#yes my notifications are appalling yes they give my anxiety

[specialtrampdanascully]

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Tagging: @testosteronetwunk @vanity-complex @moosomo @smilingnihilism @homoluigi @heshefey @downtown-jazz

[sastiel-is-my-serotonin]

This is a part two to my Ace Cas and Bi Sam story I posted on Bisexual day. I took @paramourner 's advice and did a bit of a prequel to Cas coming out. Hope you guys enjoy it!

I've been getting used to mine and Sam's arrangement and was enjoying it quite a bit. That was until Dean brought up sex, well when he alluded to it.

When I first met the Winchesters, and Dean would try to get me laid after finding out I was a virgin, he thought it was an angel thing. He didn't understand why I was resisting all the women he would set me up with, I didn't understand it myself, but over the years, I've come to realize that I don't like sex.

I don't have a sex drive like the Winchesters, or anyone around us. I've learned I'm not absolutely appalled by it, I just would rather not participate in any sort of sexual activities if possible.

While I know this and have had time to accept this, I have yet had the opportunity to tell Sam. When Dean teased us about making it "official" I panicked.

I researched this topic plenty of times, and have been disappointed several times. In order to try and encourage myself to tell Sam, I read different stories of people coming out. It didn't encourage me, and it saddened me by the end of it. Several people had partners leave them, called them liars, etc. It left me feeling even more hopeless.

While I know Sam, and I know how kind he is, it didn't soothe me. We have a pretty strong foundation, but what if he ends up wanting more? What will he do if I can't provide it? Would I just go with it to please Sam? I wouldn't be the first asexual to do that for a partner, but it doesn't leave me with a good feeling. I doubt Sam would, a rational part of me knows that but do I know Sam as well as I think I do?

Regardless of what I know about Sam, my anxiety to tell him just worsened over the next few weeks. He never made any advances, but my mind was on high alert with every kiss or touch that I didn't initiate. Sam seemed to notice and he hesitated to do anything, looking upset not at me, but at himself. No doubt thinking he had somehow messed up.

I pushed away my negative thoughts and decided I had to tell him. If Sam didn't accept this part of me, he wasn't who I thought he was. I settled into the bedroom first and waited for him to come in.

I was thinking of the best way to tell him, but it was difficult, should I be blunt? What if he takes it the wrong way? What if our relationship isn't ever official because of this?

During this time, I got so lost in my thoughts I didn't hear Sam enter the room. His hair was still wet from his shower, and he threw his dirty clothes in the hamper. I was pulled out of my thoughts when he cleared his throat, I noticed he wasn't getting in bed.

"Cas, we need to talk." He pulled out one of our research chairs before sitting down, spacing himself away from the bed.

"Now before you say anything, I just want to say I'm sorry. After everything with Lucifer, I should've been more careful and clear with consent. Out of all people, I should know that. Even with you setting the pace, I can tell you're uncomfortable. I'll understand if you want to break things off." Sam finished staring at the ground now. I didn't mean to, but I started to laugh. All the stress just flowed out into my laughs, and my breathless "sorry's".

It was a moment before I calmed down, and Sam looked confused, a bit hurt, but overall confused.

"Sam, I assure you, I am not laughing at you. I've been really stressed for weeks because, well because I have something really important to tell you." I started, and moved closer to Sam, nerves now gone.

"Do you remember a few weeks back when Dean joked about us needing to make our relationship" official" by via sex?" I asked Sam, who nodded slightly, obviously trying to remember the exact conversation and the correlation.

"Well, I panicked, a lot. And I was worried that you were going to break up with me after I told you, I don't want to have sex. Not just with you, I don't want to have sex with anyone, I'm asexual. I didn't know how to tell you, I was nervous, not because I think lowly of you or anything, I just know our relationship won't ever be " official". It'll always be missing the part of the puzzle, and I can't give you that piece because I don't have it." I confessed, and he looked relieved oddly enough.

"Cas, I think I love you even more. I've never really brought up sex because I've never had the big of a sex drive myself, not only that but Lucifer messed with my head pretty badly. Sometimes I am completely disgusted by the idea of it, not all the time, just on certain days. So this actually kind of takes a lot of pressure off of me." Sam admitted, grinning at me. I smiled back and found myself getting wrapped into my favorite pair of arms.

I pulled back after a minute, and there was still a thought plaguing the rest of them.

"Sam, you still have a sex drive right?" Sam slowly nodded, and I continued on with my thought, "I mean, I could get you off if-" Sam stopped me before I could say anything else.

"No. We just talked about how you don't feel comfortable doing that." Sam said bewildered at the thought.

"It's just, I can't go the full mile, it's the closest our relationship will get to being official. I could help you out to a degree." I said using his time of shock to my advantage.

"Cas, that's just so wrong in so many ways. You wouldn't be getting anything out of it, and I can't say I would be either. I'd be too in my head worried about you. It's not happening. Even if I really needed sex, I have a hand. So no. That's not ever happening. And what do you mean by our relationship not being "official?" I feel like our relationship has been official for quite some time. We don't need to have sex to make it "official." A relationship is a puzzle, I'll agree with that, but we're not missing a piece. I don't know what the puzzle looks like complete just yet, but I am certain sex isn't a part of it." Sam explained and I didn't know what to say. Sam read me well enough to get off his chair and held me as I cried into his chest.

A huge weight was lifted off, and I felt so grateful to have Sam. He was able to shut up every negative thought I've been having, and replaced them with positive ones.

Sam likes to sleep with one arm draped around my torso, sometimes his head will rest on my chest, or he'll just cuddle into my side. That night I was the one who cuddled into his side, and I stayed there with my eyes closed. I can't go into a dream state, but I can rest my eyes and listen to Sam's breathing as a nice, soothing background noise.

I felt happy for a while until Sam started to distance himself. He kept saying he was researching, and he didn't need help, he would be in bed shortly. I at first assumed he was taking care of certain needs, but it didn't make sense to do so in the library.

He was also on his phone quite a bit and was talking to Dean a lot more. I didn't mind it at first, but I felt like I was being distanced slowly out of the family.

It didn't help that he would get jumpy when I was near and he got a notification. It was draining me more than I thought it would. The only time I felt like I had his attention was at night. He still watched me as I watched my shows, and I appreciated every second of it, knowing that once he got up, he would be distant again.

When Jack asked to go shopping for new clothes I jumped at the opportunity. At least I still had Jack, he was still my silver lining.

Yet, I noticed he was antsy while we shopped. It reminded me of Sam's behavior, which was souring my mood.

I did my best to ignore my thoughts and focus on our task, shopping. It took us a while to figure out his sizes, and what he needed. It didn't help that he would stop to check his phone every five minutes.

By the time we finally finished shopping, I felt just as drained as I would have at home. I was close to letting Jack drive. I decided against it when I saw how "well" he pushed our shopping cart.

I noticed on our way to the register Jack picked up salad ingredients, they were all of Sam's favorite ingredients. Odd. Perhaps Sam's lectures are working, or he wants to bribe Sam. Either one.

When we got home Jack ran ahead of me, leaving everything except the salad. I rolled my eyes as I collected the new wardrobe. I started my way to Jack's room, he came out of his room looking panicked and took his clothes away from me. Letting out a quick "Thanks, Dad!" before slamming his door behind him.

I was about to head to the library when I saw Sam's door, it had writing on it, was Sam aware of that?

I opened the door, already knowing Sam was in there since the library was empty, so was the kitchen.

"Sam, someone wrote on our door-" I felt very confused walking in. Sam had obviously been pacing, and our room was different.

From paintings, to polaroid photos, and things in between, it was amazing. I was admiring the handiwork when Sam brought me back to the present.

"Do you like it?" I knew I didn't have the right words to express my gratitude for everything, actions would have to do. I pulled him down for a kiss by his shirt, happy to have him melt into it.

"I'll take that as a yes." Sam had panted, I couldn't help but smile and pull him into a hug.

"Who helped?" I knew the difference between Sam's and Dean's handiwork, and I am 99% sure the handwriting on the door belonged to Claire.

I had a dumb smile on my face, similar to Sam, as he explained everything in our room.

Dean had painted "You'll bee what you'll bee." and Sam had painted two bees next to it. They were quite adorable, painted in a more cartoon style than a realistic one.

I loved all the new additions, the flags, the pictures, but what caught my attention was the bee and moose plushies. They were in our closest last time I checked, I picked up the bee and smiled fondly at it. Sam was a nervous wreck trying to hand it to me, I had a similar experience when handing him the moose plushy.

I noticed the footsteps near the door, it wasn't surprising to me that a flash went off, it was more shocking to Sam. Dean walked in, the rest of our family took it as an invitation to walk in as well.

I wondered over to the photos, curious what moments they've captured. I heard all their comments about Sam and me being "adorable." I brushed them off as I discussed with Sam how strange it was seeing this many photos of us when we thought no one else was around.

As much as I loved everyone in the room, I was happy to see them leave, I wanted to spend time with Sam without a crowd.

Before they went out to eat, Jack handed us a salad before he had made his way back out of the room.

Sam and I settled into our bed and I decided to try the salad. Sam put on F.R.I.E.N.D.S for me, before turning his attention to me. I enjoyed everything; however, I felt stupid for not trusting Sam. For thinking, he was trying to get rid of me.

I had ended up relaxing into his shoulder and lacing his free hand with mine at some point during the episode.

After finishing our salad, I paused the show, I wasn't paying much attention to the episode anyways.

I locked my eyes with him, searching for a way to start my gratitude and apologize for my misjudgment. Sam seemed to pick up on it after a moment of silence.

"What's the matter?" He asked I sighed and rubbed my thumb against his own.

"I was worried for a while after I came out to you, that you were becoming distant. I should've known better." I voiced, Sam set aside the food and snuggled closer to me.

"Cas, I didn't mean to make you worry. I love you, and every small thing that makes you, you." Sam clarified, I felt myself getting overwhelmed with appreciation for him once again.

"Thank you for not seeing me as broken," I whispered honestly. I can't imagine seeing myself as anything but broken.

"If you're broken, then I'm broken too. Am I broken?" I knew damn well what Sam was doing, and was glad he was. If there's something that we both struggle with, it's self-worth. I shook my head at his question and received a kiss on my head.

"It's settled, you're perfect the way you are," Sam whispered softly as I closed the little distance we had between us before unpausing the tv. I smiled as I heard his breathing even out, I gave him a few more minutes before turning off the night with my grace. I also shut off the tv and watched over Sam, hoping for no nightmares tonight, I was blessed with lazy smiles and mumbled: "love you more's." Which I would whisper back, I don't know the exact moment I fell for him, perhaps our first meeting, or soon after it, all I know is I'm glad I did.

[titsoutforkapanen]

Giving In. Ch 2

I am so so so excited for this story!! I hope you are too!!

__________________________________________

I was laying in my room when I was getting a facetime call from Tyler.

“Aren’t you on the plane?” I asked rolling onto my stomach.

“Yeah, but don’t worry. I’m sitting alone” he said panning over so I could see the empty seat beside him.

“Okay, well anyways, how many more games till you’re back?”

“Three, we’ll be home Friday night” he said looking over at someone who had yelled his name.

“I wanna come over, but what should I tell Jamie?” I mumbled laying my head on my arm.

“Well I have something you could use as an excuse” He said leaning back against the chair. I couldn’t take my eyes off of the small part of his chest that peeking out from the few opened buttoned. “So the ice girls are hiring a few new girls and I told them you skated so they said they would open up a spot for you. So, just tell him that you’re having a bonding night with the girls before your final try out” he smiled at the camera sending one of his famous smirks.

“Wait? They opened a spot for me to try out?” I questioned, not believing what he was telling me.

“Yes they did, and your first day of tryouts are tomorrow.”

“Oh my god. Ty, are you serious?”

“Dead” he smiled at me before he set his phone in his lap and I heard him talking to Jamie. “Yeah, dude I’m sure she’s fine maybe she went to bed early or something” Tyler said to Jamie. I looked at my notifications and saw that I had a few missed texts from Jamie. “We’re in the clear” Tyler muttered as he lifted his phone back up to show me his face.

“It’s late here, ty I’m going to go to bed so I can get enough sleep for tomorrow” I said walking into my bathroom to start my nighttime routine.

“Okay, goodnight, Hazy.”

“Goodnight Ty, enjoy the rest of your flight” I smiled as I clicked the end button. I sat my phone down and brushed my teeth and washed my face and got into bed. I answered Jamie’s texts telling him about my plans for tomorrow and how I was trying out for the ice girls. I plugged my phone in and turned on my lights and fell asleep.

INSTAGRAM

Hazy_Bennn: Bed time 😴😴

TIME SKIP!!

FRIDAY

I was sitting in the waiting room for them to call us all back and tell us if we made the team or not. I was called into the back by one of the girls and I sat in front of the two head dancers.

“Hi Hazy” Tessa said sending me a smile.

“Hi guys” I smiled.

“So I want to tell you up front you were one of the best girls to try out. But we can’t offer you a job.” Tessa said sadly looking between me and the other girls.

“What do you mean?” I was appalled that they said that I was one of the best but they couldn’t hire me. It didn’t make any sense.

“Our boss told us that we couldn’t hire you but he didn’t give us a reason.” I felt my chest tighten but I took a deep breath to try and keep the tears at bay.

“We’re sorry Hazy” Britney said with a frown. I got up to walk out when I heard one of the girls speak up.

“I think it was your brother” Lilly said as I grabbed the door knob.

“Thank you girls” I sadly smiled walking out.

I walked into the house livid. “Jamie?” I shouted listening for an answer.

“In the kitchen!” he yelled back. I stomped into the kitchen and leaned against the wall waiting for him to notice my attitude.

“Are you fucking kidding me Jamie?” I asked as he closed the pantry door. “You told them not to hire me! Why would you do that?! You know how important this was to me!”

“I don’t want you walking around in the outfits they wear”

“That isn’t up to you Jamie! I am almost 20 years old!”

“I don’t know what to tell you Hazy” he said grabbing his coffee.

“Fuck you Jamie” I growled walking back towards my room. I grabbed my bag that had my clothes and stuff in it and walked back downstairs.

“Where are you going?” He yelled at me as I opened the door.

“Anywhere but here. Leave me alone” I said slamming the door shut behind me and walking towards my jeep. I threw my bag in the back and headed towards Tyler’s house.

I knocked on the door and heard barks from the other side. “Hey, babe…” Tyler cut himself off when he saw my face. “What happened?” He asked pulling me inside the house.

“I didn’t get the job… and it’s because Jamie told them not to hire me” I cried as Tyler pulled me into his chest.  

“I’m sorry Hazy, I didn’t know he would do that” he mumbled into my hair carrying me over to the couch. We sat down and he turned on the tv letting it fill the silence.

“I’m sorry, I’m not being very sexy am I?” I laughed sniffling a little.

“It’s perfectly fine don’t worry about it” he said pulling me closer to him. “Let’s just watch a movie” he turned on netflix and we fell asleep watching the movie.

I woke up the next morning on the couch with Tyler beside me. I smiled to myself getting up to go to the bathroom. When I walked back into the living room he was awake. “Good morning” He said walking up to me pulling me in for a kiss.

“You have morning breath” I giggled against his lips.

“So do you” he joked back. “Let’s go swimming” he said pulling me towards the patio.

“I don’t have a swimsuit with me you dummy” I laughed.

“Well let’s go get one” he said grabbing his keys off the counter. I rolled my eyes and grabbed my purse.

“Jamie will see us”

“No he won’t. He’s at the optional skate we had this morning.” I muttered an okay following him to his car.

When we got to the house we walked in and up to my room. He was sitting on my bed as I looked for the swimsuit I wanted. I was going through the basket I had my swimsuits in when I felt a pair of hands on my hips. I stood up and turned around to be pulled into Tyler’s chest.

“Those shorts make your ass look fantastic” he muttered before kissing me. His hands roamed my body landing on my ass. He signaled for me to jump. I wrapped my legs around his waist and he walked us to my bed.

When we had finished I told him I wanted to shower so he went down stairs and was going to watch something on tv.

I grabbed a red and black bikini and sat it on my bed as I got in the shower.

I stepped out and grabbed my towel but before I could wrap up in it I saw the light bruising in the shape of hands on my hips and a hickey on my collar bone. I rolled my eyes and let out a small laugh. I wrapped up in my towel and walked into my room. I brushed out my hair and put my bikini on and grabbed the stuff I was going to need. I started to walk downstairs and was about halfway “Ty I’m ready to go” I said but when I didn’t hear anything in return I looked up from my phone. I felt my heart drop. Jamie was standing in the walkway with the door open and Jordie was on facetime. I could tell Jamie was livid by his facial expression. I felt like I was going to cry and have an anxiety attack all at once. But before I could step in and say something Tyler did.

“We can explain”

[leta-the-strange]

My troubled relationship with the FB community.

Okay, here goes. As ridiculous as it sounds (because in reality, it is ridiculous) I have taken a rather lengthy break from my writing – both here, on A03 and Fanfiction.net for my health. I have a few significant health problems and for as long as I can remember, writing is one of the few escapes I have – one of my true joys. Now, I’m by no means one of the ‘greats’ in any of the fandoms I’ve written in. I’m always in awe of the talent of some of the writers that I have been lucky enough to read and although I’m not at their level, I’ve been so excited to have the opportunity to have these platforms to share the stories I’ve poured my heart into and so mindblown and grateful to have people not only read them but take the time to leave feedback or thanks.

My love for Leta Lestrange began way back in the very first film when we knew very little about her. But I was starry-eyed from the get-go. A woman of colour main character? She quickly turned into my new inspiration and I was lucky enough to be one of the first Leta Lestrange-centred writers and blogs and meet some other great creatives and like-minded fans in the then tiny Leta loving community. I started developing my first multi-chapter story and (as daunting as it was considering the incredible talent in the stories I had read) started uploading the first chapters to share. A few people started reading my stories and left encouragement, advice and comments that absolutely made my day and I would feel so driven and inspired to keeping going and looked forward to spending my evenings putting together new chapters. My heart would skip each time I got an email saying that someone had left a comment, a review, kudos or notes.  

I was quite naïve in not knowing much about ‘ship’ and ‘fandom wars’ and when I found out that was a…thing, I did my best to stick to safe, neutral content, staying out of the confrontational tags, not engaging in the fandom too much – only to share things I created or liked (what all this is supposed to be about). Unfortunately, no matter how well I did that foreign, poisonous part of the fandom I was naïve enough to believe I could easily avoid by minding my business found its way into my life and quickly consumed something I loved.

PLEASE understand that this post isn’t about the characters. This is about real people. As a young girl of colour, yes there have absolutely been moments where I feel sick at some of the racist undertones in a large majority of the fandom’s depiction of Leta – I am happy to put my feelings on this in a more eloquent fashion in a separate post but again, the purpose of my first post back is about real people.

There are people in this fandom, quite a lot of people actually who all belong to one particular community, who not only are lucky enough to have the free time to create and share the things they love on the internet but also apparently have enough spare time to actively go seeking out posts, stories, works, etc that are centred on fictional characters and relationships that they don’t like (to put it lightly) for the sole purpose of abusing, bullying and degrading the creators to the delight of their followers that have little more than mic-drop gifs, ‘oh snap’s, and ‘#preach’ to contribute. 

This behaviour is disgusting, appalling, unacceptable and harmful.

And of course, not ALL people from this particular, I don’t know the word…’shipping group’ do this (so many are kind, talented and supportive) but enough have that I feel like even if I eventually came to like this pairing, I would never, ever feel safe engaging in that community myself.

I have characters I like, characters I love, ones that I am impartial to and ones I don’t like much. That’s the great thing about fictional characters. However, I have never felt the urge (or had the time or energy) to obsessively track the tags of ships and characters that I don’t like to leave hateful comments designed to make the creators feel unsafe and unwanted in a community in which they are just as entitled to be involved in than anyone else.

This obsessive, abusive behaviour destroyed my love for writing. One of the few things that drew me out of depression when I was unable to physically do much else activity-wise gave me intense anxiety and as much as I still received beautiful comments, I panicked when I received notification that someone had messaged me. 

My story has been called disgusting, dumb, awful, gross etc. I have been called deluded (apparently for not following a canon ship), a crazy dumb bitch, illiterate – just off the top of my head. I found a thread last year that encouraged people to upload new Fantastic Beasts content to A03 asap to get my story off the first page when I would upload a new chapter.  I was torn to shreds on both fanfiction websites after the second film came out and told that I hadn’t seen the movies (I had started my story well before the second film so I had to fill in the gaps which were quite a few). It seemed so pathetic and laughable at the start, I would just make sure I could monitor my reviews and would delete or not answer the abuse I received. 

Eventually though, it become too overwhelming and I found it too difficult to continue – my inspiration was gone and I was emotionally drained. A few times I actually became pale, shaky and vomited from the relentlessness of it. I tried to claw back the thrill and love writing gave me by practicing getting back on the saddle by doing prompts on Tumblr while I was in hospital battling one of my illnesses. I thought it might be nice to take requests from people – a gentle re-entry into my beloved hobby and reconnecting with other fans. I did a piece on Theseus and Leta that I had overwhelming support for. I actually cried when more than a couple people left beautiful messages in regard to my Theseus dying/Leta surviving prompt. A few people left me Newt/Leta related prompts. I got around to completing a first kiss request that earned me an anon informing me that my writing was trash, made them gag in their mouth and I should seriously reconsider inflicting my unwanted pieces on a fandom that doesn’t want them and to keep my shit out of the tag. 

I have seen blogs disappear from it and stories, posts and artwork removed. I was scrolling through Instagram and someone (quite notorious for this behaviour across all platforms) simply comment ‘ew #newtinaforever’ on a beautiful Leta fanvid that would have taken such a long time to put together. Surprisingly, the comments I got that were simply ‘ew’, ‘gross’, etc were more hurtful than the torrents of abuse sometimes. 

Just a few days ago, someone posted something absolutely non-confrontational and innocent about them personally liking Newt/Leta because they found it cute which of course opened the floodgates for abuse and I read a comment relating to people who don’t personally ship the ‘canon’ ship (this sounds so ridiculous now that I’m typing it) as deluded and needed to check into a mental ward. This is quite personal but I am someone who has an illness that is accompanied by psychotic symptoms and I have spent periods of time in a psychiatric hospital (and will likely need to during my lifetime) for my own wellbeing. I felt physically nauseous by this. I feel anxious now disclosing this as I know this will give more ammunition to the people who have not yet been blocked by me and enjoy taunting me but I want people to understand the weight of their childish, uneducated, ignorant outbursts.  

Because of my experience, PLEASE understand that when I say ‘unhinged’ I am not meaning it as a slur, it is coming from a place of serious concern. I think there are people in this fandom that are becoming quite dangerously confused between reality and fantasy. These characters ARE NOT REAL. If I can get through years of one my favourite characters being constantly hated on, written by fans as an abuser, rapist, you name it while far more ‘bad/problematic’ (white) females are adored and shipped with various characters quite harmoniously, and not resort to commenting, abusing or harassing people than you can get through your fave not being someone else’s fave. If your favourite pairing is canon, why are you so insecure about people liking other pairings? In Harry Potter, the most popular fan-favourite ships are non-canon and don’t cause any harm.

If someone writes on THEIR OWN BLOG that they personally don’t follow a certain ship, or they find a character bland or boring, or don’t agree with a casting, or don’t see chemistry between certain actors or like a pairing that differs from your own, JUST KEEP SCROLLING (and certainly don’t go on a witch-hunt by tracking down posts, blogs and stories you know you won’t like).

These are not real people. There is absolutely 0 reasons to be offended by someone saying that they find a certain character or pairing bland (which I haven’t done before). Of course you can disagree but if you are enraged, or offended, or feel inclined to personally attack or threaten A REAL PERSON over their preferences in something make-believe, than please, I implore you for your own mental wellbeing, to seriously assess if this level of emotional attachment to made-up characters is healthy.

I am planning on getting back into my story in time. I would love to get through the prompts and (nice) messages in my inbox now that I’m feeling a little more secure mentally and physically. I do thank all the beautiful people who have taken the time to request things, leave notes and such – I’m only back for them and feel confident that I can work through the toxicity and superiority complexes in this fandom with their support. I will do my best from now on to call out and check people when I see them mistreating others and to have more respect for myself and my work and not tolerate this any longer. I may respond and share some of the less pleasant messages I’ve received if I believe my responses can be helpful to others but there are some that require no response or audience.

I feel very content in the knowledge that I can see a story, visual, video, etc, involving a fandom, character or pairing that I don’t necessarily like and still appreciate the time and effort the person put in and find enjoyment in it too. If you still feel incapable of controlling yourself around people who are not a carbon copy of yourself, please just save yourself the distress by just blocking me instead of wasting valuable time and energy finding new ways to abuse me. I am not a harmful person, I am not an abusive person. I encourage you in your journey to hopefully become the same and if you need to remove yourself from temptation than I applaud that decision no matter how much I cannot personally relate. 

To anyone who has read my stories or sent me prompts, thank your for your patience and encouragement. I look forward to being able to get back into a community I have found such joy in.