#you can ask things if you want. i dont know anytning but it’s okay we will find out things together

[den-xerw-giati-uparxw]

I'm in love

It was 9am and Dan was just staring at his bedroom's ceiling. He wasn't thinking of something specific, million thought were drilling his mind trying to make him go crazy at least for a bit today. He didn't want to, but he was certain that today wasn't going to be a good day for him. He had a feeling that he might do something so stupid or accidentally reveal his love to his best friend Phil and destroy their relationship. 4 days ago they were in America doing their first live show called "The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire" and now they are back in London. Dan took a deep breath and shook his head, he then realised that it was 9am.he got off bed and opened his bedroom's window and when he wore a black plain t-shirt and a pair of jeans and opened his door He went to the kitchen and saw Phil trying to figure out what to eat for breakfast " good morning Dan"said and smiled at him "Oh Good morning to you too Phil" Dan replied " *pause*Are you okay ? You seem like you didn't sleep at all." Said Phil, it was true Dan had barely gotten any sleep the previous night. His mind couldn't 'shut up', he hated when that happen "Yeah I am , I'm just still a little bit tired that's all" said and smiled at Phil "Okay then...what do you want to eat for breakfast?" "Its okay I'll make it on my own, but thanks anyway" "Okay , I'm going to make a cup of coffee and eat a cupcake" said Phil "Well I dont know if I want to eat breakfast ,to be honest I fell like my stomach is going to explode, if I eat something "  said Dan "Yeah but you have to eat something. Last time you ate properly  was 2 days ago when we were having breakfast. You're last proper meal was breakfast and we're eating breakfast now." Said Phil cautious about his friends body's and mental health. "Jeez Phil your not my mother and I'm not a little boy but, okay calm down I'm gonna eat a Apple and brink a cup of coffee." Said Dan and felt bad and strange about what he just said he didn't expect of Phil to react like that "L-look I'm sorry Dan, it's just I care about you and I'm worried. If you don't want to eat don't eat. You're right it's none of my business...either you it or not it would be the same for me." Lied Phil, of course and it was his business, he loved Dan and he wanted him to be healthy ,so even though they would never be together they could be happy and live their lives as friends. "No I'm sorry..." Then both Dan and Phil sat down and ate their breakfast without talking at all. 15 minutes later they finished and Phil washed the two cups. Dan was about to left the room when Phil spoke "Wait Dan, fans have uploaded vlogs when they were on our live show. Do you want to sit and watch their reaction with me?" "Emh...sure? Why not?" "Okay" They then took two small bottles of water and went to their recording room "So we'll watch some vlogs and then record a gameplay or edit something?" Asked Phil "I don't really know to be honest...I don't know if I want to record a gameplay right now." "Okay we'll just edit for half an hour and when we'll just binge watch a anime" said  Phil and smiled at the youngest man "Yeah I think that would be nice" Dan mumbled And so they did, but instead of editing for hald an hour or so they started editing a gameplay from the start ,it took them 4 whole hours and since today they had to upload a video they watched it for 2 or 3 time to be sure it's perfect and the uploaded it into their gaming channel. Dan really enjoyed doing things with Phil but he lately felt like he wasn't enough, he felt like Phil was 'taking care' of him because that was the 'right' thing to do and he actually felt like he was only an obstacle in Phil's life. I mean come one, would Phil even believe him if he said that he was in love with him? No! Their fans forced the ship right into their faces way  too much and Dan was certain that Phil would never believe him. [...] Now it's about 10pm and they just finished watching 2 season of an anime they found the other day "Wow we watched anime for 3 straight hours."said Dan and looked around to focus on something else despite the laptop screen on his lap "Yeah and the and anime  was so great and funny" said Phil and stood up and turned on the  lights "Yeah it was." Admitted Dan "Phil....stop with the light " he said and they both started laughing "Okay so do you want something to eat?" Asked Phil and closed the laptops screen "Not really, I just want to go to sleep. I don't know why I just feel really exhausted for some reason today and I've done nothing" "Okay and I can understand we all have our good and bad days, our ups and downs don't worry and go get some sleep. I'll probably do the same" said Phil and smiled at Dan "Okay that was sweet and cheesy at the same time but thanks. I  really appreciate it" said Dan and smiled back at Phil warmly and went to his bedroom , closed the door behind him and just lied in bed. Phil was really confused, he couldn't really understand his best friend's behaviour but he didn't want Dan to feel more weird and uncomfortable. It was true everyone had their ups and downs but Dan had them too many times. Yeah he had existential crisis but this wasn't Phil's problem, his problem was that Dan had these crisis say too many times per week and he was worried for him. Phil finally made himself fall asleep around 3am. [...] When Dan opened his eyes and saw the alarm clock by the side of his bed it was 7am in the morning. He stood up and walked to the closet. Put on some clothes took his jacket and phone and then silently made his way to the doorway. He felt really bad that he was about to attempt to run away from his apartment and from Phil but he felt even more uncomfortable when Phil was around and when he was trying to take care of him because he pittied him. So he did it , he unlocked the flat's door and c left the house  without saying anytning or without letting a note for Phil and then he left the whole building. It was really early in the morning for him to wake up or to even go outside but he knew that Phil usually wakes up around 9am so it would be easier. As always the weather was bitter, what did he except? It was 7am and he loves in London. "God it's chilling...I should have brought somethingelse with me" For over three hours he did nothing but walking around like he was a lost tourist that couldn't  go to Big Ben even if they could see it was like 4-5miles away. Then he just sat to a bunch to a park and just started listening to music. It's was 10am and Phil had just woke up . . He went to the kitchen and made a cup of coffee, then he cleaned the mess he made with the sugar and went to the lounge and just started scrolling down his social media and then the YouTube comments on his channel and their gaming channel. At first Phil didn't find it weird that Dan hadn't walked out of his bedroom because it was 10am and then 11am. He started worrying when it was around 2pm and Dan wasn't awake or showing and signs of being alive. He went outside Dan's door and knocked "Dan? Are you alright? *pause* are you sleeping? *sigh* it's almost 2pm , look I know yesterday was a bad way for you and I totally understand really but you have to live with  some seemingly unbearable things just like I have to do the same" said Phil and a sad expression replaced his happy one. "Okay I'm sorry but I'm coming in" said and opened the door to see an empty room, Dan wasn't anywhere. Phil rushed out of Dan's bedroom and went to the lounge, he picked his phone up and rang Dan's number. Dan didn't pick up the phone instead he rejected Phil's call "Come on Dan....where the hell are you?" Said Phil and say on the sofa Dan put his on mute and put in on his jacket pocket and started walking down the road without knowing where exactly to go Fastforword to 3 hour later when Phil is still in the apartment totally freaking out "I've called Dan 6 times, I've left him quite a lot of messages ( they were 20) okay I get that this might annoy him but why isn't he answering to his phone? It's not like he said he'd be off or something like that. He just disappeared without letting me know with at least a sticky note" said Phil kinda desperate. Dan felt really bad that he hadn't answer to any of Phil's calls or messages 6 hours later. *voice message* "Hey Dan, its 11pm and look I'm sorry if I did something  yesterday or in general, you know that I don't think too much when I do things around you. I'm sorry if I'm annoying you right now.....*pause* but you know what? No I'm not sorry at all. I care about you Dan, more than you think I do and if you don't want to talk to me just send a message or something. If you hate me just let me know okay? So I can know that your alive, I won't get over it easily but it would be nice to know why you run off without saying anything" Dan wanted to call Phil and let him know that he was alright but he thought that Phil would be extremely angry with him. It was 2am when he continued to walk and walk but this time he knew exactly where to go, back to the apartment and face an angry Phil that will scream at him. It took him an hour and a half to get back to their building. He took the elevator and opened the apartment door slowly. He silently made his way to the 3rd floor and saw the lounge's door open, we stepped inside and what he saw was Phil covered with a blanket and laying down on the sofa and staring at the celieng without any specific expression. "Hey....." Dan whispered at looked down "Oh my god you're alive! Thanks God. Dan!" Said Phil  Dan's voice put him back to reality because it was what he expected to hear for the last 7 hours "Phil I'm so so sorry..." said Dan because he couldn't think of anything else to say "look I know yesterday was a bad way for you and I totally understand really "Phil couldn't finish his sentence because he  started to tear down "Phil don't cry please, this is all my fault, I know and I feel awful aboit it. My mind want blank and I didn't know what else to do. But I really Am sorry I did something like that"said Dan and sat on the sofa right next to Phil. He really didn't know what to say, he knew it was entirely his fault that Phil was crying, it was his fault that he let his mind take over him, he was the one that wasn't answering his phone calls , he was the one that run away for 14 hours and made Phil feel sick,extremely worried and helpless. But after all he always was a disappointment and he would always be one. " *sniff*Dan, I care about you, more than you think I do but if you really hate me that much you can just say it. We said from the start that we would be honest when something bother us, of course you wouldn't tell me all your secrets and I wouldn't tell you all mine but if you hate me please tell me that right into my face" said Phil and wipped his tears "Phil, are you serious of course and I don't hate you. How would I hate my *pause* best friend?" ""Dan, you have to live with  some seemingly unbearable things just like I have to do the same. Okay? It might seem that you can't do it but eventually you'll learn how to live with him-it. Now I know I will sound like a parent but you have to face your problems and fear and not run away from them"said Phil and looked Dan right into the eyes "What do you mean "just like I have to do the same"?..." "Well uhm.... I wnat to say something actually..." said Phil and started looking around "I want to say something to you too..." said Dan and Phil stopped looking around "Do you want to say it together?" Asked Phil trying to make the atmosphere less awkward "Actually no...I don't think we want to say the same...can I start at least?" Said Dan "Sure" replied Phil and he would feel his heart because he didn't know what Can was about to say "Phil Lester we are friends for over 7 years now and I don't know how to thank you enough for being by my side to every stupid existential crisis I had in the past, I can't thank you enough for the moment that you made me laugh, I can't thank you enough for the joy that your bringing into my life by simply talking to me about games or anime everyday, I chat thank you enough for just listening me to me rant and mumbling all day" said Dan and a tiny laughter escaped his lips "Well I do t know what to say. Just thanks for being my friend, thanks for never letting me down,thanks for never stop believing in me and thanks for never turning your back on me" D&P:I'm in love with you When these small but really powerful words escaped their lips and immediately just hugged and smiled at one another "Thanks for everything Phil" "Thanks for everything Dan" ~THE END~

[abrokenangels-poems]

Why do we search for love.

I remember the first time i tried to figure out love. And that went like this. I was at a trainstation. Thinking about the first girl i’ve ever loved. But, it was weird for me. A feeling i have never had before. A feeling i didnt understand. And you gotta know one thing about me. When i dont understand things, i do research. So i did. I was in the middle of the busy train station. And started asking people the same question. “How do you know that you’re in love.”

everyone had a different answer. Cause being in love with someone could mean that you'd do anytning to make that person laugh. That a simple touch can give you butterflies or hearing their voice decorates your face with a smile you cant get rid of. Or missing the person the second they step out of your reach or closing the door behind them. The feeling that you constantly want to be with them just because they make you feel so comfortable.

Maybe, suddenly, all the loves ballads you hear are about her.

Now i’ve been in love twice in my life. And it’s beautiful. Its painful and raw. Yet delicate and sweet. I would almost say; love is like a rose. And maybe that is why I love roses so much. It’s mesmerizing, but has its thorns. It is strong, yet fragile. It is beautiful and messy, gentle and harsh. It is something people fight for, crave for. Something people live and die for.

Love is the safety in her voice. The feeling of home in her hugs. Finding perfections in her flaws and beauty in her complexions. Love is “are you sure you’re okay.” The “just checking up on you.” Or the “this made me think of you.”

But sometimes i wonder why we want to be in love. Is it because society has convinced us that our values or ultimate happiness are only defined by that attention and affection of others? Or is it because deep inside i know the love i hold in my heart is not meant for myself, so u look for someone to share it with.

I dont think i’ll ever find answers to that question. No matter the research. No matter the trying to explain it in my writing. Love is explainable. It’s a feeling that’s deep within your bones, that has a home in your heart, a fire that is waiting for someone to sit closer to, to keep them warm on the days they need some comfort. That’s why i know, i will never stop loving. Because i may not have found a way to give it to myself. But i know that once i found my person. I will make her the happiest woman in the world.