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[tash-in-situ]

Your fat body is not a placeholder for a "better" you. It IS you. And you deserve love and respect NOW.

[tash-in-situ]

Big Fat Fear

When I was 17, I lost 17kgs in a 3-month span by consuming only 800 calories a day and striving to keeping my body in ketosis.

Going over old photos filled me with horror. I would use them for comparison making sure I was smaller than before. Every morning I would step on the scales and if the numbers hadn't dropped I was filled with disappointment. The compliments I received only made me want to become smaller and smaller, as it was obvious to me that being tiny meant I was worthy of praise and of love.

As a child, I was constantly reminded of my weight, teased at school and forced into exercise by family all while being fed the extra’s from their plates. Recently when I called my grandparents, my grandpa asked me if I had done anything to slim down, I felt he believed being overweight to be a flaw and a failure to my family.

I should be able to enjoy my body in any shape or size, however, the difficulty is how I am seen because of my body. As a fat person I am considered maternal, cuddly and a source of comfort (I never linked myself to the concept of youth) or I'm seen as a fetish and asked to smother guys on tinder.

By changing my diet and finding delight in physical activities to improve my health, I am scared that the result might be weight loss, which will start a cycle of self-dislike. I am aware that my insecurities will wane, yet the fact is that these insecurities only exist because I have been taught to be insecure about them.

My double chin, back rolls, wide thighs and tummy - I cherish and appreciate them as part of myself and equally wish they didn’t exist. I'm trying to be kind to the part of me that believes I should shed the extra weight to be deemed more attractive. This has been a struggle for me for over 18 years.

Throughout this period, my body has been through many stages all the while my main fear being that I wouldn’t be loved. If I could have a fresh start I would erase the idea that thinness equates, respect and good health, and that to be deemed unhealthy is sinful and amoral.

My aim is to prosper. I desire vitality. I want to be kind to myself. I don't want an external standard to determine my self-image or how I live my life. I want to be liberated from fear.I want to keep looking in the reflection and behold all of my Self, not only my physical form. Because I and all people are much more than just our bodies, more than flesh and muscle wrapped around bone.

Of course don't have to be constantly in love with your body, all the time. I find the Body Positive movement has become superficial and generic, pushing a message of 'You can also be attractive!' (As if beauty somehow makes you more of a valid human, rightful in your existence) when it's not even about that. Fat Liberationist theory states 'I deserve to be treated with respect, I EXIST, I am worthy of proper medical care, I am meaningful a part of society’

Instead of attempting to overlook and push away my insecure parts, I am now endeavoring to be kind to them and explore the reasons why they exist and why they cause me so much suffering. Most of the time, these insecurities are the result of a system that seeks to marginalize, degrade, and shame EVERY body. In doing this I can recognise my own programming and comprehend that I have been conforming to an ideal which is incompatible with my own values.

I try self care. caring for the injured parts, understanding the ache. Reassuring my inner child who is beginning to hate their ever changing body, becoming my own advocate. Recalling all the times I opted not to do something due to being embarrassed of myself, not wanting to be seen; and now running into those opportunities, smiling wide in photos, not caring because fuck’em I’m going to take up space and I AM going to have fun.

Love & Power,

Tash

Resources:

https://msmagazine.com/2019/10/18/the-feminist-history-of-fat-liberation/

https://www.dazeddigital.com/beauty/article/56384/1/the-radical-history-of-the-queer-fat-liberation-movement

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/wellness/healthy-bmi-obesity-race-/2021/05/04/655390f0-ad0d-11eb-acd3-24b44a57093a_story.html