the-growth-diaries

[the-growth-diaries]

Ode to a messy breakup

I want to get to the place where I forgive you. I really do. But how do I do that when I’ve been hurt so viciously. I want to give you grace and I’ve been trying really hard to. But I’m just so angry at you. And I care about you too much to see you deteriorating away at yourself like this.

And I hate that I care cause clearly you don’t. And I don’t know the person you are anymore and that is terrifying. Because I thought I knew you. I believed that if I knew anyone, I knew you. And now I don’t. All in a month I don’t know the person I used to love. I don’t know the person who I planned my future with. And I’m so tired of looking back to find what went wrong. And then being mad about it. I’m so sick of being mad at you.

I want bygones to be bygones. But I feel like bygones speak to each other. I don’t know.

Maybe I miss you.

Maybe I miss my best friend. Maybe I want to be loved. Maybe I don’t want to associate you with hurt and anger. Maybe I thought you would be the one I marry. Maybe I look out my window hoping to see you peeking out from yours. I’m sick of it. I want to forgive you. I want to talk with you. Why did this end messy if I didn’t do anything to you? Why toss me aside all in one night?

Was there anything I could have done to keep you with me? Sad to say, I would have changed because I loved you so much. I know better now. Do I? Do I know better? I miss you. Or, I miss who I used to love. I miss my best friend. I can’t even say hi to you right now.

Isn’t that crazy? But it doesn’t seem like you’re making an effort. Why are you not making an effort?

All I get back are stares. Stares that I give back because I’m too worried about what will happen when I do greet you. Will I get the cold shoulder? Will we talk? I don’t want to be hopeful if we actually talk. But I fucking hate small talk. And I hate awkward conversations in front of friends who know what’s going on. I’m scared you don’t want to talk to me. I’m scared that you view me in the same way I view you.

An asshole with bad hair and teeth, who is kind of ugly and isn’t taking care of themselves. And that terrifies me. Cause I look in the mirror and I feel beautiful and I look beautiful. But what if you look in the mirror and feel the same? But I see you for your ugly sides now. I didn’t think I would see them. I didn’t think you would see mine either. But what if you do?

I’m terrified that you resent me. I don’t know what for, but I think you do. Why else would you stop reaching out? Not like you ever did since the break up. I think you resent me. How else do you stop loving me so fast? Why can’t I stop thinking about you? Why, why, why….

[the-growth-diaries]

Thank god someone bulleted me away from the worst decision of my life

[the-growth-diaries]

Do I even exist to you?

I don't think I will ever understand why you haven't reached out yet. I'm not the one who broke up. I'm the one who was blindsided into thinking you still loved me. And that you still cared about me. Clearly your silence is answer enough. But it doesn't make it better. It doesn't make it hurt any less. I guess I just thought you cared about me more. I thought you saw forever in us but really you just saw another week. I still think about you everyday. Do you think about me? I just wish you would tell me. Or that someone close to both of us would tell me. I feel exhausted just fighting for the person I love. Caring how the person I love is doing. I've typed so many messages and deleted them. Typed in your Instagram just to see if you've posted. I don't deserve the silence because I didn't do the breaking. Why don't you love me? What made you stop? What made you lie? I'm so tired and I miss you like hell. How could you get rid of my so easily? How could you push me away so fast? Do I even exist to you?

[the-growth-diaries]

I don’t need you, but I miss you. (The start of the third week)

I don’t need you. And life still goes on. But I miss you. And you don’t miss me. At least you’re not letting the world know you do. We said we should be friends. Friends look at peoples Instagram stories. This is the start of the third week and you don’t seem to miss me at all?? What the fuck. I don’t need you. But I miss you. And I think of how weird it’s going to be when I go back to school. How detached you’re going to be. and how I’ll maybe go on dates and live a whole different life until I can audition for the next play. And you’ll live the same life because nothing changed for you. But everything changed for me. I don’t need you. I don’t need someone who broke my heart as fast and as easy as snapping a twig. I don’t need someone who says “i love you” that morning and who I bought matching Christmas pajamas for that same day but says “I can’t do this anymore” without letting me get a word in for myself. I don’t need that. The prospect of finding love again is not broken or damaged. That’s bullshit. Life is far too interesting for that. People are far too interesting for that. I don’t need you. But I love you and I miss you. Because in hindsight, you weren’t abusive. You’re just dumb and busy. You weren’t a bad partner. You just don’t know what you want. But I need a partner who’s all of that and more. I know who I am. I know what I need and I know how to communicate it. I miss that. When did you stop communicating with me? When did you stop loving me and why didn’t I see the signs long before? Why are you avoiding every semblance of me? Is it distracting? Is it reminding you of me, in the afternoon walking to your car with small bags of your things? Is that the thing YOU don’t need? The reminders of good times. Before you lost yourself. Before you became a shell of distraction. I don’t need that. I don’t need you, but I miss who you were three weeks ago.

[the-growth-diaries]

12.17.2023

You deleted my birthday post. Or archived it or something. You unfollowed me on tik tok. This is really the end huh. You don’t want to see me or have anything to do with me. Do you know how that feels? And I bet you’re hurting, but you’re doing really good at pushing out the person who loved and cared about you. My heart hurts. My head hurts. I tried to download a dating app because I want to give my love and get that back in return. But I don’t have any good photos. All the good photos are of us because I wanted you in my life. I wanted my happy times,the times where I felt and looked good, I wanted them to be with you. You fucked up and I just pray that one day you will recognize it. Cause I’m sitting here on this queen sized air mattress we used to share when we drove up to my sisters. And I swear I could still feel you holding me in it last night. A phantom of the good times that you ruined. And I ache and I sting. I ache for what used to be. That you ripped away from me. And what you keep throwing out, deleting and unfollowing. I DIDNT DO ANYTHING TO YOU. So why am I being punished? All I did was love.

[the-growth-diaries]

Face me again

I miss you. I miss you so much that my heart and head hurts. You wrecked a good thing. I keep daydreaming that you’ll drive up here and say sorry and that you love me. Because it not my fault and I didn’t do anything wrong and you keep running away. Stop running

[the-growth-diaries]

Face me.

My trust that I have built up has now been demolished. You did that. And you could build it up- but you don’t want to. You don’t want to and that is devastating. Fucker. Just face me, stop running, stop avoiding. FACE ME and say what you’re thinking. Cause right now you are a caged up, shell of a person who just doesn’t know. Doesn’t know how good he had it. How much this girl loved him. Fuck you. I never asked for much. I don’t think you realized that. I just asked you to love me and I would love you in return. You know that. But it was too much for you to give your love to me. Asshole. A hug or kiss that takes 10 seconds costs nothing. You can’t care for someone right now. I hope one day you can but I won’t come running to you. You have burned me. I hope you’re burning too.

[the-growth-diaries]

12.16.2023

I hope you wake up and regret what you’ve done. I loved you with all my heart and you made the choice. And you can’t have this heart. Not now at least. I think you’re being stupid- and I can’t give my love and energy to someone right now who doesn’t know what they want. I hope you find what you want but I can tell rn it’s not me. And that fucking stings. But YOU made that decision for the both of us. The only thing I feel for you right now is pity. I pity that you ruined something good. I pity that you don’t know what you want. I pity what could have been. I pity you.

[the-growth-diaries]

Life got to hard for you?

I deserve someone who will love me. And will communicate their needs to me. You didn’t do that at the end. Though I tried, this whole breakup is on you. I love you. A part of me will love you for a long time. You’re so wonderful and I miss you everyday. And I truly think you could have been the person who deserved me. And we can be that again if YOU want to put in the energy. Do you want to put in the energy? Why did you ever stop? Because finals and life got to be too much? I understand that, but to stop this right then and there was a mistake. A massive mistake. You could have communicated with me. What are you scared of? That I would hold you back? When have I ever held you back? Are you even happy? Do you feel relief now that you don’t see my face everyday? You were the person I could have given the world to and loved with every part of my being. But you made that decision for the both of us. And that’s not fair. If this is a marriage fear- I can wait. I need to wait actually, after this. I was starry eyed. I know that now. Marriage especially in the families that we were raised in is scary. If you understand that from both sides then talk with me. Don’t give up on us. Why would you end a good thing? No, a great thing? And bullshit to the not loving me anymore. That’s Bullshit. I see your face and I see your eyes. You love me. Stop running from me and work with me like you used to before LIFE GOT HARD. Commit to us.

[the-growth-diaries]

A better day

I will not wait for you. I’m going to love my life and if you want to give this a try- we will have to have a conversation about that. I will leave the door open for you but I will not be holding that door open. That doesn’t mean I’m going to start dating right away. I’m still in the process. But we’re going to be around each other cause it’s college- your window is literally right there, and mutual friends. I don’t want to ignore you. But I don’t want to overstep if you’re feeling suffocated.

[the-growth-diaries]

I didn’t get a choice.

I didn’t get a say in this relationships end. And a relationship is supposed to be two people. You didn’t even give me the option. I had no control how this ended because you stripped me from that. Fuck you. FUCK you and fuck how much I care about you. FUCK YOU! We could have been so much more but you made that decision for both of us. I deserve better than that. I deserve better than a shocking rip away. You’re ridiculous. FUCK YOU. FUCK THAT I GAVE MY LOVE TO YOU CAUSE CLEARLY YOU DIDNT APPRECIATE IT OR WANT IT.

[the-growth-diaries]

Life now

It feels like you want nothing to do with me and that fucking hurts. Because just a week ago I wanted everything to do with you and i thought you wanted that in return. It sucks. It’s just fucking sucks. But you did this to yourself.

[the-growth-diaries]

Unfair breakup

Is there anything you weren’t truthful with me in the breakup?

Are you happy? Do you feel fulfilled?

Did you consider the break at all?

Do you regret it?

Do you regret me?

Do you love me?

Do you miss me? I miss you.

Do you think of me?

[the-growth-diaries]

A month later

What a month its been. I’m learning to love myself and pick up the pieces from past hurts.

And I actually like who I see when I look in the mirror. I feel so alive. And my emotions are out and full for the world to see.

I don’t feel like a blank page anymore. Or incomplete. I was never incomplete in the first place. I was just wearing a blindfold apparently.

I am truly happy and truly sad some days. But all that matters is I’m living my truth and relishing every second. Every laugh, every tear. Even every shout.

Signed, I feel fucking alive again.

[the-growth-diaries]

Day 5

I cut my hair! I’ve been wanting to for 2 weeks and finally the day came! I’m absolutely obsessed and it feels so light and beautiful.

My horoscope today said that today is a day for art, and that’s exactly what I did. I do digital art and it’s been my outlet recently. And it was right. Today was a day for art. I’m feeling much better and I’m ready for the weekend

Sincerely, infinite

[the-growth-diaries]

Day 4

Its strange how if you didn’t exist in my camera roll or messages, Its like you don’t even exist. While the memories of us were sweet they’ve recently turned sour. Maybe they’re like a wine and will get better through age. But right now I do not wish to dwell on it. In fact, this is the last day that I will talk about you. The growth diaries is primarily focused on my growth. Not my growth compared to you. Se la vie. The half a year we spent together was wonderful and I wouldn’t change it for the world. But right now, this is my narrative. And I am the main character of my story no matter how often you wrote me as a side character. My condolences to you and your superiority complex.

Signed, The Main Character

[the-growth-diaries]

Day 3

My mind still wanders to you, but not as much. With a mind as imaginative as my mind, the wandering won’t disappear for a while. But when I think of you I don’t have sadness anymore. I’m taken over by melancholy now. A remembrance of what was and what we were to each other.

I went and had fun today. Did a jog, laid around for a few hours of the day. The last bit I spent with a friend. We got hot girl sushi and saw a movie. The elvis movie is spectacular btw.

Overall it was a good day. And I’m not getting the nighttime sad anymore .

Signed, feeling satisfied