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Everybody gets at least 2 superpowers upon arrival on this planet.

You used to be able to choose them but since there are so many people now there's a big hat and you just pull 2 slips of paper.

Some people get Useful powers, like being able to always find a good parking space, or being able to pull an outfit or meal or product together at the drop of a hat, etc. Nothing like Super Strength or Laser Vision or Invisibility or anything big like that. Those powers got weeded out of the gene pool pretty early on, for obvious reasons. No, it's just stuff that is Useful, mostly, nowadays.

Unless you're the unfortunate recipient of Useless Superpowers.

Or worse: two of them.

That would be me, incidentally.

My Primary Superpower is the consistent/ persistent ability to hit every traffic light red. Every traffic light. And usually for tge full cycle.

I hit fresh red, is what I'm saying.

What I'm also saying is that you do not want me as the getaway driver for whatever heist you've got planned: it's guaranteed we'll get caught within 10 minutes only 3 blocks from the heist.

My Secondary Superpower seems to be always and unerringly choosing the absolutely s l o w e s t line (queue) in any place where there are >1 lines / queues.

Probably a spillover from my Primary, I guess.

Could be worse: at least I'm not the one who got Ability To Be The Biggest Asshole On The Planet or something odious like that.

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What, the forest-dwelling entities with imperfect human mimicry who insinuate themselves into groups of hikers? Yeah, we had one of those. Clocked it immediately, of course. Honestly it kind of fell in that so-inept-it's-kind-of-charming range. We just played along until it'd had it's fill of marshmallows and shambled back into the treeline. We might have been violating some kind of killjoy wildlife contact best practices but what the hell, can't plan around every little thing. Why, what happened to you guys

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“The old magic persists thanks to it’s unfathomable power.”

No, the old magic persists because the new magic can’t run the legacy spells I need to do my job, and keeps trying to install spirits I don’t want or need onto my orb.

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How does or even can one apologize to an entire planet for our ratbag administration who have likely sentenced tens or possibly hundreds of millions to poverty, hunger, disease, and death?

I mean. A fruit basket doesn't fix extinction really.

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So what's the over/under on the number of rich white guys who are suddenly coming to the realization that they've been screwed and even worse that they are now at risk of being Luigi'ed for their ties to Trump?

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The dystopian story I'm writing in my head.

Chronic pain people turn out to be secret superheroes in the 2nd Revolution.

I'm here in this dungeon and you want to get the secret plans outta me, want me to rat on my colleagues. And you think to torture me to get it?

Go ahead. Good luck.

Oh. We done already?

Dude. That was, like, an average Tuesday, in terms of pain. I mean, you might have bumped me up to an 8 if you'd kept going, but honestly

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Watching Bob Ross turn a black canvas into an intimate and mysterious pond scene makes one realize that he's painting the scene from back to front: building up layers of paint foliage in the background way before he ever starts talking about happy little trees.

But that isn't the way we view the world, is it?

I see the upclose stuff first. Maybe middle view stuff after that. The background may not ever be perceived, at least by one.

And one has no idea whether this realization is "dude, that's normal, duh, everyone knew that," or not.

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When one receives $100 for ones birthday, it's only right and proper to turn around and spend it on new sex toys to add to the fleet, right?

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If one suddenly has a flash of insight into one's likely demise.

Does one tell others about it? Then they might misconstrue it as being suicidal and that whole chain reaction goes off.

Does giving it voice invoke it? Make it inevitable?

Or does one just not say anything, shove hands into pockets, turn and walk away. Disavow the whole shebang. Never saw a goddamned thing. Nope.

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I hate photos of me. I have never liked them.

In what few I have since the advent of the digital camera age, you might note that I am never looking directly at the camera. Profile shots only.

It's because I don't look like that. That person in that photo isn't me. I don't know who that is, but it's not me.

This is why I've loved wearing a mask since i started transitioning. Those two events overlap for Reasons To Be Explained Later but it's been so incredibly liberating to have a valid reason for wearing a mask in public.

It's like "maybe people will not see the outside face that doesn't look like me and will just go on my physicality and voice."

Long oh shit not another Realization story made shorter: Dysphoria affects me a whole lot more than I ever realized

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Cats: Never admit guilt, never apologize, and always make it the humans' problem.

Remind me again -- why do we love these furry little sociopaths?

But then. They really are the only good thing left on the Internet.

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Why are the standard usual household tasks that were supposed to have been completely automated by now, well... Not?

Screw self-driving cars, I want automatic laundry robots to do the whole thing. Collects and separates things, washes each load and dries it -- and then folds everything exactly how the clothes' wearer wants it and then puts everything away for you.

But hey, techbros don't ever do their own laundry, so I guess i shouldn't be surprised.... 🙄

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Same

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Musical craving I had tonight

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Note to self

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Well, shit

I HAVE named the sex toys

I have GOT to get a boyfriend.