family reunion were mean to her. Nothing about the immediate ‘now’, just a lot of emotion that needed to go somewhere, and that somewhere ended up being crying, and it was not at all about respect or disrespect or anything related to us. Probably most of what was needed was to talk about it (success) and take a long nap.

The first time I remember having a meltdown with a ‘trigger’ like that, I was in 5th grade and my first assignment was something like “what did you do over summer” so I lost my entire shit and cried on the couch for an hour. Passed out, slept til 7, woke up and was fed soup, and have no idea if I finished that paper but presumably I did because I remember a nap and food working.

I would keep having these homework meltdowns periodically, and I don’t know when they stopped, but I had at least one, maybe two, in my first year of college.

And eventually I’ve just kinda.... stopped having them. Stress about a big project wasn’t something that bothered me anymore. You just did it one step at a time, and when you started thinking “maybe I’ll do it in the morning”, you immediately go to bed because you’ve already lost the fight and even if you don’t do it in the morning at least you won’t face it sleep deprived.

It takes time and living to get these experiences, and while one kid might not have the same issues with school work I had, maybe something else just knocks them on their ass every time (same) and it is just. Literally something you need to live through a couple times before you know how to deal with it. You can provide Blank Slate Alien Person with all the mental health tips and anecdotal advice and chamomile tea as you want, but the first couple times they face stress, none of those tips help if they don’t know how to implement them.

If you’ve ever assembled something by instructions and ended up building it upside down—it’s easier to build it again once you’ve gotten mad and undone it and started again. Because you’ve practiced. You already had the instructions, but now you have the experience of building it already, even if the result wasn’t the one you wanted.

Teens are learning a) how to read instructions, and b) that their assembly is probably upside down. and in the meantime, the world is also bonkers wild right now.

When they have that moment of rage, or giving up, or aloofness upon finding shit got built upside down— just. Let them.

You don’t have to ‘fix’ it or ‘fix’ them for having these emotions, or lack of them.

These are normal reactions. They make sense. All I’m asking is that we understand it’s going to happen. These emotions are going to happen.

Don’t let yourself justify being mean to kids and teens by telling yourself they’re being disrespectful. The world and their lives and emotions also don’t revolve around you. It’s not always a rebellion or reason to fight when things get too high strung to hold total control of.

That doesn’t mean ignore them. I was maybe 12 or 13, and it was 90 on a metal ship, and i was wearing an under shirt because i didn’t have a bra, so two layers of clothes on a hot metal ship, on my period— and all I remember is asking my dad to let us sit down and eat some lunch, because i was dizzy and dehydrated, and all he just kept saying we would do it once he saw the tour. I have no idea how long it was but I probably could’ve cried and been called moody or uncooperative.

Life is difficult. Especially for people who aren’t yet in control of their situations. Who are still bursting out with emotions they can’t otherwise articulate.

Be kind to that.