the-entity-with-determination

[the-entity-with-determination]

2. Entry (30.10.2018, 2:30)

Dear Reader,

Today was a simple yet nice day.

School

Chris has finally returned to school today and made everyone's day a bit brighter. (he had some sort of a throat infection)

In the first period I had German. I gave the teacher my homework which I partly have worked on with Naomi (God bless u for helping me bro) and the rest of the lesson just consisted of analyzing a Text.

Second period was English. I normally sit in the first row with one dude from the friend group, but I was too slow and my place got claimed. So I sat down next to the quiet girl from my class. Honestly I want to find out more about her. And maybe even befriend myself with her. I've always noticed that she's sitting alone in the class and never really speaks to anyone. And when some of the teachers tell her to read something, she speaks in a really quiet yet clear voice. And she also never really smiles. I feel like I just should start talking to her. Because it's also very important to have some kind of social life in school. Isn't it boring to just. Not talk to anyone? I think I'll try to interact with her tomorrow. Anyways, back to the period. We were doing some "used to and would" grammatical exercises and as always, it was kinda boring cuz I'm literally doing this thing the third time. My notebook didn't work so I looked at the text with the quiet girl's (let's call her Amanda) computer.

In third period I had IT. And in IT I'm in the first group, which means I always get to interact with Chris and Roxy. It's always very fun to talk with them. But today was even more fun cuz the teacher didn't upload any new exercises to moodle (a school plattform) and I've done all the exercises the night before lmao. Also, I've said before that my notebook doesn't work, and I've asked Chris if he could just delete everything on my computer and put it back to factory setting. (I hope that's what it's called) and he said he wouldn't mind. I just gotta go and search for the external dvd player after I finish writing this entry. Since it was basically a free period, all of us just fooled around and made meme references. I think that some meme was born out of it too lololol.

Then the big break started (which is 15 minutes long). I honestly didn't want to leave Roxy alone in class (Chris and all the other dudes normally go outside to smoke) so I decided to stay with her. We were mainly talking about music. I showed her a nice song, she showed me a nice song. Nice.

Then we had IT again. We've basically done the same thing as in the last period.

In the last two periods which were Biology and French nothing much happened.

After school

After school I tagged along with Roxy. Last time when I did we went to a nearby second hand shop and she found a framed Van Gogh picture (she's a huge Van Gogh fan) and she really wanted to buy it but didn't have enough money (cuz she bought a "rocky horror show" vinyl in the book store we also went to last time.) The bookstore was the weirdest yet coolest one I've ever seen. Like. There were books EVERYWHERE.

And today she finally got to buy the Van Gogh pic and was very satisfied. We also went to "Buttlers" (some sort of home decor store) and she bought some fairy lights that glow in a warm way.

After that we went to McDonald's to chat since she still had some spare time (her train would leave in an hour). We talked about school, friends, and also her smol crush on a dude from my class (he's a chill dude). I've found out recently that he's in a metal band. And she also seemed to know. Buttttt she didn't know that he's the Vocalist of the group. And when she listened to one of their songs she literally fangirled so much it was adorable.

Then we parted ways and I went home. Riding with the tram was rly uncomfortable since many people were inside. Sitting in the bus was less stressful und I also almost fell alseep (I didn't sleep on Sunday night). But once I got out of the bus it was very peaceful. The weather was slightly foggy, the yellow leaves were slowly falling down on the ground, and you could hear children laugh in the distance. I always feel very at peace when I walk in my small village I love it. I also took a lot of pretty pictures of trees, flowers and etc.

Home

I came home and was greeted by my parents and the amazing smell which I've known ever since I was a kid. The good ol' Russian beet soup called "Borscht". Man if only locals knew what they're missing. After I ate I went to my slightly messy room. I'll probably clean it after I come back from Roxy's sleepover. I watched some videos. Had some deep thoughts and fell asleep at 16 something. And then I woke up at 00:36. And watched some videos again. I didn't do any school stuff since I don't have to do any homework til tomorrow. So it's chill.

Now

Rn I'm laying in my bed, listen to a nice Lo-Fi mix called "everytime I see you, I fall in love all over again" and write this entry uwu.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I'll be hanging out with Naomi in her dorm. We'll study some stuff, talk about some fun stuff, have band practice and will return home a little late. But it's nice. Oh and my mother gave me a really nice jacket which also looks vintage-y. I luvvvv. So I'll also look like a snack tomorrow too yaaaas.

That's pretty much it. I hope you had a nice day too, reader! 🌸✨

(03:38)

[the-entity-with-determination]

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The phrase “treat others the way you would like to be treated” has a second interpretation: “treat yourself the way you would treat someone else”

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[the-entity-with-determination]

1. Entry (28.10.2018, 17:35)

Dear reader,

I know. I said I would write frequently here but I was a bit too busy with school and socializing with my friends. But now that I have time, let me summarize what happened in the last couple of weeks.

The new school year

So. The new school year started. It was quite stressful in the first week. Cuz everybody is busy with organizing things n stuff. I didn't talk that much to the new peeps. Only to the ones who also repeated the school year with me. I guess you could say I was too shy to talk to them. One week later the people started to be more sociable and slowly but steadily friend groups started to form. Thankfully I've ended up in the group with the most chill dudes. Aka the peeps that repeat the year and plus one cool gal. (I'll talk about her and one dude in our friend group later.)

Now a thing that kinda got me shook was the fact that some people who applied for this class (I'm in the IT class) didn't even know how to save a word file.. How do they expect to even survive this year with a course which is centered on computer technology... Oh boi.

We also had an outdoor day, (which all freshmen year people have) and this year was the most fun outdoor day I've ever had. I guess the enjoyability really depends on the people. Ngl but I'm glad I repeated the year.

Roxy and Christian

(Real names were changed to made up ones)

Now let's talk about Roxy which joined our friend group. She's amazing.

My first impression was a tad different though. I first thought that she was a normie memer. But when I interacted with her on the Outdoor day, my impression completely changed. After that, I found out about her music taste (which is similar to mine), that she can sing extremely well, that she's really into art and draws herself, that she knows em dank memes, that she's an amazing leader etc. etc. Long story short, I really admire her.

And now to Christian. One year can change so many things. First I was best friends with a really toxic person. Then I cut off that toxic person from my life and two new people entered my life, Samurai, and Naomi. I still am very thankful that when I needed them the most, they were there for me compared to the toxic person. Because of them, I was able to heal and stand on my own two feet. What I'm trying to say is. I didn't expect to end up being such good friends with Chris. Last year he was just another person that irritated me and didn't matter to me. But once I started to interact with him more, talk about different topics and etc. we ended up being friends. If you told me one year ago that this would happen in one year, I'd be confused.

Chris is an interesting person. He always says what's on his mind without feeling any shame. He's also deeper than I thought. He once called me on the phone and said, "Yo go outside and look at one of the stars in the sky." and I did as he said. He said, "Do you know that this star exploded millions lf years ago and that you're looking in the past?" (I already knew that, but it was interesting to know that he even thinks about things like these.). Talking about phone calls. He always calls me when he's high or drunk. And the things he says are always so hilarious and entertaining.

But there was one phone call that made me a little sad.

One night when he was high he said "If I died one day, you guys (friend group) would prolly forget me. And I obviously said I would never. His high self prolly didn't understand me. But I meant what I said. I never forget people who once were dear to me nor their importance.

I've never talked about this to anyone, but I have a simple proof for my words.

So I'm 17. And back in kindergarten when I was 5 I had a really dear friend. Her Name was Kiki. We were almost like soulmates. But one day my family and I had to move houses, which also meant I had to leave her behind. And on the last day, I told her "You'll always stay in my heart." (hwbfjanwjfhe yes I can be very cheesy SHUT UP) and she really did. From time to time I still wonder how she's doing, how she looks like right now, how much she changed for these past 12 years. I still think of her even though it has been such a long time. What recently reminded me of her was the song with the lyrics "Kiki, do you love me?..." and I laughed. Because I thought "Oh man, whoever knows her must be mocking her with this song right now. I wonder how she's doing." it's bittersweet nostalgia.

And I also think that if it really would be the case that Chris would die one day, I'd still think about him when I'm 50 and miss his presence. Like "Oh man that was a funny dude, it's a shame he's not around anymore."

How I'm doing at school

I'm doing better than ever like bihhhhhh I've never done so much studying and homework in my entire school life. And I've also never been that motivated to do anything school related. Life is GOOD YAAAAAAA.

Feelings oof

So. I haven't been in love with anyone for quite a long time and still aren't. But recently I started to notice that I'm getting more attracted to a person. So. I have a history of bad luck in love. And I've always done the same mistake of telling my love interests about my feelings. And if I really end up being in love with them, I'll just stay silent and enjoy their company as a friend. But I'm also scared that this love might not end up as genuine love, but just loving the idea of being in love with someone. I'm quite a lonely gal so, that must highly likely be it.

Gosh darn, will I ever find THE true love? I'm so lonelyyyyyyyy.

Some things I noticed about myself and am too afraid to ask at this point

Soooooo. I can't talk well. I've never talked without making a single mistake. I run out of breath. I swallow words without noticing. I can't construct sentences in my head without thinking about it for a period of time. And if I have to talk fast, my sentences are incomplete or don't make sense. hELP.

I've also noticed, that when there's background noise (like birds, construction work, other people talking, etc...) I can't hear what the person in front of me is saying although I try really hard to make out the words. Not to be confused with volume. I have a really good hearing and hear stuff that many people can't hear. But my problem is that I can't comprehend the words when there are distracting noises.

Okay. That's all that I wanted to write. Thanks for reading and have a good morning, day, evening or night! 💕🌸✨

(19:00)

[the-entity-with-determination]

My social media

Tumblr: Shitpost, Art

Instagram: Shitpost, Art

[the-entity-with-determination]

Introduction

Hi there!

On this blog, I call myself Coffee, I am 16 years old, born on the 2nd of October (I'm a Libra), 5'2 feet (159 cm), a freshman in high school and a gal. The course I am in is "TecMedia". This is one of the two IT courses at my school. TecMedia does more creative stuff. Like web design, logo design, programming websites and so on. InfoTec is more math based and is more difficult. You learn how to build computers, some programming stuff too and etc.

I am of Russian blood, live in Austria and speak 3 languages fluently which are Russian, German and English. I can understand Ukrainian but I can't speak it well. Currently studying French at school and I wish to learn Korean.

My interests are drawing (mostly digitally, which is why I also joined the TecMedia course), singing, playing the ukulele, anime ofc, some cartoons, and having a good time with my best friends (which I call Naomi and Samurai here lol)

Fav music genres: lo-fi, v a p o r w a v e, k-/j-/pop, Russian/American rap, indie rock/pop

Fav music artists: In love with a ghost, Joji, Childish Gambino, Troye Sivan, Hailey Kiyoko, moe shop, BTS, p!atd, top, nsp, Nicki Minaj (don't judge me she's my childhood), makeout Monday

Fav subjects: English, Art, IT, Music

Fav colors: blue, red, black, white, gold

I've got 3 pets. One German shepherd dog called Gibor and two Tonkinese cats called Aki and Mei.

I live with my parents and I love them very much. Of course, there are some difficulties sometimes. But which family doesn't. We still make it through and end up having a good conversation with a cup of tea.

My first ever step to getting better was getting rid of a toxic friend and let people inside my life which really cared about me. And they are Naomi and Samurai! I love them very much and I'm so grateful to have them in my life.

If ya noticed, yea I am a lil bit old to be in the freshman year. Reason for that is mental health issues and no feeling of responsibility. But this year I feel like I could make it.

My current class is pretty nice. They're not as loud and rude as the people in my last year and some look like I might have good business with school wise (like projects, telling which homework we've got in case someone is sick,..). Of course, there are still some annoying people in the class but it's tolerable. And I must say. I've got very lucky with the teachers this year. The prayers weren't for nothing uwu. (oh btw I am Christian buuuuuut not a strictly religious one. I am not homophobic. Like. I am pan myself)

That's it for now! Hope we will be good friends! 🌸✨

[the-entity-with-determination]

Restart

Hi there anyone who has been reading my diary! It has been a while since I wrote anything here. I've got some news and updates. I'm feeling much better now. Better than ever. Not as well as in my childhood but I'm getting there. I plan to restart this diary. Basically start off from the first entry again with a brighter spirit. I also want to make this my school diary so I can note down how my school day went. I'll start off with an introduction in my next post. 🌸✨

(Uhuhuhu love the pink text color)

[the-entity-with-determination]

[the-entity-with-determination]

Monday, 28th of May 2018 (5:51)

Dear diary,

I've come back, I thought I didn't need you anymore because I thought I got better. Seems I was wrong. I'm feeling like shit again. I hate it that when you start to think you got better, everything comes crumbling down again. Like. I was building this wall of happiness for two months, it was stable until this storm of negativity crushed it with a single blow.

I've been feeling emotionaly drained out. Or maybe more like drowning in emotions and not being able to breathe, chocking slowly. I'm back to listening to depressing music, not doing any sorts of self care, being harsh to myself mentally, not defending myself, scratching my skin til it bleeds, distancing myself from people or any interaction (cuz when I feel vulnerable I do not want to dissapoint or make people worry about me). There's one more negative thing I've started doing. Well. For school and my grades it may be good. But for my mental health it's pure torture. I started making myself think that if I don't study for something and just lay around and do nothing or "chill" I will fail in that subject, then having to repeat a year, which ai obviously will not allow so I drop out of school, which follows with being a highschool dropout and leading a miserable life and not being able to do the things I love, which I also don't want to happen so it follows with suicide.

I just find it amazing how the education system is making some students go insane because of school. It's abnormal to think that if you fail a grade you will die. But I do. And it's the only thing that motivates me to study. I'm afraid it's the only motivation that can make me productive. Trust me. I've tried any kind of technique. None of them worked. None of them made me motivated and productive. And then. I remembered an upperclassman (which graduates this year) saying that fear is the best motivation. And he was right.

This technique brings me a lot of mental pain. But I've got no other choice. I want to lead a successful life as an adult. I do not want to end up living off of the money of my parents, and I also want to pay back my parents. Because I was a complicated little shit to raise. And still am. I mostly want to pay them back because I feel ashamed of all the failures I have done. Just thinking about those dissapointed faces of my parents makes me feel like drowning.

And the comments from my father like "I knew you were going to fail" or the one comment that I'll probably remember for the rest of my life is this one: In the year 2016 I had an entrance exam for my current school. It was hard and nerve wrecking and the chances that I'm going to pass were grim. But I made it and felt so proud of myself. But then my father said. "Tbh I thought you would fail."

And just hearing that you'll never be enough for a parent is just so. Frustrating. My father is an A+ parent, isn't he? When your child succeeds in something and is proud of it, you should be proud with them, and not the complete opposite by saying that you had no hope for them.

My father never had any hope in me. I'm always going to be a dissapointment in his eyes.

"No matter what you touch, it'll break!" "Can't you do anything right?" "I shouldn't have let you do that." And so on.

One more thing why I want to graduate, study in a university and have a stable and good paying job is to escape from this home.

I love my parents. But sometimes they really do leave big emotional scars on me. And I don't want to stand that abusive behavior my whole life.

Moving on. Now about my school situation.

My grades are honestly better than ever. But. My emotional state is worse than ever. And not gonna lie, I deserve it. I almost did nothing for school the whole semester until the recent month. But I'm also proud of my ability to study something in a short time (which you would normally study for a whole semester) and have a great mark on it at the end. But. It drains a lot of mental energy. But thankfully. All this is only temporary. After school ends. I'll be fine again.

But.

There's this one huge concern of mine. Math. I've never been good at that fucker.

Now. If you didn't know, I've already repeated the 9th grade (so I was in 9th grade last year (but never repeated a class before) and am in a ninth grade again). And there was a big list of subjects I've failed in. And one of them was math.

So. According to Samurai, you cannot fail the same subject two years in a row. Because you'd have to repeat a year AGAIN. And I honestly had another big mental breakdown once I've read that information.

I have 3 attempts on succeeding in math and not getting a bad mark. Which gives me a little bit of hope. 1. One is the exam (which is in 10 days so I doubt I'll succeed this one cuz I also gotta concentrate on other subjects) 2. One is the oral exam. And the 3. One is the huge exam at the beginning of the year. And I really hope I don't have to do that one cuz tbh it's a pain in the ass.

Today I'm feeling really fucking bad (cuz of all the mental shit) and also physically cuz my stomach had been being weird since Saturday. I'll probably have to check myself up at the doctor. Like. I feel like puking all the time but I'm still able to eat and not make that puke feeling worse. And I can't sleep properly cuz of that feeling.

So. I won't be at school today. But I'll try to force myself to study. Cuz I really gotta succeed this year.

See ya (6:56)

[the-entity-with-determination]

breaking news from 3:47am on a monday morning

[the-entity-with-determination]

calm down.

[the-entity-with-determination]

I love this song

also really fun to draw

[the-entity-with-determination]

: (

[the-entity-with-determination]

see me

[the-entity-with-determination]

I am being watched.