#why tf did youtube start to get a move on with removing them a year and three months later

[jester-fangirl]

Any and all traces of the complete dhmis TV show episodes have been wiped off of the face of YouTube and I actually don't know what to do with my life now

[celiaelise]

Browsing tiktok and then stumbling onto h*nk gr**n's very current and very popular account was such a weird, jarring feeling. I mean, I already knew he was out there, cause I'd seen some of his videos on here. But still.

The n*rdf*ghters/vl*gbr*thers was possibly the most I've ever been emotionally invested in a fandom. Around 2011, I had watched every single one of their videos, which, if you know anything about their update schedule, you know is a lot.

(reading all of homestuck was quick in comparison)

I got my entire immediate family to read tf*os. I followed both brothers on twitter, and most of their side yt channels. I was so plugged into these peoples' lives. They might be the only "celebrities" I've ever met irl. It got to a point where, between all their enterprises, they were producing more content than I could reasonably consume, but for a while I tried anyway. (I should mention that this was also around when my undiagnosed mental illnesses were reaching their peak, and watching YouTube was like my major avoidance and procrastination outlet. Which I think is why watching yt still kind of makes me nervous today lol.) A friend and I even tried to launch our own channel in the format of brotherhood 2.0! (It did not go well)

Then, when John announced he would be making a tf*os movie, (which I found out very early, because he announced it on the channel where you could watch him play sports video games. Which, yeah. I did.) I pretty much knew it was over. Like, not to be melodramatic, but I knew that kind of mainstream attention would destroy the carefully curated community they claimed to value.

By the time the movie came out, I had almost completely removed myself from the fandom. It sounds more drastic than it was. I think I just realized that I had outgrown them, in a way? (Also I started getting medicated lol) They had introduced me to online community and social justice, but I was ready to move onto things like lgbt interests and racial inequality, and they couldn't really help me much there. I still held both of them in high esteem, even during whatever tumblr drama John got involved in, (though tbh I didn't really follow it) but I was kinda realizing that there were probably creators out there who could offer me more than these two straight white men. I've still never seen the tf*os movie.

A few years ago, John released a new novel, and I had no idea until I saw it in stores. I still don't know a single thing about it! That was another bizarre, jarring feeling. When tf*os came out, I wore a hand-painted shirt of the book's cover to school on the day of its release. 😅 (I did a good job on it, though!)

And then today, I saw a tiktok of H*nk's toddler, and had the thought, "didn't he say he never wanted kids?" Which is a weird fucking thought to experience about someone you don't know, who definitely has no idea who you are, imo. It felt like the kind of thing one might think about a distant relative, except, again, he has no idea who I am.

He doesn't know how closely I followed his life, or that I stopped, or when. It's just weird!! Idk, something about it is twisting my brain up, lol.

[mcrmadness]

I was tagged by @cupcakecurl, thank you so much! I’ll try to remember to tag you whenever I am tagged the next time!

It’s a long post so I put it under the “keep reading” link.

1. Do you ever make your bed? No. I have a loft bed so no one can see to there (unless someone is like 2m tall but I barely have visitors and especially not that tall people lol. Or maybe bit shorter people too but since I’m very short, I can’t see there :D) so there’s no point in making the bed. Plus I tend to sweat a lot during some nights so I like to leave the bed “open” so it can dry properly.

2. What’s your favorite number? 13. But also 23 and 123.

3. What’s your job? Currently I’m on a sick leave but my “profession” is horse groom.

4. If you could go back to school, would you? Ummm, I’ve been to plenty of schools but with a bit bad success... I actually love studying and learning but I don’t like schools nor going to schools. So I’m constantly wanting to learn and study but every time I’ve been accepted into a school, I have asked myself "why tf did you have to do this again when you know you hate this all???” as every time I face the same concentration problems with essays etc.

5. Can you parallel park? Yes, but I prefer not to do that on a busy road since I start fucking up things when I feel like I have to hurry because I’m bothering other people. So only when there’s not other cars going everywhere I will do that, otherwise I’ll find another spot to park.

6.  A job you had that would surprise People? I haven’t really had that weird jobs, all of them have been about horses tbh. And I haven’t done a real job ever anyway, just work trainings and school related trainings. But I might say here that before I figured I want to work with horses, I was trying to study animal caretaking and that certain branch was focusing on farm animals. So I have actually been to a cowhouse with milk cows and I have been milking them and worked with cows and calves there a lot as it was a huge part of my school. I also know how to drive a tractor and how to reverse with a trailer attached because we did this A LOT at school and we had to do this again when I was studying in the horse school and it was one of the tests to reverse a tractor and the trailer had to go into an imagined “barn”.

7. Do you believe aliens are real? Yes. I mean, this universe is such a huge place, why the fuck not??? I actually had this thought from a very early on that there must be life out there somewhere and I’m pretty sure they are aware of us all but let’s be honest, if you was from an another galaxy and found out there’s a this small planet with some puny people on it, would you want to get to know us? No, I don’t think so. If we have to kill each other for stupid reasons, do you really think humans would suddenly agree being friends with aliens too? So I still believe they are out there and are aware of us but don’t really bother meeting us nor even letting us know about them because humans are the most idiotic animal on this planet. If you look at all these scifi movies already (witch a few exceptions) and how we always imagine the aliens: if they are hostile, they are unintelligent, can’t talk and will make monster noises and they will look like monsters. If they are friendly, they are super intelligent, can talk or use even telepathy to talk to us and they are humanoids, never monsters. I guess we’re just so scared of them we’re obsessed with this idea and we’re scared they would be more intelligent and still hostile at the same time...

8. Can you drive a manual car? Yup, I have only ever had a manual car and I actually have never driven an automatic car. I’ve no clue how they work :D In Finland you can choose between a driver’s licence to manual or automatic car and with manual you can drive them both, with automatic you can only drive automatic cars. (Do people say automatic car or should it be “with automatic gears”?)

9. What’s your guilty pleasure? I was thinking about this a lot and I think I will agree with the person who tagged me and also say male/male pairings and shipping. But I don’t want to give the same answer (I think there was a really good points!) so I think I’ll go with an easier one: this doesn’t happen that often anymore but when I was still studying and working 4-5 days/week.

We were always listening to radio at work and we usually used channels with music from the 70s and 80s, maybe also 90s and sometimes even older than that. Once one of the workers left the place, we all started using other channels cos everyone was so done with that one particular radio channel :D Anyway, my guilty pleasure was that some songs sometimes stuck in my head, often from old and really popular bands that I couldn’t even link to the band itself. And I really hate earworms when they are not music I normally like to listen to, so I often get really frustrated with them and I start my hunt for the songs so I can listen to them and maybe finally remove it from my head. And here comes my guilty pleasure: reading the youtube comments to some really old songs’ music videos. They are often just so damn hilarious I was often dying from laughter when I did that! And it’s bit sad too because I would have loved to share with them other people but either they would have not understood the youtube comment humour or if I brought it up to someone who actually liked the music, they would just get offended. So I actually realize only now how often this was happening with the songs and I’ve found some really hilarious comments from there too!

I also had several songs I kinda liked to listen to when they were playing. That is something fun too because I wouldn’t say they are guilty pleasure songs but more like... just something for myself you know? I’m often really open but sometimes I like it more when I can keep things only to myself. And it somehow cheered me up when I was driving my car or working in the stable and then heard one of those “guilty pleasure” songs that I could enjoy and at the same time enjoy of the fact no one knew I was enjoying them! I guess I like it because I’m often feeling like being way too visible and I’m afraid that I give away opinions and feels without saying them aloud and what I really want to keep to myself, so that makes me feel REALLY good when I know no one can read me!

10. Tattoos? No. And not gonna have either. I have a fear of needles and pain, I used to have one pair of earrings and even that was terrible enough. And painful.

11. Favorite color? Orange, almost like the neon orange; electric blue, and black.

12. Things people do that piss you off? Ohhh are we talking about pet peeves now? I usually am very calm and it’s hard to make me angry but I’d say that what REALLY pisses me off is when someone/people don’t listen to me. And I mean when they literally tell to my face they don’t care, they don’t want to hear, and that I should shut up. That is what makes me really furious even. One of those rare things that make me really feel like I need to start smashing things. Also people talking over and not listening overall is something a bit annoying but I can take it, but not when it’s intentional. Also I’m very stubborn and sometimes not getting what I want makes me angry too since I kinda got used to that as the oldest siblings, but at the same time I am aware of this and I don’t think I’m surperior or anything. Just some things I need to pay more attention to about myself.

13. Any phobias? Fire (pyrophobia), needles and sharp objects (aichmophobia) and social anxiety (social phobia), for the starters.

14. Favorite childhood sport? I had none. I liked badminton tho but just like... a few times in a summer and then I forgot about it again. And as a pre-teen I actually was horseback riding regularly for about half a year. Then a pony threw me down and it was my first time falling of a horse and of course I had to break my arm. Since that I have fallen just once but I don’t really like riding that much, driving is more of a my thing now.

15. Do you ever talk to yourself? Not really, I laugh aloud more often but I don’t really talk to myself. I don’t like hearing my voice when I’m alone, it triggers my depersonalization/dissociation.

16. What movie do you adore? Oh what movie I wouldn’t adore??? I watch so many movies and it’s almost impossible to say just one... I guess I’m gonna say my favorite one of them all: Beetlejuice by Tim Burton. I have always been really interested in all kinds of different imagines of death because I have always been a bit afraid of death and I just don’t like the thought of everything ending on that. I can basically imagine that emptiness and it’s really scary and something I don’t want to have. So I have always been really into anything that will show death as something else than emptiness or permanent. And I really love it what Burton did with Beetlejuice and I just love all the details in there! I have seen this movie millions of times and still I feel like whenever I watch it, I find something I did not see the last time because there’s just so much to see! And it’s also really funny and full of dark humour which is 110% my thing and I think that movie is a perfect example of Burton’s twisted, dark sense of humour. I feel like I understand his humour so well that every time I go to see a Burton movie in the theaters, I’m usually the only one to laugh at things I get as these weird jokes he likes to put there and everyone else is laughing at things that weren’t always even meant as that funny. It’s kinda weird, but it just shows that he’s my favorite move director for a reason :D And back to Beetlejuice (was that now the third time saying the name..?), Danny Elfman made the music to this one too and the theme is probably my favorite Danny Elfman score as well.

17. Do you like doing puzzles? Yeah! I like both types: jigsaw puzzles and the other puzzles and I really love when video games have lots of puzzles to solve as idk, somehow I just love that :D

18. What’s your favorite kind of music? Uh, this is gonna take a while to explain. Because it’s not that simple... I mean, in a way it is but it isn’t? :D I tend to like bands that basically are of the newer punk rock but don’t necessarily be punk itself, but they all either have roots in punk or their influences were mainly punk bands. And a while back I actually realized that most bands I listen to, actually have lots of the same bands behind there as their influences but all these bands (that I listen to) are all totally different from each other. So I like music that is based on punk rock but with a lot of new stuff added to them and I like music that is very diverse and offers a lot for the ears to hear, lots of layers and instruments etc. but so that on an album there isn’t 10 songs that are hard to tell apart ebcause they sound so alike, but more like 10 songs that are all different enough from each other but still similar enough that they sound like they belong into the same album. I’m very picky with music but the more I look back into what my music taste has been over the years, I still seem to always like the same things, and one of the things I like a lot with music is when there’s violins and/or pianos, I also like brass, but only when it’s there every now and there and not in every song. When not getting too much of something, it stays interesting, otherwise I’ll become very bored and start to look for “new” stuff to have enough stimuli.

So, many probably are already aware that my favorite band is Die Ärzte. And others, from the US: MCR, The Killers and Yellowcard. Rammstein from Germany and there’s some other German bands I might listen to too. From Finland I like bands like: Apulanta, Tehosekoitin, Klamydia, Häiriköt... And have to say here that as weird as it sounds, DÄ, MCR and Apulanta are quite different but all of them have lots of the same bands that influenced them! :D And Rammstein is probably the most different but hey, they also have punk roots! (And I like Feeling B too, btw. It’s very rare to me because I normally don’t like THAT regular punk but I really love the drums, escpecially when Schneider joined the band, and all the other instruments and the synth just made them to stand out!) And even The Killers share some influence bands with DÄ and MCR which is super interesting as there’s nothing punk in their style, but they’re still one of the most important bands from my teenage years. I was about 14 when I heard of them for the first time at school and since there was no Youtube yet, the hunt for the song, “Somebody Told Me”, was quite intense because only way to find it was to one day hear someone mention the song and band name on radio, but fortunately I did catch it! The album I found only 1-2 years later tho, when their 2nd album was released and I found both albums from a record store (R.I.P. record stores...) here.

So, that’s my favorite kind of music. Fast, interesting, lots of layers and instruments, good singing and it has to have lots of melody too. I live from songs with lots of melody.

19. Tea or coffee? Tea, and actually the only tea I drink is Earl Greay and I drink that on a daily basis. Usually just 1 cup/day but sometimes even 2. 3 starts to have bit too much caffeine already. And from here we get to the reason I don’t drink coffee: my head can’t stand caffeine and the only time I do drink coffee is because I need caffeine aka when I drive longer distances with a car, but it causes me exessive sweating and I need to pee 24/7 and increses my panic symptoms and worsens my concentration skills so I try to avoid caffeine as much as I can. Besides, coffee tastes bad. It’s one of the best smells in the world and I HATE how it does not taste like that!!! So whenever I drink coffee, it’s not really coffee, it’s milk and sugar with a little bit of coffee in it. And ice coffee tastes better than normal coffee and I usually buy these readymade ice coffees you get in Finland cos they don’t taste like coffee. More like... milk and sugar with coffee taste lol.

20. First thing you remember wanting to be when you grow up? Oh I think what I said was “I don’t know, probably something to do with animals.” I also am not exactly sure if I was one of those kids being like “I want to be a veterinatian!” or if I did NOT want to be a vet, and so when people would ask about being a vet then, I’d answer no, but more like just taking care of the animals. And I was not wrong, I am a qualified horse groom now.

I want to tag (what? me? tagging people? uncanny!) @stufenlosregelbar and hmmmm... @bleibimmerduselbst, since I haven’t seen this one on your blogs yet. Or at least not lately, not sure if you have already done this before and if so, I’m sorry, I normally do remember things I see but now for some reason I can’t remember that! And of course if someone out there wants to do this but hasn’t got tagged (I’d but I can’t read minds so idk who wants to be tagged I’m sorry!), then I’m also gonna tag YOU so please, steal this and tag yourself :D

[rapmonphile]

getting to know me

i was tagged by the incredible and sweet @chim-jiminie-cricket to do this question game! tysm chim, ily!!

your last . . .

1. drink: a s’mores frappuccino from starbucks

2. phone call: i literally never talk on the phone but it was probably with my mom (tbh ......i was probably at the grocery store and called her in a panic bc i couldn’t find smth)

3. text message: i sent my sister a screenshot of that post that’s like “i wanna run away but like in a ghibli movie .....” bc we spent all day yesterday watching ghibli films

4. song you listened to: polarize by twenty one pilots

5. time you cried: um this is embarrassing™ but it was a few days ago bc i’d been having a Bad Week and the last straw was when i went to dairy queen and when they turned over my blizzard n handed it to me (why tf do they do that) it made a goddamn mess and got all over my shirt and seatbelt and i was so mad i started crying jhhgsdghhg

have you ever . . .

6. dated someone twice:  no but i did almost date the same guy like 4 times in high school (it was so needlessly complicated.... i sometimes wonder what would have happened if we’d ever gotten it together and started dating)

7. kissed someone and regretted it: u m i have actually never kissed anyone tbh

8. been cheated on: no

9. lost someone special: yes

10. been depressed: uh yeah i think i might be depressed? but it also might just be my anxiety but idk who knows man

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: no, i don’t drink and i’m legit terrified of throwing up

list 3 favorite colors

12-14. mint green, oxblood, and hunter green

in the last year, have you . . .

15. made new friends: yes!! so many, esp on here

16. fallen out of love: nope

17. laughed until you cried: yes :’)

18. found out someone was talking about you: hmm no i don’t think so?

19. met someone who changed you: lmao i literally hate this question.......,, i mean yeah i guess? i mean nothing dramatic but i think everyone you meet changes you a little

20. found out who your friends are: ohhhh yes

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: no, ew

random questions

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: most of them, the ones i don’t know are friends of friends or we went to the same high school (i never use fb though so it rly doesn’t matter to me)

23. do you have any pets: yeessss i have a pit bull and she’s the single love of my life

24. do you want to change your name: no i don’t think so, mags is just a nickname but my real name is p unique and even tho i wish people could spell/pronounce it on the first try, at least idk anyone else with my name

25. what did you do for your last birthday: one of my best friends has a bday like 5 days before mine, so we just combined our birthday celebrations and us and a couple more friends went to steak n shake and saw beauty and the beast together

26. what time did you wake up: 9:20 am

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: watching the gong show, lmao

28. name something you can’t wait for: i’m going to a music festival in september and i’m soooOOo excited!! also i can’t wait to go to the beach with my family

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: i am looking at her rn

30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: i wish i wasn’t so afraid to do new things and i wish i didn’t have so much anxiety about things that literally everyone has to go through (i.e. change)

31. what are you listening to right now: my mom running around putting things into boxes (we’re moving soon)

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: u mean 707′s neighborhood friend tom? ... yes i actually have met someone named tom

33. something that is getting on your nerves: it’s too hot in this room and i am dying

34. most visited website: tumblr or youtube

35-37. ok so i’ve answered these same questions like probably 10 times over the years and these 3 q’s have literally always been missing. whats the deal

38. hair color: rn it’s brown with blonde highlights

39. long or short hair: it’s getting longer

40. do you have a crush on someone: no

41. what do you like about yourself: hfgdhs idk ,,, i think i’m a fun person and i won’t judge people for liking “weird” things bc i have a lot of ... eclectic interests and i hate how it feels to be teased for that

42. piercings: i just have one in each ear.... i want a cartilage piercing but i’m scared of pain and also it bugs me that you can’t remove it for like 6 months

43. blood type: that’s a good question, i should know that but i don’t

44. nickname: mags, except ppl in real life don’t actually call me that lmao

45. relationship status: single and tbh i’m comfortable with it, i tried dating recently and tbh it is so fucking exhausting

46. zodiac: i am literally a textbook aries

47. pronouns: she/her

48. favorite tv show: the office, bbc sherlock, gravity falls, or anything on the food network/hgtv

49. tattoos: none, i’m scared of pain and commitment

50. right or left handed: right

51. surgery: never had one, thank god

52. piercing: um,,,.,, repeat question

53. favorite sport: tbh i hate sports but i am completely obsessed with the olympics, particularly swimming, diving, figure skating, and women’s gymnastics (seriously.... idk if any of you followed my main during the olympics last year but it was p much all i blogged about)

55. favorite vacation: disney world (i go every year and i went this january but i’m missing it so bad rn)

56. favorite pair of trainers: i have a pair of light gray and light blue nikes that i looooove but i’ve had them for like 3 years and they’re getting worn out

57. eating: nothing, but i did have an eggo waffle this morning

58. drinking: ice water

59. i’m about to: finish packing up my bedroom :(

61. waiting for: my mom to take a shower so we can go grab lunch (there’s literally no food in our house since we’re abt to move)

62. want: the ac to kick on so i can stop dying (it’s already so hot today)

63. get married: hhdgsd idk, ,,, probably (i always say how much i hate romantic shit but tbh i can’t wait to find someone who makes me rethink all the cynical stuff i’ve ever said about love)

64. career: don’t even ask i’m gonna have an anxiety attack (i’m in college and haven’t declared a major yet can u tell)

which is better

65. hugs or kisses: hugs, kissing grosses me out a bit tbh

66. lips or eyes: both (but if i had to pick i’d say eyes i think)

67. shorter or taller: don’t rly care but i guess i’d pick taller

68. older or younger: older

70. nice arms or nice stomach: both (or either)

71. sensitive or loud: these aren’t mutually exclusive but i’d say sensitive

72. hook up or relationship: relationship

73. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

have you ever . . .

74. kissed a stranger: no

75. drank hard liquor: no

76. lost glasses/contact lenses: no, my glasses are 100% always on my face

77. turned someone down: yes

78. sex on the first date: mm no

79. broken someone’s heart: yes :/

80. had your heart broken: yes ://

81. been arrested: lmao NO

82. cried when someone died: yes

83. fallen for a friend: yes lmao

do you believe in . . .

84. yourself: i try to !!!!!!

85. miracles: yes

86. love at first sight: no dude... that’s honestly such a dumb notion in my eyes

87. santa claus: um tbh i wish?? like every time i watch rise of the guardians i’m like “that is 1000% what santa would look like” and then i wish he was real

88. kiss on the first date: i wouldn’t want to, just bc i’ve never kissed anyone and i want to get to really know someone first bc i’m so nervous when it comes to things like that

89. angels: no, like i believe that loved ones who’ve passed on can watch over you but i think that’s different from angels

other

90. best friend’s name:  eva and kendall

91. eye color: hazel

92. favorite movie: i have millions....,,,,, the secret world of arrietty, monsters university, tangled, big hero 6, how to train your dragon, power rangers, ghostbusters (2016), the incredibles, teenage mutant ninja turtles 2, ratatouille, jersey boys, zootopia .... i’m forgetting a million but yeah. i love animated films, esp. disney/pixar

tagging

i’m literally not tagging 20 people but if i didn’t tag u and you wanna do this, pls pls go ahead and tag me in it!! also i’m soooo sry if i tag you and you’ve already done it/been tagged. anyway i tag: @bbysucculents, @yxonkook, @yoobin-nie, @missmarymoo, @escapaertist, and literally anyone else who wants to do this!! tag me in your answers <3