#wish me luck on that diabetes test thingy

[sparklyoats]

Got some food and coffee... and i might even have time for a nap before the next pregnancy related meeting 😇

[sunflowerstationary]

Dearest darlingest Ivy,

Finally replying to this, oops.

The new tag is "you are the reason that i'm smiling when there is nothing to smile about", because that line always makes me think of you (lyrics from the Front Bottoms song "Peach") Dw about it being long, it will pop up when you start typing it :L

I haven't typed anything huge and long on tumblr in a while and I guess with the new phone, since it barely ever crashes I got cocky. I forgot this app is just generally shit and not only because my old phone didn't have enough space to run it lol RIP me.

Oh well.

I know it's ok to bomb my first driving test but like... I just... want it to be done with ;_; I really do not want to have to repeat it, if only because it will be hell on my nerves.

Guess I just need to schedule it and then practice my face off until then. SIGH.

I feel for you so much about the kitties. I felt like the worst cat mom in the fucking world not seeing him every day, and now I get to spoil him with treats and bits of my buttery spaghetti and he has a nice fluffy bed to sleep on that's right next to my head in our bed. And re: having nowhere to sit, GOD OMG I KNOW. We don't really have anything to sit on here either. Idk if you noticed when you were in here but there's like no furniture except the two couches that were left here by the last people, and no carpet in any of the rooms.

For a while I was rolling out a yoga mat and just sprawling on that in the computer room while Steve played his game, but now I mostly just grab a blanket to cushion the chair.

The not knowing who's going to be home thing sounds like the story of my life :/ I'm glad I don't have to worry about that anymore, but I'm sorry you do. I wish that you could move out and say fuck it all. Is Kevin working still?

It's nice that there's three of them. Like you said, they can keep each other company... especially Cali and Sandstorm, since they're so close. I'm a little worried that Scrap is lonely here. I mean, he gets lots of attention, but he's used to having other animals around.

Steve has mentioned a few times moving his friend Abdel in with us, and while I like Abdel, I really do not think I can live with him. I'm a lot better than I used to be but I am NOT about living with strangers. That's one of the reasons I had so much trouble deciding where to go to college back when I was planning on it, because I wanted to be as far from home as physically possible but I didn't know how to do it without having to live with some random people in a dorm or something. I like having the freedom to walk around naked, yk? Plus - and maybe this is selfish but - I already have to compete with Steve's games for attention half the time, and I'm needy, and I just. Don't want to have to deal with that.

He's not the date type of guy, he's a hermit, so we spend most of our quality alone time at home. Is it bad that I don't want to give that up?

You know, I know you're busy but Duo is pretty relaxed. You can set it so that you only have to practice once daily for five minutes if you really want to, which is probably slow but definitely manageable. I do it on the highest practice setting there is and it's still pretty relaxed, it only takes 25 mins out of my day in 5 min increments.

Ughhhhhh god, homerow giving me war flashbacks to my keyboarding class in 10th grade. Good luck.

That sounds like the way I feel about Olivia... it's bittersweet, isn't it? Like the drama is all over now and you want to make something more out of it, and rebuild and maintain a friendship like you used to have, like you feel the potential still there but it's old and probably not worth it now that you've moved on. But.

You know? I barely think of Liv most of the time but she's still there in the background.

Idk. Maybe we'll get our second chance someday.

Rayzel always struck me as a cool but distant person, yeah. I'm glad you have someone to talk to though. I know I can't always be helpful when it comes to Kevin and I feel bad about that sometimes.

Defaulting to sleep rather than self destructing is my middle name. Seriously, I just conked out for two hours because I was feeling angsty about work and feeling like a failure because I haven't been as productive as I wanted to be this week.

Ffffff, why do they always do that to you? Wait to give you hours until you're back in school full time. The fuck.

Scrappy used to piss on everything, if you remember. He hasn't in years though. Since we fixed him I think. Is it normal for diabetic cats to do that? Or maybe it's because you've got a small herd... Trouble used to pee in my room for seemingly no reason and I always suspected it was a territorial thing.

I don't know how to advise you on the Kevin-monogamy situation, really... I don't know if there's necessarily a good way of going about it. It's very murky. Do you think that you'll marry him? I definitely know what it's like to be super codependent, and I know that's not necessarily a horrible thing... Idk. I mean Elizabeth really didn't like the nonmonogamy thing either, I guess the difference was that since she lived far away she didn't feel like she could tell me no, but if she had lived here I think she would have been more up front about that from the get-go. We never really resolved it. I fall for most people I get close to too, but I guess after everything with Nic and Chris and all that shit, I've just been.. totally exhausted. Like, I've pretty much accepted that I have a limited number of slots in my life in terms of people I can be close to and love properly, and between you and Steve and Elizabeth I'm probably near capacity.

I want you to have the options I did, but I dunno how to make that happen for you. It sounds like the conversation has just gotten tiring for both of you.

If you want to get high, I have weed. Lol. I don't know if I could get more but I definitely have enough to smoke you up and maybe me. The only thing is we'll have to do joints, because I don't have a pipe, but I have rolling papers and determination.

I used to be really uncomfrtable with high people too but I definitely have calmed down since I actually experienced it.

Not that I'm any better, but you shouldn't have to be like... conveniently accessible for people to enjoy your company. You deserve more than that. Don't your coworkers ever ask you about your life??? Maybe physical correspondence would help, yeah. It's a lot easier to be free with your thoughts when you're just writing them all down, although sometimes it's hard to send them afterward.

You're gonna have to remind me again to look up Kate Bush because I'm never going to remember. Sounds vaguely familiar though.

Team projects still give me nightmares and I don't think I've done one in four years D: Ugh, god. More reasons for me to procrastinate on College Stuff.

Did you end up under sharing or over sharing? I feel ur pain.

Man, between you and Elizabeth I'm so damn jealous, you're both taking the best classes... she was just telling me last night that her class was talking about the societal compulsory gendering of children.

Elaborate on "finger thingies".

Abnormal psych sounds like a phenomenal class and I'm double jealous now. Not of all your projects though. The way you describe that teacher reminds me of my English teacher in 9th grade, I can't remember her name but we used to call her Skeletor. Fourteen year olds are mean, in hindsight... she was a really nice lady. A little nervous.

I suppose Ed isn't the worst man in the world, but they don't all have to be raging dickwads like my father to be worth tossing out... I just hope your mom doesn't adjust to the wrong things about him, you know? It's one thing to get used to someone's annoying habits and another entirely to get used to being controlled bit by bit.

My dad is mad at me and I know because he hasn't texted me to coerce me into getting dinner in months. Lol. I think it's because I ditched him for a graduation party I said I'd go to, or maybe my brother has a big mouth and said something about me not wanting to hang out with him (or, also possible, my grandma has a big mouth and she told him that me and Steve aren't super impressed with him as a person... last time I visited her she was telling us about how my dad used to put a picture of my moms face on his punching bag, and we were both like "wow he's a dick" which she for some reason didn't seem to agree with. idk man.)

The cat tree thing sounds really great but I dunno if I feel okay letting you do all that for me for nothing... I would probably want to pay you guys, which might defeat the purpose. Free carpet tho that's so excellent???

TJ seems mostly ok at work. Not that how anyone acts at work is necessarily a good measure of how they're holding up emotionally.

Tell me all about the bondage, omg. I've always wanted to get into it but Elizabeth and I broke up just as we were starting to poke around it.

I'm really sorry about Steve. He's really out of line and I honestly still don't understand why, I've tried to talk to him about it a few times but either he acts like he doesn't mind you or he gets annoyed and doesn't want to talk about it. I dunno if it's a jealousy thing or what. He sometimes acts the same way about Elizabeth, so I'm leaning towards yes. I find myself in a similar situation to you where I don't know if I should keep pushing it or not, like I don't know what I should be tolerating... and sometimes I almost wish that he would tell me not to sleep with other people, because as nice as it is that he's always told me that he wants me to do what makes me happy, I wish he was a bit more jealous. Not in a horrible way, just, like. Idk. I'm committed to being with Just Him right now and I wish he was. I want him to be a tiny bit possessive just as like, reassurance that he wants me and just me, you know?

But I digress. He shouldn't have said that to you. You were just trying to be a good friend to me and protect me. Idk what the fuck is wrong with him sometimes.

It's not your fault, I'm also terrible at communication, especially this past year or two. Things have just fallen apart so much. I think I'm starting to get back on my feet though (fingers crossed). We'll see how it goes. Coming up on my attempt anniversary again and I hope it doesn't make me freak out like t did last year.

I'll post the link separately, I'm afraid to leave the app for two seconds to find it while I'm typing this :')

I love you too! I hope this wasn't a lackluster reply, but it's almost 5am and I need to be up very soon unfortunately, so I'm going to take a nap and hope for the best.

~Tonio