#ynrecipes

[youthofnausea7]

Chickpeas of the High Seas, a Tuna Salad Recipe for Plant Based Pirates

So tuna salad might not be everyone's favorite sandwich topping, as a matter of fact it might even be no one's favorite sandwich topping, but if there's one thing that's for damn sure, a tuna salad craving can be fucking hard to ignore. However, if there's one thing I've learned in my years as a broke vegan, it's that chickpeas make a damn good first mate for many of your swashbuckling kitchen adventures. Hoist the Jolly Roger fuckers, we're sinking that smelly tuna boat for good!

What you need:

Prepared Chickpeas (I was extra this time and cooked them myself, but canned works every bit as well)

Diced Red Onion, because why not make it pretty

Diced Celery because crumch

Pickle Relish

Vegenaise or whatever other mayo substitute you have handy, you could probably also use avocado, but only if you're a millenial

A sheet or two of Nori Seaweed

Salt and Black Pepper

Dill Weed (optional, just like most of these ingredients)

I didn't list the exact amounts of the ingredients because it's the kind of thing that tends to turn out better if you just eyeball (or eyepatch) it and sample it along the way, and doing so would just be doing a lousy disservice to the simplicity of this recipe. Also you can sub almost any of the ingredients for whatever it is you like in your tuna salad. Are you fucking weird and like apples in it? Fine then put your gross apples in it, just stay the fuck away from me.

How to make it:

So start off with your prepared chickpeas, put them in a large sealable container. That's right, you're going to make this AND store it in the same container. This is the pinnacle of vegan convenience.

Alternatively you can put it in a blender, I guesss. It'd save you from having to do a lot of chopping which is cool, but I don't let anything go to waste and there's so many things I'd rather do with my day that don't include scraping tuna salad off of blender blades.

Also, using a blender undercuts the best part: Smashing!!!

Okay so I lied, smashing can actually be cruelly tedious. Just be smarter than me and use something better than a fork. You wanna try your best to mash it to the point that there's no more full beans, some halfies might escape your clutches, but who are you trying to fool anyways? Keep it up until the consistency is like that of, well, tuna salad.

Next thing to do is dice up some red onion into little pieces

Cool put them babies in the mashed chickpeas, and do the same with some celery

Since we're mixing this all up into a tasty vomit-like substance (do I talk about vomit too much in my recipes?), I usually just don't fucking care what it looks like; so what I like to do is chop chop cop widthwise and then just go fuckin ham on the pile until it's mostly little pieces.

Fold them in and realize you added way too much fucking veggies

Toss some relish on there, it'll make yer paw proud

Resist the urge to transfer it to another container.

When you've got all that mixed together, get out your mayo substitute and put a couple of big ol' globs on there, as many as you need to coat all the stuff

Mix it all up and continue resisting the U R G E

When it's all mixed up get out one of these. It's called seaweed, and it makes stuff taste like it came from the sea.

Get out two sheets and toast em over the stovetop. CAREFULLY. On LOW heat. These may be the tortillas of the sea, but if you try to toast them like a tortilla you're going to have a bad time.

When you got em all roasty toasty, crunch them up into as little pieces as possible and put em in the salad. The best way to do this is to put them in a ziploc bag, tie the bag to a skateboard, and do a whole bunch of mega rad skate tricks until there's nothing in the bag but ocean dust.

When it's all mixed together it'll look something like this, I guess

Add the salt and spices to taste, and when it's how you like it put it in a sandwich

Bang Bang

There's a lot of ways you can fuck around with this recipe; if you're more of an egg salad kinda person, use Indian black salt instead of seaweed. If you're incredibly boring you probably prefer chicken salad, just don't add either. Just a reminder, this recipe is mostly just a very loose guideline and mainly just serves as an example. Put whatever the fuck you want in it, and do whatever the fuck you want with it.

Aside from the classic tuna salad approach, my favorite thing to do with this technique is to make spicy tuna for sushi. Just lose the veggies and add sriracha, toasted sesame oil, and rice vinegar when you're adding the mayo. I'll provide the photographic evidence when I get better at rolling sushi, because as of current my sushi rolling skills are dogshit.

Picnic time, fuckers!

[youthofnausea7]

Slutty Spaghetti, Part 2

So, we left off with cherry tomatoes. You should have 'em out and rinsed. Next thing is to slice these babies in half, because the only bomb you want in your kitchen is your pals telling you what a bomb cook you are

Alright, put them big boys on the pasta

Fuck yeah.

So Puttanesca is known not just for being salty, but also for having an umami flavor. You know, the kind that makes you say "Ooh mami! This shit tastes like...something!" Traditionally this is done by dissolving anchovies in the hot olive oil, but do you want anchovies in ya shit? Good, me neither. Just sprinkle some soy sauce over the whole thing my dude, in this land we can be lazy AND ethical. Radical!

So at this point this shit's about as salty as uncle Robby was when you told him you were vegan on Thanksgiving back in '05, if you're a dick like me, you might wanna add just a tad bit more salt. Now would also be a good time to add the cracked black pepper and thyme if you're dumb and didn't add it when you added the pasta water like you're supposed to.

Now's my favorite part!

Bottoms up fuckers!

I always kinda just play around with how much wine I pour on the pasta, and this is probably the first time that I actually put a little too much, but I'd say somewhere around 3/4s or one full cup should be about enough. Give the pasta a shake and let the wine cook in.

At this time the pasta is pretty much done, turn off the heat and admire it for a couple minutes. Now there's just one more thing.

Drizzle a bit more olive oil over the finished pasta, it gives it just a little of that that extra supreme buttery flavor and is totally worth it.

Serve it!

I haven't figured out a way to make it look pretty, but again this pasta doesn't follow the rules. She knows all the tricks that the other girls won't do for you.

Over all this is a great pasta and this recipe makes a lot of it; around 4 large servings, or 6 smaller ones. The leftovers are really good too, with so many flavors to settle together, so this is my favorite thing to make when I can gather the will to cook during a bad week or as a Sunday dinner to pack up for lunch at work throughout the week.

With how much it makes it's plenty cost effective, regardless of it using precious alcohol and the cherry tomatoes being a one time use ingredient. However it's definitely not quite as cost effective as some of my other recipes, it's a little more of a treat for me.

Enjoy!

Oh also after I finished my plate of it I stood over the stove like a fiend for a whole ten minutes, taking more bites out of the batch

Night!

[youthofnausea7]

Slutty Spaghetti (or Puttanesca if you wanna be boring) Part one:

Read First

So due to the high demand for home recipes from poor vegan broke dicks like myself, I'm starting a new tag (#ynrecipes) and going to try to make a sort of cookbook series here on tumblr. This is my first time doing this and I don't even have to try it once to know I'm fucking bad at it haha. Enjoy!

Thank you, now here we go!

This is my favorite pasta, and it just happened to be what I was about to make when I thought of doing this; one of many pastas that my mom showed me how to make when I was younger, it's a dish I make often in the colder months when homesickness hits the hardest for me. White wine and olive oil make a flavorful base for this pasta, while capers and kalamata olives make it pop. Let's get started!

What you need:

Pasta, dumbass. I know I call it Slutty Spaghetti, but this promiscuous pasta doesn't give a damn about rules and my favorite kind to use is linguine. 1lb.

A bulb of garlic, or just 4 cloves if you're a weenie

A shallot (or if you're like me and forgot to pick one up, you can just use a yellow onion like the filthy casual you are)

(Optional) crushed red pepper

Olive oil

Capers

Kalamata olives. Why kalamata olives? Because they're the fucking best, that's why.

Cherry tomatoes

Dry white wine (sauvignon blanc or chardonnay works great)

A dash of soy sauce

A dash of time

And one more dash, this one being salt and cracked black pepper

Oh yeah and a small can, (that's right, a can, because there's two things you are; poor and vegan, and one thing you're not; perfect) of tomato paste

So! First things first, put some water in a pot

Fill it to maybe about 2/3rds as much as you would if you were to make pasta normally, and then put that bad boy on the fire.

Next thing is to chop up the garlic, I didn't take pictures because chopping garlic is enough of a pain in the ass on its own. Put it on a skillet like so...

Cool, that's garlic on a frying pan, man.

Do the same thing with your shallot (or onion because your dumb ass forgot to get a shallot)

Nice!

Do you like pizza? Cool, me too. If you're anything like me, you probably have to learn the same lesson at least like five times before you have the ability to make better decisions. Also if you're anything like me, you probably have a bunch of these bad boys in your cupboard.

Put as many of these fuckers on with the garlic and shallot as your puny will can withstand, drop a tablespoon of olive oil on there and sautee on medium low heat until fragrant

At this point your water should be boiling, put a little salt in it or don't, this shit's already going to be salty af in a minute

Fail at dunking the pasta

Now put down those capers and olives, because you want the olive oil to carry those flavors just like your best friend carries your vomit encrusted drunk ass home from a party at 3:00 am

At this point the pasta shouldn't be completely cooked, but about as limp as the dick you tried to suck at said party. Now pay close attention. DO NOT strain it like you would with normal pasta, you want to instead transfer it over with all that starchy goodness dripping off.

When you have as much of the pasta as you can get out of the pot onto the skillet, open up your can of tomato paste and plop as much of it that you can scoop out onto the pasta with a fork, using the fork to dig it into the pasta as best as you can. It should look something like this:

Now dump out most of the noodle water until you've got just the bottom couple inches of it with the lonely straggler noodles just chillin there in the starchy starch, then dump that on the skillet.

Now get out those cherry tomatoes. I got these fancy shmancy brown cherry tomatoes for this one because they were cheaper at the store, fucking rad amirite?

End of part 1