#you're lying you're so selfish and only think about yourself when im the one hurting' like shut up if you're taking a break then why cant i

[ff2-soda-pop]

so i think theres stuff in my EYE and my mom wouldnt let me stop for all of five seconds to go try and rinse it out

[nnseriku]

𝗔𝗖𝗖𝗘𝗣𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗖𝗘 // [ⁿᵃⁿᵃˢᵉ ʳⁱᵏᵘ]

𝗦𝘂𝗺𝗺𝗮𝗿𝘆 : ᵒʰ ʰᵒʷ ʰᵉ ʷⁱˢʰᵉˢ ᵗᵒ ᵇᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵒⁿᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃˡʷᵃʸˢ ᵗʰⁱⁿᵏ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ.

𝘗𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘜𝘴𝘦𝘥 ! [ʸᵒᵘ/ʸᵒᵘʳ/ʸᵒᵘ'ʳᵉ]

𝗡𝗼𝘁𝗲𝘀 : ⁱ ᶜᵃⁿ'ᵗ ᵗʰⁱⁿᵏ ᵒᶠ ᵃ ᵖʳᵒᵐᵖᵗ ᵇᵘᵗ ⁱ'ᵐ ᵗʰⁱⁿᵏⁱⁿᵍ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ˢᵒᵐᵉᵗʰⁱⁿᵍ ᵃⁿᵍˢᵗʸ ˢᵒ:] ʰᵒᵖᵉᶠᵘˡˡʸ ʸᵒᵘ ᵍᵘʸˢ ʷⁱˡˡ ˡⁱᵏᵉ ⁱᵗ ᵃˢ ᵐᵘᶜʰ ᵃˢ ⁱ ᵈᵒ! ᵗʰᵉ ʳᵉᵃᵈᵉʳ'ˢ ᵍᵉⁿᵈᵉʳ ⁱˢ ⁿᵒᵗ ᵐᵉⁿᵗⁱᵒⁿᵉᵈ! [ⁿᵃᵐᵉ] ʰᵉʳᵉ ⁱˢ ᵏⁱⁿᵈ ᵒᶠ ᵃⁿ ᵃˢˢʰᵒˡᵉ ^^;

The cold breeze brushes against you two as you guys take a walk at the park under the bright moon.

Riku's the one who's doing the talking while you listen and respond here and there with hums. usually it'd be mostly you talking but that has changed a couple of days ago.

no matter how close you guys were together physically, you've been so distant with him. your mind was running elsewhere while your warmth was just right next to his.

he notices this and tried ignore it. he doesn't wanna accept the truth. Riku knows it's selfish of him but sometimes to survive this cruel world, you'll have to put yourself first in some situations.

it's so out of character for him and he knows it too but this will probably be the only chance he gets. he'd be lying if it doesn't make him concern or sad. no, he'd always think about how you're acting.

Riku's first thought would've been because he did something wrong if it weren't for the fact that he knows what's bothering you.

you guys' relationship started right after your break up with Tenn. it started with him comforting you and it ended with his lips on yours. from then, you guys started getting more closer.

he has always like you. he had feelings for you way before you dated Tenn. so now that he got to be in this relationship with you, he can't help but be a little selfish.

but he also knows he can't hold you back forever.

Riku's steps halted to a stop, his head drops to stare at the pavement below him in sadness. you were suddenly cut off from your thoughts when you realize he stopped walking.

“Riku?” you called out to him in confusion. “are you okay..?” you tilt your head but didn't bother closing in the distant between you two even though you were just at least 4 feet away.

“[name].. you'll be honest with me right?” the male started, earning a hum from you. “am I holding you back from anything?” his voice meekly said in concern.

your face turned into a saddened one in realization. “i'm sorry..” you look down in disappointment. how could you be thinking about someone else when he's right in front of you?

“it's okay. i've always expected it will happen anyway” he looked up to your figure with a sad smile. “was i lacking anything..?” Riku asked, his eyes not leaving you while you avoid his gaze.

“no, it's my fault. you've been more than enough but i just.. can't get over him” you answered honestly and it left a thick silence between you two.

you fake coughed, getting his attention again. “listen, Riku.. i don't want to hurt you anymore because im sure this thought of mine will continue so. we should end it here..”

his breath hitches, it felt like his heart stopped in a moment. his lips pursed before a disappointed smile etched on his lips. Riku nodded slowly, his gaze falling down to the grown before he hummed.

“im truly sorry, Riku” you sigh before walking pass him to go back home.

tears build in his eyes so quick he couldn't even hold them back as he purse his lips. the tears rushes and glides down his cheek as he tried to wipe them away. “ill never be the one in your eyes..”

[luveline]

hello miss j!!! i hope you're doing fine! ilysm

can i please request sunshine x grumpy trope with sirius? but like the reader is the grumpy one?! maybe like they're at a party and she's so annoyed by the people around? def not self indulgent eheheh

only if you feel like it tho, no pressure baby <3333

hi miss h ily im good and i hope you are too! sorry this took so bloody long and tysm for ur request, it was lovely 🥺 sunshine sirius is <3 SLIGHT NSFW FOR SUGGESTION NOT GRAPHIC

You try your best - you do. You don't want to be unsociable, or unkind, or frosty, but everyone is so loud. You're getting bumped, and jostled and wedged against side tables. Your legs are a dark monet of bruises and sore spots, battered in by people's pushing and clumsy footing, and you just want to scream. 

Some poor unsuspecting boy steps on your foot and you can't help yourself. "Watch where you're going, you fucking cu-" 

Warm, long arms under your armpits. Fingers pressed to your chest haphazardly. Sirius pulls you backwards and away from your victim, gentle but absolute. You let yourself be dragged, going limp in his arms to piss him off. 

It doesn't work, obviously, because something about this boy lives to be your opposite - he's always, always smiling when he's around you. It's admirable and infuriating. 

When you're out of the way of partygoers he rights you, giving you a quick squeeze from behind, face hooked over your shoulder. You shrug out of his arms and turn to him, still mildly annoyed. 

"I'm not a doll. You can't just pull me around wherever you want, idiot." 

"Baby, you were about to make a young man cry. What's the matter?" he asks. 

You like him for a thousand reasons, but this is one of the best ones. He doesn't think you're a bitch despite the insistence of almost everyone who knows you, doesn't think you're mean. And you're not. You're just at a predisposition for anger - a propensity to react. You can't help being a little sour, and Sirius never gives you shit for it.

"I's so loud," you grumble, frowning deeply. "And people keep stepping on me. Like I'm invisible." 

"Yeah? Your legs hurt?" he asks. 

You nod reluctantly. His sunshine smile puckers almost imperceptibly and his eyebrows furrow. 

"It's a little quieter in the kitchen. Wanna go in there?" 

He's lying. It is not quieter in the kitchen, but you do find yourself less overwhelmed as he sequesters you from harm, his body a barrier between you and the hubbub. The kitchen counter behind you presses into your back and you whine to yourself. 

"Here," Sirius says, hands out. "Jump up. Can't get stepped on up there." 

He helps you climb up on the counter and you feel like you can finally breathe. He sidles in close, one hand on your thigh, his heat sinking in through your stiff trousers. The other pushes behind your shoulder blades, body to body in a half hug. 

You let your head flop onto his shoulder. "I don't want to be here, Sirius." 

It's selfish to say when you know how much he enjoys himself here, but it's true. 

"How come?" he asks, without a hint of annoyance.  

"I don't- I'm not meant for stuff like this." 

"How can you say that? You're the prettiest person here, for starters, and-"

"Second prettiest." 

"What?" 

You can't say it, can't ruin all your cool girl rep by telling him how pretty he really is, but you think he gets it. His face goes bright, eyes wide and shining, smile a beatific beam. It's contagious and you smile for a second before doubling down into annoyance, embarrassed with yourself. 

"You're not right." His denial is hard to take any notice of when he's grinning like a fool, head dipping down to be a half inch from your own. He talks in a murmur, "You're much, much prettier than me. You're gorgeous." 

The way he says it, gorgeous, like it's less of a compliment and more of a name, like it's your name, made of something warm and melting. You get goosebumps, a wave of chills from your face to your spine to your toes. Worse, you feel your fondness for him burning hot in your mouth and worry it's going to spill out; you dig your face into his shoulder to prevent this, lips crushed to his jacket. 

"If you really don't like it, we could leave," he says. 

"No," you say, and then louder when you remember how loud it is in here, "no, Siri," and that's a double whammy - his fingers tighten around you, his lips push into your hair, "you're having a good time. Let's stay. I'm being a negative Nancy." 

He laughs like this is the funniest thing you could've said and his hand scrubs up your quickly relaxing back. "Babe, if you're not having fun then I'm not. And you're not a negative Nancy, dummy. The way you react to certain-" he fumbles here, picking his words with a care that further melts your heart, "stimuli, and the way you process your feelings, it's all fine. You're allowed to not meet everything with a smile, you know?" 

"I know, I just… you're always so happy. And I'm not. I feel awful, 'cos I should be happy." When I'm with you. 'Cos you're the best thing to ever happen to me. 

"I'm not offended, if that's what you're worried about." 

You feel an extreme irritation then, with yourself and this stupid fucking party. 

"I like you exactly how you are," he says, lips brushing your forehead. You look at him through your lashes, see his lopsided smile, the quirk of his lips a comfort in their familiarity. 

"I like you more when you're not so soppy," you tell him. 

He barks a laugh. "Not what I gathered last night," he murmurs, pulling back. It's a good thing he does. You scowl and pull your head off of his shoulder, abashed at the mention of what might've been the gooeyist, most awful heart melting sex of your life. 

"Oh, you're so fucking quick to use that one against me. I'm never fucking you again," you lie. "I'm celibate." 

"Don't be like that."

"No more niceness for you. I'm gonna be a total bitch." He hates that word because you hate that word and goes to interject, but you barrel over him. "You're such a dickhead, I swear." 

You can tell he's biting his cheek to stop from laughing. "How can I make it up to you, sweetness?" he asks, unperturbed. 

"Can we go home?" You drop as much of the attitude as you can, then, because you love him, and he's really quite lovely. You still sound sullen. 

He smiles like it's all he wants in the whole world. "Yes, please, princess," then, under his breath, "celibacy, huh? How long is that gonna last?" 

"Forever," you promise. 

"Well, best get some popcorn before we go. I'll havta give you quite a show - change your mind." 

[lunamsubmersi]

sometimes i think of all the people who have hurt me and i write to them. this is one of those posts. i could say to ignore it but i'm not your boss and i dont really care.

to ledah:

i'm sorry i told you i'd stay when i already knew i wanted to leave but you have to understand: you were right. you can't be saved. not because you're worthless or too far gone but because you refused to save yourself. you didn't want help. you wanted someone to burn with you. i wasn't going to be that person. you broke down so much of the work my therapist guided me through. i told you that i felt the only way to keep you happy was to isolate myself from everyone else and that wasn't a joke. you genuinely made me afraid to speak to anyone else because of your fits. all those talks of me being better off without you were sickening because you knew damn well you used to get rid of most forms of contact after talking about dying when they were still with us. and you knew it scared me. but you were right about that too. you were right about a lot of things. i am better off without you. and i did like ace more. because ace never makes me afraid of living outside of them. ace never freaks out at me for talking to other people a little too enthusiastically. ace never tells me im the only thing keeping them alive. no one does that actually. it was only you. so yeah. i am better off. and i hope to every god out there you never manage to drag someone that fucking low again. i hope there's never another charlotte or another me that has to suffer what you did to us.

to marcy:

you never hurt me but i feel like you deserve to know your brother isn't an honest person. i know you love him and i know there's little chance you'll believe me here but you need to know the truth. ledah always painted you as a villain. charlotte didn't do anything to bad mouth you ever. even when he ranted to us about how you were selfish and mean and lazy, charlotte didn't speak out against you. they would apologize for him having to deal with it. you have no idea how many times i heard ledah talk about how he cant wait for you to move out or how angry he would get when you didn't want to do something anymore. he made you a monster to us and then had us play nice with you. but i did like you. you were kind and funny and genuinely very sweet. even when you decided to cut ties with me, you were gentle about it. and i never blamed you. i just hope one day you see how he really is because i would hate to see you hurt.

to hajime and the two nagis:

you three were exhausting and tiring and mean. i cared for you all sincerely. i still do. but you weren't good friends. it was always obvious you three only valued each other and not me or ruby. all the constant talking ill of other people and aggressively strong opinions that you seemed to use to villify those who disagreed with you were tiring to sit through. i left for my own peace of mind. i know one of the nagis, the one closest to you haji, thought it was jealousy that fueled me at one point. and it wasnt. i didnt care if they didn't like me. i cared that they had the audacity to lie to me and then use my characters in a plotline without my consent on the matter. i cared about the broken trust and all the lying they did. i sincerely hope you three have changed in the time since then and learned to treat others better.

and to diana:

i know you'll never see this but you genuinely were like a twin sister to me. i adored you. i dont think you ever felt the same way though, despite that title being one you first started. sometimes i still think about that time in middle school at lunch when everything i was dealing with in silence got too much and i tried to hurt myself. and when you all finally talked me into stopping and i sat down to try and push it all back down, you told one of our other friends i was doing it for attention. you said that knowing you were speaking normally and in earshot of me. i dont know what you thought that would do. but it did make me regret listening to all of you. i havent seen you in years now. and funnily enough, out of all the memories we have together? that's the one i always remember first. that's the clearest. i hope you don't speak to or about your brother like that. i hope you learned to be better. i hope you think of that day and regret that sentence for years.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

My mom worked in a bar, a bartender, weekend nights as she went to school to be a nurse. My dad just wanted to be a musician. So I grew up in the bar.

That's my mom.

So I met Jesse in the bar. He taught me to play poker. I was extremely skilled at it. So i became a hot shot at age one. I would win bets all kinds. Who would think a kid in diapers could win at poker?

They didn't even know i potty trained myself and didn't piss nor shit in my diaper but panties were too small for me.

So i wore a diaper.

My dad was in the military, too. But someone told him he could go with them to get a music career started.

That is how he got kidnapped.

My mom went to look... Followed the same guy into the parking lot and got kidnapped.

She left me in the bar. The guy said my dad was outside all drunk and bottled up. "Oh I'll be right back"

So I tended bar for the rest of the night. Locked up when everyone left. Slept on the floor.

I looked for my mom but it was cold and the air felt strange. Danger like. Still and eerie. Bad.

So i went in, shut the door and locked it. Yelled "mom i locked it but you can come in" just in case she could hear. May be she was in a car talking to my dad. I yelled for 10 minutes. A couple men went to the door but i refused to open it. Cried myself to sleep in the floor. Scared for my parents.

It was two days before anyone noticed it was weird I was making margaritas and serving beer. One and a half year old tending bar. No one thought it was weird . i was a hot shot.

I told every one I couldn't find my mom. They didnt care. Just another beer.

It wasn't till Monday night that any one noticed and that's only cause that's when the new bartender showed up.

So i helped her that night. She was impressed. When i locked the door from the inside and got myself ready to sleep in the same place i cried myself to sleep in before...

The door opened and light spilled in, "mom?"

But it was the late night bartender, "oh you." She closed the door and locked it. "You can't stay here"

"I can. I been here since Friday. I can lock the door. Im safe. I can be, too"

"There's kidnappers outside"

"Yeah since Friday and they took my mom and I serve them beer and they don't pay. Just walk out. I should beat them up"

She took me to Miss Leena's house the next morning. We both slept in the bar floor. In front of the locked door.

"Miss Leena, i don't know what to do" she said.

Miss Leena kept me in the trailer park. Out of foster care. Let me go wherever whenever.

I never saw my parents again.

I saw George a few times. But he wasn't a man. Some monster. Some sick in the head creep. This thing with legs and arms and a head. No heart.

That's when I learned the difference between a me problem and a you problem. Even when it came to families, there was rarely an Us problem.

He's been eradicated. There was no hope of healing him and i being able to tolerate him if he did heal.

My Uncle wasn't the best father. I'll be curt. But thats because he knew I had a dad out there somewhere. But he was the best father i had. He never hit me or sexually abused me. He defended me. Stood up for me. Took care of me and supported me.

He is a real man.

Point is. One day you'll be almost two years old tending bar alone. Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

And no one will care. They will think it's neat.

And yeah it is. Its fun doing moms job. And doing it well.

But comes the point that you're an orphan. Locked in the bar with kidnappers outside, crying yourself to sleep on the floor, in front of the door. Hoping you may not be. An Orphan.

Wearing the same clothes. Same diaper. And keeping it so clean that by Monday the late late night bartender doesn't realize you've been in them 4 days.

That photo above was taken the night she disappeared. I was in the bathroom. There's one of me with her, the same night.

The last photo we took together. Before I took one next to her coffin. I was two then.

The person sitting on Jupiter killed and raped her. For no reason other than he was outlaw Jesse James. So he named himself. He was rich. His father a store owner down the street. Sold groceries. Got women's names and addresses off checks. The son Jesse did.

Self-entitled Jack ass.

For no reason im an orphan.

If they were in a car wreck or something that would be tragic and dangerous. But murdered so the criminal wouldn't get in trouble for rape. Kidnapped for ransom the military refused to pay.

Doesn't make sense to me.

They never even bothered to look for my father.

I did. But by the time I found him, he was no longer a man.

"Don't forget i raised you"

I was 3. Half my life i raised myself and more than half the life i had with him he was working.

"I don't even know you -- Do you -- are you saying you want to come home?"

"Not yet im working"

"You want to come home and be my dad?"

"No I've told you time and time again I'm working"

What piece of shit says that. I spent nearly 2 years looking for him to take him home. He was too busy mopping floors?

I saw him again 5 years later... Just gassing people. Anyone he could get in a room. Like a Nazi. Kids. Moms. Didn't matter.

So i sorted out the evil ones for about a year so he wasn't killing innocent people. But then he turned on me. And I left.

He was gonna end up killing me. I called the police. Had him arrested.

Spent 2 years in The penitentiary.

I was 9 when he got out. We moved the year before so he couldn't find me.

I killed Pablo Escobar the year after he got out.

He did have ways to find me, though. Steal my kids and freeze them and put them in car panels.

Never made sense why he would. Just crazy I guess.

He used to be a good man.

But after he did that to me. He had to been eradicated.

He couldn't see past his crazy to ser his own daughter. I can see going nuts and being afraid to leave. But then...

Why attack me? Take my kids.

There was no reason

He took my father away from me.

He had no right to take anything else.

I grew up with a photo of him in our house. I don't know if he was crazy then. Evil.

I know I am. Crazy. But there's a difference between caring and not.

Her name was Deborah Anne. I think she was lucky to die.

My dad became a herion addict. Shooting up with needles 19 pints a day of black tar herion. Which pints is a term like nickel. Dime or quartet in marijuana. It means full 5 cc needle one hour a day sleeping 5 hours a day.

5 mL of black tar herion 19 times a day.

That's 95 mL of herion.

3.212 ounces

A cup is 8 ounces so it's nearly a half cup and you know sometimes he did at least 3/4 of a cup.

Not around me... Because.. One time i told him "why don't you just get a bigger needle? I mean syringe? The tube part?"

"Get away from me. You're not smarter than me"

"Yeah well sure but you're doing it every 15 minutes"

And while pints is a term like nickel or dime... My dad really did 19 liquid pints of herion a day.

So when I was around I made him feel dumb, insecure and selfish. So he did less.

"Who is taking care of you?"

"I work. I have a job. I make more money than you"

"I make none. You could make a penny and its more than what I -- hey you think you could buy me herion off the street? I think it's better than what i got. Or maybe not im told it's pure. Never mind you're a kid. No buy me some. I said buy me some. I didn't mean to grab your arm"

"Like a mad man all crazy? Because you did"

"I didn't mean to. I said i didn't mean to!" Injecting his arm again

"Hey fill these up for me again. Do something useful"

"Talking to you ain't useful?"

"Not if you want me to go home it ain't. I'm the boss"

"Give me the syringe. How come if you're the boss you're only bossing me? Where's everyone else?"

"At work they know what to do"

I start laughing. And laughing. "There is no one! I sent them home! All is left is you!!"

"Then I'll start gassing. If they escape i have to gas who is left and they start over"

"You could just go home like they do"

"You mean escape? I'll start gassing"

"There is no one left but you. Come on I'll show you"

"Nope bring them to me. Ill start gassing the place up let them burn. I like that. Like im a Nazi"

"The who? I'm calling the police" i pick up the phone "911" i dial im not playing. He's fucking crazy. "My dad said he will start gassing. Hes all doped up and" my dad stopped shooting up to stare at me "you don't know what you're saying!!!" He stormed the floor and grabbed the phone and hung up

"Don't you call the police on me again. Im just doing my job"

"You're shooting up" i stood to get the phone

He snatched it "I said do not call the police on me again!" He stood over me not like a threat but as a threat

"I'm gonna puke"

"And she did. You know you ain't gotta say every nasty thing you gotta do to me. Now that's gonna stink. Dad let's go home every two goddam minutes." He snatched the trash can from me and i fell. "Oh my God it's the police! How did they get here so fast?!?! You didn't even give them the address. They're going to think I'm herion dealing. And it's just for me!"

"Dad they're the CIA they're here to help!"

"Oh my God i was in the military. They don't care. Now it's the CIA. They don't care"

"Dad i care. Please"

"You're just a kid"

"I work for the CIA"

"No you don't. You're just a lying." He leans down towards me and whispers "why don't they just Come in?" And he shoved me.

He hit me in the side of the head. Covered my mouth with his hand. I shoved him off. He pulled me by my hair.

"QUIT!!!! IM SO SICK OF YOUR SHIT!!!"

He acted like i beat him.

"I'm opening the door stay calm" i opened the door. "Arrest him. I think he broke my teeth"

I held my face and felt sad

"Sabrina, I've seen you be hurt worse than that. Are you sure you're okay?" Asked Matt Hagan's FBI grandpa.

"Its just my dad. It hurts more because emotionally. Im going to cry. I'll just lay my head on This desk and cry awhile"

Of course my dad was out the next week to gas people and kill them. Of course he was.