#you dont understand the mental anguish i have suffered these past few weeks

[oftheddawn]

new to ff7 how do i find the four other people on the internet that like genesis rhapsodos

[darlinvandijk]

It’ll be okay

Concept: request where “reader is struggling a lot with her mental health and cries a lot at night when she’s alone. Kinda based on his song “unsaid””. So trigger warning, this will involve anxiety, depression, and overall struggle with mental health. This is an extremely personal piece for me, if it’s personal to you too, just know I love you. Things get better. Sorry this took me so long, it was hard for me to write. i hope you enjoy

Another day passed, another blurry, and grey day. Today was just like the rest of my days lately, numb and pain filled. It might sound like an oxymoron, being able to feel pain while being numb, but trust me it’s possible. Everyday has been filled with emotionless conversations on my behalf, fake smiles and laughs, but no one seems to notice the endless amounts of suffering I’m going through alone. They haven’t even seemed to notice how this whole holiday break, I’ve been “busy” everyday they tried to meet up. I wish they would notice, because the lord knows I won’t ask for help. Maybe it’s better they don’t notice, I wouldn’t want to be a burden to my own friends.

Every day I wake up, feeling nothing but a heavy sense of dread weighing me down. My body just being dead weight that I carry around throughout the daily tasks that I can barely bring myself to do, majority of my day spent in and out of sleep. All I do is sleep, it’s the only way to avoid the real world, and even then I can’t always avoid it when my problems follow me into my dreams. I don’t even think I dream that much anymore, my brain not even being able to muster up the energy to do that. The little bit of energy I have is used up most nights by the sobs that silently shake my body, usually trying to be as quiet as possible to not alert my parents, or it’s used up by the more frequent than ever panic attacks. They use up more energy than I have, leaving me a shaky tear streaked mess, too terrified to even move after having one. Let’s just say these past two weeks we’ve been on break,have only lead to everything becoming worse, all I can do is stay in my room and let these words in my head tear me down. I’m broken.

I sit on the floor of my room, music softly filling the space as I lean against the wall, ignoring the tears that seem to never go away. I silently watch my phone, the endless stream of texts and group chats getting blown up, not being able to find it in me to respond to them. Not like they’d notice if I replied anyways, too enticed with the bottomless amount of party invites. I let out a choked sob, wishing I could feel the happiness they feel, envying the way they get to experience life. I don’t want to be envious and jealous of them, but when your brain is wired a certain way, making even the smallest things a struggle, it’s hard to not be a little green towards your friends. I feel all these emotions running through me, my tears just streaming down my face, yet I’ve never been more emotionally detached and numb.

I stare at my phone as it lights up with an incoming call, instantly tensing when I see the name that pops up across my screen, one of the many people I’ve distanced myself from again. I take a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves and steady my uneven breathing, hoping I can hide my pain filled state. I lift the phone shakily to my ear, “Hey rueloff, what’s up” I cheerily spit out, feeling the fake emotions drip off my words. I hear him take in a breath on the other end, before letting out a light sigh, causing me to freeze at the underlying disappointment radiating off of him. The one person I never wanted to disappoint or bother. All I can seem to do is disappoint people.

“I’ve tried to give you space the last two weeks, but I’m done letting you ignore my calls and texts. What’s going on with you?-” Ruel questions instantly, leaving no room for argument. I sit there silently, completely unsure on how to get myself out of the mess I’ve made. I start trying to pathetically defend myself, only to be interrupted, “don’t give me that bullshit, you haven’t been busy. You always tell me that everything is fine, but you don’t have anywhere to hide now, and you know that.” He snaps out. I feel my eyes get watery at the frustration he feels, even though I know he’s not mad at me, he’s just frustrated that I’m not letting him in. He’s frustrated that I’m going down the same path again, the same path I’ve been down many times before.

“I’ve just been tired lately, not in the mood to socialize and stuff, that’s all..” I mumble, my words left hanging in the air as they pierce through the heavy silence. It’s quiet for a few more seconds, just enough time for my bottom lip to wobble, tears yet again filling my eyes to the brim. I squeeze my eyes shut, pressing my lips tight together, trying to cut off my emotions. I try to take in a quiet breath to even my breathing out, only for it to come in staggered, causing Ruel to instantly hold his breath. The silence was deafening.

“Why don’t you ever wanna talk about it? Can’t you see that I’m trying my hardest here, I’m trying to get through to you, but you always fucking find a way around it. Please just let me help.. please” he quietly lets out, the crack in his voice causing a sob to rack my body. Knowing I’m hurting those around me, when that’s the one thing I’m trying to avoid, is tearing me apart. I don’t want the people I love to be hurt, I’m not worthy enough for them to care that much anyways. I never wanted to hurt the people around me and I never wanted to disappoint them. I never wanted to end up like this.

I sit there silently, my phone laying on the ground next to me on speaker, listening to the sound of Ruels shaky breathing. I hear him take a deep breath, causing my quiet sobs to pause as I listen, knowing he’s about to say something. “I’m coming over. I can’t let this just hang over my head anymore.” He states, ending the call before I can even object to his plans. I sit there against my wall, numbly staring straight ahead, unable to even find the motivation to get up and try to tidy my room up. I mean fuck, I don’t even have the motivation or energy to get up and brush my hair. It’s not like there’s even a point in trying to look better and clean my room, he already knows the truth, he already knows it’d just be a facade to hide the actual state I’m in.

I get the energy to numbly shuffle across my room to change my clothes, I’ve been in them for about 4 days now, and the least I can do is make sure I’m in something clean. I slowly undress, not even realizing what I’m doing, my body just going on autopilot. I grab one of Ruels hoodies off a hanger, pulling it over my head, before shakily putting on a pair of shorts. My legs slightly wobble as I make my way to my bed to sit down, feeling weak from my lack of food lately. I’ve lightly snacked on a few things my mom has brought me over the past couple of days, but just couldn’t bring myself to fully eat anything. It wasn’t even that I didn’t want to eat, it’s just that I couldn’t bring myself to even move in order to do so. I haven’t showered. I’ve barely even brushed my teeth. I haven’t brushed my hair. I haven’t done anything. I don’t want to do anything. I can’t do anything.

I don’t even realize the time that has gone by until I hear footsteps leading up to my bedroom door, snapping my out of the thoughtless trance I was in. I’m sitting against my headboard, knees pulled into my chest, as my door is slowly pushed open. Ruel enters the room, his eyes wandering over everything, before they rest on me. He stands with his back against my now closed door, watching me with a observant gaze as he tries to read the situation. I silently stare back, not having the confidence to make the first move, especially when I’ve never been confident when it comes to talking about my mental health. Especially when it comes to talking about it with people close to me, it’s too intimate and leaves me vulnerable.

He slowly walks to the bed, slipping his shoes off, before climbing up and sitting next to me. We both stare at the wall straight ahead of us, shoulders pressed against each other. Surprisingly it’s not an awkward silence, but rather one filled with understanding, since he seems to know that this situation is a lot harder for me than I’ll ever admit. We sit in silence for who knows how long, our shoulders rising and falling together with our quiet breaths, my music softly playing in the background. As we sit there together, I feel my throat start to tighten up, the anxiety for what’s to come next finally reaching surface. I continue to look at the wall, feeling my bottom lip quiver, as tears start to fall down my face in a never ending river. A choked sob brutally makes its way out of my throat, disrupting the silence we had been sitting in, and shifting the air around us. Ruel continues to stare at the wall, but softly reaches his hand out to intertwine it with mine, putting as much reassurance into it as he can.

“Sweetheart, you need to let me in. I can’t help you if you don’t let me... what’s going on?” He whispers to me, pulling me into his chest. The tears continue to steadily stream down my face, my back pressed against his chest, and my hands clutching his arms that are wrapped around my chest. He holds me tight against him, his own eyes watering a little as he feels the sobs rip through my body, knowing there’s nothing he can really do to make this all go away. I feel my anxiety and anguish rise at his question, because I have no real answer for him. I don’t know why this is happening, I don’t know why I feel this way, and I don’t know how he can help me. All I know is that it hurts. It hurts so fucking much.

“I-I dont know. I don’t know why this is happening or why it keeps happening... I don’t want it to keep happening-“ I whimper out, hiccuping as I try to keep going. Ruel starts to slowly rock us side to side, having felt the way my body tensed up as I tried to explain my feelings. I turn my head to look at him, his eyes clearly showing distress as he takes in my shattered expression, which only break more as I keep going. “How is anyone s-supposed to help m-me when I can’t even h-hell myself. I-I want it to s-stop. I don’t want to feel like t-this anymore, it hurts. I-it never gets better. I-it just keeps hurting me... it hurts” I sob out, my cry for help clear as day. A few tears fall from Ruels eyes down his cheeks, his heart breaking as he realizes everything I’ve been going through alone, as he realizes just how much it’s truly breaking me.

“I promise you won’t feel like this forever, it feels like it right now, but it won’t always be like this. We’re gonna get you help, yeah? We’re gonna get you help, so that it stops hurting, and you’ll be able to see just how important you truly are.” He promises me, holding me as tight as he can against him. I want to believe him, I truly do, but I’ve felt like this for so long that I just don’t have hope anymore. Ruel notices my lack of reply, deciding to instantly start pleading with me, “No, you can’t give up on me. You promised me when we were little, that you would be by my side forever. You don’t break promises. We’re going to get you help and I’ll help you too. I won’t quit until that day you can fall asleep at night without crying or feeling alone, because you’re not alone. So many people care about you” He whimpers out. I grab his hand with both of mine, holding it as I clutch it to my chest, feeling all the pain I’ve been pushing away rise to the surface.

“If so many people care about me.. then why do I feel so alone. All I do is hurt everyone around me. You wouldn’t feel like this if it wasn’t for me..-“ I choke out, his hand instantly gripping both of mine as they stay clutched against me, neither of us taking notice to my playlist coming to an end. I hear him take in a breath, but cut him off before he can say anything, “I just want to feel normal. I don’t want to keep hurting and keep wondering what I could change about me to be better.. why can’t I just be good enough” I whisper. It almost echos in the now silent room, leaving a haunting feeling behind, my words holding a heavy meaning as they linger. I hear his shaky breathing and feel it against the back of my neck, his arm tightening around me.

“Don’t say that. You are good enough, you’re more than good enough. Without you I would have never experienced some of the best moments of my life, I wouldn’t be who I am without you. I’m not me without you. You’re the biggest blessing in my life.” He mutters into my ear, feeling my sobs start to subside, leaving me resting against him with his hand still gripped between mine. He presses a light kiss to the side of my head, not knowing how to fully express his feelings, especially when it comes to a topic this hard. “You’re not alone, you’ll never be alone, because you’ve got me for the rest of our lives. I promise.” He states, a tone if finality in his voice. I give him a shaky nod back, wanting more than anything to feel whole again, even if I don’t fully believe it right now.

“I just don’t want to hurt anymore.. that’s all I want.” I softly plead, hearing the desperation lacing my voice. Ruel completely pulls me into him, holding me as desperately as I’m holding him, both of us gripping for any sort of comfort. I turn to him and stare into his lightly red rimmed eyes, uttering anguish filled question, “can things ever truly get better?” I whimper out. He instantly places his hands against my cheeks, pressing his forehead against mine, giving me no option but to stare into his emerald eyes.

“Yes. Things can and will get better. All you need is a little help, because even the strongest people need help.” He confirms, watching the way my hesitant eyes regard him. I can feel his hands shaking as they keep their firm grip on my face, my own hands shaking as I hold onto his forearms. We stay in this position, foreheads against each other, and hands holding onto one another as he waits for me to reply. As he desperately pleads and prays in his head for me to pull myself out of this dread filled fog that covers my brain. It’s not that easy though.

“If things get better, why doesn’t it feel like it? Why doesn’t it feel like I’ll ever be okay again.” I barely manage to get out before my face is in the crook of his neck, and he’s holding me firmly in his arms. He presses soft kisses to the top of my head, wanting nothing more than to take away my pain, but knowing this is only the start of a long grueling process. The start of a process that’s going to have more ups and downs than anyone could possibly imagine.

“Because your brain isn’t ready to accept it yet, which is why I’m here. I’m going to be the encouraging and strong part of your brain to keep you going, until you can do it on your own. I’m going to fight for you to get better, until you can fight it on your own, with me on the side cheering you on. I’ll take you to whatever appointments and sessions you have to go to until you feel like you again.” He promises, my breath hitching with emotion as I truly take in how much he cares about me and is believes in me. Before I can reply to him, he starts talking again, “recovery isn’t an overnight process love, it’s fast for some people, but long for others. It’s going to be hard, it’s going to be stressful, but I promise you’re going to do it. You’re the strongest girl I know and I love you.” He concludes. I nod against his neck, gripping onto him as he slowly slides us down my bed, stopping once we’re fully laying down with me resting on top of him.

“It’s hard for me to truly believe everything you’re saying right now, but I promise I’ll try my hardest. I want to get better, I want to get better for me, and for all of you-” I mumble back, feeling my eyes start to droop as the exhaustion from today’s events finally kicks in. He slowly starts combing through my hair with one of his hands, the other tracing patterns into my lower back, neither actions helping in my fight to stay awake. “Thank you for not giving up on me. I love you more than anything. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I just wish I could fly through this recovery thing, because it hurts Ruel. It hurts to keep feeling this way everyday” I sleepily mutter. He softly sighs out, knowing that I’ll be okay one day, but also knowing it’s going to take awhile till I get there.

“It’ll be okay. I promise.” He whispers, his words hanging in the air as we both drift off into a well deserved night of sleep, holding each other with nothing but love in our hearts.

Everyone deserves happiness and peace, everyone deserves to live a full life, and everyone deserves to see what the world truly has in store for them. One day I’ll believe I deserve it too.