the-new-me-8

[the-new-me-8]

Happily Never After

(WARINGING!!! Mentions of grape and sexual assault. Very brief mention of roe vs wade)

I am not about this current love masquerade.

I feel like I’m Cinderella and I got all dressed up to come to the ball that everyone was ranting and raving about only to find out that the so called “castle” is a basement.

That I put WAYYYYY more thought into this event than everyone else has and now they’re looking at me crazy. “Who does she think she is?!” When I’m friendly but uphold my boundaries it’s “why is she being weird?!”.

Shouldn’t Cinderella know that she’s just lucky to be here. Doesn’t she know she should be kissing their feet delighted by the invitation.

Now let me see if I got this right I should be grateful for this bargin brand knock off of an experience you have laid out for me. I should be leaping for joy and bursting with fruit flavor to be surrounded by people who want to receive love but don’t have the first clue as to how to give it.

I’m confused, they patronize me and say I just don’t know better yet that this is how it’s supposed to be THIS is the dream.

So I’m supposed to log on to tinder, bumble, hinge and pray that a so called prince will send me an invitation. And once I accept this invitation I’m supposed to allow him to court me on and off, and on and off, and on and off, for the foreseeable future? I’m supposed to be forgive his mistakes and be understanding to his excuses. I’m supposed to smile and nod as he forgets the etiquette of a conversation. I’m supposed to sit and pray that one day he he will realize there are no better options and he’s just afraid of commitment and hopefully seek therapy. I’m supposed to flatter him as he subtly negs me. I’m supposed to accept that he may slip something into my drink and accept that if we do make it past the threshold of a private space I should EXPECT to be pressured if not forced into coitus that night.

I’m supposed to be silent and complicit to this attack upon my body. I’m supposed to lay down and stay still if not REASSURE HIM that even though he is MAKING me do something I don’t want to do, that will scar me for life leaving a stain on my soul, that he is still a good person and that this terrible relapse in judgment doesn’t define him. Or that I deserved it and that he just couldn’t help himself and that’s my fault.

So it’s my fault?

It’s my fault that I got excited for the ball.

It’s my fault there was no ball.

It’s my fault that he wasn’t a prince.

It’s my fault that I left the ball with him in the first place whether I was conscious or not.

It’s my fault that he chased me.

It’s my fault that he couldn’t help himself.

And it’s also my fault when he leaves.

And now 2024 it’s also my fault if I’m impregnated and die or survive a traumatic birth….

Who will tell these young women that these fairytales and stories are just a very clever form of manipulation?

These stories where the system makes the dragon also the prince.

So scared of frogs giving us warts we forget that human or not he can sink his teeth into us.

That this fairy tail can turn into a horror movie really quickly.

Young women grow to look forward to hand holding and kissing when young boys look forward to obtaining their prize and mounting it on….

And no one thought that was fucked up? … that girls got that little surprise.

That princes don’t exist… that the fairy tale never ends because it won’t even start…

Cinderella runs away from her abusive household hoping to find love…. Real life Cinderella gets the above.

- Ari Crooks

(My grammar and punctuation is ass and I know that and I am sorry. I write right when I should be going to bed and I don’t wanna fix em)

[the-new-me-8]

Are you there god…it’s me.

(Warnings!!! Mentions of religious trauma, suicidal ideation (in the past tense), and some trauma. if that will trigger you feel free to scroll past.

I grew up with an absent God.

I only heard stories of his greatness.

Never seen and never heard.

But I was assured

That he he existed.

He wasn’t dead and he wasn’t just in my head.

He was real despite the fact that I couldn’t feel.

And when I cried and sobbed in the corner

Hoping that this pain would be a former…

Occurrence. He never showed up.

The yelling continued.

The crying continued.

The hatred ensued.

And I just wanted to be with you.

But you never came.

You never saved the day.

I remember when I realized that what I was asking was to die…

I remember I couldn’t do anything but laugh.

At school I was reminded why those that didn’t believe in you were separate.

I was slapped for swearing.

Praised for sharing.

Threatened for showing skin.

Because that would mean that I was something akin to sin.

I hated myself.

I hated my body.

I hated my thoughts my feelings.

Because everyone told me they were wrong.

And every year I waited for the end of the world.

I waited so long till I realized…

It wasn’t gonna happen

Not quickly at least.

No.

I learned that our world will most like erupt into a dangerous dystopia.

That we will bake beneath our sun.

Who use to be the only one that would bring us joy after a long winter.

While some with tsunami’s and earthquakes others will bake like an egg on the side of the road.

We will be our own demise.

And you have a plan or so I’m told.

And I hear it’s something to behold.

But everytime I get so scared.

And I wounder If you ever really cared.

Where do I give credit?

I was forced to believe in you and I did and I loved you with everything I had and now I realize…I didn’t know who or what you were.

Our relationship was built off of lies and lack of knowledge.

I was lazy and didn’t want to acknowledge that I didn’t fully believe in what the priest were preaching.

But how do you tell Christian’s that the love they were screeching made you hate yourself.

I don’t hate you. I do believe in you. I know there is a God there is a source.

Like of course.

But I don’t know much about you.

I found a practice I like a lot.

Sometimes I wonder if you lead me to it or not.

I am healing my relationship with you and with myself.

I am taking self love off the shelf, replacing it with humbleness, and stepping into a life full of bliss.

I will no longer hate myself.

I know it wasn’t because of you.

Humans can be nasty. Humans lie.

I still love you. But now I’m gonna learn to love me too.

- Ari Crooks