talkingtomyselfblog

[talkingtomyselfblog]

my way of coming out is posting playlists on my insta story so people can see i listen to girl in red.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

when i’m alone, i drown in my own self pity and hatred. i convince myself i’m not worthy of real and healthy relationships cause i’m fat, ugly and annoying. the people i’m in close proximity to give me the satisfaction of human company, but nothing more. i don’t feel like i can trust them with my self, i don’t feel like i can be vulnerable. so here i am. alone in my apartment, struggling to find motivation to leave my doors to potentially meet other people.

and i am myself when in the company of others. my color and light is dim when i’m alone. it’s such a toxic cycle i’ve put myself in. i thrived in school because i was forced to be in the company of others all the time. yeah, i’d be around assholes every so often, but the few magical moments helped me ignore the bad. and now, the world feels diluted. who am i? where are my people?

[talkingtomyselfblog]

okay okay okay, i see how bad my negative self talk is. its just so easy to tear myself apart. im so far from where i think “ideal” is. i feel like i should be better. its so easy for me to list out all of my imperfections. 

uhhhghgghhh

[talkingtomyselfblog]

starting off 2020 alone and hungover, hooray. honestly, whats new. the hangover isnt too bad. but im sure the alcohol has something to do with me feeling like a fat ugly worthless piece of shit today. 

i dont feel like i have anyone i feel comfortable spending my time with today. do i truly base my friends on proximity?

god, reading this, im pathetic.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

wish i was with you. happy new year.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

i think i obsess over you when i know you’re near. even now i hold on to the fantasy of you. even when i remember the reality of it all, the disaster that it was, my stubbornness prevails i guess.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

for the past 3 nights i’ve been having dreams about people from high school/middle school. first it was zoheb, then julia and sione, then last night, alex and miguel. i was visiting alex in ny, and we were sitting down for lunch. i think we were at nyu. and it was nice. but then he left and said he’d be back, but he never came back. i waited. i got up and walked around. but i didn’t see him again. miguel showed up and walked me around which was nice, but that was that. idk what these dreams are all about. being at home is taking me back to the past but i don’t want to go there.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

legit i can’t remember if i told you about this tumblr. i’m typing like you aren’t reading any of this.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

i want to feel home. that feeling of safety and comfort. that feeling of being loved, so unconditionally.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

alex + sheilz

[talkingtomyselfblog]

i’m in denial about it but the answer to many of my problems is to just go sober.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

i’m angry but don’t know if i have a right to be. you bought me so many drinks. then i black out and we make out and you let it all happen. i mean, i did too i guess, but that wasn’t me. i wasn’t there. it was not consensual. and im not so much mad at myself. i’m mad at you. you knew my relationship with alcohol. but you bought me so many drinks. and it feels wrong to be mad at you cause i should take responsibility. i was drunk. you were drunk. and that led me to yet another non consensual sexual experience that leaves me feeling vulnerable and violated. i feel disgusted when i look at you. i didn’t want you. i don’t want you.

i don’t trust any of my “friends” anymore. none of them deserve it. i’m not safe. i don’t like this. i don’t think i’ve ever had a friend who helped me have a safe and fun experience with alcohol.

i guess i should blame the alcohol. but i’m also mad at you.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

i’m starting to see that the person i vent to matters more than just the act of venting.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

idk why i even want you to reach out. i dont know what id want after that. what am i looking for with you? do i love you? do i want to be friends? do i want you in my life? do i miss you? fuck. i think i miss you. or do i miss the feeling?

[talkingtomyselfblog]

i get angry when i think about you. how you suffer and blame me for it, but never reach out. i hate feeling this way, guilty maybe? when you go down this tunnel of hurting yourself because of me? and you dont. reach. out. 

i think im being selfish. i want you to want me. i think thats it. idk.

i want you to want me.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

FUCK. i read his tumblr. and he wrote in it. and ive been rereading his 4 posts over and over again. he’s thinking about me. and it excites me. but also, i need to remember that i need to move on. but reading his tumblr has put him in my head again. im telling myself hes trying to move on. stop thinking about him. hes trying to forget you. and it hurts to think about. but i miss thinking about him. and i miss thinking about him thinking about me. and this pain reminds me how i felt about him. but it wasnt love. it was forceful love. it wasnt real. i wanted so badly for it to be real. but its not. we cant be together. its never going to work out. he is not the one for me. but fuck i miss him. i dont know if he has a place in my life anymore. i dont know what to do. well. i should probably stop looking at his tumblr. but we all know that will never stop. ugh. 

hey alex.

no stop. you just miss the attention.

[talkingtomyselfblog]

i have been consumed with lgbtq+ content for the past week. well, i get like this every so often. am i just in love with love? trying to find that feeling in a world thats apart from my prior heteronormative relationship? or do i have a baby queer inside of me, eager to explore, craving a different love. or is it different? im so confused. i dont know how to figure out this bicuriosity. i dont even easily feel feelings for men, how do i expect to feel feelings for women just like that. should i just accept my non-straightness, and live my life waiting for that next person to come into my life? or should i actively be experimenting, causing me to step out of my comfort zone? what if i call myself bisexual, but end up being straight? i dont feel comfortable calling myself a part of this beautiful community. but there is something inside me... i need to figure this out.