#yangyangangst

[joon-june]

no title

WARNING: Major character death, suicide, depression themes, blood, mental health themes, angst

Authors Note:

Sometimes I zone out and think some really sad scenarios this is one. idk if Yangyang is really the most fitting member but hes who I was thinking about so I wrote it with him.

Description: 

Yangyang telling fans about the love of his life 

Pairing: Yangyang/reader or Yangyang/unidentified female 

________________________________________________________________ With shaking hands Yangyang set his phone up on the stand. He was terrified of what was to come but knew he needed to do this nonetheless- he needed to do it for both himself and for her.

Yangyang sucked in a deep breath and started the live stream- anxiously watching the view count increase, 100, 3k, 10k. The chat came alive asking him what was wrong- ‘Why do you look so sad?’ ‘He looks so depressed’ ‘Yang are you okay?’ Before he could get overwhelmed and chicken out he hid the chat from sight. He didn’t know how they would react but really he didn’t care. At 15k viewers Yangyang spoke his first word since the start of the live 5 minutes ago. 

“Hey guys. I have something I want to talk about.”  He looked around the room trying to ease his tension. There was no turning back now.

“3 years ago I met someone, more specifically I met a girl, and it didn’t take long for this girl to become my everything. She was perfect in every way from the way her eyes lit up when she was excited to the way she always threw herself into everything she did.” Yangyang smiled and thought back to a memory he had from shortly after they had started dating.

“I want to make a 6 foot tall painting.” She said out of nowhere looking into the small stores located along the pathway back to her tiny apartment. Yangyang chucked a little bit following her line of sight to see a large stark white canvas located in the window of a run down art store. Had that always been there? Yangyang wasn’t sure whenever they walked home with her he never looked at the stores along the way too focused on the softness of her hair, the lightness of her voice and even the feel of her hand in his. Dragging Yangyang by his hand they ventured into the old store run by an eccentric elderly woman who smiled at them, mumbling something about young love.

“What are you even going to paint?” He said as she pulled him through the isles tossing him various paints to carry.

“Well WE are going to paint giant frog because it will be fun.” She said with a warm smile. Yangyang could argue with that and smiled, his long legs continuing to follow behind her. At the check out the older woman smiled at them and listened intently as she described what the plans for the project was to the older lady. Yangyang knows he should be listening but all he can think is how beautiful she looks talking animatedly.

Over the course of the next few weeks everytime Yangyang went over to her house they worked on the painting together, usually ending up covered in green paint and infected with giggles. On the last night after the finishing touches were put on the painting she kneeled at the bottom taking a thin paintbrush and signed their names with a heart and a date. With a wide smile she looked at Yangyang “perfect.” 

Realizing he had been quiet for far too long Yangyang cleared his throat, focusing on what he was doing. “I was so sure she was the one.” 

“She wasn't completely perfect though, long before I knew her, she was fighting a war in her head.” Biting his cheek Yangyang took another deep breath, he knew this was the start of the hard part. 

Yangyang was worried, it had been 3 days since he heard from her. He tried to call no response. He tried to text no response. This wasn’t like her, in fact in the 7 months since they met a day hadn’t gone by where she didn’t at least send him a silly video. 

Practice ran late - he couldn’t focus and kept messing up one part of the choreography, he still didn’t get it and he knew he wouldn’t because his mind was somewhere else.Opting out of changing in favor of leaving as quickly as possible he left to go to her apartment. At this point in their relationship he prefered not to stop by unexpected but this was a last resort, he needed to know why she randomly stopped answering. 

On his way Yangyang thinks frantically about his last encounter with her, nothing that happened could justify her disappearance. The building was in sight now and Yangyang sprinted inside waving at the office person and taking the stairs 2 at a time.  Breathing heavy he banged on your door -no answer- he knocked again - no answer- just as he went to knock again the door swung open. 

Upon seeing her Yangyang was flooded with emotions.. Her hair was tangled and neglected, makeup had clearly not been removed since they last saw each other, and her old pajamas were covered in stains. The girl that stood in front of him was a shell of the girl he kissed goodnight 3 days ago. Unsure of what to say she slowly stepped back letting him inside “What are you doing here?” She said in a whisper so soft he almost missed it.\

 “I was worried, you stopped answering.” He explained looking around the living room, there were dishes everywhere and it was clear she hadn’t cleaned in awhile - much longer than the 3 days since he had seen her last. 

Biting her lip she glanced around “I lost my phone, it’s somewhere around her but probably dead.” The pieces started to fit together as a knot formed in his throat, despite knowing the answer already Yangyang asked “Are you okay?” Shakily she shook her head looking up to him with tears in her eyes “I don’t think I am.”

Yangyang walked deeper into the apartment, leaving her at the door and quickly getting to work cleaning the apartment. She watched him in disbelief “you don’t need to do that.” 

“I know but I want to help you and this is the first thing I could think of” more tears came to her eyes as she fell back into the cluttered couch curling into a tight ball watching her boyfriend move quickly to put everything back in order. 

When he finished, Yangyang squatted next to the couch where she was unmoving. “Would you like to take a bath with me?” He asked his larger hand gently pushing the hair of her face, hesitantly she nodded and he stood “I’ll come get you when it’s ready.” 

Sitting between his legs he washed her hair before lathering it with conditioner and working the knots out with a hair brush. “I love you, you know that right?” He whispered into her shoulder. A soft shutter wracked through her body - “It hurts to see you like this, I want to help you but I know I can only be there for you. Please let me be there for you.” His voice cracked at the end. She knew he was crying and reached back to hold one of his hands, clutching it to her heart. In a quiet voice that echoed through the small bathroom she said “ I love you too.” 

With a choked noise Yangyang kept talking “Somedays it was worse than others and I tried so hard to be there for her but it wasn’t enough.” The tears had started. Yangyang heard someone come into the room and he didn’t need to look up to know it was Ten, a hand rubbed his back as he let out another quiet sob. “It had started to get bad again, so I tried to stay with her, to make it better but I had to go, I had to go to work,” Yangyang was shaking hard now. Ten pulled him into a soft hug and held him as slowly the sobs slowly began to quiet down. “After shooting I went straight to her apartment but it was different this time, it felt different, it was cold and when I went inside and I couldn’t find her, until I did - I found her and I wish I didn’t have to be me, there was so much blood I tried to call the ambulance but it was too late.” 

“Babe I’m back, shooting went a little bit late but I’m here now.” Yangyang shouted as he opened the door. Peeking into the main rooms of the house Yangyang’s eyebrows furrowed before focusing on the closed bathroom door. Shaky steps carried him to the door, knocking softly on the door “Baby I’m home are you in here?”

 Silence.

 Slowly Yangyang opened the door and peaked in to see if she was there. Her body was on the ground and Yangyang’s throat closed as he saw the puddle of blood. He rushed inside the room, dropping to the floor next to her before frantically grabbing his phone to call an ambulance. He frantically shook her cold body searching for a pulse “wake up please wake up you can’t do this.”

 “911- What is your emergency?” 

“She’s bleeding, please help her won’t wake up.” he spoke frantically.

“Sir please slow down, where are you?” Yangyang tried to take a deep breath but it did nothing to ease him as he attempted to give her information to the operator. It did not take long for them to show up but upon arrival they knew she was already gone. 

“I loved her so much,” Yangyang said, attempting to wipe the endless stream of tears. “We were going to get married, and she was going to have our baby.” Looking down at his hands and with a strangled voice he softly said “she was 6 weeks.” A long pause settled over the room. “I came on here because I think I need to take a mental health break and I wanted to be honest.” Yangyang closed his eyes and tried to focus on the warmth from Ten’s hand as it rubbed his back. “I promise I will come back but I need time to take care of myself for a bit” Biting his cheek - unsure of what else to say Yangyang wrapped up the live stream “Thank you for your understanding I will be back before you know it, I love you guys” 

After the stream ended Ten gently pulled Yangyang back to his bed as he cried, holding him close and petting his hair he whispered “You are so strong you’re will be okay baby Yangyang it’s going to be okay.”