teebaby1990

[teebaby1990]

ugh.. I don't even know.. my brain is a mess. I have all these thoughts.. all these questions. all this pain. I don't even know how to go about sorting the shit show of my emotions. I don't know what good even putting them on paper will do.. I feel like I would be writing for the rest of my life. I am dealing with several different conodrums.. My ex of 5 years.. who manipulated me into thinking that she was finally ready to grow up and get her shit together for us.. that text me and said she was going to be the person I deserved and she wanted to get down on one knee and ask my hand in marriage, for the second time.. to then 2 weeks later finding out she was with her bi coworker who had 6 kids and was just married to a dude.. But hey, as long as she is happy. She was ready to get her shit together and a job, it just wasn't for me.. mind you she was taking me on dates, fucking me and sleeping in my bed. conveniently one day her phone did an update and deleted thousands of photos off her phone.. several days before she stopped talking to me.. I felt so bad like she lost her photos and what not... No stupid me lol.. She was preparing for a clean slate with this chick.. they obviously had been talking a lot longer than I was aware of.. and that's fine. She is just the next victim..

Dated a chick for a month or so in between me and the ex's breakup #174982965. The chick was rad. Fit, adventurous, sweet, loving.. everything that I was searching for and didn't get with my prior ex. One month in and I was head over heels. Clearly still coming down from a dopemine high.. I realized that I was in no condition to go down this road with anyone... I had just given 5 years of my life to the person I thought I was going to marry... I had nothing to give myslef let alone someone else..

the ex I dated for the month, her and I tried to be friends... I made my boundaries very clear and where I stood... yet every few days I would get angry text messages guilt tripping me..they text me and said they couldnt handle being friends with me. So we cut all ties.. I randomly would get Tik Tok messages just small talk. I get a message tonight saying they have no expectations when it comes to me, that I'm crazy, I'm hot and cold & I need help... Im so confused.. they text me and say they cant be my friend... we stop talking.. yet now suddenly I need help because they didnt respect my boundaries? I just cant win.. I feel so defeated.

My mom.. God where do I even start. my head hurts. I feel like there is just to much to even try and express, it wouldnt do any good.. I just feel like I am working so hard on communication and boundaries with people... yet I'm not respected when it comes to that. I am constantly made to feel like I'm in the wrong.

[teebaby1990]

Can I find a successful loving Lesbian out there?

I just want to be loved...I have so much to give... & I'm so tired of being tricked and giving it to those who don't deserve it.

[teebaby1990]

So I'm gay.. obviously hard for me to just have a "child".. You have to plan more, it cost more, you have multiple steps you have to go through to have/carry a child.. I'm 33 almost 34.

My little brother, 27 was blessed with a beautiful daughter a few months ago.. him & his gf. They don't have the greatest relationship, who does.. but then I find out tonight he asked her to marry him..

I guess I'm just sad...

[teebaby1990]

[teebaby1990]

“I’ve found that growing up means being honest. About what I want. What I need. What I feel. Who I am.”

— Epiphany

[teebaby1990]

[teebaby1990]

Finally learning how to love myself

[teebaby1990]

[teebaby1990]

[teebaby1990]

[teebaby1990]

I. Miss. You.

Every day...

[teebaby1990]

i can't escape this low i've fallen to

[teebaby1990]

“You are not stuck where you are unless you decide to be.”

— Wayne Dyer

[teebaby1990]

The last few days have been rough... but looking back I feel like everyday has been rough lately.. I miss you Bentley. EVERY FUCKING DAY!! & the regret I have for being so shitty to you at times, eats me alive.. I cry, almost daily. I hate my life yet u refuse to do anything about it.. works been shitty. 14-16hr shifts.. taking care of old people who are absolutely terrible, not all of them...Today one of them tried to take me out with her walker, tried to scratch me and hurt me.. another resident jumped in to try and have my back.. Every morning I pray.. I talk to Bentley, I give my thanks and Affirmations. I try and put good positive vibes out there.. and yet every day just seems to be worse than the last.. I feel like I'm being punished.. so after a long shift of torture I come home to take a hot shower... but my shower head handle decided to snap and spray/soak everything.. I just sat there with this exploded shower hose and sobbed.. My heart just constantly hurts... I'm in this back & forth relationship that's going on 4 years, with more bad days than good... I'm living in an awesome home yet haven't had our lease renewed so every month I'm stressed she's going to boot us or increase the rent drastically. It seems like whatever I pray for the opposite seems to happen.. I have a job that sucks my soul.. I honestly have no joy in life.. I wake up, go to work, come home, go to sleep, wake up and do it all over again.. Bentley I treated you like absolute shit at times and I am SO SO SO FUCKING SORRY... you were the only thing that brought me joy... you were so patient with me always... you were stuck in hell with me through how many terrible relationships.. it wasn't fair to you.. I didnt deserve you... I honestly think about how peaceful it would be to down a bottle of sleep aid and just come join you.. but I won't. I have my mom, my family.. id never leave them. I'm just fucking exhausted... absolutely fucking exhausted. I'm the heaviest I've been, disgusted with myself and my body... Get I hurt every day from working... So I dont make it into the gym. I just found out I have a Herniated disc in my back & need surgery. Like I can afford to be out of work.. its just always something.

[teebaby1990]

Have you ever tried talking to someone with tears in your eyes... and they look right past you... You're not yelling, you're not screaming.. they text you something, you come up to talk face to face yet they pretend you're not there..that they can't hear you or see you..

So you start to lose your shit.. you start raising your voice, you slide a picture frame from the wall.... you feel like a ghost so you do something to get a reaction...you end up looking crazy as fuck.

[teebaby1990]

🖤.

[teebaby1990]

How many nights a week do you cry?

Just wondering how broken I am..