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[tc-stickerz]

Dear Amberlynne.

Amber. Misstall even. "Monarch" of her own life lolol. Bet ure surprised to see this aren't you? After all I put it really out of the way. There is a method yknow? I need a way to send a letter. But i don't want you to see it. I need you to have even the smallest chance of seeing it eventually. For my heart to have enough hope to manage. But i can't actually send it to you. The small amount of dignity I've scrounged together these last few years couldn't take it. So this is the solution I've come up with. You won't ever read this thank goodness. But the chance is literally greater then 0. So here we are lol

Another reason I don't want to send this to you is because I lied to you in my last message. At the time I was telling the truth mind you. But as you know, I can fall to arrogance on occasion. Even now. The majority of it is still true. But doesn't work that way. Resolving to do better and be better is good and all. But some days you have to acknowledge that it's going to be worse too. If that makes sense. That's what encouraged me to write this. I had a bad day

I used to write these alot more in the past. But not to you. Sometimes the feelings get to much and I need the outlet and I would write to a loved one that I miss the most. It was once islandmai. But once his email account started sending errors I stopped. I'm not sure if he is alive. If he blocked me. If his account is deleted. I admit I love the idea of him more then the memory. Because there isn't much of it left. That was 18 years ago when I fucked that one up.

Then I wrote them to Sam for a short while. But I remember even left. My poor grape. I can't remember if you are a figment of my imagination or not. But ive grown to love the image of you in my head regardless.

Then the whole Dave thing happened. I wrote him for a while. Up until I got news that he had killed himself. I'm going to be writing him a letter eventually. For all times sake. For the feelings that need out. But for now I hope you can read this in hell. And know that even now I can't stop loving you either. You utter piece of garbage.

And then I stopped. Kinda. I pursued different outlets. Went to therapy. I started having my own support structure. It was built on lies. And hatred. And most of all envy. But it was the path I chose. And I deserve the consequences. I don't argue that amber. But today was a bad day. And more then anyone else, I missed you. So I wrote you a letter. I hope you blocked my emails. But im not sending this one directly to you regardless. So it doesnt matter.

Remember when I promised to be there when dog died. I think about it sometimes. I wasn't there because you wouldn't have let me. But it was my fault for ending up in that situation anyways. I wish I was there for you at that time. And all the other times you needed support but I wasn't. Whether it was due to envy. Or hatred. Or cowardice. I wasn't there. And even worse, I was sometimes the person you needed support to deal with yourself. Instead of being the support for more important things.

Do you remember the abuse I handed down on you? Thankfully never physical or sexual abuse. But the emotional abuse is sometimes the worst of it all. And you put up with it from me. For years. Long enough to make me depend on it atleast. Why was I so angry? So hateful? I know the answer now. Through alot of reflection and therapy. But I doubt you care. Regardless of the reasons, they aren't valid excuses.

I'm not sure if you were aware. That week I stayed there with you. Inflicting my presence on you in person for a while. Neglecting you in person for a while. To change up the pace I guess. One morning your father pulled me to the side. And he said something to the effect of "I know you've been sneaking into my daughter's room at night. Don't lie to me. I'm not going to do anything about it yet. But stop" now this terrified me. And even more, I felt guilt. Because the truth of the matter is, I didn't once sneak in your room at night. Should I have? Even as teenagers I knew I was sexually neglecting you. Mostly because we weren't compatible in that context. I was to hateful and unstable to be attracted to you romantically. I still tried regardless. But it wasn't until that confrontation with your father came to pass that I saw it. And then I still pretended after that anyways. For a few different reasons. But again, reasons. Not excuses. They don't fucking matter. I think your father assumed and accused me. But I was to far out of his context I think. That makes sense right? Lol

I loved you. I love you still. Platonically. Not in a romantic sense. You were my best friend. Through some of my roughest times. We pivoted it into something romantic. But we were stupid unaware teenagers. Lessons learned right? You were my support for some of the roughest parts of my life. And I betrayed that. Did you feel guilty when you heard I attempted suicide? I genuinely don't remember the order of events of that Era that well. But I hope you didn't even hear about it. I hope you grew to hate me for the lesser stuff. I accept that I probably traumatized you with that if you did hear about it. Who knows how you feel about it now but I figured I would atleast say that it wasn't your fault. You weren't even the largest factor. I had been pretending to go to college for a while. I got away with one semester. But at the end of the second semester that was coming up I had completely skipped every class. And every assignment. Every quiz, test, homework assignment. Etc. The grades were going to be released soon. And I had hard labor that I was obligated to do the next morning. And I was to depressed. So I swallowed all the pills. And my fat ass survived as you can see. Genuinely, you were a contributing factor. But even if your support was there instead of gone, the result was probably going to be the same.

I resented you at first. The arrogance was still manifesting. I hate that past me so much. You weren't the only relationship I threw away. Amber is a name in a long list of others. People I've betrayed. Neglected. Abused. Till they turned away from me. All my fault of course. And it isn't until many years later that I could see the burnt bridges behind for miles and miles. Some worse then others. Yours being amongst the worst atrocities I committed. Maybe not morally. But it was one of the worst crimes I committed against myself. I've desperately missed you and your company for years now. Amongst others. I don't think you could compare to the memory of island. Or the trauma of David. But you are the most real. Because your still actually alive. I could message your grandparents, or your father, or even you right now.

But you made it clear. You want me to fuck off. And genuinely, good on you. It hurts. A whole lot. But you don't deserve my bullshit to be inflicted on you again. The strength required is enormous. But I do have enough dignity to not stalk you on the internet. And fall deeper into my own feelings on the matter. Which brings us to today.

You won't believe who I met today. You remember Matt? I'm actually still friends with the guy. And I was traveling to Atlanta to see a concert lol. And I had the opportunity to meet the guy irl for the first time. Weve been friends since 2008 lol! It was a cool opportunity. We sat around and chatted. Family to family. I got to handle his pet snakes. So adorable. And then we went to the concert. Carr (I'm a new fan). Royal the serpent (was kinda meh but I really appreciated her song about inclusion). Bring me the horizon (was the reason I wanted to go and was absolutely amazing to see). And fallout boy (the performance was amazing but I liked their music less the more I hear it. And I've heard them alot).

Now the concert was was in the plans for months. We got tickets as soon as I heard about. I went with mom, falon, and falons boyfriend. We were first going to take some psychedelics. Some shrooms to enjoy the experience. But we decided a couple of weeks ago that we were going to experiment with X instead. Ecstacy. Basically my first "hardcore" drug. I was looking forward to it. The other 3 reacted fine. Had fun. I had a bad reaction. And it caused me to backtrack for a while. Not terribly mind you. I maintained. But ill describe what I felt.

It started cool. The colors and sounds was a bit intense and I was enjoying that. Soon I was really enjoying breathing for a while. Idk why. Drugs are like that. Then it felt like I mentally regressed back to those years. Where I was playing pretend with you. Me before the therapy. And the medication management. And years of positive changes and adulthood. I was 18 again before I made any of the progress i made this last decade. I was dragged back to my youth in the worst way possible. I was hyper aware of anything and everything that triggered bad shit in me. Usually im fine. I internalize it and take it with me to therapy later that week. It was to intense this time. My coping skills were stripped away. And there was so much around me that triggered this evil shit in me again.

If I was still christian, I would think im the manifestation of envy on this planet. I look around and I can only see things I want. Aspects of people I am desperate for myself. Because I could never be happy with just myself. Everyone else always had it better. I outgrew alot of that with age. Making it to nearly 30 teaches you some things. Just because that's how time and consciousness works. (Sorry I'm still a little high. And very tired. I doubt any of this is coherent. And fuck proofreading) but at this moment when I looked around me and saw all the things I could want but never have. Everywhere. Times 100. The heartache returned. I could wax poetic for a while about the nature and feeling of heartache but I suspect it's either something you have felt before or haven't.

I couldn't talk. If I did I would sob. And ruining my families time was the last thing I wanted. They were already worried. But luckily they didn't understand the depth of the issues I was dealing with. But I maintained. I'm good at locking down like that. I can freeze with the best. Not show anything on my face. And just be quiet. Suffering quietly is a specialty of mine. Painstakingly earned. But another skill I learned more recently is to acknowledge when you need help and have a support structure in place if needed. My go to being my best friend (my mom and sister) were out of bounds. I couldn't talk at the time. And it was to important to not ruin their night. This crippling pain was temporary. My support system came to the rescue. Brittany distracted me with tales of her new mop. Naomi assured me of my validity and reminded me of my humanity. Matt assured me I wasn't alone. And trey stuck with me for a while and let me incoherently rant via text about how broken I was. The mvp. More then any of them tho I missed you Amber.

This crippling moment of weakness brought about by reckless drug experimentation and being in an environment with nothing but triggers. The friends I still have. The ones I managed to save from myself lol. They kept me grounded. And I recovered. Tired. Inspired. Self hatred at the highest its been in years. I wanted nothing more but for you to be supporting me again with them. I didn't deserve it at all. But its what I wanted. And so im here writing my first letter in many years. I hope you find it. And come back into my life. In this moment of weakness, its my greatest wish. And its not even one that I have the strength to voice. A display of how weak I am. I've always been. I'll be better in the morning. Emotionally. It'll be a new day. And I'll continue my march. As I'm forced to. I'll still hope for you. Just enough to protect myself. But thank goodness, realistically, you will be spared of my bullshit. Because how would you find this?

Remember when I mocked you for the control scheme you used in wow? I thought myself superior because I was an elite pvm player. Raiding nights with other friends never compared to the times you and I just chatted. I know why I acted like that. Therapy and self reflection. I know myself. But it doesn't matter anymore. Reasons can't be excuses in this context.

Remember how I mocked you for your music taste? I wish I had gotten to know it better. I listen to alot of different things these days. Alot of genres. But mostly still emo like I did back then. I wish I had the opportunity to discuss these things with you now. A friendly chat where we debate the pros and cons of our mutual playlists. I want to see what you listen to now so that I can learn more about you.

Remember how I mocked you for liking Shakespeare? I still don't like his stories. But I can't say I'm actually that familiar with him anyways. But why would a difference in opinion so minor lead to me mocking you? Why was I so angry and arrogant? I know those things about myself now. More then anything I wish we were close enough that you could ask me about it. And you genuinely cared. And we could talk about it. Discussions on psychology and philosophy. But that was a timeline carelessly dashed by a very unstable brat. The worst person on the planet. For me atleast. And I sincerely hope that I wasn't a large enough figure in your life for you to feel the same. Even if I deserve it.

Remember when we were in bed together that one night? In the hotel room? You put my arm around you. A clear invitation to cuddle. Which I was never good at during that period of time. In retrospect, you were obviously insecure. As was I. At the time tho, it was a bright enough message for me to even understand. I just valued my comfort over your ego. I knew there was nothing sexual about it. Human contact was something you craved. And was reasonably expected at that stage in our relationship. I still turned away. Why? If you read this far, you will know how ill respond to that.

One time during a Skype call we were discussing why I didn't make more of an effort to sexually pursue you. I don't remember alot of the conversation. I remember being severely annoyed at it. I pretended it was ignorance and insecurities that stopped me. Because even if it was ignorance and insecurity, it was of a completely different nature then you would think. Or maybe you would. You were always smart. But I doubt you would have guessed. I asked for you to take your clothes off on camera for me. It was something neither of us wanted but both of us assumed we were supposed to at that point. But im glad you had the maturity to say no. I was a good actor during those days. Just not good at playing the very long con. I lost my silver tongue since tho. Apathy gets in the way. Something I struggle with regularly. I only used it as a weapon for harm tho. So good riddance.

I bet if we walked past each other in public, we wouldn't recognize each other. It's been a decade after all. Hard to imagine. Atleast for me. A decade. And I still am capable of loving you so deeply. I know I look massively different these days though. I've left hints in the story above. But I doubt it's even comprehensible. I've worked on summing up my experiences to a short tldr: trans child (due to nature or nurture who knows? But both definitely contribute) struggles with growing up in a southern baptist community and a string of abusive masculine figures. Resorting to anger and privilege I actively worked to harm other peoples egos. Alot of it was motivated by envy. I knew that part. It wasn't until 25 when I started accepting those aspects of myself that I would even hear about things like gender dysphoria. Or that sexuality could be something more then straight, gay, or bi. And that all of it is valid despite the religious indoctrination I was raised in.

I did alot of evil shit. Some of it to you. Amber. And I regret it. Even more, I actively resent that portion of my life. And I miss you. Alot. And tbh that probably isn't even you now. It's the you of 2010. The you preserved in my memories. But the idea of you is still so fucking beautiful and tragic.

Do you remember the day you messaged me? Randomly? I was flying over deepwind gorge. I had no clue at the time that we would have such a tragic adventure together. I was in the air over deepwind gorge on the day we met. I was in the air flying to the timeless isle when you broke up with me. So many years apart.

Fml I hope you are doing well. You sounded resentful when you told me to fuck off in that email. I sincerely hope that it was aimed at me. I hope life has been kind to you. I hope you made it this far without being as broken and jaded as me. I hope you have a new dog that you love a whole lot and I hope they love you too. I hope your scary father and you still get along. I hope you still listen to old 70s music. And still play spore on occasion. Or other rpgs. I hope you are happy the majority of the time. I hope you found someone and you fell in love if thats what you want. I hope you are successful in your career. I hope you haven't experienced any pain since we talked last. I hope I get to talk to you again one day. I hope you will never have to deal with the bullshit or the memories I inflicted on you ever again. I hope that I was a much smaller part of your life then you ended up being in mine. I hope you read this and get in touch. I hope you never read this and it all stops here. I hope this monster of a letter is an incomprehensible mess to anyone who tries to read it. A drugged up speech on trauma and human nature that no one gets. I hope someone reads it and gets some sort of value from it, the distorted ramblings of an occasionally broken human.

Maybe ill write again to you here. But I hope the cracks don't grow enough for me want to. Regardless what the future holds though:

Love,

Stickerz