#will they be my primary hobbies? probably not! but it's good to stretch my brain a bit every once in a while

[tj-crochets]

Hey y'all my neighbors had a yard sale and I got an autoharp but I know absolutely nothing about autoharps, how to tune them, or how to play them. Do you have any advice?

[theonceoverthinker]

When Will My Life Begin? (Fair Game, 11/?)

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Summary: Tangled AU. Clover Callows has been confined to a tower for all of his life, and given the threat that his Uncle Tyrian says his semblance poses to his safety, he accepts that fate. It’s the only life he’s ever known, after all. But when he’s offered the opportunity to fulfill his greatest dream after a chance encounter with a thief -- or bandit, as Qrow Branwen insists there’s a difference between the two -- both Clover and Qrow will discover joys that they never knew life could offer them before.

AO3

A/N: Hi, everyone! I’m sorry if this chapter feels a smidge out of place! I was seeing some family this weekend and the next chapter I had planned was just a bit too complicated for me to give it the focus I wanted to. So instead, I prepared a little mid-space chapter so that I could still give you an update! I hope you like it!

()()()()()()()()()()()()()() Clover Callows felt that like his uncle, he was an intelligent man. He tended to soak up facts Uncle Tyrian told him like a sponge, had a great understanding of scientific fields like astronomy, physics, and biology, took interests in a variety of hobbies ranging from cooking to reading to exercising, and studied all that Uncle Tyrian brought into the tower with a certain methodical thoroughness, whether it be books, elements of nature, or even pieces of food.

However, according to Uncle Tyrian, there was a point where intelligence transcended from just being a collection of facts into being smart and able to do something with those facts. As he described it, what he truly felt allowed someone to graduate from just being intelligent to being truly smart was the ability to take the facts he had and make informed and accurate deductions based off of them.

It was a sentiment Clover found himself strongly agreeing with, and within the confines of his tower, Clover was confident that he encompassed what it meant to be a smart man rather than just an intelligent one. The tower was a finite space with only so many components to make deductions and inferences based off of. It was only natural that he would master anything brought into it if not immediately, then soon after.

That said, Clover was no longer in his tower. He was in a world that felt infinite, a world with people, people he didn’t necessarily understand on anything more than a linguistic level. As he had to constantly remind himself, he was playing by new rules, rules he might end up failing at grasping.

As much as he wished it wasn’t the truth, Clover had reason to doubt whether or not he would truly prove to be smart outside of the tower. Uncle Tyrian had never used the word ‘smart’ to describe Clover before, even while he dutifully stayed in his home. Clover never let himself think too much on that fact, mostly attributing that to a belief that there was just never a time for it to naturally come up. However, there was a second possible reason, once Clover never wanted to acknowledge despite the fact that it may very well have been frustratingly true -- even if Uncle Tyrian thought Clover was smart within the tower, he might not have felt like he was or would ever be smart outside of it, and didn’t want to encourage the growth of undeserved cockiness over a matter that could very well be the difference between life and death by saying otherwise.

It made sense. After all, Uncle Tyrian always told him that for as intelligent as he was, the outside world would eat his naivety and inexperience alive without so much as a second thought, and it wasn’t like he was great at the outside humor his uncle used. If that was anything to go by, then Uncle Tyrian was probably right to not call him as such. 

Nevertheless, the outside world was what he was to traverse through in order to see the floating lanterns, and so for once, he would put all he had in his brain to the ultimate test. 

Clover guessed the moment of truth for that matter was now at hand.

Since leaving the tower, Clover hadn’t had much of a chance to make deductions, at least not the kind that would do him all that much good in the world beyond his tower. He noticed things about the forest and caves, but once they got to the capital or even lunch, it was anyone’s guess -- least of all, Clover’s --  as to what he’d be able to infer about his surroundings.

However, there was one deduction-based decision that he made inside the tower that the fallout of which was still playing out even well outside its boundaries -- the decision to trust one Qrow Branwen.

Trusting Qrow Branwen proved to be a mixed bag, and something told Clover that an answer to whether or not choosing to trust him was a good idea wouldn’t reveal itself for some time yet. He was no doubt both intelligent and smart regarding the ways of the outside world as well as modestly crafty -- if only because of that amazing weapon of his -- but he had also proved himself wily, slippery, and odd in his mannerisms  -- not to mention far more smug than he had any right being. 

Even beyond that though, since he met Qrow, there was one thing about him that had nagged at Clover in much the same way Raven nagged at him every morning for her breakfast.

Qrow had told Clover he’d been chased, and escaping his pursuer or pursuers was his sole motivation for climbing Clover’s tower. Clover had no trouble believing that was true, especially when supplemented by Qrow’s lack of awareness over his semblance.

However, that begged the question as to who or what he was escaping from in the first place.

Right after Clover stuffed Qrow’s unconscious form into his closet back in the tower, there was something that stuck out about him. Everything that Qrow seemed to have on his person made sense to be there -- his clothes, his weapon, his sheath, his cheekbones.

At least that seemed to be the case...until Clover found Qrow’s satchel.

The pin was weird enough, beautiful and refined, but crooked and shoddily made in the same breath, but Clover also realized as he was stashing it away that that pin wasn’t just the primary object in Qrow’s satchel -- it was the only thing in there.

Clover may not have left the tower in his life before just under two hours ago, but even he knew that when one traveled, they packed more in their bags than just a single pin, no matter how beautiful it was.

So what was Qrow’s relation to the pin in his satchel?

Frankly, he had a guess.

After all, Qrow was slippery, so if the circumstances behind what put that satchel in Qrow Branwen’s possession were what Clover thought they were, it wouldn’t exactly surprise him.

Still, as confident that Clover was about the truth of his guess, he had no concrete evidence, and while Clover had been proven right about a lot today, the only thing that had thrown him for a loop was just how non-threatening Qrow turned out to be. Sure, he was borderline shifty at times, but actively dangerous or malicious to Clover or his safety? No, Clover couldn’t say he was, so without any proof of his theory about Qrow’s immediate past before they met, he had to admit that he was in no place to impose such a judgment over his character. 

That proved to be the case until about fifteen minutes into their trek to go get lunch, when a chance gust of wind flew by the forest he and Qrow traversed through. While Clover still felt his heart soar with every blow that came his way, he had grown wonderfully accustomed to the feeling of the wind circling his body like an invisible arm cuddling his waist.

What he wasn’t used to was the flapping noise that it carried with it this time.

Clover knew what the flaps of birds’ wings sounded like. Even though Raven was flightless, he never let himself forget the day they met and the copious amount of flapping sounds he heard during her battle with the hawk. 

Whatever this noise was from, it wasn’t a bird.

No, Clover knew exactly what the sound was once he eliminated that possibility.

He looked out into the stretch of forest before him, studying the area until he found exactly what it was he was searching for. 

Perpendicular to the path he and Qrow were following, Clover spotted it still flapping a bit in the aftershock of the wind’s gust -- a piece of paper. 

Clover had heard the sound of flapping paper many times before, a sign that a storm might be on its way or just a quick means of ending his reading time prematurely. He knew the sound of it like the back of his hand.

The paper he saw stuck out from the edge of the tree’s curve, seeming to be attached to it.

Now that was an interesting sight. What was on it?

Clover and Raven exchanged intrigued expressions.

Even though it was off the path Qrow had directed them towards to go get lunch, Clover couldn’t help himself. When one only had a couple of days to make a lifetime’s worth of memories, diversions were only natural. Raven certainly seemed to have no objections to defying their guide and while Clover found their rivalry to be just a step or two above childish, he couldn’t argue with the excuse provided to go explore something.

Curious, Clover approached the paper.

“What’s this?” he asked, not so much to ask a question, but to make sure Qrow knew that they were taking a little detour. Judging by the loud sigh he heard immediately after he finished speaking, it seemed to do the trick perfectly.

Clover moved to the other side of the tree, placing his left index finger on the page to hold it steady as he looked at it.

And look at it he did. 

Clover had a feeling that he might have even been proved to be right about Qrow’s relationship to the pin in his satchel by the end of their trip, but he didn’t expect to be proven right in such a head-on way as looking directly at a wanted poster with Qrow’s face on it.

His deduction was right.

Turned out that he was smart after all.

From behind him, Clover could tell that Qrow had seen the poster’s contents as well, not only by the rustling of the bushes beside him, but by the mix of a tired sigh and a grunt that left his mouth. 

For a moment, Clover honestly didn’t know what to make of this development. Sure, Qrow had shown himself as nothing but non-threatening so far -- barring his reasoning for his weapon choice -- but that was when he had something akin to anonymity on his side. Now, stripped of that, Clover would’ve been lying if he said that more than a few questions didn’t pop up in his mind during those first few seconds after sensing his presence.

Was knowing this detail about Qrow so plainly to his face going to affect the person Clover thought him to be? Was there a threatening side to Qrow that this bit of information was possibly going to bring out of him? Had Qrow been lying about not knowing Clover’s semblance, planning on taking him somewhere he could better defeat him?

No, none of that felt right, but all the same, Qrow clearly wasn’t happy about this poster’s existence, nor likely the fact that Clover had now seen it.

Qrow mumbled something, something that despite their relative proximity to each other, Clover couldn’t quite make out.

“What did you say?” Clover asked as he turned to look at his traveling companion, trying heroically to keep the faltering of his nerves at bay.

Once more, Qrow mumbled something, but like before, Clover still couldn’t hear it, apart from one word: ‘thief.’

Was he trying to own up to being a thief, or deny it?

Clover had no idea.

“Come again?”

This time, Qrow groaned, loudly and openly.

“I’m not a thief!” he all but shouted. “I’m a bandit! There’s a difference!” Qrow didn’t even look like he was yelling at Clover, but rather the poster on the tree.

Clover’s eyebrow raised as a wave of incredulousness came over him.

He couldn’t be serious, could he?

“That’s what you’re upset about?” 

Clover couldn’t keep his disbelieving tone out of his voice, so he didn’t even try not to.

“It’s my brand!” Qrow shot back without missing a beat.

Nothing but sputters left Clover’s mouth as he tried to figure out how to even begin to unpack Qrow’s words. “You’re on a wanted poster!” 

That felt the most appropriate.

Qrow waved a dismissive hand. 

“I’ve been on those for years,” he said. He then turned back to the poster with a vicious glare. “But despite that, those idiots in the royal guard always get my title wrong!” Clover suddenly felt very tired, in much the same way Qrow was when this conversation started, but for vastly different reasons. 

For Gods’ sake...

“Bandit,” Qrow sneered, continuing his rant against the papery culprit. “Not a thief! Ban-dit. Ban-dit. There’s a difference.” Qrow slapped the poster, and Clover fought the urge to laugh.

It was a fight he largely lost.

“Not really,” he said, chuckling all the while.

Qrow’s sneer stayed present on his face, but directed itself at its new target -- Clover.

“Yes, really,” he argued back.

“Look, Qrow,” Clover said, his confidence overwhelmingly self assured in that moment. “I grew up reading a dictionary for fun. There’s virtually no difference between the two words.”

Qrow seemed like he was about to argue back, but Clover’s words looked to give him a moment’s pause.

“A dictionary?” he asked, clearly confused. Clover honestly couldn’t blame him. Even with his inexperience with other people, he knew that dictionaries were odd things to study so carefully as to point out the distinction -- or in this case, lackthereof -- between two words.

“It’s hard to get books,” Clover argued, shrugging. “A dictionary was the best my uncle could do.”

“Hard to get books?” Qrow asked, incredulousness now lacing his voice like dirt laced the bottom of a boot. “You can just go to the book store and get some. It’s not exactly physics. I swear to the Gods, you just keep getting stranger by the second.”

For a second, Clover was struck in a not-at-all small amount of shock. 

Were they really as easy to get as Qrow said they were? It didn’t seem like he had a reason to lie. The secret, a secret that Clover could tell Qrow was barely trying to keep the longer they traveled together, was now exposed in the most blatant manner possible.

But if Qrow wasn’t lying, then what did that mean? Why did Uncle Tyrian say he had such trouble getting books if they were apparently as easy to obtain as just about anything else?

Perhaps Uncle Tyrian just didn’t want to risk being recognized by people as the man who knew the location of the lucky baby?

Yes, that made sense.

Well, not fully, but it made enough sense for now.

As Clover recovered from his miniature revelation, he scoffed. “At least I’m not throwing a tantrum because only a synonym of my favorite word was used on a wanted poster and not -- oh, I don’t know -- the fact that you’re on a wanted poster!”

Qrow returned the scoff. “As if they could even get me.”

“I got you,” Clover pointed out, smirking. 

“I said it before -- I was distracted and you got lucky. It wouldn’t happen again.” 

Clover groaned under his breath, careful to keep his smirk up. There Qrow went, walking right into the word ‘lucky’ as if it was a lake filled with those poorly put together emerald pins. More so the fact that each use was a coincidence than anything is what drove Clover crazy.

Who managed to do that accidentally so many times?

Qrow pointed to the poster. “The guards in the kingdom have been trying to arrest me for years now, but to no success,” he continued, oblivious to Clover’s silent plight. “And it’s not like they could with how wrong they got my hair. Newsflash -- it’s not that messy!” Once more, he shouted that sentiment not at Clover, but at the poster.

Clover’s smirk immediately dissolved into a laughter-filled smile.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about! They got your hair perfectly!” he barked. Remembering himself, Clover settled down somewhat. “But I knew it! That pin in your satchel -- You stole it!”

“It’s n-!” Qrow looked like he wanted to finish that thought, but seemingly decided it wasn’t worth his or Clover’s time judging by the dismissive wave of his hand. “Well, what of it, smarty pants?” he defensively asked instead.

“Stealing is wrong!”

“Maybe it is --”

“It absolutely is.” Clover interjected, giving Qrow a deadpan look that practically screamed ‘even I know that.’ 

Qrow just shrugged before continuing.

“Look muscles, if it’ll help you sleep any better, I didn’t exactly put a poor family out on the streets by stealing it. I nabbed it off of some rich general. He’s got plenty to live off of, even without it. If anything, I’m actually making use out of the thing instead of continuing to let it collect dust in some attic like it was -- good for the economy, you know?” Clover’s expression stayed the same -- positively deadpanned. Qrow rolled his eyes. “Well, think what you want, smarty pants. Once I get that satchel back, I’m gonna be one rich man. Now, come on.”

Despite Qrow’s dismissive attitude towards the nickname he bestowed onto Clover, Clover himself couldn’t help but smile as he followed Qrow’s lead.

‘Smarty pants.’

Was it the most mature of nicknames? No.

Hell, in just about every way, he even preferred ‘muscles’ to it, though he’d never admit it to Qrow’s face. At least that one was specific to himself and not as much of a mouthful as ‘smarty pants.’

However, what it lacked in elegance or cleverness, it more than made up for in meaning. ‘Smarty pants’ in that moment had an extra level of meaning to Clover, something Qrow likely ran into by accident, but was all the same appreciated. To Clover, it meant that he might actually be smart enough to get by in the outside world after all, and maybe even for more than just this trip to see the lanterns.

Clover’s stomach growled. The detour was nice, but it was now time to get a move on and get some lunch.

Full of confidence from Qrow’s unintentional validation, Clover suddenly found the prospect of talking to other people a little bit less scary, provided they weren’t any more intimidating than Qrow had shown himself to be thus far.

“So, what’s the name of the place we’re going to for lunch?” Clover asked, happy to see Qrow perk up at his question.

“Oh, you’ll love it. It’s a quaint little place called Lil’ Miss Malachite’s.”

[whosxafraid]

holy christmas dudes....has it really been two years already? i mean i feel like it was yesterday i hesitantly made this blog without any real hope anyone would want to interact with this over sized old man but needing to make the blog anyway because the fecker wouldn’t be quiet---but here we are...and just damn.

Ｇｉｖｅａｗａｙ Ｇｕｉｄｅｌｉｎｅｓ：

Give away begins: now - 03/25/19 Give away ends : 6:00pm EST - 03/29/19

1. One like/re-blog per blog.

 I get really turned around and easily confused so please make this  easier on me and only either re-blog the post or like the post.   But only do either one once.          

2. Must be following Luka and be an RP blog in order to participate.

Please don’t just follow to participate in the giveaway, okay? I can’t control you following and then un-following but its super   rude and just karma’s a bitch okay?

3. I need a week or so to get the prizes out after the giveaway ends.

 Bare with me. I keep my promises it just takes me time.

4. Winners will be chosen using the random number generator. Keeps everything nice and fair :)

5. If you are a multi-muse and win, please be prepared to chose one of your muses for icons made.

6. If you win and your muse’s fc is not well known or has little screen time, please be prepared to help me out if I can’t find suitable resources on my own for graphics/icons/etc.

7. If you win and you have a favorite picture or resource(aka movie/episode/etc) in which your muse’s fc is portrayed please feel free to let me know!

8. If you win please be prepared to provide a primary color and/or scheme you would like the graphics/icons to have.

ＰＲＩＺＥＳ:

1st Place: 1 promo graphic, 1 set of Online/Offline/Lurking/Drafts banners, 25 [200x100] icons, psd and watermarked with your chosen letter(s).

2nd Place: 1 promo graphic and 25 [200x100] icons, psd and watermarked with your chosen letter(s). .

3rd Place: 1 promo graphic

                                                    ƓƠƠƊ ԼƲƇƘ!

follow forever beneath the cut

@brooklynislandgirl / @tarnishedhalo / @quothesquills

yes hi i love you always? lol thank you for being my partner is so many fictional crimes. for being a like minded cray like me but also constantly teaching me and bettering me as a person literally every day. i love how we can finish each other sentences sometimes, and are so alike and then completely different so we end up seeing more angles to things. you can put me in tears one second and then rip my soul out the next. i like u, ur a good. so ur kinda stuck with me. stay you cuz otherwise im gonna be feckin lost. 

@morgansmornings

also yes hello is this thing on? I LOVE YOU. yer a fecking gem of a human being and while u may not need me too i will go to war with my bat swinging for u always. you make me laugh when i wanna cry and always are an ear when i need to vent. i love ur imagination and ur brain and i can not gush enough about how amazing ur muse is. its takes someone extraordinary to make someone extraordinary. and your muse is extraordinary. remember that if nothing else. besties always cuz im keeping u sorry not sorry.

@seanceisms / @umbrellakidstm / @wolventm / @scciopath

fucking beautiful human being you are okay. i love you always and i will follow you across any blog you ever make. and that sounded way less stalkerish in my head but whatever you get it. u can’t escape me LOL. always an ear and always a joy to talk to even when we’re doing nothing but trading pictures or headcanons or screaming about stupidity we find or murdering each other with feels. 

@riggsanity

my dude ur a fecking treasure. ur humor is sharp and i love that. your amazing at your hobby and i love every reply i get from you. i love that we can have conversations that stretch over hours because we both get distracted or get busy but we always know where we’re at.  ur fantastic and im blessed to have met you.

@mynameisanakin

there are too many inside jokes and not enough time to list them all. this is a friendship that i fucking love and never wanna lose. ur unique and ur a fecking trip and i LOVE that about you. the sometimes brutal honesty is refreshing to say the least, and i can not word how much i love our thread and our future plots. stay golden like the sand in our Jamaican no fig capes. ;)

@the-blackest-spider

holy balls dude like how long have we known each other at this point? i cant even remember. all i know is i love u and i know we dont talk as much as we used too but i love that we can pick up right where we left off when we do and there’s not a beat missed. ur brilliant and will always ALWAYS be ‘my natasha’. 

@tabbyrp and  @corinnebaileyrp

you two are gifts okay. always have something kind to say to me. always checking on me when my ooc posts get a little weird and sideways. (more than usual anyway). i love both of you and i love our plots and threads. every single one. -throws cookies at both with exuberance- 

@thor-theavengergod

one of my closest dudes.i miss ur thor so much. but im glad we can stay connected on discord. ur artwork is GLORIOUS and always a joy to see pop up on my dash. you’re always an ear and never afraid to say what you think. and that’s really rare in this day and age. Keep being amazing my dude. u shine and it shows!

@bettershotthanbucky | @edithbarton / @hitslikeatruck / @mutatiiions

okay but like world of an au and plot we built i love it. you dudes are fucking beautiful and will always be my bartons(and wolverine/Piotr/and the rest). always. we dont always talk or are in each others day to day but when we do it’s always a riot. you guys are my dudes, dudes. never ever ever ever forget that. i’ll always be here for u dudes. whenever u need me and i know u’ll be the same for me cuz that’s just how ride or die dudes roll. -all the hugs-

@daggermxchanic

man let me talk about how fucking great it is to get to write luka with someone close to where he’s from even if it’s not the same time frame. Its amazing. I love your muse and i love the oppertunities he gives me to explore other facets of luka. Two grumpy old men never gets old and i LOVE ALL OF IT. ur a fucking amazing and don’t let no body tell u different my dude. ur classic.

@deathisachoice

okay we interact more on my pirate blog but fuck it i do what i want. im so glad u were able to finish ur thesis. im glad its behind u and that weight has been lifted. im super excited to get to talk to u more again and make awesome plots for our pirates (and maybe here too). either way ur writing is amazing and so are u. always a joy to talk to and write with!!

@ruthlessmeans / @mockeryofreason

okay but i love u alot. and i wish i could bat away all the bad that’s been happening as of late. just teach it a lesson so it fucks off permanently. but as i cant all i can do is offer cookies and remind u ur loved. i admire the decidcation that u have to ur muses. i love how u think through every angle and facet of them. that speaks volumes about u as a person. keep ur chin up my dude. ur silver lining is coming.

@canadianclaws

not so much rp’ing anymore but we stay in touch over discord and u literally NEVER fail to make me laugh even when i don’t want too or i’m feeling like something four days dead. i absolutely adore u and our friendship and i love that we can just drop funny fucking shit in our chat at random hours on any given day and its no big ya know? JUST LOVE U A LOT -tackle squishes-

@cochetsharpshooter

one of my best dudes and a fucking peach too boot. always uplifting and always the best gifs. years of jokes lbr and no enough angst and time in the day to write it all every probably. u are my bucky, always and forever. never lose ur wonder and ur drive my dude. ur inspiring. truly.

@ronmanmob

a gift with words right here. dedication to your muse on a level i’ve never seen. its phenomenal. always good vibes to talk to, always up beat. its honestly wonderful that we’re mutuals. always love reading your rps and ur blog is general is epic. keep it up. ur a gem.

@noprodigalson

life has gotten busy for u. taken u in different directions and that’s just something that happens. that’s life. but getting to see u pop up on my dash now and then. little updates and fashion drops it warms me up. ur style sense is amazing and so is ur hair. (yes i still want those pants). ur a beautiful human and hopefully life will let u get back to ur hobby here real soon. all my love my dude!

To all my of my followers: 

you all brilliant lights in the world, in your own ways. Never, ever, EVER forget that. you are amazing. you are all special. to me and the other people in your lives that mean the most. stay frosty. and KEEP WRITING. ALWAYS KEEP WRITING. NO MATTER WHAT. NO MATTER THE TRIALS. KEEP WRITING!!  because remember there was a time when the world thought Van Gogh wasn’t worth anything at all and now he’s a house hold name even little kids know who he is. 

BE BRAVE

BE CREATIVE

BE YOU NO MATTER WHAT

-Crow

[flow-green]

Crafted earrings, cooked and danced around the room

I should write more often already because this way I get my fingers all nicely warmed up. Can’t complain though, I cannot remember when Estonia had this crispy cold winters with huge snowpiles up to your bellybutton. At least inside it is so nice to be mesmerized by the rising sun rays over sparkling snow fields, all while curled up under a blanket with a hot cup of coffee. Not really into spending more  than half an hour outside with this cold, as my skii trousers have mysteriously disappeared after not needing them for years.

After those coffee and meditation mornings I have a whole hour to enjoy online fitness classes held by all of my favourite trainers. So thankful they have released online platform. Yes, Youtube channels for work outs are good, but they cannot even comprehend with community and people I have worked out with for years.

Oh, I love Fridays. Mostly because, of course, it marks the end of the workweek and all the stress load on my shoulder gets a decent relief. The end of last year started to go crucially out of hands regarding to work hours. I believed I am extra productive and a good asset for the company with my over-hours after 6 PM, and weekends when I assisted translators with their issues, replied to clients’ and colleagues’ e-mails; I started my workdays right after waking up at 7 AM. I felt so proud. That until I got a note that I have spent shorter AFK periods in our office communication platform and I should work more harder, and that I have to stay available all the time. I awarded myself with a few longer and frequent stretching moments away from keyboards so I wouldn’t completely lose my mind. That comment made me realize that my over-hours benefited no one and they will be left unnoticed. So from this moment on I stayed strictly in my official office hours. And it has paid off at maximum. I am more productive and motivated, more enthusiastic. At the end of the year the times were extremely busy and I was overflown with work, burning out was only a stretch away, but following the working hours and taking mandatory lunch breaks every day made it all synchronize and it went so well. I have learned the hard way that personal time and work time have to be separated. My days were starting to mix into a blurry mess. Even Fridays were nothing special for me as I knew I will work on weekends anyway. Needless to say it all started to negatively affect my personal life and escalated in nasty fights.

Now that I have strictly separated my work and personal time, I feel so-o-o good. Fridays are once again one of my favourite days in week and the entire workday flows with a positive vibe. Today is no exception. I am so ready for the weekend!

This week was overally satisfying as the corona restrictions are being eased bit by bit. For example, gyms and fitness classes are again back in business. This means that finally I can get back to one of my primary passions, instructing BodyBalance classes. Every Tuesday and Wednesday I have my BodyBalance classes, Wednesdays being my favourite as then, I have my favourite people in front of me and I realized this week, how much I missed it. I have always thought that I am quite good at coaching, but this Wednesday I got an ultimate compliment that as soon as I step into instructor role, I transform completely into someone else: I glow, am confident, cheerful. This side of me can rarely be seen in other moments. I guess this shows that working as a trainer is an ultimate passion. Sad though that I cannot spread it wider. I try of course. Before initial corona crisis I was almost through the door to Estonia’s biggest fitness club MyFitness. Anyway, this compliment sparked such an inspiring fire in me that I think I performed my best class ever. The energy I get from these hours are crucially needed. For several evenings now I have silly-danced through our rooms, singing loudly to all the pop songs I hear; made silly jokes. And just laughed and laughed. I cannot remember when was the last time I laughed truly from the bottom of my heart so that tears were in my eyes.

One of my goals for this year was picking up a new hobby. For my surprise, I started to follow this goal so early in this year. I got invited to join a workshop for crafting earrings from clay. I am not that artsy and crafty, with a small exception of drawing, in which I am still a complete newbie. Usually I am always excited when an opportunity like this presents itself, but when the actual time comes to show up, I bail. Not this time, I told myself and went for it. Working with clay was a totally unfamiliar area for me, except that one time when I made a really weird looking coffee mug in one of the clay workshops. God forbid I ever show this to anyone...

Anyway, the workshop was the bomb! There were 20 people, most of them already quite experience with clay crafting. I felt really self-aware and awkward but when I got my hands on the first small piece of multicolour clay which I soon crafted into two tiny hearts, I felt so calm. It was like an art therapy. Two hours later I waltzed out with 3 pairs of earrings in my hand. Those butterfly wings came out silly-looking as if the poor butterfly were mauled by a cat or something. But I got an excitement to actually pick it up myself, so I should buy some colour clay, moulds and decorations. Look at me, being all spiritual artsy self-developer ‘n stuff

As it’s Friday, I stepped onto the scale this morning. A decent 500g drop in weight, which made me feel quite neutral, and thus I continued my morning without thinking about it. I am not sure where this complete peace with my weight came, so suddenly, but I feel so free. True, few  times a week these demons still haunt me, especially when That Time of the Month is lurking nearby and even a slice of cucumber makes me feel I am fat, but I understand almost instantly that this is just a silly evil entity in my brain, trying to stab me with its knives. This does not make me feel any pain anymore, rather just an annoying poke which I forget almost instantly. There is so much more than that in life, not related to the random number on my scale. I feel strong and more confident than I have felt in years. I am so grateful that I am not a lonely slave to mind anymore, that I have someone I can rely on, that I have a roof over my head, seriously fulfilling healthy foods on my table and a stable working opportunity that does not seem to shrink in its scope anytime soon. Everything else is an additional bonus and my gut is telling me things will get even better.

Ah, right, one of the highlights of this week was me finally getting my long-missed new running steeds: Nike Air Pegasus Shield 37. The only running shoe model which makes me feel like I run on clouds and makes the running even in the craziest monsoons feel like a stroll in the park no matter the temperature outside. I have not yet tested them out yet though, as the roads are insanely slippery and Coach Bennet from NRC is stressing out the strict rule not to run on ice. Thus, I have taken some off-time from running and instead continuing the oh-so amazing workouts from  Netfit. Old version of me would have probably drowned in the pool of tears from regrets of not running, but current me doesn’t let it bring me down. I am so active with other things and this is more than enough. Who knows, perhaps the longer break from running actually brings back the long-lost passion for it and kick-starts the activity with a fresh energy.

Now, about food. The second week is almost over filled with foods that I used to fear and now make me happy instead. My morning indulgent is a breakfast with overnight oats that I have tuned up to taste as delicious as ever. Yesterday lunch I got a sudden craving for fresh berry smoothie so I think I made the best smoothie ever out of strawberries, bananas, cinnamon and ginger. The ratio was so on point. Smoothie was also one of my fear foods: is liquid, filled with carb-y calories and will not fill me up. Boy, what was wrong with me?

Yesterday I made another slow-cooker crockpot stew which has become a hero of dinners. I think my newly-discovered passion for cooking has made me test out flavours more confident and thus, this time the stew came out so good I ate Once again I’d like to say how good I physically feel. After a hearty dinner with belly nicely full, I do feel random panic shivers that I probably just gained 4 kg and everyone can see my belly twice the size it was 30 minutes ago, but this idiotic thinking disappears surprisingly fast. Most of the  time I feel that my body is happy, I have energy for the entire day from 7 AM I tip my toes onto the floor and until 11 PM when my head finally touches the pillow. Before, I had these eating-triggered depression exhaustions, when I just wanted to sleep off every lunch break,  but no, this wasn’t an option so instead, I forced myself into running and I came back, feeling even more exhausted an unhappy.

Netfit workouts in the mornings are like a nectar to my soul. I cannot remember when was the last time I truly ENJOYED my morning work-outs when I did not remind myself every second of it that I NEED to push myself to maximum because yesterday’s dinner calories must be destroyed. It’s amazing how much can your mind-set change the quality of your life.

I have a secret fear that this happiness will be a short-term break. I have had these good periods in the past as well and after a few weeks I am back in my old black corner, but I don’t know... this time I honestly feel that perhaps this here now is permanent and what if the jigsaw pieces are finally starting to come together...

Today, I actually wanted to post my 100 goals for the year. I guess next time then. Don’t want to crash Tumblr in one go.

[honestlyvan]

@humxo replied to your post: After talking about this with Snazz, I feel like I...

honestly like. ao3 isn’t the best kind of platform for the writing i enjoy most, and isn’t a social platform meant for clicking and engaging in that way. the…“emotional labor” of fandom is disappearing, i guess. it’s becoming a toxically masculinized space somehow emotionally. as a sidenote, consider…in context of these very real fandom problems, and your depression and anxiety stuff, the way you’ve dropped outlets and hobbies out of a sense of…not putting enough labor in them, as you say it, and therefore “not counting”     yr brain weasels might be making it worse by degrading your efforts, the skills given by previous practice/experience, and getting hit hard by shoddy criticisms made in bad faith. if so, i hope that context is a helpful one for how to find your happiest road forward.   

Yeah. I don't know how and I don't know why, but at some point that culture of conversation that made fandom such a good place to be died, and IDK, I guess some form of socialisation has taken the place of what I’m used to but IDK how to approach it, I don’t know how to engage in it, I don’t know what to do about it.

The conversations aren’t about the things anymore, and honestly on Tumblr they never really were? When I started my Tumblr I started it as a way to have my personal shit away from the fandom shit I’d keep in my other accounts, the proper accounts, the accounts that I eventually lost interest in because nobody was commenting or hitting me up to talk about things anymore.

At first I just tried to approach it like I did with other fandom platforms -- hit people up for conversations, reblog their shit, send them asks, chat them up, but most of those efforts have gone absolutely nowhere and/or have lead to people actively shunning me.

And y’know... it’s not hard for me to just write all of that up as “I’m just unpleasant, that’s why people don’t like me”. That’s not a stretch, that doesn’t get into the larger social dynamics of fandom, it concerns the one thing I actually have control over and for my entire life, that’s how I’ve improved at shit. People don’t like you because you’re bad, better yourself and they’ll like you.

But what with all the posts (not even conversations, b/c Tumblr is not a platform for conversations) about how the piss-poor feedback culture of modern fandom is doing damage to the broader fic-writing culture, it feels like it has to be more complicated than that. Because you’re absolutely right that the “value” of intellectual labour, of meta and analysis and fic, has fucking plummeted as the fandom culture has moved to become more passive, more about observing than about engaging. Previously, commenting was all you could do but now seeing and then maybe clicking like/kudos has become the norm.

And a part of me feels like I’m just a fucking dinosaur for not getting with the times and not making my stuff more quick and simple and fun and joining the shitposting parade, but that same part of me feels like I should just get serious about art and animation and get people interested that way, but neither of those would bring the sort of conversations and the sort of interaction I really miss.

Fandom has become an incredibly socially isolating experience for me, when it’s been my primary form of social interaction for over a decade at this point, but at the same time I don’t really see this happening to anyone else who’s been around for as long as I have and has the same kind of experience with fandom as I do, which then pushes me back into just thinking that it’s probably just my overall inability to be a functional human being that is causing this.