#zkmbb

[stargirl-judooz]

@officialzutaraminibang for this wonderful piece of fanfiction. Look out for this story to be posted!

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Here’s a snippet of the scene that inspired me:

“Katara bit her lip, but she was determined. She extended her hand towards the water...and pulled --a small sphere of liquid rising from the pond to float above her hand.”

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[Image description: A young Katara and a young Zuko sitting, secluded on the ground in a grassy area hidden by a tall hedge. The children are facing each other, dressed in their ceremonial best. Resting on his knees and leaning forward on his hands, Zuko is dressed in red with his hair pulled back into a Phoenix Tail and with his dagger laying beside him. There is a small turtleduck resting behind him by his feet. There is a look of awe on his face. Katara is wearing Water Tribe traditional blue that has been tailored to be appropriate for the Fire Nation climate. She has one leg in front of her and one hand on the ground, the other is holding up a small sphere of water as it twists and glows from her bending. She has a small polar bear toy laying in the grass beside her. In the shadowed corner of the lawn, hidden by the hedge, the glow of the water is reflected on their faces and on some of the garden around them. Past the hedge there are pillars framing in the scene with celebratory flags hanging from them, beyond that are the tops of the heads of the other attendees and they are all in front of a sunset in the background.]

[quarantineddreamer]

i’ve been absent, and i can’t be sorry (it’s been necessary), but i do miss this community and having the energy/time to participate.

in truth, it’s been a challenging past few months for me...

don’t want to bore anyone, so details below (tw: depression, anxiety, parental troubles, covid)

i was really fortunate to be really close to my family growing up. i had a great relationship with my parents. which is why it has been that much more painful for me this past year to have them slowly driven from me by the absurdity of current politics. i didn’t see it coming, i didn’t think my parents could become science deniers. and yet here i am...

i tried with everything i had to teach/reach them, but ultimately the stress of it all was causing my anxiety to reach extremely unhealthy levels. for my own health and sanity, i wrote them a long, heartfelt letter explaining why i would not be talking to them for the time being (as they refused to get vaccinated and began to behave dangerously, no masks, frequent outings, seeing lots of people). that was july. 

august my parents visited my hometown. i did not see them or speak to them. my birthday passed, i did not see them or speak to them... 

i spoke with my mother once, in september...and it’s all still just as bad. there was shouting, cursing, crying (mostly me tbh). she’s stubbornly clinging to her beliefs drilled into her by right-wing media. i wont get into them, but it’s conspiracy level bad... she got covid, she kept it from me and my brother until afterwards. miraculously she was okay despite taking “medicine” that has been proven to be ineffective against covid and potentially dangerous while sick to boot... it’s made her even more determined to cling to her insane theories about the vaccine, covid treatments, the government all of it... 

i told her my life would continue without her and dad: i might get engaged (probably would have on my anniversary except my partner felt bad i wasnt talking to them at the time), married, who knows... covid isn’t going away anytime soon, and i cant agree to disagree with her on this. it matters too much to me that they be safe. if i let it go and something were to happen to her and my dad...i’d never forgive myself for it. 

i’m not saying mine is the correct approach. i have been plagued with doubt and guilt off and on. my mom has used language that makes me feel like this is all my fault, for being anxious, for being depressed, for not just letting her have her dangerous opinions... but at the end of the day despite the pain and grief i feel for not having my parents right now, i am still better off than i was before. fewer panic attacks, able to focus at work, able to at least sleep some now. 

i started anti-depressants when my mental health hit an all-time low during all of this, and they’ve been helping too. i really didn’t want to get back on them, but i believe they’ve saved my life. 

sadly, between all this (and busy times at work) i’ve had very little time, focus, or motivation to write. i’ve barely been on here. to be completely honest, naps after work are common. the extra rest has become important. i’ve developed a sudden interest in true crime documentaries and sad movies?? i was very confused by this at first, since i’ve never ever had an interest before, but my therapist says its how im processing my trauma and grief lol 

but why write all this out on tumblr, B? well... i like to scream into the abyss here, and i also want to be completely open about my struggles and mental health, because i was at my worst when i felt utterly alone, and if this post helps even one person who might be experiencing similar feel less alone than it’s worth it.

and i also wanted to let this community know why i’ve suddenly dropped off because it is a place that has brought my joy even during the chaos of the past year or so. i am going to be participating in the upcoming zkmbb and still have my other projects ready and waiting for me to return, but for now, the queue is going to be up and running and i’ll be a bit quieter as i fight my way through this and have to dedicate extra time to self-care.

i hope no one relates to this post, i really do, because it all hurts a lot and i dont want anyone to feel this pain, but if you do? you are a warrior, i admire your strength and courage --and i am sending you so much love.

best wishes all,

B

[stargirl-judooz]

@officialzutaraminibang this is the art I made from the fic “I love you, I love you, I love you”!

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This line was the inspiration for the scene depicted:

“I would tell him he doesn’t need any lasting sense of caution around me, but I don’t feel like being the reassuring one tonight.

“I have a lot on my mind,” my eyes drift back to the beach.

I don’t turn to look when he comes closer.”

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[Image description: Zuko and Katara stand on the porch of the abandoned royal beach house on Ember Island. They are framed in by the porch railing and are still in their stealth outfits, it looks like it is an immediate debrief after their journey to confront Yon Rha during the events of The Southern Raiders. It is nighttime and the moon casts a pale glow over them and they look out towards the beach. Katara’s arms are crossed in front of her and she has a weary and sad expression on her face. Zuko rests on hand on the railing and one hand on her shoulder with an observant and concerned expression on his face.]