the-vampire-lance

[the-vampire-lance]

Yesterday my mom’s blond friend was sitting in the dark in the guest bedroom. I turned on the light and she was like “woah!” And blinked.

I asked her if she was alright and she said “yeah it’s fine my legs just needed to adjust to the light.”

Today, she came out of the bathroom after taking a number 1 and said “whooo that’s better! I can see clearly now!”

Me: lmao rofl 🤣

[the-vampire-lance]

My dad did a lot of questionably stupid things when I was little but I think the time he got fireworks and shot off this big one in the middle of the road as a car was coming takes the cake.

I might have been at the age were I wouldn’t know better but I was my mother’s daughter and knew that it was a bad idea. And told my dad so. He didn’t listen to me. 🤷‍♀️

Fortunately the car stopped right in front of the fireworks as they were going off. But then a while later we all had to hide in the house with the lights off when a police officer came. I still remember hiding under the window as the cop shined his flashlight through it, looking for us.

After he left, I turned to my dad and gave him a big fat “I TOLD YOU SO!”

It’s been years and my mom hasn’t heard about this till now.

Needless to say she was both shocked that it happened but not surprised that my dad was stupid enough to do it.

Now she wishes she found out back then so she could have used it to get full custody of me.

I wish I would have told her about it then too 😆

[the-vampire-lance]

I remember back during the pandemic, I was wearing a mask and sneezed. My mom turned to me and said “cover your mouth when you sneeze!”

Me: 😒

[the-vampire-lance]

“Lol dude that wasn’t kissing, I just gave you a raspberry. You do know what raspberries are right?” Lets Keith go and ruffles his hair playfully.

“Would you rather I bite you?…. You do look awfully tasty…” Lance licks his lips as he tilts Keith head back. Leaning in close to his neck, ready to bite.

(Hangs upside down above Keith and covers his eyes) GUESS WHO! 😁

Keith: huh- NOT YOU AGAIN

*he backs away and pulls out the knife*

Keith: YOUR NOT WIFEING ME UP

[the-vampire-lance]

I want one now! Lol 😆

Allura would let me keep one on the ship right?

Voltron: lance gets a new pet!

Meet azul the flerken.

Lance returns home to his family on earth after a short adventure out in space on the atlas.

Lance: hay mom! Hay everyone! Check it out, I got a new pet!

Holds up a greyish blue cat.

Mom: aww it’s so cute!

Veronica: how did you manage to find a cat out in space? 🤨

Marco: dude you go on an adventure in space and come back with a cat instead of a girl? That’s lame! You’re gonna be like a crazy old cat lady. Lol

Lance: you say that now but you haven’t even seen azul’s really cool trick. It’s a good one. Wanna see it? 😈

Marco: pfft sure. Let’s see it. 😏

Lance: azul, EAT MARCO! 😈

Suddenly azul’s mouth opens and a bunch of tentacles come out, grab Marco and pulls him into azul’s mouth where he disappears, screaming as he goes.

Everyone: 😱😨😳………. (Everyone suddenly start screaming)

Mom: LANCE CHARLES MCCLAIN ¡HAZ QUE ESA BESTIA DIABÓLICA ESCUPA A TU HERMANO AHORA MISMO, JOVEN! ¿ME OYES? ¡AHORA MISMO! 😡

——————————————

I just found out about flerkens from a video clip of the movie the marvels and I’ve fallen in love with these furry little guys!

It made me imagine Lance having a flerken of his own.

Don’t worry, lance’s brother Marco is ok. Flerkens have a pocket dimension in their bodies where everything they eat sits safe and sound. People who get eaten will stay alive inside the kitty until they are spit out.

As for what Lance’s mom said. I used google translator to write that so if it’s inaccurate, I apologize. But what she said was “YOU MAKE THAT DEVIL BEAST SPIT OUT YOUR BROTHER RIGHT NOW YOUNG MAN! DO YOU HEAR ME?! RIGHT NOW!”

[the-vampire-lance]

The lady gave Keith his massage, working out all the knots and relieving tension.

As she massaged Keith, she explained what she was doing to Lance and showed him how he can give his own pokemon these massages himself during their travels.

Lance thanked the lady and mentally grew excited at the idea of giving Keith these massages later.

Keith ran, jumped and landed, just like they practiced. Then he waited for the rock tomb to form and finish.

When Keith landed on the ground, Lance tapped his foot and sent the transmutation to shoot up in front of Keith and form pillars that folded together into a rock tomb.

[the-vampire-lance]

Updated my rules post that I have pinned on my blog.

If you plan on talking to me, read my rules first please.

[the-vampire-lance]

The lady finished Keith’s claw and proudly announced “there! All done! They are smooth and sharp as knives, just perfect for pokemon battles!”

Lance knelt down and felt Keith’s claws.

“Wow, those are smooth and sharp. I bet you could help hunk out in the kitchen but cutting up vegetables. Or meat!”

Lance couldn’t help himself as he rubbed Keith’s cheeks and leaned in to give Keith a kiss on the forehead. Keith always looked so cute in wolf form.

The lady showed them to the next room where there was relaxing music playing and incense burning. Several pokemon were laying on tables getting massages. ”here your pokemon will receive a full body massage and aromatherapy.” Then she turned to Keith. “Hop up on the massage table and we can get started.”

Keith ran, jumped and landed, just like they practiced. Then he waited for the rock tomb to form and finish.

When Keith landed on the ground, Lance tapped his foot and sent the transmutation to shoot up in front of Keith and form pillars that folded together into a rock tomb.

[the-vampire-lance]

Lance chuckled, nodded and turned to the lady. “ lol ok buddy. He’ll have them sharp.”

The lady looked at Lance surprised, then nodded back and began working on Keith’s claws.

“Wow that’s amazing that you can understand your pokemon. You must have a really strong bond with him.”

Lance scratched the back of his head and mumbled sheepishly. “You have no idea. Don’t get him started on that.”

Lance could practically hear Keith shouting in his head “OF COURSE WE HAVE A STRONG BOND! WE HAD A BONDING MOMENT! I CRADLED YOU IN MY ARMS!”

Keith is never gonna let Lance hear the end of this.

While the lady worked on Keith’s nails, Lance came over and fondly petted Keith’s head. He marveled at how soft Keith’s fur was.

“Wow, she really did a great job! Your fur is so soft, I could use you as a pillow or and fur wrap and wrap you around me.”

Keith ran, jumped and landed, just like they practiced. Then he waited for the rock tomb to form and finish.

When Keith landed on the ground, Lance tapped his foot and sent the transmutation to shoot up in front of Keith and form pillars that folded together into a rock tomb.

[the-vampire-lance]

Medical riddle: blood transfusion dalema

You are a doctor and you get two patients who are both in serious need of a blood transfusion.

One is AB+

The other is O-

You have only one bag of O- blood.

Who do you give the transfusion to?

[the-vampire-lance]

“Not a toy but you are a cuddly teddy bear…. An aggressive stabby emo teddy bear, but a teddy bear all the same.”

Gives Keith a squishy hug.

“You can’t pour milk on an eclair cake. Dairy or non dairy, That would ruin it. I swear your just as bad as my Keith. He’d literally eat month old salmon right out of a can. But I’m not gonna let you do that cause count raspberry is gonna turn you first muahaha.”

proceeds to blow raspberries into Keith’s neck.

“Ahahaha now you’re my bride.. my raspberry bride muahahaha! XD” blows more raspberries in Keith’s neck.

(Hangs upside down above Keith and covers his eyes) GUESS WHO! 😁

Keith: huh- NOT YOU AGAIN

*he backs away and pulls out the knife*

Keith: YOUR NOT WIFEING ME UP

[the-vampire-lance]

On the floor wheezing cause he’s laughing too hard.

Lance: 🤣 lmao oh Keith! lol…… cake or death? 😂🤣

Keith: …. Why are you on the floor?… Are you ok? 🤨

The galra and The blade of marmora’s whole thing about “victory or death” and “knowledge or death” makes them out to be Eddie Izzard’s Spanish inquisition version of the church of England. “CAKE OR DEATH?!”

You know they would totally do that! Lol XD

[the-vampire-lance]

“Lol nope! I caught you, now you’re mine!” Lance laughed as he started cuddling Keith.

“One of these days I got to make my special eclair cake for you and lance. And before you say anything, it’s not called special because of being filled with marijuana. It doesn’t have drugs in it! It’s called special cause it’s made specifically for people who can’t have dairy. It’s made with non dairy ingredients like whip cream and milk. It’s my sire’s recipe that she taught me how to make and I tweaked it for people with dairy restrictions.” He says as he nuzzles Keith’s hair.  

(Hangs upside down above Keith and covers his eyes) GUESS WHO! 😁

Keith: huh- NOT YOU AGAIN

*he backs away and pulls out the knife*

Keith: YOUR NOT WIFEING ME UP

[the-vampire-lance]

“Ok sure, whaaaaatevvvveeeer you say. Lol” 😏

Lance teleports in front of Keith and grins as Keith runs straight into his arm.

He wraps his arms around Keith and cheekily says.

“Hay there, going my way? 😉

(Hangs upside down above Keith and covers his eyes) GUESS WHO! 😁

Keith: huh- NOT YOU AGAIN

*he backs away and pulls out the knife*

Keith: YOUR NOT WIFEING ME UP

[the-vampire-lance]

“I only kidnapped you once. Where are you getting these other times? Hay, come back here!”

Chases after Keith.

He still has to keep him distracted for Lance.

How long is it gonna take for Lance to clean up his mess anyway?

“Hay! Don’t walk away from me. I’m talking to you. Ok fine I’ll drop the whole ass eating thing. You ate cardboard ass and you don’t want to talk about it. You don’t kiss and tell, I get it.”

(Hangs upside down above Keith and covers his eyes) GUESS WHO! 😁

Keith: huh- NOT YOU AGAIN

*he backs away and pulls out the knife*

Keith: YOUR NOT WIFEING ME UP

[the-vampire-lance]

Lmao rofl 🤣 lololololololol

Loling some more.

In all honesty, this is a riddle I made up based off another riddle I heard on YouTube and I just really wanted to know how you’d answer it. I bet it would be funny and I was right. 🤣

Thanks for humoring me 😁

You came up with one hilarious answer and I love it lol 😁

If you want to know the answer, it’s-

You let Lance and Keith ride the lion, one sitting on the others lap and watch that ship sail off into the sunset, While you and hunk grab burgers at the burger joint next door and thank god you didn’t drive here with a damn smart car.

Got a riddle/question for you.

It’s raining and you pass a bus stop.

There are three people there.

Hunk, Keith and lance.

Your lion only has one seat.

What do you do?

Uh, well, if my ‘lion’ only has one seat, then *I’m* in it. So…

Plus you said ‘you pass a bus stop’, so I’m not likely to turn around for them either.

If you mean one *available* seat, and that I actually have the curtesy to stop for them, then I ask where they’re headed. If all are leaving for somewhere with equal urgency, I take Hunk. Lance likes the rain and Keith likes Lance, so I’m sure they’d figure it out. And it’s a bus stop, so surely a bus will arrive soon anyways.

Or maybe I could hide those two in the trunk. They’re skinny enough, right?

Also, is Lance lowercase on purpose? Am I missing part of the riddle here? Or am I reading into it too much?

Aaaaand now I’m overthinking it. Does the bus stop have an awning? Am I headed somewhere or do I have time to spare? If I truly have a lion (of voltron), the stop has no awning, and I have time, they could all take shelter under the lion and I’d wait with them till their bus(es) come.

Is it a lion of voltron that I have? Or is it an actual lion and I’m, like, riding it somehow?

[the-vampire-lance]

Lance burst out laughing and wiped a tear from his eye.

“Omg really? You’d think I’d be smart enough to spike lolly pops with drugs???

I’m gonna be honest with you, I’ve never actually thought of that. But thanks for the idea. I might try to figure out how to do that in the future. My Keith will never see it coming.”

Then after Keith’s response to the ass question, he wore a smug grin.

“Oh yeah? Your response and your red face tell me you have. Whose ass was it? Was it Lance’s? …. Or maybe Gerard Way? 😏”

“I did bring your cardboard cut out of Gerard Way to life…. Did you eat cardboard ass? I bet you did. 😆”

(Hangs upside down above Keith and covers his eyes) GUESS WHO! 😁

Keith: huh- NOT YOU AGAIN

*he backs away and pulls out the knife*

Keith: YOUR NOT WIFEING ME UP