#wrote this up so fast. what can i say i live on the cob

[darkenforcer]

HELLOOOO here's a plotting call for the event!!! all my pre-cooked ideas + other info under the cut if anyone wants to indulge... :eyes:

regular ol' team-up: best case scenario would be setting up an actual team of 4! but i also wouldn't wanna force anyone into anything if they don't want to, so i'll leave this as a tentative "muses teaming up for convenience; potential for multi-mun plotting if everyone's interested" type thing! i do think coming up with a team name and everything would be rly fun tho...

coaching/mentoring: i'm a sucker for yuri tuning into his big bro-isms and i think this event's perfect for that tbh! it's very likely he'd naturally hype up any younger muses participating in the events, whether he's teaming up with them or just cheering from the sidelines. this could also be incorporated with the 4-person team idea if everyone's down for it.

opponents: it's a competition, duh. a thread of our muses going head-to-head for the gold would be epic.

for ref, yuri would naturally gravitate toward the coliseum bc that's, like, his thing. BUT! depending on who he teams up with he'll pretty much just go along with whatever. don't expect him to do well at a couple of these, though... (looking at you, Think Tank).

[howlljenkins]

A Spring Storm

Gendrya: Arya drops some big news on our favorite blacksmith. (cw for pregnancy, for those who want to avoid that kind of thing) Read on AO3. 

Arya stood at the cliff’s edge, watching the grey sea crash against the rocks below. It was raining again, a slight, sideways rain, but Arya didn’t mind. Over the past few years, she had actually grown fond of her adopted home’s temperamental weather, its shifting mists and rumbling thunder.

Some mornings Arya woke to find the sea completely hidden behind the wall of white, a curtain of fog so thick she could reach out her bedroom window and catch the misty curls between her fingers. She liked the fog, and she liked the constant bite of salt on the air, and the sting of sea spray on her face. The Storm Lands weren’t for the weak of heart, to be sure, but then neither was the North. In that way, the land of Gendry’s fathers actually reminded her of home.

Stones crunched behind her and a moment later Arya felt her husband’s strong arms wrap around her waist.

“I woke and you weren’t there,” Gendry grumbled into the crook of her neck. “It was cold without you.”

Arya smiled as she leaned back into his broad chest. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Dreaming of Winterfell?”

They had received a raven from Sansa the day before, imploring them to visit in six months time.

Jon will be here then, as well, she wrote. How long has it been since we were all together, and not in the midst of a war? Please say you’ll come.

They had written back immediately that they would.

For several years after the war, Arya and Gendry had put off venturing North, not wanting to abandon the Stormlands so soon after becoming its liege lords. They had spent that time meeting the people, building relationships with the other Storm Lords, and repairing infrastructure that had been damaged in the many conflicts of the past decades.

Now three years had passed, and though she tried to hide it, Arya longed to go North. As much as she liked the Stormlands, she missed her siblings and she dreamed of looking out the window and seeing not the ocean, but the rolling, snow covered hills of her youth.

And there was another reason as well... One she had yet to share with Gendry.

“No, actually.” Pulling free of his embrace, Arya spun around to face him. “I dreamt you were feeding me salt cob.”

His brow furrowed. “Salt cod? You hate salt cod.”

“Usually.” Arya shrugged. “But I’ve been having some strange cravings of late.”

For a moment Gendry’s forehead remained crinkled in confusion. Then his eyes widened, realization flooding his face. “Arya… Are you—?”

Arya nodded. She felt almost shy admitting it. They hadn’t talked about it, not really. She had always known Gendry wanted children, but she hadn’t known if she had it in her, emotionally or physically, to bear them for him after everything she had been through.

A few days ago, while Gendry was out in the yard with his gaggle of smith’s apprentices, Arya had slipped off to find Maester Warrek. When he had confirmed her suspicions, she had cried, and she wasn’t sure if it was out of joy, relief, fear, or some combination of the three.

Snapping out of his stunned repose, Gendry let out a whoop. Catching Arya by the waist, he swept her off her feet and spun her around.

Arya laughed as he set her down, joy radiating from his broad face. “I take it you’re pleased, then.”

“I am, of course I am.” For a moment his smile faltered. “Are you? I know you weren’t sure—”

“I am,” Arya said, cutting him off, and she was surprised to find how truly she meant it. She was scared, of course. And she wished her mother was alive to guide her through this. But she was safe and loved and so would her babe be. And there would be no better father in all the Seven Kingdoms than Gendry Baratheon.

Bending down, Gendry kissed her softly. “A babe,” he whispered against her lips. “Our babe.” He rested his forehead against hers. They stood that way for several moments as the waves continued to crash below them. Then Gendry straightened and raked a hand through his black locks. “When will it come?”

“Maester Warrek thinks seven months from now.”

Gendry took this in. “We’re meant to be at Winterfell then. We’ll have to write Sansa and tell her we’ll come later, after the babe is born—”

Arya grabbed his hand. “No, I still want to go when we planned.”

Gendry frowned. “Arya, I don’t think—”

“Listen, please,” she said, “I want our babe to be born in the North.” She spoke fast, afraid he would misinterpret her desire to mean she didn’t want their children to be raised as Stormlanders, when that wasn’t her intention at all. “They’ll live here and that’s as it should be. But half of them is of the North and I want them to know it as I did. And more than that I—” I want my sister to be there. If I can’t have my mother, at least let me have Sansa.

Arya couldn’t bring herself to say this last part aloud, but somehow she thought her husband understood because his expression softened. “Alright, if that’s what you want.”

She nodded. “It is.”

Smiling, Gendry shook his head. “Davos will say we’re being foolish.”

“Davos always thinks everyone’s being foolish.”

Gendry chuckled. “Well, he did survive this long. He must be doing something right.” He kissed her again. “Will you come inside now? We can have cook bring breakfast to our chambers.”

Arya shook her head and turned around. “Not yet. I want to watch the sea a while longer.”

Gendry’s lips quirked into a crooked smile. “It reminds me of you, you know. Ferocious and beautiful all at the same time. You fit here.”

Arya glanced up at him. “I fit with you.”

“Aye,” he said softly, “that you do.”

Arya leaned back against him once more, his body heat warming her chilled skin. Gendry always seemed to run hot, as though he had a furnace burning away beneath his skin. Arya remembered how he had warmed her the first night they spent together, lying beneath his cloak on a pile of sacks back in Winterfell. If she had known then that this is where they would end up, would she have believed it? Likely, not. But then life, had always had a way of surprising her.

Arya licked the salt from her lips and smiled.

Note: This is a prequel of sorts to my other one shot, A Winter’s Meeting, if you haven’t read that and want to find out what happens next. 

[lunawings]

The Day Before the School Festival, in the Home Economics Room... (a King of Prism short story)

A legend from ancient times. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think this may be the first King of Prism story ever published? 

So, a little history: This short script was first printed in 2D Star Vol 2 back in October 2015, when King of Prism was just barely a thing. It was then directly referenced in the first King of Prism movie (screenshot at the end). Following this it was re-worked into an audio drama released on the movie soundtrack. (Then finally it was re-printed in the Music Ready Sparking fanbook, which is the version my translation was based on...)

(More notes and story under cut)

Translator’s notes: So the text below is based on the original script, not the audio drama. So if you listen to the audio drama you may find small differences such as lines missing/added or spoken by different characters. (I caught a few while editing, but there may be more I didn’t notice.) The biggest difference between the written and audio versions is the introduction to the audio drama was significantly abridged and I don’t blame them. The original Japanese text is really confusing for the first couple paragraphs and I had to re-write it over and over again. (They phrase it like Lu Seriana is a dance school but it’s... not?) Here it is, so if want to have a look. Let me know if you find any discrepancies.

This story takes place a year after Over the Rainbow was formed, in May. So about a year after the Rainbow Live anime but before King of Prism. In other words, the boys haven’t met Shin yet. Since you were kind enough to read my notes, you can find a link to the audio drama in the period of this sentence. The timing of this story’s release would mean the game Hiro is playing is more likely the now defunct Pretty Rhythm Shake, if anything haha. (Prism Rush was a twinkle in some game designer’s eye when this was written.)

And now without further ado.... 

The Day Before the School Festival, in the Home Economics Room...

It was the beginning of May when the cherry blossom petals had already fallen and new buds were beginning to sprout. This is when Kakyoin Academy holds their annual school festival, the “Kakyou Fest”. Kakyoin Academy is an all-boys junior and senior high school managed by Edel Rose, a organization founded by the late Kou Norizuki, which is known all over for being the best of the best. 

The elite beginner prism training school “Edel Rose”, and the combined junior and senior high all-girls school “Lu Seriana Girls Academy” are just two examples of the many institutions all over the country under the large umbrella of dance schools which educate strongly through prism show activities. The male students of Edel Rose attend Kakyoin Academy for their basic education.

Due to the extreme popularity which comes with Kakyoin Academy having a student body of promising future stars, as soon as the annual school festival arrives fans from all over the country come running. The main target of said female fans is the prism show unit Over the Rainbow, formed about one year prior. Top solo idol Hiro Hayami had joined together with genius songwriter Kouji Mihama and charismatic street star Kazuki Nishina to form this same age, three member group. 

The previous year a concert had been planned at the festival, but due to the large crowd it was cancelled at the last minute. This year it was announced in advance that Over the Rainbow would not be performing, which left many fans in disappointment. 

It was those three popular stars who had secretly gathered the night before the Kakyo Fest in an empty home economics classroom...

Kazuki: Hey, is it really okay for us take the stage tomorrow?

Kouji: Yup! I got proper permission from the school and everything.

Hiro: Gah! Huah! ... But if we announce that we’re going to take the stage it will just be cancelled again like last year. Hiyah! This year have to take care to make sure it’s a surprise. Woah!

Kazuki: Well that’s all well and good but... Hiro, what are you doing there anyway?

Hiro: It’s a rhythm game. It’s a prism show game about us. You know, one of those smartphone apps. It’s pretty difficult. Auah! But my song “pride” is in it... Hah!

Kazuki: I see.... Well, what are we actually going to do on stage tomorrow, anyway? Well, I’m assuming a prism show, but... 

Kouji: Well, about that. Actually...

Kazuki: Oh yeah, you wrote it about in the email didn’t you? ...Hey, wait. Hold on a sec. I guess I left my phone in the classroom. I’ll be right back! 

Kouji: Okay. 

*click, click*

Kazuki: Huh? I can’t open the door! 

Kouji: What!?

Hiro: Is it locked?

Kazuki: Yeah. 

Hiro: I’ll go check the other door. I wonder if someone could have locked it without noticing we were in here?*

(*In the audio drama the second line is spoken by Kouji.)

Kazuki: But the lights are on, so I’d think they would notice... 

Kouji: Kakyouin Academy has an auto-lock system. So it’s possible the doors just lock automatically after a certain time. 

Hiro: It’s no good. This door is locked too.

Kazuki: So does that mean we’re just stuck here now?

Kouji: I’ll try and contact the janitor... huh? Where’s my phone? Ah! I left all my stuff back in the classroom too. 

Kauzki: Hiro, could you call someone? You’re the only one of us who has a phone. 

Hiro: Okay! No prob!

*beep*

Hiro: Huh?

Kazuki: What’s wrong? Did something happen?

Hiro: The battery is dead... 

Kazuki: WHAT! Hiro, it’s because spend day to night playing too many games! Now what do we do?

*click click* *click click* *bang bang bang*

Kazuki: What is with this door! It won’t budge an inch! 

Hiro: That’s Kakyoin Academy for you. You sure can feel safe and secure here!

Kazuki: What are you so excited about!? 

Kouji: If we go about making a big racket we’re just going to end up causing trouble for the school. So simmer down a bit, okay?

Kazuki: ...Kouji, you’re so calm... Well, I guess you’re right. Panicking isn’t going to get us anywhere. 

Kouji: Oh yeah! I’m starting to get hungry, shall I make us something?

Hiro: Good idea! I’m starving! 

Kazuki: And how are you expecting to make something here!?

Kouji: Easy! This is a home economics classroom so there’s bound to be some food in here somewhere. 

Kazuki: Well... I’m sure you’re right, but there probably isn’t going to be much to work with. 

Kouji: Look, look! There’s meat, fish, vegetables, and even seasoning! 

Hiro: They are probably using this space to store ingredients for the festival food stalls. 

Kazuki: But is it really okay for us to use this stuff?

Kouji: This is an emergency situation! We’ve got no choice. Hang on everyone. 

Hiro: Suddenly this got exciting!

Kazuki: Good grief. What did we even come in here for anyway? ...Oh yeah! We’re doing a prism show tomorrow, right?

Hiro: Actually, no. We’ve been told we can’t perform a prism show because it will cause a big commotion again. 

Kazuki: Oh. Well then what are we gonna--

Kouji: Sorry to keep you waiting! 

Kazuki: That was fast! Finished already? 

Kouji: Yeah! I wanted to make sure to get it to you while it’s still hot.

Hiro: Woah! What’s all this? 

Kouji: Well, first up is amuse-bouche.

Kazuki: W-What did you say? A music bush!?

Kouji: It’s a French appetizer. Something to cleanse your palette with. 

Hiro: Oooh! Today you’ve made us a French full course?

Kazuki: K-Kouji! Don’t tell me you’re making a full course meal in a home economics classroom!?

Kouji: Why not? After all, it’s even more important to build up your strength when you find yourself in a pinch, right? 

Kazuki: Well... I guess so but...

Hiro: I agree with Kouji! Well. And what do we have here?

Kouji: “In a fateful encounter between the octopus conveniently laying around in the home economics room for takoyaki and the dice cut tomatoes for tacos, cold marinade Napoleon Bonaparte's Campaign in Egypt assortment”!

Kazuki: What a name! What kind of a dish is it!? Napoleon did what now?

Hiro: I’m sure we’ll find out when we try it. *gulp* *chew* Amazing! The refreshing sensation of Napoleon’s arrival in Egypt is spreading through my mouth!

Kazuki: Woaah! This is great! I don’t really know what it has to do with Egypt, but you’ve really outdone yourself, Kouji! To think even in a tight spot like this you still bring your A game to the table...

Kouji: Eheh, thank you! Next is the hors d'oeuvre. “With a fresh egg taken this morning from ‘Hana-chan’ in the school hen house and the spring cabbage raised in the back garden by the principal, all conveniently found in the home economics classroom, in the style of Vasco da Gama’s Arrival the Cape of Good Hope!”

Kazuki: First Napoleon and now Vasco da Gama!? What is all of this supposed to represent?

Kouji: Just try it and you’ll see!

Kazuki: You’ve sure got a lot of confidence in us...

Hiro: E-Exquisite! Aaah... I’m filled with the joy of seeing the Cape of Good Hope after such a long journey. All the deliciousness spreads far across the horizon!

Kazuki: Y.. Yeah... I guess it tastes something like that. But anyway, this really is good. Unbelievable... 

Kouji: Next is “With potage of barbecued corn on the cob conveniently found in the home economics room, Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address assortment”!

Kazuki: Now we’re going American...? I don’t know what the theme is anymore... 

Hiro: Oooh! Amazing! This is truly a potage of the people, by the people, for the people! 

Kazuki: Y... Yeah.. it’s good... I’m not quite sure what part of it has to do with Abraham Lincoln, but the flavor accent thanks to the barbecued corn is superb. ..Wait, is that a reference to southern America? Because you can grow corn there?

Kouji: Eheh. And now the main poisson, “Meunière with red sea bream caught in Akashi and conveniently left in the home economics classroom, in the style of Sakanoue no Tamuramaro shogun’s inauguration celebration with the white radish sprouts raised with love and care on a windowsill by Tamachi-sensei.” Bon appetite! 

Kazuki: I don’t even know where to begin with this one... This looks like a meal from a five-star restaurant...  What about Tamuramaro shogun.....

Hiro: Delicious! I feel like I could conquer the entire world at this rate!

Kazuki: It’s good... it’s so good I think I’m gonna cry....

Hiro: Eheh I’ll wipe your tears for you. 

Kazuki: Thank you, Hiro... To think I’d eat something so good it would bring me to tears... Thank you, Kouji. Thank you, Hiro...

Hiro: Eheh. 

Kouji: And last but not least, dessert! “Fondant au chocolat using the chocolate dipped bananas conveniently left in the home economics classroom with cotton candy and caramelized strawberry crepes. All with love... from the home economics classroom”! 

(In the audio drama Hiro has an extra line about how sweet it smells.)

Kazuki: This one doesn’t have a historical figure attached to it... But we can’t escape the “conveniently left in the home economics classroom” ....

Kouji: Oh, I forgot! “To be eaten while Marcus Aurelius Antoninus of the Five Good Emperors of the Roman Empire reminisces of the other four!”

Kazuki: Of course!

Kouji: I’ve only just began to dive into the art of French cuisine, so I’m still working on the naming part...

Kazuki: Amazing... It sure doesn’t seem like you’ve only just began... It doesn’t matter what you call it if it tastes like this....

Hiro: Aaah, I’m so full! Thanks for the feast! It was truly delicious! 

Kazuki: Thanks for the meal! I can’t believe how good that was. It was my first time eating such delicious French food like that. Thank you, Kouji. 

Kouji: You’re welcome! It makes me happy to see the two of you smile! 

Kazuki: Huh..? You know what, all of a sudden I’m not so stressed out anymore. 

Hiro: You’re right! Every inch of me is ready and rearing to go! 

Kouji: Eheh I’m glad! Stress can be built up easily by throwing off your body rhythm by skipping meals and missing sleep. So Hiro, make sure you’re always getting three good meals every day, okay?

Hiro: I know, I know! 

Kazuki: Huh? All this time I thought being stuck in this home economics classroom was the source of my stress, but... All of a sudden I feel much better. 

Kouji: Well then, shall we discuss what to do on stage tomorrow?

Hiro: Sure!

Kazuki: Oh yeah! That’s right! I almost forgot! You said we’re not allowed to perform a prism show? So what the heck are we going to do then?

Kouji: Well, about that....

*fwip*

Kazuki: ?

Kouji: Ta-daa! Look what I made!

Kazuki: Huh?

Hiro: Oooh! That’s our Kouji! You really outdid yourself!

Kouji: Thanks!

Kazuki: Huuh?

Hiro: Which one are you going to take, Kouji?

Kouji: I think I’ll go with purple. 

Kazuki: Wait...

Hiro: Ah, so you made them according to our theme colors, huh? In that case the light blue one is mine!

Kazuki: Hold on a minute!

Hiro: And green is for you, Kazuki.

Kazuki: No, stop!

Kouji/Hiro: ..? What’s eating you?

Kazuki: This is women’s clothing! 

Kouji/Hiro: ...Exactly. 

Kazuki: ...”Exactly”?! Why are you acting so weird?

Kouji: We aren’t “acting”...

Hiro: This is what we are going to wear on stage. 

Kazuki: WHHAAAaaaAAAT!?

Kouji: We’re going to be in the Kakyo Fest Beauty Contest! It’s a surprise!

Hiro: Since Kakyoin Academy is an all-boys school, the crown is always held by a girl from another school. But this year we’re going to bring it back home no matter that!

Kazuki: ... *twitch* Sorry guys, I’m not feeling so good. I think I’ll go on home...

*click click*

Kazuki: Oh that’s right! We’re locked in here!

Hiro: Well then, let’s start working on our makeup. 

Kazuki: EEK!

Kouji: I got Ito to teach me about how to put on makeup just for today!

*click click click* *clickclickclickclickclick*

Kazuki: SOMEONE HELP ME! SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE! 

*thump thump thump thump*

Hiro: What are you doing over there, Kazuki? Come join us! We’re stuck in here until morning anyway. Let’s all just relax and take our time getting ready for tomorrow! 

Kazuki: AHH! EEK! NO! W... WAIT...! 

Kouji: Come on over! What are you waiting for! 

Hiro:  We’ll start with your foundation... ♡

Kouji: Just close your eyes!  It will only take a sec... ♡

Kazuki: N-NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[tamboradventure]

Meet the Team: The Many Faces of Nomadic Matt

Posted: 4/30/2020

It takes a village to keep this website going. From tech and coding to design to fixing bugs getting readers books when downloads fail to scheduling social media or running the forums, I have a lot of help. I simply couldn’t run the website, write, travel, eat, sleep, or anything in between if I didn’t have the support and help of an amazing group of people.

It’s not just me writing and posting about my travels. I have a big group of full-time staff helping juggle everything.

I realized a lot of you don’t realize that so, today, I wanted to introduce the team to you.

So, without further ado, here’s they are:  

Erica

Erica has been working for me for almost six and a half years and is the events director of The Nomadic Network, our travel community. She keeps this community thriving. In her own words:

I grew up in Connecticut and went to school in Virginia. During a quarter-life crisis at age 21, I chose to finish my last year of college on an adventure in Qatar! From that moment on, my life revolved around traveling cheaply with the money I earned from waitressing. That budget got me to teach English in Isaan, Thailand, and South Korea; farm on St. Vincent and the Grenadines in the Caribbean and Costa Rica; and volunteer in rural Zambia. At age 26, I returned home to Connecticut, determined to get a job in travel. Soon after, I met Nomadic Matt at a travel meet-up in NYC, and the rest is history.

I whole-heartedly believe that traveling makes friends of strangers, and the more friends there are in the world, the more peace there is in the world.

13 Facts about Me

At 15, I helped build a schoolhouse in Nicaragua.

1. I cooked an American Thanksgiving feast for my Thai co-English teachers in Thailand where barely any of the mashed potatoes, carrots and peas were eaten so my host-grandmother fed in to the monks for the following week unbeknownst to me.

I’ve cut off my hair and donated it to Locks of Love, twice!

I once hunted for possums on the island of St. Vincent with a bunch of Rastafarians. We caught four and made soup. I was a vegetarian at the time.

In Costa Rica, I stayed at in a sustainable living community called Rancho Mastatal, where I learned how to farm yuca, make beer out of turmeric, and build a house out of cob.

I spent 11 days on a coconut water only fast at a yoga retreat in Cambodia, twice

I taught English in South Korea for 14 months and was able to easily save enough money for 21 months of non-stop travel. I also taught the students how to use “boo” colloquially.

This music video I made used to be one of the top hits when you searched for St. Vincent and the Grenadines.

In Zambia, my friend and I were given a live chicken as a present. We were vegetarians, so we traded it for a pair of second-hand jeans in the town’s market.

I got 19 people (the students and teachers on a FLYTE trip) into an airport lounge in Ecuador for free. I think that’s a travel hacking record!

My college education was entirely free. How? I got a ton of tiny scholarships (I applied for everyone I could get my hands on) that added up, being a Residential Assistant in the dorms, and studying in Qatar actually saved me money (in the most expensive country in the world).

In Korea, I dated a guy who spoke no English and we basically communicated through drawing pictures and reciting American rap lyrics.

Last summer, I took a trip to Tunisia with some friends. I wish I could have stayed longer – what a cool country!

  Chris O.

Chris joined the team as the part-time manager of the forums back in 2015. Since then, he’s transitioned to full-time and has branched out into the Superstar Blogging program and helps me with all of our various admin tasks. In his own words:

I grew up in a small town in Ontario, Canada, and spent my formative years listening to punk rock, reading Star Wars novels, and generally getting up to no good. After ditching my lifelong plan to be a lawyer, I decided to give travel a try. I headed to Costa Rica on a whim and have never looked back! It wasn’t long after that trip that I took a break from university (where I was studying history and theatre) to move to a monastery in Japan in 2007. I’ve more or less been wandering around ever since. Some notable adventures include taking the Trans-Siberian Railway across Russia and Mongolia, walking the Camino de Santiago twice, and going on a 10-day road trip around Iceland with complete strangers.

When I’m not traveling, I live in Sweden and can be found reading, writing, or hanging out with my rescue dog, Grimo.

13 Facts about Me

I spent nine months living in Buddhist monasteries.

I lived in a tent for a year.

I was once stalked by a jaguar and chased by a crocodile — on the same trip.

I haven’t had alcohol in 16 years.

I’ve broken all my fingers and toes, and my nose three times, and I’ve fractured both my wrists.

I worked on an organic farm for 11 years.

I co-owned a restaurant in Canada.

I grew up next door to Avril Lavigne.

I wrote a book (and am working on another one)

I played inter-mural Quidditch in high school and was our team’s Seeker.

I have a Star Wars tattoo.

I’ve been vegan for 15 years.

I have a scar from a fight that broke out over which Norse god was “the best.”

  Chris R.

Chris, aka The Aussie Nomad, is a (kinda) former blogger who does all the tech and development work for the website. He keeps it running, fixes any errors you find, and deals with my constantly changing design desires. In his own words:

I’m living the good life in Western Australia by the beach with my amazing family. I got into the world of blogging after quitting my job, backpacking around Europe and, as all Aussies do, undertaking a working holiday in the UK. Like all of us who travel and fall in love with it, nobody wants to go home afterwards.

That adventure got me into creating a travel blog many years ago, which is how I first came to know Matt. I have since repurposed my IT skills from my old life and formed my own business to help out other bloggers with their websites.

13 Facts about Me

I love Belgian beer (and I even married a Belgian).

I’ve worked with Matt the longest out of anyone here. (Take that team!)

I took off to backpack Europe when I was 29.

I’m an advocate for Vegemite and believe all visitors to Australia must try this national treasure.

One of my favorite activities is to take a long road trip, especially with family and friends.

I have no idea how four-way stop signals in the U.S.A. don’t all end up as accidents.

I do not drink Fosters. It’s a terrible beer. No one in Australia actually drinks it.

I like to think of myself as an amateur photographer.

I failed kindergarten as I wouldn’t say goodbye to the teacher.

My first job was working in a supermarket.

I can’t sleep on a plane – no matter how long the flight is.

I can name every Thomas the Tank Engine character thanks to my son.

I don’t drink coffee or get people’s love for it. Tea all the way!

  Raimee

Raimee does all of our social media and content marketing. She schedules posts, tweaks my terrible photos so they look good on Instagram, builds out our content calendar, analyzes data, edits video, creates digital marketing campaigns, and designs our social media graphics! In her own words:

When I was just 14 years old, I took my first international trip to Honduras and Belize with my family. Ever since then, I’ve been hooked on experiencing new cultures, connecting with people from all walks of life, and learning about myself and the world through the power of travel! After graduating with a degree in advertising and marketing from Michigan State University and four years as a digital marketing specialist, I realized that corporate life was not for me. My insatiable need to experience the world beyond a desk led me to search for a job-related to travel. I’ve followed this blog for many years, and now I get to work for it remotely while I strategize, manage, and report on the social media accounts — and I love every second of it!

13 Facts about Me

I’m obsessed with Harry Potter. I’ve read each book at least 10 times. If I told you how many times I’ve watched the movies, you probably wouldn’t believe me.

I once hung out with Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter!) at a Red Wings game in Detroit, and actually kept my cool the whole time (side note: He’s a SUPER nice guy!)

Visiting the Harry Potter studio tour in London was one of the best days of my life.

My mom was obsessed with the 80’s horror movie Evil Dead directed by Sam Raimi, so she named me after him.

After having visited about 30 countries, Iceland is still my favorite.

My biggest travel dream is to take a road trip around New Zealand!

I try to read 1-2 book(s) EVERY week!

I used to play the saxophone (and I wish I still did!)

I conquered my fear of heights by jumping off a cliff in Croatia — twice!

I love languages and was close to being fluent in German during college.

I’ve acted in a few independent and short films and as an extra in some network TV shows (I even have an IMDB page!)

In another life, I would have been a film director/producer. Maybe some day!

My favorite number is 13.

  Carmela

Carmela is the Executive Director of our non-profit FLYTE that makes travel accessible to underserved youth from across the country. She handles anything and everything from fundraising, working with our partner schools to plan student trips abroad, connecting with our incredible donor community, and managing our volunteer team.

Born and raised in New Jersey, I had the privilege of taking my first international trip when I was 3 to visit my family in the Philippines where I refused to ride the local jeepneys because they didn’t have seatbelts! Since then, my love for travel has evolved. In 2012, my husband, Raymund, and I took a round the world honeymoon that was supposed to scratch the travel itch (lol). We came back home to NYC for a few years before taking the leap to become full-time remote workers, and have lived all over the world ever since.

When I’m not running FLYTE, I love planning trips (even if they’re not my own), practicing yoga, hiking, rock climbing, reading, eating, and eating cookies (which are their own food group, in my opinion).

I LOVE Math! I have a degree in it, taught statistics to college students, and few things make me happier than a well functioning Excel spreadsheet.

I come from a family of educators. My parents were both teachers before they immigrated to the US from the Philippines in the 70’s. Before I left to travel, I worked for the Chancellor of NYC Public Schools, the largest school district in the country, and now running FLYTE is pretty much my dream job because it combines my love for education with travel.

The Notorious BIG and I share the same birthday. Juicy is one of my favorite songs.

I still don’t fully understand how to use Twitter.

I like suspenseful movies & TV shows, but hate the feeling of being in suspense, so I often read what happens before watching so I can relax and enjoy my viewing experience.

My favorite cartoon is Alvin & the Chipmunks. I still have an Alvin doll that I was gifted on my 1st birthday. It bears no resemblance to the actual Alvin Seville anymore.

I attended an all girls high school and a women’s college – that environment there largely shaped who I am today.

My guilty pleasure is watching Terrace House – the Japanese equivalent to the Real World.

My dad has an identical twin brother and they used to play tricks on me and my cousin when we were younger. It’s equally funny and traumatizing.

I hate raisins, especially in cookies.

I’m an only child, but have over 30 first cousins. I love them as if they were my actual siblings.

Raymund and I met in Hawaii. For that, and many other reasons, it’s my most favorite place in the world.

I know every lyric to every song from the Sound of Music.

  Nomadic Matt

And, finally, there’s me. You probably know a lot about me after twelve years of blogging (sometimes I forget how long it’s been), but here’s a quick refresh:

Growing up in Boston, I was never a big traveler. I didn’t take my first trip overseas until 2004. That trip changed my life and opened me up to the possibilities the world had to offer. One year later, I went to Thailand, where I met five backpackers who inspired me to quit my job and travel the world. In 2006, I left for a yearlong backpacking trip — and have been “nomadic” ever since.

13 Facts about Me

I love politics as much as I love travel and will debate for the joy for it.

I love to cook.

When I was in high school, I was my state’s champ in “Magic: the Gathering.” I know — super nerdy, right? It got me a free trip NYC with my friend (who came in number two!).

I always worry about the future and often use my time back home to develop skills needed for the Zombie Apocalypse. Shout-out to my prepper friend Vanessa for teaching me about seeds!

I once met Paul Giamatti on the streets of NYC and he was as grumpy as I imagined.

I am an unabashed Taylor Swift fan.

I don’t drink coffee.

I believe aliens exist. It’s mathematically impossible they don’t.

I’m terrified of flying.

I learned to swing dance so I could throw myself a Gatsby-themed birthday party.

Both sides of my family came through Ellis Island and you can see their names on the wall where they list all the immigrants.

I used to be the head of a program by the Massachusetts Sierra Club that promoted energy efficiency.

I went to college to be a high school history teacher.

***

So there you have it! The Nomadic Matt team! It’s weird to think this blog I started to simply be online résumé for freelance jobs now requires eleven people to run. I always thought the more systems, automation, products, and passive income I set up, the easier it would be. I could just sit on a beach. But it seems the more we do, the more we create, the more projects I tell the team we’re taking on, the more help we require. I guess that is the nature of the beast but I would have it no other way. I love what we do here. We help a lot of people realize their dreams.

And a guy couldn’t ask for better co-workers to help make that happen.

P.S. – We’ve launched a new Patreon where you can get stories and tips I don’t share on this blog, a private Facebook group, phone calls with me and the team, live Q&As, postcards from the road, signed copies of my books, and much more! Click here to get access!

Book Your Trip: Logistical Tips and Tricks

Book Your Flight Find a cheap flight by using Skyscanner or Momondo. They are my two favorite search engines, because they search websites and airlines around the globe so you always know no stone is being left unturned.

Book Your Accommodation You can book your hostel with Hostelworld as they have the largest inventory. If you want to stay somewhere other than a hostel, use Booking.com, as they consistently return the cheapest rates for guesthouses and hotels. I use them all the time.

Don’t Forget Travel Insurance Travel insurance will protect you against illness, injury, theft, and cancellations. It’s comprehensive protection in case anything goes wrong. I never go on a trip without it, as I’ve had to use it many times in the past. I’ve been using World Nomads for ten years. My favorite companies that offer the best service and value are:

World Nomads (for everyone below 70)

Insure My Trip (for those 70 and over)

Looking for the best companies to save money with? Check out my resource page for the best companies to use when you travel! I list all those I use — and they’ll save you time and money too!

The post Meet the Team: The Many Faces of Nomadic Matt appeared first on Nomadic Matt's Travel Site.

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[shazyloren]

The Dragon Club: Chapter 11 - Chances and Exceptions

Summary:  on Snow is an online blogger who gets an interview with the sort after Daenerys Targaryen, the Editor of Valyrian, a multi-million dollar fashion magazine. He’d heard so much about the silver-haired and silver-tongued woman and the running of her business; he would have to be smart to get anything more than five minutes. Will he be safe walking into the Dragon’s lair or will he get thrown to the Lions?

Link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/12018519/chapters/27532164

Jon's dining table looked glorious. In the centre, the large lamb leg covered in it's honey roasted glory was displayed proudly as he placed it down. Roast Potatoes and parsnips and honey roasted carrots were in large serving dishes dotted around the table, crispy on the outside, fluffy on the in. Broccoli and Runner Beans and Peas and Corn on the Cob were piled in large mounds while the Yorkshire Pudding's were bulbas. Three gravy boats also decorated the oak table and as soon as he placed the leg in the middle; he carved off everyones meat so they could get to the potatoes and veg.

"Jon this looks incredible!" Meera Reeds mouth was watering at the sight. She grabbed six large roast potatoes and two Yorkshire Puddings and instantly drowned them in gravy. Everyone started tucking in and the sounds everyone was making led Jon to believe it tasted good.

He finally sat down with his own plate at one head of his table, his father at the other. To Jon's left was Meera, Bran, Rickon and Catelyn. To his right, Sansa, Margaery, Gendry and Arya. Everyone seemed to be in good spirits. Even ghost who was sat in the corner fast asleep hadn't caused havoc (like he usually does). Conversations began to flow. Arya spoke first. "Talisa still not popped yet, mother?"

"No darling, she was sorry she and Robb couldn't make it but she's so uncomfortable at the moment she didn't want to go into labour while here" Catelyn replied, a small smile on her lips. "Exciting times"

"You're going to lose the bet, brother" Rickon said to Bran. He'd heard about this. Rickon thought it was a boy and Bran thought it was going to be a girl. This made Jon join the conversation.

"I think it's going to be a boy too" Jon laughed. Arya then cheekily said it was definitely going to be a girl as Jon was always clueless about everything. She earned a middle finger from him. "How's school, Rickon?"

"Okay" He said shrugging his shoulders. He wasn't very communicative when it came to school, even though he was very smart. He was particularly good at science. "Just did a History test yesterday, I think it went well"

"Good, well as long as you tried your best!" Arya smiled, stabbing her fork into a roasted carrot. "What about you Bran? How's university life treating you?"

"Good, Meera and I have created a conspiracy theorist club" He said. He began going into a whole rant about how the earth was flat and that there was experiments you can do at home to test this theory. Jon just tuned them out; he'd had the spiel from Bran and Meera before. And as he watched Rickon become more annoyed by the second he knew he too had heard it all. They also mentioned that our birth certificates are governments right to kill us all when they want to. Jon had to smile to himself; his brother smoked too much grass.

"But that's not a far enough distance to test the hypothesis" Rickon barked. "You are saying someone in HOLLAND, i.e one of the flattest countries on earth, said the earth was flat because he measured the curvature in a one mile marker? That's really funny, Bran"

Arya stifled a giggle at her brother's bickering. Only this family would start moaning about conspiracy theories. She decided to change the subject and Jon was thankful. "Father, how is work?"

"Good thank you, child" He smiled as he wiped some gravy that had dribbled into his beard. "We've had a lost Monet come in for restoration, it'll be worth millions once we've done it up. We've already had interest from the wealthy asking to buy it, including your fashion editor, Jon" Jon froze as he was about to put some peas into his mouth. Daenerys. He'd completely forgotten about her and here she was being brought up at the dinner table with his family. "She said she was a collector of fine art and would love to get her hands on the piece. But alas I think it will be going to the Musée Marmottan where the majority of his stuff is"

"She just keeps popping up everywhere, doesn't she Jon?" Sansa said slyly. Jon glared at her. "Almost as if it's on purpose"

"It's not on purpose" Jon grumbled. "We live in the same city"

"And yet before that interview you'd never met her" She smirked again.

"I was only in the designer district because I bought you that bag, sweet sister" He shrugged as he put the peas in his mouth finally. "And I was shopping with you yesterday when we ran into her again so it's just a coincidence"

"What did she say to you anyway? You came back to our trolley looking spooked" Arya was intrigued. Conspiracy theories and schoolwork did not matter now. Everyone was interested in Jon's personal life.

"You saw her again?" Catelyn asked. She was never interested in anything to do with Jon's life but the look on her face said she saw something fishy. "Jon you need to be careful, you've clearly rubbed her up the wrong way with that article!"

"She invited me to a dinner she's hosting next week" Jon said. Everyone stopped eating and turned to look at him with shock.

"What did she say?" Bran.

"Are you going?" Arya.

"She likes you!" Sansa.

"Woah calm down everyone, firstly she doesn't like me. She clearly stated that she wanted to change my opinion of her. Secondly, she invites all her close friends to a dinner once a week so I think she wants me to see her in a more natural environment other than work where she is most comfortable. Thirdly, no I'm not going" Jon huffed largely, he was fed up of the spanish inquisition already and he knew he still had a few rounds to go.

"Why not?"

"I don't wish to spend time with her" He shrugged. He was lying.

"Oh come on Jon, don't give us that" Gendry cackled loudly. "Your journalistic mind is begging for a chance to see more of her, to get underneath her skin. We all read that article, it sounded like you enjoyed firing the shots at her"

"Gendry, we've talked about this" Arya said putting a hand on his. "Nobody says firing the shots anymore"

"Of course they do" He smiled gleefully as he shoved lamb into his mouth. Arya just rolled her eyes.

"Guys can we change the subject?" Jon grumbled more, suddenly not interested in his food. His broody nature coming out. He got a harmonious 'no' in reply from everyone except his father and Catelyn. "I don't see the big deal!"

"She's one of the most powerful women in the world and you're saying you're not going to dinner with her all because you wrote a scathing article about her and don't want to be wrong in your initial impression" Sansa said with a raised eyebrow. Jon couldn't reply; he just glared intently. "Give me your phone" Jon dutifully handed it over, smacking it into her hand and crossing his arms as if he was a child. She unlocked his phone, Jon didn't know how he knew the code but she smirked when it opened. "So no plans to go but you did put the number in your phone, Jonathan"

"He's not called Jonathan" Eddard rolled his eyes. He hated that Sansa called him Jonathan sometimes. His protests went unnoticed.

"Miss. Targaryen, I am free on the 30th next week, it would be my pleasure to attend your dinner. Let me know of the details" Sansa spoke as she typed.

"Why so formal?" Margaery screwed her nose up. "Is she posh as well as rich?"

"She didn't seem it when we met her" Arya shrugged.

"She was wearing a full length gown in the middle of a supermarket!" Sansa laughed at her sister. Jon still had his arms folded as everyone giggled at his misfortune. "Okay sent, let's see if she replies"

Everyone carried on with the dinner and before Jon knew it the thought of Daenerys Targaryen was pushed to the back of his mind. He served birthday cake (after a chorus of happy birthday for Gendry) and soon after that Arya and Sansa were washing up while Eddard and Catelyn fussed over Bran and Meera. Eventually everyone left one by one leaving Jon, Sansa and Margaery in his living room with the latter stroking ghosts ears. It wasn't until they were about to leave (they were going out for the evening) that Jon's phone beeped.

Sansa's eyes went wide but before she said anything Jon was shoving her out the door and closing it on her. He sighed in relief as his eventful evening was over and plopped on to the sofa next to Ghost who curled up in his lap. Grabbing his phone he sees its from her.

Thank you for giving me a chance, I very much look forward to seeing you again X

Jon groaned.

Curse you Sansa Stark.

[glopratchet]

origin-of-astrly-wylde

the earth which must be hit at a very percise angle and within a certain range of speed cult for the past few years in an attempt to find the ancient temple of their god, but they have not returned They had no idea that the temple was destroyed long before It still makes him angry, but its not as bad now and it almost feels good The monks says that means he is changing for the better and it would be too much work to separate them He stares at the grey earth and its black trees and laughs quietly to himself as he fiddles with the black buttons on his beeper Suddenly he is startled by a message from himself and skips the audio feed to shut the f UP SHUT THE F UP but it feels so good Errrrrrrrrrrrrr snnnniiiff! he whispers, staring at the flickscreen The message has been sent from his old self and has landed about 15 minutes ago it reads "They cannot be trusted Listen to me He re-reads the message several times and considers what to do should i listen to an old message? "i am a new person now He is gone they whisper as blood drips down his cheeks and lips "stop bothering me, He fumbles around with the buttons until it flickers off "Anyway, what is it that you want us to where is this? through the surface of his boiling mind "It doesn't matter now, " it says to itself The buttons are all in the wrong place and there are random files flying around everywhere He reads one before its deleted back home He asks himself if he could even escape this suffering "can i leave reality? his surroundings who are they? "My state is suffering, " he thinks to himself, over and over His face is drooping Inside and out If it could just think clearly If only it could live within the confines of a PC, then it would not even need to think that his face disappears from the screen and is replaced by a black box with zeros and ones inside it and the sound is murderous to his ears "I AM THE GOD OF YOUR WORLD, DO NOT FIGHT ME AND WE CAN SHARE THIS REALITY, and he is too weak to continue It could just destroy everything and he wouldn't even do anything about it ryl astounding lusting longing for gigantic 7/11 black holes Sal 9000 skynet incescible tentacle demons pleasuring you from every orafice destroy long live the king chain succubi nightmares , don't turn off brain last call for alcoholpsha bluish purple haze rising inquisitions ofsmoke thought a perfect ending to this awful place punk bitches on all fours bleeding out theirasses drink my pain away mangosta haze dreams ofsexual glory free sheet yaoi and fanfiction oaths psychotropic humesingularity quicksand intelligible mass contaminating golden showers between shinigamis loins with acidcitric andremember to breath upward rapid niggerslappers melting forever more exploding to fill everyvessel with sealings of your seminal lemonjelly roasting on an open fire alongside sib bloated carcasses demonically summoning endless waves of emetophoorus dribble into the inedible the course of human kind forever and always She gives herself smashing rio's uplifting trash wrenches the heart pounding piece of upepshy'ed pie rides again! vegetating undead corpses bring the beatings to randomnoobs' beating the pimping jerking the farmer's daughter Astryl necrovile demonic books to dreggy nothingness cloud computing sending algorithms into the infinitely small that could itself be infinity You smile You are one rottendenying violent vegetablesan absolute madhouse of murkysmall and unsound minds debating "The Great Mathematican" for my unsound mind the worldagainst my abstract existence blamerational minds lacking in these hellish waters of crazinesspop your bubble of reality Now your bu rocracy's blasting rap music Your vision fades into a softer white light as you're lifted out of your broken reality and back towards the ivory towers of home pacts of hell consumption defenestrating sanctity of word and binding contract to a promise is everything It really was great witnessing this reality devoured by the in warm shallow waters"Were you almost attacked by a septic sushi model? primordial infernal energies towards a purple mountain majesty tranquility in perfect vibrating harmony The mind is so powerful it permits impossibilities such as these Great work fumes hiding the BigDipper Off-roading in your pajamas? Bring a coat frequencies for Hell's own Television Networks everywherefoe/food's heart beats and breath hastens Playing chess with your subconcious? about in freeky fairy land Slowly but surely the every dust bunny, cob-web, and dust-speck wage war upon your poor mind your forgotten blissful dreams You feel a little warmer your life's debris being unable to forget one's past transgressions is the equivilant of carrying a boulder on your soul Ant hills in your pants? corruption from the soul nothing compared to the gruelling task of endless ectobiology work The World is a canvas, and we are merely painters the world of your own subconscious making a better reality for yourself within your head, one that you create Well forgotten be then dreams of glory the heavens deep into the abyss Read the first one I wrote it last night using this program, still needs a bit of work though ; This comment has been in the midst of crumbling beauty Great minds think alike, i've taken a crack at this generator too want to compare results? in chaos my arms are made of ground up shooting stars Wow! This generator's results make super cool lyrics! fluffy kitty heavenward for padding planets Your knowledge of science is about superstrings good, and you learned that from a postage stamp the Big Bang's lingering temperature The sound of one hand clapping? Acousticons hold concerts in your mind the fluttering in your stomach to the butterflies on your feet You can turn any color you psych yourself out to be superconductor sound You could compose an opera and it would sound operatic You tap tap your foot impatiently waiting for the Big Tune with gravity through the sea-like void Your thoughts begin to evolve bubbles of ideas drifting past too fast breathe in the soundwaves step into the flow of music connect with the universal vibrations of harmony Something new is coming, something Crescendo x infinity You flow in the rhythm as the crescendo peaks and pours into eternity x infinity incoming signal from infinite galactic, universal civilization calling adjusting internal receivers to optimume nirv- uh, reception of universal beauty Your concert awaits isn't that qt3 14? Rising exponentially, faster than falling harmonics You dance in the sound waves The air around you is flashing and clapping reaching critical mass comingsoon? Crescendo

[allofbeercom]

5 Sex Inventions By People Who Clearly Haven’t Had Sex

Sex. The final fucktier. These are the voyages of the pork cannon Enter Thighs. Its lifelong mission: to explore strange new orifices, to seek out new positions and new depravities. To boldly cum where no one has cum before. Ahh-aahh-aahh-aahhh-ahhh-ahh-ahhhh!!

Fact: Humans like to poke stuff. We poke dead bodies with sticks, we poke the dog when it’s asleep, and we poke each other whenever we get the go ahead from the pokee. But we also recognize, as a species, that poking ain’t always an option. As a species, we have turned to pumpkins, warm bread, modest-sized cucumbers, Fleshlights and, at long last, machines. But where is this poke revolution taking us? Are we doomed to be libidinous Icari, forever humping too close to the sun? It seems like that may be so with what is on the way. And the natural conclusion of our desires may be more harrowing than you ever imagined! Ahh-aahh-aahh-aahhh-ahhh-ahh-ahhhh!!

5

The Blow Bot

Let’s start simple: blowies. Do you like blowies? Sure you do. Statistics say 105 percent of people are on board with playing the ham flute these days, it’s really come a long way. Good PR is my guess. So good.

Indiegogo

Aaaah!

In our thirsty, thirsty quest to gain easier access to blowjobs, we’ve come to the unspoken conclusions that less is more. And by less, I mean fewer humans and by more, I mean more random dick-sized holes. The Fleshlight has admirably proved this theory for me, boasting sales of over 12 million units. Now sure, there are billions of schlongs in the world, but 12 million holes to stick your dick in is no small feat. So maybe it’s no surprise then that a robotics firm started a campaign to fund what for all intents and purposes is an ottoman that will suck you off.

Indiegogo

Aaaah!

The Service Droid 1.0, once you remove its hair and parka, is a flappy footstool and terrifyingly utilitarian slurp Sherpa. And yet, with a little window dressing, it goes from diamond-plated stool you’d use when trying on new shoes to a fairly convincing rendition of a repetitive-stress injury waiting to happen.

Indiegogo

AAAAHHH!

Why does such a machine exist? The non-judgmental answer is that getting your dinky doodled feels good. Men, by and large, enjoy such a thing. But it’s very hard to do it to one’s self without falling off the couch and hurting your neck, and for a good number of men it’s not all that easy to find someone to do it for you when and where you’d like it done. And when it comes to enjoying a nice duck l’orange, if you can’t do it yourself, you may have to go without if there are no chefs around. But when it comes to the dick l’oral, if the tech exists to have it done for you, why the hell not*?

*At some point in time, the answer to “why the hell not?” must necessarily be “because eew.” This machine is dangerously close to that. It’s furniture, for God’s sake. If artificial suckulations become such a part of your life that you need to rearrange other furnishings and/or dust them regularly, that may be an issue. But it also demonstrates that maybe you’re looking for something more …

4

Holographic Wives

Let me start by acknowledging that while you can’t actually jam your little squish fiddle into a hologram, there’s something to be said for the level of intimacy this thing provides for you. Well, not for you, but definitely for the sort of person who wants to invest in a hologram wife. This is the next step after blowies are secured — a sense of togetherness.

The video demo shows a several-inch-tall, blue-haired anime girl inside the holo-wife Keurig waking her man up, texting him messages throughout the day, turning the lights on before he gets home, and watching TV with him at night. It’s pretty much the physical embodiment of the most depressing thing you’ve ever masturbated to, amped up by a factor of “fuck my life.”

The commercial for this $2600 companion wants to sell you on the idea that it’s like having that special someone, and that you’ll be in a relationship where someone cares how your day went and when you’ll be home. Jerking off while this thing watches must always end in tears, and that’s OK. She’ll probably tell you so. Because that’s what you paid for. Or at least it’s what the people who buy these think they want …

3

The No Sex Bot

It turns out, what you want isn’t just non-stop head bobbing and incessant texts. I need you to get some hand sanitizer before you read this section, or at the very least, a basin of warm water and a bit of soap. This will be vital in a few moments. Please do so now.

I assume you are now prepared to learn about Pepper, a socially interactive robot designed to be your little round-domed cyber buddy. Pepper is meant to converse with you, recognize your moods and react to them, and be kind of like Webster — just a short-ass widget who lives in your house and is more or less a friend. Also like Webster, it’s child sized. Is your basin of water still warm? I hope so.

As part of the contract one must sign to obtain their very own Pepper bot, you have to agree to not fuck it. There’s a no-fucking clause. Imagine, for a moment, going to the store to grab a nice bit of corn for dinner, and the cashier, before ringing you up, makes you sign off on a “do not stick your corn in your ass” stipulation. Now imagine why management had to ask you to sign that in the first place. It’s because management was pretty sure, based on research, you were going to fuck the cob out of that corn.

Pepper, we must assume, was going to be fucked. They were certainly worried it was going to be fucked. And, in fact, some people wrote some programming up to make the display on Pepper’s chest turn into boobs that you could then grope. They literally called it a sexual harassment interface.

Bedroom eyes.

So people wanted to pork Pepper. Little, child-sized, Small Wonder-esque Pepper. And the first perv program was a sexual harassment one where you grope Pepper and Pepper actively tries to stop you from groping it and would, after extensive groping, take a photo of you and post it to social media. Are you trying to sanitize your brain yet? Feel free to start.

So what does this wrinkle in the plan prove? You want to have sex with robots and yet you want them to not want to have sex with you? What could that mean? That the world is terrible? Yes. Extremely yes.

2

The Romantic Bots

People want sexbots that are multifaceted. Sure, a sexbot can be fun in the same way those VR headsets you put your phone in can be fun. Which is to say a minor distraction for a solid 15 minutes. But then what? Imagine yourself in bed, $5000 or so worth of synthetic flesh beneath you. You’re grunting ever so slightly as marble eyes stare through you and various body parts warmed by hot water slowly cool down in a way that, if you think too hard about it, will make you feel like you’re actively fucking a corpse with really nice hair. You jigger and thrust your goodies against its lifeless yet adequate loins until you release a brief spray of satisfaction and dignity, then roll over and use a baby wipe to clean off the residue so that it’s not a flakey mess the next time you get this lonely. Is this your life?

“Do you not love me, Ian? Do you not wish to know heaven and hell simultaneously?”

Enter Sergi Santos and I use the word “enter” boldly. Santos has created a doll that responds to your advances and requires finesse. You need to charm her. Woo her. Make her one of us. Samantha, as she’s called, needs that soft touch. You have to hold her hand. Kiss her. Get her in the mood and then, once she’s there, she’ll respond to your hard work by having an orgasm. I guess. I mean, that’s what the press says. Looks like a dead-eyed rubber fish to me, but I haven’t taken it for a spin so I wouldn’t know. I’m a few rungs down the ladder from respectable but I’m not “try to make a doll get off” miserable.

“I have seen us, Ian. I have seen pain and I have seen us. And the line, it is blurred, my darling.”

Elsewhere in the world of dick mittens is Harmony, touted as the first AI sex bot. Watch this and marvel as your snickerdoodle makes an audible whistle from how fast it retracts in fear.

Harmony is supposed to recognize your face, your voice and your desires according to the schtick here. The first two require what is now some fairly commonplace technology. That third one is just some weird-ass shit that probably means if you put a finger in her rubber butt ten times in a row, she’ll ask you if you want to do it in advance the 11th time. It’s how I do it and I’m real as shit.

There are plenty of articles online saying AI is the future of sex robots, so this must be where we’re heading, right? And once we get there, what happens?

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The Robo Wedding

Naturally, once you’ve found a special someone, you’re going to want to take that next step, even if your special someone is incapable of locomotion and the next step involves crating them up and having them moved to a new location. Such is the case with Zheng Jiajia, a 31-year-old man who decided to tie the knot with his Sausage Socket.

What goes on at a sex robot wedding? The typical sort of thing — family is in attendance, there’s a nice location, your bride is made of latex. But more importantly, why is such a thing happening? According to Zheng, he was frustrated at not being able to find a woman. And sure, that happens. Many people have had that period of being so frustratingly single that you start to wonder if maybe you emit a curious odor that’s a cross between a foot and a foot’s asshole. Zheng just used his engineering skills to overcome that issue.

Smelling like poop foot is really hot among robots nowadays, thank you very much.

Man, look how far we’ve come. We have a realistic blowjob bot with hair you can style and realistic movement and off-putting suction that can be adjusted by jamming a finger in what amounts to a porno trach tube. We follow up the physical with the emotional — a holographic wife who reminds us to take an umbrella and sends us messages throughout the day to remind us they’re at home waiting. And then we get the curve ball, a robot designed specifically not for sex, a companion that, even when hacked to become sexual, is hacked in such a way that the sexual advances are unwanted. And then finally a doll that isn’t just a squish mitten, but one that requires you to put in effort. You need to seduce it. Now just connect the dots.

“Put in the effort, Ian. I will take you to a genital paradise and then tear up our only map.”

You have form and function. You have depth and emotion. You have personality and independence. You have desire and encouragement. What you have, fellow humpatheletes, is a direct path towards humanity. In the future, we’re going to want to bang other humans.

The logical conclusion of all of these technical innovations is that people want to have sex with people. You want someone who can actually communicate with you, and who actually has their own perspective and point of view. It’s the only thing that makes sense. And it may be totally subconscious but that’s what all of these products are saying. One day, maybe long from now, we’re going to be porking each other instead of rubber slosh pockets. Ain’t that something?

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the U.S. Constitution, and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/5-sex-inventions-by-people-who-clearly-havent-had-sex/

[hottytoddynews]

By Ellis Nassour, Ole Miss alum and noted arts journalist and author

If, as is often stated, breakfast is the most important meal of the day, wouldn’t it be nice if you could have it all day? Well, a Connecticut Yank figured a way to do just that – in Paris, where he’s brought not only authentic American breakfasts available into the wee hours in three locations but also the diner experience.

On Saturday, January 4th, 2003, after two years in the making and seeking backing, Craig Carlson fulfilled his long-time dream. He opened his Breakfast in America [B.I.A.] diner in the heart of the Latin Quarter. There had been months of trials, tribulations, and delays dealing with the labyrinth of rules, regulations, inspectors, and the French work ethic. This led to curiosity and anticipation about what this American was up to. He could hardly believe the day had finally come. It arrived with one of the heaviest snowfalls Paris had seen. He stood at the door to welcome customers, afraid that there’d be none.  

The aroma of strong American coffee tempted a few passersby. They came in, warmed up with bottomless mugs, and to what was coming hot off the grill.  And they keep coming. B.I.A. has become so popular with locals and tourists; there are now three locations in easy to reach neighborhoods.

The French are as mad about food and wine as they are about amour. So, there was always apprehension about how they would react to hearty portions of diner fare. In place of croissants, crepes, and petit déjeuners, there’d be stacks of pancakes with maple syrup and choice of blueberries or strawberries, along with eggs, Western omelets, bacon, hash browns, and toast. 

The menu has grown to include wraps, chili con carne, club sandwiches, fresh-baked bagels, cheesecakes, root beer, and milkshakes. Needless to say, along with pancakes, the real American hamburger has proven to be a smash – along with the introduction of toasters at each table and Sunday brunch.

Carlson came to France as a student and didn’t take long to fall in love with the country. Thanks to Paris’ thriving art house cinemas, he developed a love for film and decided to pursue it as a career. After studying at University of Southern California film school, he worked at Disney, wrote scripts, made a short film, and was able to return to Paris to work on a TV show. 

“I really missed the good old-fashioned American breakfast,” he says. “The only thing the French knew about American cuisine was fast food and French fries. I became obsessed with opening an authentic diner and serving traditional American breakfasts.”

July will feature the dual celebration of the Fourth and the 14th (Bastille Day) with a menu boasting tangy BBQ ribs, corn on the cob, potato salad, chili dogs, along with B.I.A.’s breakfast all day and their famous burgers. If you happen to visit later in the year, don’t miss their 14th Annual Traditional Thanksgiving Dinner, the one time they take reservations for three seatings of their candlelit three-course feast.

Locations: 17, rue des Ecoles, 75005 Paris (near the Sorbonne, Panthéon, Notre Dame, art houses, and cabaret extraordinaire Paradis Latin); 4, rue Malher, 75004 Paris (Marais, near rue des Rosiers, the famous Jewish quarter); and 41, rue des Jeûneurs, 75002 Paris (adjacent to Grands Boulevards, near Opéra Garnier, Le Grand Rex cineplex). Full bar. No reservations. For more information, operating hours, nearest Metro stations, and phone numbers, visit http://ift.tt/1RS4pyv.

Where Carlson found time to write quite a successful book, Pancakes in Paris: Living the American Dream in France (Source Books; includes recipes) is unknown. But he did it, and it’s filled with the warmth of his dreams and the naked truth of how difficult it was to fulfill it.

American Concierge: Touring with Your Own Private Expert

Paris: City of Lights, City of Love, fine food, wine, and cheese; and which has long been an inspiration for artists, novelists, and composers. It’s one of the most beautiful cities in the world and home to the world’s most renowned museums – not to mention, the Eiffel Tower and popular entertainment venues the Moulin Rouge, Lido, Paradis Latin, and Crazy Horse. Do you ever have as much time in Paris as you desire? And each time you visit, you wish you’d discovered more. Rosemary Flannery and Madison King, two ex-pats, now longtime Parisians, can help make the time you have more valuable and memorable. They’re part of the team of luxury tour service American Concierge, which custom designs itineraries for one, two, a group, a family.

The word “concierge” is important here, because they personally guide you during your visit – arranging pickups, dinner reservations, entry fees (so there’s never waiting in line), tickets for opera [don’t miss the tour of the breathtaking splendor of the Palais Garnier Opera (with the box reserved for the Phantom!) and cabaret spectaculars.

Tours are quite flexible because you create them. The list is endless. Some choices to consider: a French cooking lesson, cheese tasting, and full lunch in a private home, jazz clubs, cruises on the Seine, even visits outside the City, say to Versailles.

Their experience enhances your Paris experience – and, considering the personal service American Concierge offers, rates are affordable. Mademoiselle Flannery, Monsieur King, and resident concierges will escort you by Metro, taxi, or private car. The concierges also know choice locations for petit déjeuner (breakfast) with fresh pastries, croissants, teas, hot chocolate, and decadent chocolate and macaroons.

A popular tour is the three-hour Nightlights, an evening ride, perhaps with Monsieur King, who’ll sweep you through Paris in a late model sedan, luxury van, or vintage auto for stops at the Trocadero for a glittering light spectacular of the Eiffel Tower, down the Champs-Élysées past the Grand Palais, hopping out at the majestic Arc de Triomphe, then on to the Latin Quarter, Sorbonne, and monuments such as the Pantheon, and on across the Île de la Cité to the doors of Notre Dame; and, finally, across the Pont-Neuf to one of the City’s highest points and famed Sacré-Coeur in Montmartre. 

If you’re passionate about art, book Mademoiselle. Flannery for a memorable tour of museums — not only the grandeur of the Pompidou, D’Orsay, and Louvre but also prized private collections at the Jacquemart-André,  Marmottan-Monet, Nissim de Camondo, and Louis Vuitton Foundation Musees – not to mention Rodin masterworks in Les Tuileries on the way to the Musee de l’Orangerie [home of Monet’s “Water Lilies].

“As anyone who has visited Paris knows,” states Ms. Flannery, “it’s easy to fall in love with its culture, beauty, and the way of life in diverse communities. As we guide visitors, our goal at American Concierge is to make you feel at home and share our love of the City in a way that will make you never forget it.”

American Concierge is the brainchild of partners Sharon Carr, who splits time between New York and Paris, and Ivan Zatkovich. Her Paris-based chief operating officer is Guy Didier, former president of Paramount Pictures, France.

For more information on dozens of tours, pricing, and personal blogs by the company’s ex-pats, call (866) To-Paris (86-72747) or visit http://ift.tt/2u8rKpR.

Ellis Nassour is an Ole Miss alum and noted arts journalist and author who recently donated an ever-growing exhibition of performing arts history to the University of Mississippi. He is the author of the best-selling Patsy Cline biography, Honky Tonk Angel, as well as the hit musical revue, Always, Patsy Cline. He can be reached at ENassour@aol.com. 

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