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teenagersdiary · 2 years

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A diary note, 31 Dec 2021, Hectic but good

Date: 31 Dec 2021

Subject: Hectic but good

From today onwards i going to write every bit of task and value I achieved in the whole day. Also I will write all the things that I learned and don't want to forget or any event which was pretty significant in my life.

Soon I am going to blog every bit of it as it is on some good platform so that I can reach out people and also I can store all my knowledge and experiences in that particular blog. Also I want to build a habit of diary management.

Today as usual my day started out around 8 am. I have a set of alarms for waking me up before 7 but I am too lazy so I usually snooze them and sleep again. My parents and brother say that to me everyday that why do you even set such an unpleasant alarm if you never wake up accordingly, but to be honest I am too lazy to even switch it off. I promise myself everyday that I will wake up with the alarm and then go for a jogging or workout, maybe meditation but I never do that.

Since yesterday i have been attending an startup related workshop in my college. Since I have a very volatile commitments so I always had a moving career objective but every time I look at my goals I see that those need a lot of money. Actually the thing is I want to revolutionise certain sectors in the Indian market and community. Like i want everyone to be aware of the good content available worldwide. I want to change the whole perception regarding formal education. I want Indian cities like jaipur, Delhi and others to become 24hr functioning cities i.e. I want to introduce nightlife in india. I also want India to become 0 carbon emission. I want to do farming, grow a forest.

All these things require a lot of money. I want to make education free for all and accessible to all. Also I want to make sure the future of India is well educated, not just book-ish but also practical education.

So this brings me to the solution and only way to earn money on large scale, I.e. business. Now I know business is a lot harder than I think but even if that happens it is the only way to my goal. Today I asked Shri Ramcharitmanas if I should be involved in startup. It answered with a perfect yes and also to the question that if I should continue the placement preparation along with it, it answered a perfect yes(though i believe that is because god knows how vulnerable I am to target shifting).

So to counter my weakness of Conviction I have decided to write a diary daily. I will also make sure I go for jogging tomorrow. I have prepared a time table with 4 habits that I want to inculcate in myself. Also I will make sure I follow all these habits because if I am able to change my habits than I am done with half of my personality development. Also this will boost my confidence and I will also improve upon my health and will be able to complete my tasks to be accomplished in a well managed manner.

I think I should close this for now because I think it's better to sleep now as it will help me wake up early in the morning.

Bye! See ya.

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teenagersdiary · 2 years

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A diary note, 25 Nov 2021, Redemption(Story I wanted)

Date: 25 Nov 2021

Subject: Redemption(Story I wanted)

"So in exchange i shall take away one thing you wanted most in your life", unknown voice.

-I am not sure where to start but I guess We were brothers to begin with and don't brothers always care for each other. Isn't that right Boni.

-(Sarcastic)Don't call yourself an equal of mine, you aren't capable of anything, big brother.

-Than let me make this clear to you, we were and shall be brothers until my last breath.

Back then I never thought things would ever go this way, to be honest I wasn't concerned for even a bit about what happens after.

I was born in a world where peace and tranquility was a part of our daily lives. My parents were not poor but you won't call that rich either. A year after my birth, mother had another child, a boy.

During my childhood i was a brat who won't listen to reason whatsoever happens. But my bother was always at my side no matter what I did. I loved him more than anyone in this world, we played together, slept together ate together. But i guess it was my fault things went his way cause I left him on his own.

We were really good at studies, but because I was older to him I went to school first. I started meeting new people and in a few days I got a ton of new friends. My days were running smooth, or so I thought. I started coming late at home. My whole day went with my friends and I never gave a thought about my brother. But still he never once looked unhappy when I came home. It looked as if to him nothing ever happened. My mother used to worry about me because I came late but due time she too made peace with it. But somehow the peace or happiness on Boni's face looked fake.

Oh, I guess I never introduced the main characters of my story, I am Nonu and my brother's name is Boni, these aren't our actual names but those don't suit our personality so we kept these names. My father's name is Josiah Ackerman and my Mother's name is Jayce Ackerman. Our family is basically agricultural dependent for income. We own quite a good amount of Land and We our produce exceeds most of the farmers in the village. I used to think that made us rich but the truth is We barely made through out expenses. Because of his gentle nature my father used to help a lot of people who had a need of money or supplies and doing that barely left anything for us to save or collect. So that is what I meant when I said We weren't rich either. But for the good side of it that made my father and our family a really respected one in the village. We had quite a reputation for being generous throughout the province of Salvador.

I went to the Sharda School of science and magic. Yes we have magic here but it's more like a science of how to manipulate our chakra energy into doing different kinds of magical deeds. We call these magical deed or techniques through simple wordings which seem simple but actually take a lot of practice to call upon even one of the techniques. The wordings are called mantra.

Our school doesn't have any social status or caste boundaries, anyone with enough money to pay the fee is welcome and at the school using our family names is prohibited. This makes the students with low social status feel safe and the teaching free of discrimination. The teachers at our school are well trained and knowledgeable at their specific chakra manipulation.

Everyone can manipulate the least of one and at most 3 chakras. To verify a child's chakra dominance a test is conducted during our first year. The test is in the form of a daily assignments and examinations. These check for our behaviour and response in certain situations and how we act in our daily lives. Its more like a personality judgement, because every chakra point denotes a certain personality trait.

There are seven major chakra points. All the chakra points respond to our mental state and the dominance of any chakra over the other reflects our behaviour and personality. Say, if you have a nice appetite and sleep then the solar plexus chakra is dominant, if you have a crazy nature than your crown chakra is dominant, if you have a lot of desires than your sacral chakra is dominant, if you dont worry about the future your third eye chakra is dominant, if you always feel low on energy than your root chakra is dominant, if you are emotionally unstable than your heart chakra is dominant and if you are low on confidence and decision making than you have a dominant throat chakra.

The test results were quite far away as it was the first month in school and the magic affinity test come after the annual exam that is if we pass the science exams we get to learn magic.

As i told you earlier its a school of science and magic. And magic is secondary here because it's not like we can produce flames if we don't know how to make fire in the first place. So the study of science teaches how we can make something with something, magic makes things a bit more easier to be frankly speaking off. And therefore we first have to clear the science tests first.

But did i really care about that, to be honest not in the slightest. I wandered off with my friends around the school and played in the ground. What all can you expect from a 9 year old. I had no clue things were so complicated. I don't know what to call them now but those days my classmates did a good one on me and complained to the homeroom teacher about how I was never present in the class. The teacher didn't took them seriously in the starting but when the first academic test results came out it turned out I failed all the subjects.

"Mr. Liam I don't think that you understand this but you have failed I almost every test and this makes you ineligible for being promoted to the next year but because of the Board of magical educations policy your promotion won't be stopped but still you have to give the magic affinity test with the first year students."

Well it might not sound bad but it really is the worst that can happen with me because I had to give tests alongside my younger brother who is in first year. My friends who used to wander alongside me didn't fail, because it turned out they used to study at home while they provoked me to play instead. Now while they shall be enjoying the half year holiday I shall study science so as to pass the tests.

"You don't need to study these stupid subjects, these are for peasantry minds", they always said. I was as foolish as they come.

"Brother you need to stop wandering around and study instead or you will fail", Bony always said that when I came home late.

"I don't need to study those subjects, those are for the people with less IQ. I can clear the exams without studying them, don't worry about me. And when you came to the school I shall guide you as your senior", I replied(laughing). Well the reality did hit hard on me.

When I came home and told my parents about my result they went furious about it and i was lectured for line half a day for this. My stipend was reduced to half, and I was subjected to a daily torture in the form of painful and sarcastic comments about my future. To my misery added was my brother's excellence at studies, he was at the top of his class in every subject and was even recommended to be tested early for the magic affinity alongside those who failed the science exams so that he can study magic earlier than others of his age at the special magic classes during the summer break. The day came and all the losers from the second year sat to give the science tests in a hope to pass so that they can learn magic I sat there with low self esteem alongside my brother to protect my remaining respect from being lost in the void.

"You shall pass with flying colours", said my parents who until now were torturing me and comparing my achievements to Boni's.

But my sweet little(not too little by the way) brother never said anything to me about my failure instead he motivated me to work hard and prove myself in the coming test.

The test was over and the results came a week later. As expected Boni topped the test and I barely made through it. But at last it was time for me to test my magic affinity alongside Boni.

The test were to be conducted during the last week of the April, 2 days after the results of the exam.

First day, the test was a 200 meters climb upside a hill.

Seems a lot but I and Boni used to ascend more than that when were just seven so it was just the three of the students who could make it. Alongside us one more named Edmund. He actually ascended earlier than we brothers could ever do it.

I went and congratulated him on being the first one to reach the top.

He replied, " Oh! It was nothing, our village is situated on a mountain so we have to ascend and descend twice this on a daily basis to meet our daily needs. I bet you can never beat me due to the level of workout I do."

-Well that sure is a lot of hard work. But I bet big brother wasn't using his full strength. At his full power he can beat you in a blink.

- Is that really the case Liam, your younger brother sure does talk big about you.

- Oh! No, no, no. He's just you know...

- I am not bragging or anything but even I can defeat you, let alone big brother.

- Then its a deal, you and I shall compete for who the best is and if I defeat you, you shall accept that I am stronger than your brother.

- We really don't need to do that, do we, Boni.

- Oh, we sure do, and remember Edmund, you accept the subordinance to my brother once i beat you.

-DEAL!!

This is what I really was worried about. I don't know If I can defeat this guy but for Boni winning this is more or like a dream. But I really can't do much about it now but i still have 6 days before this happens. I'll rest easy until then.

Day 2, The test of desires

Day 3, The test of hunger

Day 4, The test of love

Day 5, The test of Conviction

Day 6, the test of Sight

Day 7, the test of Wisdom

Coming up in the story , are the results of the tests.(turns out Boni has the rarest of all magic affinities, the Third eye and Crown chakra along with the Sacral Chakra. Nonu too gets a rare combinations of all the heart , solar plexus, throat chakra and root chakra. Yes the foolish one has a legendary 4th chakra dominance). Boni changes abruptly after the results come out [( being a prodigy only after a little training his third eye chakra gets Aligned with the crown chakra and he gets a shocking revelation in his dreams, he remembers his previous life, the past and future are revealed to him and he remembers why he came to this world in the first place) and obviously this is for the me to remember, because this revelation shall be done in the very end]. The students start training magic and studying science simultaneously. Both brothers study in different classes. Boni starts to get indulged in some shady activities. Due to his crown chakra proficiency he is able to learn quickly how to manage and align the other chakras. He considers the school worthless for him and therefore leaves the school. Boni tries to stop him but he refuses to do so by saying that there is no more he can learn here and this school has no value for his genius.

Nonu never meets Boni again as he left the house as he has a fight with some village men and he seriously injures a lot of them in anger. The villagemen indebted to his father complain to his father about what he did. Boni belittles the villagers upon being enquired about it by father and upon listening to that, he slaps him and orders him to never show his face again.

Boni leaves the house that very instant. Mother being a healer heals all the injured and after the incident starts crying. Nonu decides to stop Boni and follows him but even though had a higher speed couldn't track him. He couldn't be found anywhere.

Time passes and within 2 years Nonu manages to get his root chakra aligned with the heart chakra(immense physical prowess along with the healing). Also he can proficiently use the electricity, and fire elemental magic that come along throat and solar plexus chakra and due to his family traits his chakra traits are enhanced upto double the original powers.

He now has some new friends. They all too have rare magic affinities and are proficient in the elemental magic. Friend names( friend 1, friend 2, friend 3).

Boni returns, he has some bad news for the village as he brought with him a group of people who want to capture the Salvador region. Boni starts the assault with the group Beezlebub.

Nonu tries to stop him but Boni doesn't listen.

They both battling each other but Boni overpowers Nonu and Nonu gets unconscious. The forced form the Salvador capital arrive to save the villagers but they too are overpowered. A hero steps in. Named Levi Arthur. He stops the rampaging group until only Boni intervenes. Boni gives Levi a good fight and than Nonu steps in. Nonu starts glowing. Boni tries to punch him but Nonu throws him in the Sky. Nonu tells Levi to manage the others while he handles Boni. Nonu flies in the Sky with a sonic boom and gets a hold on Boni and throws him down. Boni hits the ground and a big shock wave is generated. Nonu comes down. Boni comes out of the hole caused in the ground unscathed and laughs villainously. Says that finally at last someone who could injure me even though it was just a scratch. Never knew that the someone would come as my own brother. At last I can fight at my full strength.

[Scene 1 from the story resumes.]

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teenagersdiary · 2 years

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A diary note, 27 Oct 2021, Not In the mood

Date: 27 Oct 2021

Subject: Not In the mood

So it's been quite sometime since I have come to write but you know, for me to write here there has to be something wrong in my life or someone has to annoy me so bad that I come here to write. All the things I wrote previously were the result of my sudden philosophical thinking due to my anger and deep thought process. So since then nothing has happened until now that has caused me pain. Although things did happen bit none of them wounded my heart except for the Dandiya Night. The day of dandiya night I was deeply regretting my decision of coming to a party as for a person like me I can't stand people. I like to rely on a someone wherever I go. If I go to family functions I prefer talking my mind to Chinmay. I would have wrote that if I go somewhere with friends but to be honest I have not faced any situation where I go somewhere with friends. I mostly went for swimming or eating but we never went somewhere to socialise. So thing is I am a very bad at socialising. Its not as if I can't talk to people, it's more like I can't talk to strangers or people I have met once or twice. I have more like a fear of socialising. This is the only reason I consider myself incapable of doing business. I am more like a person who can give speeches(of course I fear but I can bear that much) and presentations but when it comes to talking to people I barely know I am at a loss. I can't even say hi or introduce myself. And although I said I can give speeches, I can barely stand my ground. I have tried and done everything an introvert would never do, like I have acted in plays, I have performed at functions, I have been a class clown for long but still I can't figure out how I can talk to those whom I have never met before. Although there are exceptions like, elderly people, children, people who initiate the talk and sexually repulsive girls(I know its hard and makes me a sexist but it's the truth).

Inability to socialise wasn't the only thing that was hurting me. I felt like sidelined when interacting with my classmates, I don't know the reason for that but seems like I don't make a good impression. Also it felt like Ishant was trying to get rid of me. It felt like I was a burden to him. I didn't bring my bike so I wasn't able to go home when I felt like. I was feeling awkward and wanted to smoke but because I can't do it because I hate it so I pictured myself in my mind doing it(sounds funny, right!). In that moment my mind went numb so I wasn't able to think properly but still I was clear in my mind to not do anything stupid that's why I didn't call the cab for myself. I was getting calls from home, Mataji reverted all land and ordered to not do a sleepover which gave my plans a 180° turn. I was sure that he won't come but still I messaged Lakshit and asked him to come to pick me up. Maybe I shouldn't blame him 'cause the time wasn't apt for going out of the house but if it wasn't me he wouldn't have refused to come and would have gone right away. Also when I asked Ishant that we should go home, he too deliberately refused and asked me to go if I wanted. I wont blame him because I might have done the same if he was my friend with benefits. I might not provide him something really good but atleast for him I am a fool.

All I learnt from that night was put yourself first because nobody else will.

Next I learnt that all parties are useless because they don't provide any real socialisation to people like us who do not have connections already or can't initiate the conversation.

Next thing I learnt was nobody is really a friend if you are a fool(I am not a fool but to be honest, I am not smart either) cause then they just want to use some benefits you provide them(I am not an exception for this rule cause I had done the same many times).

Next thing I learnt was apply rule 3 for your benefits because everybody does the same.

Last and final thing I learnt was, I need no friends if I have money. So I must earn money and live my life as I want, then I might get a real friend in my wife(**might**).

That's all I can say today, maybe the first paragraph of this log sound sarcastic after reading this one.

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teenagersdiary · 2 years

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A diary note, 2 Oct 2021, Self Obsessed

Date: 2 Oct 2021

Subject: Self Obsessed

If you said that I am too self obsessed than you may be correct in fact. See the thing is, I am too much of a overthinker. I think myself of some kind of typical shonen hero. I want to do things The way the anime protagonists do. I want power to do whatever I want to do and at the same time I want others to have the same powerset so that I can have a little challenge. I dream of living in an anime fantasy world but at the same time I fear the challenges I might have to face.

To be honest i am not so much interested in this world, needless to say i have no problem dying this instant but I do want to know what lies beyond death. Is there a heaven or hell, or even a God. And if they do exist what was the purpose of creating the world, cause I find it useless to create a world but sure if God (if he exists) wanted to play or wanted some sort of entertainment. See i hate to tell you but I am not a family man. I don't care much if anyone dies or lives, but what i do care is about myself dying a painfull death. That is something I don't wish for. I don't care for women for starters, needless to say i do want to have a sexual intercourse once in my life but that does not mean I love women. I just want to have that last thing humans tend to have for fun. I wont say I am not affected in anyway with death or blood of people, of course that kind of thing catches me off guard some times but still at times I am too cold for a human being. I cannot kill anyone, not even a fly without regret but still at times there is a switch which when turned on I am blind. This switch had been off for quite some time like 5 years or so(maybe that was a bit much) but still if some day it goes off I can only imagine that mess I shall be landing into. I am in control everytime I am angry because I don't blow things and even when the switch is off my brain functions perfectly to censor what is about to come from my mouth and what my body shall do. My problem is that when the switch is off there is very little senses alive so the censorship becomes really hectic. I hardly know what to censor and what not to. I blow off the switch when my spectacles fall and that time I don't censor. I am quite vulnerable to provocation but still that doesn't get me blow things up.

And yes I still dream of having a female assistant like Shion and buttler like Diablo. Still not being ashamed of my greed and foolishness I also want powers and world like the one Rimuru has been living in.

Thats all. Also I want to try some of my Ideas of heroics and justice as an experiment and know what it's like to try and change the world needless to say I don't know If it even needs to be changed.

Also it is quite obvious why I am writing this diary

JUST SO THAT YOU FUCKERS READ THIS. YES I AM TALKING TO YOU READERS.

Edit:

I don't know if the English I wrote is correct or grammatically accurate. I don't even know the proper meaning of some of the words. Same apply all my diary logs.

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teenagersdiary · 2 years

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A diary note, 21 Sep 2021, Intolerable to humans

Date: 21 Sep 2021

Subject: Intolerable to humans

So I was about to write today about how I have started doing exercises and maybe I will get fit but looks like I won't be writing about it for a while. Today I will tell you how every human I trusted and loved betrayed me. So lets start with friends. So my first friend as people know gained a lot of ego and than just acted as if I was nothing but a lowly being. He wasn't happy when I met him after a long time and started showing off. He often ignored me and also he didn't show any signs of the friend I once knew.

Than my second friend never existed until 8th class. Although I tried to make friends but none lasted more than six months. Than I went to coaching and I made many friends and out of them only one had lasted till now. But still that does not mean he never annoyed or made me sad. He often fought with me and never repented for his actions. He belittles me and often doesn't even care if I existed or not. So the reason he is my friend is because I don't have an option. I didn't have an option ever. Maybe I may also have done same things to people but they need to understand that it's a test. I tend to test their patience so that I can be sure they won't break me.

Next comes family. So the thing is I cannot come to agree on a single incident that wasn't big enough to be called a heartbreaking. My parents don't know how I feel and also they don't care if I am hurt. I guess endurance is something I gained from it as a side effect. My grand parents may seem to care about me but what they care more is that there son may not get affected with what I go through. Moreover that care more about my brother who thinks he is right doing whatever he wants. I befriended chinmay but one single incident and he says that he saw the real me. That's something I cannot comprehend with. My uncle and aunt, both elder and younger never cared about me.

The problem with my family is that I listen and care about everyone but still they never try to listen to what I have to say or how I feel. They don't care if I may get hurt with what they say or do. Father today showed me the best way of dealing with all of them.

They best way to deal with humans is now onwards payback. From now I am an investment for everyone. You can invest in whatever currency you want and I will pay you in the similar currency with inflation and interest. Like if you pay with love you get love and if you pay with sadness you get sadness. If you give me tears you get tears and if you pay with money and luxury you get the same. I will give long term relations a long term plan and short term relations a short term plan. Like my family gets payback when I get older and my friends get payback at the instant I am able to. The people I meet on day to day basis shall be paid with Karma or in my language draft.

Everyone has given me something or the other and they need to be paid back.

From now on I won't tolerate anybody. I will just collect what they gave and payback as soon as possible.

I don't know If I am a bad human but I am pretty aware that I am worse than a demon. So it's better if you don't call that out from slumber.

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teenagersdiary · 2 years

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A diary note, 2 Sep 2021, Back to Emotions

Date: 2 Sep 2021

Subject: Back to Emotions

So the thing is I start to lose my hard self as soon as I switch to something I love to do like listen to music, watch anime or even chill with mates. This makes me vulnerable to all the things happening in my surroundings and also this vulnerability increases my chances of getting annoyed. This also makes me lose focus on real world so if I get startled by someone yelling at me, most probably would get angry at an equal level of what I was attacked with or maybe more. This happens because I am not in the position of ignoring or bearing the feelings I have when I am startled. I happen to be least affected by the feelings of love and hate. I don't know anything about love (I just don't understandthe feeling of love, neither do I relate to it. It is afterall temporary.) and surely everyone hates me it isn't like this makes any difference. But the problem is I can't take anger sadness and happiness suddenly. Well for happiness that might be too common because that happens with almost everyone and I am sad about everything in this world. I am even sad that I exist. But the thing is I live in a world where if I punched someone, he is sure to be dead. This is the fantasy that I live in, where if I got angry I might do anything stupid. But the truth is I am too scared of doing anything. I think over everything till the very end so if the result has even the slightest chance of causing me pain in the end, I would never ever start with the chain reaction. Now also my biggest drawback is I don't know how to say NO. Also I don't know how to laugh cause when I laugh it's more like a tyrant laughter. I have a lot of issues but I can solve this.

So I now shall sleep and don't bother being 100% sure that these things in my diary are pretty changeable and also keep i mind I am never talking to the diary. It's better if you know it because I write on third dimension or maybe I would say I write like I am talking to you cause I am.

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teenagersdiary · 2 years

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A diary note, 27 Aug 2021, Volcano

Date: 27 Aug 2021

Subject: Volcano

I have a emotional burst like a volcano time and again. I realized yesterday that I only break the seal on my emotions when the events responsible for that are spontaneous and the working or my brain i.e. my thought process cannot cope up with the speed of the events. The reason why I am able to contain my anger is because I create or realize my mistakes or some reason for the events to be natural and not anybody's fault.

The reason why I am writing this diary is because I need a written journal or report about my change in behaviour and my observations of myself. This helps me in knowing when and how to control my emotional burst. Because not always emotions are a bad thing. If they are redirected in a correct direction they can help in creating a powerful force enough to create or destroy my life. Lets take the example of my hands because I discovered today that one my hypothesis about the physical strength of my hands is correct. So for my right hand, it has a less amount of strength than the left hand but because I can control the flow of force in the right hand I can easily do a lot of things with even this much strength. On the other side, my left hand has a high amount of brute force which can be decisive in hand to hand combat but because of my lack of control on its movement I can barely do anything with it.

Same goes with the emotions.

Emotions like anger can prove destructive if they are not controlled but can prove helpful if used in a control. Like if you use your anger to fight unnecessarily its destructive but if you use this anger as a motivation to do something, it can prove to be worthwhile. Similarly sadness if used as an excuse can prove destructive but if used as a guide can prove helpful.

Also i discovered that I have a higher probability of emotional burst after I wake up in morning as well as i have my emotionless face intact. Whenever i wake up I have a blank face which cannot be changed until unless I try to put upon a fake emotion on it or see in mirror. Also I have also observed that whenever I see myself in mirror I automatically lose anger, sadness or any other emotion except a smile. This maybe because I hate other emotions on my face because they make me look bad(ugly).

I confirmed yesterday that I tend to sleep more when I am hungry and also I lose hunger sensation after a particular period of day. Its like I am a bear in winter. I go into hibernation when I don't eat. This doesn't have any visible effect on my health.

Also I tend to release every emotion once in a while except for anger so it is the only emotion that undergoes a volcanic eruption.

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teenagersdiary · 2 years

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Date: 21 Aug 2021

Subject: I am angry

I hate to say but I am always angry like hulk. The thing is i have a habit of collecting anger to a point where i wont be able to control it and then i an no longer the one person i want to be. I am someone i hate the most. When I am angry i know what i am doing. I try to control myself but it won't do it. I am no longer worried about things. When I am angry and by angry i am saying to a point where i start breaking things, I just can't control myself anymore. I fall into deep despair and i wont recover from it unless i reach the peak and start crying. Crying is something that happens due to my resistance towards the action i want to perform but I won't. Also crying is the result of my regret. The regret i feel cause I know I did something wrong and i was wrong.

I have a lot of personalities. I cannot describe myself with one quality or liking. I like and dislike a lot of things at the same time. Like i love being with people but also I hate being with people. I love talking to my friend but at the same time I want to be alone. I just can't decide between two things even if one of them is the obvious choice. I want to travel a lot but I hate leaving my home. I fantasize things but I don't want them as well.

The only thing i fear in the world is regret. I don't like to be in a state of regret which results in my confusion in choices. I am always sad but I always have a happy face.

I don't like when people don't understand that I don't want them to make me angry because even though it will not harm me physically but I shall regret all my deeds afterwards and that's the reason of my sadness.

I want to be around people a lot because I don't know when i will do something that will result in my loneliness.

I had been lonely since long. No one tries to understands me and I believe that that would never happen. So i just keep being the ones they like until the point where I just hate pretending. I pretend like I care about anyone but the reality is I don't care for anyone. I only want people to fulfill what i want and then they can do whatever they want. I don't care I anyone dies. I don't care if anyone is hurt. I only care if anyone cries. Cause that makes me angry. I don't know why but when i see others cry I get angry. Maybe that's because I cannot cry.

I had always been such a crybaby that I would cry out even for the smallest things but that brought disgrace to me. So i burried my pain and Tears deep in me. I gave myself a habit that whenever I an about to cry I or tears collect in my I eyes I don't blink and absorb them back. I also start smiling whenever i am about to cry. I want people to understand that I am in pain and I want to cry but I cannot do that. This habit wont go away now and i am not able to cry anymore. The only time I cry is when the tears just are so much that my eyes wont be able to contain them and they just start flowing down.

I hate to say this but i have a lot of things I feel guilty for. I feel guilt and regret for every petty mistake I do. For me this feeling is like a load on heart which I had been carrying since long.

I always wanted to be strong. I wanted to be emotionally strong like an adult because I never saw adult men cry so I thought I won't be able to become a men if I don't control my emotions. But instead of controlling my emotions I just locked them up. Right now the person you see is the one who knows about himself more than anyone but some time later there shall be a person who doesn't know a damn thing about himself. That's the real me maybe, maybe not. I am not one person, I am many people. I am a personality reflection of all the people I want to be like or I met in my life.

#21 august 2021 #mydiary #teenagediary

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