#wym this isn’t how that scene went

[maltedmilkks]

“you changed” mf i shit my pants i had to change

[fill-me-with-your-memes-daddy]

Watching the Rise of the Titans movie and I'll be documenting all of my thoughts/reactions here. [Spoiler Warning]

So instead of reblogging every new update, I'm just going to have this post up on my phone as I watch and type my reactions in a bullet list format.

Nari's human disguise is so cute. As someone who does have a cottagecore aesthetic, I want to cosplay her so bad

Are Skrael and/or Belroc non-binary coded? Regardless, I'm also obsessed and I want to fuck Skrael and be Belroc.

STEVE CARING ABOUT JIM BEING HURT YESSSS!!! My god his redemption has probably been one of the greatest there is because he doesn't just suddenly go from being a bully to a completely good person. You can see the gradual shift in learning better throughout the shows which is awesome.

IN NEW YOOOOOOORRRRRRRK!!!!!! CONCRETE JUNGLE WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE OFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!

The mugshot montage reminded me of season 1 of trollhunters when toby and Jim were arrested at the museum.

STRICKLER PUT A RING ON IT??? HE'S THE ONLY DILF IVE EVER ACTUALLY AGREED WAS HOT WYM I CAN'T HAVE HIM??? well I'm still really happy about his arc over the series probably one of my favorite character growths.

Eli my guy got his growth spurt!!! As an 18 year old who is still 5'0", I'm happy but envious for him

So I went into this movie without watching any trailers or promo, but I doubt anything could have prepared me for the existence of mpreg. In fact, I wasn't going to document my reactions until I saw that.

NAMURA!!!!!!!!! MY BELOVED!!!!!! I CAN STILL THIRST FOR YOU WITHOUT GUILT

The coach teacher just called the kids zoomers so I have to dock one point from my final rating just because of that. Unforgivable

Those husky animation models suck lmao

Oh fuck the titans got power ranger zords!!

God why did they include the mpreg??? This movie would have been perfect without it.... After that plot point being revisited only one time I'm already beyond done with it

Like it's bringing me back to the v*ltron days where they're was a suspiciously high amount of klance omegaverse and mpreg fics and art created and it physically hurts because Steve and Keith's voice actor is the same person meaning this is especially cursed to me since I was unfortunately in the v*ltron fandom and remember all of that

But like on another note, how old are these characters again??? I haven't checked any wikis because of spoilers but is Steve an adult??? I know aja might be technically a lot older than 18 because alien but is whatever age she is equivalent to an adult as far as emotionally and physically in Akaridion development??? IS THIS A TEEN (M)PREGNANCY IN A KIDS SHOW????

Like bruh I saw a singular post on here before going into the movie that was like "rott spoilers without context" and there was a pregnant belly but I was absolutely not expecting the actual context of it. I'll find the post after I finish and edit this post to tag the creator right here: @makoden

This entire post is just gonna be me ranting about mpreg huh

Anyway I love the whole roundtable allusion to the legends of king arthur (not the toa version but the one he's based off)

THERE'S 3 TO 5 BABIES????? I need to take a break bruh this is just too much

Alright I've taken a 30 minute break got some food and did some things i love (decompressed by tactile stimming with some owl plushies and watched some videos on my favorite owl, Garu. He lives in Japan with his owner and is a domesticated eagle owl who basically just acts like a sky cat. If anyone else needs some eye bleach, here is their YouTube channel)

Blinky and ARRRGHHH!!! saying their "if one of us doesn't make it" talk my god one of them is going to die I can see it and I will be utterly crushed. Jim can't lose another father figure and Toby can't lose his wingman again I will riot if this happens

On a similar but unrelated to the movie note, can we just talk about how toa started with Jim having 0 dads and (if strickler and blinky live to the end) will end with 2 dads? Like I just really feel happy for him that he has two dads who actually figured out how to put the past behind them to not have any infighting between them so that both of them are healthy father figures. Jim has already been through literal hell and back losing his actual humanity in the process so if he loses one of them, I'm going to be really pissed because at this point, this is just Jim torture porn. Y'all know how as SpongeBob SquarePants went on, the show just became Squidward torture porn? It's starting to feel that way for toa and I really hope they cut the shit by the ending

Jlaire is such a good ship but like I feel like it's too perfect they never disagree with each other

YESSSSSSS Someone finally doesn't treat toby like a fat waste of space who messes stuff up!!! I think out of all the characters that would have been most deserving of a rewrite, it's Toby. Sometimes I just feel he's only comic relief and any heartfelt moments he's had in the series was also born of stupidity (ie his flour baby project being unharmed was seen by him as divine intervention from his parents but was actually just Eli and Steve behind the scenes).

Ohhhhh yesssssss Archie's father!!! I was hoping I'd see him again because we got so little of him last

Ooooooooooh Asian trollmarket!!!!!

Oh never mind slavery trollmarket

Bruh titanic camelot

I feel like we're not seeing enough of the villains because I completely forgot about the power ranger zord things

NAMORA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY LAST CRUSHHHH

STRICKLER NO NOT YOU TOO PLEASE

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE ONLY TWO CHARACTERS I SIMP FOR ON THIS SHOW DIED WITHIN FIVE MINUTES OF EACH OTHER

THAT WHOLE ASS RANT I WROTE IS COMING TRUE FUCK THIS MOVIE THIS SERIES IS JUST JIM TORTURE PORN

WAIT JIM'S SPERM DONOR INFO?

Oh thank God I don't want to know anything about that person

For the record, I call that man Jim's sperm donor because he has no business being called a father to him. All he did was donate some swimmers to the creation of him and give him abandonment issues

Oh another blind troll elder???? This fucker is just if vendel was a bad guy

Bruh I was grieving

PACIFIC RIM WITH GUN ROBOT VEX AND THE BELROCZORD? I've never seen that movie but I know the reference

Bruh Blinky doesn't read horoscopes? Does he realize conspiracy theories are just the manly version of horoscopes?

NO DON'T KILL VEX STOP KO-ING FOUND FAMILY MEMBERS

Oh thank God he's okay

NO NOT ARCHIE AND CHARLEMAGNE OH MY GOD

oh never mind they're just gonna coup de tat I believe in them :))

But I want to see him again

But I'm glad to see vex

Yay they're in arcadia!

But yeah I wondered why the trolls and Merlin didn't keep the whole "daylight doesn't hurt trolls" feature from the eternal night but now Guillermo del Toro I see you were playing the long con in that just to kill my girl Namora :(((

Oooooh I love the animation of the Narizord over Chihuahua!! It looks very good and realistic (if only they could have put some of that into those huskies from before smh)

Bruh the character designs of the arcane order are so good I want to be them

Nari making sure the Skraelzord doesn't crush the bus

DAMN DOUBLE HOMICIDE

Bruh I'm just glad we finally have an answer on why arcadia had everything going on as opposed to literally anywhere else!! I always found that as a weird coincidence for plot convince.

BRUH WERE BACK TO THE MPREG IM SO JEALOUS I FORGOT ABOUT THAT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS GRIEVING THE LOSS OF MY LOVELIES.

Oh that's real convenient that the ninth configuration meant all of them. Way to not decide which character gets more attention. Though it probably was a smart way to not have any infighting in the fandom between each character's stan group.

Bruh I just realized where is Barbera did they just ditch her on the Camelot ship???

And where are the other trolls that migrated at the end of trollhunters s3? They said something about new jersey but obviously Jim and the other main characters got on Camelot instead.... This feels like a plot hole

And we never learned the process of how changelings are made and bonded to humans and stuff. We just know it's super painful but I'm curious ffs!!!!

THE DONT THINK BECOME HERO SPEECH ALL SAID TOGETHER!!!

BRUH THEY REALLY HAD TO SHOW HIM GIVING BIRTH??????? WAS THAT AN ABSOLUTE MUST??????

Plus the main audience for this series is little children (the rating for the movie is literally TV-Y7) so even though my adult ass is not in the target audience, I STILL DONT UNDERSTAND WHY WOULD MPREG AND ANAL BIRTH WOULD BE AN IMPORTANT THING TO 7 YEAR OLDS???? THIS IS A LITERAL FETISH HIDDEN IN KIDS CONTENT ITS ELSAGATE ALL OVER AGAIN Y'ALL 😭😭😭😭😭

Though it's probably hypocritical of me to think fetishes don't belong in kids tv when I've openly admitted to thirsting for strickler and namora

HUZZAH

NEW AMULET WAZ GOOD????

STAB THAT BITCH JIM

WAIT NO I SAID STAB NOT GET STABBED

Alright good job just missed the directions at first but you fixed it

SEVEN KIDS?????????

T O B Y ????????????

W A I T NO

N O

IS HE ACTUALLY

OH MY GOD THERE'S HOPE

NO THERE ISN'T

F U C K THIS SHIT THEY REALLY JUST HAD HIM TO BE BULLIED THEN KILLED

Y'ALL IM ACTUALLY CRYING THIS NEVER HAPPENS

I NEVER ACTUALLY GET SO EMOTIONAL OVER MEDIA THAT I CRY IT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE AT THE END OF VOLTRON BUT AHHHHHHHH

W A I T

HE'S GONNA BE BROUGHT BACK?????

HOLD UP THEY'RE JUST GONNA BRING ALL THOSE DEAD PEOPLE BACK??????

WAIT IS HE

BLINKY CALLED HIM A SON

HOLD ON IS THIS GOING TO BE A CLIFFHANGER???????????

BRUH THEY REALLY JUST CAN'T END THE SERIES WITHOUT CLIFFHANGERS like there's always an open ending

TROLLHUNTER TOBY????? You know what forget the whole rants I had on how toby was written they just redeemed it all

And that's all! I'd rate it a 6.5/10 because it's definitely the weakest of all the sequels but still had amazing animation and some good plot points. It's just really hard to look over the bad stuff enough to rate it any higher.

[taejeonie]

that punch, 날리고 🥊

— aka a markhee vlive scenario where they’re dating YAYY

*english is italicized but if they’re speaking in korean it’s not (including the comments)

“guys guys guys guys”

“HELLO EVERYONEEEE”

“G U Y S”

“GUYS”

markhee, harmonizing: “GuUuUuUYSSS!”

okay who gave them sugar

anyways

they’re both sweating bc they just finished practicing

we stan hard working legends amarite

mark was wearing his cap backwards but taehee flicked the back so it falls off his head :p

he sighs at her in disbelief, while smiling ofc, and places his cap back on his head

then taehee brings her face closer to the phone to read the comments

markswatermelons MY BABIES 🥺🥺🥺

taeyongcutiepie did you guys just finish practicing?

ncitygottagogetem PUNCH WAS SOOO GOOD!!

“did you guys enjoy punch?,” she asks

“we just finished practicing for a bit. everyone left already but taehee wanted to do vlive so i waited for her”

hyucksunshine you guys are soulmates

“actually, we filmed on weekly idol yesterday and we had a lot of fun,,,so please look forward to it!!!”

mark laughed bc he found the way she said it cute ;((

“ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ˡᵒᵒᵏ ᶠᵒʳʷᵃʳᵈ ᵗᵒ ⁱᵗ﹗﹗,” he copied her

taehee brings her phone out and puts her playlist on shuffle

happiness by roc plays first, “ahh i like this”

she pretended she was holding a mic while singing the lyrics in a quiet tone

meanwhile mark was talking about the photoshoot their maknae line had for star1

they looked so good in it PLEASE

“i’ll be the one,,,who stays til the end,,,,”

“honestly, the ambience helped us a lot get into the photoshoot. it was like warm and had like,,,an outdoor kind of feeling”

“and i’ll be the one that proposes,,in a garden of roses...”

taehee leans into mark’s shoulder while singing it’s free estate guys and he immediately puts his arm around her shoulders, still talking about the photoshoot

neoblink MARKHEEEE 💚💚

taeilsbutterfly i saw the behind the scenes!! mark and taehee kept dancing to ridin, it was so cute :>

“cause i am the one!! who waited this looong!! i am the one,,who might get it wrong”

at this point, mark finished talking about the shoot and is currently reading the comments

“and i'll be the one that will love you the way i'm supposed to”

taehee tilts mark’s head to face her while she sang the lyrics

and he had to hold himself back from kissing her right then and there

markswatermelons DID HE JUST LOOK AT HER LIPS

johfam i wouldn’t be surprised if they’re dating

jaeminanana they should just admit it already!!

mark realized what he was doing and pushed her away gently

but taehee and her dramatic ass pretended he pushed her really hard and fell on the floor

“OWWW”

“I DIDN’T EVEN PUSH YOU THAT HARD?? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

you hear taehee giggle before popping back into the frame and saying, “just kidding!!! hihi (*^▽^*)”

“ahh you and haechan are the same, really”

“hmm,” she pouts, “but i’m your-“

pause!!! since she was about to say GIRLFRIEND

“-favorite”

mark tried to hold in his laugh since she knows she was about to slip up

but she didn’t!! hehe

when it comes to the instrumental part, taehee pulls mark to stand up so they can dance

they’re hiphop dancers but u know how like

old people dance

yeah that’s exactly what they’re doing

still cute tho,,,,

markheeyipee they’re just friends guys

taehyucktion taehee’s really affectionate with the members, just like haechan!!

taeheelovely taehee!! what’s your lockscreen?

“what’s my lockscreen? guess :>>”

mark takes a peek at her lockscreen and starts laughing, “what is that??? when did you take this haha”

chenlerap a funny picture of haechan???

jaehyunsdimple probably jisung? since he said he sent her a funny picture a few days ago...

markheepizza MARK!!!

after that one ‘mark’ comment,,everyone started saying it WAS mark

“CORRECT!!! it’s mark!! but for his sake, i won’t show it to you guys (*´꒳`*)”

it was a picture of mark in white tee, messy hair, kissable lips like u know that video of mark holding a sb drink and there was a fan in his shirt?? mm yes very boyfriend material

taehee takes a look at her lockscreen again, “hmm but you look handsome in it though?? i guess it won’t hurt to show- HEY”

mark grabbed her phone and placed it in his pocket

taehee ran her tongue along the inside of her cheek and was tempted to reach for it

but he raised his brow at her as if to say “what? are you gonna get it?”

i live for cocky and confident mark lee

so taehee just shakes her head at him and faces the camera

“these days mark LOVES to take my phone,,he isn’t even going to use it he just takes it and keeps it there”

in reality mark just wants her to pay attention to him more in the dorms awww

“ah my homescreen? secreeeet (*´ω｀*)”

it was a picture of them sleeping in the backseat

taehee’s head was buried in mark’s neck, his head laid on top of hers while his arm was wrapped her shoulders

no one noticed except hyuck, so he took a pic of them

(〃ω〃)

ANYWAYSSS

“oh i remember we have drinks”

she goes off screen while mark watches her

“do you want me to get yours?,” he nods

“sLUSHIEEE”

“mark’s is red and mine’s blue- what is that? watermelon?”

“i thought it was,,but it was strawberry. you wanna taste?”

she takes a sip from his straw and glances at him, “it’s good!! you wanna taste mine?”

later into the vlive you would notice that they switched drinks already

they spent the next few moments reading comments from czennies 

chenlescars netflix recommendation? pwarkjisung what songs do you listen to these days? neogotmyback TAEHEE I LOVE YOUR HAIR

“’taehee i love your hair’”

“oh thank you!! i wanted to dye it blue for quite some time and the hyungs- oppas told me i should go for it hihi”

mark giggleD as he pointed at the screen

“what is it?”

jeon_jieun taehee, my baby!!! you look so grown up now!! 💚💚💚

“AA MOM!! (o-_-o)”

“HAHAHA YOU’RE SO CUTE”

“hi mom ;<< have you eaten?”

jeon_jieun yes :))))

“AHAHHAHAH SHE ANSWERED”

“mark and i will eat at the dorms if you’re wondering. we just finished practicing so we’ll eat right away”

“teehee’s mom, hello!!” 

mark lee is the type of boy your mom would want you to marry 

and maybe teehee’s mom would too jdbjksb

“actually, the only members who met my mom, like in-person, were you, haechan, doyoung-oppa, and taeyong-oppa”

“really?”

“yeah,,,the rest were through video call”

“ahh”

“she’s really fond of you,,”

“oh really?”

“haechan too”

“oh”

“HAHA WHY IS YOUR REACTION LIKE THAT?”

“LIKE WHAT?”

markjohnjae the way mark’s face went from ☺️ to 😐

“don’t worry, if you come home with me next time, you could take haechan’s spot as her favorite”

“mom, please look forward to it! (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞”

markheearchive DID MARK JUST CALL TAEHEE’S MOM “MOM” OMG THEY’RE GETTING MARRIED  hyucksolo MARKHEE ENDGAME

mark’s solo was the next song to play on her playlist

“ah this is my favorite song,” taehee said as she bopped her head to ‘talk about’, making mark laugh

she rapped the lyrics effortlessly and you could clearly see the heart eyes on mark’s face

until she imitated how mark growled during that one part of his rap

“this that MuRDER from the tongue-“

“OH WHAT DUDE DO I SOUND LIKE THAT?”

“HAHAHAHA”

“I DONT DO IT LIKE THAT!!”

“NOOOO, DUDE NO I SWEAR I WATCHED YOUR FANCAMS AND YOU DO SOUND LIKE THAT!!”

taehee chuckles at mark’s shy face, “okay, then show me”

“like right now” “mhmm”

...

“it’s the MuRDER from the tongue,,”

“it sounds the same!!”

“no it isn’t,,”

“oh what? yours is like,,sexier? is that what you want me to say?”

mark stares at her fondly for a moment before telling her, “i didn’t say thaaat”

“you like it either way ;))”

neodream07 do you watch ridin club?

“ridin club? what’s ridin club”

“it’s like the variety show of the kids”

“oHHHH”

“see? this is why they like me more than mark”

“pft”

“jaemin kissed haechan, right? jeno did too, almost”

mark laughed, “really??”

“yeah, aaa that kid. one day, he’s gonna do it for real and regret it.”

“but he already did?”

“what? when?”

“when we were filming the music video for ‘go’,,,your lips touched haha,,right?”

taehee (　˙-˙　)

“oh yeah right- i remember now”

her disgusted face while saying that made mark laugh

later on, mark felt taehee’s phone vibrate in his pocket so he brought it out and gave it to her

“haechanie texted me,,he said we should go back to the dorms- *laughs* he wants to play games already”

“what time is it?,” mark yawned

“it’s 11:57,,” she bit her lip and looked at mark

he does look like he’s about to sleep already

and he stayed with taehee so she won’t go live and go home on her own

(● ˃̶͈̀ロ˂̶͈́)੭ꠥ⁾⁾ i want a mark

“guys, we’re gonna have to wrap up now,,sorry for making the vlive so short :((((“

it’s been an hour taehee wym so short :<<

markhee stans are well fed

taeheebubs awww

markhyucktingles it’s okay bb!! get some rest <33

doyoungbunny get home safely!! and stay healthy!!

“you guys stay safe!! we’ll see each other soon,” mark waved

“goodnight guys!! or goodmorning- wherever you are. enjoy the rest of your day!! byeeee”

taehee turns off the vlive and stretches a bit while mark leans back to lay on the floor

she stands up and grabs her and mark’s bags after throwing their drinks in the trash bin

“come on, let’s go home :>>”

mark grabs her hand as he stood up, gets his backpack from her, and slings it around his shoulders

gently, he pulls taehee towards him and places a short kiss on her lips

she holds back a smile, “why so suddenly?”

“i wanted to do it earlier but i couldn’t”

their voices sound so small even if they’re the only ones in the practice room at that moment

it’s the butterflies,,,(//∇//)

she smiles and cups his face to bring him in for a longer kiss

mark smiles as he felt her deepen the kiss, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her closer

short, sweet kisses soon turned into hot, opened-mouth ones and taehee’s got her hands in mark’s hair, making a small sound come out of him

taehee’s phone rings once again, making her pull away from mark before giving him one last peck on the lips

mark lee best kisser i think

mark intertwines their hands together as she accepted the call,,,led her out of the practice room and to the elevator

“noona, why are you laughing? it’s so late, are you still there?”

“we’re about to get off the elevator, don’t worry”

“the live ended a few minutes agooo. what took you so loooong”

taehee senses the pout in hyuck’s voice and chuckles at him, “secret. we’ll play games later, byeee”

“secret...? sECRET-“

beep

“you ended the call just like that?,” mark laughs at her

taehee shrugs in response

later when they’re at home and in their taehee’s bed, they head off to sleep after taehee played rounds with hyuck and johnny

as taehee’s head laid snug on mark’s chest, his arms wrapped around her frame to keep her close, mark thought nothing could get as cozy as this moment.

[babygirlblogging-lise-blog]

My First

I failed my driving test. 

That was in the fall of 2017, I was a senior in high school. All of my friends were getting their licenses and cars while I was stuck being a passenger. The woman who failed me thought I wasn’t confident enough. Like damn, can’t even be nervous without being penalized these days huh? She failed me for the most ridiculous shit. But that has nothing to do with the story I plan on telling. 

A few weeks before my eighteenth birthday I tried again. This was something I needed to do before I turned 18. Giving up wasn’t an option. There was no way I wanted to retake my written if I didn’t pass before I was considered a legal adult. The guy who tested me this time? He was fine as hell and now that I think about it, I was supposed to text him when I turned eighteen. I lost his number, sadly. But that also has nothing to do with the story. I want to tell you the story about the first guy I-

-’ve always been cheap. I was ten when my aunt was going to get a new car. I convinced her to save her old car for me so that when I started driving I wouldn’t have to buy a car. By the end of the summer of 2017, my grandpa fixed up the old car and I was all good to go. Free to go wherever I wanted. I no longer had to wait around for people, waste money on lyfts or walk. So naturally, I took myself on adventures. 

One night, against my better judgement. I lied to my mom and said I was going to hang out with my friends. If I would have told her what I was really going to do, she would’ve gone into over protective mode and I didn’t want that. I just wanted some time to myself. I drove over the bridge and into Philly. Not for a concert or any other event. I just wanted some me time. I parked my car. Got oreo ice cream and sugar cookies from Insomnia Cookies and walked around the city. 

Not going to lie and say I knew exactly where I was at all times. I wasn’t even guaranteed that I was safe, I wasn’t focused on my surroundings. All I know is I was somewhere around Broad Street, because that’s where Insomnia Cookies was located. I came across this huge, gorgeous building, I’m not very good at names. Everything was lit up and there was art on the sides of some of the buildings surrounding it. There was even a fountain in front of it all. The scene just looked so beautiful. I walked across the street, hopped up on a ledge and just took it all in. It felt serene, even with so many people flooding the sidewalks. I sat and continued eating my snacks, I was enjoying clearing my head. Until someone interrupted me that is… 

“Hey.” I looked up to see a cute guy. There were a few girls not too far from me talking. It was the beginning of August, late at night but still pushing eighty degrees. Of course they were clad in clothes that left nothing to the imagination. I figured he was talking to them. Guys like the ones who look easy. He couldn’t have been talking to me. So I went back to dipping my cookie into my ice cream and admiring the scenery. I didn’t really acknowledge the fact that he moved a little closer to me. He said hey again and I finally looked up at him directly, before looking around. He laughed a little. “I don’t blame you for being that into ya snacks. I love their shit. But I’ve been trying to get your attention for a minute.” Yep, he’s definitely talking to me. I was confused as to why though. I get hit on by guys pretty often, I know I’m not ugly but with him talking to me, I felt extremely insecure. Suddenly I wished that I had dressed a little better. I looked like a child for fucks sakes. I was wearing a gold fish shirt, black tights, a hat that said “Hoodrats” and Chucks. I was even swinging my legs off the ledge, eating ice cream! 

He introduced himself as Dey. I wanted to know the name his mom gave him so I asked him for his full name. Ayinde. Pronounced Uh-zhen-day. Unique. It has African origins. He told me that my name was almost as pretty as I was. If I were white, I definitely would have blushed. I didn’t understand why he made me feel so shy. 

 I learned that he was mixed with Irish, Haitian and Cuban. Interesting mix, I know. Despite his slight baby face, he turned out to be 20. He was tall, about 6’1. He had taken his hat off to redo his ponytail, he tied his curly, brown hair back into a man bun. He was light skinned with a slight tan. Doe brown eyes paired with the cutest smile. He was dressed in all black, I would’ve been a little concerned if it weren’t for the logo on his hat. I could see a tattoo peeking out from under his short sleeved shirt. Just my type. 

I was tired of the small talk and beating around the bush. “Why’d you come over here to talk to me?” Instead of replying, the douche just smiled and then hopped up on the ledge next to me. It was weird. I was supposed to be having me time, if any other guy did this I would’ve been rude. I wouldn’t have given them the time of day. I wasn’t even afraid, Ayinde strangely made me feel safe. Something was telling me to give him a chance, instead of shutting him down. 

“Well, I was on break, I work across the street.” He points to a small cafe. “I saw you walk by and… I don’t know I thought you were beautiful. Now that I’ve gotten closer, it seems so effortless. No make up and you’re not even dressed up.”

Shit, I have no clue what to say to this. He’s been nice and respectful. “Thank you.” Well, that was lame but it was safe. We talked more before he had to go back to work. He was funny as hell, we both had the same rude, dark, sarcastic humor. He complimented me pretty often and he seemed kind of bummed that he had to leave once his break was over. 

“Why don’t you grow some balls and just ask me what you wanna ask me.” I thought to myself, I should be a fucking actress. I’m great at faking confidence. 

He laughed and just smiled at me for a second. “Well, I would like to get to know you more. Can I get your number?” 

You know when you give someone your number, you almost expect them to wait days or weeks to text you. Surprisingly, Ayinde texted me that night. 

AYINDE: hey beautiful, u get home safely?

ME: Oh shit, I see u found ur balls! 

AYINDE: lol yea yea yea. I know I was acting like a pussy earlier but that’s not how I usually am

***

AYINDE: FT me? I haven’t seen u since we met punk

ME: No I look crazy rn 

AYINDE: Is tht even possible? I think you’re cute af

ME: aww thanks but everyone’s entitled to their own insecurities

AYINDE: Ig but that’s y u need me 

ME: wym?

AYINDE: to take away your insecurities

ME: Doubt that’s possible 

AYINDE: try me

***

ME: entertain meee! I’m bored, stuck at my great grandma’s house :(

AYINDE: I literally just woke up, still in bed

ME: Luckyyy, my head’s fucking killing me

AYINDE: wish I could help

ME: me too lol do u have superpowers? 

AYINDE: no, do u?

ME: Nah I’m not tht awesome 

AYINDE: I think ur pretty awesome

Ayinde and I got closer over the next month. We hadn’t actually seen each other after the first time we met. He worked crazy hours and still had school. I worked everyday and had school as well. Plus, I wasn’t completely comfortable meeting up with a guy I didn’t really know. He understood that. He always made sure I was comfortable before we did anything. He eventually convinced me to facetime him… a lot... and when we didn’t he acted like a big baby.

ME: u happy now?

AYINDE: lol no

ME: y not -_-

AYINDE: I got nothing pretty to look at now

ME: whose fault it tht?

AYINDE: idk. Do u kno?

ME: Lol yea ik

AYINDE: tell me 

ME: yours :P

AYINDE: well if u came over we wouldn’t have this problem

I was a very late bloomer. I knew freshmen girls who got pregnant, meanwhile I hadn’t had my first kiss until I was 16. I didn’t start dating until 17. I was a fresh 18 and I was still a virgin. I waited a while to tell him because I liked him and didn’t want to scare him off. But he surprised me, I learned that he wasn’t like other guys. Most guys only want you for one thing. And that’s to get them off. Not all are gonna be lovey dovey when you’re not putting out. 

ME: I hate being a girl. I think my uterus just exlpoded. Im dying

AYINDE: Aww u can’t die yet, I havent taken u out yet

ME: wut do u want from meee

AYINDE: I told u what I want 

ME: hmmmm

AYINDE: i didnt? 

ME: u could have an ulterior motive

AYINDE: lol what? Ayo y cant I just think ur gorgeous and want to get to kno u, find out who u r

***

He was very protective of me. Anytime I even looked a tiny bit sad or sounded off, he was ready to beat someone up for me. 

AYINDE: ur awake? 

ME: Yea just woke up on some bs 

AYINDE: u good?

ME: yea im ok lol

AYINDE: u sure? I’ll fuck someone up

ME: lol yea im good now

And as the oldest, always looking out for my little brothers and my friends. It felt good to have someone looking out for me for a change. 

***

ME: I move into college tmw nd I aint pack shit yet

AYINDE: ur bugging

ME: Pack 4 me?

AYINDE: lol ill pass

ME: my back hurts like all hell, some of this shit is heavy

AYINDE: what u carrying…?

ME: 4 one, I hav a lot of clothes, they add up nd I had to take em downstairs

AYINDE: lol whoakay wittle wone

ME: fuck u, this shit weighs more than me! I almost fell down the stairs!

AYINDE: thts cuz ur like 87 lbs

ME: Aye! Give me my props, im like 120

AYINDE: lol i see u killa

I fucking loved when he called me that, made me feel invincible. 

Despite how it seems this isn’t a love story. This isn’t a memoir about me finding my first love. Bleh. That’s so sappy. I want to tell you about the first time I stepped out of my comfort zone. You’ve experienced a snippet of our relationship. Ayinde and I were never together. We were just people who met at the wrong time. Had too much going on in our separate lives to focus on developing a relationship. But it didn’t stop us from pursuing the unique friendship we had. For years we maintained contact, I’d visit him pretty often but we always kept our distance when it came to personal things. We used each other as escapes from our realities. We were each other’s vacation after a long week. 

One night we were hanging out and things got more heated than they usually did. I wasn’t prepared to take the next step with anyone. No worries, I’m not about to make you uncomfortable and talk about how I lost my virginity because that isn’t the point. Before I say anything, I did have a great childhood. But some things did leave me scarred, I struggled with intimacy as a result. To make a long story short, it makes me self conscious, not something I’ll flaunt for the whole world to see. 

I’m the type of girl who will wait until the bathroom is empty to change my pad or start going to the bathroom. If it’s too busy, I’ll wait all day until I go home. In the locker room, I’d find the farthest corner or wait until all the girls leave to change my clothes. I’m not comfortable being alone around men. I used to clench my pocket knife in my hand when I walked home alone at night. The list goes on. 

The point of this memoir is to tell about the first time I felt completely comfortable in my own skin. Let alone, around a guy. 

They were everywhere. Trailing from my neck and back up against mine. His lips were distracting. I could barely focus. Let alone notice that the both of us were wearing less and less clothing by the minute. I stopped. 

I wouldn’t be able to handle him not liking what he saw. What if I did a bad job? What if he stopped talking to me?

“Do you want me to stop?” Ayinde pulled back from me looking concerned. He looks so cute right now. I kind of wanted to pick up where we left off. 

“Ye-No. It’s just, can you turn the lights completely down?” He liked his room dim, not too bright or dark. It was normally perfect but at that moment, they were making this situation turn into a nightmare.

“Um, why? What’s wrong?” He’s still hovering above me. I didn’t really want him to move. I bit my lip, contemplating. 

“Just don’t look at me any differently. Okay?” I pulled him down by the back of his neck and kissed him hard. Hoping that my issues with myself wouldn’t be a big deal, I’ve never gone this far with anyone. 

When the time came. I held my breath. Okay, I see my pants on the floor near the dresser. My shirt is near the door. I was locating my clothing so that I’d be able to leave quicker. I’m not really one to feel embarrassed but this was going to be borderline humiliating if I wasn’t enough for him. This reminded me of how I felt when I failed my driving test, but I wanted to do this with Ayinde. I didn’t want to quit just because I hadn’t grown the balls to show anyone else. I didn’t want to miss out because I was nervous as to what he might think. I had to at least give him a chance. 

What Ayinde did shocked me. Instead of being grossed out or losing his hard on. He didn’t ask any questions, he didn’t say anything. He kissed every part of my body and when he was done he leaned down to kiss my lips. I was worried, about him seeing all of me, for no reason. He wound up giving me the confidence I needed to be comfortable in my own skin. He told me what I needed to hear from a guy that I was into, not my parents: 

“You’re beautiful.”

And just like that... I didn’t have anymore insecurities.