#wow sorry about the Emotions everyone it's been a rough 12 months and it's only getting rougher

[tattedpetticoats]

I was tagged by the lovely @vintage-vermillion to tell you all my 2023 TBR (which I think stands for “to be read” list?). But the truth is I almost never actually have books in mind to read. I just pick up whatever is around with no forward-planning and dive in. I think mostly this appeals to me because nearly everything I do feels like it has some goal attached. The goal can be anything from “you need to do this work so you’ll get paid” to “you need to study this book so you’ll pass” to “you need to run the dishwasher so you have cutlery” to “you need to see every tumblr post on your dash or... Bad Things” and “you have to watch ALL of this youtube video you’re watching for entertainment”. And it’s utterly exhausting.

The one respite I have is that my brain doesn’t do this with books. Books will always be there. I can come back later. If I don’t finish it I might next week, or I might never, but whatever happens I can come back to it. In many cases, I already know how the story ends because I’ve read it often before.

So I have no goals with books in 2023. I might read hundreds. I might start reading hundreds and then not finish them. But I will enjoy them and treasure the fact that they give me this peace.

That being said, any recommendations?

[formerprincewille]

I was tagged by @pamouche and @borborai in this and I finally gotten around to doing it. Thanks so much!

Fav wtfock s3 things: honestly I could go on for hours about my love for this season it’s One of my favorite things to exist in the entire world. I have re-watched it so many times and it always leaves me feeling so happy. Some specifics: Robbe IJzermans, sweet sunshine, love and light of my life, I would throw myself in front of traffic for that boy I love him so much. He captured my heart in a way few ever have. This boy. He’s just such a caring and compassionate person. He’s got his little shit attitude, and he’s definitely a tiny brat, but he is also so full of love to give. I love that he’s not flashy. He’s not somebody that a lot of people are going to notice in a crowd. He’s overlooked by everyone, including his friends. But when you get to know him you see how remarkable he is, because few people are that genuinely good. And the way he grew from hurt and lonely and angry and afraid to happy and confident and not only accepting but proud of who he is makes me cry happy tears. He’s just the best. But the other best is the yin to his yang, his beautiful, wonderful, cool, bold, funny, sweet, and completely dorky art hoe of a soul mate, Sander Driesen. When I think of what my ideal Even would be, he is it. His heart is just right there for everyone to see and he doesn’t hide it. In fact he’s extra about showing it. He’s also vulnerable and needy and feels so very young to be going through such large struggles. He makes me laugh and cry and I would dive in front of the Skam France car for him as well. Love that kid so much. Sobbe. Do I really need to say it? Holy shit they are everything. Soulmates, best friends, loves of each other’s lives. Their chemistry is so good that it doesn’t even exist in this stratosphere. It’s otherworldly. The love that they feel for each other is tangible. They’re one of those couples that when I look at them I think “now those two are going to make it”. You can just feel it. They also somehow manage to hit on so many beloved fanfic tropes but remain realistic because it’s actually canon. Like when couples in fanfic will call each other pet names but it’s rare you actually see it in canon. But sobbe is like hold my beer and goes all out with it. The way they express their love to each other is exactly what the other one needs. Sander is loud end boisterous and goes all out to make it clear to Robbe and everyone else on earth how he feels about this boy. He gives him things to make him feel special and he’s full of affection for him. Robbe is also extremely affectionate, he tells Sander what he needs to hear to feel safe and loved and they love spending time together. Their love is a balm for one another that soothes them both. And it’s clear that neither of them need the other more nor ever did. They both needed one another and met at a time in our lives that they were both in pretty low places and were exactly what the other needed. And they always will be. Sorry, getting emotional again. They’re the otp to end all otps. 🥺 The Soundtrack. I love every single song on the soundtrack. All of them, and I listened to the soundtrack so much on my Spotify that my entire top songs of 2020 were made up of wtfock s3 songs. They not only have excellent musical choices, but they are all placed within scenes so well that they perfectly complement what is happening in the narrative at any given point. Casa Milan and Zoenne and Robbe aka Flatshare Fam. I want to live there. It is so warm, it is so inviting, and it is filled with such love. The support that Robbe got from Milan, Zoë, and Senne was unmatched. I don’t know where he would’ve been without it. Could you imagine if he had had to live with his dad? How differently his story could’ve ended up? Especially with Milan, having someone not much older than he is who has gone through a lot of the same things he has. He was such a big brother figure and mentor and I’m so glad Robbe had that.

Fav clip: Scuse me I’m not picking just one so Dinsdag 16:31, Zaterdag 09:41, Woensdag 21:21, Mandaag 11:03, Zaterdag 08:44 and Woensdag 16:36

Fav scene: Their Vrijdag 21:21 reunion, morning after, ohn/mbm, singing to a shoe, the hotel scenes, and the grocery store. I’m not really sure of the distinction between a scene and a clip 😂

Fav shot: Oh god don’t make me choose. Their hands in Dinsdag 16:31 is a big one. The dual mirror shots of Robbe after Milan tells him about gay pride before the attack to him bruised and battered after. When Robbe is kneeling down beside Sander in Mandaag 11:03. The shot of Milan, Robbe, and Sander playing the pandemic game all cozy by the Christmas tree. Any shots of Robbe and Sander making heart eyes and/or kissing. Any close ups of Robbe’s face and eyes bc Herbots, man. Good god he’s amazing.

Fav kiss that Robbe initiates: Woensdag 21:21, Dinsdag 07:27 and Woensdag 17:21

Fav kiss that Sander initiates: Zaterdag 09:41, Dinsdag 16:31, and Vrijdag 21:21

Fav Sander dialogue: Can I say everything? Okay okay, I’ll give some examples. “Wow, that’s expensive!” “You and me, a hundred percent forever, in every universe.” “I’m holding onto you and I’m never letting go of you.” “🎵Ground control to major Tom. Circuit dead there’s something wrong.🎵” “Are you going to leave me behind?” (🥺) “Zero stars on booking.com.” “The moonlight was shining down on you and I knew immediately ‘he is the one’.” “Get ready to be mindblown!” “All the way or no way.” “Take it or leave it, eh?” “You could try bribing the teacher.” “Robin.” Also literally everything he said during wtfockdown because there’s not a moment where he isn’t iconic. But a really special moment, “Just because other people are close minded doesn’t mean that you should make your world smaller.”

Fav Robbe dialogue: “You touched me and I’ve never felt something like that.” “That kiss was really *head explosion noises*.” “Not in this universe.” “Sander, there is something between us. I love you.” “Jawel.” (I just love the way he says it, it’s so fuckin cute). “Fuck Chernobyl.” “Always.” And of course, his verse in eenvoud.

Fav hug: Mandaag 11:03 when Robbe holds a crying Sander. Also, does the spooning and cuddling in the hotel scenes and Dinsdag 07:27 count? Because I love that. Also Woensdag 17:21. Or really anytime Robbe is being a clingy koala. And we can’t forget his hug with Milan after he tells him about the attack. He really needed that comfort.

Fav 21:21: Nope. Nah in all seriousness they just hit different. Woensdag is my favorite in terms of clip alone because from beginning to end it is just so beautiful and perfect. The music, the tunnel, the pool, the kiss, just absolutely gorgeous. But at that time everything was still really new between them and the aftermath of that was rough. Vrijdag is my favorite clip in terms of what it means for Robbe and Sander. The clip itself is shorter, but it has much larger impact in terms of sobbe’s relationship. It’s not just their first time physically, but their emotional declaration to one another as well. It comes with a commitment. Also them falling off the bed laughing is the greatest thing ever. They are so HAPPY. So basically my answer is both, just in different ways.

Fav Sobbe instagram pic: Why are all these questions so mean? Okay- their first one together obviously because along with Robbe’s caption it’s just a showing of their love being official. But also the grocery cart pics for their 6 month anniversary. The grocery store pic in Ardennes getaway. Robbe’s bday pics of them embracing they’re SO HAPPY omg. And of course, we cannot forget the pic posted for Sander’s birthday. It is absolutely perfect. I love it so much.

Fav song/scene pair: I have a few- both examples of wildfire obviously, past lives in Zaterdag 09:41, and rebel rebel at the grocery store. But I have two more that are not at all happy clips but are two of my fave clips regardless: life on mars/zaterdag 21:43 (that scene is impeccable along with its followup which I consider them a pair but LoM only plays in the first one) and I found/zondag 15:12 (my god I love that scene it’s brilliant).

Fav message between Sander and Robbe: Woensdag 12:45 when Sander sends Robbe the sketch of them and talks about that kiss earlier being Chernobyl. Also everything during wtfockdown but especially “I love you so much Robin.” “I love you too. So damn much.” But honestly they had so much adorable banter during those clips we were truly fed.

Fav banter on Instagram: lmaooo they’re always so thirsty on main you could pick a million examples. I will say I loved their back and forth about emojis on their anniversary.

I will tag @onzeziggy @everyone-has-their-story @bowieexaminprogress @sanderxrobbee @ayellowcurtain and whoever else wants to do it. This was fun!

[richiefuckfacetozier]

Chapter 9: Lonesome Day

Story: It’s Not My Fault

Title - Lonesome Day by Bruce Springteen

Also on Archive of Our Own

For other chapters - | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 |

Eddie was sitting at his desk trying to finish his homework. It was the first day of winter break and he desperately wanted to get everything done, so he would not have to worry about it later. He was taking almost all AP courses and his teachers were merciless with their assignments. His friends tried to get him to hang out that night, but he turned them down. A couple hours into studying, he heard the phone distantly downstairs and wondered who might be calling. 

Probably one of my aunts. Eddie thought vaguely. He stared at the Calculus problem in front of him and cursed because he could not find his notes on how to solve it. He would have to call Richie or Stanley later for help. 

“Eddie bear!” His mother called. 

“Yeah, Ma?!” Eddie yelled back still looking at his notes. 

“Tozier is on the phone!” She shouted back. 

“Ok! I will be there in a minute.” He put his pencil down and got up stretching. 

“You shouldn’t keep people waiting, even if they are a Tozier.” He could hear her say. Eddie smiled to himself. As much as his mother hated to admit it, she was a little entertained by Richie. He probably chatted her up in that charismatic way he does before she finally called Eddie down. She did not like Richie per se but thought he was goofy. 

Eddie grabbed a sweater from his closet because he knew the kitchen would be freezing. He put on socks and took a blanket to sling around his shoulders. He bounded down the stairs and sat at the kitchen table picking up the phone. 

“Hey Richie,” He said trying to keep his excitement down. Richie’s loud voice came through the receiver, “Hey Candy Cane! Keeping me wanting and waiting as usual. You are the biggest tease.” Eddie rolled his eyes but his stomach did backflips at hearing Richie’s voice. 

“It is cold in my kitchen, so I had to put on some fucking layers, you idiot.” He could not keep the smile out of his voice even if he tried. 

Eddie knew Richie had a smirk plastered on his face as he said, “Is that so. What are you wearing, Eds? Something sexy I hope.” 

“Don’t call me, Eds.” He grumbled lamely. “I bet you are wearing a sweater that drowns you and fuzzy socks. My favorite look for you. It is so cute.” 

Richie started making kissy noises that Eddie could only imagine made him look like a doofus. 

“You don’t know my life and I am not cu - ” Eddie stopped himself from saying ‘cute’ in case his mother could hear him. 

“You are a terrible liar.” Richie sing-songed. 

“Alright, I have math to get back too. Did you call for a reason?” Eddie asked impatiently. He started playing with the cord of the phone. He wished his mother would get a wireless phone that he could take upstairs. It would allow him to speak with Richie properly. 

“Are you serious?! You are doing homework.” Richie whined. “You are such a loser!” 

“So are you.” Eddie accused.

 “Touché baby,” Richie rhythmed laughing. Eddie listened to his laugh with a warmth that spread all over. Richie always spent so much time trying to make everyone else laugh, but Eddie loved when he let go. It was the most beautiful sound in the world. 

“How’s your day been so far?” Eddie asked not really wanting to get back to work when he could talk to Richie. 

“Eh, fine. Lame without you around.” Richie responded. Eddie could tell he was a little distracted, which was never unusual with him. 

“Are you hanging out with everyone tonight? I am going to pass until I finish my work.” 

“No, I’m not,” Richie said with a weird seriousness. 

Eddie frowned, “Why not?” 

“I don’t feel like it and you won’t be there so what’s the point?” 

Eddie could immediately sense something was off. Richie never ditched their friends unless he was dealing with a family issue. 

“Rich...what’s up?” Eddie asked patiently. 

Richie paused then let out a sigh, “Mom got a fucking DUI.” 

Eddie’s hand went to his mouth in surprise, “Are you shitting me?” 

“Unfortunately, I’m not. Her license has been suspended and guess who is stuck parent-sitting her?” 

Eddie’s rage began to bubble to the surface, “I’m so sorry, Richie. That’s a horrible start to the Winter Break. Where the fuck is your dad?” 

“Wentworthless and I got into a huge fucking argument about giving up my winter break for this bullshit. Mostly me shouting and him ignoring. Mom joined in to scream that he is the reason I am gay, although she didn’t use such a kind word as gay and it really had nothing to do with the fight.” Richie’s voice sounded so defeated. If Eddie had to guess, he had probably stayed up all night thinking about his family problems. 

Eddie’s heart hurt, “I wish I could help, you deserve so much better.” 

“It’s ok. I’ve accepted that the best I’m going to get is being with you.” Richie said with utter sincerity. “Which is so great that it outweighs my family crap. Actually, I probably have it so good with you that God decided I can’t have it too amazing, so she gave me a perfect best friend/boyfriend but shitty family issues.” 

“Did you just call God a she?” Eddie heard the breathiness in his voice. It felt so bizarre that Richie’s complete lack of a filter could take his breath away. 

“God is obviously a woman. Only a woman could make someone as drop dead gorgeous as you.” 

Eddie put the back of his hand against his face which was on fire. He was starting to feel desperate to be near Richie at that moment. To kiss him and tell him that he was the gorgeous one, who deserved the world. Eddie was nothing compared to Richie. Eddie had nothing without Richie. These emotions were becoming overwhelming. 

“No more compliments, they are making me lightheaded.” Eddie blurted out. 

“Wait! One more, one more.” Richie demanded. “God has to be a woman because only a woman has the delicate hands to sculpt an ass as good as yours.” 

“And with that, the moment is gone and I’m hanging up.” Eddie groaned in annoyance. 

“There is one bit of good news...I guess,” Richie said stopping Eddie from ending the call. “Wentworthless is giving me mom’s car.” 

“Are you serious?!” Eddie questioned trying to stay respectful but could not help his thrill. Now that Richie had a car, they could hang out more easily and have adventures outside of town. This was incredible news. 

“Yeah! He says it is all mine. I have to run all our errands but I can drive us to school!” 

“And we can go on actual dates!” Eddie chimed in then looked at the door, nervous that his mother may have heard. 

“Wow! So much better than school. What was I thinking?! This is going to be fucking amazing.” Richie’s voice brightened significantly. “I can totally teach you to drive too!” 

“I can drive!” Eddie countered. 

“You drove one time which made you and your mom get into such a big fight that you barely went home for a week. That does not count.” Richie reasoned. 

“True...I hate that all of you have your licenses and I only have a permit.” “Well, you just turned 16 last month and the rest of us have been 16 all year. Except for Stan who is a year older. Maybe that’s why he is such a grump all the time. Grumpy old man.” 

Eddie clicked his tongue disapprovingly, “Don’t say that to him. Being a year older and in our grade is a sore spot for him.” 

“I’ll give him a call after this and tell him then.” 

“Oh my god, you are so immature...” Eddie complained. 

“And you are the baby of the group.” 

“I’m not a baby!” 

“Just my baby.” 

“Gross. Goodbye.” 

“Thanks for listening, Eddie. I love you.” Richie said with all the causality in the world. It made Eddie’s heart beat faster. 

“That’s what I’m here for.” Eddie lowered his voice to barely a whisper. “I love you too. Bye.” They hung up and he stared at the phone. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly then picked up the receiver again. 

He dialed a number and listened to the ring. A familiar perpetually sad voice answered. “Hello, you’ve reached the Denbroughs.” 

“Hello Mr. Denbrough, this is Eddie Kaspbrak. May I speak to Bill?” Eddie heard a distant ‘Bill!’ and after a couple minutes, his friend answered. 

“Hello?”

 “Hi Big Bill, I have a huge favor to ask.” Eddie decided to get right to the point. 

“Sure Eddie, what do you n-need?” 

“Um...it’s kind of embarrassing.” 

“Alright…” 

“And I don’t want the other losers to know. Especially Richie.” 

Bill sounded immediately anxious. “Eddie...you aren’t going to ask me ab-b-bout the gay b-birds and bees are you?” 

“WHAT! NO NO OF COURSE NOT.” Eddie felt himself blushing horribly. “Oh my god, I would never.” 

“Thank god.” He said with relief. 

“I want to learn to drive.” Eddie stated firmly. 

“Oh!” 

“I am finally 16, all of you have your fucking licenses but I don’t and it’s really frustrating.” 

“Your mom doesn’t have time to teach you?” Bill questioned cautiously. 

“My mom doesn’t want me to get a driver’s license.” Eddie made his voice higher and more nasally to mimic his mother, “Eddie bear, 40,000 people die by automobile accidents each year. I can drive you anywhere you need to go.” 

Bill laughed in that light way he does, “That’s rough. I will, of course, teach you!”

Bill came to regret teaching Eddie almost immediately. He could keep his stutter under control most of the time, perhaps a word or two that did not come out right. However, when he got stressed out, words were almost impossible to get out. 

“Eddie, turn left here.” Bill said as calmly as he could. Eddie was gripping the steering wheel for dear life, eyes scanning the road crazy.

“But there are cars coming! I can’t turn left while they are coming!” Eddie said fearfully. 

“Eddie! Be calm! It will be fine just -”

 “Bill! I can’t! I’m going to hit someone.” 

“No you’re n-n-not just wait until they –” 

Eddie slammed on the accelerator and flew through the intersection turning the wheel harshly. Every car braked and honked at him. Bill and Eddie barely noticed because they were screaming. Bill gripped the dashboard desperately and Eddie closed his eyes as the van made a hard left. 

“EYES OP-OP-OP EYES EYES!” Bill managed to barely get out. After making the dramatic turn, Eddie pulled over. 

“M-maybe I shouldn’t be t-t-teaching you.” Bill said clutching his chest.

The next day, Ben tried his luck. Ben was the nicest one in the friend group and people never yelled at him. So when he asked Eddie to try parallel parking he did not expect to be exploded at. 

“You have to tell me how!” Eddie shouted. 

Ben winced but explained easily, “Eddie I did. Pull up next to the car in front of us, then a sharp turn into the spot behind then wait until you see the far side of the other car and - ” 

“None of that makes any sense! Why can’t you explain it better?!” Eddie was hyperventilating as he tried to go forward and back up into the spot. 

His face was pale and he could not stop shaking. Ben went to touch his shoulder and Eddie hissed at him, “Do not fucking touch me. JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO.” 

Ben sank into the passenger seat and when he spoke it was barely a whisper, “You have to pull forward and…” 

“WHAT? Speak up, Ben. I can’t fucking hear you.” 

Ben ended up curling in on himself and Eddie had to take them back to Bill’s apologizing profusely the whole time. * Mike and Eddie almost had an easy time. 

Mike had a calming presence and explained everything clearly to Eddie. They were approaching a busier part of town and Eddie was driving at a glacial pace. 

“You can speed up a little Eddie.” Mike instructed. 

“No, I’m too nervous to go any faster.” Eddie whined. He kept his eyes glued to the road trying to stay in his lane. 

Mike chuckled lightly, “You are going a little too slow and can actually get a ticket for going below the speed limit.” 

Eddie looked at him in fear, “I CAN GET A TICKET FOR GOING TOO SLOW?!” 

Eddie pressed on the accelerator and started zooming down the street. Their backs hit the seats at the force of how fast they were going. 

“No wait! Slow down! Eddie!” Mike was quickly losing his composure. 

They were approaching a four-way intersection. The light turned yellow and there was no way they were going to make it. 

“BRAKE! BRAKE!” 

Instead of breaking, Eddie floored it and he blew through a red light. All the cars were honking and one almost hit them but swerved just in time. 

“Pull over! You are done!” Mike shouted. “I did not plan to die today, Edward!” 

“Fucking hell,” Eddie cursed in rage.

Stanley outright refused to help. 

"But Stanley, please?!" Eddie asked desperately. "You probably know how to teach the best!" 

"No Eddie, I know you. If I try to teach you, you are going throw something at me." Stanley said seriously. 

"When have I ever..." 

Stanley interrupted him, "Two days ago when I tried to explain that math problem to you. You got mad and threw a pencil at me. Who knows what would get thrown at me if we were in a car." 

Eddie looked at him with a miserable expression. Stanley sighed deeply, "What about Richie? He's usually the only person that can teach you anything." 

"Trapped at his house and I don't want him to know!" 

"Try Bev." 

Beverly attempted a harsher tactic of yelling back at Eddie whenever he raised his voice. She would cut him off every time he sassed her until they eventually started full on shouting over each other. 

“You are all HORRIBLE teachers,” Eddie screamed. “None of you know how to properly instruct me!” 

“NO!” Beverly responded screeching so loud it hurt both their ears, “You are a HORRIBLE FUCKING STUDENT!” 

“NO I'M NOT!” 

“YES YOU ARE!” 

“NO I'M NOT!”

“YES YOU ARE!” 

“NO I'M…” 

“WATCH OUT FOR THAT KID!” 

Eddie braked and the seat belts dug into their chests painfully. Beverly did not even bother taking over the car after that. She opened her door and stormed away. Eddie pulled over to the side thinking about how much he hated himself at that moment. 

Bill later came and picked up his car. Eddie sat in the passenger seat seething. He did not speak, just stayed still trying to keep angry tears from falling. He was being a nightmare, he knew that. He really did want to learn to drive, it was just hard when he kept panicking or getting mad. 

When Bill dropped him off at home he finally broke the silence. “So Eds...is everything ok with you and Richie?” 

“Yes, of course.” Eddie looked over confused. 

“I am j-just wondering if you had a fight and that’s why y-y-you are so on edge.” Bill raised his hands up to ward off possible punches. 

“Put your hands down Bill, I am not going to hit you.” Eddie rolled his eyes. “I guess it is a little because I may not see Richie until we are back at school. It is stupid, but I miss him.” 

“You talk on the phone every day.” Bill laughed. 

“Sure! But it isn’t the same as seeing his stupid face.” Eddie mumbled. 

Bill shoved Eddie lightly, “I miss you yelling at him instead of us.” 

“Yeah, my panicking is preventing me from learning to drive.” Eddie opened the door to get out. 

Bill stopped him to say, “We’ll figure it out. Tomorrow’s another day.” 

“Ok.” Eddie closed the door and went into his house. 

His mother was not home, so he went into the kitchen and dialed Richie’s number. 

As soon as he heard Richie’s voice, Eddie said, “I miss you.” 

“Who are you and what have you done with my Eds?” Richie said fake seriously. “He would never purposefully be nice to me or are the candy nicknames finally making you sweeter?” 

“See that’s what I miss. The way you make me angry but flattered at the same time. How the fuck do you do that?” Eddie said with malice. 

Richie hesitated before responding, “What happened today?” 

“It’s just been this whole week really. Just shitty and frustrating.” 

“You know what I do when I am frustrated?” 

Eddie frowned, “If you say an inappropriate joke right now, I am not talking to you for the rest of break.” 

“I think about how the most important person in my life loves me, inappropriate jokes and all.” 

Eddie let out a sigh and could feel his body getting warm, “If you were here, I would totally kiss you right now.” 

“Yeah? Well, I would kiss you back and probably grab your ass.” Richie stated matter of factly. 

Eddie rolled his eyes, “Oh my god, shut the fuck up.” 

“Let’s talk dirty over the phone.” Richie suggested in a husky voice. Eddie opened and closed his mouth several times before being able to form a proper sentence. “Ew, no! Your parents could be listening on the other line or my mom could get back from wherever she is and walk in.” 

Richie completely ignored Eddie’s protests, “Alright I’ll start. My hands grip your tiny waist and bring it closer to me as your tongue does naughty things to my…” 

“GOODNIGHT RICHIE!” Eddie shouted down the phone. 

“Goodnight! Love you!” Richie responded laughing like a lunatic. 

Eddie put the receiver down as he laughed to himself. How could he miss someone who drove him so crazy?