#yeah liam o'brien is going to kill you with his sad bois

[natp20]

feeling super Chill and Normal about them

[a-tired-narwhal]

Tell me more about your feelings about the details of Caleb's backstory!

Okay listen anon. LISTEN. This is going to be LONG. Did I immediately rewatch/go back through the entire wrap up to take notes? YES I DID. Anon I'm sorry this is so late, I didn't see your ask until after the stream. I hope this finds you (*＾3＾)/～♡

----

Caleb fucking Widogast. Liam O'Brien always creates/portrays characters that CAPTURE ME. And it is purely the undertow of SUFFERING that I crave.

As a survivor of an abusive childhood, specifically with manipulation, neglect, and physical trauma, and having a controlling abuser in a position of power over you - I was surprised and delighted by Liam's playing of Caleb, and I'm sure that I'm probably not the only one, but Caleb's backstory just had me nodding along. Was not surprised at all by what was revealed about the blumentrio's relationship being trauma-bonding and probably why I'll never be an avid shipper of them. Nothing about Caleb's backstory left me gasping - because it's a relatively common abuse survivor story, except it's in the world of dungeons and dragons with high fantasy and magic and more common place murdering than today in places where most Critters presumably live.

Let's break it down.

Caleb was born as Bren to a less than well off family, who wanted their child to have a better life than them. Bren is a gifted child, and this will immediately put a bullseye's target on a child's back, make no mistake, for abusive persons. Now, I don't know if it's a pretty obvious that parents would trust in a teaching figure to take their child for that child's betterment, because I don't have parents who wish for my betterment ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, but I like to think that Bren's parents handed him off hoping for his brightest future.

Trent is basically the textbook example of a Cult Leader. Beyond the experimentation he did on his students; everything he put the Blumentrio through is how you beat down and brainwash people, especially children/adolescents. Textbook. TEXTBOOK. It was the dnd equivalent of the Hilter Youth. Now my personal experience featured the tool of isolation, so I didn't have two childhood friends to pour myself into and have threesome's with, but that's actually smart of Ickythong, because when you're left alone with your whirling brain for too long, and there's no one to hold over your head - we start thinking those rebellious thoughts, and at some point we decide we have nothing to lose, and we will do ANYTHING to shake that control. No, he left them in that abandoned tower together so they would be forced to bond with each other, as well as allowing them not to die of exposure alone.

Trauma-bonding CAN be a manipulation and used against you. Now. We have three adolescents trying not to freeze to death by being as close as physically possible. For those that don't know; sharing body heat works best skin to skin - ya get naked and THEN you wrap up together to stay insulated. Awkward groping is going to happen, and it's more than likely accidental. But when you add raging hormones to the mix, yo it's not going to stay accidental for very long (that in no way indicates non consent, it can be either way), and the feelings can catch hard when you're young and physical and EVERY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP YOU HAD HAS BEEN TAKEN FROM YOU, IF YOU EVEN EVER HAD ONE. (I do not know Eadwulf or Astrid's home lives so your guess is as good as mine. We should probably ask Liam)

So you've got horny teenagers, with above average intelligence, being systematically abused... Bam. Trauma-bonded Blumentrio.

BUT HERE'S THE THING. Trauma-bonding can only get you so far. And they are children, actively being raised to NOT HAVE THEIR OWN THOUGHTS AND IDENTITIES. The relationship they built, the romantic and sexual, are based off of a shared hostile environment and survival needs. And when those circumstances are no longer there, the relationship tends to fall apart.

I love that Matt talked about Astrid for a bit, sad we didn't get more on Eadwulf - but Matt didn't really spend a lot of time roleplaying Wulf compared to Astrid, so he'd have more insight into her. I also find it interesting that the Blumentrio took 3 very different, but again SO COMMON, paths in dealing with their abuse. But that's a different rant.

Focus with me now on what Matt said about Astrid. She was actively seeking power throughout the campaign, looking always to climb that ladder to the top, for her own purposes which were not stated, and was willing to do anything, sacrifice anyone, to get that power. Was it a burden to her? Yeah I think so. Did it weigh on her? Again I personally think it did. But she was goal-oriented and she wasn't going to let anything stop her, not even herself, and she hated Trent. Matt implies that all three of the Blumentrio did/do. Astrid, Wulf, and Caleb were wildly different people - I don't think they would have stayed together even if Bren had stayed Bren instead of becoming Caleb.

I know A LOT of people were miffed over how Liam and Matt showed Caleb's and Essek's love for each other; and I am SO glad that Liam touched on this; Essek reminded Caleb too much of Astrid and Eadwulf. Now I know we love to joke that that Redhead Dirt Wizard has a Type (smart, ambitious, vaguely amoral), and believe me I LOVE THE JOKE, but Caleb pumping to brakes on Hot Boi makes THE MOST LOGICAL SENSE AND I WAS SO DELIGHTED WHEN LIAM PLAYED IT THAT WAY. Caleb was still trying to heal himself; WHY THE HELL WOULD HE JUMP INTO A MESS CALLED ESSEK? That's some mf UNHEALTHY, TOXIC romance trope ya got there. People fix themselves, not each other. THAT'S WHY CANON SHADOWGAST IS SO GOOD. THEY ARE WORKING TO IMPROVE THEMSELVES FIRST. THAT'S SO HOT.

Ahem.

So the Blumentrio hangout in Astrid's room to sex and study, in threes and twos (I have weird polyam questions, Liam). Now, I'm foggy on the exact timeframe that was together at Academy > kill your parents > Bren is chucked into the Sanitarium; but it's clear that after the murdering of parents, Bren is tagged as the "weakest link" - maybe he broke because he actually loved his family/had a loving family, maybe the manipulation spell from Ickythong didn't sit on him as well as Astrid and Wulf, maybe boi wasn't made for killing (a lie, the boi is a total killer, you have to be in most dnd campaigns), who knows. But he broke, and Astrid and Wulf handed him over - it would be dangerous for them if they tried too hard to protect him.

Because in that environment, in those circumstances, in that set up; you do what you have to, to survive. You hurt people you love, you hurt people you don't know, you even hurt yourself if it means improving your own odds. It's instinct. It's not your fault. You are doing the best you can with what you have available.

I don't hate Astrid and Eadwulf; I just have more emotional attachment and investment in Caleb, and prefer the color purple on him.

Which is actually a great segue into THE WOMAN AT THE SANITARIUM WHO FREED HIS MIND; Matt Mercer you beautiful man, thank you for giving us a Moonweaver connection, my lil widomauk heart was sent aflutter! So, here's the thing. Places like that, sanitariums, psych wards, etc - if you are not certifiably insane before you go in, you will be eventually. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest is not a fucking joke. But the thought of some forgotten Moonweaver Cleric recognizing Bren's torment and just, poof, dissolving that spell? *Chef's kiss* glorious, wonderful, everything I needed.

Anon, I don't know if this is what you wanted or expected - but here it is, my sincerest apologies 🐳

[axwalker]

Now and Then 4: Unrequited

I’m participating in @wackydrabbles and the prompt this week is # 45: “I don’t hate you” and will appear in bold.

Synopsis: Synopsis:   The story of Alexis’s and Drake’s friendship since they met when they were 10 years old until they become roommates after college. (AU)

In this chapter: Lexie tries to reconnect with her father while she deals with her feelings for Drake. 

Warning: Teen angst, A very bad father, Unrequited love. THE CONTENT OF THIS BLOG IS NOT SUITABLE FOR UNDER 18

Word count: 1700 🙈

Tagging wacky drabblers: @texaskitten30​ @bebepac​ @pedudley​ @sirbeepsalot​ @burnsoslow​ @ravenpuff02​ @loveellamae​ @oofchoices​ @emceesynonymroll​

Permatag: @ac27dj​ @twinkle-320​ @kimmiedoo5​ @marshmallowsandfire​ @mskaneko​ @pug-bitch​ @princessleac1​

2012. (17 years old)

Drake parked the Jeep that he had spent all summer repairing in front of Lex's house. While he waited for her, he turned on the radio and raised the volume at AC/DC's You Shook Me All Night Long. On his rear mirror, he saw Lexie leaving her house with a cherry Pop-Tart in her mouth, and her backpack half-opened; she was tying up her hair in a messy bun as she approached his car.

"The alarm didn't sound again?" Drake asked teasingly when she got into the car.

"It did." She chewed the last bit of Pop-Tart. "I got in an argument with my mom. My dad wants to see me, but she doesn't want me to go."

Drake frowned. "Out of the blue? Isn't that a little weird?"

"It's for my birthday, Drake."

"Lex, your birthday was more than two weeks ago."

"He was busy. He said he tried to call me, but you know this thing never works," Lexie said, pointing at her old cellphone.

Call me, Maybe start playing on the radio. She smiled mischievously.

Drake rolled his eyes, "Don't you dare, Lex."

Lexie looked at him mockingly and raised the volume.

"Just don't do the dance, please don't do the dance," he pleaded, knowing that it was pointless.

"Do you mean this dance?" she grinned as she sang along with the radio, dancing and mimicking the song's dance moves with her hands.

"You're such a dork." Drake chuckled.  

Lexie laughed. "Come on, Walker, I know you want to too." She kept singing. "Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy …" She threw Drake a mischievous look and pointed finger guns at him.

"… But here's my number, so call me maybe," Drake talked more than sang as he shook his head smiling. They both burst into laughter.

When the song ended, Drake lowered the volume and asked, "Are you going to see him?"

"My dad? Well … maybe …" She bit her lip.

He saw the gesture. "What?"

"I thought that maybe you could come with me?"

"Hard pass."

"Please, Drake! I really want to see him, but it's been a while. Plus, Cindy and Sean will be there too, they make me so nervous." Lexie grimaced at the thought of her stepmother and stepbrother.

Drake had never met George O'Brien. In their six years of friendship, Lexie's father had called her for her birthday a total of three times -always late- and she rarely saw him. Drake loathed the guy, but for some reason, Lexie was desperate to reconnect with him. Drake couldn't understand, if Bianca came back, he wouldn't even give her the time of day.

"If Elena doesn't want you to see him, she must have her reasons," Drake said as he parked the car.

"Dad was a crappy husband, but he loves me; he wants to have a relationship with me." She sighed. "You don't have to come if you don't want to, though."

Drake detected the hint of vulnerability in her voice. "Don't worry, Lex; I'll be there. When is it?"

"Tonight," Alexis replied as they walked to the school.

"Shit! I had a date with Haley."

The mention of Drake's girlfriend made Lexie nauseous. She had been unsuccessfully fighting her feelings for Drake for over a year. As much as she tried, she couldn't avoid the flip on her stomach when she saw him, or her heart racing every time he smiled at her.

"I know. I tried to change the day, but he refused."

"It's okay, Lex. I'll talk to Haley; I can always find ways to make it up to her later." Drake smiled.

"Eww! Disgusting, Walker”.  

"Drake!" Haley yelled with her sickly-sweet tone of voice

Alexis rolled her eyes. “And that's my cue to leave.”

“You could give her a chance, you know? She’s nice.”

“Right. See you at lunch?"

"Yeah.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The rest of the morning passed quickly. At lunch, Lexie threw a glance towards her regular table in the cafeteria. Liam, Olivia, and Max were talking while Haley and Drake were kissing each other. Alexis wondered if there ever came out for air. She was about to leave the cafeteria with an empty stomach when Max yelled her name.

Shit. Lexie waved back and sat next to Max across the two happy couples. She slammed her tray on the table, crashing it against Drake's.

"Is everything alright, Lexie?" Liam asked.

"Yeah," Lexie answered angrily.

Olivia and Max exchanged a look. They knew perfectly what the problem was.

"Penelope is having a party Sunday night. Would you like to come? She has a pool," Haley said, smiling.

"Sunday is GOT night, and we all watch it at Li's house, sorry," Lexie said dismissively.

Drake glared at her.

"You can come too; It's actually pretty fun," Liam invited Haley before Olivia could kick him under the table.

"What's GOT?" Haley asked.

Drake was about to answer, but Lexie beat him to it. "Are you serious? Game of Thrones. Best show ever," she replied, annoyed.

"Oh! I hate it!' Haley grimaced. "So much blood and killing. Totally a boy's show."

Lexie snapped at her, "I guess Liv and I didn't realize that we needed a penis to watch a TV show. Maybe, you can give us a list of the things girls are supposed to like." When she saw Haley blushing embarrassed, Lexie knew she had gone too far. She bit her lip, ashamed of herself.  

Drake shot her a furious look and stood up from the table. "Come on, Haley. We have Algebra in 10 minutes."

Oliva smirked. "Remind me not to piss you off."

"What? She was sexist!" Lexie defended herself.

"Right, that's why you scolded her, feminism," Maxwell laughed. “Nothing to do with Dr-” Max stopped talking when Lexie elbowed him. Liam didn’t know anything.

"Why do you dislike her so much?" Liam asked before finishing his cheeseburger.

"I don't. I have to go; I have class too." She left in a hurry. She was feeling angry and frustrated, specially with herself.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After class, she ran to the locker rooms to change for Gym when she stumbled upon Haley.

"I was looking for you," Haley said, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"I'm sorry, Haley I have Gym like in five minutes," Lexie replied, trying to be more agreeable than she was at lunch.

"It's going to be fast. I just wanted to tell you that I'd like it if we could be friends. I know you hate me, but I think you're cool, and it would be best for Drake if we all got along."

Haley was a tall, green-eyed gorgeous blond. As if that wasn't threatening enough, she was kind and friendly too.

Lexie sighed. "I don't hate you. I'm sorry about this morning, that wasn't about you." Or not entirely.

"It's fine." Haley gave her a perfect smile. "I know Drake loves Game of Thrones. Would you explain it to me? So, I can watch it with him?"

Lexie suppressed her urge to roll her eyes. "You don't have to like it only because he does, you know?" Trying to make amends for her earlier behavior, she added, "but, if you want to, yeah, I'll explain it."

Haley almost jumped. "Thank you, Lex."

"Uhm, only Drake calls me Lex," she said but added apologetically, "but you can call me Lexie if you want though, all my friends do."

"Got it, thanks, Lexie. I better run; I have class too." Haley waved her god-bye.

Lexie was about to enter the gym when she got a text message from her father. It turned out that he couldn't have dinner that night, but he asked her to go to his lawyer's office and sign some papers related to her grandfather's inheritance next week. That was the real reason he wanted to see her, not to reconnect with her. Elena was right about him.

After typing a quick text to Drake telling him that he was free for his date, Lexie decided to skip Gym, she wasn't in the mood. She walked around for a while until she reached the football field. She sat on the stands with a framed photo of her father in her hands, she had planned to give it to him that night as a gift. In the picture, she was 8 years old and was looking at her father adoringly as they decorated a Christmas tree. Lexie hated to cry but couldn't help herself. Everything in her life was upside down. A father that didn't love her and a crush that would never be anything else. Lexie was well aware that Drake only saw her as his best friend.

"Lex," Drake said, startling her.

Lexie tried to wipe the tears off her face so he wouldn't see them. "What are you doing here? I thought you had a date."

"You're worried about Haley now?" He said, handing her a Coke, her comfort drink.

"Hey! I apologized!" Lexie exclaimed after taking a sip of the drink.

Drake chuckled. "Yeah, only because she went looking for you."

"Can we count this as a win? I apologized to one of your girlfriends, that's unheard of."

"You're so damn stubborn that yes; we'll count this as a win." He couldn't explain it, but Drake sort of liked how possessive Lexie was with him.

They sat in silence for a moment. Drake had seen her crying when he sat next to her, but he knew his best friend better than anyone, she needed a little space before talking about her problems.

After a while, he finally asked, "Are you okay, Lex?"

"Uh-huh," she replied.

"Lex, look at me."

Her big brown eyes looked up to him. Drake's heart tightened with her sadness. "He's not worth it. You know it, right?" He put his arm around her shoulders. “If he doesn’t appreciate to have a daughter like you, then he’s a piece of crap.”

"He's my dad. He's supposed to love me no matter what," Lexie cried despite herself. "If he doesn't, who will?"

"I'm always going to be here, Lex. No matter what."

She looked at him. "You say that now, but you will fall in love and forget all about me."

Drake raised her chin with his fingers, she almost melted when she met his deep gaze. "Never. No matter what happens you’ll always be my best friend Lex." He placed a friendly kiss on her forehead. "I swear.”

“Me too,” she answered sadly as she placed her head on his shoulder.