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Is this real life—
How can someone be so cold and so fucking egotistical, self absorbed, lack human decency and emotions, watch someone suffer and inflict more pain pain daily, play like a victim, ignore everything said to them, believe the lies they tell themselves, think something isn’t true if it’s not what they want, be so much in their own world they have no awareness or if they do, no care, or the affects their behavior/actions cause. NO child is raised to do that! So how does that happen?? I used to think he’s sick— I’d let so much slide because I gave the excuse that it’s not him like this, it couldn’t be; it has to be because of an underlying issue. The lying, the cheating, the manipulating was all because he must be HURT himself… I allowed myself to be the punching bag in cause teaching him that he’s allowed to treat me however he wants & I’ll always be there— but when I would try to leave I’d get mentally tortured and threatened in ways that if I do I’d hate myself more than I did at the moment or lose the little will I had left to keep going….. I got lied to, then made to be left completely alone and with nothing but he still held on— he still fake carried as I held him telling me all I wanted to hear or playing victim.
My eyes didn’t open until I was so deep into shit thet it was impossible to get out of. So what do I do? I stay.. because now I’m completely broken and a shell of whom I once was. The real me was LONG gone and I know she’ll never return; but I think the damage that’s been done will make it so the evolved woman will never be able to come to light either. You’re left stuck. Stuck in the shit that you can call out every move, expect nothing more but still getting hurt and losing more and more of yourself that you barely have left holding on.. because you lost everything already, he’s now all you have left of the old you. He’s all you deserve because who would want someone so damaged and scared.. the amount of time it would take to heal and build it all back would be too late for anything you need done.!
So everyday goes by and you hate yourself more, you lose even more shards of who the fuck you are. You wake up multiple times in the night crying hysterically, you have nightmares screaming at you to leave and free yourself, you go to sleep crying to yourself… laying next to the person you once believed you’d have a whole life and family with, who told you that, who you begged to tell you of it’s not what he wants and you’d of respected it no problem, who you had nothing to really offer but still decided to continue taking from you til you’re absolutely empty and even still continue until what; until he took my life too. He grew stronger as time passed & got better at playing victim too; he got everyone around us to believe I am the villain in his story.. and the ones who saw through the bullshit got sick of telling me I’m making a mistake and abandoned me. But I was screaming crying for help THE WHOLE TIME. Just a damaged little girl, desperate to love & be loved, have a REAL family and a REAL home, nourish bc that’s in her nature. She was different; there was no one else quite like her. Eyes like a moonlit night, soul as deep as the ocean.. She's an old soul with young eyes, a vintage heart, and a beautiful mind. She wears her heart on her sleeve and only ever asked anyone she was with for HONESTY and AFFECTION. She’d let you be whoever you were; she loved your heaven and hell inside of you. Never judged. Embraced it all. Found beauty in it all; used her light to heal it all.
But what happens when the girl who took the darkness from everyone she ever came in contact with never learned how to release said darknesses.. they fester inside her, weigh her down, consume of her, and hold her down gasping for air. But she kept taking it because that’s what she knew. She searched for ways to release it, she asked for help— but she was always told “you got through (blank) you can get through this” or “if anyone can get through this, it’s you” or “you’re so strong, you can handle it”. But she in fact couldn’t handle it. Days, weeks, months, years went by & she took it all on her own while slowly losing every piece of herself.. her home, her friends, her family, her interests, her spirit, her SOUL. She was a shell. She slowly was becoming the person she always helped— when the abused becomes enough abused they embody it themself. She cried at every reflection of herself. Gasping for air every breath; but held on because of that ONE PIECE of herself she lost to the monster she loved because that’s what a mother does. Some mothers tell their children they never wanted them and are the reason they’re so unhappy— telling them to go onto the tracks behind their home and doing it right this time since once walking in on a failed attempt. Some mothers take the baby of an innocent girl who did nothing but give her ALL to their child and take on the problem she neglected to use yours as a second chance to right her wrongs she made. Some mothers don’t deserve their children but are able to be there their whole childhood until they’re old enough to learn the truth and the walk away. Some mothers get the chance to do it right and have the right environment and support to have the beautiful experience it’s meant to be & their children do the same when it’s their time. There’s different paths for everyone— but what do you do when you’re on a path you’ve never been meant to be on.. one where you were dealt hand after hand of shitty cards and played them the best you could but just could never recover?
Now you’re scared and alone and lost.. everything you feared became your reality & you no longer recognize yourself. You no longer have the will or strength to keep going.. you want to give up so badly but you can’t— one because you cannot leave your piece behind even though you now believe even though deep inside you dont; it’s better off without you and can be better in the end & because you’re a failure at that too after attempting it before and being unsuccessful. You beat yourself up more and more. You know right from wrong but either way you’re the one who suffers. Who can you turn to? How can you begin to climb out of the hole that everyone left but somehow theres still dirt being thrown onto you as the hole gets deeper to climb out of?
How did it get to this?! You’ve never regretted ANY misfortune or mistake in your life thus far because everything happens for a reason— it shaped you into who you are. But now you regret so many times you could have prevented this from happening.. you hate yourself more for not doing something sooner.. you question everything! Maybe you aren’t the light worker or earth Angel you once believed you were. The story you told yourself that this lifetime wasn’t meant for your happiness you were out here to help others heal and to teach them their lesson.. it was the only way to make you feel better about the bad shit that keeps happening to you dispute your effort and accomplishments. Maybe you are the narcissist.. maybe you are that monster, that villain, that “crazy girl” everyone claimed you were when they looked bad or felt bad for their doings to you. They could sleep so well at night because maybe it’s because of you.. but it just doesn’t make sense. There has to be one person who sees you for who you are.. but where can you find them.. can they help you? You just need that ONE person to grab your hand and guide you out.. you can be a fucking phoenix in the end of this all. They rise from their own ashes…… but you just can’t seem to fucking click that switch inside and do it. You’re no longer living, you’re no longer surviving, you’re just wasting away on the abyss of this nightmare you don’t understand how or why you’re in.. you always tried to manifest the happily ever after. You’ve always put others before yourself. You just kept swimming…… but now can you rise from your ashes?! I hope you do.. but I just don’t know how you can when you keep allowing this to continue. Because you’re scared— so fucking scared.. because the world around you made you this way and now you became your worst nightmare. But is it possible? Will it take too long for you to recover? We do recover don’t we?
You just battle yourself every second of every passing day, questioning others and how it got this way— more time passes making you hate yourself even more. When will you rise?
Please, rise.. that only piece of you thats worth recovering needs you. Give her that story.. she won’t hate you when she’s old enough to process the full story.. maybe she’ll love you more. You’ll be left with misses all those moments, precious years taken from you because others couldn’t see the red flags and bright lights of truth— but maybe it can still be a happy ending.. but it can’t if you give up.. dig deep!!! Make your plan.. and fucking try; one last time try! Your eyes are opening, you’re seeing things you didn’t before. Your mind is so beautiful and your heart has always been so pure— you know who you are even if you can’t see it at the moment. Take the first step; it’s just ONE step at a time! Trust your angels.. it’s not fair; it makes no sense why this is happening but one day it will. Don’t give up.. please, don’t give up yet.
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Is this real life—
Is it just me or is it like extremely infuriating when you know someone is a certain way; for example you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, and when you’re around other people they act the complete opposite of who they are.. all charming and funny and everyone laughing and thinking they’re cool & all you wanna do is say something but you gotta sit back and pretend like it’s all good and funny because if not YOU look like the asshole— or when they can be putting you down or verbally abusing you & within seconds of someone else being near they can switch the fuck up and twist the whole thing making YOU seem like you’re crazy or the issue🙄😒
Like bro, what am I doing?! It’s time to get the far the f*ck away & not look back.. but I’ll never be able to fully detach from this person (because he’s the father of my baby and the custody situation is all fucked yo right now) & it feels pointless running at times for that reason.. but this isn’t living. This isn’t surviving. This is a lucid NIGHTMARE that I just can’t wake up from..
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