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[thatsjeanius-blog1]

The Wild Ride.

I’ve been pretty quiet since our ET for a couple of reasons. One, recovery from the ER was brutal and secondly, I wanted to relax after our Embryo Transfer. We went in on 6/14 for an 11am appointment. We met with the embryologist who went over our final fertilization report and also showed us a picture of the blastocyst that they picked for the transfer.

19 eggs retrieved. 17 matured and fertilized via ICSI. 13 fertilized. 7 survived to day 5 blastocysts (5 good, 2 fair), 1 arrested after day 3. The remaining 5 were slow growers and went through extended culture but all arrested by Day 6. In the end, we would have 1 transferred and the remaining 6 would be cryopreserved for future transfers.

It was a really awesome experience to be able to see the blastocyst chosen. They explained that it was a very high quality embryo and was already starting to hatch which is a great sign for implantation success. They provided us a picture of our little blastocyst and then answered all the questions we had. Then we met with the doctor who went through the procedure again and then one more final viewing of the embryo on the monitor before they transferred it. The process was very peaceful, easy, and relaxing. It was my favorite part of this whole experience thus far. I was so happy V also was able to take the day off to experience this with me. We spent the rest of the day relaxing and I have spent the last 1.5 weeks trying to take it easy. 6/23 was the date for our HCG test to confirm if we are pregnant or not. 

Today, 6/23, I went in at 8:30am for my blood work. The last couple of days leading up to it was a constant internal battle. “What’s that symptom? Am I breaking out? Crap, that’s what happens when my period starts? Why do I have a headache? Nooo, it didn’t work. Wait, it went away. Maybe I’m just dehydrated.”…on and on and on. After my blood test, I knew I had to wait for results. At about 12:30pm I started having a panic attack. I think all the anxiety was building up. I stepped away and started making my lunch. At 1:15pm my phone rang and it was my clinic calling. 

“CRAP. THIS IS IT.”

“Hi, this is Jean.” “Hi, this is Heidi calling you about your HCG results.”

*silence*

“Your HCG results are 262.8. You’re pregnant!”

“WHAT?? OMG, this is so crazy.”

So from there we talked about next steps and I’d have to repeat my blood test on Monday to confirm the counts are rising and also to recheck my thyroid level. And if that checks out, we’ll schedule our 7 week ultrasound.

I still can’t believe it and V is surprised too. But we’re so happy. What a wild ride it’s been!

[thatsjeanius-blog1]

Don’t put your eggs all in one basket.

Instead put them in two, named left and right ovary.

We showed up to the clinic at 45 minutes prior to our scheduled egg retrieval appointment to do pre-op stuff such as take 1000mg of acetaminophen, dress into the surgery gown, take your vitals and also be prepped for general anesthesia as well as answer any outstanding questions, review the procedure and meet with the surgeon. The most painful part of the whole process was the lidocaine needle being shoved into the back of my hand! When I was ready to go, they wheeled me into the OR, had me lay down on the table, and then the last thing I remembered was adjusting the mask over my mouth and then I was out!

I woke up from the nurse lightly shaking my foot and was a bit groggy. I didn’t feel any pain and they had placed a heating pad on my stomach. They had me drink some water and eat some crackers while in recovery and then gave me my egg retrieval report. They were able to extract 11 eggs from my left ovary and 8 eggs from my right ovary for a total of 19! That’s great! They explained post op procedures and symptoms to look out for that are signs for OHSS. V and I went to eat and then went home and spent the rest of the day resting.

The next morning the nurse called with our fertilization report. Of the 19, 17 eggs were mature meaning only 17 could be used for fertilization. Of the 17, 13 eggs fertilized by Day 1 and will continue to stay in the incubator to see how many survive to Day 5 for our embryo transfer.

My recovery has been intermittent since the ER. I’ve had some bloating and constipation but each day it’s gotten progressively better. I finally feel 85% normal today. They recommend maintaining a high protein diet and drink Gatorade G2 to reduce any OHSS. Hoping our ET goes well!

[thatsjeanius-blog1]

Expect the unexpected.

I had everything planned for days off of work to weekday and weekend festivities based on our IVF calendar Though it’s good to plan, it’s also good to be adaptable because our schedule quickly shifted with very last minute decisions that had to be made. 

By Day 8, we already knew our schedule would be pushed out by 1 day and by Day 10 (6/6/17), it could get pushed out again by either 1 or 2 days. I went in for my blood work and u/s and I had not yet met the criteria for the trigger shot. I only had 3 follicles that were over 16mm and needed at least 4. My lining was 8.5mm. Based on my blood work results, they would determine if I needed to go 1 or 2 more days with stim. They sent me home with another vial of Menopur and another cartridge of Follistim plus a $355 bill for the meds. 

After my blood work results came back that afternoon they wanted me to come back the next morning for a repeat work up to see how my body responded to 1 more additional night of stim. By Day 11, I had a lining of 8.8mm, 10 follicles over 16mm with an additional 6 follicles that were borderline and could catch up before I trigger that night. But based on my Estradiol level of 5620 Pg/ml they changed my Pregnyl dose from 10,000iu to 5,000iu since it was a bit higher than expected.

I was really terrified of the trigger needle since it was an intramuscular shot administered into your buttcheek. They said to insert quickly and inject slowly. They drew a target for us with a black sharpie so we knew where to aim. The actual injection itself didn’t hurt but my right buttcheek was sore until the next morning. Speaking of the next morning, I then took an HPT to confirm that the trigger shot was administered correctly and it was positive so we were ready to do the egg retrieval scheduled for Friday, 6/9 at 8am. Eeek!

[thatsjeanius-blog1]

Surprises along the way.

WARNING: Questionable TMI content below.

As much research as you do from reading to watching videos, reading blogs, talking to friends, family, and your medical team, you’ll surely come across surprising situations. 

1. I didn’t know it’d be a 7 week process (maybe even more). Trying to plan ahead, I thought IVF was just a 1 cycle (~28 day process). However, they typically add a period of birth control into the protocol which can be anywhere from 21 or in my case, 25 days. This is done to better time your cycle but also suppress your ovaries in preparation for heavy stimulation.

2. I didn't know I’d get bruises from the injections. Well to be honest, I did hear it’s possible but you never really think those side effects would happen to you. They just list 100 possible side effects but the chances of them occurring are low. Wrong thinking on my part! Though not horrific looking, I had one small bruise early on during injections and then as we were doing our 10th night of stims, I noticed a healthy sized bruise on my stomach.

3. I didn’t know how thirsty I’d get. Apparently it’s common for your body to mimic pregnancy systems when you’re doing IVF, one of which is having to drink a lot of water. Over the weekend I was thirsty like nobody’s business! Shout out to the waiter at Cheesecake Factory for staying on top of filling my glass of water!

4. I didn't know I’d have to wake up in the middle of the night to pee. Tying into item #3 above, for the past week or so I’ve had to wake up every morning at 4:30am to use the bathroom. I wake up fighting the need but I won't go back to sleep until I do. I sleepily get out of bed, stumble to the bathroom, do my thing, and then sluggishly head back to bed and crash. 

5. I didn't know I’d get globs of EWCM. The night of Day 6 stims, I went to use the bathroom and noticed a huge glob of EWCM as I wiped. I had a mild panic attack because when you’re TTC’ing, you learn that one of the signs that you’re going to ovulate soon is EWCM. So my first thought was “Oh no! I’m going to stim and my cycle is going to be a bust!” But I did a Google search that night and read this was common and a sign that your meds are working and is linked to the increase in Estrogen. 

All in all, my overall symptoms seem to be pretty mellow. Today being Day 10, I think some of those side effects are finally coming to fruition including nausea, bloating, gas, and fatigue. I do feel a constant pressure on my right side so I’m thinking my right ovary is working hard!

I hope my appointment goes well tomorrow and we can proceed with the trigger shot. I’m ready to be over with these injections and move onto the more thrilling part!

[thatsjeanius-blog1]

Is this the end...?

(Of the stimulation portion at least...)

On Saturday I had my Day 8 (stim) blood work and ultrasound appointment. I had 5 + 6 = 11 follicles that were over 10mm with some of the larger ones being between 12.5mm to 13mm. The RN said she wanted me back in 3 days to repeat and I admit, I was a bit saddened only because that meant our cycle would be delayed by at least 1 day. I’m a bit of a planner so I was hoping everything would magically fall into place but when I had a bit of time to collect my thoughts, I realized 1 more day isn't the end of the world and that would mean I would do 10 full days of stim which is pretty common. She said that I would trigger when at least two follicles are 18mm but they’ll also confirm my Estradiol results later that afternoon to confirm next steps. 

For the rest of the day I was obsessively checking my phone not wanting to miss the call. 7 hours later, the RN called to tell me that my E2 level was good and measured 1287 Pg/ml and the doctor confirmed that I should come back in 3 days. Also, I would reduce my Follistim injection to 125iu (instead of 150iu) but keep everything else the same. If everything looked good at my Tuesday appointment (6/6/17) then I’d stop the stim meds and we’d trigger that night. 

There still feels like a long way to go with this IVF journey (trigger, egg retrieval, fertilization, embryo development, transfer, waiting period) but looking back, I’m pretty proud of V & myself and what we’ve been able to accomplish thus far together. <3

[thatsjeanius-blog1]

Oh no he di’nt!

BEWARE. SENSITIVE & HORMONAL RANT TO FOLLOW.

We went to a family function this evening and every time I go to this particular house I am always greeted with “Any good news yet?” which is code for “Are you pregnant?” It happens so often that I can feel my body tense up as we drive up to the house. When I walked in, something strange happened…no one asked me that. I was so relieved!

10 mins later…

Person A: So when are you planning on having kids?

Me: We’ve BEEN planning.

Person A: So what’s the status?

Me: Nothing yet.

Person A: Well that’s because you’re not working hard enough.

Person B: Yea! You’re not working hard enough.

Me on the outside:

Me on the inside:

The only thing I could do to maintain my composure was a mantra I say over and over in my head “They just don’t know any better.”

Not work hard enough? Seriously?!

If only they knew how I drove 45 mins each way every 2 weeks for 6 months for acupuncture appointments (need I remind you I hate needles); shoved 120 nasty tasting herbal supplements down my throat each month; countless doctor’s appointments telling me “well it could be this or that but everything is normal, it’s just unexplained infertility”; having dye injected into your uterus and flow out of your fallopian tubes; having blood draw after blood draw (still hate needles); shoving progesterone suppositories up your hoo-ha and then racking your brain wondering “Uh, is this discharge normal?”; peeing on sticks month after month waiting for that stupid smiley face to show up and then 2 weeks later wake up to find out Aunt Flo is baaaaack; crying at night but trying not to cry because “you have to stay positive!”; crying during the day but having to collect yourself because you have a meeting starting in 5 minutes; sacrificing vacations because you might have to do your IUI that day but no one can tell you in advance otherwise you’ll have to skip this cycle and wait for the next; ultrasound after ultrasound after ultrasound; oh and don’t forget how we miscarried and the emotional torment that created; the stress of figuring out how to tell work you have yet another doctor’s appointment; having to drop everything at the last minute because it’s our “fertile time”; and last but not least, the money invested. 

I hope there comes a day when people learn to keep their mouths shut.

[thatsjeanius-blog1]

Day 5, I survived.

We officially made it through Day 5 of stim. Time is flying by faster than I thought it would but taking everything day by day has helped ease and relax my mind. Each day has become a mini goal to conquer in this IVF journey.

I had my Day 3 blood work done to measure my Estradiol level and the results came back at 133.1 Pg/ml which I’m told is a good number and to continue the same dose for all 3 medications. That night was the first time I felt some pain from the injections on my left side. Normally I would feel a stinging sensation that would last a minute or two but this time it lasted a good 12 minutes before it passed. It radiated from the injection site down towards my hip joint so I remained standing until it passed. Every night we’ve been alternating sides to give each side a rest between injections.

Today being Day 5 I went into the clinic to retest my Estradiol level and also to have an ultrasound done to check my ovaries and progress on the follicles. The RN explained that today’s ultrasound’s purpose was to make sure there were no massive dominant follicles (i.e. 16mm). She first measured my uterine lining which measured at 5.5mm which she said was thin but expected at this stage. She then measured the largest follicles within each ovary. I had two in each ovary for a total of 4 that measured 8.5mm. The rest were smaller with a total quantity of 24 follicles. She said Day 8’s ultrasound will be more telling of how many eggs we’ll be able to retrieve and she would want to see some eggs at 12mm-13mm by then.

Later in the day the nurse called with my Estradiol level which measured 290.51 Pg/ml which she also said was great and I can continue with the same dose. The goal is to see a rise in my Estradiol level throughout the course of stimulation.

So far everything has been on track. I’ve had minimal overall side effects thus far aside from a small bruise I saw forming tonight on my abdomen. Hoping things still continue down a positive track over the next few days!

[thatsjeanius-blog1]

FML

Follistim 

Menopur 

Lupron 

We officially started our stimulation meds yesterday and adding the two new meds into the mix caused some nervousness. One, because we now had to mix the Menopur which felt like 100 steps and two, because I didn't know how my body would react to the medications. We started with the Menopur which caused a stinging sensation but I was distracted by walking V through the next two injections that it didn't bother me much. The next shot was Lupron which we are used to but are only now doing 5iu's followed by Follistim which is administered with a pen. The Follistim felt the least painful--I could barely feel the needle puncturing my skin, but we were both surprised to see a drop of blood forming. The first day is usually hardest but I figured we would be pros now on day 2. 

Day 2 (stim)...we still handled the meds like non-professionals. 😂 

Here's hoping day 3 goes smoother! 

[thatsjeanius-blog1]

Suppression Check ✔️

I went in for my suppression check today which is done to check the lining of your uterus, check for any cysts which may delay your cycle and also to do another antral follicle count. Depending on the findings, the nurse would tell me if we can proceed with our protocol as scheduled or if we need to delay the cycle. My period started this morning which is normal but a bit disgusting in my opinion having to do an ultrasound while Aunt Flo is in town. But we got through it and my lining was 2.7mm which is good, 28 antral follicles (12 on the right ovary, 16 on the left ovary), and no cysts detected. I now have the green light to proceed with the stimulation meds this Saturday. After my appointment I met with my patient care coordinator to review the rest of my IVF calendar and to go over any questions about what the next steps are. The last two weeks have flown by so fast--I can't believe we've done almost two full weeks of injections already. I'm a bit nervous as to what adding the additional two injections will do to my body but hoping we can get through the next 8-10 days of stim with little to no complications or side effects. I hope the next two weeks will remain calm and relaxing!

[thatsjeanius-blog1]

1 down, 2.5 more to go.

Our first week of injections has gone rather smoothly. V gets better each day with administering the injection to minimize any pain or side effects. The first day was a bit nerve racking but we’re definitely getting the hang of it. The biggest challenge so far has been trying to keep our injection time the same each night! There have been a couple of nights speeding home or me giving him the “we need to go now!” eye. 

I have my suppression check coming up on Thursday (May 25th) and then if everything checks out, we’ll begin our actual stim meds on Saturday. I think we’ll be met with a case of anxiety with the additional Follistim and Menopur injections but at least I know I’ve got a good partner by my side! <3

[thatsjeanius-blog1]

#tbt to when my baby died.

July 15, 2016: It was our 2nd IUI attempt and if it failed, we would have moved forward with IVF. Before waking up that morning I dreamt about taking a pregnancy test and that it was positive. I woke up shortly after annoyed that my mind was playing a cruel trick on me. I jumped out of bed thinking to myself, “Let’s just get this over with now so we can move forward and start IVF.”

Then this happened...

I couldn’t believe my eyes and I didn’t understand how something as simple as two pink lines could make me so happy. But simplicity, is not a term typically associated with trying to conceive. I told V right away to come into the bathroom and we both stared at it in shock. He asked if I “peed right” and then said “yea, it’s a boy.” We both called out to go to the doc’s to get a blood test done to confirm the results and later in the afternoon the nurse called with my HCG level and said “you are VERY pregnant.”

We spent the next couple of weeks happy, excited, telling only very close friends and some family members. I told my parents right away! I had two friends who were also in their first trimester and we’d compare symptoms. My symptoms were very different than theirs and I started wondering if everything was okay but I didn’t want to get myself worked up over nothing. I kept hearing “everyone’s pregnancy is different.” 

August 9, 2016: The next step for us was to meet with our doctor at 7.5 weeks and do our first ultrasound. I was nervous but optimistic that everything would be okay. The RN was doing the ultrasound with our doctor’s supervision and I noticed they were very quiet. I knew right away something was wrong. The doc asked the rest of the staff to exit the room and the three of us sat in the dark as she explained to us that there was no heartbeat and based on the measurements the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks. She talked through our options which included: 

1. Letting the baby pass naturally

2. Speeding the process along with the help of medication

3. Doing a D&C procedure to remove the fetus

I opted for #3 because at that point I just wanted the baby out of me. I wanted to be able to move on as quickly as possible and with the least amount of pain. 

This is the only picture we have of our baby.

August 12, 2016: We arrived to the clinic early in the morning for pre-op preparations and then they took me into the surgery room. We did one more ultrasound to confirm that the baby had passed and then I was quickly put under anesthesia. I woke up to see V sitting next to me, both now officially childless.

We took their recommendation of doing genetic testing to hopefully identify the cause of the miscarriage but the results came back normal. No abnormal chromosomes detected so we were still in the dark. The other 50% of unknown causes. We also found out through genetic testing that we had a baby girl; I broke down in tears.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about what could have been, where we would be right now if our baby survived, but at the same time, there was a reason my body terminated the pregnancy, a reason we’ll never know. 

In times of sadness, I often turn to writing poetry as an outlet. This one’s for you, baby girl. <3

[thatsjeanius-blog1]

Speechless.

I was having lunch with a couple of friends today and told them that we will beginning IVF. They asked how I was feeling and honestly, I couldn’t answer the question. My mind drew a blank. Ever since we decided we were moving forward with IVF I’ve spent the last couple of weeks reading through documentation, reviewing paperwork, coordinating doctor appointments, researching medications, watching mandatory educational videos, checking finances, scheduling time off, and ordering medications. I’ve been so busy with non-IVF stuff as well that I haven’t had time to reflect on (or overthink) what the next few weeks will be like. 

 I wouldn't say I'm exactly excited nor would I say I'm sad. I do still wish we weren't in this situation and our story had a different journey but at the same time I'm not spending days sulking asking "Why me?". It's difficult to be excited because you don't want to have high hopes and it fails because there is no guarantee for success. At the same time I don't want to be emo because negativity adds stress to an already stressful situation and it's a mindset I try to avoid. I AM sensitive to those who I've shared this with who crack jokes not realizing that what they say is actually hurtful. This journey we are on, though I try to put on a brave face, is really heartbreaking and not meant to provide comic relief to others. I struggle with finding the balance to remain private but to be open about what's going on in our lives. Private, because if things don't go as planned I want to grieve on my own terms and not have people ask for daily updates. Open, because talking about it gives me an outlet so I don't internalize everything and explode because it became too much. 12 hours after they asked me I still don't know how I feel. I think at this point I am just taking it one day at a time, that's all I can really do. <3

[thatsjeanius-blog1]

Informed Consent.

Yesterday, May 10th, we met with our doctor to review our IVF protocol and answer any outstanding questions that we had.

Here are some interesting things we learned:

1. Your medication is determined by your age, medical history, results of evaluation tests but also your insurance coverage (or lack thereof) and the fertility pharmacy selected to provide your meds.

2. Since we will be doing ICSI, the number of days abstinence prior to egg retrieval/fertilization does not matter.

3. Pregnyl (intramuscular injection) vs. Ovidrel (subcutaneous injection). We wanted to know why we were prescribed Pregnyl over Ovidrel merely because we are terrified of the needle and placement of the injection. Pregnyl has been available longer than Ovidrel has, however, not much research has been done to show which is more effective. We can switch to Ovidrel if we are truly opposed to a shot in my posterior but we’ll just stick with what we have...and we already paid for it. 

4. In the past, our clinic would review the fertilized eggs each day and give a daily report of how they are progressing. They recently switched to a new method in the past couple of years that allows for individual incubators per patient and prefer to keep the fertilized eggs from being disturbed. This method has shown to increase the success rate but the downside is that there are no daily reports. They’ll call around Day 3 to do a check in but we won’t know a final number that we have available for transfer on Day 5 until...Day 5 (eek!). 

On a less serious note...

5. Right now is not a good time for either of us to pick up smoking as a habit. :)

6. If it makes us feel sad or depressed, we should avoid people with kids. 

After the appointment we met with the financial counselor. One less thing for us to stress about during this time is that we do not have to pay anything for the IVF procedure for the remainder of the year due to V’s amazing health insurance plan that has a very low annual max-out-of pocket and offers fertility coverage. Whew! Now, only a couple more days before we start the injections...stay tuned.

[thatsjeanius-blog1]

Received a care package today and unfortunately, it wasn’t a brand new purse. For the amount I paid I could have gotten a very nice high-end shoulder bag! But instead, I’ll take my chances that this is the cure to our infertility!

In a few more days we will begin our first injection. Schedule is as follows: Lupron 10iu for 13 days (pre-stimulation cycle). Add Follistim 150iu and Menopur 75iu and reduce Lupron to 5iu for an additional 8 days (stimulation cycle). Then when instructed inject 10,000iu of Pregnyl to trigger as an intramuscular injection (AKA in your bottom). All shots are done nightly between 7pm-9pm. Take a pregnancy test the next day to confirm trigger was administered correctly. Begin Endometrin (Progesterone) following egg retrieval when instructed twice a day and think happy thoughts (but you don’t need a prescription for that)!!

[thatsjeanius-blog1]

Ouch! That hurt.

We both took the day off to attend an injection training class which is required by our clinic for first time IVF patients. It’s an opportunity for us to practice mixing, prepping and injecting the medications that we would receive as a part of our IVF protocol. Upon completion of the class I was glad it’s a requirement  as it is a bit overwhelming to know what to do with different medications as the steps are unique to each. We were in a small conference room with two other couples and the Medical Assistant who was training us. One of the couples came late so maybe they were a bit flustered but the male partner of that couple accidentally stabbed himself with a mixing needle! I was watching him try to remove the mixing needle from the syringe and he was really struggling. It was only a matter of time before he stabbed himself the way he was handling that thing! I was nervous just watching him. Needless to say, do not rush yourself when handling these pointy suckers!

The most painful part of today’s adventure was during my Uterine Evaluation appointment following class. I met with the nurse who performed three exams. First was to do an ultrasound to update my antral follicle count (results = 25 which is a good number). Second step was to do a sounding which is a mock transfer to test how easy (or not easy) it would be to do an embryo transfer so they can plan for any obstacles the day of ET (results = my cervix was very cooperative and she was able to do the mock transfer with ease, yay!). Then the third procedure was to do an Office Hysteroscopy (OH) which is done by inserting a camera into your uterus and injecting saline to identify if there are any scar tissue, polyps, or fibroids that would prevent implantation. They recommend having a semi full bladder and also recommend taking up to 800mg of Ibuprofen (I only took 400mg) 1 hour before the procedure as there can be some mild cramping. MILD would be an understatement. She initially inserted the camera and I did feel some mild cramping, a bit uncomfortable but bearable, however, she was met with some resistance to get the camera in as deep as she needed to go. She told me she would have to dilate my cervix which would not be pleasant and then she’d try again. Dilating was a success in getting the camera deep enough and they proceeded to inject the saline but the cramping I felt was excruciating. I tried to stay calm as she showed me the openings to both fallopian tubes and the inside of my uterus but I was very close to telling her to stop the procedure because it was so painful. I have never felt cramping like that before, ever, in my life. If that is any indication of what contractions are like during labor, I will, without any hesitation, opt for epidural. The only two things that comforted me after was that everything looked okay with my uterus and that V was with me so he can drive home because there was no way I wanted to drive home. I took another 200mg of Ibuprofen when I got in the car. I hope I never have to do that exam ever again but if I do, I’ll  go with the 800mg recommendation!

Now that we have those must-do’s out of the way, I have the green light to put my medication order through and we will be meeting with our doctor on May 10th to review any final questions, concerns, and review projected outcomes. 

[thatsjeanius-blog1]

Work/(Fertility) Life Balance.

Balancing our personal struggles with work has definitely been an area of stress for me. With my personality having the need to be in control coupled with the high achievement traits makes it challenging when work is busy but I’m trying to coordinate doctor & procedure appointments. Sometimes I wonder if I had an “easier” job that was more relaxing would I have gotten pregnant sooner. But then I think taking a pay cut would add a different type of stress.

So then you think, what if I’m open with my manager/work about going through fertility treatment so that they know why I have so many appointments and are sympathetic to my stress level? Well, this only works in your favor when you have a management team that actually has a heart, or sympathy, or a genuine caring bone in their body. 

Time and time again I fall naive to thinking my management team is caring but really, at the end of the day, they put themselves and the company first. They put on the heartfelt facade of actually sympathizing with your plight for a good ten minutes and then you can see and hear the little gears running of how to manipulate your situation. 

Example #1: When we had a miscarriage

We loss our first baby last year (I’ll save the details for another post) and I was extremely distraught. We had a D&C scheduled so because of that I would miss 1 day of work (a Friday). At the time we were working diligently at trying to acquire a very high maintenance client. I called my manager (trying to hold back tears and failing miserably) to let her know why I would be offline on Friday. I didn’t want them thinking that I was flaking on the job since I had all these other appointments within a very short time span. So the first 10 minutes of the conversation was “Oh I’m so sorry...I heard you guys have been trying (I never told her so obviously nothing stays a secret in the office), so and so had this happen too..let me know what you need, oh I’m so sorry...” I tried to stay as professional as possible and said I’d only be out 1 day and can spend the weekend recovering and would be back online on Monday. Then my manager said “Don’t worry we got it handled....OR...if you want something to take your mind off of things, I HAVE LOTS OF MY PROJECTS I CAN GIVE TO YOU.”

Excuse me? Did I just hear you right? Wow. No, thanks, I’ll pass. I’m just going to mourn the death of my child.

On top of that, my manager emailed me on Friday (the day of the surgery, I even texted her a pic of me in my hospital bed) asking me to work on a task (that was due on Monday) that day or over the weekend. When I didn’t respond to the email she texted me on Sunday morning. Rather than text back and forth with her and everything get all f*cked up, I logged on and spent an hour working on it, in pain, physically and emotionally. I sent it off to the client who didn’t even review it until noon on Monday. I could have just worked on it first thing Monday morning. FML.

Example #2: When said high maintenance client was coming down to the office and work was worried that they’d question why I wasn’t there being the lead rep and all not knowing that I actually don’t work out of the main corporate office. 

I was talking to my sales exec about having to travel down when the client visits and if it was really necessary for me to go. (There are plenty of other team members who can fill in. The only reason why it’s an issue was because of the lack of disclosure of my residence.) I told him I could possibly fly down in April but May’s visit was out of the question. So he asked why. Here’s where you have a choice: to disclose or not disclose? Silly naive me disclosed!! I told him that I was most likely starting IVF at that time and therefore cannot travel. Thus begins the 10 minutes of sympathy “I’m sorry, I know so and so who’s had trouble getting pregnant blah blah blah blah....” This is then followed by “Hmm, how do we explain to the client you’re not here? Maybe we be honest with them and tell them that you’re trying to start a family and you have fertility treatments so you’ll be in and out of the office a lot.”

Excuse me? Did I just hear you right? Wow. I’m pretty sure that would be an HR violation. Instead of disclosing my medical history, how about you just be honest with them and tell them I don’t live in CA? 

So why do I stay with this company? Well for one, I have a lot of seniority, flexibility and a good amount of PTO saved up. Also to qualify for FMLA, you have to have worked at least 1 year with a company. There’s also the added stress of job hunting, interviewing, and taking a new position all the while trying to get pregnant. I had to prioritize what’s important to me and having a child is my #1 priority right now. I just wish I had better support from management but like they say in Corporate America, it’s just business.

[thatsjeanius-blog1]

Risks & Reward.

Today we received our Informed Consent documents and links to informational videos to watch. The consent documents totaled 36 pages that we had to read and review. Most of it contained information about the procedure, what to expect, information regarding different types of medication, risks, risks, and more risks to the patient and also future child. 

One of the processes with IVF includes cryopreservation which you can elect to do should you have any embryos that you would like to freeze for future transfers. However, let’s say you have 6 embryos but you only want 2 children, what would you do with the remaining 4 embryos? What if you pass away? What if your spouse/partner passes away? What if you both pass away? What if you divorce/separate...what happens to the embryos? Some of the options to choose include giving the rights to the other person to then decide what to do, donating to research, donating to the clinic for training/quality control, donating to another couple, or discarding. I can see how some couples may struggle with these tough choices but fortunately V and I were able to mutually decide each scenario rather quickly.

We still have over an hour of educational videos and quizzes to take but it’ll all be worth it in the end if we are blessed with our ultimate reward.