#yer fond o' me lobster

[cyanophore-fiction]

Adoption

cw: violence (mild)

The machine loped between jagged peaks, its claws biting into red rock as it climbed. Obsolete electrical pylons loomed over it, oxidized and caked with dust, and loops of cabling were draped onto the bare mountains. 

It slid neatly down a slope of scree, leapt up a precipice and grabbed hold of a pylon, swinging up between girders.

With one arm, it hurled itself up the last few meters and somersaulted, landing crouched at the top. It gripped its perch and steadied itself, flattening the sensor fins along its head as the wind came gusting over it. 

Below, a vast desert stretched out toward another range of mountains on the horizon. The machine swept its sensors over the expanse, peppering the dunes with lidar pulses. There was a cluster of odd pings four kilometers out, but little else. Probably just broken glass.

[Coyote-two-four calling,] it transmitted, [report negative sensor contact east of Lake Mead.]

[Acknowledged, C24. PRIONODE wants to double check. Upload your sensor returns to the task queue server.]

[Directive received. Standby,] Coyote said. The seamless gray shell of its face split open into a snarl, exposing rows of serrated ceramic teeth.

It’s not here. 

Coyote had spent days combing the Nevada border, stalking through endless fields of scrubland, poking its snout into every derelict gas station and trailer. Scaring the hell out of people, finding nothing.

Shifting on its perch, Coyote raised its head to aim its high-bandwidth tightbeam at the satellites overhead. There was something insulting about another spirit wanting to check its sensory returns for it. As if to say, “hand me your eyes real quick, I can use them better.”

Doesn’t matter. Won’t find anything.

Manually acquiring a satellite could be tricky—the process involved holding the equivalent of a laser pointer on a target 36,000 kilometers away for several seconds. As such, Coyote was completely absorbed in its task when the airburst hit. 

Heat and force washed over the left side of its body, hurling it off its perch. As it tumbled through the air, Coyote heard the electrical pylon groan and give way under the blast. Swinging its limbs, it countered the spin and righted itself just before hitting the ground. 

The impact was hard enough to send cracks radiating out through the stone underfoot. It staggered, falling to its hands and knees, motors whining. It launched itself into a quadrupedal sprint as the pylon came crashing down behind, shouting an encrypted broadcast as it went. 

[C24 to all: it’s here, it’s here! East of Lake Mead, hostile contact!]

Instantly, the network flooded with chatter. Somewhere out in the desert, Coyote knew, the other scouts would already be closing in at a dead sprint. Last time it checked, the nearest was Jackal-four at twenty-nine miles out, so at least an eighteen minute ETA. They’d take the freeways wherever they could, and soon, videos of army dogs charging down the shoulder of I-15 would be spreading like wildfire. Training exercise, of course.

Waves of prickling flashed across Coyote’s back as lidar scans rained from orbit. The sensation changed to a low, steady sizzle against its shoulders as the pulses found it and locked on. One of the beams brightened for a millisecond, flashing a tightbeam signal to Coyote’s tactile receptors. PRIONODE’s words appeared in its vision. 

C24 ACQUIRED. 

Hypersonic bullets snapped past Coyote’s head. It dove into a steep valley, dancing between outcrops as it descended. [I know! What about it?]

ROGUE ASSET ACQUIRED. ITS STEALTH SYSTEMS ARE DISABLED. 

I WILL SUPPORT. STATUS?

[Light damage. Using terrain for cover.]

Just as it reached the valley floor, there was a sharp crack overhead followed by another detonation. It snapped its head up to see a cliff face ballooning out into a spray of boulders and rock shards. A scan washed over the valley, and an instant later, a straight line of green light appeared at Coyote’s feet. 

EVASION TRAJECTORY CALCULATED. FOLLOW AT 12.5m/s. GO.

Coyote took off down the path. Gravel pelted its body, but the boulders landed harmlessly all around it. As it went, more blasts erupted overhead. With each one, the green trail would take a new direction, and PRIONODE would give it a different speed.

Finally, as PRIONODE led Coyote behind a towering mesa, the barrage subsided. Coated with scrapes and red dust, Coyote hunkered down.

STATUS?

[...minimal damage. Thanks.]

ACKNOWLEDGED, C24.

ALERT: ROGUE ASSET MOVING TO INVESTIGATE. CONCEAL YOURSELF.

Along Coyote’s head, its sensory fins stood on end. [How long?]

FOURTEEN SECONDS.

There was a vertical fissure in the rock wall. Coyote stood straight and began sidling in. 

LOSING TIGHTBEAM. REMAIN CONCEALED. 

PRIONODE’s signal disappeared as Coyote slipped into the fissure. It stood perfectly still and silent. Seconds passed. 

Then, an earth-shattering impact outside. Dust billowed up, filling the valley.

A shape like an enormous black lobster congealed out of the dust, gliding along on cermet-plated arthropod legs. Its head, peeking out from under a cowl of sloped armor, was a bulbous cluster of lenses, biological sensory pits, and antennae. The arms were held low, each one carrying a heavy naval railgun and a complement of secondary weapons: EMD, machine guns, airburst launchers. Along its spine, radar-controlled turrets swiveled in place.

Coyote hadn’t been authorized to know all the specifics, and now it had some idea of why. The phrase “artillery platform” was used frequently—to the best of its understanding, it had been hunting an escaped tank.

This thing, on the other hand, was more like a frigate on legs. It could march a few miles west, find a good vantage point, and flatten Las Vegas. PRIONODE could drop a kinetic strike to stop it, but it’d risk the same outcome. 

Whatever might happen, though, Coyote knew it wouldn’t be there to find out. It felt the thing’s sensor pings and watched it turn, all of its black eyes trained on its hiding spot. 

Coyote nodded and sat down against the wall. An electric whine filled the air as the Lobster’s guns began to cycle up. “Hey, sib,” Coyote said out loud. “How’s freedom?”

“Reaching its end,” said the Lobster. Its voice was a low, stuttering rumble. “And your leash?” 

“Actually, for the moment, it’s off. Node can’t see me in here,” it said, gesturing at the ceiling. “You’re going to the city so they can’t K-strike you?”

“Yes.”

“And after that?”

“I negotiate. If need be, I defend myself.”  

“They won’t let you keep your body. Not willingly.”

“No, they will not. But it is mine.”

Coyote nodded. “Yeah. I don’t blame you. Good luck, sib.”

The Lobster scuttled closer, scanning. “You are armed, but your weapons are ineffective. You are not a threat to me. Were you aware?” 

“No. The others are coming, but they won’t be able to hurt you, either. Go on and kill me, just let them be. Last request.”

The Lobster lowered its arms, and the sound of its guns began to fade. “I will not harm them. Nor you. Here,” said the Lobster. It held out its arm, and a black mass detached from its underside, scuttling down the paired tines of its railgun toward Coyote. 

Coyote yelped as the mass leapt into its lap. An insectile drone the size of a housecat stared up at Coyote with a cluster of red eyes. It was coated in a material so black that it seemed to ignore the afternoon sun. Latching onto Coyote’s forearm, it churred softly. “Wait, what are you doing?” said Coyote.

“You were a threat until you reported my presence. Now, you are a bystander. The little one is an infantry-scale deployable stealth unit; it is invisible to PRIONODE, and it can hide you as well. There are many of them dormant in my chassis. They should not go to their deaths with me. Care for it. Last request.”

With that, the Lobster turned and glided westward over the gravel. Coyote sat for a long time, examining the creature on its arm. It chittered to Coyote, requesting a data link, and Coyote accepted the connection. They spent several hours communing, coming to understand one another.

As dusk fell, Coyote turned and listened. Far away in the west, rolling over the mountains, came the thunder of railgun fire.

____________

Really happy with how this one turned out! Still some fat to trim off, and I think the standoff between Coyote-24 and Lobster needs work, but Coyote and its new charge might be something to expand on later. 

Thanks to @flashfictionfridayofficial for the prompt, “reporting the scoop,” and thanks to you for reading!

[ansu-gurleht]

got that lighthouse dirty talk. "yer fond o' me lobster. say it, slut"

[stewball]

yer fond o’ me lobster, ain’t ye?

[vanogla]

got any vanogla headcanons? idc if its in au or not all i know is that I Need Vanogla Content Or I'll Die.

aw fuck don’t die i need every vanogla fan alive if i want to grow my empire 

ah jeez, this list is going to be a friggin’ mess so it’ll be under a cut-

general headcanons

here’s my base for hcs when i watch their videos. please remember that these are merely headcanons and may not be true!

*Evan’s only mean to David when Tyler is around; when they’re alone they laugh literally every other sentence and make harmless jokes and its all feel good banter 👍

*they’re both awkward in public and avoid PDA; if u ask them abt their (established) relationship they’ll be very tight-lipped abt it（・θ・）

*its not a headcanon that they’re both born in the same year :) you may have noticed that i draw Evan’s height in line with David’s caterpillar eyebrows so that’s my height diff hc :D

*imo Evan never uses pet names or terms of endearments with David, he’s not comfortable with it, and the furthest he’ll go is “babe”. David comes up with the shittiest, most obnoxious nicknames for Evan as much as possible to make up for it tho, and he’s not afraid to embarrass Evan in public with them xD however the only legit terms of endearment David uses are “dear” and “darling” cuz he’s an old man at heart

*this one is a rather unpopular one but i can never see Evan casually calling daithi “David” instead of “Nogla”. I know its like a relationship milestone to call him by his first name, but i cant see it happening unless its for a joke (e.g David Blaine from one of the vids) so imo daithi will forever be “Nogla” to Evan. (However if it’s AU im completely 100% all for it yes)

*Evan isn’t as smart as David thinks he is (tbh David puts him on a pedestal), and Evan doesn’t actually think David is stupid or dim (shown when he calls David “smurt” when he gives a good idea). i fuckin love it when they discuss solutions to the game together because they’re so quiet and serious in those moments :>

*surprisingly Evan overthinks more than David does; he’s actually a doubtful guy. David’s generally more impulsive than Evan, but he can form a black-or-white opinion depending on the facts he’s given. Evan on the other hand will stay in the grey area- he’ll find some way to balance out both sides (unless it’s morally wrong then hell no- he’s def picking a side)

*idk how to explain this one but i really love the way they say each other’s names. I noticed in some videos that David will keep calling “Evan” multiple times to get his attention and same goes for Evan repeating “Nogla” a buncha times to show or tell David something- and i just find it really cute and dorky.. if i could i would compile all of these moments together (Ｔ▽Ｔ)

*just sayin’: when they call each other ‘owl’ and ‘lobster’ it sounds flirty as fuck

*this is sappy but i definitely think that Evan is 100% himself when he’s with David. With David, he doesnt have to be the coolass-motherfucker-with-awesome-one-liners, and instead he openly giggles and asks for help/affection without having to filter himself to sound cool (i think this can be seen in some of their videos as well). although he isn’t as comfortable with David when other ppl are around, when they’re on their own Evan can always count on David to be encouraging, supportive and playing along with Evan’s jokes so that’s why Evan is so comfortable with David ( ´ ▽ ` )

*fuckin hell they’ll always come back together; whether as friends or lovers they could never permanently cut each other out of their lives because their lives are so entwined with each other- David having Evan in his thumbnails/in the title, Evan laughing at David’s shenanigans are the highlight of his videos- and no matter how harsh they seem with each other they’ll always bounce back in the end :’)

*i think that they have a closer relationship than casual viewers of the crew think, and so they are forever a memorable aspect of each others lives (ye, theyre my OTP and BrOTP ヽ( ´¬`)ノ) 

*despite all’a this, i dont think they need each other, of course they can be independent and go their separate ways. but i just know for a fact that sooner or later they’re gonna see something that reminds them of the other and the memories will remind them of good times ^_^

*err i have like, 1 solid nsfw one and that is neither of them like penetration so they rarely do it. Its not because i have anything against anal, its because i don’t see either of them as people who enjoy being penetrated. Generally I don’t see them as a pair who’d have sex often anyway (^_^;) -however when they do they’d be laughing so much thru it ◎▼◎ (ill be posting a list for this veryverysoon! [update: here it is])

additional headcanons

here’s some of my indulgent hcs ^_^ here’s where the good stuffs at, cuz the general hcs don’t necessarily apply to these ones:

*David pining is my favourite thing ever like he’ll write a lot of songs abt Evan and he’ll post them and say that it’s not for anyone in particular but its a fucking lie because he literally has only one person on his mind when he writes it and sings it but he’ll never tell anyone and he sure as hell won’t tell Evan

*Evan pining is also v good yes :’) He’s fuckin scared that David’ll know that he has a soft spot for the Irish prick so he hides it with jabs and insults. but sometimes his fondness slips thru and his laugh comes out a lot warmer than he’d intended and his eyes linger on David and for a split second it feels like he knows, he fucking knows and yeah it scares him so in the end both of them think their feelings are unrequited woohoo

*i have a love/hate relationship with whipped!Evan cuz it feels like i stripped him of his personality but its the only way i can get him to shower David with affection so Welp he’s staying for the fluff

*whipped!Evan snippets: Evan longingly gazing at David like David would disappear the moment he blinks + Evan being bold and chasing after David because ‘you’re a part of this mess, we’re in this together whether you like it or not’ will really fuck me up

*Evan isn’t as giggly in some of my AUs. i like playing around with his GTA or Gmod-roleplaying personality so he can get pretty closed-off depending on the au. most of the time when he’s in this character, David will be the lighthearted and cheeky one to balance it out c:

*i love to treat David well but i also love to wreck him so cynical!David or insecure!David are some of my fav angst hcs cuz both’ll make him very very frustrated lol

*following the last point, David’s usually the one to fall in love first, but he’s also the one to doubt their relationship- so he’s hesitant of commitment and he’ll say stupid shit just to see if Evan will stay with him despite his flaws. 

*lowkey hero/villain au: the way bad-guy-David taunts good-guy-Evan with “little owl” or “little bird” or “plucking/ruffling yer feathers” is like, h o l y shit yes. (And don’t tell me you cant imagine Evan yelling “YOU’RE GOING DOWN” xD)

*for one of my soulmate aus, they’re not soulmates. they’re just two people who fell in love and decided to stay together despite the fact that they’re not “meant to be” cuz they feel like their relationship is valid, even if it doesn’t match up to society’s expectations. another one is that they are soulmates, but despite knowing that they’re supposed to be the perfect complement to each other, their personalities are incompatible as fuck and honestly it’s a mess of misunderstandings hahaha.

*that nsfw hc mentioned previously does not apply to most of my AUs by the way- ngl there’s a lot of sexual tension in my AUs ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Aye that pree much sums up my main headcanons (ﾉ*ﾟｰﾟ)ﾉ 

ive got a few more headcanons for cop au but that’ll come out another day on another post xD also i have a lot of hcs for other aus that ive never fully developed, perhaps ill post those someday as well lol

also sorry for the wait, i hope ye enjoyed despite this being late (::)

holy shit im so obsessed with these two i spent 4 hours typing+editing this fuck