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oveliagirlhaditright · 3 years

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Chapter 2 of my Lawlight story, “Queries” (rated M). https://archiveofourown.org/works/29342865/chapters/72072144

During the Yotsuba arc--after L and Light have begun some relationship, that had just started as L trying to trick relationship out of Light--it becomes clear that Light is having some hallucinations because of brain tumors.

And this will lead to L questioning everything he'd thought he'd decided about Light's character, and Kira later eventually wondering if he should or shouldn't be spending some of his remaining time as he is.

Naturally, Light's coming back to headquarters didn't sit well with everyone… or anyone for that matter. And while L was glad that technology had progressed enough, that Light could easily give himself chemo while he worked... a lot of times, wires from said machine attached to Light would get tangled up, or something else would go wrong with it, and Light would swiftly have to go to the hospital. But Light was figuring out how to deal with that. He was a genius, L supposed.

But Light wasn’t the only one trying to logic out everything new in his life. L wondered where his own conscience was in all of this... Surely, he should have been sympathizing with Light, if he actually cared about him or whatever his heart was telling him.

He also should have been trying to accommodate Light here, to the best of his ability… but L wasn’t doing that. And he felt nothing, except for a strange kind of ire against Light. No, Kira.

"…Light-kun, if I found Kira and he was ill, with only a short amount of time to live, would it be inhumane to sentence him to death?"

And of course, Light punched L in the face for that little gem. And when he did, the detective thought it was a very good thing that the two of them were in the kitchen right now—where no one could see them—and that they barely wore the handcuffs anymore, otherwise L would have gone flying once more.

"Ryuzaki, you bastard! Is that really what you think of me? I bet a cruel part of you wishes that I was Kira, so he’d really suffer in his death, huh?!"

Well, there really was no denying it, was there? L thought, as Light’s hand that was now attached to L’s shirt—holding him up—somehow went down said article of clothing to somewhat arouse L, even as they fought.

“Yes. No matter who Kira is, I think he deserves something like that, for all the lives he’s so carelessly thrown away. Even if he is you, Light-kun, Does this make you still want to sleep with me? Does it make you want to kill me?”

In the back of L’s mind, where his conscience did still exist, he couldn’t fathom how he could ever be so cold to someone who was dying: someone who he even felt something for, which was a rarity in and of itself.

L was probably even lying here—since he truly wouldn’t want Kira to suffer, because otherwise he’d be just like that man in his desire for just desserts. But L still couldn’t help but to try and get a rise out of Yagami Light. He just loved the little games that they played…

But Light seemed near crying now, and so the game suddenly wasn’t very fun anymore. And L found himself near putting a finger into his mouth and biting his nail to the quick in punishment for this.

“Ryuzaki, you’re the worst. Honestly, the worst! I’m not Kira, but I could still see why he would want to target you. I can’t believe I ever thought I lov-

“Anyway, I guess being cutoff is how you get the job done, huh L? So, what did I expect? …And we’ve been here long enough. We should go back and join everyone now, before anyone suspects anything.”

Though Light was presumably calm and not furious now, he still made a show of throwing away L’s strawberry cake for good measure. And L thought about switching to another persona for it: mayhap the one where he acted all too innocent. He easily could have looked at the fallen cake in faux-confusion with a finger pressed to his lips, couldn’t he?

But he did not. Since for whatever reason, L had activated his ice queen personality and he seemed hellbent on staying there. "Light-kun knew when he began our 'relationship' that it was all a game. I find it hard to understand why he’s so upset now. And why should we go back to the task force now, when we haven’t even done anything for them to be suspicious about? I say we have some fun, and give them just that.”

“Ryuzaki, what are you talking abou-” But Light’s words were cut off, when L unzipped Light’s fly, released his cock, and then leaned down to try and give the teen the best blowjob he’d ever performed.

L would have liked to believe that his doing this was some sort of minor way of making up for how he’d been treating Light… even though all he was doing was continuing to toy with the boy’s feelings, just like the monster he’d always known he was.

…

After the two’s “bathroom break”—and they were wearing the handcuffs again, to explain why they’d had to leave together in the first place—L and Light diligently got back to work.

And then Light did the worst thing he ever could have done, in L’s book, in finding something important before even he did.

Though L ended up discovering this in a very untraditional way. Light had collapsed in front of his computer monitor, that held the glorious information he had clearly just uncovered before he passed out. And L saw this info just when he’d been going to check on his boyfriend and call the paramedics in for him… he did not do that now.

It seemed that Kira's power had been moved to the Yotsuba group, if the data Light-kun had uncovered meant anything. Most interesting.

And L knew that the old Kira would have been expecting him to follow this lead as soon as he came upon it.

And so he did, long before he even thought about going to the hospital after Soichiro had finally gotten Light there.

…

Eventually, L did find himself walking into St. Luke’s International, pushing open the worn door as if it were his destiny to do so. (And of course he was here, the back of L’s useless mind told him now, since he clearly loved Light.) And L was beginning to think that he should just take up residence at this place.

Light looked horrible… L saw when he reached Light’s room. Worse than he ever had—with red puffy eyes, pale skin, a runny nose, and an utter weakness about him as he struggled to keep his eyes open. And it was that, that that made L drop the façade he’d been wearing for so long, and actually care.

And he started off that act of caring, in deciding to sit on Light’s bed, by his side, like any significant other might do if their loved one was sick. …Fortunately, Light’s family was out at the moment, buying him “something better than hospital food”, so they wouldn’t see this rather intimate act.

"Light-kun... no, Light. I know you find the ‘kun’ honorific childish… I want you to know how substantial the information you found today is. Thank you for doing your part."

Light gave L a searching look then. And if L was a lesser man, he might have gotten into a name calling fight with Light over it, for his having just hurt him in his attempt to be kind.

“…You know I don't believe your recognizing my contributions for a second, right Ryuzaki? I knew it was a game to you, the moment we began kissing. Of course I did. And it will be even when we finally do have sex, I know. If anything, I think you're just trying to assuage your guilt here, by complimenting me... But even so, I know that’s a lot coming from you. So, thank you."

Outside the window, a frost had begun to set in. Its icky fingers drifted closer to L’s person, and he thought it was one step closer to turning L into death, like he always knew he was. Because what else could he be, if he always destroyed everything so thoroughly like this? And it was in seeing such fault in himself, something that he couldn’t bear, that he decided to try and put blame elsewhere.

It was just with the certainty at which Light had said all of that, that L found himself wanting to fuck Light into the headboard to try and make some kind of point. Or to just kiss him delicately, to let the boy know he was wrong about his guesses… and that really, he was the thing that L now treasured most in the world.

L did neither of those things, but instead decided to try and continue being nice. Didn’t they say to kill them with niceness, or something like that? If that was the case, L would prove that he had the higher body count than even Kira.

"Light... I want you to forget the way I've been treating you lately. Let's go back to the way we were. I’ll even find better ways for you to work on the case while being sick."

Light sighed at that—nearly knocking his heart monitor off, as he flexed a finger—and L was lost. Shouldn’t someone as ambitious as Light—ambitious as Kira—leap at an opportunity like this, and try to take advantage of L with it?

Instead, Light just seemed bone tired. "I'm on my deathbed, Ryuzaki, and you're still playing games? I can’t believe you! But I still want us to be together, so I guess I’ll listen to tht… reluctantly."

And if L was poetic—and he was certainly anything but—he’d say that right now, Light was cleanser on an overly drawn canvas. And if L looked at him—though he very much desired not to, because he didn’t want to be overcome by his own emotions—he would have even said that Light himself looked like a drawing of perfect angles. And he didn’t at all have the entanglements that L usually hated in a person. Light was simply as he was… even now, while somehow lost in his own charade, Yagami Light was still Yagami Light, and L couldn’t help being moved by that.

Though he shouldn’t have been, since it was clear that Yagami Light now cared about L too much. And that had never been part of the plan. It was far too dangerous. And yet, here they were.

And L didn’t know if it was for these cursed feelings he had, the investigation, or for hate that he found himself asking the next question: "Do your doctors have any new suggestions for you, Light?"

“…They’ve suggested radiology for me, Ryuzaki.”

L had figured that his friend might say that. And when he did, it made him hunch down and think, drawing away from the bed that he’d been sitting on for a good fifteen minutes now. If he were in Light’s position, he honestly wasn’t sure what he’d do. Did he care about his life so much, that he would risk what that might do to him? Or would he let his suicidal tendencies get the best of him again? …

Maybe L did know. And if it came down to it, Light could do that, too.

And just as L thought that, it began thundering outside. And if he didn’t have such good control over his facial reaction to things, he would have laughed.

But now was not a time to be happy. No, here she should have been worried about his lover for a number of reasons, so Light deserved L’s candor now. And L gave that to him. “I wouldn't do it, if I were in your position, Light-kun. Zapping your cells with lasers sounds more dangerous than using drugs to me …But then again, I'm not in your position, am I? So, who am I to say, really? Do what you think is best, as I’m sure you always do."

"…If it weren’t for some sort of grace, maybe you would be in my position, L.”

And at these words from Light, L couldn’t help but to laugh bitterly. This was the most Kira-like thing that Light had ever said. But L was going to leave it alone... for now. Since he had a heart within his chest, after all, if he looked hard enough for it.

“Ignore everything I just said… Get radiology treatment, Light. If they think it will save your life, do it. And then come back to me, when you can,” and L walked away then, deciding to leave Light to his family for now. Since they all deserved to be together when Light was dying, didn’t they?

So, leave the situation, he did… and L tried to ignore the horrid feeling that he was forsaking his other half as he did so.

…

But though L had laid his heart on the line for Light there, Light had apparently taken to heart L’s first words—and didn’t follow his later advice, to try and save himself—and that had L biting his nails, as Light became even more sickly when he returned this time.

And if Light didn’t look like he was about to have his life claimed my a reaper, L would have thought that Kira was doing all of this on purpose to garner some sympathy from him. Who knew? Perhaps he still was. But L had begun to doubt that, as his feelings for Light grew.

.…And it pained L, more than he would have liked to admit, to see the person he still had some sort of relation with every night, hurting this much.

But even then, L still tried to keep the game between them going somewhat. Because even if this Light was no longer Kira, L knew he still longed for the thrill as much as he did. So, he poised a question to his boyfriend now.

"Light-kun," L started, popping a cherry into his mouth and then tying the stem with his tongue. "…What if you don’t have cancer? I'm not doubting the severity of your illness, no, but perhaps you were misdiagnosed. Some of your symptoms do line up with Parkinson’s, I think. And doctors make mistakes countless times… though I don’t mean to frighten you."

But frightening Light was exactly what L did. Or made him angry, more like. And Soichiro too, for that matter. He seemed like he would have been quick to jump to his son’s aid, if Light wasn’t a much better smooth talker himself. "Yeah, that would be so much better, Ryuzaki. I'd just die later—and suffer more—and end up quadriplegic. I think I'll pass."

The truth was, that a part of L almost hoped that Light would have Parkinson's. Because despite what Light was saying… there was a chance that he wouldn’t get so ill with it. At least not fast. But since Light would still die with that, L was close to suggesting that Light just might have Chron’s, but he thought he’d be doubting Light’s strength far too much, if he said that. And just after he’d promised he would be nicer, too. So L kept these thoughts sealed.

"I apologize, Light-kun. It's only a three percent possibility, after all. But I thought I should still say something to try and help you, on the off-chance that I’m right."

And it must have been the grim subjects that caused Yagami Soichiro to bring up something that L never would have expected. And that was truly something.

"Ryuzaki...” the man said, “it seems to me that you and Light—our brightest workers here—haven’t been making any headway, because of Light’s condition. I hate to say this... but the Yotsuba group is only killing their own rivals, and there can't be as many of them as there are criminals in the world. So, the killings aren’t like before... Maybe we should give up and let them continue, so I can take my son home and let him rest. I say this all as a concerned father."

Though L certainly understood why Soichiro would ask this, L would admit to feeling let down by the chief here: it was like how pretty much everyone in L’s life disappointed him, besides Wammy… and Light, annoyingly enough.

But if L had a son, mightn’t he feel the same way about him that Soichiro did about Light now? He tried to focus on that. "Yagami-san… While I, of course, will continue looking for Kira, neither of you are required to do the same. Yes, Yagami-san: go and rest and be with your family; I cannot thank you enough for your service. You too, Light."

L was searching for a strawberry at this point, not giving the situation as much as attention as she should have been—partly because he was disassociating, and because he was sure Light would say no, he guessed—that L felt like he’d been hit by a bus when Light soon agreed (Matsuda-san, too, if his words to Light of “But you’ve come so far!” meant anything.)

"Th-that may be best, Ryuzaki," Light admitted, with a pensive look in his eyes. And L whipped his head to stare at his boyfriend in astonishment. All his calculations had told him that Light—that Kira—wouldn’t even abandon the case for even his own life. So, did this mean that he was wrong about Light, and about him being Kira, too?

L wanted to beg Light to stay for two reasons, but he had to pretend he had the moral high ground here. And so, the tired detective did. “Don’t antagonize them, Matsuda-san. If the two of them want to leave, they're certainly allowed to do so. However, Light-kun, I must suggest you stay one more night for surveillance purposes."

And there was a needy tone to L’s voice, that he prayed the task force didn’t notice. Honestly, L didn’t know if he was wanting Light to stay to examine him one more time, or so he could get laid. Perhaps both.

But whatever L was feeling, Light have must been experiencing it, too. For he looked at L with shining eyes and decided his fate. "...One more night then, Ryuzaki. I can handle that much."

And L chose to give a discreet smile, and not think on how their parting would be such sweet sorrow.

...

Later that night, when the two of them were trying to express whatever it was that they felt for each other, it was Light on top of L. And the two of them were close to having sex: moreso than they ever had been by far. Light was just about to enter L; and the fact that Light was still waiting and teasing him was truly torturous… but really, L knew that they should probably stop here. Light was getting tired. And if they became this intimate with each other, wouldn’t it make everything worse?

So, L gently pushed Light off of him, indicating that he should retire, and gave him a quick kiss with all of his apologizes laid bare in it.

And then, truly shockingly Light gave one himself. “…I'm sorry for everything too, Ryuzaki. Please don't leave me, if you can manage it. I know you’re somewhat agoraphobic… but can’t you take some time off the case to come and see me?”

L gave that much thought, as he snuggled into Light—smelling his fine-shampooed hair—and wishing he never had to let go.

The truth was, that L didn’t see it within himself to do that. He was too set in his ways. And if Light was dying and wasn’t Kira, it was probably best they never saw each other again.

But still… L didn’t exactly want to break Light’s heart right now, so perhaps to choose his words carefully…"Light… your leaving is alright. Don’t feel bad about it.," L tried to placate his first ever friend, while placing a kiss to his neck that also showed that they weren’t just friends, didn’t it? "You've done more than enough for the case, and for me personally. So as much as I would like to continue where we left off just a moment ago… it’s probably best for your own sake, if you begin packing right now.”

But that seemed to be the wrong thing to say. Light was less rested now, and he sat up to glare at the storm outside, as if it had personally offended him.

Finally, there were these words from Light, before L was about to joke about getting out a lie detector to unearth the truth from him. "...I wouldn't be leaving, Ryuzaki, if I thought I could offer anything to this investigation. But I'm too sick to now. And... because you’re the best detective in the world, and think it wasme… I'm now afraid I used to be Kira. So maybe my leaving is a just an excuse to get away and protect you from myself."

"…Or your staying here, if you chose that, could offer some wonderful insight into Kira. Since even if you aren’t him, you’re quite good at profiling him. But I understand why you have to leave, Light: like I said, don’t worry about it."

Deep down, L knew that he was only being nonchalant because he believed no one could ever really love him—wasn’t that why he was so clearly pulling away from Light’s embrace now?—but he refused to give that truth any thought, and rather chose to be “selfless”. Even wearing a smile on his face, and everything.

“Hey, Ryuzaki… you know I’d never leave if I had another choice, right?”

And L hated this guilt within Light: absolutely despised that he’d made this perfectly normal boy—who was not Kira, at least not right now—fall in love with him, just so he could study what he believed the mind of a serial killer to be.

But near instantly, as he still felt very guarded, Ryuzaki tried to push back this notion that he’d caught feelings too, because the great detective L was above that, wasn’t he?

Squeezing Light close to himself now for a very selfish thing that L wanted to pin their whole “relationship on”, L found himself speaking once more. “Of course I know that, Light… Do you what must to protect yourself. But if you and Chief Yagami ever want to return, just give my one mobile a call.”

L let himself be pulled into another kiss by Light then. And they did more than that, too. Light was astonished by how sweet their coupling here actually was… but he knew it wouldn’t last.

…

A Month Later

To say that L found absolutely no leads after two of his best workers left the investigation, would, sadly, have been an understatement.

The Kira Countermeasures Force had assumed that Higuchi was the third Kira, of course, but when they had brought him in for questioning… he’d denied everything and had seemed out of sorts with himself, and like he’d lost his grip on reality entirely.

This was all been brought to light when Watari was torturing the man (something that hadn’t set well with L’s people at all); and then the murders had started up again. And L wasn’t sure if it was due to the second Kira, a new Kira, or somehow Higuchi still. Though L doubted that one, since these killings didn’t match the ones he had done before. Criminals were back to dying like live stock, and so L surmised that the second Kira was back in action again. And so, he needed to bring Amane Misa back into the fold.

L had been forced to release the girl when all the “evidence” he had had against her had gone nowhere, and her manipulator had left the building. So, he wasn’t exactly looking forward to this call…

Speaking of Yagami Light… L knew that he was not the first Kira at the moment. Light was undergoing massive treatments for his health, and the hospital seconded this. And Soichiro himself kept giving L updates about Light… not that the man was entirely trustworthy, as he was clearly biased where his son was concerned, but L knew he could probably be believed in this case.

As for Light himself… he kept sending L risqué texts, which proved to the detective that he hadn’t entirely lost his sense of humor, which was good L supposed.

And he was embarrassed to admit that the texts left him wanting Light, and to be with him again post-haste.

And, yes: he’d even decided that he preferred the feeling of Light inside of him, then what he thought it would feel like to be inside of Light. So, he wouldn’t fight the boy about that again, if and when he got back. But none of this was important now. No. The task force breathing down his neck was what was.

“Ryuzaki, what’s your plan to get Misa-san here? You haven’t convicted her of anything… and you tortured her last time; and she won’t want to see you without Light-kun here,” Ide whispered right next to L, bringing him out of his stupor. And he’d startled L so thoroughly, that the man was lucky that he hadn’t used his Capoeira skills on him.

“He brings up a good point, Ryuzaki,” Matsuda allowed, as he cleverly put more sugar cubes into L’s coffee, so that it was practically swimming in them. What an irreplaceable part of the team Matsuda was, L thought now. And as such, L thought he could probably reward his team with some info here that they wouldn’t have ferreted out themselves.

“The plan, as it were, is to not be so brutal this time. I will not get a warrant for Misa-san, and will instead invite her in for a lovely chat with Light’s best friend and see what happens.”

“…Do you really think that will work, Ryuzaki?” Mogi-san asked what all of them were wondering, but so unsurely that L didn’t instantly berate him for doubting his superior. “Do you think that Misa-san can overlook what you did to her so easily?”

Watari, as if sensing the tension in the air, came in right then to offer the men smokes. And everyone took one, except for Matsuda (because he was still quite childish in L’s mind. He had expected nothing else), and L, who only liked the taste of sugar.

And as it happened, L thought about quipping that they all might die of cancer before Kira could ever to them—and L was about to send a glare Watari’s way for his choice here—but he did not.

Instead, L just spoke the truth that had become crystal clear to him. “I think you all forget how much Light-kun means to Misa-san.”

And as he always was, L was right.

Just a day later, he found himself sitting across from Misa like he had during her and Light’s disastrous date months ago (the bruise on L’s cheek stung from the memory of it), and she seemed altogether more put together and nervous than she ever had been before. And L zeroed in on that, like a shark would blood in the water.

"Err, what did you want to talk to me about, Ryuzaki? I wanted to go see Light! Have you heard that he may be going into remission already?!"

“I had heard, Misa-san,” L admitted, finding himself slightly grinning even though he didn’t want to and he thought he’d schooled himself better than this “And I may be more thrilled about that then anyone... But important things must be discussed, so-”

“Exactly, Ryuzaki! We have to talk about the important things! I know you brought me here that creep Higuchi, but I’d rather talk about how you and Light are friends!”

This was… suspicious to L. Though, to be fair, anything Light or Misa did was suspect to him. But it was like Misa had developed a conscience and was wanting L to be Light’s friend, so the two of them wouldn’t have to kill him. Perhaps L could work with that.

L leaned forward, steepled his hands together, and thought deeply. “I understand that that’s important, Misa-san… but Higuchi. You wanted Kira to be stopped because Light-kun was working on the case before, yes? So why do you hold back now?” Misa’s lovely golden eyes flashed then, with a kind of emotion that L couldn’t entirely decipher. And even though L thought he was most certainly gay, even he was captivated by them and all the pent up things there. “Stop talking about Higuchi, Ryuzaki! You think Light is Kira. We all know you do. And you’ll never stop doing so… So what if I was prepared to tell you you’re not wrong, per se, if you keep being his friend?” L felt his throat drop into his stomach; and his eyes no doubt flashed in the way that Misa’s just had. It- it couldn’t be this easy, could it?

Had Light done something to upset Misa for her to betray him like this? …But was it a betrayal? Misa still wanted L to be Light’s friend, so how did that work?

“…Misa-san, are you saying-”

“I’ll never say it again or testify in a court or anything like that… but work with me, Ryuzaki, and I’ll work with you.”

Yes, L could definitely do this.

He reached across the chasm, took Misa’s hand, and shook it.

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