#you just have to laugh like what as i thinkinggggg

[rhineposting]

POSSIBLY TRIGGERING CONTENT AHEAD, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

THE SCENARIO DISCUSSED IS IN RELATION TO A CANON DIVERGENT INTERPRETATION OF A CHARACTER.

THE DISCUSSED AND DESCRIBED THEMES AND HEADCANONS APPLY ONLY TO THIS PARTICULAR VERSION OF THE CHARACTER, AND NOT THE CANON AND OFFICIAL VERSION OF THE CHARACTER THAT IS DEPICTED IN MY OTHER, LIGHTER WORKS.

I DO NOT CONDONE BEHAVIOURS DESCRIBED IN THE FOLLOWING WORK. THE WORK'S MAIN PURPOSE IS FIRST AND FOREMOST A STUDY OF TWO CHARACTERS' MINDSET FOLLOWING TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES.

It had been two months since the Day of Unity, and they hadn’t made any progress in unstucking themselves from the Human Realm and, in turn, Camila’s home - which was pretty obvious, considering they were technically illegal immigrants with no papers or anything. Interdimensional immigrants, but immigrants nonetheless, and according to Luz, those weren’t taken so kindly. Which was… absurd, frankly. Their world was much vaster than the Boiling Isles, with so many more places to see and be in, and yet, for some reason, people just insisted on banning each other from doing that. And the worst part? Well, it was that apparently, that  wasn’t even the worst part of living in the Human Realm . They didn’t dare ask what actually was, though. They'd seen and heard enough.

However, they couldn’t deny that some things were objectively better in the Human Realm - like the houses. Doorbells didn’t eat people alive and no one had a house demon. No one had a Hooty. Who… they kinda missed. But, most importantly, they had so many more options in terms of entertainment! Circuses with actual safety measures, or cinemas - basically crystal balls but bigger and with better sound and even special, cinema-exclusive snacks! Malls, too - like city markets, but stuck in buildings with nice smelling air and brain-numbing white lights, along with fancy water fountains and exotic plants strewn here and there, like in a garden. A very strange, synthetic and shiny garden.

Most most importantly, though, they had… the internet, which was basically all of those things combined. It was available on everyone’s devices, and was even out there for free, sometimes, in some places outside. And there was everything on it.

Everything.

Gus had almost died of overdosing on arcane knowledge, in fact, but that was a tale for another time. 

‘She likes girls? So you’re saying I actually have a chance?’

Despite its dangers, it still held many good things - one of them being Net-flickers, or however that went. Luz didn’t agree on it being that good, but at that very moment, Hunter had no choice but to disagree.

It was raining outside, and while the others were sleeping through it, he and Luz had decided to hook her laptop to the TV to watch some old movie. So, here they were, huddled under a blanket on opposite ends of the couch, their eyes transfixed on the pale screen, blank as they simply and silently took in everything happening on it.

‘Dude, Mrs. Ember has a wife and three kids,’ a fake teenager on the screen snorted. ‘What are you even thinkinggggg?’

‘Dude, come onnnnnnnnnnnn!'

The fake teenagers laughed some more as they patted each other on the back before skateboarding off to the mall, where they would inevitably bump into some stereotypical bullies. Though that was for later. At that very moment, Luz quietly laughed too, which  was nice. She didn’t smile very often anymore. Most of the time, when she wasn’t sulking, she just… stared at nothing. Almost as if she wasn't there in the present with them.

“... Hey, Luz?” Hunter suddenly found himself interrupting their comfortable silence, and the girl's head turned to face him. “... Can I ask you something real quick?”

“Of course,” she replied, resting her chin on her palm. “Hit me.”

… Hunter wasn’t sure why on Earth she thought he'd want to hit her, but he guessed that was a yes.

Despite being given the green light, though, he still found himself at a loss for words - opening his mouth only to close it again. Moving his hand in some vague and meaningless gesture before pulling it back to himself. Turning to Luz with furrowed brows, only to immediately look away and down at his hands. The longer this went on, the more puzzled Luz appeared. Even though he'd literally seen her doing the same whenever she happened to dance around a question.

Fortunately for the both of them, he eventually sighed and went with it - after all, what was the worst she could say?

“... So, uh…” he stammered, avoiding her gaze as he fiddled with the edge of his blanket, “... is it like… normal… for people our age to… um, like adults…?”

Much to his surprise, instead of immediately electrocuting him for even asking that, she… laughed. 

Again.

“Pfff, of course, dummy. Everyone had a crush on an adult as a kid, it’s like. A rite of passage.”

“... Wait, really?”

“Well, duh!” Luz nodded, now fully smiling. Was she actually happy to be having this talk with him, or was she ridiculing him? Titan help him, he had no idea. “Trust me, I've been there - I had crushes on allllll the teachers that were even slightly nice to me. Like… my PE teacher, my art teacher in fourth grade, that one music teacher I had for three months before she moved, my english teacher…”

The longer she went on, the more bewildered Hunter appeared.

“And… okay, but you gotta keep this between us.” Even more so after she suddenly scooted towards him, cupping a hand next to her mouth as she looked around, as if she were about to confess to a murder. And was she? Wait no, they weren’t even talking about death, dying or killing. “Can you promise me to never, ever tell anyone? If you do, I’m killing you, myself, AND I'm burying us in one grave!”

His face turned one shade paler as he nodded, uncertain whether she was being serious or not under that weird, half-embarrassed smirk. Did he have any other choice than to agree, though?

At least it made Luz happy.

“Alright, so…” the girl lowered her voice to a murmur, still keeping her hand hovering in mid-air, throwing suspicious looks at the empty living room, “I… used to have a small, very teeny tiny crush on Eda when I first came to the Boiling Isles. But that was before I, y’know, got closer to her and before she… kinda became my second mom.”

There it was again : a glimpse of that searingly dull pain that seemed to always persist behind her eyes, where she kept it hidden, all to herself. Though, before Hunter could even think of saying anything, she continued talking, as she was certainly well aware of the opening she'd just left. She needed a distraction. Quickly.

“I mean, she has it all! The glorious hair, the fashion and all that coolness she puts into everything she does. Y’know? Even Willow saw all that! Willow! That surely means something, no?”

… As odd as it was to imagine someone like Willow yearning for the constantly-on-fire hairball in high heels that was Eda, he was… relieved to hear it. Enough so that he sighed and went back to resting against the couch, since, for the last five minutes, he'd been hunched over. For some reason.

“Whew, haha, good to know.” He smiled at Luz, who in turn smiled even wider. “Thanks, Luz. I knew you’d be the right person to ask.”

Yeah.

But before he could savor the peace and relief, he was proven wrong as her smile suddenly turned into a devilish, mischievous grin.

“Buuut, my wisdom does come at a price! And now you gotta pay! With YOUR wisdom!”

The smile on Hunter’s face fell. He looked away.

Then, just like a little kid about to be told a fairytale, she turned her whole body towards him and crossed her legs, her hands now holding both her cheeks as she stared at him expectantly :

“Who was your adult crush, huh? You wouldn’t ask if you didn't have one! Come on, spill it!”

“... Hunter?”

He wouldn’t look at her anymore.

“... Hunter, who was it?”

Precisely because of that, she still chose to listen to him as he finally came up with something more to say.

There was no answer from Hunter, and that alone was enough of an answer to Luz - now deeply disturbed, her eyebrows furrowed and almost at a loss for words.

Almost.

“...Hunter that’s…That’s not right,” she eventually spoke - her voice cracking, “That kind of crush is not right, okay or anything of the sort!”

She couldn’t see his face anymore, but she still saw his ears twitch downwards. Enough of an indicator of the slowly creeping in shame.

“...Didn’t you just say you used to think that way about Eda?”

“W-Well, yes! But that was a long time ago, I was still dumb and-” the girl found herself stammering over her words, struggling to not sound like a hypocrite, even though she knew it was not the same. ���And she’s not actually my mom, we’re not related or anything, y’know?”

Yet, none of those words seemed to convince Hunter, as he still sat with his knees held to himself, fully turned away. Had they known each other any shorter, and Luz would think he was being difficult on purpose, but both to her fortune and misfortune, she could tell from a mile away when the boy was not with them anymore - instead back between white gold banners, kneeling below a mold-green giant heart and a pair of unforgiving blue eyes hiding behind brass. This too, was one of those situations.

“...You said you liked Eda because she’s cool, among other things,” he murmured, nearly burying his nose between his knees by then. “...For me, it was how…He was nice to me when I did good, unlike everyone else. They’d treat my every success as something obvious. Like…”

He interrupted himself with a huff, rubbing at the back of his neck - once again struggling to find the right words, the right comparison that would make Luz understand - while she simply waited. Even though it was the last thing she wanted to do right now, even though a part of her wanted to tell Hunter to stop talking and reminding her of just how horrible his life was. It was too much, being constantly reminded that one of her best friends never got the same opportunities she and her other friends had, and that there was nothing she could do to fix it, besides carrying the burden of knowing and offering advice - which she wasn’t even remotely equipped to give. As much as she loathed to think about it, a part of her somewhat resented him for putting her in this position. It was an awful, selfish thing to feel.

“...Humans don’t reward their devices for finding things they need on the Internet, right?”

To that, Luz nodded. Already understanding where he was going with this.

“...But they do get mad when they don’t. They lash out and yell,” he continued. “That’s how it was with the Covenheads or senior Scouts.”

For a moment, Luz wondered if Raine or Darius were included in that statement, and she didn’t really want to know. Especially in the bard’s case.

Hunter sighed again, now rubbing at his scarred cheek.

“...He did too, but,” he added, Luz’s thoughts momentarily going back to the dusty hall of gold framed memories, color briefly fading from her face as she recalled some of them. To this day, she was glad they didn’t see all of it. “He’d smile at me. He’d tell me he was satisfied with my work, and that he hoped he wouldn’t have to replace me anytime soon.”

He paused again, but this time to let out a bitter, pained chuckle.

“...I mean, now I know he was lying about all of those things, but back then…Hearing that was the best thing in the world.”

Oh no. Please no. Please don’t tell me it’s not what I think it is, please. I can’t deal with this alone. Why do I have to deal with this at all? I’m his friend, not a therapist! I don’t even know how to help! Please, stay quiet! Just- Just don’t say anything-

Just as Luz started to think her heart couldn’t break any more for him, she was proven wrong once again. Of course he wouldn’t have a crush on a teacher or anything like what she had. It was just like how her mother told her - if a dog is regularly mistreated by ten people and one of those people occasionally gives treats and pats, the dog is going to love that person to death despite the abuse. Wait, no, she didn’t mean to compare Hunter to a dog, that was even worse than simply considering him an extension of the Emperor and nothing else. Okay, maybe she should have started thinking about something else before she eventually blurts something awful out.

After hearing him out, the girl sighed and leaned back against the couch like a deflated balloon, her gold-brown eyes now full of sadness and understanding alike, her gaze trailing off to the side.

“...Still,” Luz added in a murmur, “Crushes on family members aren’t normal. Generally anything romance related between relatives is…Bad.” Especially if the family is an older caretaker. Especially if the family was Belos, “But hey, at least now you know that it was-”

From the corner of her vision, she saw Hunter’s head abruptly snap in her direction - his magenta eyes wide open and face pale, just as she finished her sentence.

“...Wrong.”

Hunter didn’t say anything.

The look of horror, of realization in his wide open eyes said everything for him. Dropped all the burden on her again for him. Right then and there, she should have excused herself, maybe under the excuse of going to the bathroom - only to run to…She didn’t know. Her mom. Amity. Or even Willow. They’d know how to help, they’d know the right thing to say, the right thing to do, right? But wouldn’t it be selfish? Wouldn’t that just make Hunter feel like she cared about her own comfort more than him? Of course it would.

So, there she stayed again, but instead of following her own internal yelling, she did the opposite of not saying anything.

“...Hunter,” against her better judgment, she spoke up again. “...Your crush was the only thing between you and him, right?”

A part of her hoped it wasn’t, in retrospect, it was the dumbest, most naive part of her that always believed things couldn’t get any worse. And it just so happened that almost everything regarding Hunter’s life seemed to get worse and worse the more she learned about it. It almost felt comically grotesque, as if he had been carved through life for someone’s entertainment. with each wound simply being another point on the program - and Luz didn’t dare wonder what the finale would look like, should this feeling turn out to be true.

In the end, Hunter almost turned sheet white in the face. He looked like his heart went ahead and turned itself off.

“...I…I thought it’s a normal thing between people that trust each other when they’re old enough,” Hunter said, his voice blank. “...He didn’t lie about that one thing, right?”

Luz was going to be sick.

Words, feelings, everything she had eaten all day had suddenly made a line to come out her throat all at once. Seeing it coming minutes later did nothing to prepare her for what felt like a stab directly through her stomach, and if that wasn’t enough…Her brain just had to fill in the gaps with images of something she desperately didn’t want to see in any way, shape or form.

She imagined Hunter, right about his current age. Lonely and clueless, lost in his feelings that he had to tend to alone. Then, she saw the blue eyed man that haunted her nightmares and thoughts. He would play with his faded brown-blonde hair, his gaze lazily narrowed like that of a serpent’s. A smug smile present across his face marred with blue scars and blemishes as he would have assured him that there was nothing to be embarrassed about, since after all he didn’t see Hunter as his actual nephew or anything else besides a pawn. Then, he would have probably made that annoyingly arrogant hand gesture to get him to come closer and—

Too much. It was too much, and it was her own fault. If she could have pried her skull open and set her brain on fire, she would have. Why would it do that to her? Hunter needed her right then and there. And now, she couldn’t even stay to actually try to help, even if she hadn’t had the slightest idea how to.

“...Sorry Hunter, I’ll-” She gagged, only slightly managing to conceal it. “...I’ll be right back. Pee break, haha.”

In the end, she just barely made it to the toilet bowl.

Hunter heard everything. Gagging. Coughing. Retching. Wheezing. As he unwillingly listened to the direct result of him trying to seek shelter in Luz, he stared wide-eyed at the TV screen until his eyes hurt from drying out - no longer paying any attention to the plot of the movie.

It felt like the more his friends knew about him, the more he wounded them in the process. Almost as if every time he opened his mouth, the venom constantly bubbling inside his guts poured out on them, slowly rotting them on the inside like him. And they didn’t deserve it. They didn’t deserve to keep putting up with a burden like him.

Never again, he decided, and by the time Luz came back, he was gone.

-------------

For the record, I did not write this for the sake of entertainment. While I do not owe anyone the history of my trauma for the sake of avoiding backlash, I would like to mention that the thought processes and actions of both Luz and Hunter are things I have done and experienced personally in the past- as both the listener and the one realizing that their world-view is skewed and based on twisted half truths and incomplete information on top of emotional immaturity.

Hence, this work takes neither Hunter's nor Luz's side, as they are both victims in this scenario, with Luz being a child suddenly faced with things she's not equipped to handle alone, and with Hunter also being a child who had been left to his own devices for most of his life when it came to his feelings and mental health. Neither of them possess the maturity and knowledge to act rationally in this situation - as, I cannot stress this enough, they are both children who had gone through emotionally stunting traumatic events. Neither of them are to blame, except the perpetrator who had put them through said events in the first place.

And again, I am not a licensed or educated professional in psychology. All the conclusions above come from my personal experience and knowledge which may be subjective and faulty at times.

With that said, if you still come screaming into my ask-box or notes about how I'm apparently a p*do or that I support SA, I'm going to spray a lemon in your eyes and sell your brain since you're clearly not using it for anything anyway.

And to those who read this far without thinking of doing that, thank you.

[mattodore]

was truly out of my mind for not considering the fact that taking a screenshot at 5744 x 3201 would mean that editing the screenshot afterward to share to tumblr would be the biggest clown moment of all time.......