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11 years ago I set you free. I miss you with every fibre of my being.

I am setting you free my angel child

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Time to say goodbye

http://wp.me/p2rPrS-1aM

Time to say Goodbye is a beautiful song and I especially enjoy the André Bochelli and Sarah Brightman version. It was the boys and my theme song on this holiday. A Time to Say Goodbye and heal…. As we toured Europe we lived Vic’s dream. It was her dream to go to Italy, stand in the Cistern Chapel, drink cuppachino’s on the streets of Rome, wander through the Christmas Mart stalls savouring the…

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Who Am I?

Wolterstorff also writes: I have become an alien in the world, shyly touching it as if it’s not mine. I don’t belong any more. When someone leaves home, home becomes mere house.

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These Three Words - [Donna Terrell, Reprinted with permission from Grief Digest]

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Untitled

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Pendulum of grief - 7 years

Pendulum of grief – 7 years

It has been 2555 days since my beautiful child succumbed to her horrific illness.  It has been 6 years, 11 months, 30 days. I have been swinging on a pendulum of grief and recovery for the past 84 months. It has been an ongoing battle to balance the pain and guilt of outliving my child with the desire to honour her final wish.

Dr Colin Murray Parker said “Grief is the price we pay for…

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Messages from Heaven - 2

Messages from Heaven – 2

When I wrote my last blog, https://tersiaburger.com/2019/10/15/messages-from-heaven-1/ I realised that it would have to be a “series” of Messages from Heaven. So, here goes …Messages from Heaven – 2.   Again, this post should, however, have been the first.

Vic and I often spoke about life after death. We often, stoically, discussed ways of communicating after “the event”. We agreed that the bed…

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Owkay mommy I will....

Owkay mommy I will….

The boys and I visiting Vic in hospital last year.

It has been a day filled with back to back meetings.  I coped well (I think) and managed to focus.  It was strange not checking my phone every couple of minutes to see whether Vic is okay or not.

I sent the boys’ text messages early evening as the meetings continued into the night.

Me to Jared:  “Hi baby – you okay?”

Jared:  “Hey Oumie.  I’m okay…

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Messages from Heaven - 1

Messages from Heaven – 1

On the 24th of August, Vic’s eldest son married the love of his life.   The morning before the wedding, he stood talking on his cell phone when out of the blue a little white feather stuck to the screen of his phone… Vic communicates with us through feathers. This was his message from Heaven

Jared and the feather from Heaven

Planning a wedding where the bride is surrounded by loving parents…

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Unimaginable pain

When my beautiful little girl exhaled her last breath, it felt as if my heart was ripped into a million pieces.

One year and 5 months have passed and my heart is still in a million pieces.  But, the pain is no longer that same raw pain.  Sometimes it is a sharp, searing pain; sometimes a dull heartbreaking pain.  At times I feel so alone, numb and at other times I am convinced that I will lose my…

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Happy Birthday my Angel Child 31.8.1974 - 18.1.2013

Happy Birthday my Angel Child 31.8.1974 – 18.1.2013

via Happy Birthday my Angel Child 31.8.1974 – 18.1.2013

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Happy Birthday my Angel Child 31.8.1974 - 18.1.2013

Happy Birthday my Angel Child 31.8.1974 – 18.1.2013

Happy birthday my precious Angel Child.

I wonder whether you were excited about your birthday?  Do you still celebrate your birthdays or do you celebrate the day your pain and suffering ended?

I miss you so much, sweetheart.  Although I still cry for you almost every day I honor your legacy every single day of my life.  What a community changer you were…  Through your suffering, almost 1400…

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Quiet waters of peace

Quiet waters of peace

Lead me to the quiet waters of peace

                      Vic is very restless and agitated.  Hospice says that at this stage they normally sedate the patients to make the passing easier.  It would be a wonderful solution.  Vic’s mind is mostly crystal clear and busier than ever.  She continuously asks for photos to be taken, not necessarily of herself but of the boys, her friends and family. …

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5 years, 3 months and 3 days

5 years, 3 months and 3 days

Five years, 3 months and three days ago I lay next to you listening to your labored breathing.  You lay motionless in your bed.  Your hands and feet were ice-cold.  Your body was burning up with fever.  Daddy and I counting the seconds between your breaths.  My hand on your little heart and my head next to yours.

I remember whispering how much I love you; that there was nothing to be scared of…I…

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5 years, 3 months and 3 days

5 years, 3 months and 3 days

Five years, 3 months and three days ago I lay next to you listening to your labored breathing.  You lay motionless in your bed.  Your hands and feet were ice-cold.  Your body was burning up with fever.  Daddy and I counting the seconds between your breaths.  My hand on your little heart and my head next to yours.

I remember whispering how much I love you; that there was nothing to be scared of…I…

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To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow

“Who wants to die? Everything struggles to live. Look at that tree growing up there out of that grating. It gets no sun, and water only when it rains. It’s growing out of sour earth. And it’s strong because its hard struggle to live is making it strong. My children will be strong that way.” ― Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

I spent the weekend packing up Vic’s flat and working in the…

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Stuff

Today I started packing up Vic’s “things” …Tupperware, crockery, cutlery, whatnots… the stuff

I drank coffee from her favourite mug. I tried to crate the “stuff” into equal portions. I came across the boys’ plates, their little mugs, their christening gifts.  Vic did  not have a lot in material things.  Eight dinner plates, eight side plates and 8 desert plates… unmatched glasses and hundreds of…