#you’re both problems!!!!!!! tallys you are the only bitch I respect in this picture

[hippychick006]

5.01 - Sympathy for the Devil

I had almost completed this recap when chrome decided to freeze on me. Normally I autosave, but Tumblr doesn’t have this feature and I forgot to save as I went along.  As a result, I’m slightly more irked than normal so this might show in the writing.  

It’s long again.  That’s only partly due to the fact there’s so much going on: we have Sam, Dean, Zachariah, Castiel, Nick, Bobby, Chuck... and far from being overwhelmed and giving me whiplash, the story is all linked to a single thread.  It’s interesting and engaging, and the actors all do an amazing job, so this episode is definitely worth a re-watch, especially if you like your heart getting ripped out of your chest while it’s still beating. 

The rest of the length is due to having so many issues, both from a narrative and retconning perspective.  Part of the problem is I’m bringing some of the pandering dialogue from the last few years back to the earlier episodes and it just makes these episodes even more painful to watch than they were the first time around.

Thunderstruck by AC/DC plays as we recap on Season 4.  It’s not any less traumatic in recap.

We open exactly where we left off. Sam and Dean are in the convent holding on to each other. We don’t stay there for long though as just when things start looking dodgy, Sam and Dean are transported onto an airplane.  I like the inflight cartoon is a clip of Yosemite Sam in front of the devil. Nice touch.   

Just when they think they are safe, a bright white light shoots up from the ground (obviously from the convent) and the force causes the airplane to veer off course.  The oxygen masks descend, and the plane shakes violently. I think even Sammy might be all aboard the nope to flying ever again train after his second experience of a flight almost crashing.

They land fine though because next time we see them, they are in a car that isn’t baby.  The digital readout on the radio gives it away, and I remember baby is back at Bobby’s as Dean was teleported in the last episode. There’s no decent rock music, it’s all hurricanes, nuclear tests, earthquakes and swine flu.  Sam turns it off and tries to speak to Dean.  Dean says not to say anything, that it’s okay, they just need to keep their heads down and figure things out.  First things first, find Cass.

Chuck’s house is an explosion, blood is splattered everywhere.  And as they look around, Sam suddenly gets whacked hard in the face with a toilet plunger.  Turns out to be Chuck, he’s survived and he’s surprised to see them.  He asks if Sam is okay.   Sam responds, “Well, my head hurts.”  I love sarcastic Sam, we don’t get enough of him.  Chuck clarifies: “No, I mean—I mean, my—My last vision.  You went, like, full-on Vader.  Your body temperature was one-fifty. Your heart rate was two hundred. Your eyes were black.  Dean: “Your eyes went black?”  Sam turns back to look at him, “I didn’t know.”

Dean asks where Cass is and Chuck says he exploded.  After 10 seasons of Cass and 3 years of “Where’s Cass?” on social media, I would be cheering this outcome now, but Season 5 me is a little sad.

Sam indicates that Chuck has something stuck in his hair.  Turns out it’s a molar.  Chuck: “This has been a really stressful day.”

Zachariah turns up (and for the purposes of my fingers, he’s now Zach), Dean’s pissed and going nowhere with them as “You sons of bitches jump started judgement day”.

Zach: Maybe we let it happen.  We didn’t start anything.  Right, Sammy?  [Zach winks at Sam].  I control my red mist of rage and quietly start a tally of how many times Sam will be blamed by the narrative for starting the apocalypse.

Zach wisely ignores my angry typing and continues: “You had a chance to stop your brother and you couldn’t.  So, let's not quibble over who started what. Let's just say it was… all our faults and move on…

Oh Zach, if only we could, but at least twice more in this episode alone, not to mention years later, the narrative will still be pointing the finger at Sammy.

Zach is very keen to put the past betrayals behind them.  They’re back on the same team again. As he puts it: “You want to kill the devil.   We want you to kill the devil. It's...synergy.”  I love Zach.  Yes, he’s a dick, but you know where you are with him.  He’s not sneaking off stealing colts while pretending to be besties. 

Dean unsurprisingly after the last episode has trust issues and suggests that Zach “Cram it with walnuts, ugly.” Zach gets hissy.  He tells them they need to strike before Lucifer finds his vessel.   Sam asks “Lucifer needs a meat suit?”

Zach confirms this and that Dean can stop him, but he will need the help of the angels. Dean though, doesn’t want jack squat from the two-faced douchebags (his words).  Dean soon gets bored with the conversation and pulls a door towards him.  We see it has the angel banishing symbol on it. Dean slams his hand on the door and Zach and his goons disappear.  Dean: Learned that from my friend Cas, you son of a bitch.

Wait, hold on. Back the fuck right up.  The guy that forced you to face and torture Alastair, lied to you about what exactly you were signing up for, betrayed you by not telling you about heaven’s plans for your brother - and you do not want me to get started on the panic room fiasco. He finally does one right thing and you not only trust him, he’s been elevated to friend? That guy?  GTFO with that nonsense. Heh, watching when you no longer like a character gets you to see everything in a new light.  

Chuck: This sucks ass.

Well thank you Chuck, for that observation.  It does indeed suck ass.  I had no idea on re-watching I would have so many issues with a Kripke episode.

We next see Sam coming down a staircase to enter a motel.  He enters the room and throws a hex bag to Dean saying, there’s no way angels or demons will find them with those. Dean asks where he got it from and Sam says he made it (his face is so earnest here).  Dean asks how and Sam’s reluctant to tell him, but Dean looks at him and he says.  “I…I learned it from Ruby.”

I love Sam’s face in this interaction, but I’m going to call the scene out.  Dean knows about the hex bags.  He learned about them in season 3, from Ruby herself. He even used them himself in 4.18.   I’m going to ignore the hypocrisy that it seems to be okay to use something learned from an angelic lying skank that betrayed them (the angel banishing sigil), but not something else from a demonic lying skank that betrayed them (a hex bag).  Oh wait, I’m not ignoring the hypocrisy at all because I’ve just called it out! Increasingly bitter 10 minutes into the episode, we move on.

Dean asks if Sam’s “jonesing for another hit of bitch blood or what?”  Sam says no, whoever put him on that plane cleaned him up. He tries to speak to Dean again.  He doesn’t get further than Dean’s name.  Dean responds sharply, “Sam” and turns and walks away saying it’s okay, that Sam doesn’t have to say anything. 

Sam: Well, that's good. Because what can I even say? "I'm sorry"? "I screwed up"? Doesn't really do it justice, you know? Look, there's nothing I can do or say that will ever make this right… (bolding for the people that say Sam doesn’t own up to his mistakes, even if he makes them unknowingly).

Dean (angrily): So why do you keep bringing it up?!  Sam keeps quiet and Dean continues, “Look, all I'm saying is, why do we have to put this under a microscope? We made a mess. We clean it up. That's it.”

Ha ha, if only that were true.  Let me just stop you there, Dean and quote your own words, Season 8, episode 23: “All right. Well, I’m just spit-balling here, but if I were you, uh…Ruby, killing Lilith, letting Lucifer out, losing your soul (don’t get me started on this one either ffs or these recaps will turn into war and peace), not looking for me when I went to Purgatory…”

While I’m still not so quietly seething, they talk about what they would do if it was any other hunt and decide they need to find Lucifer.

Cut to our first view of Mark Pellegrino as pre-Lucifer, Nick.  I liked Season 5 Lucifer (both Mark and Jared’s versions) so I liked all of these scenes the first watch.  I like Hallucifer in Season 7.  I like a couple of scenes after that; e.g. Sam in the cage with Lucifer in season 11 and Sam again with Lucifer in the cave in Season 13, but other than that, I’m done with Nick/Lucifer and his storyline (plus all the angels). Anyway, to rudely cut Nick’s scene short, his dead wife appears in his bed and says: “It's you, Nick. You're special. You're chosen.” 

Oh, I forgot superfan psycho!Becky (online username samlicker81, webmistress of morethanbrothers dot net) was in this one.  Enough said about her the better. I do like her room has a poster of Route 666 and The Benders.  The first was Kripke’s least favourite episode, and since the Benders was in no way a clunker episode, I’m going to presume it’s one of his favourites.   Becky is writing wincest: "And then Sam touched…No…caressed Dean's clavicle. 'This is wrong,' said Dean. 'Then I don't want to be right,' replied Sam, in a husky voice."  I’d have to nope out of that fic, or swap the names around, if only because Sam doesn’t have a husky voice, Dean does.  Anyway, Chuck calls Becky, asking for her help to get a message to Sam and Dean.

Back at the hotel, Sam’s at the table reading John’s journal and Dean is watching TV.

Voice 1 on the television: How would you then explain an earthquake, a hurricane, and multiple tornadoes, all at the same time, all around the globe?

Voice 2: Two words. Carbon emissions.

Dean (to voice 2): Yeah, right, wavy gravy.

I love these little pieces the show put in.  Much better use of dialogue than pandering.

There’s a knock at the door, Dean readies his gun.  Sam answers to reveal it’s superfangirl Becky.  Becky turns out to be one of those fans that don’t respect boundaries as she touches Sam’s chest.  She says she knows he’s Sam Winchester  “and you’re…” Becky looks at Dean who is sitting on the bed watching “… not what I pictured.”  Becky invites herself into the room, telling them she’s read all about them and even written a few… Anyway, she tells them she has a message from Chuck but that he’s being watched by Angels, “Nice change-up to the mythology, by the way. The demon stuff was getting kind of old.”

Oh Becky, Becky, Becky.  Season 14, and we’re still on the angel crap 10 years later, so stow 3 years of demons getting old bullshit. Weeps for what once was, angels would have finished end season 6, which Gamble tried to do, but no, we get 8 more seasons and counting.

They get the message out of Becky. Chuck had a vision: “The Michael sword is on earth. The angels lost it.”  and it’s “In a castle, on a hill made of forty-two dogs.”  Did Castiel send this message?  It’s got his cryptic fingers all over it.  She touches Sam’s chest again. 

Jealous!Dean alert!

Omega!Sam glances nervously over at his Alpha before asking Becky to quit touching him (in retrospect, I think that was just the fan fic version of this episode). Becky does not respect Sam’s wishes.

Bobby arrives at the motel and Dean checks to make sure he wasn’t followed.  They don’t check him for demon signs and vice versa because they all have anti possession tattoos or charms (this bit’s important in a minute).  But Dean does check to make sure Bobby wasn’t followed:

Bobby: You mean by angels, demons, or Sam's new superfan?

Sam (laughing): You heard.

Bobby: I heard, Romeo…

Bobby explains about Michael who used the sword to “boot Lucifer’s ass to the basement” during the last big dust up upstairs. (because over the last couple of seasons, Sam’s forgotten how to do research on his own).  They ask the wise one how they find the sword. Bobby responds.  “Divvy up and start reading—try and make sense of Chuck's nonsense.”  Well thank goodness Bobby’s here! .

Sam gets up and goes to get a book.  He looks troubled.   Bobby asks if he’s all right.  Sam says no, that this is all his fault.  Dean tries to warn him to stop, but Sam keeps going; says that Lilith didn’t break the final seal, that she was the final seal and that Sam killed her and set Lucifer free (entirely on his own, because Dean did not break the foundation stone that allowed the others to fall and 64 other seals just magically put their hands up in surrender and keeled over without any intervention).  But it’s okay for Dean to be tricked by Hell into doing something, but not Sam.  Okay show.

Bobby has forgotten the entirety of season 4 was to stop the seals being broken and that everyone was fully on board with the plan to kill Lilith and stop the final seal being broken as he asks, “you what”

Sam: You guys warned me about Ruby, the demon blood, but I didn't listen. I brought this on.

Bolding this line for the people that say Sam doesn’t take responsibility for his actions, which he’s done twice now in this single episode.  Shame no one else is stepping forward and putting their hands up.  Also bolding, because they warned Sam about Ruby and the demon blood, but not that killing Lilith was the final seal, because none of them knew that, so how Lilith was killed and who did it is 100% irrelevant, when they all thought killing her would stop the apocalypse, not start it.

Dean says nothing throughout this next piece, watching as Bobby stands up and walks closer. I want to say this scene is set up brilliantly. Both Dean and Bobby are on a raised platform, looking down on Sam as if in judgement.  Kudos, because that’s exactly what’s happening here.  Bobby: “You're damn right you didn't listen. You were reckless and selfish and arrogant.  Sam says he’s sorry.  And Bobby responds: “Oh, yeah? You're sorry you started Armageddon? This kind of thing don't get forgiven, boy. If, by some miracle, we pull this off...I want you to lose my number. You understand me?”

Sam just nods, he’s not expecting Bobby’s response to be anything different, and that just breaks my heart. Sam suggests he go to a Church nearby and see what they have on the lore.  Bobby: Yeah. You do that.

We see a shot of Sam walking outside and I’m on the point of tears.  And if we question why the narrative is written this way, it’s because of Jared Padalecki’s face all the way through this episode.  The writers don’t hate Sam, they just love kicking him, so we get moments like this.  And dammit, because I do love these scenes we get, even though I hate the narrative that’s giving me them.

Bobby and Dean are doing research.  Bobby says he’d never have guessed that John was right about either saving Sam or killing him.  That maybe they should’t have tried to hard to save him.  “He ended the world, Dean.  And you and I weren’t strong enough to stop him proper.  That’s on us. I’m just saying, your dad was right.”  

I glare at Bobby and remind him he was in 7 episodes last season, not a single one of which did he try and “save” Sam.  In fact, he was pushing to use Sam’s powers in 4.21.

Instead of this triggering a punch to the face, or even a protest from Dean, it triggers him to remember something in his dad’s journal.  He searches through his bag and pulls out a zip lock bag which contains business cards.  The one he’s looking for is to their dad’s lockup in upstate New York which is called “Castle Storage”, located at “42 Rover Hill." The cryptic message is solved and that’s good enough for Bobby who punches Dean, knocking him through the fence on the raised platform. Bobby advances and attacks again.  We see Bobby’s eyes go black.  And I’m really hoping the show will explain this as Bobby has anti possession protection. (Warning, the show does not explain this).

Two demons enter the room while Bobby grabs Dean by the throat and drags him to his feet. The female demon seems to be the one in charge and does all the talking.  Long story short, it’s Meg (Dean incorrectly guessed Ruby before she gave him another try).   I wasn’t sure about Rachel’s version of Meg at first, it was difficult shoes to fill, but she grew on me.  Meg is delighted the apocalypse has started, and for the third time this episode we get Sam single handedly starting the apocalypse: “We really owe your brother a fruit basket.”   Dean on the other hand, is a bump in the road to them getting their demon utopia of hell on earth and every demon is going to be gunning for a piece of him.

Dean (smirking): Get in line.

Meg: Oh, I'm in the front of the line, baby. Let's ride.

Instead of getting her hands dirty though, she hands the knife to Demon!Bobby saying she wants Dean’s surrogate daddy to be the one to kill him.  Bobby attacks and we see him struggle, but his eyes turn black. He raises the knife.  Dean: “Bobby! No!”  The black fades from Bobby’s eyes, the knife comes down, and Bobby flashes that orange colour to signify the demon inside dying.  Bobby has stabbed himself rather than Dean and what a sacrifice.  Really sad to see Bobby go.

Dean is pissed that his retconned surrogate daddy has been killed and punches Meg.  The other demon attacks him, but luckily, Sam’s decided to come back for more judgement and sees the situation.  He goes to help and gets slammed in the face with a telephone, knocking him back against the wall.  And this really isn’t Sam’s day.  

Meg: Heya, Sammy. You miss me? 'Cause I sure missed you.

Sam: Meg

At least Sam knows his demons.  And Meg’s happy to be recognised.  Sam swings and it’s clear Meg needs to get the upper hand for plot reasons as he completely misses. (this should really go under dumb Winchesters because Sam has an uppercut that would have lifted demon!meg off her feet, but I’ll assume it’s because he has slight concussion from 2 blows to the head and let it slide).  Meg takes full advantage of the plot, punching Sam a couple of times, kicking him in the boy bits and knocking him to the ground.  I’m presuming this is all so we can get our “Sam lying helpless on the floor with the demon pulling his hair” kink filled.  And damn the show for knowing me so well (quietly sends show a fruit basket).  “It's not so easy without those super-special demon powers, huh, Sammy?”  Meg taunts. Both boys are getting trounced here, but finally it’s time for Dean to get the upper hand and start showing the 20+ years of training he’s had up to this point.  He takes the legs out from under his demon, takes the knife out of Bobby and stabs the demon.  Orange flashing indicates the demon (and the human he’s hitched a ride with) are dead.  Dean stands and advances on Meg who backs away then smokes out of there.

Back to Nick. Upshot of his scene is that his baby died.  This was sad at the time, and now I don’t really care.

Sam and Dean are at the emergency room, helping Bobby who… well let’s just say he’s a lot less dead than I was expecting.  Back the fuck up for the third time this recap.  Checks back to 4.04 (Metamorphosis):

SAM: I'm pulling demons out of innocent people. DEAN: Use the knife! SAM: The knife kills the victim! What I do, most of them survive! Look, I've saved more people in the last five months than we save in a year.

I really hope this gets explained. (Note, it doesn’t seem to get explained this episode, so it now negates Sam using his demon powers instead of the knife, if all they have to do is stab someone in the gut to kill the demon, but not the host). Bobby’s put on a gurney, Sam and Dean try to follow, but Judgy McJudgerson nurse says to not move, she’s got questions (she totally suspects them of being the stabbers).  Sam looks distressed (he’s possibly already worried the narrative of the next episode will be blaming him for Bobby getting possessed and stabbing himself).  Dean says. “Sammy, we got to go.”  Sam doesn’t want to go, but Dean tells him the demons know where the sword is and they’ve got to get it before the demons.

They arrive at the storage locker, but when they get inside, the demons are already dead. They look around confused.

Zach: I see you told the demons where the sword is.  

Me (at the TV): Oh great, the angels are here.

Dean: Oh, thank god. The angels are here.

Fine, Dean said it better.

Zach TK’s the doors closed.  Long scene short, the angels planted the prophesy inside Chuck’s head.  They had lost the sword but the Winchester’s just hand-delivered it to them.  Dean is confused saying they don’t have anything.  Zach tells Dean that he’s the Michael sword and gets quite nasty about it: “What, you thought you could actually kill Lucifer? You simpering wad of insecurity and self-loathing? No. You're just a human, Dean. And not much of one.”

Dean asks what Zach means by him being a sword.  Zach explains he’s Michael’s weapon or more accurately, his receptacle.  Dean realises what this means. “I’m a vessel?” Not just a vessel Dean, but the vessel; Michael’s vessel which Zach says is a great honour.  Dean begs to differ:

Dean: Oh, yeah. Yeah, life as an angel condom. That's real fun. I think I'll pass, thanks.

Uriel – being the funniest angel in the garrison - might have found that line funny. Zach has a lot less humour.   “Always joking. Well...no more jokes.”   He raises his hand, fingers like a gun pointing at Dean, then he switches over to Sam. Bang. A bone cracks and Sam collapses.

Dean (angrily): You son of a bitch!

Zach’s completely done with screwing around though and if Dean keeps mouthing off, he’ll break more than just Sam’s legs.  Dean figures out though that Michael will need his say so to ride around in his skin and gives his answer “Eat me.  The answer’s no.”

Zach tries a carrot, “Okay. How about this? Your friend Bobby—we know he's gravely injured. Say yes, and we'll heal him.” Quickly followed by the stick, “Say no, he'll never walk again.”

Dean says no, even when Zach gives him stage four stomach cancer and he’s coughing up blood. Zach hasn’t got to head honcho for no reason though and goes straight back to Dean’s biggest weakness: “Then let's get really creative. Uh, let's see how...Sam does without his lungs.”  Dean turns to look at SAM, who gasps for breath.  Dean says to just kill them, but Zach is only just getting started.

A bright light flashes, Zach turns and one of the angel’s has a hole in his throat. It’s Castiel (season 5 me: yay Castiel survived!  Season 14 me: oh my god, you’re like a cockroach!).  Zach obviously isn’t a fighter because he just watches as Castiel and the remaining angel fight.  And this must be an episode where Castiel has to look good, because he’s killing these fight scenes.  A second angel dies.  Zach’s too important to the plot to die right now so Castiel and he have a conversation (meanwhile no one worry about Sammy not breathing or anything, I’m sure he’s fine).

Zach asks “how are you…” but get’s no further before Castiel answers: “Alive? That's a good question. How did these two end up on that airplane? Another good question. 'Cause the angels didn't do it. I think we both know the answer, don't we?.  Zach says it’s not possible.  Castiel: “It scares you. Well, it should. Now, put these boys back together and go. I won't ask twice.”

Zach vanishes and Castiel admonishes Sam and Dean, telling them they need to be more careful. Dean says “Yeah, I'm starting to get that. Your frat brothers are bigger dicks than I thought.”

Castiel says he doesn’t mean the angels.  “Lucifer is circling his vessel (he looks at Sam). “And once he takes it, those hex bags won't be enough to protect you.”  Without warning he puts one hand on Dean’s chest, the other on Sam’s. They wince in pain and when they ask what he did, he says he carved an enochian sigil into their ribs which will hide them from every angel, including Lucifer.  

Sam asks if Cass was really dead and he responds yes.  Dean asks how he’s back.  But Castiel doesn’t answer.  He vanishes with a dramatic flap of wings, leaving Sam and Dean alone.  FFS Castiel, I thought we were done with this cryptic bullshit and flouncing off when you defected last season.

Back to Nick.  His dead wife is back though she tells him she’s Lucifer. He tells Nick he’s special.  There's very, very few people like you (true, until later seasons). Long scene short, Nick says yes to being Lucifer’s vessel.

Back to the hospital, Bobby who shouldn’t even be breathing, let alone speaking, is heard yelling from behind his closed hospital room door about being unlikely to walk again.  The door opens and a doctor runs out.  We see Sam and Dean leaning against the window.  Bobby’s in the bed, still yelling after the doctor “…Yeah, you better run!”  

Sam asks what they should do now.  Bobby says save as many as they can, but whoever wins, they’re boned.  Dean left fields with “What if we win?”   Bobby and Sam stare at him as Dean continues that he’s serious.  Screw them all.  "Hell, they want to fight a war, they can find their own planet. This one's ours, and I say they get the hell off it. We take 'em all on. We kill the devil. Hell, we even kill Michael if we have to. But we do it our own damn selves.”  Bobby questions how they are supposed to do that.  Dean responds: “I got no idea. But what I do have is a GED and a give-'em-hell attitude, and I'll figure it out.”

Bobby looks at Sam who shrugs in response.  Dean pats Bobby on the shoulder and tells him to get better then heads for the door, Sam noticeably doesn’t go to Bobby, he follows Dean.  Bobby calls Sam and he stops. Bobby tells him, “I was awake. I know what I said back there. I just want you to know that...that was the demon talking. I ain't cutting you out, boy. Not ever.”

If only the episode had ended there, but no.  We see Dean and Sam walking across the parking lot. Sam’s enthusiastic after Dean’s rousing speech and suggests that maybe they go after the colt.  Dean asks what difference that would make.  

Sam: Well, we could use it on Lucifer. I mean, you just said back there—

Dean: I just said a bunch of crap for Bobby's benefit.  He stops and Sam also stops and looks at Dean as he continues, “I mean (laughs), I'll fight. I'll fight till the last man, but let's at least be honest. I mean, we don't stand a snowball's chance, and you know that. I mean, hell, you of all people know that.”  Dean walks around Sam to get past him.

Sam (heavy sigh):  Is there something you want to say to me?

Dean looks at Sam for a long moment: “I tried, Sammy. I mean, I really tried... 

Quickly looks to see where in the episode Dean “really tried”, but comes up with a bunch of emptiness.  [I need to remind people, I love Dean, I hate the narrative, in the same way in season 8, I’ll be saying I love Sam, I hate the narrative].

“...But I just can't keep pretending that everything's all right. Because it's not. And it's never going to be. You chose a demon over your own brother— (Sam rolls his eyes, as do I) —and look what happened.

Sam: I would give anything—anything—to take it all back.

Dean: I know you would. And I know how sorry you are. I do. But, man...you were the one that I depended on the most. And you let me down in ways that I can't even... Dean pauses, struggling for words:. I'm just—I'm having a hard time forgiving and forgetting here. You know?

Sam asks what he can do.  And Dean says nothing.  That doesn’t surprise Sam. Dean continues: “I just don't...I don't think that we can ever be what we were. You know?” Again, Sam’s just nodding in agreement.  Dean: “I just don't think I can trust you. Sam looks up and we see that he wasn’t expecting this. Not sure why, as this was the whole problem of Season 4.  

The episode ends with Dean in baby and Sam standing in the parking lot.  

Up next, more heartache and brother angst in Good God y’all. 

[elenahowl]

The Story of Juho the Jahoo

Story time.  Strap in.  This is long.  

Here’s the story of Juho.  If you don’t speak Finnish, you should know that the J sound in Finnish is actually a Y sound like at the beginning of yellow.  So read the above as “You-ho the Yahoo”.  He is indeed a ho.  And he’s a yahoo.  And I don’t like him.  

I want you to picture the craziest fan you have ever known in your life.  Think of that person who’s obsessed with a celebrity so hard that you think they need help.  You know at least one of them.  Maybe you are that person.  Well, you are not as crazy as Juho.  

I met Juho at the anniversary of the opening of the Riff, a bar in Helsinki owned by the drummer for the 69 Eyes.  This was in late May, 2016.  I ended up talking to him because he was wearing a HIM shirt and I was wearing a HIM necklace and we just got chatting.  He was kinda cute.  Obviously he was trying to look like Ville Valo.  He has the 90s Ville hair and jacket going on and I think that’s cool.  Doesn’t really look much like Ville, which is probably exactly why I was attracted to him, but he pulls off the look well.  Whatever.  I’m actually kind of turned off by people who aren’t their own person.  If they’re twinning too hard with a celeb it’s a turn off.  

So I do kind of make a move on this guy because he’s attractive and friendly and he’s like “You’re cute and I’m flattered, but I have a girlfriend.”  I’m like okay, and I leave it at that.  I go about my way.  

Later in the evening, he approaches me.  Drags me over to meet his girlfriend.  I’m super drunk and I think I actually flirt with his girlfriend at some point, which obviously does not warm me to her.  Awkward.  Whatever, that’s not really an important part of the story.  Eventually she goes home.  Note that Sandra Mittica, Ville Valo’s infamous ex girlfriend, is there at the party and she and Juho know each other and I’m pretty sure that she knows Juho is absolutely bonkers, but I’m getting ahead of myself.  

So I’m there, Juho is talking to Sandra, I’m talking to these other two random guys from Turku and Rovaniemi, just two random guys having a conversation.  Juho comes over, literally pulls me out of the conversation I’m having, and pulls me to the back room.  I’m following all this because there’s something about Juho that’s interesting.  I don’t know what at this point, but it’s interesting, and I want to know what’s up in his head.  I end up in the back room.  Most of the conversation is in Finnish, Sandra’s there, Juho’s there.  Juho is making eyes at me.  I’m uncomfortable because 1, there’s a guy who has a girlfriend making his move on me and I don’t want to make the enemy of half of Helsinki (if you make one female enemy in Helsinki, you make a million female enemies in Helsinki; news travels fast), and 2, I’m in the room with the ex girlfriend of Ville Valo, a person whose name I have never heard said with reverence (Sandra’s, I mean, not Ville’s).  

I spoke briefly to Sandra.  She didn’t know clearly what was going on, but she could tell that there was something up between Juho and me.  She called me out on flirting with Juho.  I was actually low-key annoyed at Juho at this point because he was expecting me to follow him, telling me to be quiet, and just not being very pleasant.  Also, I’m not a passive person, as he’d learn about a month later…  

I’ll note that Sandra was not unpleasant.  in the Ville Valo fandom she gets a bad rep, yeah, but she wasn’t bad.  I didn’t speak with her long enough to get a sense of her actual personality, but she didn’t seem awful at least.  I’d tucked my Heartagram necklace into my shirt when I’d realized she was around, so she didn’t see that, but she saw my HIM wallet for sure and could tell I was a fan.  She wasn’t a monster to me, a HIM fan.  

The bar closes, Sandra says her goodbyes to Juho (they’re friends apparently?), and everyone tips out of there.  Juho beckons me out.  I follow because, well, we all have to get out anyway.  He offers me a cigarette.  This was before I became any kind of social smoker, so I said no.  He asked “Want to go back to my place?”  I said no.  No explanation.  All I said was “No.”  I walked away.  I thought I’d never see him again, I’d never find out what about him gave me a weird “you’re interesting” vibe.  

I went back to the bar a few days later.  Talked the the bartender.  He knows Juho pretty well.  I was kind of bitching over Juho and the bartender was defending him.  But it kind of felt like if the March Hare was defending the Mad Hatter, you know?  Two different crazies insisting the other isn’t crazy and that everyone’s fine and nothing is wrong. 

Soon after that, I leave Helsinki to go up north.  I come back at the end of June for a week.  So on June 29th I’m in the Riff late.  Really late.  I’d been out with a friend earlier and she’d went home, but I’d stuck around to drink and write and just enjoy being in Helsinki, my favorite place on earth. Chris Kael from from Five Finger Death Punch was hanging out there, so I got to meet him and talk to him, which was pretty cool.  

Around 2AM, Juho walks in.  I’m just like “…”

He sees me.  He recognizes me.  Says hello, all smiles.  Girlfriend is nowhere in sight.  He’s talking to some friends for a while while I’m talking to Chris.  At some point, Juho comes over and invites me out for a cigarette.  I accept.  

We sit outside talking.  He’s still attractive.  I have very little respect for him at this point, but I’m still intrigued by him somehow.  He tells me he’s having a problem with his girlfriend because he drinks so much and she doesn’t like that.  So he’s here at the Riff drinking more and talking with a girl he was hitting on in front of her a month ago?  Because logic.  

We get talking about Ville, about Sandra, about Ville’s dad.  About how both he and I are in weird positions where we’re fans of Ville but we’ve never met him and we’re just friends with people who are close to him.  We relate to each other like that.  

We go back in, do shots, and then he invites me home.  This time I say yes.  I wasn’t drunk enough that I was worried, and he was drunk and un-muscled enough that I could definitely fight him off, so I say why the fuck not.  I have no intention of sleeping with him, and I tell him that.  I also tell him that I would have gone home with him when we met if he hadn’t had a girlfriend.  Everything’s going fine…  Until we get to his apartment.  

Remember how I said to picture the craziest fan you can think of?  Allow me to introduce you to Juho.  I get into his apartment.  Previously, I’d only seen the fact that he tries to look like Ville a bit, wears HIM shirts, wears HIM jewelry, and has Ville as his phone background.  His apartment is a crazy person’s shrine to Ville.  No pictures of family or anything on the walls, only pictures of Ville.  His computer background is Ville.  His sheets are heartagram sheets, which I didn’t even know existed.  The first thing he did when we got in was put on HIM and a HIM concert video.  He starts showing off all his HIM merch.  Heartagram shirts, a backpack, a hat, a zillion beanies, a fucking pair of underwear hanging off a chair...   

Like, this is a fucking room full of crazy.  

So the total tally is: He tries to look like Ville.  He tries to act and sound like Ville.  He pulled a couple of “pickup lines” on me that were Ville quotes (which I called him out on because I’m not letting someone get away with bullshit), so he tries to talk like Ville.  He dresses like Ville. His room’s a shrine to Ville.  He listens to nothing but Ville.  He watches nothing but Ville.  He talks about nothing but himself and Ville.  All his technology is Ville-themed.  He has some of the same friends as Ville.  He smokes because Ville.  He’s a fucking alcoholic because of Ville.  He’s vegan because of Ville.  

He has no personality outside of Ville.  And it’s kind of creepy.  

He thinks he’s gonna sleep with me because he thinks he looks like Ville.  I’m just like no, dude, you have a girlfriend.  I actually have to push him off of me a couple of times, but I can’t really go anywhere because the busses had stopped by then and it was going to be another three hours before I could get home.  

We talk.  He says outright that he respects me more for not sleeping with him, for listening to him.  He tries to feed me vegan pasta, which would be good, except he can’t cook worth shit.  The kitchen is full of beer bottles.  It’s beyond bachelor pad.  It’s a cry for help.  He’s a mess because he has no identity outside of Ville.  

At 3:30AM his girlfriend calls.  I keep quiet.  His girlfriend decides she wants to come over NOW to talk shit out, so both me and Juho are like “shit.”  He sneaks me out really quickly and I’m like “You owe me one, man.”  He’s damn lucky I didn’t tell his girlfriend that he’s a cheater because I’d wanted to a month ago and still hadn’t.  He is low-key on my shit list at this point.  I make it out of the apartment and have to hide behind a trash bin on my way down the street so his girlfriend didn’t see me while she walks up the other side.  

I think hiding behind a trash bin at 3:40 in the morning in Helsinki is probably one of the lowest points in my life.  If you could put a soundtrack to that moment, it would be the James Bond theme song, but, like, played by a third-grader on a kazoo.  

I finally get home at 6:30AM.  I message him the next day to call him out on his shit and stuff.  He blocks me on messenger.  I’m pissed.  

I end up at the Riff again the next night.  I absolutely did not go because I was looking for him.  In fact, I was almost furious when I saw him there.  But the look he gives me… Oh I still feel powerful to this day from that look.  Fear.  Pure fear.  He’s afraid of me.  I corner him eventually.  He’s afraid and stuttering his words and all that.  I tell him to unblock me.  I tell him he needs to tell his girlfriend what’s going on.  He nods and stutters more and leaves to go to the Tuska festival pre-party with some friends.  He never does what I told him to do.  

I haven’t seen him since.  We’re still connected on facebook and such.  I see his updates and he’s still with his girlfriend.  He’s still a drunk ho.  He’s still a Ville-obsessed mess.  And he’s still on my shit list.  When I get back to Helsinki, he’s gonna have hell to pay.  

So if you ever feel like the crazy fan, think of Juho.  Next time you want to go to a celebrity’s house, think of Juho.  Always remember, never try to buy a personality at a rock merch shop.  Or you will end up like Juho.  Don’t end up like Juho.