that-ttc-wench

[that-ttc-wench]

Yearly-ish update I guess?

We went through two IUI in 2020. Nothing. Then, three months of large cysts alternating sides each month preventing us from doing any more treatments. January 2021, that clinic told me I had to lose a lot of weight before they’d work with me again. Que devastation. After losing over 100 lbs, my weight is again blamed for all of our problems.

A month later, I find out about CNY Fertility where they work with any patient regardless of weight or issue. They're 1/4 the price of every clinic we've worked with and they'll work with us remotely until retrieval and transfer for IVF when we will need to travel to NY. We sign up in March and start running the tests they ask us for.

One said test is the saline sonogram where we find that I have a large polyp blocking most of my cervix which may explain why iui has never worked for us. June, I have surgery to remove it and any other polyps.

Middle of July, we begin IVF stims. End of July, we retrieve 13 eggs, 9 are injected and 8 fertilize. July 29, we transfer two 4BB embryos. Our beta test is 8/9. But for now? You tell me.

[that-ttc-wench]

🔆

[that-ttc-wench]

Ranting and Raving

I'm having a really hard time lately.  We're in a sort of holding pattern when it comes to our progress with doing our first and most likely only IVF cycle due to finances.  My husband's family doesn't know that we've been trying or that we're going through treatment but it doesn't stop them from making off-hand comments that hurt me to my core. For example, telling us that they don't reach out to us or have as much time to meet up with us since they're spending so much time with their grandkids from other family members. Or at Christmas, telling their nephew that he shouldn’t wear the Christmas light necklace that he was (as was I) because it causes infertility.  Nothing directly hurtful or hostile but that I guess I take too personally?  And my husband's panicked about the financial aspects of going through IVF, which just ends up making me think we aren't going to do it and I'll need to accept being childless forever and move on.  Which I honestly don't know or think I'll be able to do.  How does anyone handle this stuff?  I'm completely at a loss.  Maybe it's hormonal, maybe it's me being overly sensitive, but either way, I end up sitting in my office crying.  Like now.  With my super sweet boss telling me to just let her know if I need to leave.  It’s overwhelming.  

[that-ttc-wench]

CNY fertility is $3,900 for a full cycle and has multiple clinics around the US

Holy god! That’s awesome! That’s less than we paid for one round of IUI in Chicago. I’ll look into it. Thanks!!!

[that-ttc-wench]

I know you said ivf was unaffordable but there are affordable clinics, just may require a bit of traveling

The two I’ve spoken to are both right around $18,000. Granted one of those is for three attempts but you pay the full $18,000 regardless. Can I ask where I might be able to look for more affordable options? I’ve found loans and grants to apply for but that’s been about it so far.

[that-ttc-wench]

Almost a year ago

That was my last update.  Nearly a year ago.  It would be a year if I’d waited until November to write again. But truth be told, I’m in the same boat now that I was then. I’ve lost over 100 pounds now.  We’ve restarted fertility treatments but we’re attempting to keep it to ourselves.  We haven’t told family.  We have a couple of friends who know, just so that we have some outlet that isn’t each other.  But we can’t take the feeling of disappointing everybody all over again.  The desperate tests asking if the results were positive, if it worked this month.  The answer was always no and as of today, the end of our first cycle in treatment again, it’s still no.  Another IUI, another negative pregnancy test. Another bottle of wine to numb the dashed hopes and the disappointment that I have such a hard time ignoring now.  

I feel like I’m running out of time.  My biological clock is ticking away every day and there’s nothing I can do to extend it.  I’ve tried everything.  I’m going to be starting acupuncture next in a (most likely vain) attempt to relax and open myself up to something else.  It’s just all so disheartening.  

When you’re trying to conceive, every googled question results in baby ads coming your way on a daily basis.  “8 dpo pregnancy symptoms” is searched, and suddenly you’re on mailing lists for baby wipes and diapers.  And your heart breaks every time you are forced to click unsubscribe.  

The doctors are all so positive.  When it happens, not if.  Telling me the ultrasound schedule from heartbeat detection to delivery.  Letting me know I’d be a “geriatric mom.”  Another kick to the ovaries while I’m desperate to feel the kick of my child.  

But there’s nothing more to be done.  I get an ultrasound on day 3, and start Letrozole (yet again) and start all over.  Again.  I tell myself to keep my hopes down and not expect too much if anything.  But it never works.  I symptom spot as soon as I get to 6 days past IUI.  

We know the IVF discussion is only 5 months away.  And we know our answer is and must be no.  It’s unaffordable.  But that alone pains me too.  So I tell myself not to focus 5 months down the road.  Just look at today.  So here’s to today.  Cycle day 1.  

[that-ttc-wench]

[that-ttc-wench]

My body: here you go!!! lots of uterine cramping!!

My body: oh but no period sry 😬

[that-ttc-wench]

Update

First *me* post in two years?  Sure.  So here’s where I’m at. 

It’s been two years. I’ve moved across the country, started new jobs, and bought a house with my husband. Suffered another miscarriage. Came so close to adopting two children, just to have it all fall apart so horrifically.  Still not pregnant. Probably never, ever going to be.  Lost 80 pounds in a desperate attempt to control something. Still hasn’t worked.  I’m using an Ava bracelet now to see if I am even ovulating.  No more fertility drugs or treatments.  If it happens it happens.  Not really hopeful though.  Everyone that was TTC at the time I started this seems to have gotten their miracle.  I seem the be the exception.  I still so desperately want to be a mom and find myself struggling more and more every day.  I end up crying daily about it now where I was able to keep a handle on it for so long.   But now, I feel like I’m looking down towards the end of a tunnel as I spiral down.  And honestly, I just want to hit the bottom so I can be done with all of this.  So there’s that. 

There’s the update.  The status of it all.  The ugly truth.  My side as the odd man out.  When you don’t get the two pink lines. 

[that-ttc-wench]

I really do.

[that-ttc-wench]

The worst part is we’re all trying so hard to get pregnant. We’re prepared and are actively trying to make it happen.

And then there’s 15 year olds who get pregnant accidentally after one time. There’s people who refuse to stop drinking and taking drugs when pregnant. People who use kids for money, people who don’t want the child and end up abusing them.

Why do they get it so easy when they don’t deserve it and we have to fight to even conceive.

[that-ttc-wench]

Please work please work please work please work please work Please work please work please work please work please work Please work please work please work please work please work Please work please work please work please work please work

[that-ttc-wench]

[that-ttc-wench]

And this is what I’m dreading…

[that-ttc-wench]

Is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, 'boring’ or 'cruel’? Not to me.

J.K. Rowling (via wordsnquotes)

[that-ttc-wench]

National Infertility Awareness Week

[that-ttc-wench]

Looking up your preferred surgical method to do your hysterectomy when you're 31 and praying your insurance will pay for it right now is pretty much the most depressed I've been about this in a long while.