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Unica Hija turned 11 today!

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that was tough! still grateful for you, 2022 🌱 https://www.instagram.com/p/Cm1_6MkhwSAsTK7HEAvr9ElLV6XxdzWXqwjvx40/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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"It's me... I'm the problem."

She is on a celebratory moment and I don't want to be the rain on her parade just because I was struggling.

So I partied with the crowd, giving away my warmth knowing that there is a funeral in my heart and mind and I will soon feel the cold.

Then that someone struggled and they wept with her. Envy crept into my system because I know I won't get to collect the same amount of tears.

It's my time to throw a party but nobody went because it would be a disrespect to her sorrow. I wept too because I should.

I chose to take another route, on a mission to find my self and experience true healing. I left without a word knowing that they would not find me.

They thought I am lost because they couldn't find me on the place where they last saw me. On the place where I was alone. They attempted to follow but she needed them more than the idea of getting back that one lost black sheep. So they stayed.

They convinced me to go back and put a halt on my journey.

I didn't...

I'm building my new home in a new place I have found. Nobody knew where this is. I'm glad because I could now find my peace. I'm slowly turning myself to a good party host for my willing "partygoers". I know they would also weep with me when the storm will come and destroy my new home. Nothing fancy but it's all worth it.

It's not the same anymore. I couldn't give my all because I know I would be left with nothing. It's on me.. because I was needy.. that's the problem. I am not blaming you for anything but how I wish you would just asked me if I was okay. Would I stay? Definitely.

Goodbye, see you again "my people (past tense)"

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bloom where you are planted 🌹✨ https://www.instagram.com/p/Ck1y5K7hYMwgSZ2i8hKH4c0PIcK3wAT-W0HfJ80/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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Let this be a reminder for you to start loving your imperfections.

I have lots of insecurities, particularly with my physical appearance, and I tell you, it's hard to live each day looking at the mirror feeling unhappy. Cliché as it may sound but beauty is skin deep. We are all unique and we are worthy of all the love in this world— including those from ourselves. Your soul is beautiful and you don't need a validation from anyone.

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Femininity is not a disability 👌

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"I hate to break it to you but the world doesn't revolve around you" 💔

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SONGS AND STORIES: Song Lyrics That Made Me Think About My Life 👸🏻

Entry No. 1: Perfect by Simple Plan

"Hey, Dad, look at me

Think back, and talk to me

Did I grow up according to plan?

And do you think I'm wasting my time

Doing things I wanna do?

But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it

I just want to make you proud

I'm never gonna be good enough for you

Can't pretend that I'm alright

And you can't change me"

My parents are my inspirations to hustle hard. I want to give them a comfortable life. Although it's impossible for me to give back all the sacrifices and love they have showered me, in the simplest and littlest of things, I am doing my best so they will not get disappointed. I try to be as obedient as I can. Every word they utter, I take it by heart.

Life is not about rainbows and butterflies, they say. My relationship with the folks is not an exception to that. Storms have challenged the strength of the love we have for each other.

I already finished my degree but unlucky me, I don't know how to figure out how the next chapters of my life would be. I questioned everything including my past decisions. I cheered myself up. I think I just need timer. Would a total reset be good? Maybe. I don't know.

One June evening of 2018, the rain had just stopped pouring. I found my self comfortably seated on a long bench outside the house. My father then joined me. We were just silently observing the movements on the street in font of us. That is when we saw his friend's daughter coming home from her office job.

My papa then said, "Maayo pa katong anak ni *insert friend's name here*, nakatrabaho na, ikaw? Giusikan ra nimo imong gi eskwelahan"

(Translation: "How lucky *insert friend's name here* is, his daughter already has a job, how about you? You just wasted your degree" )

The silent sound of my heart crashing was the only thing I heard. It drowned all the noise around me. It's hard for me to open up about my plans. It's hard to ask if I could maybe get another degree. I wanted to pursue writing even if I still don't know if that's what I really want. I wanted to say that I want to be brave and make this uncertainty certain. I want to know if this is the happiness that I am longing. Maybe this is my ikigai*. But I wasn't able to say anything. I stayed silent. In my world where raising your point would equate to disobedience and disrespect, I let myself die inside.

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said

And nothing's gonna make this right again

Please don't turn your back

I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you

But you don't understand..

That was a conversation from years ago but the memory of that random night still haunts me. It would flash in my mind whenever anxiety attacks me. It would keep me awake more than caffeine. I am not a medical professional to diagnose myself of anything but I know that there is a part of me which will always remain sad. That part would never see the light again.

"Are you proud of what I have become even if that's not how you have pictured me to be?"

I always want to ask him that question but I know my heart will never be ready for the answers. I am contented of what I have right now, anyway. Our relationship is good and I know that I am loved.

I hope to see my parents' proud and happy faces again just like what they have whenever I bring home certificates and medals back when I was in elementary and high school. I cannot give that to them now because what I bring now are life lessons. I pray that they will also realize that those intangible things weigh more than those material possessions.

I'm sorry I can't be... perfect..

Until that day comes, I will never lose hope!

🤞☺️🤞✨

Praying for better days,

T

— end

* ikigai is a Japanese concept that means your 'reason for being. ' 'Iki' in Japanese means 'life,' and 'gai' describes value or worth. Your ikigai is your life purpose or your bliss. It's what brings you joy and inspires you to get out of bed every day. (https://www.betterup.com/blog/what-is-ikigai)

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An attempt to be the ✨main character✨, leave my place and start a new life in a new city, meet new people and forget that I'm a loser back in my hometown.

STATUS: FAILED‼️

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Random Ramble #1: "COMPARISON"

"Comparison is the thief of joy"

-Theodore Roosevelt

I have been doing a lot of things lately, mostly things that I don't like, mainly because I want to prove to everyone that I can be as successful like that someone they compared me with. I have lost my identity. It made me unhappy. I know God has gave me a unique personality, talents that keep me apart from others, but I haven't remember that when I was put into situations wherein my ego is at risk. I need to deliver something for their satisfaction so I need to keep up with the standards they have set for me.

Those things killed me. I came to a point where I don't know myself anymore. I forgot my purpose— to follow God's will for me. I lost the love I have for my self which made me incapable of giving love to others. I lost it all. I cannot give what I don't have.

To whoever is reading this right now, please take this piece of advice— ALWAYS PRAY. You may not see God face to face but please know that He is listening. When you're lost, He will lead the way home. Also, don't forget that you are beautiful and unique, no matter how flawed you are. No matter how flawed WE are. We may be struggling but let's continue to fight. Let's live to that Filipino phrase, "Laban lang!". I am praying for you and your happiness, WE GOT THIS! 🦋💚✨