teardrops-in-my-eyes

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it's amazing how when i'm an active agent in my life good things happen and i feel capable and confident in myself and when i just passively let life happen to me terrible things happen and i am miserable. surely no one else has ever noticed this tendency

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Of course... I do love you. Isn't that how you've made me?

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once again my whole life feels like it's all a dream, but now its a good dream and I'm scared I'm going to wake up

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i am meant to love

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DEAR DOBERMAN

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my partner said something that kinda rocked my world

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i wish there was a way to talk about the tiredness/wearing down that comes from disability. i don't mean fatigue in the usual physical sense. i mean like the way that you kinda always have to be on the clock when you're disabled. like every day involves managing and micromanaging aspects of your health. tracking symptoms, taking meds, getting up, getting food, getting washed. like it doesn't become easier. people say that when something becomes a habit it happens automatically and becomes easier to do because you don't have to actively choose to start and carry out that task everyday. there's no proper downtime when you're disabled because even if you have to do something daily, nothing we do ever becomes easy. every task feels like it's being done for the first time again. it always takes mental, physical, amd emotional energy. to do everything. every day. not only disability related tasks, but any single task that even abled people have to do. and it kinda wears you down. makes you tired. in a long term way that never really stops, because if you stop doing the things that are exhausting you'll just die because every single aspect of living is exhausting

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im like if a girl had her personhood amputated as she was forming

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it feels like my mum's anniversary has revealed how close everyone really is to me. I previously thought I had so many close friends and partners and yet none of them were there on the day I needed someone most. I can't help but feel like I've misjudged all my relationships, and all these people who I thought were so close just see me as someone they vaguely know

oh my god i'm so lonely

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don't date until you get your emotional issues figured out don't bother your friends with all your issues you should never be anything but your perfect and easily digestible self around others and if you can't do that just go to therapy and if you can't or don't want to go to therapy then just suffer alone and in silence we'd rather you fall apart at the seams than ever make anyone around you temporarily inconvenienced or uncomfortable. and btw we care about your mental health :)

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One of the weirdest thing about growing up suicidal is that you assume you have no future, you don’t even try to envision it because you see no point. So eventually, you start assuming everyone else sees nothing in your future either. Recently, my friend and I were talking and she said something about how at her wedding I could wear a suit or a dress as long as it matched her bridesmaid’s dresses because the butler of honor has to make a good impression. This hit me so hard because I had never realized before how other people thought about me. She said it so casually like it wasn’t even a hard decision, just a given fact. She loves me so much she saw me at her wedding, standing with her on one of the most important days of her life. And you know what? There are so many people who think about you that way. If that isn’t proof that you should keep going I don’t know what is.

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transfem who dramatically flinches whenever you accidentally touch her skin: oh don’t worry about me i don’t need any love or attention, i’m fine. i’m fine.