#zorak has huge feet

[dynamoe]

new season of Bridgerton looks great!

[adultswim2021]

Aqua Teen Hunger Force #38: “The Clowning” | December 7, 2003 - 11:00 PM | S03E20

Man, do I love this one. In “The Clowning”, Carl suddenly has hair. It’s a wig, obviously, but he can’t take it off. He uses it to pick up a disgusting woman in one of the single-funniest scenes in Aqua Teen history: Carl attempts to woo said woman by doing air guitar and making guitar noises at her while shaking his hair around. It’s so fucking good. This would be a great episode without that scene. This might be one of my all time favorites.

Eventually Carl’s wig mutates and so does Carl. Carl eventually becomes a disgusting mutant clown. His sagging skin resembles a clown’s costume, and his feet grow to an enormous size. He can’t help but juggle Frylock’s science equipment. Worst of all, he infects Meatwad who also turns into a clown. Frylock freezes Carl until he can come up with a cure. Spoiler alert: he doesn’t.

This one only suffers in one fundamental way: a bad ending. There’s a perfectly good ending in this episode, but it telescopes out into what’s basically a “just a dream” ending with Dr. Weird and Steve. It’s not very satisfying. But, you could just consider it a “bonus” ending. I don’t know why they didn’t just keep the future ending they already had. Oh well!

MAIL BAG

Doo doo doo, doo doo-doo doo Doo doo doo, doo doo-doo doo Doo doo doo, doo doo-doo doo Doo doo doo I'm packed and I'm Holden I'm smiling, she's living, she's golden She lives for me, says she lives for me Ovation, her own motivation She comes round and she goes down on me And I make you smile, like a drug for you Do ever what you wanna do, coming over you Keep on smiling, what we go through One stop to the rhythm that divides you And I speak to you like the chorus to the verse Chop another line

Hey thanks for writing. You’re right, Patton does do a lot of ham-fisted liberal hand-wringing, and I totally forgot about his feud with Barbara Gray, in which I thought he acted like a huge baby (not that I particularly identified with the outrage that precipitated it, but if I have to pick a team I’ll go Gray any day).

Doing away with the mailbag was a good choice. It's fine if someone has a cool fact about a previous episode, but most of it seemed like nonsense. Like who's thinking about hootie and the blowfish in 2021? Anyway thanks for the blog.

What actually happened was I ran out of messages and then took a little break cuz my queue was a few days full and I had a was busy scrambling to find a job in the final week of receiving unemployment benefits. It’s back now. I’m so sorry.

Todd Barry is just a lower energy Dennis Miller, don't @ me.

I won’t, fatso! Freakin’ lardass!

Do any of the wayouts even have any animation other than the drummer? I swear the other two never move much less say a peep. I always considered them animatronic that space ghost and zorak put up to simulated a full live band while zorak really does everything from his keyboard.

I seem to remember one of them having a line of dialogue early on. I remember it being a guitar player for some reason. But I like the animatronic angle. That’s fun! It’s like freaking GhostBiz Pizza, ahaha! XD

Bring back the mailbag. Let people speak their mind for cry-aye.

by all means!

[ladyzaurahel-blog]

The Legend of Oblivion: Chapter 1

~Two years later~

Oblivion sat on a pile of rubble, staring out towards the edge of the kingdom of Sylphs. (Sylphs are descended from air Elementals, and they always have light blue swirly ruins on their skin from birth, and a small breeze that fallows them around, like an aura.) She swung her small legs, staring over to where the warriors, and the sky druids were rebuilding defenses, even the thieves guild RED had joined the construction crew, for a small fee of course. The small seven year-old gave a hint of a smile, taking a bite from her apple. The kingdom may have lost so much, but they would slowly gain it all back... Suddenly she was tackled from behind, making her, and whoever this male was, roll down the mound of stones. When they were at the bottom, she suddenly flipped, pressing all her weight on him, which would make it almost impossible for him to move if he was not stronger than the delicately framed female. He raised his hands in surrender, allowing her to take in all of her attackers features. He had pale alabaster skin like most Sylphs, but his markings were a pale red. His hair white, which was also very common for their race, and his eyes were scarlet. He had a very smug and playful grin, which Oblivion recognized immediately.

"Zorak!" She laughed awkwardly, getting off of him, rubbing the nape of her neck, "Sorry about that..." The boy just grinned, grabbing her hand, and pulling her back up the stack of rocks, sitting down again. They sat in silence for a few minutes, before Zorak quietly asked Oblivion, his voice just barely a whisper,

"Hey," he spoke, squeezing her hand, "do you think everything's going to go back to normal? It may have two years since the Demons, but..." Oblivion smiled at him.

"Don't worry, Zorak. Everything is going to be okay. I know we all lost things, and people..." she looked out over to where the sun was setting, "I won't say that I have lost more than most, I know that some people were left mangled and broken... It's not my place to say what will happen and what will not, but, let's just hope... Okay?" She stood up, pulling the nine year-old to his feet with her. He chuckled.

"I didn't know you were so wise, Oblivion." He said as they walked back to the house, "Have you ever considered studying magic?" She just giggled, breaking into a sprint.

"Ha, ha. Very funny. Race you home!" Zorak shook his head, smiling, and took after her.

~Six years after that~

"What do you mean there's going to be a council?!" Oblivion glared at Xyona, "You honestly believe there's no other relatives to my deceased uncle, aside from me?!" Xyona rubbed her temples, gulping down some mead.

"Yes, Sneaky. And if you don't step up, this things permanent." She sighed, "I don't like it either..." At that moment, Zorak walked in. Obviously angry about something, and he threw his twin swords onto the table, sitting down. Aggressively.

"Don't like what? The fact that we now have a council with Prodotikos Skylos on it? No, mother! I absolutely love it! So should you!" The venomous sarcasm quite evident in his voice. He stood up, flailing his arms about, continuing his rant. He was quite a muscular boy for fifteen, and obviously very handsome. Zorak would continuously use this fact to get the things which he wanted. Lately though, he was in a bad mood, for Prodotikos Skylos had officially outlawed RED, even after all the work they had done on improving the kingdoms defenses. It wouldn't be that big of a problem, but Zorak had joined them, already beating those above him for the top spot. He was quite bitter about the Councils decisions, and would take it out on nearly anyone. The only person able to calm him down during one of his rages became Oblivion, who took to hugging him from the back. The first time she did this he had turned rigid, and couldn't do anything but stutter and blush bright red in her presence for an entire hour, which confused her greatly, but eventually he got used to it. No matter what though, even with RED on the line, Zorak didn't want Oblivion to have to become Queen, she was thirteen! And besides, he wanted to still be able to hang out with her. The fact that he didn't want to choose between RED and Oblivion was another thing that added to his stress, and kept him up at night, leading to Oblivion spiking his water with sleeping draught. Yes, Oblivion was definitely a born rogue, even if she was supposed to be a princess.

Even though Zorak wouldn't admit it, Oblivion had become quite beautiful over the years, her unusually black hair cascading in waves down her back, and her stunning violet eyes brought her attention from many males in the capitol, which then earned them a cold menacing glare from Zorak, telling them to back off. Oblivion remained oblivious to this though, which was a relief, seeing as if she noticed, he would have to endure her teasing. Oblivion groaned as she fell into the sofa, burying her sculpted face in her hands.

"I didn't ask to be born royalty!" She huffed, trying to refrain from yelling, the capital did not need to know her secret. "I won't be Queen, no-one can make me!" She decided, much to the satisfaction of Zorak, who turned, and started to walk up the spiral staircase until he heard her call out,

"Wait!" Oblivion ran in front of Zorak and put her arms around him, causing his face to go red again, then he hesitantly returned the gesture. "I needed a hug." She announced. With Prodotikos Skylos on the council, and RED outlawed, he realized a hug was definitely just what he needed, as well.

That it came from Oblivion was just an added bonus.

~Another three years~

Oblivion sat in the corner of a bar, toying with the silver dagger Selina had given her. She put her feet up on the table and yawned, closing her eyes and listening to the commotion about her,

"What the hell is that?!" Fear...

"It's purple!" Confusion...

"Oh, my gods... It has wings!" Panic...

"And a personality, so shut up!" And there's the offender. Oblivion snapped open her eyes, looking straight at a Strix. She had heard about them, they did indeed have light purple skin, and huge purple angel wings, which, obviously, didn't suit her. This one was a female, with spiked hair, about five inches long, and standing straight up. The Strix's build was incredibly muscular, and she looked as if she could break your neck, while playing a game of darts. Oblivion noticed that the Strix was staring at the Sylphs which were gossiping about her with such burning hatred one would believe that they would have caught on fire by now. The Strix also held a great-sword in one hand, which was about one foot taller than her, and three feet thick, she wore animal hide armor which was crudely sewn together, as if it had been constructed by the Strix herself, from whatever poor creature had fallen victim to her wrath. From the ferocity of the Strix's snarl, Oblivion suddenly remembered that Strix's utterly despised humanoids. Oblivion rolled her eyes, getting up from her spot in the corner. She walked over to the Strix, tapping her on the shoulder, and ducking when the winged creature swung her arm out, in an attempt to hurl her across the room. Oblivion raised her arms in surrender, but she didn't seem to intimidated. She spoke up taking out a few gold pieces.

"Woah, there!" She began, "I don't think you should start a brawl this early in the day, the sky druids are still patrolling..." Seeing the look on the Strix's face, she added, "Come on... I'll buy you a beer... If you tell me your name. I'm Oblivion." The Strix's face brightened at the mention of an alcoholic drink, and sat down heavily on a bar-stool, sheathing her sword in the scabbard on her back.

"I am known as Lialda!" She roared, banging her fist on the wood, making a few people shiver, and back away. Oblivion just calmly smiled, and put a few gold pieces on the counter. She then nodded at Lialda.

"Good to know.... She'll take the strongest alcoholic drink you happen to have..." She then looked the bartender in the eye, the latter shaking in fear, "I don't care if it's illegal." He squeaked, and scurried out of the room. A few Sylphs looked at Oblivion as if she insane talking to the Strix, and the others, which were previously gossiping about Lialda, looked thankful that her attention was not on them anymore. Lialda seemed a bit surprised herself at how calmly Oblivion was handling her. There seemed to be nothing mentally wrong with the Sylph, but, what could possibly be the other explanation? Oblivion noticed the Strix's confused expression, and laughed.

"Are you wondering why I'm not intimidated by you?" She lightly teased, smiling widely. This confused Lialda even more, but she would never admit that. She turned her head to the side, scoffing.

"No. Of course not." But Oblivion just laughed.

~Three more years later~

Oblivion and Zorak were dueling, overlooked by Lialda. The tension and ferocity in the room was unmistakable, for one of the Council members had threatened to off Zorak, and tell the kingdom Oblivions secret, if she did not marry him. Oblivion was furious. Xyona had been the one whom the Council member went to for one thing, and for another, blackmailing her would have been considered a death sentence had her uncle been alive. Of course, Oblivion believed that it wouldn't matter if she agreed to wed him or not, for he would reveal her secret as a chance to become King anyway.

Xyona herself had taken some measures to ensure that the marriage would not happen, since it could not be called off, she had, in fact, hired a guide to take Oblivion and Lialda out of the kingdom. This guide had only just came to the surface world, and would always wear a hooded cloak, as the sun would burn his eyes. This guide was a Drow, a dark elf, he had not told Xyona why he had come to their kingdom, or if he was to be considered trustworthy or not, but he was the best bet for Oblivions safety. The Drow male was muscular and lean in appearance, but did not appear to be anything close to Lialdas strength. He had long white hair, which was common for a Drow, and bright red eyes, which also was not unusual. He had an array of weapons, but appeared to favor the rapier, which was also Oblivion's preferred weapon, and the Drow had an intricate silver ring on his finger.

Xyona had told them to leave at sundown, and to make their way through the forest, as the sky druids did not patrol that close to the border, and if, by any chance, one was near, the trees would provide them cover. Oblivion was still furious about this though, and Lialda had even offered to murder the Council member for her, seeming very delighted at the chance to destroy her friends enemy, and she was not the only one. Although Oblivion had yet to join the thieves guild, (which Zorak was now guild-master of,) RED had seen so much promise, for her skills were improving daily, and they had also offered to kill him. But Oblivion refused. She had said that she believed, even though this was an insult to the royal family itself, that the problem would work out on it's own, but Zorak knew that Oblivion was just desperate for adventure. He was indeed saddened by the thought of not seeing Oblivion ever again, but tried to keep his spirits up around her, because, for some odd reason, he did not enjoy seeing her worry. Oblivion would usually be able to see right through this, but she understood, and put up an act of her own.

Oblivion and Lialda were ready to leave at sundown, meeting the Drow at the edge of the forest. He said nothing, but started walking, motioning for them to follow. Lialda grabbed his shoulder, forcing him to turn around, but all he did was smack her hand off his shoulder, and looked at her with a bored expression on his chiseled face.

"What." He said in the common tongue, his voice deep, and so low it was hardly heard. Lialda looked surprised for a moment, and seemed to be contemplating the pros and cons of killing him. Oblivion decided to voice her thoughts, not wishing for her guide to be killed.

"What's your name?" She spoke, making him furrow his eyebrows, scrunching his face into a frown, making her add on, "We just need to know if we can trust you or not. You know us but we don't know you..." He sighed, and motioned for them to follow him back down the path, he seemed to be thinking about whether or not it would be alright to tell them. Eventually, he turned around, and spoke, his voice in a whisper, as if worried that someone might learn of his existence.

"Bhynil."

And thus the years did pass.

[your-dungeon-is-problematic]

Thri-Kreen (AD&D)

Holy shit, it’s been quite a while, hasn’t it? Then again, I’ve had a very busy summer. And May, of course, was total bedlam what with the graduating from university and such. And of course this fall, where my faith in the American people was...uh, let’s call it “shaken”, even though that rather undersells it, in my opinion. Hmm. Well, without any more hemming and/or hawing, thri-kreen. Mantis men. Zorak, even. Really, what’s not to love about the thri-kreen? They’re MANTIS MEN. That is awesome! I mean, sure, none of their forearms have chitinous blades for hands like actual mantises, but four hands means four weapons, plus, they’re psionic.  I’d say that makes up for not being Scyther.

General:

“Thri-kreen are a race of large, intelligent insect often referred to as ‘mantis warriors.’ They roam the deserts and savannah, where they have marked-out hunting territories. They have no need of sleep and can remain active through the day and night.” ...Well, on the one hand, they aren’t hampered by lack of sleep, and on the other, it must mean their caloric intake is ludicrous considering they are constantly active. ...Then again, that’s probably why they’re constantly roaming their various hunting grounds...? “Mature adult thri-kreen are roughly 7 feet tall at the shoulder and 11 feet long.” Well, that’s nothing if not imposing! “Of the six limbs protruding from their midsection, two are used for walking; the other four end in four-fingered hands.” I mean it’s interesting, but I can’t help but think looking at the example thri-kreen presented up top as looking a little unbalanced with how thin and skittery his legs are. Like, four arms is a wonderful gimmick that adds to what they can do? It’s just that from a practical perspective I can’t help but think the thri-kreen would have been best served on an evolutionary level with four legs and two arms. But who am I to judge? “The tough, sandy-yellow exoskeleton is extremely hard. A thri-kreen has two compound eyes, usually black with highlighted eyespots, two antennae, and a complicated jaw structure that manipulates food as the thri-kreen chews. The antennae help the individual to maneuver through brush and grasslands in the darkness (they also reduce any melee combat penalty from darkness or blindness by 1; missile combat is not affected). Thri-kreen often wear harnesses and even some forms of clothing, but they never wear armor.” This is all fairly accurate to regular mantis anatomy (though as I recall, most mantises have some kind of extra simpler eyes in the middle of their head? But I suppose that’s not majorly important), but the thing I question is their refusal to wear armor? Like, is this supposed to be a purely mechanical thing? They’ll later on state that their exoskeleton gives them a natural Armor Class of 5; would wearing actual armor over that be that much of an overkill? Is this supposed to reference how in their native Dark Sun setting, metal armor is among the rarest of artifacts? Because even as a species with a hard, chitinous exoskeleton, I think I would want as much protection as I can afford if I’m a soldier or mercenary of some stripe. Like, the exoskeleton is great and all, but if something gets through that exoskeleton, it’s like you’ve lost armor plating, and have broken a bone, and have exposed your squishy innards in one fell swoop.  “The native thri-kreen language is made up of clicks and the grinding of its jaw appendages. While it is difficult for other creatures to speak this tongue, it is just as difficult for a thri-kreen to imitate more standard speech patterns. Thri-kreen speak their own language, but some understand the Common tongue.” Inevitably leading to Chewbacca-and-Han-Solo-esque bilingual dialogues as the one guy in the party who understands thri-kreen talks to their one guy who understands Common.  Unless somebody has some kind of enchanted doodad to allow thri-kreen to speak Common unhindered, assuming they know it. Such are the luxuries of a fantastical setting, eh? “Three-kreen seldom live more than 35 years.” Oh. Ohhhh. Ohhhhhhhhh... It’s a real good thing they don’t need sleep, then. Really have to maximize their time, while they still have it.

Combat: “A thri-kreen’s chitinous exoskeleton gives it AC 5 naturally. Unarmed, it can attack with four claws and one bite attack per round.” No offense, but lacking the natural blades of regular mantids, those arms look rather willowy, and trying to use them for mere fisticuffs seems a waste. And while those mouthparts look sharp, I don’t generally think of mantises when I think of “vicious bites”.  “If using a weapon, the thri-kreen can attack with its weapon and bite.” See, now that’s more like it. And judging by the illustration, it would appear they very well might be able to quadruple-wield! ...Though considering the various penalties that would involve, perhaps it would be best to just wield a two-handed weapon with four hands. Hell, perhaps some bonuses for that could come into play, I don’t know. I mean, you’re using more hands than is necessary, thereby giving your blows more force, and--ah, never mind. Bit of a longwinded tangent. “Thri-kreen also learn special combat maneuvers as they grow older, learning all by the time they are mature adults.” Oh! This is different! Do tell! “Leap: This ability allows a thri-kreen to leap 20 feet straight up or up to 50 feet forward. They cannot leap backward.” Criminy! That’s...really rather impressive. I mean I suppose great leaping is more of a grasshopper, cricket, or flea-associated ability, more than with mantises, but...I don’t know, it seems like a rather clever reference to whenever one is trying to compare the jumping ability of any of those insects to a human scale? ...Though I must say I’m a tad puzzled at this being a learned combat maneuver, and not merely a natural jumping ability, merely being applied to combat scenarios... “Chatkcha: This is a crystalline throwing wedge. A thri-kreen can throw two chatkcha per round, up to 90 yards. A chatkcha causes 1d6+2 damage when it hits, and returns to the thrower when it misses.” ...Boomerangs? ...Well, okay then. I like boomerangs. Boomerangs are neat. Don’t know why the tri-kreen in particular have boomerangs, but I’m not complaining. :V “Venom: This venom is delivered through an older thri-kreen’s bite. Anyone bitten must make a successful saving throw vs. paralyzation or be paralyzed. Smaller than man-sized creatures are paralyzed for 2d10 rounds, man-sized for 2d8 rounds, large creatures for 1d8 rounds, and huge and gargantuan creatures for only one round.” I...wait, what? Venom? The mantis-men have venom? I could understand driders, being spider people, or naga or yuan-ti, being snake people, having venom, but...the mantis-men? That doesn’t follow. I mean, of course I don’t think any sapient fantastical species mostly based on one creature needs to stick to the abilities of the animal, but the additions should at least make sense. ...Also, that sounds like a great way to make a group of thri-kreen a pretty huge threat. If someone’s unlucky they’re out for 16 rounds, 20 if they’re a dwarf or halfling. “Dodge missiles: A mature thri-kreen can dodge missile fired at it on a roll of 9 or better on 1d20; they cannot dodge magical effects, only physical missiles. Magical physical missiles (arrows, thrown axes, etc.) modify this roll by their magical bonus.” Oh! Bullet time! Neat! And unlike the venom thing, this actually makes some sense, on account of how zippy a striking mantis is. Also, that’s literally bullet time if you have guns in your campaign setting. What’s more, since it’s dependent on the thri-kreen’s roll, it doesn’t even matter if the archer or gunslinger are really good (unless it’s a natural 20, I think, which will always hit? but I don’t know how you’d work that out), it’s all dependent on wether or not the DM rolls well on those dodge rolls. And on a 9 or higher, the odds are in the thri-kreen’s favor.  Color me impressed. Don’t piss off the mantis-men, especially if your party mostly consists of ranged folks.  “Psionics: Some thri-kreen have psionic wild talents. There is a 50% chance that any thri-kreen will have a psionic wild talent, described in the Complete Psionics Handbook.” Oh right, that’s a big thing in Dark Sun, isn’t it? The proliferation of psionic powers? Hell, the description’s kind of underplaying it by saying “some” thri-kreen have psionic powers if a full 50% have them. A few bad coin flips and the party is being tossed about by a group of angry insectoid Jean Greys (Jeans Grey? ...Grey Jeans?). “Magical Items: Thri-kreen can use most magical items, though those designed for humanoid creatures cannot be worn properly, so will not function for a thri-kreen.” ...I mean that makes sense, but that’s a little vague. Like surely magical weapons work the same, it’s not like they don’t have hands. Not to mention magical rings, necklaces, bracelets, hell, even like a tiara or crown or circlet or something if situated properly around those antennae. You’d definitely have to make some alterations to, say, a magical chain shirt, or something, to give it the proper arm spacing. Not to mention the four arm holes. But such a carte-blanche “it don’t work” doesn’t seem terribly reasonable. It’s not like they’re weird blob things, they have arms, legs, a head...most of the general stuff should still work alright, in my limited estimation.

Habitat/Society: “Thri-kreen organize into hunting packs; there are no permanent thri-kreen communities.” Tch, pity, really. I mean, it seems mostly a measure to ensure you can justify a thri-kreen random encounter. “Uh, they were just...out here. Hunting. Yeah. Now fight them, take their stuff.” Unless of course you use your random encounter table for things that aren’t just for random murder opportunities for your party.

Ecology: “Thri-kreen are carnivores. They seldom hunt other intelligent creatures for food, but will do so in times of need.” Well, better than the lizard men, who explicitly prefer the taste of human flesh. I prefer Donner Party behavior to eating people when there are perfectly serviceable non-sapient animals and plants to choose from available already. “Mantis warriors have a well-known taste for elves, which keeps both races at an uneasy peace at best.” ...Wait, what?! You just said they seldom hunt other intelligent creatures for food, now you’re saying they have a taste for elves?! ...I mean, granted, the word “seldom” implies a non-zero number of intelligent creature hunts in non-starvation conditions, but still, that seems like a contradiction, to me. 

Related Species: “The tohr-kreen, or mantis nobles, are larger, more cultured versions of thri-kreen. Though many of them wander their world to gain knowledge, they sometimes build cities as well. They regard thri-kreen as somewhat barbaric cousins, though there have been incidences of a tohr-kreen creating a permanent settlement of thri-kreen, or teaching a pack more civilized ways.” ...Okay, well, first of all, “more civilized ways” are in the eye of the beholder. Second of all, they earlier mentioned that thri-kreen do not create permanent settlements. Yet, the tohr-kreen do? I suppose I’m not really convinced that these tohr-kreen are actually a distinct species so much as a ruling class/caste of the same species. The “larger” thing, which would appear to be the only explicit physical difference between tohr- and thri-kreen, could easily just be the fact that noblemen of cultures the world over and throughout history have been better fed than the peasants, allowing them to grow larger instead of having their growth stunted through malnutrition. “The xixchil are spacefaring mantis. These creatures are skilled surgeons and artificers, who enjoy replacing lost limbs with ‘more efficient’ substitutes.” Ooh! Spelljammer shit, sounds like! I love me some sci-fi-fantasy crossover! I mean, they’re really undeveloped, but “skilled surgeons and artificers with a taste for cybernetic enhancement” is almost deeper characterization already than the rather vague and generic “HUNTING CULTURE” that appears to define basic thri-kreen.

Overall: I really think they could have done more with the lore. Like they didn’t even tell us wether thri-kreen women ritualistically kill their mates after conception. Not even as a joke. The most impressive thing about them is their various skills, like their leaping, and their psychic powers, not to mention Bullet Time. I’d say use them, sure, but give them something to work with from a characterization perspective. If you’re going to keep them as hunters, I might go so far as to say crib from the Predator movies, and have THE HUNT be the centerpiece of their culture. Like, superiority in THE HUNT is the be-all, end all.  It’s better than “yeah, uh, they hunt, but sometimes they eat people, except when they don’t, but except when they’re starving.” Give them a proper culture. Though I guess that’s what I usually ask for, then, ain’t it?