#yutro writes

[boyfridged]

in your fic “paint it over” is that how you imagine jason making it out of the explosion at the end of utrh? not exactly the events that follow, but the preferable characterization of bruce digging jay out of the rubble and carrying him to help. and how do you think jason made it out canonically (without the help of bruce) also!!! what are your thoughts on the specifics of jason’s scar and how he’d behave toward it. i liked the part of your fic where jason was temporarily unable to speak due to the trauma his neck received. i think the scar is something that rests on the junction of his shoulder/neck, and that can be hidden with whatever clothes he wears -> no one knows he has it (or how he got it) either. i like to imagine while bruce knows his batarang made contact with jason’s throat it’s never fully registered to him that it scarred until he sees it for himself (and while i believe bruce would turn the moment in head over and over again until it’s engraved in his brain, his delayed realization—to me—is due to his repression of the occurrence)

oh i adore this whole ask. some of it i explained in my notes, but this fanfic is quite dear to me, so i will elaborate.

short answer to whether this is how i imagine jay making it out of the explosion: not exactly?

the premise that i wanted to explore with paint it over is almost the opposite of a fix-it, and definitely not what i believe it should be in canon.

what i wished to explore there is, however, the part of utrh that is perhaps the most shocking to many readers: that bruce leaves jason to die.

in-universe, i think the answer why it happens is surprisingly simple enough: bruce does not come because he is just... not there. my understanding is, that in a way, the events of under the red hood did not happen. there is nothing to follow. that purple mist in the finale of the utrh, that is often read as a force resurrecting jason (not technically wrong, either)- i believe that is the timeline already rewriting itself, making the whole story into something that was not.

and the reason for the above is the infinite crisis. if i'm not wrong, it's also the inifinite crisis miniseries where bruce meets dick right after the explosions in (or of) bludhaven-- that in batman clearly happens in the background of his confrontation with jay. however, in infinite crisis (#4, just checked it now), bruce tells dick: "i wanted to make sure...you're alright... i was in new york when it hit. got here as soon as i could." which could be a lie or a matter of the editorial not being synced enough- but i'm willing to give them a benefit of the doubt given how it ties with that sudden, stunted ending of utrh.

this makes sense for canon for several reasons. in the animated movie, since it spares us the infinite crisis tie-in, bruce says of the whole incident: this changes nothing. it changes nothing because although aditf isn't, utrh is a tragedy; it changes nothing because since his death, jason is necessarily always pushed at the peripheries of the narrative, no matter how much the fate itself tries to fix it, becoming a tragic footnote. the dead have one right and it's the right to remain silent. and that is ironically ensured on a cosmic level, with his violent attempt at being seen hidden in the folds of the timeline. you can also see it clearly in canon -- i believe it was not until the infinite frontier that the events of utrh got just tangentially mentioned (before that, even lobdell barely touched upon it). other than that, they have no consequences; they are barely ever spoken of; they seem to slip out even from jay's solo comics.

this move was necessary for batman, as a character and as a title: let's say bruce does hold red hood as he does in the alt cover of annual 25 (and the cover of the deluxe edition of utrh.) that would implore a reckoning with his failure and his (suddenly non-productive) grief that would either reconstruct the whole myth or lead to some terrifying implications. these terrifying implications are, essentially, what paint it over is about. it's about the worst happening and about there being no way back from it. and jason, in receiving what he wanted (his father's love and care) wants to deny that reality. they both want to. yet even jay cannot ignore it completely -- and i chose to use the batarang injury to emphasize it.

and about the scar: i mentioned it briefly before, but in the au jason aggravates the wounds on purpose, hence it will scar worse and cause long-term issues for his voice. it's a theme i also keep in some of my other stories (to come...) and i very much think this is what would happen in canon if he had to take care of that injury. yet as it healed, i believe he'd take to hiding it, mostly. still, as it stands, my primary take might be that in canon (if it was to follow the interference into the timeline from the crisis at least) jason would simply end up with no scar at all, and only memories for evidence of what happened, which is perhaps worse for him too (but of course better for bruce. and as it happens, this is bruce wayne's story and everyone else is just living in it- or dies in it- for better or worse. and if we're ignoring that metaphysical timeline bullshit, as you said, i believe bruce would repress it all anyway.)

[perenians]

sorry but. jason was, in the end, just another unlucky person that died at the joker’s hands. we can talk about how his last moments were heroic (throwing himself at the bomb to protect sheila) or about how his search for love was what got him killed (bruce’s perceived rejection pushing him to go looking for sheila in the first place), but it doesn’t change that his death wasn’t something epic. it didn’t matter.

[matchahater]

tell me about solving problems with violence <3 (this looks so funny out of context omg.)

LOL i am an expert <3

not actively working on this one because I can’t decide if I actually like the premise or not

but it’s an au where the killing joke story happens much later, once jason has been brought back - dick decides he’s going to kill the joker for it, jason goes with him, and in the end jason is the one who pulls the trigger, not for himself but because he doesn’t want dick to have to live with the consequences of that choice. (dick ofc is furious about this.) bonus points for babs telling both of them that they’re fucking reckless idiots at the end lol

I definitely want to explore dick & jason’s relationship more I’m just not sure if this is the way I wanna do it! fitting that you’re the one who asked to hear abt this <3

[boyfridged]

in which bruce time travels and does not hold baby jay. (853)

But the sudden weep tugs at Bruce’s heart so violently that he has to stop himself from burgling in through the window. He is close to doing it, even, the acute awareness that the infant is Jason– That this is his boy there, needy and lonely, overshadowing any logical thought.

Then there’s another sound, a low groan, and the room lightens up with the dim glow of the bedside lamp. Bruce takes a step back; perhaps to hide in the darkness of the corner, or maybe out of sheer surprise, confronted with a forgotten presence. 

Willis Todd’s face is uncanny in its familiarity– In its similarity to that of his– In his similarity to adult Jason’s. The only difference must be the serene darkness of his eyes, otherwise every feature so eerily mirroring that of Bruce’s son. There’s the sharp profile and yet the unexpected softness of the cheekbones, the fine arch of eyebrows, the smooth curl of hair. There’s that weariness that looks shocking when displayed on a face that young; because he is young, decades stretching between him and Bruce, dually literal.

Willis rubs his face and stumbles out of the bed, murmuring something that is incomprehensible because of the idiosyncrasy of his speech, or maybe in a language different altogether. He moves to the crib in a quick motion, stomping over a plushy and a pile of clothes abandoned on the floor, something he can clearly do even with his eyes half open, and picks up the baby– Bruce ignores the odd feeling curdling in his stomach, these ugly knots, focusing on the baby, the baby with huge grey eyes and a little face reddened with distress, despite the mellowness of the cry.

“You need to grow yourself some stronger lungs, huh, Jaybaby?” Willis Todd whispers. “How will daddy hear you when you’re so quiet?” His voice is still rough with sleep, and familiar too, even though Bruce Wayne has never met this man before in his life.

As if replying to the complaint, the infant wails loudly. It’s a short, piercing cry that is almost immediately remedied with gentle rocking.

“Oh, now that’s what I’m talking about. A great start to your opera career too.” Willis chuckles and pokes the tiny button nose.  Another whimper and he’s walking out of the bedroom, urging Bruce to move to the other side of the balcony, to peek into the window of the living room. If it can be called that, since it seems to also fulfill the purpose of a kitchen, storage and laundry rooms all at once. There’s a rusty bike next to the door, leaning onto the textured wall, and three different colourful rugs on the wooden floor. The sofa is mostly neatly covered with a floral blanket, but there are scratches visible at the sides, and there is the perpetrator, an orange cat curled on top of it. It stirs awake and jumps to follow the man into the kitchenette area, fawning at his legs as he moves the cheese grater and a stack of the other dishes aside to find a bottle. 

It is a mess, but it is no worse than a mess Bruce would expect from any single dad. No dirt in the corners, just clutter and one too many empty cups on the counter. Willis starts moving them to the sink while the bottle is heating, the baby still safely tucked, but now held only with one arm. His mouth is moving, but Bruce cannot make out any words.

It is when the man moves back to the bedroom, where the window remains open, that he realises why his attempts at lip reading came to nothing. The constant, soothing chatter is Vietnamese. The monologue does not stop even though Jason seems pacified enough, latching on the milk with eyes half-open. 

“Enough?” Willis asks, switching to English, when the tiny fingers push the bottle away. “Mhm, not that hungry after all?” He sets it away and moves to the crib. But the moment Jason is settled on the soft blankets, he cries out fiercely. It does not take Willis even a split second to pick him up again, the sobbing stopping instantly. 

“So this is what it is about, huh,” he whispers, seemingly giving up on any other arrangement and simply collapsing on the armchair, the bed forsaken. “‘S a good note though. Just don’t forget your dad when you’re rich and famous,” he adds, before reverting to hushed Vietnamese. 

The foreign words heave uncomfortably at Bruce’s mind, reminding him that he should not be there. And as if in agreement, the comms spark to life, the static in his ears quickly replaced with quiet: “Batman, do you copy?” 

For a moment, he does not reply.

Inside, the infant sighs, unexpectedly loudly, eyes still intent on the father. 

“Tough life, huh, Jaybaby?” Willis says and mimics the sigh, overexaggerated. He smiles tiredly and rubs the round cheeks affectionately. And the baby laughs. The baby laughs and the sound is as loud and unrestrained as the cry before. It's unmistakable.

On the balcony, a cape flutters. 

[boyfridged]

“You just want me gone because you don’t love me.” It does not afford him even a glance. “Don’t be stupid. If I did not love you, I could have dumped you at any corner of this cursed city when you were still a baby.” “Like you did with the foetuses or the dead women you took them out from?”

his mother says all the love in the world might not be enough for him.

– (1430) 1/1, friday night (also on ao3)

My mother did her best.  Once, she said     there will never be enough love in the world for you, but in the dream          she meant it fondly.

– acie clark, intoning

Rationally, Jay knows it has been just two days (or one and a half, really), yet he cannot help but check for the results. He has to press the laptop charger with a book to make sure it stays steady; otherwise, the old brick will shut down at once. Then, the website loads on forever.

And he has to refresh it right away. He refreshes the Wayne Foundation academic mobility scholarship application page twice, thrice, the screen blinking with its contents– Only for him to once again be faced with the bold red letters. His hand trembles slightly as he clicks on the mouse frantically. The same. 

He jumps to his feet and opens the door to the big room; the only appropriate name for what contains a kitchen, doubles as a living space and serves as a makeshift bedroom, the areas and functions blending into each other. He takes a breath in, fidgeting in the threshold. Despite its humble size, the room is meticulously organised, even the dim lightning coming from strategically placed small lamps instead of the main, ceiling one.

“Mom?”

“Mhm?” Sheila is seated on the sofa, engrossed in a magazine. There are rollers in her hair, and she’s dressed in a neatly ironed collared blue dress, so she might be planning to go out later tonight. Which means maybe he should have taken the initiative to make dinner himself instead of waiting for her summons. But that’s a problem for later.

“The website says the documents were not received.” 

She reads on, replying only after turning a glossy page: “Hm. Maybe they haven’t updated it yet.” She still does not look up at him: “Besides, you already got into that Star school, didn’t you?” 

The realisation sinks in.

"You didn’t do it,” he stutters, “You said not to post them because you’d bring them in person— And—" His voice catches with emotion, and he hates it, but he cannot help how the confusion blends with an immediate, raw sense of betrayal. It’s the knowledge he could have taken care of the matter himself, and yet– He left it in his mother’s hands, stupidly, because despite her undeniable lack of enthusiasm, she promised.

“It’s the better option, that Queen scholarship. The location. And even a preparatory summer school included-”

But that was plan B. The fact that he applied there first was just an issue of the application timelines- He swallows, his throat suddenly dry. He wants to stay in Gotham. He wants to stay in Gotham so badly his face gets hot all over with emotion. 

Jay blinks rapidly to prevent the tears from welling up in his eyes, not trusting himself to speak. Instead, he stumbles forward. On a drawer, there is a vase so ridiculous that the antique shop almost gave it away for free. His mother always acted like she was made for the finer tastes, despite not being born into them or being able to ever afford them. He pushes it away to access the stack of envelopes and find the one with the Excelsior’s logo, similarly ostentatious. 

He feels as immature as helpless when he slides the letter out to start tearing it. The pristine, thick paper falls to the shabby, lacquered wood of the floor. 

"We have a PDF of that, you know." Sheila's response is typically delayed and typically pragmatic, punctuated by a slight raise of eyebrows. Her calmness makes it all seem inevitable.

His throat is clenching. The accusation barely manages to make out of it:

“You just want me gone because you don’t love me.”

It does not afford him even a glance.

“Don’t be stupid. If I did not love you, I could have dumped you at any corner of this cursed city when you were still a baby.”

“Like you did with the foetuses or the dead women you took them out from?”

In the following bout of silence, Jay expects his mother to stand up. He expects it so readily that he can almost see it in real time. He expects her to slap him, because there was a time when she would, and short years have not served to prevent the sting in the cheek, even the purely imagined one. In that instant, he almost wishes it was real. 

She does not make a move. She does, however, finally look up at him.

“That was crude,” she huffs.  

He doesn’t care about crudeness. He cares about staying home.

“Dad would never-“

“And where’s your daddy?” 

“I’m going to see him,” he announces, turning to the door.

“You’re going to walk to Blackgate,” she says, unimpressed.

“Yes.” He grabs his jacket.

“At 9pm,” she adds, even though it’s barely 8. “Outside of the visiting hours.”

“Yes,” he repeats. He can’t suppress his tears anymore, so that final confirmation is more of a weep than an articulated response. Sheila’s grey eyes bore into him with the same hardened indifference they usually do the second he starts crying. It is only marginally better than the open frustration he could be met with.

He shuts the door and skips every two steps. The bottom of the stairs is cold to touch as he sits down, putting his father’s stiff denim on and curling in. The tears now fall earnestly. The corridor smells mildly of dampness, maybe even mould. It is almost silent, only muffled voices from the ground floor flats for his company, and he allows himself the first two sobs to echo, before hiding his head between his knees. 

Jay wants Dad. He can’t have Dad until next week. It makes him resent him, just a bit, just for a moment, because mom was right; he is not here for Jason; not now, nor truly ever. Bringing up Dad in a fight was no more efficient than betting on a losing dog. He always does it anyway.

But there was plenty more Jason could add; for example: I would rather have Cathy than you. That, he never says. Thinking about Cathy makes his breath catch violently, and cry harder anyway. Dad’s in prison, and Cathy’s dead, and he’s running out of both tears and parental figures to turn to. 

He reaches into his pocket to take out a loose, slightly crumpled cigarette and a lighter. It tingles his throat even before he even takes a drag. The actual drag makes him cough.

“These women would rather be dead than mothers,” was what Sheila said once, right after Jason found out. Sometimes recalling that defence comforted him; it did not ease the irrational guilt, but it did mean that he, at least, was not unwanted enough for her to entertain other ideas. On other days, the easy sympathy with which these words were laced haunted him instead. He chews them over again, for what feels like forever, their taste sour.

“What did I say about stealing my cigarettes?”

He startles at his mother’s voice and nearly drops it, but Sheila quickly grasps it before it burns his fingers. She extinguishes it against the wall. It was already yellowing from all the indoor smoking anyway.

“Come eat dinner.” she says, her tone curt. Her hair is relaxed. She waits patiently for him to wipe his blotchy face and follow her back. He does. The anxiety curdling in his stomach stings as he walks upstairs, watching the elegant curve of the back of her dress. 

The dinner on the table is frozen pizza, because it’s cheap and because his mom hates cooking, and a green smoothie, to compensate for the quality and the lack of nutrition. And next to that bizarre meal there’s a transparent folder. The text on the paper is still blurry to him, letters spilling away from his vision, but he recognises them for what they are; the documents requested by the Wayne Foundation along with the application form. An unfair taunt.

“I will hand it in tomorrow morning. They will accept it,” his mother says.

“And what if they don’t?” 

“Then I will speak with Wayne himself.” 

Jason half-sniffles, half-chuckles. 

“What’s so funny, hm?” she asks, reaching to gently brush his curls out of his face. The touch is so light it’s barely there. But the coldness of her hand relieves the headache he has not yet noticed, probably a result of dehydration. He takes a sip of the smoothie first. It tastes spinachy, and strangely bitter–sweet.

“Sometimes,” his mother says, her shadow dark beside,  “I feel like all the love in the world wouldn’t be enough for you.” 

She might mean it fondly.

[boyfridged]

Jason dreads the moment when Bruce starts talking. He’s probably trying to figure out the angle, sorting through his internal spreadsheets. They’re going to analyse the past year in as few words as possible, or discuss the treatment, to give Jason the illusion that he has any control over it. Or maybe they will get back to the topic of how Bruce simply cannot do what Jason wants him to; the judge, jury, and executioner lecture that Jason never really needed, because deep down he knows that his cries and requests were selfish. Childish, even. But the silence stretches. It starts feeling more like peace. “I love you,” Bruce says, and that’s not code for anything.

– semantics (read on ao3)

[boyfridged]

i got comments and dms asking to explain certain parts of paint it over, which is a good excuse for me to provide you with directory notes. i understand the fanfic could be difficult to follow since i put a lot of meaning of this work into the minutiae (and it is a part of a slightly more expansive au). however, i also want to add that of course all readers are entitled to their own interpretation, so i encourage to skip this if you prefer it. but if someone is curious – a lengthy explanation can be found under the cut.

firstly, this fanfic touches upon a question that is often brought up in discussions of utrh: why did bruce leave jason to die in the end? this is something that is difficult to explain and seems completely unreasonable, especially if we don’t take into account the weirdness around the infinite crisis that takes place at the same time (the final panels in which it seems that the time wraps itself etc.) and so i asked: what if bruce acted more in character and looked for jason instead of abandoning him after the explosion? and- would that be a comfort or would it derail into something even worse?

and so the main thing that is happening with bruce in this fanfic is his attempts at fixing his reprehensible and impulsive decision of throwing the batarang (and partially even his failure in protecting jay as a child). bruce is authentically trying to repent and be a good father to jason. except the worst has happened and it cannot un-happen, and all of his actions; even the genuine acts of care, are tinged with the horror of it.

moreover, the tragedy of utrh and jason’s death itself is the loss of many years in which jason would grow up and emotionally mature in expectations and understanding of his father. trying to fix that stunted relationship puts them in a dream-like space of missed childhood and makes bruce revert to his past habits. the breakfast scene for example is an image based on post-patrol breakfasts in the silver age and early 80s, in which bruce often worn colourful robes and read a newspaper/sometimes even engaged in some puzzles like crosswords etc. post-crisis and post jason’s death especially, this habit seems to disappear from the comics for the most part. but here they settle back into it, which perhaps would be sweet in any other circumstances.

most importantly, when it comes to jason: the reason for which he is so passive almost all the time is twofold: first of all, he is just very depressed (as bruce says, he did not have any plans for the after of the grand finale of his red hood stunt with the joker. it was pretty much a suicidal mission and what happened was something he had no ways of predicting) and second of all, he does love bruce and wants to forgive him, believing it was an accident (this is mostly inspired by canon post-utrh, for example, countdown, wherein jason is eager to meet bruce and seems to have completely forgiven him the batarang. but it’s also inspired by utrh itself and his messy narrative in which he goes from blaming bruce for leaving him to saying he did not care about bruce not saving him, which suggests he really wants to absolve bruce of as much fault as possible).

however, there is still some internal struggle which i had in mind i wrote the ending of the breakfast scene; jason touching the bandage on his neck there is both a threat and a bit of an accusation. it is also something i wanted to emphasise because in a suggestion of the self-harm and refusal to get professional medical help, jason re-victimises himself too. despite in theory having what he wanted back: his dad, he still feels the wrongness of the situation and wants to keep the evidence of it. ironically, it only further challenges his autonomy, causing him to stay on soft/liquid diet and the neck trauma/mechanical damage leading to partial muteness.

this is his choice. it’s also tied to the detail of jason handing dick keys in the last scene. jason could leave anytime. he is free to do as he wants, something that bruce also indicates in the breakfast scene. i guess the question is how probable it is that he could act reasonably with all the baggage and trauma.

and finally, dick’s pov— dick arrives in gotham weeks after the events of utrh. he does not know of what (for example) the first week was like, something that bruce briefly mentions (the scene in the cave). in the wider context of the au, which is not explicitly mentioned here, the first week is the time when jason keeps aggravating his wound on purpose, especially when bruce says something he does not like (this is slightly hinted at in the breakfast scene too; bruce's quick reaction to jason's fingers lingering at the bandage). so dick also takes jason’s injury to be more serious because it’s not healed yet; but it’s because he is missing a piece of information. dick is also just understandably disturbed by the level of codependency that bruce & jason fell into. he thinks jason should get back on his own feet. this is of course something that becomes even more imperative when he learns the truth. so when dick talks of bringing jason to safety, it has more to do with the general environment and settling with him somewhere where he won’t be perpetually stuck in the place that serves as a reminder of what he has suffered. plus- less obviously, he also says that to calm jason down because ironically the idea of a tangible threat explains his decision better in the moment than telling his brother he cannot be staying at home with someone who slit his throat, intentionally or not.

i hope this clears things up a bit. this is of course not the one true reading and there can be plenty of more interpretations that i would love to hear about! i purposefully leave things unsaid to allow for this freedom. there are also things i have never properly mentioned, like alfred’s position in that all, but that’s a whole another topic that has to do with what happens in this universe after this fanfic. thank you so much for reading and your patience. i hope this was somewhat of an interesting read too.

[boyfridged]

The view shifts when Batman stands up. From this angle, the brightness of the city lights makes it possible to distinguish the outlines. Jason’s eyes are closed, and his head lulls backward, as if he was asleep. But there are streaks of water on his cheeks and his lips open and close slightly, soundlessly. There must be another movement too; perhaps he squeezes Batman’s hand, or attempts at a kick, because Batman readjusts his grip and says: “Shh. We’re going home. We’re going home.” Everything twice. To the side, something glints in the darkness; a familiar shape, all sharp. Dick pauses. He rewinds the recording.

dick is welcomed back in gotham by his not-quite-dead brother and his father's refusal to share the report of a night from weeks prior.

paint it over (read on ao3)

[boyfridged]

This is the easiest equation in the world. He has one bullet. Besides him, there are three people in this warehouse (or two, depending on how you look at it.) He knows what to do.

or, jason todd's take on the leave no trace/non-interference time travel protocol.

leave no trace (read on ao3)

if you could destroy the story before it started, would you–  “outhouse,” rachel mckibbens

This is not a dream, even if it seems like that. Even if the colours are too bright in this dark warehouse, and the sun glimmers on the few and narrow windows like it would on stained glass in a church. It must be smudges of dirt. Dirt is everywhere. Layers of ash on the floor. A stain of blood (or a child). Kaleidoscopes of red, yellow, and green.

Breathe. Breathe. Five things you can see (1. His gloved hands. 2. His gun. 3. Sheila Haywood; her face less calm than he remembers it, streaks of tears ruining her makeup– 4. Joker, looking right at him, 5. And that pile on the floor. A mangled, whimpering thing, that would probably feel oddly soft under his boot.) Focus. What goes next? 1. Laughter 2. Laughter. 3. Laughter. 4. Laughter. Or was it something he can feel? Or taste? Blood in his mouth. Focus.

There are protocols for this. One of the few Batman protocols that were designed in collaboration with outsiders, the Flash and even Booster Gold advising on the best course of action. Jason remembers studying them, and remembers Bruce telling him, in a strange occurrence, “I trust you do the right thing, if it comes to this.” And Jason remembers replying– “I always do.” In his mind, he would add, cynically, that fortunately his idea of the right thing was not the same as that of his father.

This is not a dream, but he had a similar once, or maybe it was a hallucination, as he sat in a cell in the Magdala Valley, and Robin’s body was twitching in front of him in spasms of pain, and an adolescent voice asked for help, and he replied, “I have tried, Robin. Believe me, I have tried.” And now he can truly try.

Focus. The Joker is static, perhaps because of the gun aiming at his head. “I love this joke!” He exclaims, his voice echoing in the vastness of the building. Somehow, to Jason’s ears, the moan coming from the floor feels more offensive.

There’s something he is missing, a memory tugging at his mind. A mention of the Joker using his old alias in Ethiopia, or someone else being spotted in a Red Hood-esque attire. “Peculiar,” Bruce said back then, and that was it, either way, “Robin, stay put.” Now, Robin is indeed staying put, Jason thinks with some humour, and the laughter in the background feels almost appropriate, as everything comes together, aligns. He retracts his actions since the displacement happened, where he’s been seen in the Valley, and how he ended up here, kicking the doors in. For a second, clarity almost overwhelms him.

This is the easiest equation in the world.

He has one bullet. Besides him, there are three people in this warehouse (or two, depending on how you look at it.) He knows what to do.

He fixes the gun on the target. Clean. His finger is placed on the trigger. Steady.

The shot is deafening.

***

Jason jolts in the Batcave, and he comes to his senses slowly, like from a dream. He blinks. Bruce is looking at him, maybe a little sadly. He can see his mouth moving, but can’t make out the words clearly. “Since you are here…timeline secure…the right thing.”

Jason stares at him, still a little dizzy.

“Sure did.” He smiles.

“Thank you,” Bruce says. There it comes; normally, he would be surprised at the sentiment, but this is only a confirmation that he was not actually trusted, that the fact that their reality did not collapse with Jason’s unprecedented trip was a surprise. Besides, Bruce doesn’t have any idea what he’s thanking him for, he doesn’t know half of it. And it’s not like Jason did it for him, either way.

Breathe.

There’s the giant Joker card, and Jason’s own gloves, and the empty magazine of his gun–

“One thing you can hear?” This is Batman talking.

“Ringing.”

[boyfridged]

You’re a child, she wants to reply. It’s a child’s job to be needy and to cry out for love. It’s a parent’s job to provide and never stop loving. And it’s a mourner’s right to stop the mourning when they believe that the dead have found peace. “I think,” Talia says, “that you are mad with grief.” “I’m alive.” “So you are. Does it make it hurt any less?”

some things are lost. some things are found.

– black out days: 3/3. (read on ao3)

[boyfridged]

Top five lines of dialogue you've written

ask me my top 5 anything!

i am a huge fan of silences, so this is a challenge... my dialogue is barely existent and always so heavily rooted in the scene itself. but let's see. in random order,

“Let me finish this,” Jason says, pushing him away. “By myself. Let me finish this-”

from: &you need a shovel: a dick & jay story wip. i love this line because it's a reference to "my sister, who died young, takes up the task" by jon pineda and because jason says it standing in a half-dug grave.

“I’m doing this,” Willis says, looking up to meet the blank stare of the white lenses, “so that my child never has to.” “I–” Batman shifts his weight. It’s the first time he visibly moves since the conversation started. But Willis has decided that he’s no longer scared of the guy. He cuts in: “And you, you have your kid following you around dressed like a dartboard. That’s the difference between us.”

my willis character thesis! and because there's not enough willis, from another little wip of mine, in which willis lives and gets to hear many eulogies for his son (not necessarily appreciated):

"He didn't need to be great. Just alive."

from my published works:

“A classic latin phrase appearing in the Confiteor. Eight letters,” he reads out.

paint it over. i'm proud of this one because bruce says nothing himself but i love it as a context clue for the reader, that is in fact the defining piece of his characterisation in this work. from the same work i also enjoy dick's “how do you feel knowing that the monster that slit your son’s throat still roams free?” because it's so fun when characters utter statement of such significance without even knowing it.

and, lastly:

“I think,” Talia says, “that you are mad with grief.” “I’m alive.” “So you are. Does it make it hurt any less?”

i actually loved writing most of black out days dialogues. the main premise there is jason actually getting self-aware irt his self-mythologising so there is much more substance to what is said.

[boyfridged]

quick notes on friday night (1430):

you are of course open to interpret the background in any way you wish, but in my mind in this au sheila has always had the primary custody. of course, jay also was (and still is, as much as possible) very close to willis, who similarly as in the canon timeline ends up in prison due to his alternative employment that he picks up mainly for jay, but also because of catherine's illness. unlike in canon, willis does not die. cathy, whom jay has come to view as a parental figure (which he has however never said out loud) does however lose her life to cancer, addiction and poverty.

perhaps not entirely clear from jason's perspective, but sheila's motivation behind wanting him out of gotham is not getting rid of him; she genuinely believes that he can have a better life elsewhere. this is important to her since in this au she never got out of gotham herself; she wants him to have what she has never managed to achieve.

how i see what happens after: sheila does go to hand in the missing papers. the nice lady at the front desk of the wayne foundation informs her it's past the deadline. unfortunately for her, sheila is insufferable, and she spends an hour there, leaving only to go to the WE building itself. being herself (despite the attitude problem, she is pretty charismatic) she does in fact manage to get a meeting with bruce wayne, who in truth knows very little about the proceedings and the scholarship, but listens to her complaining about how inadequate it is compared with the one offered by queen industries, which btw even gets their students new computers and tablets (that's a lie.) bruce's decision comes easily enough; he cannot be worse than ollie, and he also makes up his mind the moment she says that "she'd rather her son got a better life elsewhere, but unfortunately the kid cried all evening because he won't accept anywhere but gotham" which obviously makes him project on that boy even though he's never seen him in his life. sheila comes back home to inform jay about his instant acceptance- and with a brand new laptop. "i did tell you i'd speak to wayne himself if there were any issues." jay doesn't really believe her but he won't ask further questions.

[boyfridged]

i love your meta commentary so much, so when i saw that you posted 'paint it over' i RAN to it and ajgwoeiawog it's so gooddddd T.T

i was just wondering what ur favorite draft of paint it over that didn't make it to the final cut is? also, what do you think will happen to the characters in the future?

this is a glowing review, thank you so much for your kind words!

one scene that i had a rough draft of & decided to scrap pretty much last moment was a conversation between dick & alfred after dick watched the cowl recording. dick asks alfred how he can allow this situation to go on and alfred replies "and what is there to do? anything that could be done should have been done years ago." these words were to refer to bruce & jay's overly codependent relationship in jay's robin days – which lead to jay lacking any support system besides batman. in my mind that isolation is one of the main reasons for which both aditf & jason's return goes the way it does, as his only point of reference and safety in life was bruce, who he now lost. and in paint it over they are simulating that sort of parent-child relationship again, except if it was an issue when jay was 11-15, it's straight-up horror after all that happened later on.

i got rid of this scene mainly because i realised alfred's words could be misinterpreted in a thousand ways and it's a difficult piece to read as it is. i also felt like it would be too much and i love me some silence and empty spaces in my writing. so i briefly replaced it with alfred simply passing next to dick & jason as they were leaving and letting them go in silence – but it did not fit in the scene well, so in the end alfred barely appears at all.

as for the continuation... actually, the first snippet i wrote for this work didn't make the final cut since it would take place right after what i decided to be the ending! jay starts asking questions which leads them to argue as jason obviously does not want to leave home for "no reason" (dick insists bruce hurting him is very much a reason. "it was an accident," jason says. "damn it, jay! you may trip or slip, that's what an accident is. not slitting your son's throat!"). the whole drive is very fun as jay also tests the door handles, because dick is "unreasonable" and jason is "going back."

i think the aftermath of it all would very much be a "it gets worse before it gets better" fix-it... dick gets to see what bruce meant when he said that the first week was difficult, because jason reverts to trying to rip his injury anew. he also attempts to blackmail dick with self-harm to be able to speak to bruce ("yeah buddy this is exactly why we're not doing it," is dick's general response.) dick also does not have a guilt complex that prevents him from forcing jason into doctor's appointments like bruce did, so jason slowly gets better. and when i say slowly, i mean it. there's a lot to it, like road trips, and going back to the crime alley, and jason talking to people outside of his immediate circle, and unexpected team ups, and dick going through like twenty breakdowns on his own in that time.

bruce doesn't argue with dick's decision much, because, again: he is aware of his fault. he also agrees to work on himself meanwhile. he does want updates on jay though, which dick begrudgingly agrees to do (although in a limited capacity.)

there's at least one person who tells dick that maybe he should just let his brother go back to the manor and that whatever is wrong with his family is not his responsibility. this, of course, does not happen.

at some point jay & bruce do get to start talking again. but first, they need to properly grieve what they lost on both sides and grow as people independently from each other. and when they meet again, they are not the same people they were, and they never will, but there's peace in that.

or at least this is how i imagine it would go-- but things usually change as i write, so who knows, maybe if i was to actually try to follow up with a sequel, it would go in a different direction altogether... and i did intentionally leave it with an open ending, so whatever your idea as a reader is about the future – it's right too! (and i would love to hear about it)

[boyfridged]

hello for the wip game im SO intrigued about small roads i’d love to hear your take on jaykyle <3

ah babe i'm very intentionally putting it aside for later when i read up more of kyle's comics to make sure i do him justice... it's not heavy on romance though, it's an established relationship in an au and a comedy. this is the summary that i have written up to remember where i was going with it:

the second robin’s corpse is missing. desperate, batman employs the help of the superhero community to find intel on its whereabouts to put his son at peace. kyle’s once-assassin boyfriend might know something. start with the mariana trench. and, hey, have you checked on the moon yet? 

wip game

[boyfridged]

hiii 💕 please tell me about confessions ! the title is SO intriguing…

oh of course you chose the one i already told you about in the dms... it's the religious self-discovery and emotional journey to murder one, wherein jason is violently catholic and is about to make it everyone else's problem. it includes soo much crying and compulsive narration and the opposite of catholic guilt (whatever that is). i have also indulged in a bit of experimentation with the scriptural style there. and because i'm tacky, it all culminates in a cathedral.

here's the summary i have for it:

at first, there was only joker in his plans, or maybe his father, or maybe both of them. then his teachers come. somewhere along the journey, jason starts remembering what it is like to trust god. 

wip game

[boyfridged]

wip game

Post the name of all your files in your WIP folder regardless of how non descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send in asks with the title that intrigues them. Answer with a snippet or something about the story. Tag as many people as you have WIPs.

thanks @krasavik babe. i have way too many wips, but here are the ones that i've been actively playing around with in the past couple of months...

jay-centric:

flat circle

confession

small roads (jaykyle)

rewind (& au damian & talia)

vol 1: as it was (series)

vol 2: future nostalgia (series)

magic investigation ??

WILLIS!!

talia/au damian-centric:

mother 2022 au

duke-centric:

daylightks

kon-centric:

kon s/l show

celebbaby

i will not be abiding by the rules and i'm tagging @iliadicjasontodd and @minotaurtheory and @matchahater if you haven't done it yet and feel like it <3