talesoftamriel

[talesoftamriel]

-A Day For Some Dark Meat-

It was a fucking horrible day in Whiterun's market, the sun was shining, and everything seemed peaceful. I don't do well with that shit, and something had to be done. I felt like doing some murder, some real kinky shit, like using a paralysis spell on some filthy leek sucking bitch and covering her in spider's eggs, so that's what I fucking did. I dragged my pyschotic ass down the path to The Drunken Huntsman where I knew some filthy yellow striped maggot infested dark piece of shit was residing. I waltzed in and wandered over to Jenassa after a short chat I dropped a few stacks on her, raining down them septims in exchange for her uneeded adventuring help. The filthy barrel of Skeever shit followed me keenly, she had no idea what was coming to her. We travelled to Falkreathe, why Falkreathe you so ask, because its eery as shit you potion guzzling cunt and what better place to do some kinky bondage, spider egg foreplay than one of the forests surrounding the town. we ventured through the forest until I found the ideal location a small openening surrounded by pine trees. I readied my paralysis spell and my sack full of spider's eggs. oh my god I was so fucking excited I cast the spell right at that elf piece of shit, she froze up like the Forgotten Vale and fell over limply, I had to be quick, I began individually droppin' down those slimy eggs, oh the thought of what she would be thinking just got me all fucking worked up. 1 egg, 2 egg, 3 egg, 4 egg oh my god so many fucking eggs, I finished with a Mudcrab Chitin, that said I gave her crabs. suddenly she began to recover I was so lost in the moment, so engrossed in incasing this dark elf fuckball in slimy shit and crab's limbs that I forgot that she was still very well alive. Fuck that shit got me ANGRY I was fuming, how fucking dare she, I pulled out my Dragonbone Warhammer and went to fucking town, I didn't stop until at least 30 seconds of endless smashing. after I had laid waste to the pathetic scawny arse unattractive filth ridden CUNT of an elf, I finished off my art, few eggs here, few chitins there, and we were fucking done, not only was Jenassa pregant with an army of baby spiders she also had crabs, which in the Brief History of the Empire v3. translates to completely fucked. I walked away calmly more than happy with my display of Tamrielic racism and psychotic sexual fantasies, that was Jenassa crossed off my wife shitlist and with that it was back to the huge world of Skyrim, where many more murderous endeavours were waiting. 

[talesoftamriel]

-Grelka Falls Victim-

There I was. Back in Riften, the shithole full of shitheads I liked to call it, around every corner in this town is some irritating cunt. But no one grinded my dwemer gears more than that Grelka faggot. This rude moody Bitch just had no manners, she was always on her fucking period and being the most disrespectful cunt out, but with a name like 'Grelka' I don't fucking blame her, but still Riften would be a moderately better place without her ugly fucked up face around. So with that I chose to win her by love, which in turn would lead to her bloody murder, I spoke to her, she was herself "BUY MY SHIT", "I'M A HAIRY CUNT", "COME ON COME ON THE SOONER YOU BUY THE SOONER I GET DRUNK"....what a fucking slut. I silenced her with some Nord loving and soon this bitch was marrying my murderous arse. After the ceremony we were off to adventure. as we waltzed on around scenic locations I brainstormed how I should kill this rude, dragonfaced skank. and then it struck me! I would decpitate her, roll her body in a river not far from a waterfall, and sit back and scratch my plums while I watch that headless sack of steaming horseshit fall. I had the ideal location, near a bandit tower west of whiterun. I brought her to the bank of the river, and faced her I would finally silence this rude cunt and sacrifice her to the divines, I armed myself and as luck would have it I was treated with a decapitation finisher move. oh what a sight it was, I dragged her lifeless, headless, useless body to the river and popped her into that shit. I then ventured to a suitable vantage point. I raced to the location and sat eagerly, and then I was blessed with the sight, Grelka was now plummeting from a waterfall, with no fucking head, I laughed and watched that failure continue down the river, I felt fulfilled. With that I ventured away, another wife crossed off my Shitlist and my murderous addiction fed. Grelka was no more, no one in Riften would have to deal with her rude, skanky, shitmouthed persona as of that day. the divines smiled upon my efforts. Another day, another wife. 

[talesoftamriel]

-Cooked Medium Rare- 

Adventuring had really worked up a fucking appetite and I swear on Malacath's knob that I could eat a shitting mammoth. But I was in the mood for something more sinister  something more murderous, I swear to the holy cunt of Dibella I was going to cook up a storm. I had the idea of cooking a wife, and that idea was going to go right the fuck ahead. I shot of to find some poor wench to seduce, and I had some slut by the name of Aeri in mind. After tracking her down I seduced her with some mischievous sexy Nord bullshitting. She fell right in love and just like my previous wives she wanted to get married and probably have my leek demolishing her sweet roll. After marrying I asked that Aeri follow me, I hoped she liked cages, that shits kinky as fuck. we ventured from Riften to a cage that has a wolf in it. I told the stupid bitch to wait, while I killed the wolf, I didn't want the fur ball stealing my wife's flesh. after I had cleaned the cage of its previous inhabitants I ordered little Aeri to get the fuck inside, of course she agreed she was all in for a bit of caged fun. once she was inside I closed the door behind her, she was so helpless that stupid cunt was about to make a fine meal, I'm no vampire in Skyrim but there's nothing I love more then a bit of cooked nord bitch. I armed myself with some fiery magic and unleashed a wave of fire. the light of the fire reflected in my eyes a big deranged smile on my face. that stupid cunt Aeri sure was hot. I waltzed into the cage and dragged her charred corpse out, she was cooked medium rare and it was time to feast upon her delicious limbs. I am one fucked up Nord.

[talesoftamriel]

-Surprise Murder-

Home sweet home, I was hanging around my Dovahcrib storing away all my hoarded shit, from shovels to fucking inkwells. I was in quite a satanic mood, in the mood to do some murder. I had already crossed Ysolda and Camilla of my shitlist and it was about time to move onto my next victim. Mjoll the Lioness some hairy Nord bitch in Riften had caught my eye on many occasions, and my Murderous Motherfucker senses were tingling, it was her turn to taste my blade. However the murder to come would surprise me to extensive levels, simply a murder like no other. I left my DovahCrib and set out to Riften to find this face painted cum rag. upon arrival I was confronted by a guard he told me I had been a bad boy, he must have found the poor beggar I shanked and dropped into the waterways just a few days before. I found myself paying my way out of this one and slid away to find Mjoll the Lioncunt. I slapped on my murderous Amulet of Mara and made my dramatic entry into the tavern. I saw Mjoll sitting with that Aerin cunt, the one that always seems to follow her around, because he saved her life or some shit like that. I shuffled up to their table and my irresistible Nord charm caught her eye, after exchanging a few lines like my previous wives she wanted to marry, and we were already in Riften, how fucking convenient. The next day she was my loyal wedded cunt and off we skipped to my DovahCrib, in other words her grave. Once home it was time to show Mjoll who she was really fucking with, I pulled a Deadric axe from my back and began swinging wildy, oh the blood gashing and her screaming was more then enough to sooth my addiction. When I was just about to finish the little ginger bitch off something was brought to my attention, I shrieked like a little imperial girl, I had nearly shitted in my Nord underwear, in the doorway behind Mjoll's bloody body was a black outline, the outline of a fucking person. I gripped my nutsack and shievered in fear, my entire adventures across Skyrim flashed before my eyes. How in Dibellas Vagina did he get into my home, his body was too dark to identify, It seemed as if though he was some angel or vigilante, stopping me from cutting this Mjoll cunt up. after adjusting my testicles and gathering some courage I walked up to the figure, by the sweet mother of Malacath it was that fucking Aerin cunt from the taven earlier. I raised my axe and said promptly. "Wrong neighbourhood you jealous mother fucker" with one strong blow to the head he fell over. Why was he just standing there, either he was just as deranged as I was and wanted to see Mjoll take an axe up the arse, or he was too shit scared to help the ginger cunt. It was no matter, I dragged their limp bodies just to the left of the entrance, so that everytime I entered my DovahCrib I would remember the time, they nearly caught, Murderous Nord Cunt Dovahkiin.

[talesoftamriel]

- Camilla of Riverwood -

I had already brutally fucked up one of my wives in Skyrim, and it was time to marry again, my hunger for serial killing was far from fed and the next wife on my shit list was Camilla of Riverwood, this wench had been the hot topic in Riverwood gossip as two hormonal faggots were hungry for her vaginal region, I however wanted to win her heart and then physically remove it. I slapped on that Amulet of Mara and was on my way to Riverwood, it seemed so familiar. once I arrived I searched the Tavern, no sign of that cock hungry slut, I then made my way for the towns general store, as soon as I popped my ugly mug through the front door I saw Camilla, she was staring me down, hungry for my Nordic Horker loaf no doubt. I spoke to the wench in an instant and that rosey cheeked cunt wanted to marry as soon as possible. before long I found myself back in riften, getting married, the preist was probably wandering what happened to that Whiterun rat Ysolda, he'd never find out. once married Camilla wanted to move to my home, I was more then happy to accompany her arse back to Breezehome, and then from Breezehome back to Riverwood her home would be her grave. I asked that she follow me and we made our way to the sawmill. once we were at the wooden tray I pulled out a mace and bludgeoned the slut to a fine pulp. I dragged her body onto the sawmills log tray and proceeded to put a log in the tray behind her, as the log moved towards the blade it pushed young Camilla with it and she was soon being butchered, boy was it a fascinating sight, that cock hungry bitch wouldn't be pleasuring herself with leeks and choosing men around town now, I placed a human heart on top of her body. she went out with a log up her arse and a saw in her torso, I pranced off quite pleased with my satanic doing, and crossed Camilla of my wife shitlist. 

||Read Ysolda First||   *Scroll Down*

[talesoftamriel]

 - Worth Every Tear - 

A close friend of mine loves Skyrim as much as I do, she told me of a day she spent hours decorating her home, the clock ticked by as she placed good looking shit on benches and cabinets, after leaving her home and returning, it looked as if though her home had been ransacked by a mob of Skeevers. she spent the rest of her day crying. It happens to the best of us.

-For my dear Nerna

[talesoftamriel]

- A Fishes Revenge - 

The Nine smiled upon me it was a sunny day as I dragged my arse up and down Lake Ilinalta with fuck all to do. I noticed a small island just of shore with some smoke rising from it, off I went to inspect this little island, as I casually swam across the body of water in a 60 kilogram suit of armour I noticed some ugly elf cunt perched on the island, perving on all the fuckin' action. the squinty eyed faggot seemed peaceful enough and I had no intent of sinking my sword into his stomach. What did catch my eye was the salmon hanging from a rack. his salmon no fucking doubt, I felt rebellious and given the fact that he was a scrawny little shit I tried my luck harvesting some Salmon for myself. after bagging one salmon I heard "That's not yours" or something the sort, no doubt shit tits behind me didn't agree with me taking his salmon, he pranced on over and began swinging with his pathetic iron axe, I didn't feel like killing the smelly pile of Horker shit so I simply unequipped my weapon and beat the crap out of him, the coward soon fled and swam away from the island, I was treated to to a cry of pain, I saw his turd of a body floating in the water, a slaughter fish had finished the little bitch of, I bet that slaughter fish was waiting there for days plotting to kill that elf cunt, it didn't phase me that the selfish maggot was dead, I proceeded to take all of the salmon and with that it was back to adventuring.   

[talesoftamriel]

- Heimskr's Last Howl - 

I was in Whiterun one soggy Skyrim day, it was raining, and yes Heimskr was out talking smack, his shit dribble had driven me to the point of insanity and I thought now it was time to put an end to his brainwashed theories. how did the populace of Whiterun cope with his shit day after day, "oh Talos, Oh Talos, fuck me in the arse oh mighty Talos" I thought I'd take some time out of my busy adventuring schedule and do some good for the town. I didn't care if anyone saw me shut Heimskunt up I was the Jarl I did what I wanted. I crouched in front of the old sack of shit and loaded up an arrow, I wanted this moment to be sweet, clean and fast, the old fart didn't deserve such a clean death but I was in a merciful mood. I aimed at his knob of a hooded head and waited for the right moment. "Aye! Love LOOVEE, even as man, great TALOS cheri-" *fuckin' twang*   the arrow slid right into the noisy cunts face and with that the town was blessed with silence, he fell back satisfyingly and hit is head on the stone slabs, no regrets, I dragged the pin cushion back into his little tent, and took the arrow out of his head, sleep now Heimskunt sleep, may you have your fantasies with Talos in the afterlife you irritating robed pile of mammoth shit. 

[talesoftamriel]

- Erotic Raegents - 

She wrapped her lips around the tip, and began to suck, the warm white liquid spilt into her mouth and onto her lower chin, she took it like a real Nord woman with that she cleaned herself up, and placed the cork back on the now empty Invisibility potion.

-Fifty Shades of Dovah 

[talesoftamriel]

Ysolda

Now this Ysolda cunt had been pissing me off for quite some time, I didn't even like the wench and I noticed the bitch eyeing me down every time I was in Whiterun droppin' stacks on Belethor. I saw it fit to give the annoying bitch something to rave about I had already committed horrendous and serial like murder before, it was time to do it again, I vowed to myself to find all the available wives in Skyrim, and murder them in some fuck ugly fashion, Ysolda was first on my shitlist. I whipped on that Amulet of Mara and strutted over to Ysolda, the bitch didn't know what was coming. in a few seconds of conversation the wench had implied we marry in the next 24 hours, holy fuck women are demanding, I nonetheless agreed and before I knew it I was in Riften a cespool of a town hardly the place to marry but I didn't give a skeevers smelly nutsack I wanted to murder this bitch. It was done, we were married and Ysolda that hairy cunt had already asked that she come live with me, fucking perfect, MINT I tell you. To Breezehome it was. The joy of Skyrim on PC was Mods and an advanced follower mod meant my newly wedded cunt of a wife could follow me around, this was great as I planned on sacrificing the greasy little mammoth rooter in the middle of a dark forest. after greeting Ysolda at home I asked that she follow me, of course the unsuspecting bitch did what I said. before long we were in the middle of a beautiful Skyrim forest, I asked Ysolda to park her arse in a scenic location. I began to place firewood around her, as best I could might I add, Skyrims Physics engine was still being a cockfart. Ysolda didn’t question my motives and just stared at me like a stunned Cyrodilic Spadetail, without further question I equipped dual flames and rained down and ungodly firestorm of magic and clusterfuckery. Soothing, it was soothing, that Ysolda cunt was cooked medium rare and my hunger for murder fed, I waltzed of knowing I would never see that stupid Broad in Whiterun ever again. 

[talesoftamriel]

Somewhere Out Windhelm Way

Adventuring the land of Skyrim had become a bit dull in the fuck early hours of some miserable morning. I was in a deranged, dark mood, in the lurid distance glowed  the windows of a peaceful Nordic home, not peaceful much longer might I add. me being in a fucking agressive mood felt the need to break and enter that shit and horrifically murder anyone and anything inside. I held my temptations for a few moments plotting my first murder, I was hoping a woman was inside, killing woman is more fulfilling then eating 20 Cheese Wheels to replenish some 100 fucking health. I felt like fucking around with whoever dwelt inside, I crept towards the house, and knocked on all the windows, you know just to get the person inside really fucking scared, I removed all my clothing but a hood and two daggers, I looked like someone out of a vintage 80's porno, my Nordic chest hair and rags as underwear really added to the mood, without further examination I entered the home, to my pleasant surprise a Woman lurked within. the dumb bitch didn't even hear me enter and she was cooking, yes, that good girl, making an apple and cabbage stew I hoped, perhaps I could slather it over my body after I'd brutally decimated the pathetic excuse for a Nord. Just to fuck around some more I grabbed a piece of crockery and placed it on her head, as she turned around I pulled out my beautiful Iron daggers, after a few wild slashes I was treated with a finishing blow, a decapitation, perfect. her head flew of her fucking shoulders and rolled around the room, oh my murderous addiction had been fed, just a little. I picked up her body and placed it on the bed, I tried to pick up the head but Skyrims physics engine didn't fucking agree, with that I left the residence, sprinting naked through the snowy landscape envisioning my body covered with stew and blood.